(Below this post is a post about how you should buy shirts)

Today’s myth comes courtesy of crafty norse monster
Lisa “Big Bad” Wolfsson
and it is about rape, murder, and technicalities

Okay so Baldur
he’s dead because of some bullshit Loki did
but instead of blaming it on loki
(as anyone who has read the NORSE CRISIS FLOWCHART rightly would)
they decide to blame it on Hodor
the dumb blind idiot who threw a spear into his brother’s chest
… okay I guess that’s fair, though.

Anyway
when you get blamed for shit in norse mythology
you don’t get off with just a slap on the wrist
you get off with a slap in the HEART
and by slap i mean KNIFE
but this raises a serious problem
which is that the norse are duty-bound
to execute this terrible revenge algorithm
wherein any dude who kills another dude
is fair game to be killed by the dead dude’s family
so anyone who kills Hodor to avenge Baldur
is gonna get cut up by Hodor’s family
and then the dude who cut up THAT dude is gonna get cut up
and on and on
til the break of ragnarok

But Odin is no fool
dude gave up his RIGHT EYE to not be a fool
which still seems to me like a pretty fucking foolish thing to do
but maybe that’s why he’s so wise now
like he took his eyeball out of his head
and then dropped it into a well
and was like “damn
that was seriously fucking silly
maybe I should stop making dumb decisions forever”
so what he does
is he digs up this dead chick
and he molests her skull
until she tells him
that what he needs to do
is get some russian princess pregnant
and then force her one-day-old baby to murder hodor
thus absolving everyone of responsibility
…
okay I think maybe the norse just have a different definition of dumb decisions

so Odin dresses up in some armor
and he goes over to russia to seduce this chick
(whose name is Rind)
and he gets mad respect from Rind’s dad by being a sick warrior
and then finally he’s like “hey rind’s dad
i would like to fondle your daughter’s tits”
and the king is like “yeah ok”
and Rind is like “HIGGITY HEL NO”
and smacks Odin right back to Asgard

This is where a wise person might have just abandoned the mission
but Odin is turned on by wanton violence
so instead he disguises himself as a jewelsmith
and goes back to Rind like “Hey girl
I will give you all this sweet jewelry
if you jump up and down on my wang”
but instead of that
Rind proceeds to jump up and down on Odin’s FACE
and not in the sexy way
because apparently not everyone is as much of a goldslut as Freyja

So finally Odin realizes
this chick must be a lesbian
and with that in mind
he disguises himself as a woman
and gets a job as Rind’s chambermaid
but he’s not taking any chances this time
so first he uses some magic runes to make her sick
and then he’s like “Hey king
I have a special potion that will cure your daughter
but it tastes so bad we’ll have to tie her down before i give it to her
and also you have to leave me alone in the room with her
for uh
science”
and the king is like “WHY YES THIS IS NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL”
and then Rind gets mysteriously pregnant!

Fast forward nine months
no sooner has Rind popped out this baby
then Odin is like YOINK
HERE BABY HAVE THIS KNIFE
and he duct tapes a knife to this baby
and throws it at Hodor
who is so bummed about killing Baldur
that he doesn’t even try to avoid the knifebaby
plus he’s blind, I think
and then he’s dead
and no one has the guts to kill a knifebaby
so Odin just totally gets away with this bullshit
and to make up for all the crafty rape
he steals Rind away from all her friends and family
and forces her to live in Asgard forever with her murder child

so the moral of the story
is that he who wants to be without sin
should cast the first knifebaby

THE END.