Author Archives: Ovid

The Two Angmagsalik Sisters Have Every Fetish

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Welcome back to lovely Icefuck Island
[Greenland]
where the state bird is abject misery
and the official sport is cannibalism
from this floating sea-lozenge or arctic pain comes a lovely little tale
about doing sex with animals
here we go:

so there’s these two sisters
they are outside
which was their first mistake
their second mistake is that one of them is like hey
look at that eagle up there
and that whale skull down there
hey sis
I’m totes gonna marry that eagle
but YOU are gonna marry that whale skull
FATTY
and apparently FATTY is the magic word
because the whale skull turns into a whale and abducts the sister
and then the eagle comes flying down and picks up the other sister
like crazy north-pole zeus.
i think we can all agree
that this is total bullshit
i mean people say dumb shit all the time
if i got abducted by everything I said I was gonna marry
I would be married to a racecar, a case of gin, and a bag of pork cracklins AT LEAST
then again I would also be married to Kevin Spacey and whoever invented blowjobs
so maybe the problem isn’t that you can marry anything just by expressing the desire
maybe the problem
is that a whale skull and an eagle are two DEEPLY STUPID THINGS to want to marry
ok i need to stop talking about how fucked up this is
so I can get to talking about how fucked up THIS is:

the whale will not let his wife leave the house
not so bad, right?
that’s because you have forgotten that Greenland doesn’t have indoor plumbing at this time
so where does wife go to pee, you might wonder
does she just go in the corner?
nuh uh
the whale keeps her from having any excuse to go outside
by making her piss IN HIS MOUTH
GUYS:
WHAT??
IS THIS WHAT PEOPLE DID BEFORE THERE WAS INTERNET PORN?
LIKE
IF YOU WERE AN ANGMAGSALIK TEEN BACK IN THE DAY
DID YOU HAVE TO STASH STORYTELLERS UNDER YOUR MATTRESS
SO YOU COULD PULL THEM OUT WHEN MOM AND DAD WERE AWAY
AND HAVE THEM TELL YOU THE ONE WHERE THE HOT CHICK PISSES IN A WHALE’S MOUTH
WHILE YOU FURIOUSLY COCKED YOUR PLEASURE-RIFLE?
oh I know what you’re wondering
“Ovid, ovid
what about poops?
does she poop in his mouth too?”
no of course not you cretin
that would be unsanitary
she shits in his HANDS
come on guys

meanwhile the sister with the eagle has it pretty good
every day the eagle goes to the river and catches THREE NARWHALS
what kind of jumbo-jet eagle is this
that can carry a narwhal in each talon and one in its beak?
well i guess whatever kind of eagle can understand human speech
and likes to abduct young girls
…okay I am becoming more and more convinced that this is just zeus’s crazy northern vacation

anyway when the eagle is on his way home every day
he drops one narwhal at the girl’s parents’ house
which is good cause food is scarce up there
and then he brings the other two to his wife
so basically the joke is on her
she called her sister a fatty
and now it is her who is stuffing her face with actual blubber every night
obviously she won’t stand for this
so she makes a rope out of whale meat
and bungee jumps out of the nest one day when her husband is gone
and runs home
and later the eagle shows up at her house like WHAT THE FUCK
and her dad shoots him in the heart

RAD

but the other sister is still married to a perverted undead whale
so what the family does is they build a whaling boat
and they keep racing it against birds until it’s faster than birds
and then they go to the whale’s house
does anyone else think it’s weird that the whale has a house?
whales don’t live in houses, guys
that’s not something that whales
oh wait
just remembered what story this is
carry on

so the wife sees her family outside
and she’s like hey husband
let me go outside so I can piss
and the whale is like WOMAN
YOU CAN PISS IN MY MOUTH
and she’s like ok I need to make poop
and he’s like WOMAN
YOU CAN SHIT IN MY HANDS
and she’s like dude look
I have been shitting in your hands for like three months now
and you’re not leaving the house either
i can’t even see your hands under this mound of my shit
just tie a rope around me and you can pull me back in if I’m gone too long
and the whale is like OK FINE

so she goes outside with this rope
and he IMMEDIATELY starts yanking it
and she’s like DUDE
IT’S BARELY POKING OUT, JUST GIMME A SECOND
and then she starts tying the rope to a rock
but the whale starts pulling again
and she’s like MAN
FIVE MORE MINUTES
A BUTT-BABY LIKE THIS CAN’T BE RUSHED
and then she finishes tying it to a rock and jumps in the boat

so eventually the whale figures out what’s up
and he gets all pissed and climbs in the water
where whales are SUPPOSED to be
and he swims FAST
he swims SO FAST
that pretty soon he is about to eat the boat
and the girl’s family is like QUICK
GIVE HIM A STRIPTEASE
so she takes off her boots and throws them in the water

now friends
I have at times been accused of stigmatizing mental illness on this website
this is a fair claim
I want to take this opportunity to let you all know
that I have had a great deal of experience with mental illness
seeing as it runs in my family
real mental illness is not a thing I take lightly
with that in mind
here is the line that comes right after the girl throws her shoe in the water:
“The whale sniffed at it and examined it, and was thus retarded a little.”
Thank you.

but the whale is only a little retarded, so pretty soon he catches up
which means this girl has to take off more
(ie SEXIER)
articles of clothing
she takes off her
WOOLEN MITTENS
and her
ANORAK COAT
and her
FUR SCARF
and her
SOCKS
and her
NATIT
wait wait whoa what
what is a “natit”?

well thanks to the internet, I can tell you:
“natit, an article of dress that covers the sexual organs
and is applied by the young East-Greenlanders when they,
he or she , think themselves and are thought by their cognates
to be full-grown. Søren Hansen found for 31 men and 15 women
the average size to be 1647 and 1551 (max.: 1760 and 1650,
min.: 1540 and 1450), thus 23 and 60™°^ more. ”
in other words
it’s PANTIES
after the bestiality and the necrophilia
and the pissing in the mouth and the shitting in the hands
she throws her fucking panties at him
and he of course develops an overpowering nosebleed
crashes into the shore
and dies
bam
problem solved

so the moral of the story
is maybe you can’t fight fire with fire
but you can sure as shit fight fetish with fetish

the end

Joseph Smith is like John Smith but with a slightly less generic name

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Hey guys I’m back
I just saw a really popular musical
see if you can guess which one

Okay so it’s 600 BC
there’s some jews hanging out in jerusalem
cause where else are they gonna hang out, right?
oh wait
how about AMERICA?
yeah see cause this prophet Lehi has a vision
where god is like DUDES
I MADE THIS GREAT PLACE CALLED AMERICA
IT’S JUST SITTING OVER THERE BETWEEN THE PACIFIC AND THE ATLANTIC
SERIOUSLY GUYS WHY ARE YOU NOT THERE YET
IT IS BUMMING ME OUT
I MEAN I MADE IT A LONG-ASS TIME AGO
AND IT’S JUST LANGUISHING OUT THERE
WOEFULLY UN-JEWED

so Lehi gets onto a boat with some bros and heads for america
because everyone has always known
that america is the place to be

but when they get to america, they notice a problem
it is the same problem that european colonists will notice
when they show up about 2 thousand years later
it is this:
America has abundant food and water
the deers and the antelopes are cavorting like hell
amber waves of grain all up ins
they’ve even got purple mountains
and where the fuck do you even find those, outside an acid trip?
AMERICA, THAT’S WHERE
but there is one thing that America seems to lack:
BRUTAL WARS
so the colonists are like shit
we better get on this

so they waste no time
they split up into two rival factions
the Nephites and the Lamanites
I think the Nephites are the good guys but I am too lazy to check
it seems to me like they’re all pretty sucky though
cause how are you gonna try and fight a war
after you already traveled like a million thousand miles together
that’s like if I wanted to punch you in the face
and i was like hey man
let’s fly to Singapore
and then when we got off the plane in singapore
I punched you in the fucking face
…okay you know what that would actually be hilarious

anyway they fight and fight
dudes die, it’s awesome
but this whole time the Nephites have been writing this shit down
in a book with golden pages
i dunno how they found the time to get all that gold
seems like they’re pretty busy fighting
but anyway they’re writing and fighting
fighting and writing
in a language that no one else in the history of anything has ever heard of
called “reformed Egyptian”
which
from what I can tell
is made up mostly of sideways boobs, exclamation points, and different versions of the letter T

but then all of a sudden
JESUS APPEARS
cause he just got killed
and he is taking a vacation in america
when he sees all these dudes fighting and he is like WHOAH
WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH
NO FIGHTING
and then he has to explain everything to them that he already explained to the other jews
just to get them up to date
and I guess maybe he makes up some other stuff about how you should have a ton of wives
and some other stuff he forgot to say the first time

but all good things must come to an end
Jesus goes to heaven
and everybody else dies
but not before making sure to bury their golden book under a hill in upstate new york
you know, for posterity

CUT TO 1832
some dude named Joe Smith is hanging out in his house in upstate new york
when all of a sudden God is like JOE
JOE!!!
THERE’S SOME GOLD PLATES IN THAT HILL OVER THERE
I HAVE CHOSEN YOU TO GO DIG THEM UP SUDDENLY
GOOOOOOOO JOOOOOOOOOOOOE

so joe goes over to the hill and this angel appears like WHAT UP
I AM THE ANGEL MORONI
(Moroni is one of the guys who wrote the book with the gold plates
and also the last name of an italian mob boss played by Carl Weintraub on days of our lives
The Face of An Angel
COINCIDENCE?)
so Joe is pretty impressed
but then the Angel is like LISTEN UP KID
I GOT THESE PLATES FOR YOUSE
BUT YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ JACK SHIT TIL YOU SPEND FOUR YEARS COMING BACK HERE AND TAKING CLASSES WITH ME
CAPICE?
and that is exactly what happens

so Joseph finally digs up these golden plates
but like I said they’re in “Reformed Egyptian”
so it’s not like he can read it, right?
WRONG
clearly you have not heard of SEER STONES, my friends

here is how seer stones work:
step 1: take a rock
step 2: put the rock in a hat
step 3: put your face in the hat
step 4: TRANSLATION COMPLETE

I am not exaggerating
for several months Joseph Smith sits in his room
with his face inside a white stovepipe hat
shouting words at his scribe/investor Michael Harris
yes of course Joseph Smith needs investors
not like he could just sell pages from that golden book he found
that would be SACRILEGE

so this goes on for a couple months
with only one false start
which only happens because Michael Harris’s wife
(A confirmed FEMALE)
becomes suspicious of the fact that no one except Joe has seen the gold book
which he apparently doesn’t need to have in the house with him in order to translate
and which is written in a fake language
and is made out of gold and claims that ancient jews built boats and sailed to America
and so she has the audacity to ask to see the translation
and finally does
and then STEALS it
which makes Joe SO MAD
that he decides not to re-translate the part that she stole
and instead write a whole other part in 2 months
and then he has to get his buddy Harris to take out some more loans to get the book printed
but that doesn’t go so well
and Harris loses his house and his wife
which is okay because his wife pretty much sucked anyway

ANYWAY
people are somewhat reluctant to believe in a book
that was written by staring into a hat full of rocks for two months
but a lot of people are willing to make an exception
because it’s the true word of god/they are really bored
at which point the angel Moroni shows up in front of Joe again and is like YO KIDDO
I SEE YOU GOT A NICE THING GOING IN NEW YORK AND ALL
BUT THE TROUBLE WITH NEW YORK IS
IT IS NOT NEARLY ENOUGH LIKE ANCIENT JERUSALEM
BY WHICH I MEAN
DRY AS A BULLFROG’S COOTER AND WAYYY UNPOPULATED
ALLOW ME TO DIRECT YOU TO SALT LAKE CITY
except he’s way more cagey than that
and actually joseph dies on the way
and his buddy Bringham Young
who has a name like an evangelical pedophile
has to take over and lead them through the desert until everyone gets sick of wandering around
and is just like fuck it
this is where we live now
let’s wear white button down shirts and part our hair on the side
AND THAT’S WHERE MORMONS COME FROM

so the moral of the story is
give a man a fish
and he’ll eat for a day
give a man a hat full of rocks
and he’ll move to a place where there are no fish

THE END

Everybody Poops/Dies

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Here’s a myth I stole from one of my students
who stole it from Grimm’s, so it’s all good:

okay so there is a giant
he is stomping through the hills doing giant shit
which basically amounts to being naked
swinging a club
and taking giant shits
but suddenly his blissful morning routine is interrupted
by this impudent jerk standing in his path
the jerk is like YO STOP
and the giant is like FUCK YOU I’M A GIANT
I KILL PEOPLE
and the jerk is like OH YEAH WELL I’M DEATH
I UH
KILL PEOPLE
and the giant is like DUDE I’M NOT EVEN REAL
I CAN’T DIE
KA-PUNT
(he doesn’t make that noise with his mouth
he makes it with his club
well actually it is a collaborative effort
between the giant’s club and death’s face)
then the giant walks away to go be naked somewhere else
thus ending the only recorded mythical instance
of a giant ACTUALLY WINNING ANYTHING

so death just got chumped
and he is feeling pretty down
dude is made out of all bones, you see
he is not super durable
so he’s basically a pile of really deadly powder right now
wondering what’s gonna happen to the world when nobody can die
perhaps overpopulation will strangle humanity once and for all
or perhaps earth will turn into a rad valhalla where everyone parties forever
but we don’t get to find out
because this is when some jackass walks by and sees death all messed up
and is like here dude let me help you with those multiple fractures

so death gets up and is like dude
thank you so much for shitting all over the greatest boon humanity has ever received
how can I ever re-pay you
and the dude is like uhh
how about immortality?
and death is like naw bro that ship has sailed
tell you what
you’ll still die
but I’ll let you know I’m coming before I kill you
so you won’t be taken by surprise
and the dude is like okay I can deal

so this near-death experience obviously has an effect on this dude’s life
whereas most people go through a phase of life called a “mid-life crisis”
this man goes through a similar but importantly different phase
called “never-gonna-die sex party”
he drinks all the booze
gets all the laid
this dude becomes so committed to partying
that if the beastie boys were to force him to fight for his right to do so
the result would be WORLD WAR THREE

but then he gets sick
at first he’s pretty sure it’s just the mother of all hangovers
come to reprimand her most precocious of children
but it goes on for a WHILE
every part of his body seems determined to let him know what a terrible asshole he is
except for his asshole
which is determined to let him know what a terrible asshole IT is
so he’s curled up around the toilet, hating his life
but he takes solace in the fact
that he knows he’s not gonna die
cause death said he’d get a warning first

so eventually the tornado in his bowels clears up
and he goes right back to boozing and whoring
except the very next day someone taps him on the shoulder
and HOLY SHIT IT’S DEATH
death is like alright dude it’s time to die
and the man is like wait wait wait hold on
I did not get any type of warning
I have a date with siamese twins at 6:00 man
you can’t block my cock like that
and death is like dude
I’ve blocked mightier cocks than yours
plus I totally did warn you
what do you call two months of intense gastrointestinal distress, huh?
and the man is like oh COME ON
and death is like no YOU come on
we are going to hell together and I will not hear another word about it

so the moral of the story
is that if you see death lying on the ground
do not help that dude up
cause he gives bullshit prizes

THE END

Lady Isabels and the Elf Knights

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Today’s myth was brought to my attention
By burlesque rapper MC Double-Ds
she actually wanted me to tell you this story
but apparently Wiki Translate is staffed by the same people who made this
so I am going to do the next best thing
and tell you about some chick named isabel and her penchant for bad dudes

so this Isabel broad right
she’s sitting up in a tower
because that is one of the two accepted pastimes for women in the middle ages
(the other one of course being getting beheaded)
and meanwhile there’s this elf knight sitting outside soloing on his horn
and Isabel is like dayum
that dude can sure swoggle that horn
i wonder what else he can swoggle
i wish he were up here in my room
so I could find out right now with my vagina

and it looks like someone forgot to tell this chick she was in a legend
cause she is totally shocked to find that her wish has just come true
here is this strapping elf dude all up in her room
like damn girl
can’t a dude lay down some beats around here without some chick wishing he was up in her room
seriously
these are hide times for an up-and-coming musician like myself
oh well
as long as I’m here we might as well elope
you down?
And Isabel is like well I dunno
i don’t feel like I’ve been really sufficiently wooed yet
and the elf is like BITCH I’MA WOO YOU

and true to form, he woos her HARD
according to one text, in addition to wooing her “in the ha”
he also “wood her butt”
which is just
great
i mean
I can’t improve on that
so obviously this elf knight is quite the zesty lover
and Isabel finds herself sufficiently wood
or wooed or whatever
and she steals a bunch of her dad’s money and runs away with this guy

so okay
so far this sounds like some pretty solid fanfic
hot elfin buttsex in a tower
followed by a romantic getaway on horses
you can practically hear the bodices gettin’ ripped
but hold on
what’s going on
it looks like they’re stopping at a lake
and the elf knight is asking isabel to get naked
okay, okay, good start
he’s asking her to get naked
SO HE CAN DROWN HER IN THE LAKE?
BECAUSE HE HAS ALREADY DONE THIS TO SEVEN OTHER WOMEN??
HOLY SHIT WHY DID THIS STORY GO FROM BLUEBALLS TO BLUEBEARD ALL OF A SUDDEN?

yeah
apparently this jackass is in the habit of making chicks take off their nice clothes
before he drowns them
because the clothes are too nice to be ruined by all that water
what does he do with the clothes, you ask?
does he sell them?
does he wear them?
probably both
he seems like a pretty strange dude

anyway there’s a big hole in this plan
and i’m not talking about any of the holes he already wooed
the hole is this:
you abduct a super hot chick
then you take her to a lake and make her get naked
and then you are expecting HER to do what YOU say?
no no no
see Isabel is smart
she is like Hey elf guy
now that I’m all naked and stuff
it would be a shame not to make use of all these ladybits i’ve got hanging out
DON’T YOU AGREE?
And oh boy does he agree
he agrees so hard he tires himself out pretty good
and then he settles down for a nap
and then she drowns him
because duh

but that is not the end
because see there’s like fifteen million versions of this story
with one important difference between them
remember how I said Ol’ Elfdick had drowned seven dames before this one?
well in some versions he’s only drowned six
and in some he’s drowned eight
you know what I think?
I think we’ve got a dread pirate roberts situation on our hands
where the lady who kills the old elf knight
tapes down her boobs and straps on a wood dong
and starts the whole cycle over again
this would explain why in some versions of the story
the lady is able to distract the knight by telling him he shouldn’t be seeing her naked
and then she drowns him when he’s looking the other way
and then she goes home to her family and bribes her parrot to keep quiet about the whole thing
and then tells her parents anyway
and they go bury the knight in the sand so that no one will ever know
actually wait
that doesn’t explain that at all
nothing explains that

so I guess the moral of the story
is that you can lead a ho to water
but you can’t make her sink

THE END.

Alexander The Great is a Torrent of Testosterone

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Hello jerks
did you know that today
is somebody’s BIRTHDAY?
well yes you could probably have guessed that
babies are just popping off ALL THE TIME around here
but what is different about the particular baby I am referring to
is that this one has a fabulously wealthy husband
who has paid me top dollar to serenade his (not actually a baby) wife
with a bawdy yarn about history’s agreed-upon king of everything
that’s right
I’m talking about the man himself
the Ragin’ Eurasian Invasion
ALEXANDER “The Great” THEGREAT
(also this birthday girl’s day job
is to spend her days looking at crude illustration of monkey anuses for Britain
so i think my pity/awe would have motivated me to do this anyway
whether or not I was paid
haha dude i already have your money)

So Alexander the Great
holy
fucking
shit
This guy’s ass is so bad
chairs refuse to let him sit on them
for fear they might burst into flames
his ass is so bad
the only kind of pants he can wear
are those baby pants with the trapdoor for your poop
and the trapdoor always has to be open
his ass is so bad
he is constantly asking people if they want to swap asses
because honestly all of that stuff i mentioned is supremely inconvenient
luckily he is king of basically anything
which means he can have whatever ass he wants
(more on this later)

we’ll begin our tale with the day Alexander wakes up and is like hey
I just took over greece and most of europe or whatever
but you know what would really hit the spot right now?
A LAND WAR IN ASIA
GO GO GO GO
so he sprints into Asia
literally chucking spears at ground just to have stuff to chuck spears at
and basically the first thing that happens
is he gets ambushed by this Persian king named Darius
(let me explain this whole thing with Darius
in case you are not too hot on your ancient history
you remember 300?
well those spartan dudes were great and all
but they eventually lost because come on
and Persia eventually steamrolled Greece
despite everyone’s best efforts
and then Darius
but then Alexander!
but then still Darius
kind of)

anyway Darius tries to kill Alexander
by doing stupid things like attacking with swords and outnumbering him eight to one
and Alex just swats the persian army aside with his enormous dong
bangs Darius’s wife
then bangs Darius’s MOM
(okay that last one is conjecture
but he does take her captive
and then when she has a chance to go back to the persians
she’s just like nah
so my informed historical hypothesis
is that dick was gettin laid DOWN
maybe hot incestuous THREE-WAY dick
which we all know is the best kind)

but pretty soon alexander runs into trouble
the trouble is that he wants to take over this island called Tyre
and none of his dudes are mermaids or boats or zepplins
so he’s sort of stuck
or at least that’s what the citizens of Tyre think
what ALEXANDER thinks, on the other hand
is something like “MURDER MURDER MURDER BALLS BALLS KILL”

so after a less-than-satisfying negotiation with the people of Tyre
Alexander stomps back to his army
grabs a handful of dirt
drops it in the bay
and is like START BUILDING, ASSHOLES
so they do
they drop sand into that bay for SEVEN MONTHS
building a land bridge that ACTUALLY STILL EXISTS
and the whole time the Tyrians are throwing boiling sand at them
and making mean faces and talking shit
and finally Alexander is like fuck it
let’s just build some boats
prolly should’ve done this to begin with
and then he and his 40,000 men take over Tyre and kill ABSOLUTELY EVERYBODY
because like
that’s seven months none of those dudes are ever gonna get back
not like they could’ve just walked on by and conquered something else
no, see that would have made SENSE
real men do not make sense
they make THREATS
and then they DELIVER ON THOSE THREATS

then he takes over the cliff fortress of Oxyartes
with an elite force of 300 pissed off mountain climbers
and defeats King Porus’s army by fake attacking him every night for a SOLID MONTH
like a massive high-stakes game of i’m-not-touching you
before finally running over and murdering everyone when they get too bored
and I guess on top of being a military badass
alexander is also a pretty nice dude
because he becomes best bros with pretty much all the kings he conquers
except the king of Tyre because that dude is SUPER DEAD

but let’s get back to what really matters:
asses
specifically three hundred of the choicest asses in the known world
these asses belong to a cadre of babealicious amazons
(when will spell check finally recognize babealicious as a valid word)
and this cadre is lead by that most licious of babes
THALESTRIS
THE (totally fictional) QUEEN OF THE AMAZONS
what is this foxy battalion of confirmed lesbians doing in Alexander’s war camp?
obviously not fighting
that is not what women are for in these types of tales
these ladies are here
for SEXING
because see, not many people know this
but Alexander the Great and his contemporaries
lived in a time before test-tube babies
if you wanted fire screaming meat-pucks out your honeypot
it didn’t matter how much of a stone-cold lesbian you were
you had to do sex with a dude
and if you’re gonna break your vag streak for any dude
it might as well be the acknowledged king of everything, right?

so alexander and Thalestris bone
for THIRTEEN DAYS
they say she was not super impressed by his physique
but she was at least THIRTEEN DAYS worth of impressed
so I’d say that’s a win for everybody
and finally
after what must have been a fantastically exhausting two weeks
Thalestris finally announces that she’s preggo
which is good
because if you can’t get preggo after banging Alexander the great for thirteen days
you are probably a witch
(or a dude
but I think Alexander would have maybe noticed that)

Anyway
Alexander continues to romp and stomp for many years
before finally getting bored/shot with arrows/riddled with malaria
and heading home
where he proceeds to die from partying way too hard
all of which just goes to show
that if you live a life based solely on booze, boning, and wanton murder
you may live an incredibly sweet life
but when it finally comes time for you to die
it is still going to be incredibly sweet

happy birthday, miss biggs
and may your husband make sweet love to you for at LEAST thirteen straight days

THE END

The Grimm’s Brothers Present: THE INJUSTICE LEAGUE

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So this guy gets kicked out of the army
he gets kicked out of the army because he has no talents
and they are not about to give him any talents
those shits are expensive
so instead they give him three pennies
and he’s like WHOAH
THREE PENNIES?!
THIS DOES NOT SQUARE AT ALL WITH MY RIDICULOUS SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT
FUCK THIS, I’M TAKING OVER THE GOVERNMENT

so he goes walking around try’na get an army together
for this incredibly self-serving mission of his
and pretty soon he sees a dude in the forest
who is just straight PLUCKING TREES FROM THE EARTH
and our hero goes up to this German Hercules like hey man
come join my army
we’re gonna steal the government, it’s gonna be great
and Hercules is like ok dude sure
lemme just bring these trees to my mom first
WHAT THE FUCK
WHY DOES YOUR MOM NEED SIX ENTIRE TREES DUDE
IS YOUR MOM JUST LIKE
A WOODCHIPPER?
WOULD MAKE SENSE
CONSIDERING YOUR TOTALLY INHUMAN TALENTS
anyway he does that and they leave

pretty soon they see a dude squatting in the forest pointing a gun at nothing
normally these dudes are what are known as schizophrenics
but today is crazy bullshit day in germany
so instead this guy is a hunter SO SKILLED
that he is taking aim at a fly on a branch two miles away
to shoot out it’s fucking EYE
so our hero goes up to German Apollo like hey dude wanna help steal the government?
and Apollo is like SURE

then they meet a guy who can power windmills with his nose
and a guy whose legs have to be removed because otherwise he runs too fast
and a guy who has to keep his cap cocked at a jaunty angle or else the world turns to ice
and none of these guys really have anything going on i guess
so they decide to help this talentless asshole steal the government

so okay, you know how I keep saying this story is in germany
well i think maybe I was too quick to assume
cause when these dudes finally get to the king’s castle
he is holding a contest
where whoever beats his daughter in a footrace gets to marry her
and if they lose they get executed
SOUND FAMILIAR?
yeah
i think at some point the protagonist of this story
must have stumbled upon a time portal into ancient greece
maybe right around the time he met FUCKING HERCULES

so anyway these guys have an unfair advantage in this race scenario
seeing as they have what amounts to sonic the hedgehog meets bionic man on their team
so the leader of the group goes to the king like hey
i want to marry your daughter
but i’m gonna have my servant run the race with you instead
WHOAH WHOAH SLOW DOWN
are you telling me this army reject
has put himself in CHARGE of this group?
like he gets all the bitches and riches
while they do all the work?
man i don’t understand how this guy got kicked out of the military
seems like good officer material to me

anyway the king agrees
and the race begins
but it turns out that in addition to being inhumanly fast
this runner guy is also inhumanly lazy
so he gets halfway through the race
and then just lies down on a cow skull and goes to sleep
and the chick passes him
but then the hunter is on the roof of the castle, and he sees that shit
so he just takes out his gun and shoots the cow skull out from under the runner’s head
and the runner wakes up and stomps large quantities of ass
or I guess just one ass
the ass of the princess
there is no evidence one way or the other about the size of the princess’s ass
although i would appreciate more of that sort of evidence in my mythology

so the race is one and the deal is done
but the king is not happy about his daughter marrying some army reject
(neither is the princess for that matter
but who cares about her, right?)
so what he does is he invites all six of these crazy dudes to a feast
inside a locked iron room
with a fire underneath it
WHAT
WHY DOES HE HAVE ONE OF THESE
WHO THINKS ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS WHEN THEY’RE BUILDING A CASTLE?
anyway the room starts getting pretty hot
but that’s when Mr. Freeze decides to spin his cap around
and everything gets nice and icy
and they all bust out of the room like THANKS FOR THE FREE FOOD DUDE

so the king is rapidly running out of schemes
and his final scheme
is just to try and buy these guys off
so he agrees to pay them as much gold as one of them can carry
in exchange for leaving him and his daughter alone
I think you know where this is going
the leader of the pack hires every tailor in the kingdom
to make him an ENORMOUS SACK
and then he gives the sack to hercules
who proceeds to walk off with the entire gold content of the kingdom
the king is none too pleased with this so he sends his army after them
at which point windmill guy blows (on) everybody in the army until they give up and go home
and everyone in the kingdom dies of starvation
and these six bastards party until they die too

so the moral of the story
is that you should never let your lack of talent
get in the way of your shameless acquisition of other people’s stuff

the end.

Another Way We Might All Die

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8

Decided to take a break from the Silmarillion
cause I’m a little bored of it honestly and I have a feeling you are too
I’ll come back to it eventually
MEANWHILE
recently a friend of mine introduced me to a troubling myth
made more troubling by the fact that even today
there are quite a few people who believe it’s true
in some parts of the country, it is even taught in schools
yes friends
I am of course referring
to “Global Warming”

So in the beginning Prometheus brought fire to man
and it was good
(except for prometheus)
but then man made an important discovery
the discovery was this:
you don’t have to just burn little pieces of wood
you can burn like
ANYTHING
don’t matter if it’s old tires or plastic or witches
you make a big enough fire and you can ruin ANY OBJECT with it
so obviously people get busy ruining as many things as they can
they burn down forests
so they will have more space to put fires
they burn all these dried out leaves and inhale them
so that they can see cooler shit while they stare at their fires
they even build big huge houses in the middle of their cities
so they can set coal on fire all day long
this is called the industrial revolution
and the industrial revolution is where shit finally starts to get out of hand
because what people realize in the industrial revolution
is that the more and bigger fires they can produce
the more small green pieces of paper they will be able to collect from other people
shockingly, they do not want these green pieces of paper so that they can set them on fire
these pieces of paper are called “money”
and they are one of the few things that people are strangely unwilling to set on fire
instead they do what is called “spending”
which is similar to burning, but marginally less likely to cause explosions
anyway we’re getting off topic

so all these fires have an unintended effect
this unintended effect is called “smoke”
and you would think that people would have given this more thought
seeing as they themselves had been inhaling smoke
in order to become more unproductive/dangerous
FOR CENTURIES AT THIS POINT
and that is basically what happens to the entire planet
when all this smoke starts flying everywhere
like, the earth pretty much just gets high as balls
and when you get high as balls (as I assume you do if you frequent this website)
you get the munchies
and what does the world eat, besides hopes and dreams?
HEAT

so earth is flying through space, just munching on all the heat it can get
and meanwhile people are down on earth inventing new kinds of smoke to put in the air
they make these things called chlorofluorocarbons
which are great for spray-on deoderant and refrigerators and the apocalypse
and also nitrous oxide
which is actually also another thing you can inhale if you want to see some shit
and they even start building huge fences around ridiculously large plots of land
(which they have because they set fire to all the things that used to be there)
and they fill this land with lots and lots of big meaty fart machines called “cows”
and this whole time earth is just up there like nooo man i’m too highhhhhhhhh cut it out i’ve got the spins

here is what happens when earth gets the spins
first we get hurricaines
just all over the place all the time
and lightning and tornadoes and maybe even some more fires if we’re lucky
and then earth’s cool hat (also known as antarctica) is gonna melt right off
which is way overdue, I think
because what good is all that ice up there if I can’t put it in my vodka collins
except actually I guess all that ice was up there for a really good reason
it was up there because that is where god put the biblical flood after he was done using it
so New York is gonna drown
and everyone is going to have to find somewhere else to be busy and poor

oh and you know food?
no more of that
all the people who make the food are gonna get too sweaty and quit
or maybe die of starvation because it’s too hot to actually grow food
and that’s bad because we need food for stuff
soon after that, satan will appear riding a lava cyclone
but no one will care because we will all be busy
being dead and getting eaten by cockroaches

so the moral of the story
is that there is no end to the ridiculous shit that people will believe
unless it happens to be true
in which case good luck convincing anybody

THE END

The Cat

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5

S’been a while
so i figured I’d dig out my copy of Grimm’s
and defeat any remaining hope/optimism you have left in your spirit
after this long and brutal winter

speaking of long and brutal winter
this myth takes place right before one
in Germany
which i think has pretty brutal winters
I was debating this with one of my friends yesterday
and we eventually decided
that neither of us know very much about germany
anyway the season is important
because this is the season a mouse and a cat decide to become roommates
right, yes
a mouse
and a CAT

now I will grant that there have been more unlikely fairytale living arrangements
but generally when i am apartment hunting
i like to make my decision based on three main requirements
1. Cheap rent
2. Easy access to public transit and grocery shopping
3. Relatively free of my natural predators
mouse has failed point three by a long shot
no kind of public transit is easy-access in old-times Germany
and i don’t care how cheap your rent is dude
you are LIVING WITH A THING THAT PEOPLE BUY SPECIFICALLY TO KILL YOU
but at least there’s a grocery store nearby
here’s how I know:

the first thing these two idiots decide when they move in together
is that they should get an emergency food stash
so that during the long brutal winter
the cat doesn’t uh
forget who her friends are
and the wintertime snack of choice in Germany
is a GIGANTIC TUB OF FAT
yep just fat
this explains things to me about german cuisine
so they buy this fat
but they don’t have a refrigerator
so they store it in the next best thing
a church
based on the foolproof logic that no one will ever steal anything from a church
so uh

ANYWAY
about two days pass and the cat gets hungry
and instead of eating her roomate
she does the considerate thing
and decides to sneak back to the church and chew the fat
with the priest
so she can sneak past him and chew the actual fat she has hidden in the church
[lol]
in order to do this she has to tell the mouse a brilliant lie
so she is like Mouse, hey
i gotta go to the church cuz uh
one of my sisters is having a baby and it’s getting baptized
i’m sposed to be the godmother or something
mouse sees nothing wrong with this
because he is a mouse and is lucky to even know how to talk

so the cat goes and eats the fat
and then comes home
and the mouse is like how was the baptism
and the cat is like good good
and the mouse is like what did they name the kid?
and the cat is like uh
Top-Off
yeah
Top-Off
and the mouse is like uh that’s a weird name
and the cat is like yeah well
they thought it would be really funny if she ever goes to mardi gras
or becomes a stripper
you know
stuff catholics do
and mouse is like oh ok that makes sense

so pretty soon the cat gets hungry again
and instead of BUYING GROCERIES
with the money I have NO IDEA HOW THEY GOT IN THE FIRST PLACE
she decides to steal more fat
so she’s like uh hey mouse
my slutty sister just squirted out another baby
i gotta go watch it be named
and the mouse is like yeah yeah ok
and then when the cat comes back all fat
he’s like what was THIS one named?
and she’s like uh
Half-Gone
and mouse is like what
that is not on the list of saint’s names I am pretty sure
and cat is like no no no you’re wrong
have you never heard of Saint Half-Gone, patron saint of dumb?
really mouse, I would think you’d be more familiar

so of course the cat gets hungry again
lies about another baptism
and goes to the church to finish off the fat
then she comes home and Mouse wants to know the kid’s name
and you would think she’d have put more thought into it this time
but nope
she’s just like “All Gone”
and Mouse is like that is DEFINITELY NOT A NAME
and Cat is like aren’t you forgetting about SIR THOMAS ALLGONE
INVENTOR OF THE LIGHTBULB?
and Mouse is like that’s Edison
Thomas Edison
and he hasn’t even been born yet
and Cat is like You mean he HADN’T been born yet
that’s why I had to go baptize him, DUH
and Mouse is like okay fine

so all that has happened
and it isn’t even winter yet
wait wait wait
….
okay, now it’s winter
and predictably
since neither of these animals goes to the grocery store
they run out of food pretty quick
and mouse is like okay well it’s a good thing we bought that fat
let’s go chew on it so that you don’t chew on me
and the cat is like uh
sure!
great idea!
so they go to the church
and they find the empty fat-bowl
and the mouse
(and get ready guys
this is that great part in all the grimm’s fairytales
where the evil malefactor is gruesomely punished
and the put-upon protagonist is rewarded with gold bars and blowjobs)
gets eaten by the cat.
Um.

So the original teller of this tale
at least as the brothers Grimm have recorded it
tells us that the moral of this story
is that this is just the way of the world
but I think the moral of the story is a little subtler than that
I think the moral of the story is
don’t be roommates with a storyteller
because they think this is how the world works

the end.

Men: Objectively Worse Elves

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7

Okay so the Valar make the sun
and Melkor
oh shit I mean Morgoth
(sorry
I think I’m starting to reach critical mass with all these names
pretty soon my head is just going to explode
splattering double-Ls and apostrophes all over everything)
anyway M-guy is all bummed cause it’s not so shady anymore
so obviously the Valar press their advantage, right?
WRONG
they park their holy asses in Valinor and do exactly nothing
and meanwhile Humans are busy existing

it never really explains where any of the living races come from
with the exception of the dwarves
the dwarves are sleeping in a mountain though so who gives a fuck
as near as I can guess
humans were just hidden in a valley somewhere snoozing their asses off
and the first sunrise was their cue to end their infinite naptimes

the humans get a much less awesome reception than the elves did
the elves got to hang out with Valar
and go chill in valinor
and learn cool stuff and drink milk and honey and look at cool trees
actually when you really think about it
how long would you be happy just drinking milk and honey
i mean don’t get me wrong that stuff is good
but i think there’s a reason you can’t chug a gallon of milk without vomiting
plus one time I was trying to buy acid in golden gate park
and my conversation starter was to ask shady looking people
if they would rather eat nothing but milk and honey forever
or bread and water forever
and EVERYBODY said bread and water
granted they were all pretty high
but that seems like even more reason
look, whatever

the point is when the humans wake up they are on their own
there is no welcoming committee
no banners or fireworks
there is just
THE SUN
and they are all staring at it
because there is nobody to tell them not to
and they’re all like whoah
that looks awesome
let’s go over there

so they do
they just start wandering west
trying to walk into the sun
and on their way the most knowledgeable people they meet
are the dark elves
the ones that opted out of going to valinor back in the day
so really those guys don’t know shit either

oh and here’s the other thing
did I tell you about this before?
elves are immortal, okay
and humans ARE SO COMPLETELY NOT
what the fuck Iluvatar
you had one perfectly good race
could’ve just copy/pasted that one
why you gotta go and make shitty dying dudes
with abandonment issues and acute heliophilia?
for anyone with any doubts about whether humans suck
this
right here

so yeah the elves kinda get wind of these humans wandering around
and they give them all these nasty names
like The Second-Comers
(actually good if you interpret it wrong)
the Usurpers
(No way to spin that)
and the Heavy Handed
(which is probably where all that second coming is coming from
if you know what I mean)
meanwhile Morgoth is just goin’ nuts up in the north
but Feanor will be DAMNED if he’s gonna let Morgoth be the only one going nuts
i’ll tell you about that shit next week.

So the moral of this story
is that people are terrible
not morally terrible, necessarily
just objectively terrible

the end

Philoctetes, more like PhilocTITTIES am I right

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4

happy Saturday jerks
today you’re gonna hear a greek myth
another one of those plays by that dude Sophocles actually
because some New York lady who calls herself a classicist
is too lazy to read it herself
WELCOME TO BETTERMYTHS.COM, WHERE I DO YOUR FUCKING HOMEWORK FOR YOU

okay ahem

PHILOCTETES BY SOPHOCLES

by Fake Ovid

The Time: Right between the Iliad and the Odyssey
The Place: Lemnos, aka Nobody-Gives-A-Fuck Island
Cast: NO TIME FOR THAT HERE THEY COME NOW!

ULYSSES: Yo Neoptolemus, thanks for coming with me to the middle of bumfuck nowhere on these boats we have
NEOPTOLEMUS: Yeah, why are we here again?
ULYSSES: Cause this is where Philoctetes is at
NEOPTOLEMUS: How do you know?
ULYSSES: Cause i was here with him like ten years ago
NEOPTOLEMUS: Ten years!? Why the fuck is he still here?
ULYSSES: Uh well we sort of ditched him
NEOPTOLEMUS: Well that’s shitty.
ULYSSES: We had to! He stepped on a snake and it bit him
NEOPTOLEMUS: Where’s Tiresias when you need him?
ULYSSES: I know right? And then Philoctetes was all whining and complaining all night and nobody could take a nap or sacrifice to zeus or anything so we just had to leave him.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Still pretty shitty, not gonna lie. So I guess we’re here to apologize?
ULYSSES: Well sort of. I mean really it’s gonna be less of an apology and more of a forced conscription into the greek army
NEOPTOLEMUS: Uh
ULYSSES: Dude listen: we have this prophet named Helenus who we stole from the Trojans. He says Troy won’t fall until we get you and Philoctetes there to make it happen.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Well I do want Troy to fall…
ULYSSES: Great! So you’ll go over and lie to Philoctetes so we can prank him onto our ship!
NEOPTOLEMUS: Wait, what? You’re the lying guy, dude. You go do some lies.
ULYSSES: Bro he totally knows me already. Also he is not my biggest fan because of the whole abandonment thing. Point three, he is the best archer in the world and he has Hercules’s old bow so I am not going anywhere near that dude ok
NEOPTOLEMUS: Doesn’t this seem really shitty to you?
ULYSSES: You mean like when I abandoned a dude on an island because he got bit by a snake? Maybe you haven’t noticed, Neoptolemus, but I’m kind of an asshole.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Hey, you’re right!
ULYSSES: Great, I’m glad we’re on the same page. So get on over there and start lying!
NEOPTOLEMUS: Wait, dude, what do I even say?
ULYSSES: Just tell him you’re Achilles’ son and you’re pissed cuz I took his armor instead of giving it to you like I should have.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Hey, that’s not even really lying!
ULYSSES: Yeah the lying part is when you tell him you’re taking him back to greece so he’ll get on the boat and then we take him to Troy instead and make him fight for us.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Still shitty, Ulysses.
ULYSSES: You know it buddy. ULYSSES, AWAYYYYYY!

Ulysses goes away. Neoptolemus approaches Philoctetes’ cave with like a hundred armed dudes.

PHILOCTETES: Whoah, who the fuck are you guys?
NEOPTOLEMUS: Just some dudes who really hate Ulysses. How bout yourself?
PHILOCTETES: Oh man what a coincidence. I hate Ulysses too!
NEOPTOLEMUS: Cool. Wanna go to greece?
PHILOCTETES: Sure!
NEOPTOLEMUS: Awesome, let’s go
PHILOCTETES: No wait, I’m having a siezure
CHORUS: Oh noooooooooooooo
PHILOCTETES: Quick dude hold my bow, i’m bout to black out for a minute

This happens

NEOPTOLEMUS: Shout we … should we just put him in the boat while he’s sleeping?
CHORUS: That sounds like a good i-
PHILOCTETES: HEY I’M AWAKE NOW WHAT A NICE NAP THANK YOU TRUSTED FRIENDS FOR BEING SO TRUSTWORTHY
NEOPTOLEMUS: Shit man I’m sorry
PHILOCTETES: For what?
NEOPTOLEMUS: Remember that dude we both hate?
PHILOCTETES: You mean Ulysses? You could say I remember him.
ULYSSES: WELL I’VE BEEN HIDING IN THESE BUSHES THE WHOLE TIME! COME ON BITCH WE’RE GOING TO TROY
PHILOCTETES: SHIT. WHAT THE FUCK NEOPTOLEMUS
NEOPTOLEMUS: Oh my god I feel like such a jerk
ULYSSES: Yeah, feels good right?
NEOPTOLEMUS: Not really no
PHILOCTETES: YOU GUYS BOTH SUCK AND I’M NOT COMING WITH YOU
ULYSSES: That’s fine dude. I’m pretty sure we just need your bow.

Ulysses and Neoptolemus leave

CHORUS: Hey Philoctetes, how you feelin?
PHILOCTETES: Dude I have a snakebite on my foot and my sole means of survival just got jacked by the only friend I’ve made in ten years of island-bound loneliness. I feel like a million butts.
CHORUS: Well you could just go with them you know. You’d get to be a hero and shit.
PHILOCTETES: I have two words for you: FUCK

Pause

PHILOCTETES: NO. I’d rather stay here and die
CHORUS: Alright dude whatever

Meanwhile

ULYSSES: Whoa whoa neoptolemus what are you doing
NEOPTOLEMUS: I’m going to go give this bow back to Philoctetes
ULYSSES: What, why?!
NEOPTOLEMUS: Because this is shitty and you are shitty
ULYSSES: That has literally never stopped me from doing ANYTHING
NEOPTOLEMUS: That’s sort of my point man
ULYSSES: I’m gonna stab you if you do this. I’ll totally do it. Look, my hand is on the hilt of my sword.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Oh hey what a coincidence, my hand is on the hilt of my sword
ULYSSES: Hey I just decided I don’t want to die today.

Ulysses goes back to hiding in the bushes

NEOPTOLEMUS: Hey Philoctetes I brought your bow back
PHILOCTETES: What the fuck is even happeningggggg
NEOPTOLEMUS: I fell bad so I brought it back. I still think it would be cool if you would go to Troy with us though
PHILOCTETES: You know what would be cool is if you would go fuck yourself
NEOPTOLEMUS: Alright dude, if you really want me to I’ll give you a ride back to Greece instead

Ulysses jumps out of the bushes again

ULYSSES: I WON’T ALLOW IT
PHILOCTETES: BITCH YOU BEST STEP OFF BEFORE I PUT AN ARROW RIGHT THROUGH YOUR WISDOM

Ulysses runs off yelping like a kicked puppy. Ulysses is a chump in this play.

PHILOCTETES: Alright, so are we going to greece or what?
NEOPTOLEMUS: You know, if we go to greece then the whole greek army is going to come kick my ass for betraying them.
PHILOCTETES: Yeah whatever. You have my bow.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Ok sure, but this is kind of a selfish decision you’re making buddy.

Philoctetes and Neoptolemus go to leave. Neoptolemus is surrounded by assholes.

HERCULES: STOP! EVERYBODY STOP BEING ASSHOLES!
EVERYONE: Hercules! Where the hell did you come from?

Hercules came from SPACE, where he lives. He did this because Sophocles has written himself into a corner.

HERCULES: Listen guys, I know everyone basically hates everyone else right now, but Philoctetes you seriously need to get over your shit and go win the Trojan war. You can trust me on this because I’m Space-Hercules.
PHILOCTETES: Hey, you’re right. Thanks, Space-Hercules!
HERCULES: No problem dude. HERCULES AWAYYYYYYYYY.

CHORUS: The moral of the story is that you can be a huge asshole all the time, but only if you’re Ulysses!

THE END.