I was seriously under the impression that i had run out of greek myths.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW THINGS:
YOU GET WRONG.

So Aphrodite is a total ho-bag slupermodel
(a slupermodel is a slut who is also really attractive)
there is documented evidence of this
and meanwhile she is totally laughing her perfect, perfect ass off at all the other gods
like “Haha
I keep making you jerks fall in love with mortals
and then you get them preggers
or else they get YOU preggers
and then your babies DIE
(after a life of epic heroism.)
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
And all the gods are like “fuck this.
Zeus, fix this problem.”
And Zeus is like “Oh, I’ll fix her problems all right.”
And the gods are like “Not like that, Zeus
Not with your penis.
We all know what you are thinking because we are all thinking the exact same thing.”
And Zeus is like “Aww nuts.
Fine.”

So he just crawls into Aphrodite’s brain and makes her in love with this dude Anchises
who is a hunter who lives in a little hut in the woods near Troy
and who just happens to be HOTTER THAN AN EXPOSED HEATING ELEMENT IN AN ANTIQUE IRON
SERIOUSLY THOSE THINGS SUCK IF YOU AREN’T LOOKING OUT FOR THEM.
Basically the point here is
Zeus is shitty at pranking people
because he didn’t even think to pull some Midsummer Night’s Dream shit
and make her fall in love with like a leper or a big basket of sea urchins or something.
NOPE.
SEXIEST DUDE EVER.
WAY TO GO ZEUS.
Also, since when does Zeus have the power to make chicks fall in love?
I thought his power was to make chicks fall in rape
and even then, only with him.
This superpower is NON-CANON.

But whatever
The point is that Aphrodite is giving Anchises the ol’ once-over
and poppin’ ladyboners like erotic popcorn.
(have you ever had erotic popcorn, my friends?
That shit is disgusting.)
So what she does
is she pimps the FUCK out of her bad self
and by the time she meteor-slams into earth she is SO BONERDACIOUS
that wherever she goes she leaves a trail of COPULATING LEOPARDS IN HER WAKE.
NO JOKE.
THIS CHICK HAS SO MUCH RAW ANIMAL MAGNETISM
THAT IT’S GETTING COOKED ON THE SICK FIRES OF HER HOTNESS
AND THEN THE AROMAS ARE ATTRACTING CARNIVORIOUS FUCKING BEASTS
WHO THEN PROCEED TO BONE.

So Anchises is chillin’ at the crib
and he hears the unmistakeable sound of wolves fucking
and he opens the door to find THE HOTTEST FLESHBISCUIT HE HAS EVER LAID EYES ON.
So he’s like “holy shit
you are obviously a goddess
no other type of female is constantly accompanied by a retinue of horny jungle cats
(with the possible exception of horny female jungle cats)
so uh
thank you for showing up at my humble abode?
please don’t kill me?
Oh! Oh! I know!
I’ll build you an altar.
Bitches love altars.”
And Aphrodite is like “BITCH I DON’T WANT NO ALTAR
AND I AIN’T NO GODDESS.
I’m just a really
really
amazingly hot chick
who was frolicking with all my amazingly hot friends
(none of whom are even close to as hot as me)
when all of a sudden there were bandits or maybe a fire
and then HERMES showed up
and then instead of prank-sexing me like any self-respecting god would have
he teleported me over here and told me to have sex with YOU.”
because THAT is what passes for plausible on the outskirts of Troy.

So Anchises is like “You don’t have to tell ME twice.”
Except he doesn’t say it with his mouth
he says it with his dick
oh, also Aphrodite totally hit him with her love spells
not that she needed to
I mean come on
dude lives in the woods BY HIMSELF.
But anyway he drags her ass over to his bed
which is made from the skins of lions and bears
ALL OF WHICH HE KILLED HIMSELF
and if Aphrodite is like ANY DOUBTS I HAD ABOUT THIS SEX WERE JUST DISPELLED RIGHT NOW.
Then they commence to copulate.
Then Anchises falls asleep
because it is hard work keeping up with Aphrodite in the sack, ok?

But when he wakes up he is in for a BIG SURPRISE
because Aphrodite has morphed into ultimate goddess form
and he gets one whiff of her divine radiance and he’s like “WOMAN
YOU ASSURED ME THAT YOU WERE NOT A GODDESS
THAT AND YOUR IRRESISTIBLE HOTNESS WERE THE ONLY TWO REASONS I AGREED TO THIS ARRANGEMENT.
Look, I know how the story goes from here
you get angry at me for no reason
and my flesh ends up getting used to decorate one of your ceremonial dildos.
Nuh uh
I want out.
All I ever wanted was a simple life
and no-strings-attached celestial poon.
Is that too much to ask?”
And Aphrodite is like “No, actually.
See I actually got pranked into doing this
and it’s totally not your fault
and anyway you just put a baby inside of me
so I kinda need to have that now
and then I’m gonna raise it for 5 years and then you can have it back.
But don’t you DARE tell anyone about this shit
because I DO have a ceremonial dildo that needs reupholstering.”
And Anchises is like “Yeah yeah no problem.”
But come on
you can’t not brag about something like that.
So he does
and then he gets struck by lightning
but it’s okay, because his son turns out to be pretty famous.
His name is Aeneas
maybe you’ve heard of him?

So the moral of the story
is that it’s no use going out and trying to get dudes/babes.
Better just to chill out on top of a mountain
and let the god/esses come to YOU.

THE END.

I was sure there were like no greek myths that I hadn’t already told
but I guess I was wrong
AS USUAL
special thanks to Sigmund Train, Sigmund Freud’s UNSTOPPABLE COUSIN
for teaching me this:

So yall remember Cassandra, right?
She’s the chick who Apollo tried to sex up in his own temple
but instead of sexing her up
he ended up cursing her with a gift for making prophecies that NO ONE WOULD EVER BELIEVE
and then she predicted the Trojan war
and that worked out real well for everybody
If I have said it once I have said it a thousand times:
Apollo does not have very much game.

So anyway, cut to the end of the Trojan war
when everyone is busy dying and stuff
mainly Trojans
because Odysseus just threw a fake horse through their wall
and all the Greeks have been at this war for a LOOOOONG time
and they are PISSED
and they are like man
how are we gonna let off some steam?
OH I KNOW:
RAPE

so everyone is running around dispensing buckets of nonconsensual sex
ESPECIALLY this guy named little Ajax
you may remember him as the guy who did almost NO SPECTACULAR THINGS during the war
because he was understandably overshadowed
both literally and figuratively
by BIG AJAX
(who kills himself later because he’s being a little bitch about some armor
but that’s another story)
so little Ajax sees Cassandra
yeah, I bet you were wondering where I was going with this
and he is like IF THIS CHICK IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR APOLLO
SHE IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME
which I think is a good maxim to live by
but Cassandra doesn’t
because Cassandra didn’t even wanna bone Apollo
and that dude is a GOD
albeit a skeezy god with no game and poor sportsmanship
so she is just like AW HELL NO
and runs into the nearest temple of Athena to hide
and little Ajax is like ARE YOU SHITTING ME?
YOU’RE HIDING I A TEMPLE?
SHIT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ANY DOORS.
so he runs inside
and Cassandra is holding onto a statue of Athena
so little Ajax just drags her out along with the statue
because I guess he was saving his strength the whole war
for when he needed to use it to RAPE PEOPLE
i mean, ok
none of the primary sources on this myth actually explicitly say he raped her
but come on
what else was he gonna do?
Checkers?
Not unless they were rape checkers.

So anyway, Ajax takes Cassandra back to his boat
and meanwhile Athena is like WHAT THE FUCK
NO NO NO
first of all:
there is straight up a law against boning people in temples
yes, the greeks had so much of a problem with that that they had to make a LAW against it
I don’t even think christianity has that
and they have a pathological fear of boners
and second of all
Athena is basically the goddess of chastity
and a bunch of other things that add up to women not getting raped while clinging to a replica of her
so this is kind of a big slap in the face
and another slap in the face is that Cassandra is one of her PRIESTESSES
so that’s like a 2x faceslap combo
but the BIGGEST slap in the face
is that Athena
IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE SIDE OF THE GREEKS
so she can’t even kill little Ajax or anything
BECAUSE HE IS ON HER SIDE
WHEN YOUR TEAMMATES START RAPING YOUR FRIENDS, THIS IS WHEN YOU KNOW IT IS TIME TO SWITCH TEAMS

but so Ajax brings Cassandra back to the boats
and Agamemnon is like oh, a hot chick
YOINK
you would think he’d have learned something from the LAST TIME HE DID THIS
but Ajax is much more of a pussy than Achilles
so he just lets it happen
and then Odysseus pops up like HEY HEY HEY
AJAX TOTALLY RAPED THAT CHICK
(Odysseus: Mortal foe to ALL Ajaxes?)
and Agamemnon is like IS THIS TRUE?
and Ajax is like uh
no?
and Odysseus is like dude
Agamemnon
he’s totally lying
look at him, he’s an asshole
I say we stone him to death
and Ajax is like NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and runs away
and hides
IN A TEMPLE OF ATHENA
WOW
THAT’S A LOT LIKE TRYING TO ESCAPE RAPE PROSECUTION
BY HIDING YOUR DICK IN A BEARTRAP
IT WON’T EVEN HIDE YOUR DICK
THOSE TEMPLES DON’T HAVE DOORS, WE’VE ESTABLISHED THIS

but anyway, Ajax is in the temple all like hey Athena
I know we have been through some rough times
but uh
can I get a do-over?
I’ll totally wash your dishes and stuff until I work off this rape
and Athena is like how about
HIGGITY-HELL NO
HEY ZEUS
CAN I BORROW ONE OF YOUR LIGHTNING BOLTS REAL QUICK?
and Zeus is like sure, yeah
I have tons of these fuckers
and then Athena is like BAZZAP
right in Ajax’s butterpouch
and Ajax dies
and then Athena proceeds to call in a favor with Poseidon
(probably from that time he tricked Hephaestus into jizzing on her leg)
to make him him wreck all the other Greek ships on their way home
and that is pretty much why the Odyssey happens
so
wow.

So the moral of the story
is try not to be sexy inside of any temples
because if the gods don’t rape you, Ajax will

THE END.

Now I know what you are thinking guys
and no
rapehazard is not the name of my new sludgecore speed metal band
it is the name of this post
because this post is about a rape hazard

okay so there’s this dude Aesacus
he’s kind of a hermit sort of
except his beard is not long enough
he is pretty young and his mom is a nymph
and also he is bros with Hector from the Iliad
so he is not really very much like a hermit at all
more like a feral fairy forest dude
who hangs out in the forest all the time gettin’ his lonely on

but apparently this particular forest is a pretty hip spot
because lately Aesacus has been catching glimpses of this MECHA HOT-CHICK
named Hesperia
I thought this myth was going to have something to do
with the golden apples of the Hesperides
but boy what I wrong
and if you thought that
you were also wrong
what
did you think you were special
did you think you got to just believe wrong things and have them not be wrong things?
just because it was you who believed them
and you live in some kind of magic fairy bullshit castle
where you can tell no lies and the prince shits candy rainbows from his truth pony?
think again asshole
or maybe actually don’t think again
you might think more wrong things

ANYWAY
Aesacus catches perhaps one too many glimpses of Hesperia gettin’ all bathey
which causes him to morph into TURBO RAPE BATTLE ACTION AESACUS
WITH EXTENDING PENIS
and he comes charging out of the underbrush like SEXXXXX PLEEEEEEASEEEEEE
and Hesperia is like aw hell no
and starts running
and Aesacus starts chasing
and she’s running and he’s chasing and then OW
BAM
WHAT THE FUCK
SNAKES
and then Hesperia dies
and Aesacus is like oh nooooo
I am not kinky enough for necrophilia
the only way to salvage this
is if I die too
cause it’s not necrophilia if you’re both dead
so rather than finding another snake he jumps off the nearest cliff
but then on his way down one of them pesky sea nymphs named Tethys
is like aw hell no that’s nasty
and she turns him into a seagull instead
and Aesacus is like FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK
and spends the rest of forever dive-bombing the ocean
trying as hard as he can to drown himself
so that’s why seagulls are dumb in that particular way

so the moral of the story
is when it comes to forest sex
always bring protection
and also antivenom

THE END

Alright so you may have already figured this out
but i did not start doing a video myth of the life of Christ yesterday
even though i totally said I was gonna
because you know what?
GRAD SCHOOL
but i’ll be doing it in the next few days
don’t you worry your pretty little heads
or if your heads are huge and grotesque
you still shouldn’t worry
even though I am a little worried every time I see or think about you

OKAY SO ONE TIME ZEUS FUCKED OVER SOME TITANS

this was back when he was basically just fucking over everyone in a straight line
on a one-man mission to leave no throne un-usurped and no ballsack un-severed
(speaking of which have you guys read The Name of The Wind?
yeah
it’s basically that)
but yeah apparently imprisoning an entire race of giant dudes
is a very efficient way to piss off their massive horde of unruly bros
so all these giants
who are like the giants we all know and love
except with SNAKES FOR LEGS
not an individual snake tail like the Serpent King or any of that weak shit
these guys have ONE SNAKE PER LEG
that actually seems structurally unstable
but guys
sometimes you have to be structurally unstable in order to be TOTALLY AWESOME
TAKE THAT ARCHITECTS
woo tangent

okay so these giants are pissed off
and the way they decide to express their pissed-offitude
is by climbing up on a bunch of mountains
and repeatedly hurling rocks at mount olympus
until it looks like one of those trolls from the neverending story
the ones that eat rocks or whatever
but yeah no one on mt. olympus can get ANYTHING DONE and it’s really pissing them off
and to make matters worse
Hera has to go and make a totally emo prophecy like hey guys
there’s no way we can kill these giants
except with the help of a lion-skinned mortal
and even then it will only work
if we keep the giants from finding this immortality weed
that we allowed to grow on earth for some reason
I guess this is what happens when you kill all the people who created the world
and then take over in their place
there is no transition meeting
no one tells you these things
but yeah

so the gods put their heads together
and they figure out that the lion-skinned dude Hera is talking about
is actually Hercules
because of how he walks around all the time wearing a lion skin cape
so they send some dudes to go get his help
and meanwhile Zeus comes up with a great plan to find the immortality herb
which is he has Phoebus and Selene turn off all the lights
and then he just goes groping around on earth in the dark to find that shit
guided by Athena because I guess she knows this kind of shit
honestly I think zeus just turned the lights out
because he wanted the excuse to go around on earth groping people in the dark
but anyway he totally finds the herb and brings it up to mt. Olympus
where it is of no use to anyone
PERFECT

meanwhile the gods manage to get Hercules in on this
and then they’re like HEY GIANTS
IT’S TIME TO D-D-D-D-DDUEL
and then everyone starts killing each other
or at least trying
because the first thing that happens is hercules shoots some giant in the head
and he falls down
but then he gets right back up
because apparently he can’t be killed when he has home court advantage
so Athena is like HERCULES
QUICK
DRAG HIM TO ANOTHER COUNTRY
so hercules does
and then he beats him to death with a club
it’s that easy

but while Hercules is out of the country
this one giant named Porphyrion gets it into his head to charge the gods
and Athena is the only person who gets her balls up enough to mount a defense
but Porphyrion is not interested in Athena
he’s only interested in MOLESTING THE EVERLOVING CRAP OUT OF HERA
and zeus sees this and is like AW HELL NO
I AM CHOOSING THIS AS A CONVENIENT TIME TO START CARING ABOUT MY WIFE
and he just zaps that fucker with a lightning bolt
and then Hercules comes back for the murder assist

the rest of the battle is pretty boring
basically how it goes is the gods keep wounding the giants
and then Hercules has to come over and do the coup de grace
like a long chain of the most BRUTAL ALLEY-OOPS
it gets kind of monotonous once everybody figures it out
and nothing interesting happens
except that Bacchus starts beating giants to death with his Thyrsus
which is literally just a big stalk of fennel tied up with ivy
and topped with a fucking pinecone
he is beating giants to death with this thing
I tell you
they don’t make booze like they used to

anyway eventually the giants get fed up with dying so much and they run away
but not before Athena throws a big rock the size of an island at one of them
and simultaneously kills the giant and invents Sicily
and basically the gods just run after the giants
making sure they stab or bludgeon or fry every single one of those dudes in the back
also,
Silenus
who you may remember as Dionysis’s alcoholic stepdad/tutor
totally claims he was at the battle
but in reality he just ate some mushrooms he found
and spent several hours yelling epithets at a tree

so the moral of the story
is if you are going to imprison a really big group of people
make sure you also kill all their relatives

THE END.

Hey guys I SAID larges and extra larges are back in stock
DID YOU NOT HEAR ME

anyway here’s a short myth that I think we can all relate to

so once upon a time there is this dude named Oeneus
but this story isn’t about him
because despite the fact that Dionysis totally goes out of his way
to provide this dude with THE FIRST GRAPE VINE
Oeneus just proceeds to sit right down
and fail to produce ANY BOOZE WHATSOEVER
so the burden of this epic discovery falls to this other dude
his name is Icarius
not Icarus
that’s a different dude

but yeah Icarius totally invents him some wine
and he’s like oh man I have all this booze
and NO FRIENDS TO SHARE IT WITH
but hey
I hear shepherds like getting fucked up
HEY SHEPHERDS
and the Shepherds are like YEAH?
and Icarius is like HERE DRINK THIS STUFF I MADE
and the shepherds are like FUCK YEAH FREE DRINKS

but guys
it turns out no one has ever gotten drunk before
and these shepherds get so balls-over-beard plastered
that they are like OH FUCK I THINK WE GOT BEWITCHED
BETTER KILL THE DUDE WHO GAVE US FREE DRINKS
so they do
then they sober up and they’re like oh right
murder
that’s a crime or something
TIME TO MAKE LIKE SHEPHERDS AND HERD OUR SHEEP THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

so they bury Icarius under a pine tree
but unfortunately for them Icarius’s dog has been watching THE WHOLE TIME
but he doesn’t maul them or anything
no
that would be too simple
instead he goes and leads Icarius’s daughter Eragon to the body
and then digs up the corpse
presumably to freak her shit out
or because he thinks dead bodies are cool
dogs are weird
but anyway Eragon’s immediate rational response is to hang herself from the tree
and also pray to the gods
that random Athenian chicks continue to get hung from this tree all the time
until someone avenges Icarius’s death
and the gods are like sure ok

here’s the problem
no one other than the gods heard that shit
and the gods are really terrible at PR
so basically what happens
is chicks just keep showing up hanging from this pine tree
and no one has any clue why
it’s a spooky murder mystery
except the culprit is incompetence
but finally the Oracle at Delphi gets off her ass and is like hey
maybe someone should avenge Icarius?
what are you staring at guys
sometimes I can totally be straightforward and helpful sometimes
just not very often

so basically they track down the shepherds and hang them
and then people stop getting hanged for no reason
and in fact they all have this huge annual wine party from then on
where girls get shitfaced and swing from trees
happily reliving the memory of how a bunch of girls got murdered one time
and it’s great as long as you don’t think about it too much

so the moral of the story
is don’t give booze to shepherds
it’s like giving a mouse a cookie
except the mouse will fucking stab you

THE END

(Larges and Extra Larges are back in stock
also I will be starting a video myth on monday
OF THE BOOK OF MATTHEW)

I think it says something about ancient greece

that they have one god of sleep
and THREE GODS OF WAR
There’s Eris
the goddess of fucking everything up all the time
Ares
the god of ceaseless stabbing
and Athena
the goddess of hey guys maybe we should stop stabbing for a second and make a plan
maybe it would help us not get stabbed?

today we are going to focus on Athena
of all the unreasonable assholes packed sardine style onto the tip of mount olympus
Athena is both the least unreasonable
and the least asshole
FACT
lemme prove it to you:
despite the fact that she is a goddess of war
Athena doesn’t own any fucking weapons
that would be like being a god of cookery
and not owning any fancy chef hats
PS have you guys seen God of Cookery
it has this scene
where a woman is rolling back and forth pounding a giant steak with her fists
it is worth a look let me tell you

ANYWAY
usually when Athena needs some weapons
she just hits up Zeus and borrows his
Zeus is more of a lover than a fighter anyway
but ONE TIME
during the Trojan War
when Zeus has made it SUPER CLEAR that he is MEGA NEUTRAL
Athena just doesn’t feel right about borrowing his weapons
so she decides to finally get her ass in gear and buy some of her own

to that end
she goes over to Hephaestus’s place and she’s like hey dude
how much for some sweet weapons and armor?
and Hephaestus is like ZERO DOLLARS
I WILL DO IT…
FOR LOVE
and Athena just completely misses the innuendo boat on that one
also the throbbing cripple boner in Hephaestus’s toga
and just says OK SOUNDS GREAT SEE YOU IN A COUPLE HOURS
and Hephaestus gets to work on that armor

so a few ours later Athena comes back
and Hephaestus is like HERE’S YOUR ARMOR
ALSO MY PENIS
I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF AIMING IT SQUARELY AT YOUR VAGINA
TRUST ME I’M AN ENGINEER I KNOW ALL ABOUT THESE THINGS
LEVERAGE AND STUFF
and Athena is like EWW SO UNSEXY
and she pushes his penis away
but see what she doesn’t realize
is that pushing on penises tends to get them pretty excited
so she ends up with a big wad of jizz all over her thigh
guys i’m not making this up
this was part of someone’s religion
anyway Athena is super grossed out so she wipes the jizz off her thigh with some wool
and then chucks it to the ground
where it remains so potent that it IMPREGNATES MOTHER EARTH
we’ll get to that in a second

so Athena is like HEPHAESTUS EW WHAT THE FUCK
and Hephaestus is like what?
Poseidon totally told me about how you were on your way over here
hoping someone would have some nonconsensual sex with you
i guess he was trying to prank me
or you
or mother earth
i’m pretty sure he was just chucking a prank grenade into the pantheon
and then laughing hysterically at whoever got dismembered
anyway he told me that and i believed him
because frankly my wife Aphrodite and I haven’t been getting it on lately
pretty sure she’s banging Ares now and I’m so lonely and my leg really hurts and
Athena is like NO TIME FOR THAT
MOTHER EARTH IS YELLING AT ME
and Mother Earth is like Athena why did you throw a bunch of Jizz at me
now i’m pregnant
I resent that
and Athena is like what are you gonna do about it
and mother earth is like well i’m certainly not gonna raise this kid
and Athena is like FINE
I WILL
and then she does
and that kid has a son who builds a city that worships athena
and also invents monogamy and paternity
and replaces blood sacrifice with sissypants rice cake offerings
so basically no one wins

So the moral of the story
is that telling your friends to rape each other is not a prank
it is a disaster
I thought everyone knew this already

THE END.

Oh gods I’m so sorry

I spent all this time going on about what a huge bitch Hera is
and granted
she IS a huge bitch
but I never even stopped to consider
that there might be a REASON for her excessive bitchery
WELL TODAY I DID SOME RESEARCH AND GUESS WHAT I LEARNED

so Zeus chops off his dad’s balls and throws them in the ocean, right?
that part of the story is pretty well known
also gross
but see the next thing Zeus does after that stunning display of pure class
is go hit up his twin sister Hera
YEP
THAT’S RIGHT
HERA IS TOTALLY ZEUS’S SISTER
bet you didn’t see that coming
oh wait it’s a greek myth
I forgot that EVERYONE IS HAVING INCEST ALL THE TIME

but actually, the incest in this case is not immediate
see Zeus hits up Hera and he’s like yo honeynipples
I heard a rumor that you have some kind of a hole I can put my penis in
so I came to do some fact-checking
ALL NIGHT LONG
and Hera is like Zeus that has got to be the worst pickup line I have ever heard
and I grew up with you, even
because remember
I’M YOUR FUCKING SISTER
and Zeus is like “more like my FUCKING sister, am i right?”
and hera is like ew no

so Zeus has to get crafty
but Zeus is not a very crafty guy
he is the god of lightning, not good ideas
so he decides to stick with his old standby
of turning into adorable animals and then fucking the shit out of people
so he disguises himself as a bedraggled-ass Cuckoo
and airswims all the way up to Hera’s tits and gets busy with the nestling
and Hera is like aw so adorable
lemme just let my guard down real quick
and the Zeus is like BOOM
YALL JUST GOT SEXED
HAHA I PRANK-SEXED YOU SO NOW WE HAVE TO GET MARRIED
and Hera’s like aw dammit bro

so they get married
and first of all their honeymoon lasts for THREE HUNDRED YEARS
that is not a honeymoon
that is a honeyMILLENIUM
i imagine even endless pornstar sex in the bahamas would get old after 300 years
and Zeus is the god of lightning so i doubt he is the greatest at intercourse
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
anyway Hera finally manages to extricate herself from this interminable honeymoon
and proceeds to dedicate one day out of every year
to taking a bath SO INTENSE
that it RESTORES HER VIRGINITY
not just because she is incredibly ashamed of her terrible marriage
but also because she can seemingly become pregnant for ANY REASON AT ALL
one time she touches a flower
BAM
ARES AND ERIS
another time she touches some LETTUCE
BLAZOW
HERE COMES HEBE
another time she doesn’t touch ANYTHING AT ALL
AND STILL MANAGES TO GIVE BIRTH TO HEPHAESTUS
and then Hephaestus finds out about it
and proceeds to CLAMP HIS MOTHER TO A FUCKING MECHANICAL TORTURE CHAIR
UNTIL HE IS SATISFIED THAT SHE IS NOT LYING ABOUT THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF HIS BIRTH
so yeah anyone would be a little bitter after all this shit
not to mention that the period immediately after their 300 year honeymoon
is a period of greek history known as
“The Era Where Zeus Saturated Every Living Thing With His Electric Jizz”
seriously
He fucks Themis and produces the seasons and the fates
he fucks Mnemosene NINE TIMES and produces the muses
his mother gets pissed off and warns him about too much fucking
and Zeus is like GODS HELP ME MOTHER
IF YOU WARN ME ABOUT SEX ONE MORE TIME I WILL TURN INTO A SNAKE AND HAVE SEX WITH YOU
so then that happens
oh yeah also he probably fathered Persephone
woo

so naturally Hera is maybe MORE than a little upset about all this
BUT THAT IS NOT EVEN ALL THE SHIT THAT IS GETTING SERVED UP
IN THIS ELEVEN COURSE GOURMET SHIT DINNER
because see one day Hera and the other gods finally get fed up with Zeus’s dickery
and decide it would be awesome to tie him up while he’s asleep
and hide his lightning bolts
pretty solid plan so far
but so Zeus wakes up like I’LL KILL ALL OF YOU
and the gods are like dude you’re totally tied up
we took the liberty of tying A HUNDRED KNOTS in that rope
now we’re gonna go over here and argue about who gets to be king
don’t escape or anything ok?

so while the gods are arguing Thetis gets really nostalgic for Zeus’s wang
but she can’t really bone him properly because he is all knotted the hell up
and not in a sexy way
Hera made SURE of that
so she goes and gets this dude Briareus
who happens to have EXACTLY ONE HUNDRED HANDS
and he busts into the room
instantly unties the knots using all his hands at once
and then is never heard from again because he exists only for this purpose apparently
and then Zeus is like RRRR HERA FUCK YOU
and he chains her to the fucking sky
with gold shackles around her wrists and ANVILS STAPLED TO HER FEET
and all the gods are like ok zeus we’ll be good we promise
and Zeus is like DAMN RIGHT
NOW WHERE’S MY DAY PLANNER
I THINK I MAY HAVE TO DOUBLE UP ON ADULTERY FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS

so the moral of the story
is think twice before you call someone a bitch
maybe they were stapled to the sky by an adulterous sky-jerk
after three-hundred years of terrible sex
and many more years of violent infidelity and unprovoked pregnancies.
probably not though
probably they are just a huge bitch.

THE END.

I figure it’s time for a greek myth
I’ve been kind of far afield lately and it feels good to come back
plus some creepy stalker bought me like a dozen greek myth books
so i am trying to appease them
whoever they are

OKAY SO THE TROJAN WAR RIGHT
it happens
some dudes kill some other dudes
they flex their muscles and run around a lot
it’s pretty okay
if that’s your thing I guess

BUT TODAY WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE TROJAN WAR
today we are talking about the aftermath of the trojan war
see because after that shit gets done
or at least after Achilles dies
everyone is faced with a very important question:
who the fuck gets to keep Achilles’ armor?
There are two main dudes who lay claim to that shit
there is Big Ajax
who is this guy
who is I guess really big?
and there is Odysseus
the lyin’ cheatin’ adulterin’ motherfucker
who in a few short weeks will go on to wheel a horse full of murder into troy
GUESS WHO WINS
I WILL GIVE YOU A HINT:
HIS NAME IS ODYSSEUS

but it’s not even odysseus’s fault that he wins
see everybody is kind of stumped about how to decide this shit
some people suggest having a secret vote
and some people suggest a murdering contest
and some people suggest just fucking giving Odysseus the armor
because fuck it he’s just gonna take it anyway
but none of those are what actually happen
because this professional wise dude named Nestor has a BETTER IDEA
he’s like hey guys
how about instead of relying on our better judgement
we rely on the better judgement of our ENEMIES
just send someone to listen at the walls outside troy
and hear who the Trojans think should get the armor
and everyone is like uh well okay sure

so someone goes and does that
and they basically overhear some Trojan chicks going OMIGAWD ODYSSEUS IS SO HOT
FUCK AJAX
BUT ACTUALLY
FUCK ODYSSEUS
BUT LIKE IN THE SEXY WAY
OH GOD WE ARE SO CONFUSED IT MUST BE BECAUSE WE WANT TO BONE ODYSSEUS
and the spy goes back to the greeks and he’s like uh
problem solved?

except no
problem NOT solved
because it turns out that Ajax is a TERRIBLE SPORT
see as soon as he finds out about this shit
he goes completely bonkers
and as soon as the sun goes down he just starts running around
chaining sheep together and stabbing the shit out of them
i think he has become convinced that they are Odysseus or something
but anyway he finally gets a little bit of a hold on himself
enough to realize that he is mainly murdering sheep
and that he should probably get the fuck out of here before someone finds out
so he finds his bro Teucer and he’s like hey bro
gonna go kill myself now
that cool?
And Teucer is like what did you say?
oh, uh
sure bro
sure

so Ajax goes and finds a nice picturesque suicide spot
and starts trying to stab himself
but that sword wants NOTHING TO DO WITH STABBING AJAX
it’s like wait a second dude
i know what’s going on here
i’m gonna stab you
and then you’re gonna be like WHAT THE FUCK SWORD
HOW DARE YOU STAB BIG AJAX
and then you’re gonna turn me into a sword pretzel
swords do not make very good pretzels ajax they aren’t even edible
but so instead of murdering Ajax
the sword just turns into a limp-ass noodle
thus further embarassing Ajax
until he figures out that he can still kill himself
by just stuffing the sword into his armpit
real fuckin’ dignified

so then next morning some of Ajax’s other relatives are like hey Teucer
Ajax looked pretty pissed last night
maybe we should confine him to his tent so he doesn’t do anything crazy
like kill a bunch of sheep
or maybe himself
and Teucer is like way ahead of you buddy
he totally already did those things so there’s nothing to worry about
and everyone is like what the fuck Teucer
why you gotta be so useless

and meanwhile, Menelaus is totally refusing to let anyone bury Ajax
because he’s a huge dick apparently
or maybe because he doesn’t want to expend the effort and dirt necessary
to bury Ajax’s huge dick
but either way Odysseus pulls some strings and gets Ajax buried
even if it is in a coffin that says I’M A PANSY WHO COMMITS SUICIDE BLUH BLUH BLUH
and then Odysseus donates Achilles’ armor to Achilles’ son
which they probably should have just done in the first place
side-stepping this fuckscapade entirely

EPILOGUE:
Achilles’s son totally loses the armor in a shipwreck
Teucer comes home and then gets exiled for totally failing to stand up for his bro
IN ANY WAY
and Odysseus goes to Hell and meets Ajax and Ajax is like I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU

so the moral of the story
is always leave a last will and testament
you don’t want a bunch of sweaty muscle dudes murdering all the sheep
just because you forgot to bequeath your fucking bathrobe or something

the end.