Category Archives: OLDE ENGLISH

Matty Groves Must Give Good Head

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So here’s a cool thing I learned
from my friend who was born in West Virginia:
long ago in england
before condoms or twitter
people entertained themselves by singing dumb songs
and then later some of these people moved to North America
but they kept singing their dumb songs
because I guess nobody told them about twitter or condoms
or anything else, apparently
because, see
the forms of these songs have remained ALMOST UNCHANGED
from way way way back in the day
like, compare this
to this
to this:

So there’s this dude Matty Groves
and he’s got a lot to prove
because first of all he is a very small fellow
(perhaps a child?
the ballad is not clear
but it is called a Child ballad so it’s possible)
plus
his name MATTY GROVES
that’s only one step above Dick Bush on the shitty names ladder

So Matty Groves is at a holiday party
it is the medieval equivalent of an office christmas party
which means that all the lords and ladies are in attendance
and people are getting drunk
and making decisions they will perhaps regret.
Matty Groves is one of these people.
So Matty is chilling in the great hall or whatever
and these three chicks walk in:
one is dressed in green
one is dressed in red
and Maddy Groves is like “red and green?
that’s a bit too matchy-matchy for me.”
but the third one is dressed in white
and Maddy Groves is like “D-D-D-DONUTS”
and he turns to the dude next to him and he’s like “yo
You see that chick dressed in white?
I know she got a man
specifically a man named Lord Daniel
(or lord Arlen
or lord Barnetts or Barnard or Barnaby
depending on the version you’re looking at
which just suggests to me
that this dame got AROUND)
but do you know how many fucks I give?
none many
I’m gonna play the lap-sax with her ALL NIGHT.”

In other versions of the story
it’s the Lord’s wife that approaches Matty Groves
like “hey little boy let’s fuck”
so this interaction is either sleezy or pedophiley
take your pick.
Either way, the problem
(other than the sleaze and pedophilia)
is that some dude who works for Lord Daniel
just HAPPENS to be standing nearby
and he overhears this shit
and he’s like “Oh fuck
if Maddy Groves bangs Lord Daniel’s wife
and he finds out I didn’t do shit
I’m gonna be out of a job
and Lord Daniel gives DENTAL
that is SO RARE in medieval England
it’s practically an anachronism!”

But this pageboy doesn’t have a horse
he doesn’t even have a bike
he has to RUN
He has to run like TEN MILES
and then he gets to a river
and the BRIDGE is broken
so he has to swim across
and run like another ten miles
and finally he shows up at Lord Daniel’s house
because I guess Lord Daniel hates christmas
and also maybe his wife.
Maybe this whole infidelity thing is starting to make sense.

Anyway the page starts banging on the door
and Lord Daniel opens it up in his smoking jacket like “WHAT
WHAT DO YOU WANT
IT’S LIKE 3AM”
and the page is like “Dude, Matty Groves is about to fuck your wife
actually at this point he probably has fucked your wife
it took me a while to get here
and from what I’ve heard about Matty Groves
and your wife tbh
they are probably L-O-V-I-N-G IT”
So lord Daniel picks him up by the collar
and he’s like “Ok kid
if you’re lying to me I will straight up kill you
but if you’re telling me the truth
I don’t know, I’ll buy you a pizza or something.”
So Lord Daniel puts on his shades
jumps on his motorcycle
and takes off.

MEANWHILE, IN LORD DANIEL’S BEDROOM
(because oh yeah
I guess the christmas party was at Lord Daniel’s house
which makes it even weirder that he wasn’t there)
Matty Groves wakes up and he’s like “shit
what was that noise
that sounded like a motorcycle revving
and Lord Daniel is the only dude I know
who owns a motorcycle in Medieval England
I gotta get out of here”
but Lord Daniel’s wife is like “shhhh
don’t worry about that sound
it’s just … feudalism or something
go back to bed”
so clearly she wants Maddy Groves to fucking die

because what happens next is they both wake up
and Lord Daniel is standing at the foot of the bed
with TWO SWORDS
like “SURPRISE, BITCHES
Now get up, Matty Groves
put some damn pants on
I’m not gonna kill you with your dick out
people would talk”
So Matty starts putting on his clothes
and he’s like “Ok man look
because of our ridiculous code of chivalry
you definitely can’t kill me right now
I have zero swords
you have two swords
that’s like
200% more swords than I have
not cool.”
And Lord Daniel is like “Ok first of all
200% of zero is still zero
and fuck me if I’m getting talked down by someone who doesn’t understand math
but second of all yes
these swords are dope
I brought them from the future, I’m a time traveler
but I ain’t greedy
I give my employees dental, for fuck’s sake
one of these swords IS FOR YOU”

So Matty Groves, having run out of excuses, takes a sword
and Lord Daniel even lets him strike first
but Matty is a lover, not a fighter
so Lord Daniel gets to strike back
and he kills the poor little bastard in one blow
and then
with the dead body still bleeding all over the floor
Lord Daniel goes over and sits his wife on his lap and he’s like “ok look
if I was you and you was me
what would you do about all this”
and Lord Daniel’s wife looks deep into her own soul
and asks herself that eternal question:
Was the D worth it?
and the answer
is YES
so she says, “Boy
you’re pretty and everything
you got a nice chin
but not only do I like Matty Groves better than you
I like him better than your WHOLE family
so when you murder me
because I know that’s what’s going down
bury me somewhere nice
like, away from your gross parents
and put Matty right next to me
like within dicking distance
and when you die?
boy i know what you’re into
you can be buried by my feet.”

So yeah then Lord Daniel kills his wife
and probably has a hell of a time finding another one

so the moral of the story
is that open relationships solve a lot of problems.

The end.

Robin Hood Corrupts the Entire Government

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going kinda crazy getting ready for Gen Con
so let’s keep this quick:

So Robin Hood has been being a criminal for a while at this point
and getting away with it
and the king of England
(who in this story is named Richard
and actually has a legit claim to the throne
which makes Robin Hood look less like a cool rebel
and more like just a straight up criminal BUT WHATEVER)
is like “damn
how is this guy continually shitting in the milk of all my tax collectors?
could it be that my tax collectors LIKE having their milk shat in?
is my selection process somehow skewed towards shitmilk enthusiasts?
or is Robin Hood just a really dope dude who would be great to party with?
Occam’s razor suggests that option b is the correct one
but how can I be sure?
OH!
I’ll disguise myself as the one thing Robin Hood hates more than me:
A PRIEST
and then I’ll go hit him up with a bunch of other fake priests
in the middle of his home turf
and then not get murdered and robbed by a band of career highwaymen!
and all of his advisors are like
“…eh”

so Robin Hood is chilling in his baller forest mansion
getting yet another sick neck tat
when one of his boys runs up and is like “HEY
THERE’S A BUNCH OF PRIESTS UP IN OUR WOODS”
and Robin Hood jumps up like “HO-LEE SHIT
LOOKS LIKE I’M GONNA HAVE TO FINISH THIS SWEET NECK TAT LATER
THIS IS LIKE MURDER CHRISTMAS”
then he throws on a pair of roller blades and skates off to meet them.

So the king and all his dudes are walking along
when suddenly Robin Hood hits a sick ramp and does a flip in front of them
and then he’s like “STOP
STOP BEING PRIESTS IN MY WOODS
AND START BEING DUDES GIVING ME MONEY”
and king Richard is like “No dude you misunderstand
we are here to see Robin Hood
we are messengers from King Richard!”
and Robin Hood
who is not nearly as bad at seeing through disguises as everybody else
is like “Uh … huh.
Boy, that sure changes things!
I sure do like the king!
Hey, I bet you guys dig parties, right?
Come party with me, it will be great.”

And that’s what they do
they party ALL NIGHT LONG
they drink so much wine
they eat so much food
Richard is seriously impressed
it’s almost like Robin Hood isn’t giving all his ill-gotten gains to the poor
and is instead spending it on wild parties to bribe government officials
SHOCKER.

Anyway pretty soon Richard is like “Dude I am so hammered
I love you, Robin Hood
what do you say I get you a pardon from the king
will you come work for me I mean him in that case?”
and Robin Hood is like “I SURE WILL DUDE.”
and Richard is like “Great.
Hey
Hey:
I’m actually king Richard”
and Robin Hood is like “WHOA I HAD NO IDEA.
I WAS JUST THROWING YOU A HUGE PARTY BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT
NOT OUT OF SELF-INTEREST OR ANYTHING
anyway thanks for the pardon
let’s go rub it in the Sheriff’s face.”
Then they go into town and eat all the Sheriff’s food
and there’s nothing the Sheriff can do
and then Robin goes to the capitol to pursue what was obviously his true calling all along:
politics

the moral of the story is that lobbying is older than hygiene.

The end.

Robin Hood Takes Care Of His Own, By Which I Mean Other Criminals

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Right so Robin Hood is riding his skateboard through the forest
and he almost runs it straight into this old woman
she is not looking where she is going because she is too busy CRYING
so robin hood whips off his sunglasses and he’s like “WHOA
LADY
Why are you moistening my forest with your tears?
Did the AARP revoke your membership?
Did Walgreens run out of Werther’s originals?”
and she’s like “NO MY 3 SONS ARE GONNA GET HANGED YOU PRICK”
so Robin Hood is like “Whoa
damn lady
what did they do?
punch a couple babies?
fuck a pope?”
and she’s like “NO THEY JUST SHOT THE KING’S DEER THAT’S ALL”
and Robin Hood is like “Oh fuck
THAT’S ILLEGAL????”

Because, see, here’s the thing
Robin Hood shoots the king’s deer like ALL THE TIME
it’s basically all he eats
as far as he is concerned, sherwood forest is one huge grocery store
and all the grocery store sells is deer meat
just a huge shitty grocery store where the food runs from you
and apparently you can get arrested for chasing it.
Now Robin Hood has a keen legal mind
(you need one of those as a career criminal)
and he understands that if he lets these dudes get hanged
for doing a thing he does ALL THE TIME
it is going to set a really bad precedent
(also in some versions the three dudes work for him so there’s that)
so Robin Hood IMMEDIATELY jumps back on his skateboard
and shreds his way to Nottingham

On the way to Nottingham he runs into a Palmer
which is a fancy medieval name for a Pilgrim
which is a fancy medieval name for a dude who wanders from holy place to holy place
asking people for free food and a place to crash in the name of god
so basically it’s what you do if you want to be a professional homeless person
(you can still do this, actually
I did it for a while
it was pretty cool)
so Robin Hood is like “YO DUDE
SWITCH CLOTHES WITH ME
I’LL GIVE YOU 40 DOLLARS”
now this homeless dude is no idiot
he takes one look at Robin Hood’s sweet shades and his leather jacket
and he’s like “Dude, your clothes are fly as hell
and my clothes are fucking flightless
they are like the penguins of the clothing world
so either you’re trying to prank me
in which case fuck you
or you REALLY NEED MY SHITTY CLOTHES for some reason
in which case 40 bucks is a little low don’t you think?”
and Robin Hood is like “FINE
I’LL GIVE YOU 400 BUCKS.
GO GET HAMMERED.”
and the Palmer is like “Way ahead of you bro”

So Robin Hood shows up in Nottingham wearing these nasty clothes
and he runs up to the Sheriff of Nottingham
who has a bizarre medical condition which prevents him from recognizing faces
and Robin Hood is like “Yo sheriff
I heard you’re about to execute some dudes
how much will you pay me to execute them for you?”
Apparently this is a way you could make money in medieval tymes
just show up to executions and offer to press the button
no background check necessary
so the sheriff is like “Yeah dude totally
I’ll give you like 13 bucks, plus you can have their clothes and wallets”
so robin hood climbs up on the gallows where the dudes are
and then he’s like “13 dollars?
I don’t want your thirteen dollars
all I wanna do is blow my horn three times
and summon my huge army of criminals to release these dudes
I don’t know why my plan required getting into this shitty disguise
because I appear to command like ten thousand guys
but it just doesn’t really feel like a caper until I switch clothes with somebody
you know?
Anyway let’s drag the sheriff into the woods and hang him instead of these dudes.
That seems reasonable.”

So that’s what they do
and Robin Hood burns his clothes
leaving him with nothing but an emerald-studded thong and gold nipple rings.

The moral of the story
is that precedent is the cornerstone of the legal system
precedent and murder.

The end.

Robin Hood is the Most Aggressive Wedding Planner

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I might as well level with you
I’m running a Robin Hood themed Leverage game at Gen Con
so I’ve been reading a lot of Robin Hood to get in the spirit
and I might as well get Content out of that research, right?
so here, for your enjoyment
is yet another TRUE CRIME TALE FROM THE ENGLISH WOOD

Right so Robin Hood and his boys are chilling in the forest
like they do all the time
and they see this dude in fancy red clothes
running around
singing
getting his joy on
just generally being gay as hell
but then the NEXT day they see the same dude
and he is all goth’d out
moping his way through the tall grass
no longer even a little gay
and Robin Hood is like “whoa, look at that dude
who prayed his gay away, am I right?
Never fear, I know just what to do:
let’s go rob him.”

So Robin Hood and co jump out of the bushes like “Ha HA!
Got any money?”
and the dude
(whose name is Alan, btw)
is like “No I don’t have any money do I look like I have money?”
and Robin Hood is like “Bummer”
and Alan is like “You don’t even know what a bummer my life is.
I was gonna marry this chick, right
but now all of a sudden she has to marry this other dude
because he’s rich or super handsome or something
all I really know is that it’s unfair.”
and Robin Hood is like “it sounds very unfair, yes
I will get you your lady back for a hundred bucks.”
and Alan is like “dude I just told you I’m broke
but I guess I can be your servant forever or something.”
and Robin Hood is like “YES!
SLAVERY!
YET ANOTHER CRIME FOR ME TO HASTILY JUSTIFY!
Alright dude, you got yourself a deal
now go polish my arrows.”

So Robin Hood rolls into town where the wedding is happening
dressed all fancy and carrying a guitar
and he knocks on the door of the church and the bishop comes out
and Robin Hood is like “Yo I hear there’s a wedding here today.”
and the bishop is like “Yeah I’m gonna do a wedding, who are you?”
and Robin Hood is like “Oh i’m just the best guitarist in the land”
and the bishop is like “YOU’RE EDDIE VAN HALEN?
DUDE! COME IN RIGHT NOW, YOU GOTTA PLAY AT THIS WEDDING.”
and Robin Hood is like “Nuh uh uh
I don’t play at a wedding until I see and approve of the bride and groom
bring them out here right now.”
and the bishop is like “Anything you say mister Van Halen”
so he brings out the chick and the handsome knight she’s marrying
and Robin Hood takes a look at them and he’s like “Nope. Nope.
The chick is fine, but this dude? He is the wrong dude.
I brought a better dude, here he is”
and he pulls out Alan.

So obviously the bishop is upset
he’s like “Eddie Van Halen, you can’t just bring your own groom to a wedding
that’s not how weddings work”
and Robin Hood is like “I’M EDDIE FUCKING VAN HALEN
I WROTE HOT FOR TEACHER
I SMASHED A GUITAR
I CAN MARRY WHOEVER I WANT TO WHOEVER I WANT.
Also I’m actually Robin Hood and I command a small army of thugs
here they are!”
and then all of Robin Hood’s boys show up and the bishop is like “oh my”

So now that Robin Hood has the situation thoroughly in hand
he goes over to the bishop and is like “Your clothes
give them to me”
and the bishop does what he’s told
and then Robin Hood throws the cassock over Little John’s head
and he’s like “Alright Little John
you’re wearing the cassock
you’re the bishop now, you can do the wedding
that is definitely how that works”
and then they go inside the church
and Little John runs Alan and his disturbingly silent wife through the ceremony
he does it seven times just to make sure it sticks
and also because he is not a minister and has no right officiating a wedding.
Then the ceremony is over
and Robin Hood shreds a wicked guitar solo and drowns in sex.

The moral of the story
is if you can’t be
with the one you love
hire a bunch of criminals to strong arm her into marrying you anyway.

The end.

Robin Hood and Friar Tuck are Two Violent Morons

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Okay so Robin Hood again:
Dude is hanging out with his boys in the woods
shooting arrows at shit because that’s all they ever do
and they manage to kill a bunch of animals really fast at great distances
it would be better if they had guns but I guess they like a challenge
anyway Robin Hood is SUPER STOKED about these dead animals
because he loves yeomanry/fucking hates animals
and he starts being like “Man, Little John
you are the best at arrows
I bet I could ride a hundred miles and never find somebody who’s better at arrows.”
But then Will Scarlet
who is sort of the third wheel in the bromance between Robin Hood and Little John
is like “uhh actually …”
And Robin Hood is like “WHAT?
WHAT ACTUALLY?”
And Will is like “There’s this monk over by the river who is –“
“WHO IS WHAT, SHITSMITH? WHAT IS HE?”
“He’s … better at arrows.”
And Robin Hood is like “OH IS HE?
WELL IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE’S ABOUT TO GET …
SHOT DOWN.”
And then he puts on some sunglasses and rides his motorcycle over to Fountains Dale
which is where this Friar is supposed to be.

So he gets to this river
And there’s a friar there.
Seems to be the friar he’s looking for
because he’s got hella armor on and he’s carrying weapons
so Robin Hood does the only sensible thing:
He runs up to the friar and says “CARRY ME ACROSS THE RIVER”
So the friar does the only sensible thing:
He picks up Robin Hood and carries him across the river.
SILENTLY.
Then, when they get to the other side of the river
he turns to Robin Hood and he says
“Carry me across the river.”
So Robin Hood does the only OKAY NO.
NONE OF THIS IS SENSIBLE.
TWO DUDES IN ARMOR ARE TAKING TURNS PLAYING HORSEY IN A RIVER
LIKE A SHITTY MEDIEVAL OREGON TRAIL
THIS IS LIKE IF I SHOWED UP TO A JOB INTERVIEW
AND I WAS LIKE “HEY
INTERVIEWER:
CARRY ME ACROSS A RIVER.”
AND THEN HE DID IT.
BECAUSE GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
As soon as Robin Hood gets the friar across the river
he turns around and he’s like “CARRY ME AGAIN”
and the friar is like “Sure I’ve got nothing going on today”
so he starts carrying Robin back
But then he gets to the middle of the river and he’s like “PSYCHE”
And he tosses Robin into the river
and Robin is like “You FUCK I am going to KILL YOU”
(PS: Why does Robin Hood only seem to make friends by fighting them in rivers?)

So Robin starts shooting arrows at the friar
and the friar keeps deflecting them with his shield until Robin runs out
then they beat each other with swords until Robin gets tired
And Robin is like “Okay dude time out
Can you do me a favor?”
And the friar is like “Well I carried you across a river on my back so why not”
And Robin is like “Great. Let me pull out this horn and blow on it 3 times”
And the friar is like “Sounds non-suspicious to me!”
so Robin Hood blows on the horn
which obviously summons his whole gang
and the friar is like “Oh shit time out
Can you do me a favor?”
And Robin Hood is like “I’d be a dick if I said no”
And the friar is like “Great. Let me whistle three times
you know the whistle where you put your fingers in your mouth?
That’s the one I’m gonna do.”
And Robin Hood is like “Wow, you can do that?
I tried for like an hour and I couldn’t get it.
That’s why I have to carry this big shitty horn with me all the time.
Anyway yeah, that sounds fine.”
So the friar whistles three times
and all of a sudden A SWARM OF DOGS APPEARS
ONE DOG FOR EVERY DUDE IN ROBIN’S BAND
BARKING AND BITING AND CATCHING ARROWS IN THEIR FUCKING TEETH
and the friar is like “HAHA FUCK YOU I’M A DOG LORD”
and Robin Hood is like “OH NO A DOG LORD”
but Little John is like “WHHHHHHAT?”
and Robin Hood is like “Hey dude do you see all those dogs?”
and Little John is like “YEEEEEAH”
and Robin Hood is like “Kill them for me?”
and Little John is like “OKAY”
and he shoots like twenty of them
because he IS pretty good at arrows
And the friar is like “Whoa dude stop shooting my dogs”
And Robin Hood is like “Only if you join our medieval crime syndicate.”
And the friar is like “will there be violence?”
And Robin Hood is like “Excessive amounts.”
So the friar is like “Okay sweet.”
And from then on, he is known as …
FRIAR TUCK.

So the moral of the story
is never bring a dog to a bowfight.

The end.

Everybody Trusts Robin Hood for Some Reason

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It’s been a long time since I talked about everybody’s favorite green forest burglar
I think the last story I told about him was pretty violent
like unnecessarily so
and the one before that was 80% sex and disguises
but Robin Hood is supposed to be about tricking dudes and stealing shit
he was played by a fox in the Disney movie for christ’s sake
like they brought in an actual live fox to model for that character
they lost three animators trying to put it in a green tunic
it was an incredible waste of money and life.
Anyway here’s a story where Robin does something clever for once.

So Robin Hood and Little John are walking through the forest
(and now you have that song stuck in your head)
when they see this potter driving a cart down the road.
Now, I went and looked up what a potter is, just to make sure
because sometimes ye olde jobbe tittles don’t mean what they seem to mean
like a cooper makes barrels and a cockswain is not a gay porn director
but it turns out a potter is exactly what it sounds like:
a dude who makes pots and then sells the pots.
The reason I bothered to look this up
is that I can think of no reason why a dude who makes pots all day
would be better at fighting than two dudes who FIGHT AND ROB PEOPLE ALL DAY
but this is the world these people live in I guess
because Little John sees the potter and he’s like “OH FUCK
ROBIN
THIS IS THAT POTTER I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT”
and Robin is like “Chill out baby
you mean the Potter you tried to rob
but instead of getting robbed by you he broke three of your ribs?”
and little john is like “Yeah dude, he really fucked me up
just like he’ll fuck you up if you try to rob him”
and Robin’s like “Oh yeah?
I bet you 40 bucks I can get him to give me his money”
and Little John is like “Ok dude but when I win
I am not going to use any of that money to pay your medical bills”

so Robin hood jumps out of the forest in front of the potter like “sup”
and the potter’s like “nm, you?”
and Robin is like “Oh you know, just running this invisible toll booth here
right in the middle of the forest.
Give me 40 bucks and you can pass by.”
Guys, this is how Robin Hood makes his money:
by extorting working class travelers in “his” forest.
If anybody did this today we would be fucking horrified
but somehow this guy gets to skate by because occasionally he robs bad guys.
Obviously the potter refuses
because nothing about Robin Hood says “licensed toll collector”
so Robin Hood is like “awesome” and pulls out his sword
and the potter pulls out a big stick and fucks him with it.

So Robin Hood is lying on the ground bleeding from everywhere
and Little John runs up like “haha pay up cripple”
so Robin Hood pays him
and then the potter is like “dude
that was a real dick move, trying to rob me like that”
and Robin Hood is like “Your violence has convinced me that you are right
let’s be bros
let’s wear each other’s clothes”
and the potter is like “…what?”
and Robin Hood is like “Dude I’m serious
switch clothes with me
I’ll go to Nottingham and pretend to be you
we’re bros now this is what bros do.”
and the shrewd potter is like “Alright
but only if …
you take all my merchandise too
and sell it in town on my behalf”

so that’s what happens.
Robin Hood puts on the potter’s clothes and goes to town
with all the potter’s pots
and he rolls right up to the Sheriff of Nottingham’s house
(played by a fat wolf in the Disney version)
and sets up his stand.
It turns out, to no one’s surprise, that Robin Hood doesn’t know shit about pots
he is selling them for so cheap that everyone thinks he is an idiot
but as my grandpappy used to say:
idiot pots work just as well as non-idiot pots
(my grandpappy had a lot of really specific ceramics-related sayings)
so everybody buys all of the dumb idiot’s stupid pots
ALL BUT FIVE, THAT IS.
Robin Hood has been saving his last five pots
so he can give them away for free
to the wife of his mortal enemy
THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM.

So Robin gets invited to dinner because of his gifts
and because Robin is not dressed like a jolly green asshole
the Sheriff does not recognize him at all
and is instead very thankful for the nice pots.
Meanwhile two of the sheriff’s guys start arguing about who can shoot better
and they start betting each other money
so Robin Hood is like “move over shitbirds” and takes them to arrow school
and the Sheriff is like “HOLY SHIT THAT BOY CAN BOW”
and Robin Hood is like “yeah dude I shoot bows with robin hood all the time
I can take you to meet him if you want”
and the Sheriff is like “I WILL ACCEPT THIS UNCRITICALLY”

Now I’m sure you can guess how this is going to go at this point:
Robin Hood leads the Sheriff to the potter dressed in his clothes
the Sheriff arrests the potter and Robin Hood flips everybody off with both hands
EXCEPT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GUESSED WRONG.
Robin Hood just leads the Sheriff into the forest
has his dudes ambush him
and then takes all his loot and sends him home on a shitty horse
then he gives like half the money he made on heavily discounted pots to the potter
which means the potter basically got paid minimum wage to get drunk with criminals all day
so everybody goes home happy
except the Sheriff of Nottingham
but at least he gets to go home.

So the moral of the story
is if you’re getting mugged
just start taking off all your clothes and offering them to your mugger
it will turn out super well
history has shown this.

The end.

Chauntecleer is Really Well Read For a Rooster

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So my dad
who is a professional story guy
is doing a send-up of the Canterbury Tales over at the Getty Museum in LA
if you live there you should go to it
but if you don’t
DON’T EVEN WORRY
I GOT THIS SHIT COVERED:

so it’s been a while since i talked about the Canterbury Tales
when we last left off
I think some farm guy got drunk
and told a story about people putting their tongues in each other’s buttholes
after that, some people got really offended
and their response was to tell some MORE stories
about even MORE tongues in even DIRTIER buttholes
until finally, the innkeeper
who, if you recall, is the dude who got everybody started telling stories to begin with
is like whoah whoah guys come on
we need to class up this pilgrimage a little
cause uh
christianity?
so lemme bring our next teller up to the mic
his name is daun Piers, and he is a MONK
not only that, he’s got MUSCLES
are you guys ready for this pilgrimage to get classy as fuck?
man I’m fuckin ready as shit
let’s do this

but PLOT TWIST
it turns out that “classy” is just another word for “boring”
(i thought we all knew this)
so the monk just drones on for like a billion millenia
about sadness and clouds and bad fortune and whatever
until everybody is like whoah dude
we wanted you to tone it down a little
but not to sub-audible levels
i mean if it weren’t for the dappled sunlight straight strobing off your oiled muscles
we would have fallen asleep HOURS ago
tell us a different story
something funny
maybe with some tongues and buttholes in it

and the monk is like
NO
ONLY SADNESS

so everybody is like ok then
new teller
SIR JOHN THE PRIEST
READY SET GO

so John may be a priest
but he knows how to read a crowd
he does not even try for that melancholy shit
he goes straight for a story he knows everyone will love
one with violence, treachery, and a huge cock

the cock’s name is Chauntecleer
he lives in a harem of seven hens
who are also, according to John, his sisters?
I mean okay, I guess this is mythology, so whatever
but they all straight up LOOK LIKE HIM
he’s boning his TWINS, pretty much
which is, you know, kind of my fantasy
but as I learned long ago
that does not make it healthy or okay

but leaving aside the rooster’s incestuous tendencies
he’s got one hen who he loves the most
her name is Pertelote
because this is Olde England
and they didn’t have TV so they had to give fucked up names to their animals
and Pertelote loves Chauntecleer the best as well
because it’s not like she has choices

so the two of them are sitting next to each other in the roost one night
when Chauntecleer wakes up like HOLY MOTHER OF GOD
I JUST HAD THE MOST HORRIBLE DREAM
A FOX ATE ME
and Pertelote is like aw hell no
If I wanted to sleep next to a pussy, there are six other perfectly good ones in here
I do not need you to be developing your own proprietary form of vagina up in here
here is a science fact:
dreams are bullshit
now take a chill pill
(and by chill pill she means laxative
seriously, that’s part of the OG text
I have no idea why
I guess people used to have to shit out their bad dreams in the olden days)
and get the fuck back to sleep

but Chauntecleer is not gonna take that kind of guff
guff is not a commodity valued by roosters
so he’s like BITCH
DREAMS ARE NOT BULLSHIT
Like, I read a book once
where this guy had a dream that his friend was gonna die
and then in the morning his friend was DEAD
and buried in POOP
(well played, Sir John
way to work poop into your story all sly
you truly are a man of god)
Then Chauntecleer cites like ten more stories
from the bible and the metamorphoses and whatever else he can think of
all of which have the same basic moral:
DREAMS ARE TERRIFYING AND YOU WILL DIE

and Pertelote is like
aw HELL no
you’re a ROOSTER, dude
what the fuck are you doing reading BOOKS?
are you telling me I’ve been hooking up with a pussy
who is ALSO A NERD??
UNACCEPTABLE
and Chauntecleer is like no wait baby it was all a joke haha
i am not afraid even a little bit at all
let us go into the yard and eat corn and frolic fearlessly
and Pertelote is like that’s more like it
come over here and put your tongue in my butthole

so they get it on
HARD
they actually have sex twenty times before sunrise
and by the time they’re done ruffling each other’s feathers
Chauntecleer has completely forgotten about his bad dream
because let’s be honest
if somebody was down to let me do them twenty times before the sun came up
I would probably lose my fear of death too

so he’s wandering around
in the stupid way roosters do
(god I hate roosters
did you know I used to have a rooster
one day I put some food in my hand and held it out to him
and he BIT MY FUCKING HAND
HE LITERALLY BIT THE HAND THAT FEEDS HIM
so i killed him and made him into tacos)
and there’s a fox hiding in the bushes nearby
and Chauntecleer spots him and is like OH SHIT
but the fox is like dude chill out
I too am a talking animal, and so you have nothing to fear
I’m just here because I wanna hear you sing, buddy
yeah see, I’m a friend of your dad’s
(^^A THING THAT CHILD MOLESTERS SAY^^)
and your dad used to come over all the time and sing for me
and it was so pants-shittingly beautiful
that I decided to track you down and hide near your house
in the hope that you would discover me and then i could ask you to sing
make sense?
and Chauntecleer is like OF COURSE IT MAKES SENSE
EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE WHEN IT TAKES THE FORM OF A COMPLIMENT DIRECTED AT ME
AHEM:
IS THIS THE REEEEEAL LIIIIIIFE
IS THIS JUST FAAAANTASY
CAUGHT IN A *gak* oh god

that last part is not a clever addition to Queen’s classic rock anthem
it is a thing Chauntecleer says because the fox has his mouth on Chauntecleer’s throat
and all the hens are going bonkers about it
and the lady whose farm it is comes outside
with all her weapons and shit
and the fox is like oh shit gotta go
and Chauntecleer
(who remember, is actually pretty well educated)
takes the opportunity to enact a brilliant scheme
he’s like What’s the matter, fox?
are you afraid of some hens and a lady farmer?
What are you, chicken?
Man, if I were you, you know what I’d do?
I’d turn around and I’d look them in their stupid female eyes and be like
“MY NAME IS FOX AND I DON’T GIVE NO FUX”
and the fox is like OH MY GOD THAT’S A BRILLIANT IDEA
but he has to open his mouth to say those things
so Chauntecleer escapes and flies up a tree

so now it’s the fox’s turn to be clever again
he looks up at Chauntecleer and he’s like aww dude
I understand why you might have freaked out just now
but i was only carrying you by the neck with my teeth
in order to bring you to my HOUSE so we could HANG OUT
and Chauntecleer is like dude
fool me once
shame on you
fool me twice
still shame on you
you’re an asshole
I don’t want to hang out with you
Then he goes home and bangs all the hens a hundred more times

So the moral of the story
is that it would be awesome if roosters could talk
then you could explain things to them
like morality and common sense
and how you shouldn’t fucking BITE SOMEONE’S HAND IF THEY’RE TRYING TO GIVE YOU FOOD
I mean WHAT THE HELL, RIGHT?
THAT’S LIKE THE CLASSIC EXAMPLE OF A THING YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO
AND IF MY ROOSTER HAD BEEN EVEN HALF AS LITERATE AS THIS MOTHERFUCKER
HE MIGHT HAVE KNOWN THAT SHIT

also rooster meat tastes like boiled ass.

the end.

Man I Thought Reynard and Isengrin Were Just Characters From Gunnerkrigg Court

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quick one today
cause i’m about to spend all night writing a play:

so there’s this fox named Reynard
you can already tell he’s trouble
because he has a person name
ain’t no good ever comes of giving people names to animals
don’t believe me?
just watch

Reynard is thirsty
cause it’s thirsty work being an asshole all the time
and he runs across a well
but OH NO
THERE’S NO WATER IN THE BUCKET
jesus, calm down guys
let me explain to you how wells work
wells have two buckets, wound around a pulley
when you lower one bucket into the water
the other bucket comes up, full of water
then
you drink the water

now let me explain to you how Reynard uses the well
step one is he jumps into the empty bucket
step two is he falls down into the well
step three is he drinks all the water his stupid face and contain
and step four is ….
well, shit

so Reynard is stuck in the well because he’s a moron
but all is not lost
because what Reynard realizes
is that if someone gets into the other bucket
that bucket will fall down, while his bucket will go up
or, you know, he could just ask someone to hoist up his bucket
but everyone hates him because he’s an asshole
so that plan is right out

as luck would have it, this is when Isengrin the wolf comes strutting by
and Reynard is like SWEET
i’ve fucked this dude over MANY A TIME
one more should be no problem
HEY ISENGRIN
YO
ISENGRIN
IT’S YOUR BUDDY REYNARD
I’M DOWN IN THIS WELL
EATING A DELICIOUS CHEESE
COME JOIN ME
and Isengrin looks down in the well
and he sees the reflection of the moon in the water of the well
and thinks it is an enormous cheese

see, this is the problem when you give animals people names and teach them to talk
they’re still dumb animals

so Isengrin is like CHEESE?!
I FUCKING LOVE CHEESE
and he jumps in the bucket and falls in the well
and Reynard gets hoisted out of the well like HAHA ENJOY YOUR CHEESE BITCH
and then in the morning a bunch of farmers come along and stone Isengrin to death
HAHA REAL FUNNY RIGHT

so I guess the moral of the story
is you should always look before you leap
unless you don’t care about murdering your friends
then you can pretty much leap into whatever

the end

Lady Isabels and the Elf Knights

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Today’s myth was brought to my attention
By burlesque rapper MC Double-Ds
she actually wanted me to tell you this story
but apparently Wiki Translate is staffed by the same people who made this
so I am going to do the next best thing
and tell you about some chick named isabel and her penchant for bad dudes

so this Isabel broad right
she’s sitting up in a tower
because that is one of the two accepted pastimes for women in the middle ages
(the other one of course being getting beheaded)
and meanwhile there’s this elf knight sitting outside soloing on his horn
and Isabel is like dayum
that dude can sure swoggle that horn
i wonder what else he can swoggle
i wish he were up here in my room
so I could find out right now with my vagina

and it looks like someone forgot to tell this chick she was in a legend
cause she is totally shocked to find that her wish has just come true
here is this strapping elf dude all up in her room
like damn girl
can’t a dude lay down some beats around here without some chick wishing he was up in her room
seriously
these are hide times for an up-and-coming musician like myself
oh well
as long as I’m here we might as well elope
you down?
And Isabel is like well I dunno
i don’t feel like I’ve been really sufficiently wooed yet
and the elf is like BITCH I’MA WOO YOU

and true to form, he woos her HARD
according to one text, in addition to wooing her “in the ha”
he also “wood her butt”
which is just
great
i mean
I can’t improve on that
so obviously this elf knight is quite the zesty lover
and Isabel finds herself sufficiently wood
or wooed or whatever
and she steals a bunch of her dad’s money and runs away with this guy

so okay
so far this sounds like some pretty solid fanfic
hot elfin buttsex in a tower
followed by a romantic getaway on horses
you can practically hear the bodices gettin’ ripped
but hold on
what’s going on
it looks like they’re stopping at a lake
and the elf knight is asking isabel to get naked
okay, okay, good start
he’s asking her to get naked
SO HE CAN DROWN HER IN THE LAKE?
BECAUSE HE HAS ALREADY DONE THIS TO SEVEN OTHER WOMEN??
HOLY SHIT WHY DID THIS STORY GO FROM BLUEBALLS TO BLUEBEARD ALL OF A SUDDEN?

yeah
apparently this jackass is in the habit of making chicks take off their nice clothes
before he drowns them
because the clothes are too nice to be ruined by all that water
what does he do with the clothes, you ask?
does he sell them?
does he wear them?
probably both
he seems like a pretty strange dude

anyway there’s a big hole in this plan
and i’m not talking about any of the holes he already wooed
the hole is this:
you abduct a super hot chick
then you take her to a lake and make her get naked
and then you are expecting HER to do what YOU say?
no no no
see Isabel is smart
she is like Hey elf guy
now that I’m all naked and stuff
it would be a shame not to make use of all these ladybits i’ve got hanging out
DON’T YOU AGREE?
And oh boy does he agree
he agrees so hard he tires himself out pretty good
and then he settles down for a nap
and then she drowns him
because duh

but that is not the end
because see there’s like fifteen million versions of this story
with one important difference between them
remember how I said Ol’ Elfdick had drowned seven dames before this one?
well in some versions he’s only drowned six
and in some he’s drowned eight
you know what I think?
I think we’ve got a dread pirate roberts situation on our hands
where the lady who kills the old elf knight
tapes down her boobs and straps on a wood dong
and starts the whole cycle over again
this would explain why in some versions of the story
the lady is able to distract the knight by telling him he shouldn’t be seeing her naked
and then she drowns him when he’s looking the other way
and then she goes home to her family and bribes her parrot to keep quiet about the whole thing
and then tells her parents anyway
and they go bury the knight in the sand so that no one will ever know
actually wait
that doesn’t explain that at all
nothing explains that

so I guess the moral of the story
is that you can lead a ho to water
but you can’t make her sink

THE END.

Alexander The Great is a Torrent of Testosterone

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Hello jerks
did you know that today
is somebody’s BIRTHDAY?
well yes you could probably have guessed that
babies are just popping off ALL THE TIME around here
but what is different about the particular baby I am referring to
is that this one has a fabulously wealthy husband
who has paid me top dollar to serenade his (not actually a baby) wife
with a bawdy yarn about history’s agreed-upon king of everything
that’s right
I’m talking about the man himself
the Ragin’ Eurasian Invasion
ALEXANDER “The Great” THEGREAT
(also this birthday girl’s day job
is to spend her days looking at crude illustration of monkey anuses for Britain
so i think my pity/awe would have motivated me to do this anyway
whether or not I was paid
haha dude i already have your money)

So Alexander the Great
holy
fucking
shit
This guy’s ass is so bad
chairs refuse to let him sit on them
for fear they might burst into flames
his ass is so bad
the only kind of pants he can wear
are those baby pants with the trapdoor for your poop
and the trapdoor always has to be open
his ass is so bad
he is constantly asking people if they want to swap asses
because honestly all of that stuff i mentioned is supremely inconvenient
luckily he is king of basically anything
which means he can have whatever ass he wants
(more on this later)

we’ll begin our tale with the day Alexander wakes up and is like hey
I just took over greece and most of europe or whatever
but you know what would really hit the spot right now?
A LAND WAR IN ASIA
GO GO GO GO
so he sprints into Asia
literally chucking spears at ground just to have stuff to chuck spears at
and basically the first thing that happens
is he gets ambushed by this Persian king named Darius
(let me explain this whole thing with Darius
in case you are not too hot on your ancient history
you remember 300?
well those spartan dudes were great and all
but they eventually lost because come on
and Persia eventually steamrolled Greece
despite everyone’s best efforts
and then Darius
but then Alexander!
but then still Darius
kind of)

anyway Darius tries to kill Alexander
by doing stupid things like attacking with swords and outnumbering him eight to one
and Alex just swats the persian army aside with his enormous dong
bangs Darius’s wife
then bangs Darius’s MOM
(okay that last one is conjecture
but he does take her captive
and then when she has a chance to go back to the persians
she’s just like nah
so my informed historical hypothesis
is that dick was gettin laid DOWN
maybe hot incestuous THREE-WAY dick
which we all know is the best kind)

but pretty soon alexander runs into trouble
the trouble is that he wants to take over this island called Tyre
and none of his dudes are mermaids or boats or zepplins
so he’s sort of stuck
or at least that’s what the citizens of Tyre think
what ALEXANDER thinks, on the other hand
is something like “MURDER MURDER MURDER BALLS BALLS KILL”

so after a less-than-satisfying negotiation with the people of Tyre
Alexander stomps back to his army
grabs a handful of dirt
drops it in the bay
and is like START BUILDING, ASSHOLES
so they do
they drop sand into that bay for SEVEN MONTHS
building a land bridge that ACTUALLY STILL EXISTS
and the whole time the Tyrians are throwing boiling sand at them
and making mean faces and talking shit
and finally Alexander is like fuck it
let’s just build some boats
prolly should’ve done this to begin with
and then he and his 40,000 men take over Tyre and kill ABSOLUTELY EVERYBODY
because like
that’s seven months none of those dudes are ever gonna get back
not like they could’ve just walked on by and conquered something else
no, see that would have made SENSE
real men do not make sense
they make THREATS
and then they DELIVER ON THOSE THREATS

then he takes over the cliff fortress of Oxyartes
with an elite force of 300 pissed off mountain climbers
and defeats King Porus’s army by fake attacking him every night for a SOLID MONTH
like a massive high-stakes game of i’m-not-touching you
before finally running over and murdering everyone when they get too bored
and I guess on top of being a military badass
alexander is also a pretty nice dude
because he becomes best bros with pretty much all the kings he conquers
except the king of Tyre because that dude is SUPER DEAD

but let’s get back to what really matters:
asses
specifically three hundred of the choicest asses in the known world
these asses belong to a cadre of babealicious amazons
(when will spell check finally recognize babealicious as a valid word)
and this cadre is lead by that most licious of babes
THALESTRIS
THE (totally fictional) QUEEN OF THE AMAZONS
what is this foxy battalion of confirmed lesbians doing in Alexander’s war camp?
obviously not fighting
that is not what women are for in these types of tales
these ladies are here
for SEXING
because see, not many people know this
but Alexander the Great and his contemporaries
lived in a time before test-tube babies
if you wanted fire screaming meat-pucks out your honeypot
it didn’t matter how much of a stone-cold lesbian you were
you had to do sex with a dude
and if you’re gonna break your vag streak for any dude
it might as well be the acknowledged king of everything, right?

so alexander and Thalestris bone
for THIRTEEN DAYS
they say she was not super impressed by his physique
but she was at least THIRTEEN DAYS worth of impressed
so I’d say that’s a win for everybody
and finally
after what must have been a fantastically exhausting two weeks
Thalestris finally announces that she’s preggo
which is good
because if you can’t get preggo after banging Alexander the great for thirteen days
you are probably a witch
(or a dude
but I think Alexander would have maybe noticed that)

Anyway
Alexander continues to romp and stomp for many years
before finally getting bored/shot with arrows/riddled with malaria
and heading home
where he proceeds to die from partying way too hard
all of which just goes to show
that if you live a life based solely on booze, boning, and wanton murder
you may live an incredibly sweet life
but when it finally comes time for you to die
it is still going to be incredibly sweet

happy birthday, miss biggs
and may your husband make sweet love to you for at LEAST thirteen straight days

THE END