Changes

Hey guys, a bunch of arcane shit happened on my server over the holidays and I just got done putting out all the fires. Sorry I missed an update on Saturday. I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.

Except no, fuck that. I’m not sorry. I’m not your dancing monkey. I started this website three years ago because I knew a lot of myths I was really excited about, and I wanted to yell them into the internet. It was fun. It was a fun, dumb thing I was doing on a free blogger site. People started paying attention, including some very influential people, and suddenly I was earning ad revenue and selling t-shirts and owning my own server space. I developed a “web presence.” I even got a book deal through this site, and that has been a phenomenal opportunity. I had a really great time writing that book, and I’ve been humbled and elated by the response to it, especially recently.

The problem, though, is this fucking update schedule. The whole time I’ve been writing this blog, I’ve been reading other people’s blogs and webcomics. I’ve watched creator after talented creator stop making art and start making product, because that’s what the internet demands. I’m not writing anymore, I’m “creating content.” I can’t think of a more efficient way to kill passion.

Many of you have probably noticed that I’ve been kinda reaching recently. Every week, when Saturday looms up, I no longer think “hey, I get to come up with a myth!” I think, “Aww fuck. I’ve gotta read another fucking myth.” That’s shitty. Nobody wins in that situation. I feel like a hack, and you guys get to read hack writing. So I’m making a change.

See, I noticed something when I wrote about my experience at the shop-along. People were excited. It started a discussion. And it was fun to write. Really fun. So fun, in fact, that I want to do more of that stuff.

This site will still update on Saturdays, but it won’t be myths for a while. Instead, I’ll tell you stories from my life. I’ve had a lot of shit happen to me, (like the aforementioned shop along, as well as this and this), and I think you’ll find it amusing. Think of it as another kind of mythology. I’ll still post myths when I come across one I’m really passionate about, so please continue to send me your recommendations. One of my favorite things about having this site is that you all have taken it upon yourselves to educate me, both mythologically and critically. All I ask is that you bear with me while I try something new.

Much Love,
Ovid

Hiatusssss

Hey jerks

I am taking a break for this week
because my brother was inconsiderate enough to produce offspring
and now I have to go make friends with it
in order to do this I have to be in smogg city, California
where I do not own a computer
in fact I am typing this on a computer I found
and I have to go now because i think the owner is beginning to notice it’s missing

Love,
Ovid

The Cat

S’been a while
so i figured I’d dig out my copy of Grimm’s
and defeat any remaining hope/optimism you have left in your spirit
after this long and brutal winter

speaking of long and brutal winter
this myth takes place right before one
in Germany
which i think has pretty brutal winters
I was debating this with one of my friends yesterday
and we eventually decided
that neither of us know very much about germany
anyway the season is important
because this is the season a mouse and a cat decide to become roommates
right, yes
a mouse
and a CAT

now I will grant that there have been more unlikely fairytale living arrangements
but generally when i am apartment hunting
i like to make my decision based on three main requirements
1. Cheap rent
2. Easy access to public transit and grocery shopping
3. Relatively free of my natural predators
mouse has failed point three by a long shot
no kind of public transit is easy-access in old-times Germany
and i don’t care how cheap your rent is dude
you are LIVING WITH A THING THAT PEOPLE BUY SPECIFICALLY TO KILL YOU
but at least there’s a grocery store nearby
here’s how I know:

the first thing these two idiots decide when they move in together
is that they should get an emergency food stash
so that during the long brutal winter
the cat doesn’t uh
forget who her friends are
and the wintertime snack of choice in Germany
is a GIGANTIC TUB OF FAT
yep just fat
this explains things to me about german cuisine
so they buy this fat
but they don’t have a refrigerator
so they store it in the next best thing
a church
based on the foolproof logic that no one will ever steal anything from a church
so uh

ANYWAY
about two days pass and the cat gets hungry
and instead of eating her roomate
she does the considerate thing
and decides to sneak back to the church and chew the fat
with the priest
so she can sneak past him and chew the actual fat she has hidden in the church
[lol]
in order to do this she has to tell the mouse a brilliant lie
so she is like Mouse, hey
i gotta go to the church cuz uh
one of my sisters is having a baby and it’s getting baptized
i’m sposed to be the godmother or something
mouse sees nothing wrong with this
because he is a mouse and is lucky to even know how to talk

so the cat goes and eats the fat
and then comes home
and the mouse is like how was the baptism
and the cat is like good good
and the mouse is like what did they name the kid?
and the cat is like uh
Top-Off
yeah
Top-Off
and the mouse is like uh that’s a weird name
and the cat is like yeah well
they thought it would be really funny if she ever goes to mardi gras
or becomes a stripper
you know
stuff catholics do
and mouse is like oh ok that makes sense

so pretty soon the cat gets hungry again
and instead of BUYING GROCERIES
with the money I have NO IDEA HOW THEY GOT IN THE FIRST PLACE
she decides to steal more fat
so she’s like uh hey mouse
my slutty sister just squirted out another baby
i gotta go watch it be named
and the mouse is like yeah yeah ok
and then when the cat comes back all fat
he’s like what was THIS one named?
and she’s like uh
Half-Gone
and mouse is like what
that is not on the list of saint’s names I am pretty sure
and cat is like no no no you’re wrong
have you never heard of Saint Half-Gone, patron saint of dumb?
really mouse, I would think you’d be more familiar

so of course the cat gets hungry again
lies about another baptism
and goes to the church to finish off the fat
then she comes home and Mouse wants to know the kid’s name
and you would think she’d have put more thought into it this time
but nope
she’s just like “All Gone”
and Mouse is like that is DEFINITELY NOT A NAME
and Cat is like aren’t you forgetting about SIR THOMAS ALLGONE
INVENTOR OF THE LIGHTBULB?
and Mouse is like that’s Edison
Thomas Edison
and he hasn’t even been born yet
and Cat is like You mean he HADN’T been born yet
that’s why I had to go baptize him, DUH
and Mouse is like okay fine

so all that has happened
and it isn’t even winter yet
wait wait wait
….
okay, now it’s winter
and predictably
since neither of these animals goes to the grocery store
they run out of food pretty quick
and mouse is like okay well it’s a good thing we bought that fat
let’s go chew on it so that you don’t chew on me
and the cat is like uh
sure!
great idea!
so they go to the church
and they find the empty fat-bowl
and the mouse
(and get ready guys
this is that great part in all the grimm’s fairytales
where the evil malefactor is gruesomely punished
and the put-upon protagonist is rewarded with gold bars and blowjobs)
gets eaten by the cat.
Um.

So the original teller of this tale
at least as the brothers Grimm have recorded it
tells us that the moral of this story
is that this is just the way of the world
but I think the moral of the story is a little subtler than that
I think the moral of the story is
don’t be roommates with a storyteller
because they think this is how the world works

the end.

How To Get Your Own Christmas Carol

Today’s myth was written and sent to me over a year ago
by none other than the sexy ghost of Rapunzel
and I am posting it now because it is Christmas time
and therefore appropriate
and also since it is christmas time i am busy seeing family and getting drunk and shit
so uh
your regularly scheduled myths will return in 2013
unless i get bored of family shit and start back up sooner
but probably
2013
ANYWAY HERE’S A STORY ABOUT A RAD DUKE:

So there’s this guy Wenceslas and he’s a duke
Duke of Bohemia out in what is now Czechoslovakia
This is pretty sweet, seeing as how he is in charge of of all the 10th century artsy people
Anyhow
He and all his courtiers are all sitting around on St. Stephen’s Day
All you UK folks know what that is- us Americans call it Boxing Day for some reason
Either way, it is December 26th and since no one has any presents to return, they are all chilling and enjoying all their Christmas leftovers
It is really freaking cold, and because this is 10th c Czechoslovakia there is like 15ft of snow outside
Wenceslas looks out the window and he’s like “Hey artsy courtiers, who’s that old guy in the sackcloth with the long beard scrounging for firewood? I do not remember seeing him in the pottery shed or at any of the poetry readings.”
His page is like “Oh yeah, he’s this poor old dude who lives at the foot of the mountains near St. Agnes’ fountain– hey that rhymes!”
Wenceslas is all “Spare me your rhymes! We cannot have hermits going hungry in my duchy! Fetch a lunch box! We are taking this guy some of our sweet Christmas leftovers!”
So the page gets the Tupperware and the picnic basket and he and Wenceslas go out in the 30-below weather to bring this old dude some leftovers
Now again, this is 10th c Czechoslovakia and their Bohemia hand-woven organically dyed wool cloaks are just not cutting it
The page is like “Hey um sire? I am kinda freezing back here and the temperature is dropping and it’s so windy I think I may have left my tights standing in the snow behind me…”
Wenceslas says “Tosh! Just step where I step, keep moving! That’ll warm you up. Now hush. You’re building character.”
So the page follows in King Wenceslas’ footsteps and GUESS WHAT?!
The footprints are actually HOT.
This guy is owning so much piety and righteousness that he is BURNING HIS WAY through the 15ft snowbanks!

And that is how take-out was born.

The end.

Robin Hood Gets Beat Up A Lot

It is always a good day
when I realize I haven’t done a myth I’ve always really liked
and today is a good day.

So Robin Hood is bored.
B-O-R-E===D
and he decides that the cure for his boredom
is to go out wandering the wilderness by himself
and hopefully run into some dudes or disguised ladies to fight
but he’s not going out unprotected
FUCK no
he’s got his bow with him, first of all
and second of all he has his army of sixty-eight thieves on speed dial
in case shit gets too real

so properly prepped and looking for trouble, Robin Hood goes out wandering
and it’s all of three minutes before he runs up on some problems
because there’s this river, right
and there’s a log over the river
and Robin is in the middle of crossing it when he runs smack into this HUGE DUDE
and he’s like “Oh hey man, do you mind just backing off this log for a second so I can cross?”
and the huge dude is like AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO MIND
and Robin Hood is like WHAT A COINCIDENCE, SO DO I
TIME TO SKIP STRAIGHT TO MURDER
I HOPE YOU LIKE ARROWS IN YOUR BODY

But John Little – that’s the huge dude’s name – calls bullshit on this
he’s like BULLSHIT
IF YOU SHOOT ME DOWN WITH SISSY GIRLY-BOY ARROWS
I AM GOING TO TAKE A FAT DYING DUMP ALL OVER YOUR SPARKLING REPUTATION
SERIOUSLY WHAT KIND OF PUSSY SHOOTS A DUDE WITH A LONGBOW FROM LIKE TWO FEET AWAY
and Robin Hood is like NOBODY CALLS ME A PUSSY
LET ME JUST GET A BIG STICK REAL QUICK SO I CAN POUND YOUR ASS WITH IT
and then he goes into a nearby thicket and finds him a gnarly oak-branch to fight with
then climbs back onto the log
so these two titans of tomfoolery can settle this like men:
by waving yard-long wooden dicks at each other
YES THAT IS RIGHT MY FRIENDS
ROBIN HOOD ACTUALLY BACKS OFF THE BRIDGE
IN ORDER TO PROCURE A WEAPON
TO USE
TO PREVENT HIMSELF FROM HAVING TO BACK OFF THE BRIDGE
when you have to completely abandon your stated mission
in order to procure the massive weapons your mission requires
that’s a major red flag that you are entering bad decisions territory

but John Little doesn’t capitalize on this gaping window of opportunity
presumably because he is as excited about bludgeoning as Robin is
presumably because John Little is a seven-foot-tall human cage-match of muscles and fear
AND MUSCLES WIN EVERY TIME
so they start beating each other with sticks
and it’s not long before John straight fractures Robin Hood’s skull
sending him straight to concussion city, and also the river
at which point Robin gets up and starts laughing his ass off
because what John Little doesn’t know
is that there are sixty-eight pissed off dudes in the forest out there
just waiting to turn little John into a porcupine of murder
they’re all HEY ROBIN HOOD HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU WANT THIS GUY TO DIE?
and Robin Hood is like NO TIMES AT ALL, MY MERRY MEN
I AM ALL ABOUT DUDES WHO GIVE ME CONCUSSIONS
Yo John, I’ve got sixty-eight bros out there in the woods
and we do nothing but loot all day and party all night
and I want to ask you
bro
will you be my number sixty-nine?
and John is all SHIT YES

so everybody goes back to Robin’s place and parties so hard they forget their childhoods
and they get so drunk they forget what order John Little’s name goes in
and from that day forward everyone calls him Little John
and he is an unstoppable force of injustice in Nottinghamshire

so the moral of the story
is you should pick your friends based on who can beat you up the most
because at least then those guys are your friends

THE END.