Sing a Song of Suxpence

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basically fuck medieval europe

you guys know this nursery rhyme right?
it’s like “sing a song for basically free
like I will give you six pennies and some bread to sing it
a pocket full of bread actually
which is a horrible amount of bread
because have you ever tried to store bread in your pocket
it doesn’t fucking work
might as well be “a pocket full of bird treats”
which is appropriate because this song is about 24 birds in a pie”
THIS IS WHERE I AM GOING TO STOP THE RE-TELLING FOR A SECOND

let me ask you dear reader
what do you think the line “four and twenty blackbirds
baked in a pie”
ACTUALLY MEANS?
are they the 24 letters used to print the English bible?
are they the 24 hours in a day?
NO ASSHOLE
THEY ARE ACTUAL FUCKING BLACKBIRDS
people in medieval europe
straight up used to bake pie shells
and then stuff live birds into the pie shells
so that when you cut the pie open BIRDS FLY OUT
ONE TIME
INSTEAD OF BIRDS
IT WAS A DWARF
FUCK
THIS
ENTIRELY
PIE IS OBJECTIVELY ONE OF THE BEST THINGS THERE IS
AND YET SOMEWHERE IN THE CLOGGED OUTHOUSE OF HISTORY
SOME PSYCHOPATH DECIDED TO TURN PIE INTO A DELIVERY MECHANISM
FOR BIRD-BASED TERROR ATTACKS
LITERALLY THE ONLY GOOD ASPECT OF THIS I CAN THINK OF
IS YOU MIGHT DECAPITATE A BIRD WHILE CUTTING OPEN THE PIE
BUT THERE’S NO WAY YOU’RE GONNA DECAPITATE ALL OF THEM
EXCUSE ME WHILE I STAB EVERY PIE FIFTY TIMES BEFORE I EAT IT NOW

anyway the story unfolds predictably from there
they try to serve the pie to the king
but the king is scrooge mcduck apparently
(which makes it even weirder that they’re serving him live birds)
and he’s in his vault swimming in gold coins
his wife is somewhere else eating an actual meal
but someone still cuts open the pie because they’re an asshole
and the birds fly out
and one of the birds goes into the garden
AND RIPS OFF THE MAID’S NOSE
doesn’t even eat it
just rips it off and leaves it there
so they call the king’s doctor
and he’s pretty chill about it
almost as if he knew something like this was bound to happen.
he sews the nose back on flawlessly
and nobody can tell it was ever ripped off by a frenzied bird

the moral of the story
is if you’re working for a king
make sure he provides comprehensive health insurance

the end

Doing a Trick With Eyeballs

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I couldn’t come up with a clever title for this story
(which was told in its original form by a Northern Cheyenne woman named Rachel Strange Owl)
because the original title is
“Doing a Trick with Eyeballs”
and just like that Apache story about a house full of vaginas
there’s not a lot I’m going to need to do to this one.

Okay so there’s this prick named Veeho
who is the quintessential try-hard piece of shit
like, if you’ve ever gotten picked up by a ride-sharing service
and your driver was trying way too hard to be your friend
laughing really loud at his own bad jokes
and being just a little racist
and you couldn’t wait to arrive at your destination
so you could stop smiling and nodding
and give him a four-star review and a passive-agressive comment
because maybe he means well and he’s trying so hard and this is his job
but also he’s incredibly slimy
well
that driver was Veeho.

So Veeho comes into an Indian village
desperately looking for a way to impress everyone
and he runs into this medicine man
and Veeho is like “HEY DUDE LOOK WHAT I CAN DO
YOU’VE GOT PRETTY DIRTY EARS
WHAT’S THAT YOU’VE GOT BACK THERE?
OH MY GOD IT’S A QUARTER HOLY SHIT”
and the medicine man is like “Bitch please
check this shit out:
YO EYEBALLS”
and his eyeballs are like “YEAH?”
and he’s like “GO HANG OUT IN THAT TREE OK?”
and his eyeballs are like “SURE”
and they fly out of his head and go hang out in a tree
it is fucking INSANE
and it looks PAINFUL
and then the medicine man is like “Ok eyeballs
I think we’ve made our point
come back into my eyesockets now”
and the eyeballs come back and burrow into his face
and Veeho is like “Oh
my
god
you have to show me how to do that”

Now when I first read this story
I’ll tell you what I thought was gonna happen
I thought the medicine man was just gonna say no
and Veeho was gonna punch him or something
and then problems
but the medicine man is just like “sure okay
i don’t need to have a monopoly on stupid eyeball tricks
boom
you can shoot out your eyeballs now
BUT
you can only do it 4 times per day
if you do it any more times
your eyeballs will get a taste for freedom
and they won’t come back.”

So Veeho is like “Shit yeah, i’m a freak now”
and he runs outside and he sees a fence
and he’s like “Eyeballs, jump over that fence”
and his eyeballs are like “Okay”
and Veeho is like “HAHA FUCK YOU FENCE”
and he summons his eyeballs back
and then he chucks them into a tree
and over a river
and onto a yak or whatever
the point is
he has very clearly exhausted his four uses for the day
and finally he gets to town
and he’s like “HEY GUYS I’M A WIZARD NOW
I CAN SHOOT OUT MY FUCKING EYEBALLS”
and everyone is like “bullshit, prove it”
and Veeho is like “Hmm
how many times have I shot out my eyeballs today?
four?
Nah, the first one was just practice
it can’t possibly count”
so he’s like “YO EYEBALLS, FLY INTO THAT TREE OVER THERE”
and his eyeballs are like “SURE WE LOVE TREES”
and everyone is like “WHOA THAT IS SO FUCKED UP
YOU SHOULD BE THE FRONT MAN FOR A METAL BAND”
but then Veeho is like “Okay eyeballs you can come back now”
but obviously they don’t
I mean come on
no eyeball wants to live inside a head that dumb
and then a bird comes and eats the eyeballs
which i guess the eyeballs find preferable to going back to Veeho
and everyone laughs at him and goes home.

so now he’s blind
and he’s wandering around bumping into shit
and he runs into a mouse
and he’s like “PLEASE MOUSE GIVE ME AN EYEBALL”
and the mouse is like “Yo dude my eyes are tiny, no way”
and Veeho is like “PLEASE”
and the mouse is like “Okay fine you can have one of my eye
I will straight up become a cyclops to shut you up.”
But the mouse is right
the eye is way too small
he can barely see a tiny point of light
but it’s better than nothing
so he keeps wandering around until he finds a buffalo
and he’s like “PLEASE BUFFALO GIVE ME AN EYEBALL”
and the buffalo is like “dude my eyes are like the size of your head”
but Veeho is like “PLEASE”
and the buffalo is like “FINE
I will actually disfigure myself just to make you go away”
so Veeho takes one of the buffalo’s eyes and stuffs it in his socket
but it’s way too big
and it makes everything look big
and that combined with the mouse eye gives him a WICKED headache
but at least he can see
so he staggers home
to his wife(?????)
and his wife looks at his ruined face
and is like “Hey maybe you should stop trying to impress everyone”
and Veeho is like “You know maybe you’re right”
and the story doesn’t explicitly say that Veeho’s wife leaves him
but I believe in happy endings.

So the moral of the story
obviously
is before you make any kind of magical pact
make sure you know how to count to at least 4
preferably higher.

The end.

Thor Has Anger Management Issues But We Knew This

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At the behest of Patreon
today I will be filling in some holes in the story of Baldur’s death
as originally told by cowardly murder victim Snorri Sturluson
(hehe holes)
(I’m sorry)
(I didn’t want to turn this opening paragraph into sexual innuendo)
(do you ever feel like you’re trapped in your life?)
(like every successive boner joke sucks out a little more of your life force?)
(hehe, suck)

Right so Baldur is dead
we covered this years ago
but what we didn’t talk about
was his FUNERAL
WOOO FUNNNNNN

okay I was being sarcastic when i said woo fun
but actually the funeral is pretty dope
I mean you guys know what a viking funeral is right?
it’s when you put a dead body in a boat
and then set the boat on fire
aka THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE WAY TO BE CREMATED

obviously Baldur is a viking so he is getting a viking funeral
but the problem is that Baldur is the most viking viking ever
which would not be a problem if he was alive obviously
but is a problem now because he has THE BIGGEST BOAT IN THE WORLD
his boat even has a NAME i don’t give a shit about
so the gods load Baldur’s body into the boat
but then they’re like “shit
how are we going to get this boat into the water?”
and Thor’s like “Uh, hey”
and the gods are like “If only one of us was strong enough to push it”
and Thor’s like “Hello guys, hey”
and the gods are like “Hmm … looks like we’re going to need a giantess for this”
and Thor’s like “HEY COME ON.”

But they do it
they invite a giantess named Hyrrokin
and she shows up riding a wolf
with DEADLY SNAKES as a bridle
probably wearing a leather jacket and smoking like 9 cigarettes
and Thor is like “Somebody’s trying a little too hard”
but nobody hears him because the motor on Hyrrokin’s wolf is too loud

So then Hyrrokin gets off her wolf
and Odin sends four berserkers to hold it
(and remember
berserkers are the elite viking warriors who are SO VIOLENT
that if you’re sending them into battle
you better make sure there are enough enemies to kill
because if there aren’t, they’ll make up the quota with your dudes)
and the four berserkers can’t calm the wolf down
without beating it totally fucking senseless
so Hyrokkin walks away from this bloody wolf melee
not even looking back
takes off her shades
and is like “Yo
Somebody call for a boat moving specialist?”
and everybody’s like “SO COOL”
and Thor is like “I mean i have a hammer only I can lift but whatever”

Then Hyrrokin goes up to the boat
and she’s like “Haha is this the boat you need moved?
I almost didn’t see it because it’s SO SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT
it’s like a rowboat had a baby with another, smaller rowboat
fucking adorable
now watch this drive”
and she punches that boat into the water SO HARD
that the logs they put under the boat to help it go into the water
CATCH FUCKING FIRE
and there’s an EARTHQUAKE
and Hyrrokin is like “Wow that was easy
what’s next?
yall got some jars you need opened or anything?”
and Thor’s like “I’LL OPEN YOUR JAR YOU FUCKING SHOW-STEALER”
but before he can whip out his hammer everybody’s like “Whoa dude
chill out
don’t know what you’ve got against our cool new best friend Hyrrokin
no need to get mad
just because she was literally the only one strong enough to do this”
and Thor is like “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALRIGHT THEN
JUST GONNA BLESS THIS FUNERAL PYRE WITH MY HAMMER THEN
YOU KNOW
THE HAMMER I HAVE BECAUSE I’M THE STRONGEST”
and everyone’s like “Cool dude whatever”

Then Baldur’s wife is really sad for some reason
so she throws herself on the fire and immediately dies
and they throw Baldur’s horse in the fire too
and that golden ring that shits out other rings
so basically all their best stuff
and during the ceremony
Thor kicks a dwarf named Litur into the fire too
and nobody says anything about it
because fuck dwarves.

So the moral of the story
is next time you go to a funeral
show up riding a fucking wolf

the end

Lugh the Long Handed is Born in an Irish Cowfight

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Okay so Saint Patrick’s day just happened two weeks in a row
or maybe I’m just seeing double
or experiencing holidays in double
the point is i’ve finally sobered up
and I feel like it’s high time I did another celtic myth

This story is about a dude called Lugh the Long Handed
I talked about him before a long time ago
he’s good at everything
and he probably fingerbangs like a pro thumb wrestler
but today we’re gonna walk it back a little bit
and talk about how dude gets born
THE STORY WILL FEEL SOMEWHAT FAMILIAR

So Balor of the Evil Eye is a sack of shit
He got a death potion in his eye when he was little
because his dad was cooking meth without proper ventilation
and now whenever he gives someone the stink eye
the stink levels are straight lethal
so he actually has his eyelid pierced
with an ivory hoop
and it keeps his eye closed all the time
and whenever he wants to kill someone
one of his bros has to lift the ring
sort of like cyclops from the X-Men
but infinitely more of an asshole

Balor owns a glass tower on an island
plus a bunch of other shit
all of which used to belong to other people
because when you can stare death at people at will
you can kind of take whatever the fuck you want
so Balor is cruising around in his boat
aiming to become Ireland’s next top dick chef
when he runs up on a druid
and the druid is like “hey dude
you’re gonna die”
and Balor is like “NUH UH”
and the druid is like “yuh huh
but it’s okay
you’re gonna die by your grandson’s hand
and your grandson isn’t even born yet
so you’ve got a while.”
and Balor is like “A while, eh?
How about FOREVER”
and the druid is like “uhhhh good luck???”

So Balor does the usual thing
he chucks his daughter Ethlinn in the glass tower
along with twelve handmaidens
whose job is to keep Ethlinn from ever even knowing what a dick is
this plan
if the Greeks have taught us anything
is extremely solid and has no flaws.

Irish mythology is different from Greek shit though
because there aren’t a bunch of dieties swinging dick all over the sky
Plus Ethlinn is in a glass tower with handmaidens
and not an open-roofed trash hut with NO ONE
so security is significantly tighter
but what Balor gains in security
he makes up for in being an asshole

See, Balor basically takes his daughter’s imprisonment
as a “never-gonna-die-forever” pass
so he just goes on stealing shit and killing people
with no fear of repercussion
and it seems like he’ll just be able to pull this shit off forever
WHEN SUDDENLY
A COW GETS INVOLVED

Basically there are these 3 brothers
Goibniu, Samthainn, and Cian
Cian is going to be the main guy
because his name is by far the easiest to spell
and also because he owns the cow in question
this cow is so special it has a fucking name
and not Bessie or Udders McGee
but THE GLAS GIABHENN
and what’s so special about this cow?
she … gives milk
but like
all the time though
whole gallons of the stuff, for real.
You never know what peole will be impressed by in these stories
like on the one hand
you have a dude who can kill people with his eye
on the other hand
you have a cow that gives milk
it’s a mixed bag.

So apparently most irish cows are just udder garbage
because EVERYBODY wants this magical milk-giving cow
but only one person can have her
because of capitalism
of course Balor the Buttlord thinks the owner should be him
so he’s just waiting for his chance to jack that beef

one day he gets his chance
when Cian and Samthainn go to Giobniu’s place
because Giobniu is a smith and they all need swords
but Giobniu isn’t running a fucking charity
his forge is strictly BYOS
(Bring Your Own Steel. Common smithing acronym)
so Cian and Samthainn have both brought some steel
and Cian has also brought along his cow
because he can’t just leave the cow unattended
there are not a lot of anti-theft measures that work on cows
like you can’t just lock a club through its steering column
because only boy cows can be steers

ANYWAY
Cian goes inside to talk to Giobniu
and he leaves Samthainn outside to watch the cow
which is when Balor Blundercock decides to but his ass in
he disguises himself using SHAPESHIFTING MAGIC
which I GUESS HE HAD THIS WHOLE TIME???
what the fuck
Balor has a save-or-die eyeball effect AND shapeshifting?
Nerf Balor

oh but I guess it’s okay
because he just turns into a little redheaded boy
not a dragon or an ogre or a wizard or anything
and then he goes up to Samthainn and he’s like “yo man
I just heard your brothers totally dissing on you
they said you were a sucker chump
and they were gonna use all your steel to make themselves swords
and then make YOU a sword out of crappy iron”
and Samthainn is like “OH SHIT GOTTA GO INTERFERE
HERE, TOTAL STRANGER
TAKE HOLD OF THIS COW EVERYBODY WANTS”
and then he runs inside
and Cian is like “WHAT THE FUCK WHO’S WATCHING THE COW?”
and Samthainn is like “Oh just some trustworthy young lad”
and Cian runs outside
just in time to see Balor Ballsfiend run off with the cow
and Cian palms his face so hard it comes off
and Giobniu has to smith it back on.

Now Cian is pissed
like, he doesn’t even want the cow back
the cow was really just a regular cow
but he’s gotta fuck with Balor’s shit somehow
so first he goes to a druid to ask what to do
and the druid is like “Balor can’t be killed
except by his grandson”
and Cian is like “Ok…”
and the druid is like “Yeah”
and Cian is like “Anything else?”
and the druid is like “Uh not really”
and Cian is like “fuck this I’ma talk to a lady druid.”
so he goes and finds a lady druid named Birog
OF THE MOUNTAIN
and she’s like “Oh I can TOTALLY help you fuck with Balor’s shit
and what better shit to fuck with
than his daughter???”
And Cian is like “You mean I get to fulfill a prophecy
AND piss off Balor
AND get laid, all at the same time?
SIGN
ME
THE
FUCK
UP”

So Birog dresses Cian in drag
and then uses wind powers to teleport them to Balor’s island
and tells all the handmaidens “yo this is a queen
she’s one of the Tuatha de Danaan
who are all magic as fuuuuck
and she’s looking for a place to lay low for a while
can you hook her up?”
and the handmaidens know better than to fuck with the Tuatha de
so they let them in
and then Birog knocks them all out with magic
and then Cian goes up to Ethlinn’s room
and Ethlinn is like “OH DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN”
and they fuck pretty hard
but then Cian is like “lol i was really just here to prank your dad
bye”
and then Birog uses the wind to whisk him away again
leaving Ethlinn pregnant in her dad’s glass castle

This is a bad place to be pregnant
because as soon as she gives birth to the baby
her dad is like “Noooooooooooooo wayyyyyyyy
and drowning babies isn’t like a big step for him
so he just has some people take the baby to be drowned
but they put the baby in a really shitty bag
and he falls out into the water too early
and everybody’s like “ah it’s probably fine
babies are terrible swimmers
it’s one of a long list of things they are terrible at
honestly why do we even put up with babies
babies are great if you like
need a bunch of shit on your hands
but you’re too impatient to wait for your own shit
I can think of literally no other application for babies.”
then they all go home and get hammered

BUT THE BABY SURVIVES
MOSTLY DUE TO BIROG’S WIND MAGIC
so she brings the baby to Cian
and Cian is like “what is this?
a baby?
nope
don’t want it”
and he gives it to some lady named Taillte to raise
and that baby’s name is Lugh
and he grows up to be good at everything
but that’s a story for another time

the moral of the story
is if some dude steals your cow
revenge-fuck his daughter.
you know
an eye for an eye.

The end.

Turtles on Turtles on Turtles

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Quick one today
because Saint Patrick’s day comes a week early in Chicago
and I’ve still got a hell of a hangover to sleep off

So some scientist is giving a lecture
there are people who like to say it was Bertrand Russel
but that’s boring
I say it was Bill Nye the Science Guy

So Bill Nye is doing a demonstration about the solar system
he’s got a golf ball that represents the earth
and it’s on a little electric train
on a little electric train track
going around a bowling ball he’s spraypainted to look like the sun
and that’s all on top of a big metal disk
attached to a robot arm
that’s twirling around a nonstop lightshow of LEDs and tissue paper
that represents the milky way
it’s dope and there are sound effects

so this lecture is finished
everyone has learned a lot and people are getting ready to go
when suddenly this old lady stands up in the back
and she’s like “YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT BILL NYE
EVERYBODY KNOWS THE EARTH IS A PLATE FULL OF WATER AND DIRT
SUPPORTED ON THE BACK OF A TURTLE
A SPAAAAACE TUUUUURTLLLEEEE”

So Bill Nye is like “what the fuck
are they just letting anyone walk into my lectures now?
ma’am with all due respect you are a big idiot
like let’s say you’re right
let’s say the world was slapped together
with all the care and attention of a first grade science fair project
the world is balanced on a turtle
but what the fuck is the turtle balanced on?
OH THAT’S RIGHT
NOTHING
WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW?
UNDER THE TURTLE MAYBE?
*FUCK* YOU, LADY”

The lady seemingly doesn’t realized how served she just got though
she just looks him right in his piercing brown eyes
and she’s like “Another turtle
and under that turtle is another turtle
and on and on like that forever
except for on level 6 million or so
which is just a giant jar of suck my dick”
then she drops a mic nobody knew she was holding
and she out

the moral of the story is screen your lecture guests

the end

This Turkish Princess Gets a Little Salty

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Somebody was kind enough to actually translate a story from Turkish
just so I could ruin it on my website
it’s from Turkey
and it is about REVENGE

Okay so there’s this sultan
he has three daughters
and he is very insecure
so he calls all his daughters in
and he’s like “Hey daughters, pop quiz:
(get it because I am your father)
how much do you love me?
answer using hyperbolic comparisons please”

So the first daughter is like “I love you as much as the whole world”
which is objectively false
because that would have to mean that she has absolutely zero love
for anything in the world that is not her father
but it sure makes the sultan happy.
The second daughter is like “I love you more than my mom’s womb”
which is not a great answer
because she only spent nine months up in there
before violently busting out.
But then the third daughter tops both of them
by being like “I love you as much as SALT”
and her dad is like “WHAT???
SALT?!?!?!?!
FUCK SALT.
What a shitty answer
for that shitty answer
I will now have you killed”
And the third daughter is like “wait what?”

But it’s too late
now she’s getting dragged up onto a hill by an executioner
and he’s like “Yeah sorry I have to kill you
you seem cool
what did you even do?”
and she’s like “I said I loved my dad as much as salt”
and the executioner is like “seriously?
I mean okay, that’s a weird thing to say
but I’m not sure it merits an execution?????
No fuck this
just give me your shirt
I’m going to smear a wild beast’s blood all over it
and give it to your dad
he won’t bother to fact check, he’s a busy man
also INSANE
you go do you, princess.”

So the princess goes walking down the road
topless and weeping
which is why when she arrives at the next town
some rich dude immediately gives her a job as a house servant
where she works until she grows up and becomes extremely pretty
at which point some random prince sees her
and they get married because that’s how shit goes

So she’s worked her way back up to princess status
and she’s hanging out with her royal husband
and she’s like “did I ever tell you about my dad?”
and the prince is like “no what about him?”
and she’s like “Oh nothing big
he just ordered me executed because I compared him to salt.”
and the prince is like “lol what
i mean that IS a really weird thing for you to have said
but EXECUTED?
who put this guy in charge of a country!
Dude, you know what we should do?
We should prank him.”
and the princess is like “way ahead of you.”

See, she’s already invited her dad to come have dinner at the palace
but he doesn’t know who she is, obviously
and before he arrives, the princess
(now a sultana actually)
goes to her cook and she’s like “okay here’s the menu
I want everything to be delicious
EXCEPT
No
salt”
and the cook is like “What the fuck
you might as well ask me to cook without hands”
and the sultana is like “do you usually put severed hands in the food”
and he’s like “that’s not what I meant”
and she’s like “THEN GET TO WORK”

so big daddy sultan shows up to his secret daughter’s palace
and he sits down for dinner
and all this delicious looking food comes out on gold platters and shit
but it all tastes like hot garbage
he can’t finish a damn thing
and this is when the sultana stands up at the other end of the table
and reveals
that he was actually eating his kids the whole time
no wait i mean
that he was actually eating his kids the whole time
no wait i mean
that he was actually eating his kids the whole time
NO
WAIT
I MEAN
that she was actually his daughter
and that this shitty meal proves how important salt is
and the sultan feels like a real dick for ordering her execution
and they make up sort of
but he probably doesn’t come over for dinner much after that
because the food wasn’t very good
and also because he still fucking tried to have her killed
you don’t just get to say sorry and put that behind you.

Anyway the moral of the story
is seriously fuck people who don’t salt their food
one time I was at a party and I met this asshole
who was like “real cooks don’t use salt”
and I was like “I’ve got a prime unsalted knuckle sandwich right here for you
and when I’m done tenderizing your face
we’ll see how you like salt IN YOUR WOUNDS
PROBABLY ABOUT AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE IT ON YOUR FOOD I WOULD GUESS”
seriously
“real cooks”?
“real cooks” are the reason you can buy 36 pounds of salt in bulk
basically what I’m saying
is fuck that one guy I met at a party that one time
actually he was pretty cool for the most part
I just disagreed with him about this one thing

still though

The Aztec Moon is Part of the 1 Percent

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Patreon chose the mythos for today
the secret last day of February
so if you’ve got beef, go yell at patreon
or, you know, donate to my Patreon.
Either way you have to read this now:

The Aztec gods are very bad at holding onto suns
Let’s run down their list of mistakes

The first sun they make gets carried off in a flood
which is just like
you should not be keeping your sun that close to water
oh and then all the people turn into fish
which, if there is a LIVE SUN IN THE WATER
is probably the exact wrong thing to do.

The second sun is eaten by jaguars
which is even less acceptable
because what the fuck tiny-ass sun fits in a jaguar’s mouth
maybe people turned into the jaguards?
I don’t know
seems like you’ve got to spend an awful lot of time watching proto-humans
just to make sure they don’t turn into other animals

Third sun, demolished by firey rain
THE SUN
IS MADE
OUT OF FIRE
WHERE ARE THEY BUYING THESE GARBAGE SUNS?
All the people are set on fire too
but at least that’s an expected result of firey rain.

Fourth sun, blown away in a windstorm
which i think raises a larger question
about the quality of the worlds these gods are building
like, why are there all these cataclysmic sun-destroying disasters?

None of these questions are really answered by the myth
all we know is that the gods don’t like not having a sun
so they decide to make a new one.
Apparently the way to make a sun
is to set a god on fire permanently
which seems EXPENSIVE
and that’s probably why
after pissing away four suns this way
they finally decide to economize a bit
by sacrificing the poorest god, Nanauatl
they’re like “Here Nanauatl, come jump in this fire
you’re poor, no one will miss you.”

But there’s this other god Tecciztecatl
who is one of the richest
and also apparently stupidest
because he sees Nanauatl on his way to get immolated
and he’s like “THAT SEEMS COOL, I WANT TO DO IT INSTEAD”
so the gods are like “Okay, fine
you’re rich so we can’t tell you no”
but then he realizes he’s volunteering to jump into A FIRE
so he’s like “Mmmmmmaybe I’d rather not”
and Nanauatl is like “Haha asshole
I’m about to get rid of ALL MY DEBT”
and then he jumps into the fire and turns into the SUN

so Tecciztecatl sees this and he’s like “Aw fuck
I assumed
VERY REASONABLY, I THOUGHT
that jumping into this fire would just kill me
rather than turning me INTO A DEEP SPACE FUSION REACTOR
NOW I WANT TO DO IT AGAIN.”
And before anyone can be like “No we don’t need two suns”
he jumps into the fire and becomes SUN 2:
TURBO EDITION.

Seriously, though, nobody asked for a second sun
this is way more sun than even the sun-rich Aztecs can use
they’re like “this is a disgrace, we must do something
oh I know
let’s throw a rabbit at that second sun
throwing rabbits at problems is a great way to solve problems
and get rid of rabbits”
so they do that
and it somehow has the effect of dimming Tecciztecatl down
until he can only be seen at night
and while this is certainly not the most fucked up story
explaining the origin of the sun and moon
it is definitely one of the more entertaining ones.

Oh and just so you know
the Aztecs believed that constant sacrifices were necessary
to make sure this fifth sun stayed in the sky
which is why it’s a good thing
we have so many wars.

The end.

The Goat, the Wolf, and the Cabbage, OR: Poor Purchasing Decisions

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8

A couple friends of mine made a game
and they named their stupid game company after this riddle
which happens to be VERY OLD.
When I told them how old the riddle was
they were like “holy shit we’ll pay you to do a re-telling of it”
and I was like “well I was just going to I MEAN YES PAY ME”
then I loaded up the post I’d already written
and changed exactly nothing about it
except this little preamble
about how you should seriously buy their really cool game
it’s about fooling nazis and you can watch me win at it on twitch sometimes
anyway, let me tell you about this dumb farmer and his problems.

Right so there’s this farmer
let’s call him Dick
Dick is not a very successful farmer
as evidenced by the fact that he has to go to the store
to buy a goat
a cabbage
and for some reason
a wolf
you would think if he needed cabbages
he could grow some on the farm that he has
the goat makes sense
but why the fuck does he need a wolf?
wolves are like the exact thing you want to keep out of your farm
and this dude is spending money
(which he probably doesn’t have a lot of
seeing as he can’t even grow fucking cabbages)
to ACQUIRE THE THING HE IS MOST AFRAID OF
that would be like being afraid of nuclear weapons
and so purchasing a bunch of oh
oh okay I get it.

Anyway the only store in the area
that sells both goats AND wolves AND cabbages
is on the other side of the river
so he rents a boat to get to the store
further increasing the cost of this errand
and then on the way back
he realizes he has a problem
i mean
he realizes he has a brand new problem
on top of all his previously existing problems.
The problem is this:
the boat can only hold him and one of this three dumb purchases.
if he leaves the wolf alone with the goat
the wolf will eat the goat
(this will likely still be a problem on the farm
also I wouldn’t feel great about having a wolf in a boat with me)
If he leaves the goat alone with the cabbage
the goat will eat the cabbage
and the grass under the cabbage
and the dirt
and any part of the mantle soft enough to chew
because goats are awful

so how does he solve this problem he created for himself?
SPOILERS:
he takes the goat across
then he takes the cabbage across
but he doesn’t just leave the goat there with the cabbage
because despite all prior evidence, he is not an idiot
no, he brings the goat BACK WITH HIM
and then LEAVES IT ON THE ORIGINAL SHORE and takes the wolf
then he puts the wolf with the cabbage
and goes and gets the goat
which has probably eaten half of the landscape by now
and the farmer lives happily ever after
until his long string of bad business decisions finally ruin him.

That’s the least interesting part of this story, though
the MOST interesting part
is that this riddle shows up fucking EVERYWHERE
Italy, Estonia, Russia, Scotland, fuckin Ghana
Ethiopia, Russia, seriously, EVERYWHERE
but my favorite version of the story comes from Zimbabwe.
Now in this version
our hero has acquired not three, but FOUR incompatible items:
a leopard, a goat, a rat, and a basket of corn.
He can still only take one thing across the river at a time
so what the fuck is he gonna do?
If he takes the goat across, the rat eats the grain
if he takes the grain across, the goat eats the rat probably
goats eat anything
if he takes the leopard across, he’s in a boat with a leopard
there’s no winning
so the dude is like “hmm
maybe i should get rid of one of these rowdy animals
then this problem would have a logical solution
but I can’t do that
these animals are like family to me
ever since I drove away my family with my dumb purchases
you know what?
fuck this logic puzzle
I don’t need to cross that river
I live here now.”
and that’s what he does.

So the moral of the story
is if you’re the kind of person who spends money on wild carnivores
don’t try to logic your way out of the problem
fucking own your stupidity.

The end.

Happy Massacre Day

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4

What up dweebs
I hope your yesterday was good
and contained exactly the right amount of genital contact
based on your personal preferences
and also I hope you touched a butt
BUT ENOUGH SMALL TALK
it has come to my attention
that many of you don’t even know what yesterday was ABOUT
and NOT just because you all have drinking problems
so let me tell you what Valentine’s day is all about my friends
it is all about murder

Right so we’re in Ancient Rome
I know it doesn’t look like it
I know it looks like your computer
but stop fucking questioning every step of this process
i am trying to tell you a story and you are being very rude
anyway there’s this emperor named Claudius
and he’s got an army
but the army is like 85% weenies by volume
and he is trying to get them hyped to go die for him
so he’s like “hmm
what do some of the angriest shittiest dudes I know have in common?
A complete disregard for others …
possible glandular problems …
Segways, but I can’t afford to buy enough of those
OH I KNOW
THEY’RE ALL SINGLE
Okay from now on soldiers aren’t allowed to get married.
WAR:
SOLVED.”

It seems like this rule would make dudes just quit the army
thus ending war forever
but it is doubtful that Claudius had a noble endgame here
also military service was pretty mandatory
so instead of a bunch of blissed-out ex-soldiers getting their dicks touched
you have a bunch of pissed off soldiers glumly touching their own dicks
AND THAT’S WHERE SAINT VALENTINE COMES IN

Okay yeah I know what that sounds like
and no, Saint Val didn’t touch anybody’s dick
they used to disqualify you from sainthood for shit like that
I don’t know why
I for one would love a couple openly gay saints up in the pantheon
No, Valentine sees all these soldiers and their blued-up balls
and he’s like “THIS IS TOTALLY UNCOOL
YOUNG MEN SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET MARRIED WHENEVER THEY WANT
ESPECIALLY RIGHT BEFORE THEY GO OFF TO WAR
TO GET KILLED AND LEAVE THEIR TEENAGED BRIDES IN A WORLD OF PAIN
SOMETHING MUST BE DONE”
and it turns out it’s really easy to marry people to each other
so Valentine just does that a lot
becoming the Ancient Roman equivalent
of a Las Vegas Elvis impersonator
for lots of horny teens.

Obviously Claudius finds out about this
because even though the marriages are secret
what the fuck is the point of a secret marriage
so Claudius arrests Saint Valentine and is like “dude
could you stop marrying my soldiers to people all over the place?
also while you’re at it could you stop being Christian?
thaaaaanks”
and Valentine is like “What no”
and Claudius is like “Oh shit okay I guess go die then”

So Valentine’s in jail now
and he’s bored so he starts talking to his jailer
and it turns out the jailer has a daughter who is blind
and Saint Valentine is like “Oh dude that sucks
I’m gonna die soon and I have all these godbuxx saved up
so how about I just use those to cure your daughter’s blindness?”
and the jailer is like “Whoa, thanks dude!
I do not deserve this literally at all!
Anyway it’s morning now and we have to behead you
thanks for everything!”

But the V-man does one last thing before he dies:
he sends that daughter a nice card with some flowers
and he signs it “From Your Valentine”
which is a weirdly romantic thing for a saint to do
but I guess he figured he was about to die
so he might as well put it out there.

Yeah then he died
and everybody more or less forgot about him
until his holy day turned out to be a convenient excuse
to fuck each other’s brains out once a year
or shoot a bunch of rival bootleggers
depending on your profession.

Anyway the moral of the story is pretty obvious:
get a job guarding political prisoners
apparently the fringe benefits are amazing.

The end.

MORMON DUSK

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1

Hello sailors

today is here the final installment of the big whale story
look in it with your eye

I DID IT
I FUCKING DID IT
THEY SAID IT COULDN’T BE DONE
OR AT LEAST THAT IT SHOULDN’T BE DONE
BUT GUESS WHAT, DOG-BOTHERERS?
IT HAPPENED.