King Muchukunda Knows How To Get His Nap On

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Alright guys
so there’s a rumor going around about this book I am writing.
Well here’s the deal guys:
Because of the way publishers work
(which you should not ask me to explain, because I do not know)
My book is not going to be coming out until NEXT MARCH
so you are going to have to sit tight and try not to forget I exist
FOR LIKE A YEAR
which is bullshit, I know
but sometimes life is bullshit
sometimes it isn’t, though
sometimes it is hilarious and filled with rad explosions
like for example in this hindu story:

So fertility potions, right?

We’ve all heard of them
mostly while perusing our spam folders
but did you know
that shit is for CHICKS ONLY?
Yeah, dudes are not supposed to drink that stuff
sorry dudes
mannyxx74.horselegs@dickheaven.cx was lying to you.

Perhaps I should explain.
See back in ancient hindu times
this random dude gets the Brahmin to make a fertility potion for his wife
but then he gets thirsty/amnesia and just drinks it himself
and gets PREGNANT
and then has to have THE MOST BRUTAL C-SECTION.
Yeah
it’s not pretty.

But what IS pretty
is the son what gets birthed out his meathole.
This son is named King Muchukunda
because even before he is smart enough to stop shitting himself constantly
this dude is A-1 king material
the prevailing theory being
that there was no sissy vagina to wussify this baby out
which honestly I think is pretty sexist.

ANYWAY
true to form, it is not long before Muchukunda is king
and he is SUCH A GOOD KING
that the gods at one point get fed up with their constant war against demons
and they’re like “Hey Muchukunda
solve this for us?”
Dudes
if you are ever in a position where gods hit you up for advice
i feel like you have either won the universe
or found a universe with really weaksauce gods.
Maybe the two go hand in hand.
Whatever
the point is, Muchukunda solves the demon problem permanently and with the greatest of ease
so then the gods are like “Damn, dude
you just killed all the demons.
That’s more we could do in ALL OF OUR INFINITE LIFESPANS
HOW ABOUT SOME BOONS FOR THIS KING OVER HERE.
WHAT KIND OF BOONS WOULD YOU LIKE?
MEGABOONS, OR ULTRABOONS?”
and Muchukunda is like “Well actually
I’m pretty tired after solving all your problems.
I think I just want to go take a nap
FOREVER
AND ANYONE WHO WAKES ME UP GETS SET ON FIRE BECAUSE I WILL HAVE HEAT VISION.”
And all the gods are like “Okay, yeah, that sounds fair.”

So they put Muchukunda to sleep
and they give him heat vision and bury him under a mountain.
They don’t even pull a dick move and put him in the middle of like
a busy intersection or something
where he would constantly be getting woke up and setting dudes on fire
even though that would be hilarious
because these are GODS
not some bullshit genies.

So years and years and megayears pass
and Muchukunda is STILL asleep
and meanwhile that big hunk of ultragod, Vishnu
manages to get himself incarnated as this little rascal named Krishna
and since Krishna is basically just some dude-shaped godsauce
he has no problem becoming king of most of the things that are nearby
nearby the KNOWN WORLD, that is.
Anyway, shit is pretty sweet
(not literal shit
although maybe yes
they SAY Krishna’s kingdom was a utopia
although I don’t know if I’d EVER want to eat shit
even in a utopia
wait
ESPECIALLY in a utopia.)
until suddenly a barbarian shows up
and Krishna could just crush him with god powers
except instead he decides to be a rapscallion about it
and lure the dude into a cave
and then hide
and the cave he picks
happens to be where MUCHUKUNDA IS SLEEPING

so the barbarian lord busts into the cave and he’s like HA HA
THOUGHT YOU COULD DISGUISE YOURSELF AS A SLEEPING DUDE, DID YOU?
THAT IS SO STUPID I SHOULDN’T EVEN CONSIDER IT AS AN OPTION.
OH WELL, TIME TO WAKE YOU UP WITH MY SWORD.
So he does
and then Muchukunda incinerates him with his heat vision
and then he turns around to incinerate Krishna
because really it’s all Krishna’s fault
but then he realizes who Krishna is
and he’s like oh man
I almost made a BIIIIG mistake
i guess I better go outside and see what the world is like, huh?

so he does
but it turns out everyone just got real short
and he gets tired of bumping his head on doorways
so he moves to the mountains and becomes a sage
and probably takes many more successful naps.

so the moral of the story
is you need to get off your ass.
Come on
you can sleep when the gods grant you a boon after you destroy ALL THE DEMONS.

The end.

Drums are Good For More Than Just Funky Beats

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I didn’t know they had shamans in Russia
but guess what?
THEY TOTALLY DO.
There is this tribe of dudes called the Buriat
and these dudes are pretty much DROWNING in shamans
in fact, i think i feel a story about one of them coming on right now
OH SHIT HERE IT IS

So Morgon-Kara is the first shaman of the Buriat tribes ever had
and he is EXCEEDINGLY COMPETENT
he is so competent
that he can BRING BACK THE DEAD.
That is more than competence my friends.
That is
dare I say
WITCHCRAFT?
Whatever
this dude don’t give a fuck.
He gives so few fucks
that eventually the lord of the dead actually FILES A COMPLAINT ABOUT HIM WITH GOD.
Guys
I don’t care who you are or what you are accused of
if it caused a GOD to pass your name UP THE CHAIN OF COMMAND
you are doing pretty well in my book.

So God is like “I’m about to school this chump.”
and what he does
is he takes some random dude’s soul
and stuffs it in a bottle
and then covers the opening of the bottle with his thumb
like you might do if you wanted to kill an insect and you were a big jerk
and apparently souls need oxygen
because it’s not long before the guy whose soul it is starts getting REAL SICK
so of course he calls up the resident shaman
who happens to be Morgon-Kara
because honestly
if you have a shaman who can raise the fucking dead
you are not going to mess around with any piddling imitators
this dude’s schedule must be PACKED.
I wonder how much he charges?
I wonder how much health insurance was in ancient Siberia
I wonder if shamans are covered under health insurance
because if so
why am I wasting my time with all these fucking doctors
I bet this dude could’ve just turned my erectile dysfunction into a hot chick or something

ANYWAY
Morgon-Kara comes over to this dude’s place and he’s like “alright man
lemme go ahead and take your blood pressure
your temperature
okay, okay, good…
now it is time to go on a badass adventure to find your soul so i can fix it
SEE?
SO MUCH BETTER THAN A REAL DOCTOR.
So he jumps on his GIANT MAGIC DRUM
and starts rocking out to some INCREDIBLE BEATS
these beats are so incredible
they override gravity
and the drum just starts zooming all over the place
including INTO HEAVEN where God is
and before too long
he sees God sitting up there
just choking the shit out of that dude’s soul in a bottle.
I just like the image of an all-powerful celestial authority
with nothing better to do than hold his thumb over the mouth of a beer bottle
just to prove a point about how a sassy shaman isn’t as great as he thinks.
I mean, whose side is God on?
Shouldn’t he be happy that humans have figured out a way to deal with that whole death thing?
I mean if you’re an all-powerful creator
i feel like death has got to be like
the big inksplotch you accidentally left at the corner of the canvas
the one that kinda looks like balls
and if I was god, I would probably be like SWEET
WAY TO DO MY JOB FOR ME ONCE AGAIN, HUMANS
but instead he’s got to cater to the whining of his death god
and I don’t even get why “death god” needs to be a job
that’s like if they invented a managerial position at wal-mart
called chief supervisor of punching you in the balls
it’s just not good business sense
what kind of universe is this dude running here?
where is the invisible hand of the market when you need it?
Fuck!

uh… where was i?
Oh yeah, the bottle.

So Morgon-Kara sees God busy being a jerkass
so he turns himself into a wasp
because that is ANOTHER thing he can do
and then he stings the SHIT out of God’s face
so he’s like “OW FUCK” and starts grabbing his face and letting go of the bottle
and the dude’s soul is like “AAAAA I’M FREE NOW!”
and the dude gets better
and everyone is a little unnerved to learn
that their universe is being run by a dude who not only doesn’t give a fuck about them
but also can be easily overcome by a guy pretending to be an insect
although actually
those two facts taken together kinda cancel each other out
it would probably be worse if it was just one or the other.

Anyway, then Morgon-Kara is running away on his sweet flying drum
but a flying drum is not the best implement of stealth
given that in order to make it go
you have got to rock out with the combined angular momentum of a THOUSAND COCKS COMING OUT
so god hears these shamanistic dicks flying into his ears and he’s like “MORGON-KARA
HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY SPECIAL FUCKING-WITH-MORTALS TIME”
and then he REALLY shows Morgon-Kara what’s what
by breaking his drum in half.

Wait
that’s it?
That’s all he can do?
He doesn’t even make the drum unusable
he cuts it in half circumference-wise
so that Morgon-Kara can still use it as a fucking drum!
This guy SUCKS!

But yeah
then morgon-kara lives happily ever after
although his beats are marginally less phat than they used to be.

So the moral of the story
is that you should always try to be good enough at your job
that it pisses off god.

THE END.

Dicks dicks dicks.

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Here’s one you probably haven’t heard before:

So this takes place in India
and as I’m sure we all rashly assume
India is just CRAWLING with sages
Like you cannot open up your refrigerator to get some eggs
without half a dozen sages crawling out and giving boons to your raisin bran.
But EVEN SO
the sage that this story is about
manages to totally distinguish himself.

See, one day this dude is resting by the side of the road
next to these things they have in India called lingams.
Now for those of you that don’t know
(for example, me before I did a quick google image search)
a lingam is just a big stone dick sticking out of a big stone vagina.
It looks like this:

Actual Size

The balls are my own addition.

And it doesn’t just look like that
that’s what it’s supposed to be.
It’s supposedly about the unity of god and goddess or something
but I think it’s mainly just about how sexytimes are awesome and people like to carve boners.
ANYWAY

So this sage is resting by this sex sculpture
and he does the natural thing for a very relaxed dude to do
which is he kicks up his feet and places them on this holy statue.
Now along comes a priest
and the priest is like DUDE
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING
THAT DONG-VAG COMBO IS TOTALLY SACRED
GET YOUR FEET OFF THERE.
And the sage is like oh shit dude, sorry
I totally wanna do what you’re telling me
But I’m kinda already super relaxed though
could you please kindly put my feet somewhere where there ISN’T a totally sacred dong-vag combo?
and the priest is like GLADLY.

So the priest picks up this dude’s feet
and moves them a little to the left
and then he puts them down and SPROING
here comes a brand new dick, charging out of the ground to meet this guy’s feet
or should I say MEAT his feet?
Eh?
Eh?
Moving on.

So then the priest picks up his feet and moves them to the right
and SPROING
GROINS AHOY
and the priest keeps doing this
until there is basically just a forest of dicks around these two sweaty men in the forest
at which point the priest is like this is getting a little too weird for me
how about I just bow down to you and then get the fuck out of here?
Uh
you’re the greatest.
No homo.
And then he’s gone and the sage gets to chill out in peace
surrounded by a theoretically limitless quantity of stone penii
(actually I don’t know if they are stone penii or actual penii.
I guess that is yet another
MYSTERY FOR THE AGES.)

Anyway, the moral of the story is supposed to be something about cosmic unity.
I call bullshit.
The real moral of the story
is watch where you step
cause dicks are lurking EVERYWHERE.

The end.

Moses Apparently Has Some Things He’s Not Telling Us

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Hey guys
what do you know about VOODOO?!
Nothing?
GOOD. I WILL HELP YOU TO CHANGE THAT.
STARTING
NOW.

So Moses
yes
I said Moses
calm down.
I know everybody thinks Moses is just a bible dude
but he is actually a voodoo dude, too
just, nobody likes to talk about that part
because it makes Moses kind of look like a dick.
See, what happened is that back in the day, Moses got himself initiated into Voodoo
man
let me just say that Voodoo is a super fun word to type
voodoo
voooooodoooooo
okay, moving on
So Moses is a voodoo guy.
He gets married to the daughter of this black dude named Jethro
who is the dude who taught him all the voodoo.
The name of the daughter is Sephora.
So Moses and Sephora get to bangin’
and they pop out two gorgeous babies
and in this version of the story, we are assuming Moses is white
even though I don’t really know why he would be
so these are some mixed-race babies, like the president.
Their names are “He-Who-Lives-In-A-Foreign-Country” and “Help-of-God”
Or Gershom and Eli-Ezer for short.
But Miriam and Aaron, Moses’s sister and incompetent nincompoop brother –
Oh man, nincompoop!
Another great word!
Nincompoop
voodoo
nincompoop voodoo
oooooooooooo
OKAY, ANYWAY
Miriam and Aaron are like “Okay, Moses
we don’t have any problem with black people
like
in GENERAL
but we uh
just don’t want our brother marrying one, okay?
This isn’t a race thing
it’s just a…
yeah, it’s totally a race thing.”
And moses is like “Fuck. Fine, then.”
And he divorces Sephora
who I guess goes on to start her own highly successful makeup company.
But that’s not enough of a dick move for Moses
so when he makes the first hebrew temple
he totally shits in Voodoo’s hands
by finding the exact spot that the center pole would be if it was a voodoo temple
and putting his big fat staff right there
like BAM
FUCK YOU JETHRO
FUCK YOU SEPHORA
FUCK YOU VOOOOOOOOOOOOODOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and then Voodoo gets mad and gives Miriam leprosy
so HAH.

So the moral of the story
is don’t divorce the daughter of a dude who just taught you a system of POWERFUL MAGIC.
At least, not if you value your sister.

The end.

So It Turns Out Atlantis Was Full of Terrible People

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I got curious today
not about Atlantis, though
about something else
but you know how Wikipedia is.
So
the only reason anyone is even talking about Atlantis in the first place
is that Socrates makes some offhanded comments about it in his dialogues
or actually this politician named Critias makes the comments
but maybe Socrates is putting words in Critias’s mouth
or maybe Plato is putting words in Socrates’s mouth
I mean, Plato was not above being a total dick, so it’s possible.
Either way, the story is a fever-dream style mishmash of mythology, history, and dumb lies
and it goes a little something like this:

Back in the day, the Greek gods were dividing up the earth amongst themselves
because it’s not like they already had dominion over everything to begin with
and Poseidon gets handed this sweet little plot of land in the middle of the atlantic ocean
actually, the plot of land is not little
and the ocean isn’t called the Atlantic ocean.
That comes later.
Actually, it comes right now.
I am sorry if it seems like this tale is suffering from premature ejaculation
I am just SUPER excited and I haven’t been sleeping well and I swear this never happens to me
It’s you, dear reader.
You are just too sexy.
Anyway, Poseidon falls deeply in love with a lady named Cleito
and when I say deeply in love
I mean deeply in boners
DEEPLY in boners
still boners run deep, my friends
and rapidly moving boners run deeper still.
YES. GOOD.
Look, I have facts to back this up though:
the facts take the form of the FIVE PAIRS OF TWINS that Poseidon and Cleito have together.
That is a lot of twins.
MOVING ON.

So Poseidon suddenly has all these twins to deal with
but he doesn’t want to try parenting
he still has his life to live
so instead he figures he can probably buy them all off with gifts
gifts of LAND.
Poseidon, what makes you think babies want land?
What is a baby going to do with vast tracts of land?
Poop on them?
The average baby can only poop on maybe an acre, TOPS
and you would STILL HAVE TO FEED IT.
But luckily for poseidon
greek babies pop out of the womb fully formed and ready for a career in agriculture
so he goes ahead and divides up this island he got amongst them
he gives most of the island, including this bigass volcano
to his favorite son, Atlas
and THAT is why the island is called Atlantis
and THAT is why the ocean that it’s in is called the Atlantic ocean.
Man, if the greeks had only known how big that ocean was
like for real
I bet they would have picked a more important god to name it after.
Then Poseidon gives the other half of the island to Atlas’s twin
and then …
and then Critias realizes he planned this wrong because he forgot how fractions work
and he’s just like “Oh, and everyone else got land too.”
Meaning that Poseidon just sold them some choice real estate at the bottom of the marianas trench.

So Atlas and his bro(s) get super excited about this new island
and they go about making all these improvements
digging moats and whatnot
it sounds really sweet
it sounds like what I always used to wish my sand castles would turn out like
but instead they turned into dramatic fury-induced cave-ins that vaguely resembled dogshit.
Gods do not have those kinds of problems, though, so atlantis turns out great.
In fact, Atlantis turns out TOO GREAT.
It turns out so great
that some of its greatness spills over and starts conquering europe and africa.
So the Atlanteans are about to take over egypt and greece
and basically every place else
but oh shit, what’s this?
It looks like some plucky Athenians have mounted a resistance
and HOORAY, THE DAY IS SAVED
pay no attention to the fact that all three of the dudes who could have been telling this story
were born and raised in Athens, Greece.
NO BIAS HERE, FRIENDS.
Whatever
either way, Atlantis gets beat off by Athens
and then gets so embarassed by the whole thing
that it sinks under the ocean
“in a single day and night of misfortune”
which is ancient-dude-code for “everybody got WAYYYY too tipsy.”
and then Poseidon is like “Thanks a lot guys. Now I gotta get a new giant island.
Oh wait, the ocean is way better. Why did I even want an island? That was dumb.”
And then Atlas is unemployed
so he has to get a job holding up the earth forever.

So the moral of the story
is that advanced prehistoric civilizations sink for a REASON.

The end.

Niall Sure Knows How To Take One For The Team

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Oh, Joseph Campbell
you tell me the silliest stories

Okay so there’s five celtic bros
they are the sons of this dude named Eochaid
i’m not sure if this is the same Eochaid I’ve already talked about
probably he’s not though
because one of the bros you are about to hear about is named Niall
who Eochaid kills in the other story
so I dunno
either it’s a different Eochaid
or they have a really shitty family
BOTH ARE PLAUSIBLE

ANYWAY
Niall and his four other bros are all lost somewhere in Ireland
and this is bad because nobody thought to pack any water
so they’re like alright gang
let’s split up
and try to find some water
and by split up
I mean let’s all take turns going to the EXACT SAME PLACE
so they do.
So the first dude to find a well is this dude Fergus
you can already tell he’s gonna fuck up
because he’s named Fergus
when has anyone named Fergus ever done anything right?
I am sorry if your name is Fergus
and doubly sorry if your name is Fergus Fergeson
but that is exactly why they invented changing your name

so anyway, Fergus Ferguson finds this well
and standing in front of the well
is just the most BODACIOUSLY UGLY BROAD
he has EVER SEEN
to say that she had a horse-face would be an understatement
it is more like her face is the balls of a horse
or else her whole body is a horse’s taint
not a good horse, either
and definitely not a good taint
although I guess
what taint has ever been good
the point is
even a passing glance at this wench while perusing a where’s waldo puzzle
would be sufficient to induce a permanent and debilitating case of dickwilt
I mean this chick’s got TUSKS, man
GREEN TUSKS.
This is not even human stuff anymore
this is like a missus-potato-head of disaster up in this well.

So obviously Fergus sees this chick and he is just like HIGGITY HELL NO
and the chick is like dude
i haven’t even made my offer yet
my offer is:
you can have as much of this well-water as you want
if you make out with my lips
and Fergus is like BITCH I WOULD NOT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN LOOKING FOR YOUR LIPS
AND ONCE I FOUND THEM I WOULD WANT TO IMMEDIATELY PUT THEM BACK WHERE I FOUND THEM
I WOULD STRAIGHT UP RATHER DIE OF DEHYDRATION WHILE SHITTING MYSELF TWICE IN A CHURCH PEW
and the chick is like alright dude, suit yourself
and Fergus goes back to his bros

so this keeps happening
obviously
I mean why would there be five bros in this story if they weren’t all gonna make the same mistake
so Olioll, Brian and Fiachra all do the same thing Fergus did
and they all come back without any water
and they all congratulate each other on maintaining their high standards
even in the face of IMMINENT DEATH
until finally the fifth bro
who is named Niall, like I said earlier
is like guys
fuck this
we need water
and you are all acting like fucking third-graders
brb

so Niall goes to the well
and the chick is like You know the deal, right?
and Niall is like ayup
dig out them lips, sister
and she does
and he he’s like Check it out
i will even throw in a hug for free
so he gets all physical with the witchbag
and then WHABAM
INSTANT HOT CHICK
Okay honestly guys
who among you did NOT see this coming?
I swear
I feel like dudes in myths would have so much easier times
if they just knew they were in myths
so Niall is like girl
you are a galaxy of charms
can I get your number?
which is SUCH A GOOD LINE AND I AM GOING TO USE IT ALL THE TIME
and the chick is like we do not have phones, so no
but i will give you my name
I am ROYAL RULE
and by making out with me you have been entered to win KINGSHIP FOREVER
so congratulations
you and your kids are gonna be all the kings
oh and my ugliness was a metaphor for how you have to fight battles to be king and stuff
and Niall is just sort of nodding and staring at her tits so he probably misses that part
but then yeah
he brings water back to his bros
and they don’t die
and also he gets to be king for a longass time
until Eochaid
who may or may not be his dad
puts an arrow all the way through his skull.

So the moral of the story
is that it is truly a great and noble thing
to be the wingman.

THE END.

The Turnip Princess is another one of those goddamn fairytales

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GUYS GUYS GUESS WHAT:

THEY FOUND SOME NEW FAIRYTALES
LOCKED IN SOME DUDE’S LIBRARY IN GERMANY.
AWWWWW YEAH.
Yeah apparently some dude exhaustively chronicled a whole mess of tales
but it turns out he did it in a really boring way
so everybody made a point of forgetting about his dumb book in a library
I am not going to make his mistake
I am going to tell you this story
WITH SWEARS:

So there’s this prince right?
Yeah, this story doesn’t fuck around
PRINCES: LINE ONE.
WHAT’S NEXT?
BEARS?
yes, actually.
bears.
because what happens is this prince gets lost and he stumbles into a cave
(something you should NEVER DO in fairytales)
and when he wakes up
BAM
BEARS
or actually,
just one bear
and one ugly witch
but wait
this witch is ugly
like witches be
but then in the next line it turns out she’s
actually beautiful?
what?
is this like one of those magic eye illusions
where if you stare at her tits long enough and cross your eyes she turns into jessica rabbit?
well, whatever the reason
it freaks out the prince, and he can’t stand her
but she wants to marry him, obv
because princes are choice bootay in this day and age
and he is having none of it
but she is a witch so of course he can’t leave
until one day the bear comes up to him and starts talking
WHAT
TALKING BEARS
oh yes of course.
this is not unusual
Germany used to be a really fucked up place
forget raptors, man
what if BEARS could THINK??
anyway, the bear is like “Dude,
all you gotta do
is just take that rusty nail out of the wall over there
and go out to the turnip field out there and put it under a turnip
and somehow this will net you a hot wife
and FREE ME OF WHATEVER CURSE I AM MANDATORIALLY REQUIRED TO HAVE AS A MEMBER OF THIS TALE”

so the prince has nothing to lose
he yanks that nail out the wall so hard it pretty much causes an EARTHQUAKE
this was some structural support nail or some shit
but then he just goes ahead and fucks everything up
because when he gets out to the field a monster shows up
and he’s like “AAH, A MONSTER” and he stabs himself with the nail
and somehow manages to not get tetanus
but somehow DOES manage to bleed so hard he PASSES OUT
HEMOPHELIA: ONCE AGAIN, IT IS THE ULTIMATE COCKBLOCK

so the prince wakes up with a sweet beard and no idea where he is
so he starts wandering around
which if I am remembering correctly
is exactly how he got into this city of problems to begin with
and pretty soon he runs up on a thorn bush
and being that this is ancient times and they don’t know what hemophelia is
he just grabs right onto that thorn bush and yanks off a branch
and it turns out okay, i guess, because he doesn’t start bleeding again
but then he’s got this thorn branch
and he doesn’t know what to do with it
because seriously
what is there to do with a fucking thorn branch
plus he’s sleepy and he doesn’t wanna accidentally start bleeding in his sleep
so he does the sensible thing
and just stabs it into the nearest turnip
and goes to sleep

so then in the morning he wakes up
and the thorn branch has turned into that rusty nail he impaled himself on earlier
and not only that
but instead of being stabbed into the turnip
the turnip has turned into a crazy kind of shell
with the nail inside
and all kinds of half-formed ladyfeatures on the outside.
That’s right
we are now dealing with
POD PEOPLE
OLDE GERMANY
HOW DID YOU GET POD PEOPLE

but the prince doesn’t see it that way
probably because he hasn’t seen invasion of the bodysnatchers
so he just blithely picks the nail out of the ladyshell
and brings it back to that cave he was in before
which he now magically knows how to get back to
and then he sticks the nail in the wall
LIKE A DUMBASS
and BOOM
here come the old witch and the bear
and the prince is like OLD LADY
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THAT HOT CHICK
SHE KID OF LOOKS LIKE A TURNIP
and the old lady is like haha you got me
I think that was actually me or something?
and the prince is like
FOOL ME ONCE:
SHAME ON BEARS
FOOL ME TWICE:
I WILL PROBABLY GET WRECKED BY BEARS
so he just pulls the nail HALFWAY out of the wall
and he sees the bear turn into a crazy half-man half-bear
and the old witch turn into a crazy half-hot-chick half-witch
which begs the question:
which half?
and then I guess the prince is satisfied that he is not being tricked?
so he pulls the nail all the way out and the old witch turns into a hot chick
and then she and the prince get married
because at the end of the day nothing but tits really matter at all.

So the moral of the story
is that stabbing people with rusty nails
is the key to a healthy relationship

THE END.

The Bitch and Her Friend

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Yep.

This is one of those stories where I can just transcribe the title directly
and it will sound like I wrote it
not only does it sound like I wrote it
it sounds like story should go something like
“So one time I ran up on this bitch, right
man
she was a HUUUUGE bitch
like, HUGE
but man
MAN
you shoulda seen her friend.”

but no
that is not the story i am going to tell you
this story is a fable and so it is about dogs

so once upon a time there is this bitch
literally a bitch
like in the way you used to use bitch when you were in elementary school
and someone had just called you out on using a dirty word
what i mean to say is
there is a pregnant female dog
and this is not just any pregnant bitch
this bitch is HOMELESS
so she hits up her friend
and her friend is actually a really nice dog
and not a bitch at all
in any sense
and this bitch is like HEY FRIEND
I NEED A PLACE TO CRASH WHILE I POOP OUT THESE PUPPIES
and her friend is like oh sure no problem
you can take my place
I will uh
go be homeless?
(dogs do not place as high a value as we do on having homes
because they are dogs)

so a week later the bitch gives birth
meaning she is no longer a bitch
but actually this just serves to uncover the next layer of her bitchery
because then her friend comes back and she’s like OHHHHH MAN
I AM SO TIRED FROM POOPING ALL THESE TINY DOGS OUT MY WOMB
CAN I CRASH HERE FOR LIKE ANOTHER MONTH OR SO?
and her friend is like uh sure
i don’t really mind being homeless cause I’m a dog
I hear one of my friends just discovered heroin
i may try that out

so then a MONTH passes
and this doglady comes back to her house with a heroin needle all sticking out of her haunch
and she’s like uh hey
i kinda need my place back
I am very sleepy
and her bitch friend is like oh
sure
you can have your place back
IF YOU CAN FIGHT YOUR WAY THROUGH ALL MY PISSED OFF SONS
because see
her puppies are all grown up now
and vicious and terrible
check and mate

so the moral of the story
is try not to give away your house
I thought we all knew this already.

The end.

More like Heart of Jerkness

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This one goes out to all my homies who wasted 4+ years on a lit major

So we’re on a boat
and as we all know
boats are where stories get TOLD
so it is unsurprising that after like a page of describing every motherfucker on the boat
this fancypants narrator
whose name i’ve forgotten
and thus is now named COLONEL FANCYPANTS
gets ambushed by this dude Marlowe
who gets all up in his grill talking about how London is a total drag
and it reminds him of this other place he went that was a total drag:
AFRICA
FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASHBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK

so apparently
back in the day
this Marlowe cat got a job with a british trading company
his job description was to go to africa
and trade all of the africans bits of string and pocket lint
in exchange for PRECIOUS PRECIOUS IVORY
so he’s like alright Marlowe
now’s your chance to make it big
prove those british dudes you can seriously scam some natives
oh man
riches ahoy
but then he gets to Africa and it totally sucks
and not even because of any Africa-related nonsense
it sucks because all his CO-WORKERS suck
they’re all huge jerks
who do things like sneer all the time
and also SABOTAGE MARLOWE’S BOAT FOR LIKE NO FUCKING REASON
SERIOUSLY
IT TAKES HIM THREE MONTHS TO FIX THAT THING
I THOUGHT THESE GUYS WERE ON THE SAME SIDE?

Well, apparently not
anyway, now Marlowe has a new job
which is instead of staying where he is and steadily accumulating bitches and riches
he has to go into the jungle
(aka THE HEART OF DARKNESS for some reason)
and find this dude named Kurtz
who is apparently this super great musician and genius and journalist and stuff
who is also really great at cheating the natives out of ivory
and who appears to have “gone rogue”

so, awesome
now Marlowe has to go find this guy
and his boat is finally fixed
so he gets some white dudes and some black dudes
(the black dudes are cannibals
because cannibals are scary and this book is scary)
and they go a-boatin’
and pretty soon they find a little house with a bunch of firewood in it
and a note that says hey
free firewood
it’s totally for you guys, no strings attached
so they are kinda confused by that, but they take the wood
and they use it
but then all of a sudden it gets real foggy and they get attacked by JUNGLE DUDES
and one of Marlowe’s cannibal pals gets capped
and he acts real sad about it
but come on, Marlowe
we all know cannibal dudes are just the redshirts of your story
i mean guys
look at what is happening
this is a horror book
that predates horror movies by a handful of decades
and even back in 1899
THE BLACK GUY ALWAYS DIES FIRST
so that’s lovely
oh, they escape by the way
someone just needed to get killed first so you’d know it was serious business

but anyway then they get to Kurtz’s camp
which is totally unharmed
even though they figured kurtz would probably be dead by this point
but there is a very simple answer to why Kurtz’s camp is unharmed:
it is because he has surrounded his camp
IN THE SEVERED HEADS OF THE NATIVES
and also apparently the natives worship him as a god
which is not what I would do if someone decapitated all my friends
and then used them for lawn ornaments
although maybe I would
if they were threatening to do that to me too…
anyway, Kurtz isn’t there
but this weird russian clown is
and the Russian clown is apparently the guy who left the firewood
which explains a lot
also he is kind of a disciple of Kurtz’s
which explains even more
oh and also Kurtz is the one who sent the jungle dudes to attack Marlowe
which explains even WHAT?
man, when this guy goes rogue
he goes all the way rogue
i mean, they said he was a journalist
and i guess he must be
because this is exactly what I imagine would happen
if they sent Hunter S. Thompson to go harvest ivory from the Congo

anyway
eventually they track down Kurtz
and dude is seriously ill
so they grab him and stuff him in the boat
and start taking him home
and even though he’s mega ill
he’s still got assloads of charisma
but whatever
didn’t stop you from dying, did it asshole?
so yeah, on the boat he dies
obviously
but Marlowe happens to see him right before he dies
and apparently Kurtz has this “supreme moment of complete knowledge”
which causes him to utter words of incrediblewisdom
here they are
reproduced in their entirety
ahem:
“The horror! The horror!”
Great, dude
that’s the best you could come up with?
supreme clarity my ass
that is some soap opera shit is what that is
fuck off

so Marlowe gets back to London
and everyone is hounding his ass trying to find out about Kurtz
but he won’t say shit
even though he totally has a bunch of Kurtz’s stuff
especially a picture of Kurtz’s super hot fiancee.
Now I know what you’re thinking
and no, Marlowe does not bone Kurtz’s would-be honey
although that would be totally sweet
no, he just goes to see her
and then when she asks about her boytoy’s last moments
Marlowe is all
“Uh…
he died with your name upon his lips”
BITCH
NO HE DIDN’T
UNLESS THIS CHICK’S NAME IS “THE HORROR”
HER BOOBS WERE THE LAST THING ON KURTZ’S MIND WHEN HE FELL OFF THE ALIVE-TRAIN
but oh well
at least her feelings are saved

so yeah
the moral of the story
is obviously that Africa is terrible
and lying is great.

The end.