Old-Times Arabia is a Writhing Carpet of Orgies

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I’ve put this one off long enough.

Okay, so I figure you probably already know a little about Scheherazade
the badass chick who eludes decapitation for a thousand nights straight
by being TOO ENTERTAINING TO KILL
I’ll get to that part in a minute.
Right now, lemme tell you about why there is a dude randomly killing his wives in the first place.

Okay so back in the back in the day
there was this great job you could get
called Shah
which is a really posh-sounding way of saying “big-times king dude”
and these guys had all the hookups
they had so many hookups
that they had to invent strict militaristic protocols
JUST FOR INVITING EACH OTHER TO PARTIES.
Our story begins with just such an invitation

So King Shahryar
who is such a king that he has Shah AND King RIGHT IN HIS MOTHERFUCKING NAME
gets a hankering for a party
so he sends an invite to his bro Shah Zaman
like “dude
you should bring about a million white slaves”
(he specifies that the slaves have to be white for some reason
probably because he has so many hookups
that he can even afford to color coordinate his slaves
and black slaves just wouldn’t have matched the drapes he had up.
PS: the word for white slave is Mameluke
which I cannot read without thinking Marmeduke
so I am just imagining these massive battalions of dopey great danes
stealing hamburgers and comically injuring their owners.
woo, tangent)
uh where was I
oh yeah
King Shahryar was writing a letter
“DEAR BRO
BRING DEM BITCHES OVER HERE WE GON HAVE A GOOD OL FASHIONED MIDDLE-EASTERN HOOTENANY”
so naturally his bro comes running
but it is hard to run amidst about a million dopey great danes
and anyway he forgot his wallet at home
so he runs back inside to grab it and OH SHIT WHAT IS THIS
he has been gone like TEN MINUTES and his wife is ALREADY BONING SOME DUDE
and to make matters worse
(given that this is a society of dudes who obsessively color-coordinate their slaves)
the dude his wife is boning is BLACK
and he works as a COOK
and Shah Zaman is like WHAT THE FUCK, WIFE
I PICKED OUT THOSE SHEETS TO COMPLIMENT MY SKIN TONE
THIS IS A FASHION DISASTER
and then he chops both of them in half
and walks back outside like nothing is happening
because he does not want to buzzkill the party

but he’s a major buzzkill anyway
because by the time he arrives at Shahryar’s place he is SICK WITH GRIEF
and he doesn’t want to do anything
he doesn’t want to have fat feasts
he does not want to go out hunting
what he wants to do is sit in his tent and pine his ass off
so finally his bro is like “fuck it, man
I’m going hunting.
you can sad yourself to death in your room or whatever”

so Shah Zaman is alone in the castle
and he goes wandering around
and he happens to catch a glimpse of Shahryar’s wife going into the pleasure garden
which is the kind of garden you have if you are a Shah
and he’s like whoah, my brother’s wife is pretty hot
let’s watch secretly to see if she takes off her top
AND SHE DOES
along with TEN OF HER SUPER HOT LADIES IN WAITING
and TEN MARMADUKES
and then she claps her hands
and this crazy looking black dude jumps out of a tree and sexes her ALL DAY LONG
and Shah Zaman is like whoah
I am totally cheered up now
number one, that was totally hot
and number 2,
my brother is getting fucked over WAY MORE than I got fucked over.
AWESOME.

So when Shahryar gets home he’s like whoah
who turned off the sadknob all of a sudden
wait
did somebody turn your sad-knob?
like
your penis, I mean?
like did somebody touch your penis?
was it my wife?
DID YOU FUCK MY WIFE?
and Shah Zaman is like no dude, even better
I watched like twelve dogs and a crazy black dude fuck your wife
and Shahryar is like THIS IS TERRIBLE
and Shah Zaman is like well yeah sorta
but it totally helped me get over dismembering my own wife for doing a similar thing
and Shahryar is like well it looks like it all worked out in the end
NO WAIT
NOTHING IS ALRIGHT IN THE END
BECAUSE THE END I QUESTION IS MY WIFE’S END
AND EVERYTHING IS IN IT
AND NOTHING IS ALRIGHT ABOUT THAT
and Shah Zaman is like bro chill out
you know what you need?
A vacation
let’s go to the beach.

So they go to the beach
and they’re chilling out trying to forget about their terrible wives
when all of a sudden SHAZAAM
a genie busts out of the water
(this kinda shit is always happening in Arabia
place is lousy with genies)
anyway, both kings hide in a tree
and they watch this genie bust out an INCREDIBLY HOT CHICK
and go on and on about how sexy virtuous she is
and how he’s so glad he stole her from some dude she was gonna marry
and blah blah blah and then he goes to sleep on her lap
and as soon as the genie is asleep
the chick wiggles out from under him
and she looks up in the tree and she’s like “yo
you two
come down her and have sex with me”
and they’re like “Uh…
we totally want to and everything
but that genie would definitely kill us if we did that”
and the chick is like “No, listen to me
what is going to happen
is you are going to come down here and have sex with me
OR
I am going to wake up this genie and THEN he will kill you.”
And Shahryar is like “Go for it, bro
she’s all yours
I’m a married man
whereas you have recently bisected your wife
you go ahead and get firsties
I will stay up in this tree and contemplate sloppy seconds”
and Shah Zaman is like “Dude this is WAY sketchy
and it’s not like your wife is being faithful to YOU.
YOU go first.”
and the chick is like “Oh my god I cannot believe what I am hearing
I’ve got my tits out down here
getting cold in the seabreeze
and you two anticocks are up in a palm tree playing “who can get the least laid”
need I remind you that I have a genie
who will KILL you
if you do not begin rubbing my ladyparts IMMEDIATELY.”
And it’s hard to argue with a hot chick who has a genie
so they doubleteam her
and then she robs them
and they walk away feeling pretty filthy
but also they got laid so it’s not so bad.

Anyway, this genie doubleteam experience
is the icing on the misogyny cake that these two dudes have been baking
so when Shahryar gets home
he murders his wife
murders all her slaves
and then resolves to marry a new woman
have sex with her
and then murder her
EVERY SINGLE DAY
for the rest of his life
and he manages to keep this up for a thousand days
but THAT’S when Scheherazade comes in.

TO BE CONTINUED.

What if Superman was a Nazi

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Okay so there’s this planet full of superheroes and it’s going to explode
You’d think that if they were so great they would have figured out a way to not explode
but you shouldn’t complain
because their loss is our gain
in the form of SUPERMAN

okay actually he’s not called superman yet
that would be stupid on a planet where everybody is super
except actually I think none of them have superpowers
and they are only activated by the particular color of earth’s sun for some reason
but anyway I guess baby superman is important or special or something
(he’s named Kal El though, which I think is what Sean Penn named HIS kid)
so his parents put him on a rocketship and shoot him towards a planet
that has a pretty good track record
of hating anyone even remotely different from themselves
we call it
EARTH

so superman crashes in the middle of the most xenophobic part of kansas
and he gets picked up by these two old people
and they don’t want to piss of the freaky space baby so they make it their own
and anyway I think they’re both sterile from radiation poisoning at this point
because the spaceship superman crashed in is like covered in kryptonite
which superman is totally allergic to
so bad luck, huh?
but anyway they raise him
and they eventually figure out shit is fucked up when he starts lifting tractors
and he gets bored of his shitty podunk parents and kicks the shit out of his high school
and flies to mars or New York or something
and gets a job as a dude who punches people in the face
and shoots them with his laser vision and he can fly
honestly I don’t know why he didn’t just become the world’s biggest asshole
except wait
he totally does
because eventually he gets bored of being better than everyone
and he builds himself a big sadtimes igloo at the north pole
like a red and blue murdersanta
and then he hangs out there
and later the US government hires him to kill batman
but he fucks it up somehow
even though batman is just a regular dude
and superman is FUCKING SUPERMAN.

so the moral of the story
is that we are all on the wrong planet
because somewhere out there
there is a flavor of sun that turns us all into tractor-lifting dick machines.

The end.

No myth today because I’m some kind of sleep-needing pansy

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Hey guys
did you read the title?
Yeah, that’s what this post is about.
Not much else to say except to perhaps tell you that this week
I learned that you cannot survive indefinitely on five hour energy and poptarts
I also learned that you have to be over 18 to buy five-hour energy shots
which
i dunno
that’s pretty scary
it’s hard for me to expend much mental energy worrying about it though
because right now about a hundred percent of my brain
is devoted to yelling GO TO SLEEP real real loud
so I figure
it’s prolly better not to waste your time with a shitty myth
when what I really need to be doing
is recovering from this clusterfuck
sorry
goodnight
i love you etc.

– Ovid

Weaselboners

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Today’s myth brought to you by
JUMPKICK FLAPJACK, THE KANGAROO LUMBERJACK
actually i was just too lazy to look up the person’s real name
I hope you like your new nickname, Jumpkick
anyway, this is a story about aphrodite fucking people over

Okay so weasels are great
they look like hairy balloon animals
and their name sounds like the noise balloon animals make when you rub them together
and then when you rub weasels together
THEY ACTUALLY MAKE THAT NOISE
or else bite you and run away
I don’t know
I’ve never even seen a weasel in person to be honest
but I’ve seen a lot of balloon animals
and those are great.

All this is to say
that if a weasel suddenly developed a crush on me one day I would try to be understanding
i mean i would still be grossed out
because ew
but I always try to give the benefit of the doubt to things that resemble clown byproducts
(see also: clownfish, juggalos, crying children)
so I would at least let the weasel down easy.
NOT SO FOR THE PROTAGONIST OF OUR TALE
i don’t know what his name is because fuck it
but he’s the kind of jerk who finds himself the unwilling recipient of unsolicited ladyweasleboners
and just FLIPS HIS SHIT
and is like NO NO NO NO EW GROSS NO GO AWAY
and then the lady weasel is like aww
and then she’s like oh man
it’s a good thing I live in an enlightened age where animals can talk
i better use all my talking to pray for aphrodite to come solve my sex problems
YO
APHRODITE
HELP ME PRANK THIS HUMAN DUDE INTO SEXING ME
and aphrodite is ok I’ll be down in a minute
lemme just put some clothes on

so aphrodite shows up and turns the weasel into a hot chick
and the weasel is like OH MAN
HOT CHICK
IT’S GO TIME
so she runs up to the dude from earlier like SEXXXX PLEASEEEE
and the dude is like YOU’RE WELCOME
and then they get married like right there
and they’re about to get freaky
and Aphrodite is like hm
i wonder if there’s still time to fuck this up
oh man
what a silly question
there is always time to fuck everything up
so she’s just like FIZZAM
and turns the lady back into a weasel
and the dude is like AWW COME ON
I HAD MY DICK OUT AND EVERYTHING
WHAT THE FUCK
I DO NOT WANT A WEASEL GETTING HER CHAW ON ALL OVER MY DICK
GET OUT OF HERE YOU CRAZY WEASEL
YOU CRAZY SHAPESHIFTING REVERSE-BESTIALITY WEASEL
GO FIND SOMEONE WHO SHARES YOUR PERVERSE FANTASIES ON THE INTERNET.
so that is what the weasel does, probably

now here is my problem with Aesop’s fables
this dude always provides a moral
and his morals are always WAYYY WRONG
take for example, this one:
if you have an evil nature, it will always be revealed in the end
EVEN IF YOU CHANGE YOUR APPEARANCE.
what the fuck?
No!
That’s not what this story is telling us at all.
First of all, weasels aren’t evil. This one just wanted some hot man-lovin’
This story is basically just The Little Mermaid with Ursula replaced by a sex-rampagin’ jerk-goddess
and second of all
terrible people get breast implants EVERY DAMN DAY
AND IT WORKS
MOSTLY ON EQUALLY TERRIBLE PEOPLE
the breast implants do not turn into weasels whenever these terrible people get frisky
they stay firm and vaguely breastlike
so I hear.

SO WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT AESOP HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT
and we can also agree
that the real moral of the story
is that there is no one hundred percent reliable way
to have sex with animals and have it not be gross.

THE END.

Spiderman: Like Batman, but for Spiders

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Welp
as long as I’m doing superheroes
here’s another good one:

So Peter Parker is a big honkin’ nerd
this is a dude who has a pocket protector for his pocket protector
a graphing calculator watch
and glasses so thick it is a wonder that they do not fricassee his eyes like wayward ants
this dude is a capital N-E-R-D NERD
and as a nerd he of course has terrible hygiene
(yep
gonna go ahead and alienate my whole fanbase right about now
look out)
so naturally he has insects crawling all over him all the time
and this is why
when his class takes a field trip to a really catastrophically unsafe science lab
– that is full of nuclear weapons and spiders
that they keep RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER FOR SOME REASON –
all the spiders decide to throw a party on Peter’s face
and one of them bites him
and of course the one that bites him is RADIO-FUCKING-ACTIVE
so he gets leukemia

oh no wait
i read that wrong
it says he gets SUPERPOWERS
he gets all the superpowers that spiders have normally
like the ability to shit webs
and suck the juice out of living victims
and scare the shit out of me and crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping
if only peter parker had been bitten by a radioactive bear things might have been different
but then again
if he had been bitten by a bear
he probably wouldn’t have lived
because a bear
is ACTUALLY FUCKING DANGEROUS.

anyway, having spider powers is better than having no powers at all
so Peter Parker figures he owes a debt to society
a debt that can only be paid
BY UNDERGROUND CAGE WRESTLING
(or reality TV, depending on the version you’re reading)
but either way
he’s making bank
and then one day he lets some robber rob some dudes
because he doesn’t feel like getting in the way
but then joke’s on him
because that robber goes on to CARJACK AND MURDER PETER’S UNCLE
who is basically like his dad, really
because his real dad is dead
and now his uncle-dad is dead too
so that sucks

but WAIT!
before Peter’s uncle dies
he’s like PETER LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING:
WITH GREAT POWER
COMES GREAT
TIMES
BUT ALSO A GREAT EXCUSE TO KICK ASSES IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE
and Peter Parker
or should I say
SPIDERMAN
is like THOSE ARE WORDS TO LIVE BY
THANKS, UNCLE BEN
and then he goes on to have a lot of adventures
that involve a whole lot of really factually inaccurate science
and anatomically inaccurate babes
and he takes pictures for a newspaper and never stops trying to quit being a superhero

so the moral of the story
is that there is no rhyme or reason
to who ends up with superpowers.

The end.

Batman is Gifted at Crimefighting, Not so Great at Names

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So Batman
fuck yeah
today we are talking about Batman
but wait
slow your roll
because at the beginning of this story
this dude we are talking about
he ain’t even CALLED batman yet
because what the fuck kind of thing would that be to name your kid?
well okay, that’s not a fair question
it’s a totally rad thing to name a kid
(boy, girl, hermaphrodite, minotaur)
batman is always appropriate as a name for anything that you want to totally rock
but that is only because THIS DUDE
(whose name is BRUCE WAYNE)
WENT OUT OF HIS WAY
TO MAKE BATMAN A SAFE AND SWEET NAME FOR EVERY MAN WOMAN AND CHILD ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH.
He did this by having his parents murdered in front of him.

What’s that you say?
“Having your parents murdered in front of you is totally lame and not sweet at all?”
THAT IS A VERY INSENSITIVE THING TO SAY AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
but I am glad you said that because I was about to say the same thing
but as a rhetorical device though, not a legitimate statement
which I was then going to answer like so:
ahem

IT IS TOTALLY SWEET AND NOT LAME BECAUSE HIS PARENTS GET MURDERED AFTER AN OPERA
WHERE THEY WENT BECAUSE THEY ARE SUPER WEALTHY AND OWN COMPANIES AND SHIT.
Wait, wait
still lame.
Uh…
oh yeah
and they were killed for like NO REASON.
Nope, still lame.
…
They were killed by a dude named Joe Chill?
AWRIIIIIIGHT!

So Joe Chill stabs this dude’s parents
which is a particularly un-chill thing to do
but then again,
what kind of name is Joe Chill?
That’s almost as bad as Batman.
A name like that is practically BEGGING you to stab some dude’s parents.
like “Why do they call you Joe Chill, huh?”
“CAUSE I STAB DUDES’ PARENTS.”
Right.

Look, let’s move on.
even though Bruce Wayne sure as shit ain’t moving on.
He is so stuck on this shit
that he decides to devote his whole life to fighting crime
so he can prevent random murders of opera-going rich-folk like his hardworking billionaire parents.
To that end, he uses a bunch of company funds to go on vacation for a while
and also get super buff
and then he comes back home
back to his wisecracking butler, Alfred
because yeah
dude has a butler
also a giant superhero cave under his house
and a mansion and yachts and DASHING GOOD LOOKS.
Dude has the hookups, is what I’m saying.

Here is what he does with those hookups:
HE USES THEM FOR GOOD
because I am assuming he got all the coke and whores out of his system during his long absence
or maybe he got them into his system
that is probably more like what happened.
How do you get hookers into your system?
don’t think too hard about that one.
ANYWAY
He starts fighting crime
and at first the police are like HELL NAWWW
but then later, they’re like AWWW YEAH
and they make a big spotlight that has a bat on it
because OH YEAH I FORGOT
Bruce Wayne totally has a theme going on
and the theme is bats
because one night he’s like “Man,
I’m super ripped and I have all these high-tech gadgets and a superhero cave
but you know what I don’t have?
A really dumb costume”
and then SCREE-BAM
here comes a bat flying in through his window
like bats tend to do
and Bruce is like “GODDAMN BAT BROKE MY WINDOW
ARE YOU GONNA PAY FOR THAT WINDOW, BAT?”
and the bat is like “I’M A BAT, MOTHERFUCKER.
BATS DON’T PAY FOR SHIT.”
And Bruce Wayne is like “holy shit, that’s perfect
I will aspire to have all the cunning and ingenuity of a man
coupled with all the don’t-give-a-fuck of a bat.
I will call myself … bat … man
because it’s like 3AM and I still gotta clean up all this glass
and I’m pretty drunk and I don’t like thinking”
and then he gets a sweet costume and an army of bats and a bird-themed twink to haul around
and suddenly it’s okay to name your babies Batman.

So the moral of the story
is that you shouldn’t worry about bettering your community
that’s for crazy billionaires in animal suits to take care of.

The End.

Robin Hood: Not as Nice as You Thought

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So Robin Hood
I talked about him before
although mainly I was talking about Maid Marian and how she stomped his ass
but now it is time for you to learn
about how Robin Hood became an outlaw:

So okay
in this version of the story, Robin Hood has a pretty high opinion of himself
or at least his ability to shoot arrows at things
so when he finds out that there’s a big arrow-shooting competition in Nottingham
he’s like SIGN ME UP
except no one can hear him because he’s just yelling at no one
and they haven’t invented bluetooth headsets yet so that doesn’t work.

Anyway, he’s on his way to Nottinghamshire
(shire is a british suffix
that can be applied to basically anything that you want an extra syllable at the end of
see also: -ford, -ington)
and all of a sudden there are these fifteen foresters.
these foresters see Robin Hood and they’re like “HEY KID
WHERE YA GOIN?”
and Robin Hood is like “I’m going to the arrow-shooting competition in Nottinghamshireington”
and these foresters, they are about to bust a collective gut
because as far as they are concerned, there is NO WAY this scrawny asshole can shoot arrows
so Robin Hood is like “I BET YOU 20 BUCKS I CAN KILL A DEER FROM 100 YARDS AWAY”
and they’re like “YOU’RE ON”
so he does it
because what kind of story would this be if he just fucked up and had to pay them 20 bucks?
and then he’s like “Alright guys, pay up”
and they’re like “UH NOPE
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE SHOOT YOU WITH OUR ARROWS.”
so Robin Hood is like “wait
lemme get this straight
yall are about to let me walk away with my bow and arrow
after just having stiffed me for 20 bucks
after having SEEN WHAT I CAN DO WITH MY BOW AND ARROW?”
and the foresters are like “Uh, yeah. What’s wrong with that?”
And Robin Hood is like “Oh nothing. Peace.”

So he takes his arrow and he goes up on top of a hill
and just proceeds to KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE FORESTERS
there’s no warning shots
there’s no attempt to teach them a lesson or leave them with fleshwounds
he is seriously just exploding these dudes’ heads.
Finally there’s only one dude left
and he’s running away
and at this point,
in the words of the ballad,
“Robin Hood he bent his noble bow,
And hee fetcht him back again.”
So basically he’s like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat.
Then he walks up to the forester’s twitching body, and he’s like
“You said I was no archer,
But say so now again”
Translation:
“WHAT WAS THAT BITCH?
I COULDN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF ALL YOUR DEAD FRIENDS.”
Then he shoots an arrow through that dude’s head and splits it in half.

So alright
so far Robin Hood is technically in the right
those dudes DID stiff him for 20 bucks, after all
but see now what happens
is that all the forester’s relatives who live in Nottingham hear the murder sounds
and they come into the woods to see what’s up
so Robin Hood kills EVERYONE
pretty much for no reason
and then obviously he has to become an outlaw, because what the fuck was he thinking?
I don’t even get why these people end up accepting money from him later
he killed like half their dudes!

Anyway, so the moral of the story
is don’t welch on bets
when you are betting against a psychopath.

The end.

Anchises gets MEGALAID

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I was seriously under the impression that i had run out of greek myths.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW THINGS:
YOU GET WRONG.

So Aphrodite is a total ho-bag slupermodel
(a slupermodel is a slut who is also really attractive)
there is documented evidence of this
and meanwhile she is totally laughing her perfect, perfect ass off at all the other gods
like “Haha
I keep making you jerks fall in love with mortals
and then you get them preggers
or else they get YOU preggers
and then your babies DIE
(after a life of epic heroism.)
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
And all the gods are like “fuck this.
Zeus, fix this problem.”
And Zeus is like “Oh, I’ll fix her problems all right.”
And the gods are like “Not like that, Zeus
Not with your penis.
We all know what you are thinking because we are all thinking the exact same thing.”
And Zeus is like “Aww nuts.
Fine.”

So he just crawls into Aphrodite’s brain and makes her in love with this dude Anchises
who is a hunter who lives in a little hut in the woods near Troy
and who just happens to be HOTTER THAN AN EXPOSED HEATING ELEMENT IN AN ANTIQUE IRON
SERIOUSLY THOSE THINGS SUCK IF YOU AREN’T LOOKING OUT FOR THEM.
Basically the point here is
Zeus is shitty at pranking people
because he didn’t even think to pull some Midsummer Night’s Dream shit
and make her fall in love with like a leper or a big basket of sea urchins or something.
NOPE.
SEXIEST DUDE EVER.
WAY TO GO ZEUS.
Also, since when does Zeus have the power to make chicks fall in love?
I thought his power was to make chicks fall in rape
and even then, only with him.
This superpower is NON-CANON.

But whatever
The point is that Aphrodite is giving Anchises the ol’ once-over
and poppin’ ladyboners like erotic popcorn.
(have you ever had erotic popcorn, my friends?
That shit is disgusting.)
So what she does
is she pimps the FUCK out of her bad self
and by the time she meteor-slams into earth she is SO BONERDACIOUS
that wherever she goes she leaves a trail of COPULATING LEOPARDS IN HER WAKE.
NO JOKE.
THIS CHICK HAS SO MUCH RAW ANIMAL MAGNETISM
THAT IT’S GETTING COOKED ON THE SICK FIRES OF HER HOTNESS
AND THEN THE AROMAS ARE ATTRACTING CARNIVORIOUS FUCKING BEASTS
WHO THEN PROCEED TO BONE.

So Anchises is chillin’ at the crib
and he hears the unmistakeable sound of wolves fucking
and he opens the door to find THE HOTTEST FLESHBISCUIT HE HAS EVER LAID EYES ON.
So he’s like “holy shit
you are obviously a goddess
no other type of female is constantly accompanied by a retinue of horny jungle cats
(with the possible exception of horny female jungle cats)
so uh
thank you for showing up at my humble abode?
please don’t kill me?
Oh! Oh! I know!
I’ll build you an altar.
Bitches love altars.”
And Aphrodite is like “BITCH I DON’T WANT NO ALTAR
AND I AIN’T NO GODDESS.
I’m just a really
really
amazingly hot chick
who was frolicking with all my amazingly hot friends
(none of whom are even close to as hot as me)
when all of a sudden there were bandits or maybe a fire
and then HERMES showed up
and then instead of prank-sexing me like any self-respecting god would have
he teleported me over here and told me to have sex with YOU.”
because THAT is what passes for plausible on the outskirts of Troy.

So Anchises is like “You don’t have to tell ME twice.”
Except he doesn’t say it with his mouth
he says it with his dick
oh, also Aphrodite totally hit him with her love spells
not that she needed to
I mean come on
dude lives in the woods BY HIMSELF.
But anyway he drags her ass over to his bed
which is made from the skins of lions and bears
ALL OF WHICH HE KILLED HIMSELF
and if Aphrodite is like ANY DOUBTS I HAD ABOUT THIS SEX WERE JUST DISPELLED RIGHT NOW.
Then they commence to copulate.
Then Anchises falls asleep
because it is hard work keeping up with Aphrodite in the sack, ok?

But when he wakes up he is in for a BIG SURPRISE
because Aphrodite has morphed into ultimate goddess form
and he gets one whiff of her divine radiance and he’s like “WOMAN
YOU ASSURED ME THAT YOU WERE NOT A GODDESS
THAT AND YOUR IRRESISTIBLE HOTNESS WERE THE ONLY TWO REASONS I AGREED TO THIS ARRANGEMENT.
Look, I know how the story goes from here
you get angry at me for no reason
and my flesh ends up getting used to decorate one of your ceremonial dildos.
Nuh uh
I want out.
All I ever wanted was a simple life
and no-strings-attached celestial poon.
Is that too much to ask?”
And Aphrodite is like “No, actually.
See I actually got pranked into doing this
and it’s totally not your fault
and anyway you just put a baby inside of me
so I kinda need to have that now
and then I’m gonna raise it for 5 years and then you can have it back.
But don’t you DARE tell anyone about this shit
because I DO have a ceremonial dildo that needs reupholstering.”
And Anchises is like “Yeah yeah no problem.”
But come on
you can’t not brag about something like that.
So he does
and then he gets struck by lightning
but it’s okay, because his son turns out to be pretty famous.
His name is Aeneas
maybe you’ve heard of him?

So the moral of the story
is that it’s no use going out and trying to get dudes/babes.
Better just to chill out on top of a mountain
and let the god/esses come to YOU.

THE END.

INTER-FUCKING-MISSION

Posted on by
15

Okay
today I am very very tired
and I have hours of homework to do before I go to sleep
and I do not feel like doing research
so instead
I am going to tell you a story from my life
and if you have a problem with that
well
you can go re-read any of the 300-plus myths I already done told
I’m doing something different today, ok?
if we were in a committed romantic relationship, you and me
and instead of telling you myths I was having sex with you
well..
okay
first of all don’t take that metaphor the wrong way
but second of all I bet you would be POSITIVELY OVERJOYED
at the thought of me mixing shit up a little bit in the bedroom
because frankly I am pretty bad at sex
no matter how many songs I have written to the contrary
and really I’m just grateful you’ve agreed to sleep with me at all, dear reader
wait
look
okay
nevermind

SO THIS IS A STORY FROM WHEN I FIRST MOVED TO CHICAGO
this was what
like almost a year ago, now?
jeeze.
anyway, when I first moved to chicago I was staying in a pretty bad neighborhood
because I was waiting to move into an apartment i’d found
in a slightly less pretty bad neighborhood
and being a dumbass
I was headed back to the house one night at 3AM
walking down the sidewalk
and this skinny white dude with cornrows walks up next to me
like “Hey dude
wanna buy a gun?”
And I’m like “Uh
no!
Thank you!”
And he’s like “Oh ok.
…
Are you sure?”
And I’m like “yep! Thanks anyway!”
So he’s like “Ok, cool.”
Then he stops walking and I keep walking.

So I make it about another half a block when the dude catches up to me
he basically just runs up next to me and starts listing the features of the gun
he’s like “Dude, it’s a semiautomatic, colt 45, 13 in the clip, shoots hollow bees at your enemies”
whatever, I don’t know what guns are like
he was saying SOMETHING, is the point
and I’m just like “Really man, I appreciate your sales pitch, but I’m good
I sincerely do not need a firearm at this time.”
So he’s like “Alright, alright.
Well lemme ask you something then:
You got any money?
Cause I’m try’na get something to eat.”
So I think about the all of ten dollars I have in my wallet
and my no job
and the fact that this is already MAXIMALLY SHADY
and I say “Nah man, I’m sorry.”
so he steps around in front of me
and now I can see where his shirt’s tucked in over the gun he tried to sell me
and he’s like “Alright now I’m gonna ask you one more time
and I want you to be straight with me cause I don’t wanna have to put a couple in ya:
You got any money?
Cause I’m try’na get something to eat.”

Well fuuuuuuuuck.
This is what happens when you come home at 3AM, my friends
but like I said
I am a dumbass
so I think on my feet
and my feet, you see, don’t have shoes on them
because I don’t wear shoes
(this is a fact you should know about me, and now you do)
so I’m like “Man, I already got mugged.
See? They took my shoes!”
And he’s like “Well why didn’t they take your bag?”
pointing, of course, to the leather satchel I’m carrying
and also the bag of art supplies I just bought at Blick.
Nice.
But I’m already lying to the dude, I might as well own it
so I say “you wanna look in my bag? There is NOTHING worth taking in my bag.”
And he’s like “Nah man, it’s cool. But what about THAT?”
(he’s pointing at my cell phone, which is bulging in my pocket)
and at this point, against all odds, I’m starting to get angry
so I pull out my phone
which is this battlescarred piece of shit
that I have at various points used as both a juggling prop and a weapon for beaning cats with
and I’m like “Do you want my shitty phone? Here. Take my shitty phone.”
and he’s like “Nah man, I don’t want your shitty phone.
What about your wallet?”
And I’m like “Uh… they took my wallet
you know
when they mugged me?”
And he’s like “WHAT ABOUT YOUR WALLET??”
And I’m thinking “fuck, okay
it is better to lose my wallet than get shot and maybe death-humped by this crazy asshole
so I fish out my wallet and I hand it to him
and he opens it up
and he pulls out the ten dollars that are in there
and he’s like “Ten dollars?”

“I don’t want your ten dollars”
and he puts the money back in my wallet and hands it to me like it stinks
and then he turns around and walks away
and I’m basically about to shit myself at this point, obviously
when he turns around and he’s like “Hey man
are you staying around here?”
And I’m like “Yeah, why?”
And he’s like “My name’s Keith. I live at this house right over here.
If you ever need anything, hit me up!”
And I’m like “Alright man… will do…”
Then he’s like “Hey, did somebody really steal your shoes?”
And like I said, I was already committed to the lie so I’m like “Yeah, man.”
of course he asks me what kind of shoes they were
so I stutter a little bit and then tell him I’m a rare shoe collector
and that they were a limited edition pair of jordans
at which point he tells me he probably knows who took them
and that we can go over to their house right now
and beat the shit out of them and get my shoes back.
I had to talk him down and convince him that I had plenty more shoes back home.
Then he tried to sell me weed.
I do not know where he thought I was going to get the money.
He had, after all, seen my wallet.

So, I guess the moral of the story
is that the most effective anti-theft measure
is being poor.

The end.

The Boy Who Couldn’t Not Be an Idiot

Posted on by
6

so there’s these two fuckin kids right
one is smart
the other is wayyyy dumb
and this story is a fairytale
so obviously it is about the dumb kid
but there are a few details you should know about the smart kid
one:
he’s a HUUUUUGE pansy
every time someone tells a ghost story or it gets cold
he is shivering and shaking all over the place
and the dumb kid
whose name is hans
is SUPER JEALOUS OF THIS FACT
probably because he is dumb
actually that is the only detail you need to know about the smart kid
now he is out of the story

okay so one day Hans’s dad is like SON GET A JOB
and Hans is like dad I will get a job
as soon as I learn to shiver and shake like my big bro
and his dad is like SON THAT IS YOUR DUMBEST STATEMENT
IN A LIFETIME OF DUMB STATEMENTS
WELL DONE
then he goes to his local minister to ask what to do about his dumb son
and the minister is like don’t worry man
I will scare the shit out of your son for you
lemme give him a job ringing bells for me

so that is what he does
and one night Hans is going up to ring the bell
at like midnight
because the assholes who run this church wanna wake everybody up all night long
and the minister has dressed up as a SPOOOOKY GHOST
and he is standing on the steps in the belltower
and Hans is like hey dude
who are you
get out of my way
and the minister doesn’t say anything because he figures that’s pretty spooky
but the problem is that you need to have an imagination to get scared by ghosts
so instead Hans just kicks him down the stairs and then gets fired

so his dad kicks him out of the house
for being worthless and injuring the local minister
he’s like son
here’s fifty bucks
get the fuck out of my house and never mention that you are my son
and Hans is like ok dad no problem
so he starts walking
and this dude walks up to him like hey dude
I bet you fifty bucks I can teach you how to shiver and shake
CLEARLY THIS GENTLEMAN HAS BEEN FOLLOWING HANS FOR A WHILE
so Hans is like uh DUH
of COURSE i want to make this stupid bet
so the dude takes him to a clearing where SEVEN DUDES HAVE BEEN HANGED
and he’s like alright man
spend the night watching these dead bodies swing back and forth
THAT’LL teach you to shiver and shake

so Hans hangs out there all night
but apparently you need an imagination to determine that hanged guys are dead
so he assumes these guys are just cold
you know
from hanging b the neck for so long
and he cuts them down and puts them all by his fire
so they catch on fire, obviously
and he gets angry at them for their poor fire skills
so then he goes and re-hangs all seven flaming corpses
and when the dude comes back in the morning to collect the 50 bucks
he’s just like uh
holy shit
and then he leaves.

So Hans gets a ride into town
and he’s in the inn, muttering about how he wants to learn to shiver and shit
and the innkeeper is like HAVE I GOT A QUEST FOR YOU:
LOOK
RIGHT HERE:
LOCAL KING SEEKS DUDE TO SLEEP FOR THREE NIGHTS IN HAUNTED CASTLE
and Hans is like HAUNTED CASTLE?
PERFECT!!!

so he goes to the king like yo king I will sleep in your castle
and the king is like seriously?
sweet!
Do you need any food or anything?
and Hans is like nah
just a carving knife, a cutting board, and a LATHE
GUYS
THIS IS WHAT A LATHE IS:
HOW WOULD HE EVEN CARRY IT?

well, regardless
he goes to the castle with his big sack of useless shit
and he sits down by the fire
and all of a sudden there are all these cats all up ons
they are like hey dude
wanna play poker?
and Hans is like yeah ok
but lemme see your claws first
oh man
those are big claws
i think I’ll pass.
Then he kills them.

Uh?
Yeah.
Then he kills a bunch of other dogs and cats that show up
Killing machine.
I know.

Then the next night all these really ugly dudes come down the chimney
they come down in halves
and then knit themselves together
and then they start bowling
WITH BONES.
SOOOO SPOOKY
but hans doesn’t give a FUCK
he’s just like hey guys
would you like me to use my lathe on those skulls
sos that they roll better as balls
I have a lathe
I brought it JUST FOR THIS PURPOSE
and they are all like sure
and then he bowls with them all night
and they win a couple bucks off him
because he sucks at bowling
just like how he sucks at EVERYTHING ELSE

but he’s still got one more night to go
so what happens on the last night
is these dudes show up with a coffin
and there is a dead guy in the coffin
and as we have already established, hans does not understand death
so he starts spooning with the dead body to try and wake it up
AND IT DOES
and then it thanks him by TRYING TO STRANGLE HIM
so he re-kills it and stuffs it back in the coffin
and then some old dude shows up and challenges him to a feat of strength
which is splitting anvils in half with axes
which hans is so good at that he manages to trap the dude’s beard
inside of the anvil he split
and he won’t let him go until the dude gives him all the castle treasure
cause there is treasure in the castle, obviously
and then he gets to marry the king’s daughter
but he STILL doesn’t know how to shiver and shake

so he’s married to this princess chick
and she is SICK of him bitching about how he can’t shiver and shake
so she asks her maid what to do
and her maid is like girl
all you gotta do to get him to shiver and shake
is tell him about your lady problems
but THAT doesn’t even work
so then they come up with a last ditch plan
which is to throw a bunch of water and frogs on his naked skin while he’s asleep
and it TOTALLY WORKS
and dumbass Hans is SO PLEASED for the REST OF HIS LIFE
which is actually really short because then he gets pneumonia and dies.

so the moral of the story
is that you can pretty much just make decisions at random
and it will probably turn out great.

The end.