Batman is Gifted at Crimefighting, Not so Great at Names

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So Batman
fuck yeah
today we are talking about Batman
but wait
slow your roll
because at the beginning of this story
this dude we are talking about
he ain’t even CALLED batman yet
because what the fuck kind of thing would that be to name your kid?
well okay, that’s not a fair question
it’s a totally rad thing to name a kid
(boy, girl, hermaphrodite, minotaur)
batman is always appropriate as a name for anything that you want to totally rock
but that is only because THIS DUDE
(whose name is BRUCE WAYNE)
WENT OUT OF HIS WAY
TO MAKE BATMAN A SAFE AND SWEET NAME FOR EVERY MAN WOMAN AND CHILD ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH.
He did this by having his parents murdered in front of him.

What’s that you say?
“Having your parents murdered in front of you is totally lame and not sweet at all?”
THAT IS A VERY INSENSITIVE THING TO SAY AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
but I am glad you said that because I was about to say the same thing
but as a rhetorical device though, not a legitimate statement
which I was then going to answer like so:
ahem

IT IS TOTALLY SWEET AND NOT LAME BECAUSE HIS PARENTS GET MURDERED AFTER AN OPERA
WHERE THEY WENT BECAUSE THEY ARE SUPER WEALTHY AND OWN COMPANIES AND SHIT.
Wait, wait
still lame.
Uh…
oh yeah
and they were killed for like NO REASON.
Nope, still lame.
…
They were killed by a dude named Joe Chill?
AWRIIIIIIGHT!

So Joe Chill stabs this dude’s parents
which is a particularly un-chill thing to do
but then again,
what kind of name is Joe Chill?
That’s almost as bad as Batman.
A name like that is practically BEGGING you to stab some dude’s parents.
like “Why do they call you Joe Chill, huh?”
“CAUSE I STAB DUDES’ PARENTS.”
Right.

Look, let’s move on.
even though Bruce Wayne sure as shit ain’t moving on.
He is so stuck on this shit
that he decides to devote his whole life to fighting crime
so he can prevent random murders of opera-going rich-folk like his hardworking billionaire parents.
To that end, he uses a bunch of company funds to go on vacation for a while
and also get super buff
and then he comes back home
back to his wisecracking butler, Alfred
because yeah
dude has a butler
also a giant superhero cave under his house
and a mansion and yachts and DASHING GOOD LOOKS.
Dude has the hookups, is what I’m saying.

Here is what he does with those hookups:
HE USES THEM FOR GOOD
because I am assuming he got all the coke and whores out of his system during his long absence
or maybe he got them into his system
that is probably more like what happened.
How do you get hookers into your system?
don’t think too hard about that one.
ANYWAY
He starts fighting crime
and at first the police are like HELL NAWWW
but then later, they’re like AWWW YEAH
and they make a big spotlight that has a bat on it
because OH YEAH I FORGOT
Bruce Wayne totally has a theme going on
and the theme is bats
because one night he’s like “Man,
I’m super ripped and I have all these high-tech gadgets and a superhero cave
but you know what I don’t have?
A really dumb costume”
and then SCREE-BAM
here comes a bat flying in through his window
like bats tend to do
and Bruce is like “GODDAMN BAT BROKE MY WINDOW
ARE YOU GONNA PAY FOR THAT WINDOW, BAT?”
and the bat is like “I’M A BAT, MOTHERFUCKER.
BATS DON’T PAY FOR SHIT.”
And Bruce Wayne is like “holy shit, that’s perfect
I will aspire to have all the cunning and ingenuity of a man
coupled with all the don’t-give-a-fuck of a bat.
I will call myself … bat … man
because it’s like 3AM and I still gotta clean up all this glass
and I’m pretty drunk and I don’t like thinking”
and then he gets a sweet costume and an army of bats and a bird-themed twink to haul around
and suddenly it’s okay to name your babies Batman.

So the moral of the story
is that you shouldn’t worry about bettering your community
that’s for crazy billionaires in animal suits to take care of.

The End.

Robin Hood: Not as Nice as You Thought

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So Robin Hood
I talked about him before
although mainly I was talking about Maid Marian and how she stomped his ass
but now it is time for you to learn
about how Robin Hood became an outlaw:

So okay
in this version of the story, Robin Hood has a pretty high opinion of himself
or at least his ability to shoot arrows at things
so when he finds out that there’s a big arrow-shooting competition in Nottingham
he’s like SIGN ME UP
except no one can hear him because he’s just yelling at no one
and they haven’t invented bluetooth headsets yet so that doesn’t work.

Anyway, he’s on his way to Nottinghamshire
(shire is a british suffix
that can be applied to basically anything that you want an extra syllable at the end of
see also: -ford, -ington)
and all of a sudden there are these fifteen foresters.
these foresters see Robin Hood and they’re like “HEY KID
WHERE YA GOIN?”
and Robin Hood is like “I’m going to the arrow-shooting competition in Nottinghamshireington”
and these foresters, they are about to bust a collective gut
because as far as they are concerned, there is NO WAY this scrawny asshole can shoot arrows
so Robin Hood is like “I BET YOU 20 BUCKS I CAN KILL A DEER FROM 100 YARDS AWAY”
and they’re like “YOU’RE ON”
so he does it
because what kind of story would this be if he just fucked up and had to pay them 20 bucks?
and then he’s like “Alright guys, pay up”
and they’re like “UH NOPE
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE SHOOT YOU WITH OUR ARROWS.”
so Robin Hood is like “wait
lemme get this straight
yall are about to let me walk away with my bow and arrow
after just having stiffed me for 20 bucks
after having SEEN WHAT I CAN DO WITH MY BOW AND ARROW?”
and the foresters are like “Uh, yeah. What’s wrong with that?”
And Robin Hood is like “Oh nothing. Peace.”

So he takes his arrow and he goes up on top of a hill
and just proceeds to KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE FORESTERS
there’s no warning shots
there’s no attempt to teach them a lesson or leave them with fleshwounds
he is seriously just exploding these dudes’ heads.
Finally there’s only one dude left
and he’s running away
and at this point,
in the words of the ballad,
“Robin Hood he bent his noble bow,
And hee fetcht him back again.”
So basically he’s like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat.
Then he walks up to the forester’s twitching body, and he’s like
“You said I was no archer,
But say so now again”
Translation:
“WHAT WAS THAT BITCH?
I COULDN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF ALL YOUR DEAD FRIENDS.”
Then he shoots an arrow through that dude’s head and splits it in half.

So alright
so far Robin Hood is technically in the right
those dudes DID stiff him for 20 bucks, after all
but see now what happens
is that all the forester’s relatives who live in Nottingham hear the murder sounds
and they come into the woods to see what’s up
so Robin Hood kills EVERYONE
pretty much for no reason
and then obviously he has to become an outlaw, because what the fuck was he thinking?
I don’t even get why these people end up accepting money from him later
he killed like half their dudes!

Anyway, so the moral of the story
is don’t welch on bets
when you are betting against a psychopath.

The end.

Anchises gets MEGALAID

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I was seriously under the impression that i had run out of greek myths.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW THINGS:
YOU GET WRONG.

So Aphrodite is a total ho-bag slupermodel
(a slupermodel is a slut who is also really attractive)
there is documented evidence of this
and meanwhile she is totally laughing her perfect, perfect ass off at all the other gods
like “Haha
I keep making you jerks fall in love with mortals
and then you get them preggers
or else they get YOU preggers
and then your babies DIE
(after a life of epic heroism.)
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
And all the gods are like “fuck this.
Zeus, fix this problem.”
And Zeus is like “Oh, I’ll fix her problems all right.”
And the gods are like “Not like that, Zeus
Not with your penis.
We all know what you are thinking because we are all thinking the exact same thing.”
And Zeus is like “Aww nuts.
Fine.”

So he just crawls into Aphrodite’s brain and makes her in love with this dude Anchises
who is a hunter who lives in a little hut in the woods near Troy
and who just happens to be HOTTER THAN AN EXPOSED HEATING ELEMENT IN AN ANTIQUE IRON
SERIOUSLY THOSE THINGS SUCK IF YOU AREN’T LOOKING OUT FOR THEM.
Basically the point here is
Zeus is shitty at pranking people
because he didn’t even think to pull some Midsummer Night’s Dream shit
and make her fall in love with like a leper or a big basket of sea urchins or something.
NOPE.
SEXIEST DUDE EVER.
WAY TO GO ZEUS.
Also, since when does Zeus have the power to make chicks fall in love?
I thought his power was to make chicks fall in rape
and even then, only with him.
This superpower is NON-CANON.

But whatever
The point is that Aphrodite is giving Anchises the ol’ once-over
and poppin’ ladyboners like erotic popcorn.
(have you ever had erotic popcorn, my friends?
That shit is disgusting.)
So what she does
is she pimps the FUCK out of her bad self
and by the time she meteor-slams into earth she is SO BONERDACIOUS
that wherever she goes she leaves a trail of COPULATING LEOPARDS IN HER WAKE.
NO JOKE.
THIS CHICK HAS SO MUCH RAW ANIMAL MAGNETISM
THAT IT’S GETTING COOKED ON THE SICK FIRES OF HER HOTNESS
AND THEN THE AROMAS ARE ATTRACTING CARNIVORIOUS FUCKING BEASTS
WHO THEN PROCEED TO BONE.

So Anchises is chillin’ at the crib
and he hears the unmistakeable sound of wolves fucking
and he opens the door to find THE HOTTEST FLESHBISCUIT HE HAS EVER LAID EYES ON.
So he’s like “holy shit
you are obviously a goddess
no other type of female is constantly accompanied by a retinue of horny jungle cats
(with the possible exception of horny female jungle cats)
so uh
thank you for showing up at my humble abode?
please don’t kill me?
Oh! Oh! I know!
I’ll build you an altar.
Bitches love altars.”
And Aphrodite is like “BITCH I DON’T WANT NO ALTAR
AND I AIN’T NO GODDESS.
I’m just a really
really
amazingly hot chick
who was frolicking with all my amazingly hot friends
(none of whom are even close to as hot as me)
when all of a sudden there were bandits or maybe a fire
and then HERMES showed up
and then instead of prank-sexing me like any self-respecting god would have
he teleported me over here and told me to have sex with YOU.”
because THAT is what passes for plausible on the outskirts of Troy.

So Anchises is like “You don’t have to tell ME twice.”
Except he doesn’t say it with his mouth
he says it with his dick
oh, also Aphrodite totally hit him with her love spells
not that she needed to
I mean come on
dude lives in the woods BY HIMSELF.
But anyway he drags her ass over to his bed
which is made from the skins of lions and bears
ALL OF WHICH HE KILLED HIMSELF
and if Aphrodite is like ANY DOUBTS I HAD ABOUT THIS SEX WERE JUST DISPELLED RIGHT NOW.
Then they commence to copulate.
Then Anchises falls asleep
because it is hard work keeping up with Aphrodite in the sack, ok?

But when he wakes up he is in for a BIG SURPRISE
because Aphrodite has morphed into ultimate goddess form
and he gets one whiff of her divine radiance and he’s like “WOMAN
YOU ASSURED ME THAT YOU WERE NOT A GODDESS
THAT AND YOUR IRRESISTIBLE HOTNESS WERE THE ONLY TWO REASONS I AGREED TO THIS ARRANGEMENT.
Look, I know how the story goes from here
you get angry at me for no reason
and my flesh ends up getting used to decorate one of your ceremonial dildos.
Nuh uh
I want out.
All I ever wanted was a simple life
and no-strings-attached celestial poon.
Is that too much to ask?”
And Aphrodite is like “No, actually.
See I actually got pranked into doing this
and it’s totally not your fault
and anyway you just put a baby inside of me
so I kinda need to have that now
and then I’m gonna raise it for 5 years and then you can have it back.
But don’t you DARE tell anyone about this shit
because I DO have a ceremonial dildo that needs reupholstering.”
And Anchises is like “Yeah yeah no problem.”
But come on
you can’t not brag about something like that.
So he does
and then he gets struck by lightning
but it’s okay, because his son turns out to be pretty famous.
His name is Aeneas
maybe you’ve heard of him?

So the moral of the story
is that it’s no use going out and trying to get dudes/babes.
Better just to chill out on top of a mountain
and let the god/esses come to YOU.

THE END.

INTER-FUCKING-MISSION

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Okay
today I am very very tired
and I have hours of homework to do before I go to sleep
and I do not feel like doing research
so instead
I am going to tell you a story from my life
and if you have a problem with that
well
you can go re-read any of the 300-plus myths I already done told
I’m doing something different today, ok?
if we were in a committed romantic relationship, you and me
and instead of telling you myths I was having sex with you
well..
okay
first of all don’t take that metaphor the wrong way
but second of all I bet you would be POSITIVELY OVERJOYED
at the thought of me mixing shit up a little bit in the bedroom
because frankly I am pretty bad at sex
no matter how many songs I have written to the contrary
and really I’m just grateful you’ve agreed to sleep with me at all, dear reader
wait
look
okay
nevermind

SO THIS IS A STORY FROM WHEN I FIRST MOVED TO CHICAGO
this was what
like almost a year ago, now?
jeeze.
anyway, when I first moved to chicago I was staying in a pretty bad neighborhood
because I was waiting to move into an apartment i’d found
in a slightly less pretty bad neighborhood
and being a dumbass
I was headed back to the house one night at 3AM
walking down the sidewalk
and this skinny white dude with cornrows walks up next to me
like “Hey dude
wanna buy a gun?”
And I’m like “Uh
no!
Thank you!”
And he’s like “Oh ok.
…
Are you sure?”
And I’m like “yep! Thanks anyway!”
So he’s like “Ok, cool.”
Then he stops walking and I keep walking.

So I make it about another half a block when the dude catches up to me
he basically just runs up next to me and starts listing the features of the gun
he’s like “Dude, it’s a semiautomatic, colt 45, 13 in the clip, shoots hollow bees at your enemies”
whatever, I don’t know what guns are like
he was saying SOMETHING, is the point
and I’m just like “Really man, I appreciate your sales pitch, but I’m good
I sincerely do not need a firearm at this time.”
So he’s like “Alright, alright.
Well lemme ask you something then:
You got any money?
Cause I’m try’na get something to eat.”
So I think about the all of ten dollars I have in my wallet
and my no job
and the fact that this is already MAXIMALLY SHADY
and I say “Nah man, I’m sorry.”
so he steps around in front of me
and now I can see where his shirt’s tucked in over the gun he tried to sell me
and he’s like “Alright now I’m gonna ask you one more time
and I want you to be straight with me cause I don’t wanna have to put a couple in ya:
You got any money?
Cause I’m try’na get something to eat.”

Well fuuuuuuuuck.
This is what happens when you come home at 3AM, my friends
but like I said
I am a dumbass
so I think on my feet
and my feet, you see, don’t have shoes on them
because I don’t wear shoes
(this is a fact you should know about me, and now you do)
so I’m like “Man, I already got mugged.
See? They took my shoes!”
And he’s like “Well why didn’t they take your bag?”
pointing, of course, to the leather satchel I’m carrying
and also the bag of art supplies I just bought at Blick.
Nice.
But I’m already lying to the dude, I might as well own it
so I say “you wanna look in my bag? There is NOTHING worth taking in my bag.”
And he’s like “Nah man, it’s cool. But what about THAT?”
(he’s pointing at my cell phone, which is bulging in my pocket)
and at this point, against all odds, I’m starting to get angry
so I pull out my phone
which is this battlescarred piece of shit
that I have at various points used as both a juggling prop and a weapon for beaning cats with
and I’m like “Do you want my shitty phone? Here. Take my shitty phone.”
and he’s like “Nah man, I don’t want your shitty phone.
What about your wallet?”
And I’m like “Uh… they took my wallet
you know
when they mugged me?”
And he’s like “WHAT ABOUT YOUR WALLET??”
And I’m thinking “fuck, okay
it is better to lose my wallet than get shot and maybe death-humped by this crazy asshole
so I fish out my wallet and I hand it to him
and he opens it up
and he pulls out the ten dollars that are in there
and he’s like “Ten dollars?”

“I don’t want your ten dollars”
and he puts the money back in my wallet and hands it to me like it stinks
and then he turns around and walks away
and I’m basically about to shit myself at this point, obviously
when he turns around and he’s like “Hey man
are you staying around here?”
And I’m like “Yeah, why?”
And he’s like “My name’s Keith. I live at this house right over here.
If you ever need anything, hit me up!”
And I’m like “Alright man… will do…”
Then he’s like “Hey, did somebody really steal your shoes?”
And like I said, I was already committed to the lie so I’m like “Yeah, man.”
of course he asks me what kind of shoes they were
so I stutter a little bit and then tell him I’m a rare shoe collector
and that they were a limited edition pair of jordans
at which point he tells me he probably knows who took them
and that we can go over to their house right now
and beat the shit out of them and get my shoes back.
I had to talk him down and convince him that I had plenty more shoes back home.
Then he tried to sell me weed.
I do not know where he thought I was going to get the money.
He had, after all, seen my wallet.

So, I guess the moral of the story
is that the most effective anti-theft measure
is being poor.

The end.

The Boy Who Couldn’t Not Be an Idiot

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so there’s these two fuckin kids right
one is smart
the other is wayyyy dumb
and this story is a fairytale
so obviously it is about the dumb kid
but there are a few details you should know about the smart kid
one:
he’s a HUUUUUGE pansy
every time someone tells a ghost story or it gets cold
he is shivering and shaking all over the place
and the dumb kid
whose name is hans
is SUPER JEALOUS OF THIS FACT
probably because he is dumb
actually that is the only detail you need to know about the smart kid
now he is out of the story

okay so one day Hans’s dad is like SON GET A JOB
and Hans is like dad I will get a job
as soon as I learn to shiver and shake like my big bro
and his dad is like SON THAT IS YOUR DUMBEST STATEMENT
IN A LIFETIME OF DUMB STATEMENTS
WELL DONE
then he goes to his local minister to ask what to do about his dumb son
and the minister is like don’t worry man
I will scare the shit out of your son for you
lemme give him a job ringing bells for me

so that is what he does
and one night Hans is going up to ring the bell
at like midnight
because the assholes who run this church wanna wake everybody up all night long
and the minister has dressed up as a SPOOOOKY GHOST
and he is standing on the steps in the belltower
and Hans is like hey dude
who are you
get out of my way
and the minister doesn’t say anything because he figures that’s pretty spooky
but the problem is that you need to have an imagination to get scared by ghosts
so instead Hans just kicks him down the stairs and then gets fired

so his dad kicks him out of the house
for being worthless and injuring the local minister
he’s like son
here’s fifty bucks
get the fuck out of my house and never mention that you are my son
and Hans is like ok dad no problem
so he starts walking
and this dude walks up to him like hey dude
I bet you fifty bucks I can teach you how to shiver and shake
CLEARLY THIS GENTLEMAN HAS BEEN FOLLOWING HANS FOR A WHILE
so Hans is like uh DUH
of COURSE i want to make this stupid bet
so the dude takes him to a clearing where SEVEN DUDES HAVE BEEN HANGED
and he’s like alright man
spend the night watching these dead bodies swing back and forth
THAT’LL teach you to shiver and shake

so Hans hangs out there all night
but apparently you need an imagination to determine that hanged guys are dead
so he assumes these guys are just cold
you know
from hanging b the neck for so long
and he cuts them down and puts them all by his fire
so they catch on fire, obviously
and he gets angry at them for their poor fire skills
so then he goes and re-hangs all seven flaming corpses
and when the dude comes back in the morning to collect the 50 bucks
he’s just like uh
holy shit
and then he leaves.

So Hans gets a ride into town
and he’s in the inn, muttering about how he wants to learn to shiver and shit
and the innkeeper is like HAVE I GOT A QUEST FOR YOU:
LOOK
RIGHT HERE:
LOCAL KING SEEKS DUDE TO SLEEP FOR THREE NIGHTS IN HAUNTED CASTLE
and Hans is like HAUNTED CASTLE?
PERFECT!!!

so he goes to the king like yo king I will sleep in your castle
and the king is like seriously?
sweet!
Do you need any food or anything?
and Hans is like nah
just a carving knife, a cutting board, and a LATHE
GUYS
THIS IS WHAT A LATHE IS:
HOW WOULD HE EVEN CARRY IT?

well, regardless
he goes to the castle with his big sack of useless shit
and he sits down by the fire
and all of a sudden there are all these cats all up ons
they are like hey dude
wanna play poker?
and Hans is like yeah ok
but lemme see your claws first
oh man
those are big claws
i think I’ll pass.
Then he kills them.

Uh?
Yeah.
Then he kills a bunch of other dogs and cats that show up
Killing machine.
I know.

Then the next night all these really ugly dudes come down the chimney
they come down in halves
and then knit themselves together
and then they start bowling
WITH BONES.
SOOOO SPOOKY
but hans doesn’t give a FUCK
he’s just like hey guys
would you like me to use my lathe on those skulls
sos that they roll better as balls
I have a lathe
I brought it JUST FOR THIS PURPOSE
and they are all like sure
and then he bowls with them all night
and they win a couple bucks off him
because he sucks at bowling
just like how he sucks at EVERYTHING ELSE

but he’s still got one more night to go
so what happens on the last night
is these dudes show up with a coffin
and there is a dead guy in the coffin
and as we have already established, hans does not understand death
so he starts spooning with the dead body to try and wake it up
AND IT DOES
and then it thanks him by TRYING TO STRANGLE HIM
so he re-kills it and stuffs it back in the coffin
and then some old dude shows up and challenges him to a feat of strength
which is splitting anvils in half with axes
which hans is so good at that he manages to trap the dude’s beard
inside of the anvil he split
and he won’t let him go until the dude gives him all the castle treasure
cause there is treasure in the castle, obviously
and then he gets to marry the king’s daughter
but he STILL doesn’t know how to shiver and shake

so he’s married to this princess chick
and she is SICK of him bitching about how he can’t shiver and shake
so she asks her maid what to do
and her maid is like girl
all you gotta do to get him to shiver and shake
is tell him about your lady problems
but THAT doesn’t even work
so then they come up with a last ditch plan
which is to throw a bunch of water and frogs on his naked skin while he’s asleep
and it TOTALLY WORKS
and dumbass Hans is SO PLEASED for the REST OF HIS LIFE
which is actually really short because then he gets pneumonia and dies.

so the moral of the story
is that you can pretty much just make decisions at random
and it will probably turn out great.

The end.

Not to be Confused with A Knight’s Tale

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so there’s these dudes
(as usual)
they are on a pilgrimage to canterbury
because that is where the cathedral is at
and dudes love makin’ pilgrimages to cathedrals
but it’s a long way to canterbury from wherever the fuck they are
and no one thought to bring an automobile
INTO THE PAST, WHERE THIS STORY TAKES PLACE
so they’ve gotta find creative ways to not be very bored
because nobody brought internet either.

So this one dude, who runs an inn back home
is like “Guys, I have a great idea
let’s have a storytelling contest.
Ready set go!”
And then this knight steps up to the storytelling plate all like “ahem:

So back in ancient Greecetimes there was this dude named Theseus
you may remember him as the serial womanizer who killed a furry and then fell off a cliff
or the wacky dad from A Midsummer Night’s Dream
[seriously, what is it with these English dudes and romanticizing this Greek asshole?]
anyway, this guy is just walking through greeceland
and he sees Thebes and he is like
“that looks like a nice city
FOR ME TO CONQUER ON.”
then he goes inside and kills everyone.

But he forgot to kill TWO DUDES.
They are covered in debris, but they are still totally alive
and Theseus is like “SWEET!
An opportunity to prove my incredible mercy
despite the fact that I just murdered like a whole city.
Quick!
Guards!
Heal these men’s wounds
and then
throw them in prison forever.
MERCY HOORAYYYY”

So these two dudes
who are named Arcite and Palamon
and who are also cousins
wake up in this jail cell way at the top of this tower
and they’re like “wow, this sucks”
but at least their jail cell has a nice view
and when I say nice view
I mean MEGA-NICE
like a class-a penthouse garden view
complete with hot chick.
Yep, there is a hot chick down there.
She is Theseus’s daughter and her name is Emelye
because during the dark ages we all forgot how to spell.

So Arcite and Palamon both practically bust through the walls with their rock hard boners
which are instead shooting out through the iron bars and casting tremendous shadows over Emelye
But as often happens when boners protrude too far
it is not long before these two cousins start FENCING
(WITH THEIR DICKS, I MEAN
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE THAT CLEAR.
THERE WILL BE REAL FENCING LATER, NO WORRIES.)
Arcite is like “Dude, I saw her first!”
And Palamon is like “Dude:
First’s the worst
second’s the best
fuck off now while I touch her breasts.”
And it starts to really suck in that tiny jail cell
because there is nothing worse than sharing a cell with your cousin who hates you
and ALSO you want to bang a chick but you can’t.
It is a common problem, I hear.

And that is why Arcite takes the first opportunity to pull some political strings
and bust out of jail
but he only gets out on the condition that he has to leave Thebes and never come back
which sucks, because pretty much the whole reason he busted out
was to try and bone Emelye
so now he’s bummed
and Palamon is bummed too
because he figures Arcite is just gonna bust into the city and force-sex Emelye any minute.
Dear reader, who do you think is worse off,
Arcite or Palamoun?

BZZ
TIME’S UP
IT WAS A TRICK QUESTION
ARCITE IS BETTER OFF
BECAUSE HE IS NOT IN FUCKING PRISON
MAN, ARE YOU GUYS ALL DUMB?
YOU SEEM DUMB.

Ahem:
So Arcite is pinin’ away
and Palamoun is too
so Arcite disguises himself as a hobo and busts into Thebes
and Palamon disguises himself as a badass and busts out of prison
and then they run into each other in the woods
and immediately start beating the shit out of each other
and since beating the shit out of each other is one of the most conspicuous things you can do
during any kind of daring getaway/infiltration
it’s not long before Theseus rolls up and is like “uh hey
guys
what are you both doing out of prison?
I think probably I need to do that killing you thing that I didn’t do earlier.”
But then all the ladies are like “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WE LIKE DUDES WHO IDISCRIMINATELY VIOLENCE EACH OTHER.”
And Theseus is like “Duh, I know, that’s pretty much why we do it all the time.”
and the ladies are like “Okay then if you don’t want to block Emelye’s ladycock
you will totally spare these dudes
so that they can FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE
and everyone is like “Aw sweet.”

Theseus gets REAL jazzed about this plan.
He gets so jazzed, that he builds an ARENA for them to fight in
FROM FUCKING SCRATCH.
And I’m not talking about just a few pieces of plywood and some racing stripes
naw dudes
this thing has THREE TEMPLES in it
THREE
WHY WOULD YOU NEED TO GO TO A TEMPLE IN THE MIDDLE OF A GLADIATORIAL MATCH?
TO HAVE SEX?
THAT’S ALL PEOPLE SEEM TO USE TEMPLES FOR IN GREEK MYTHS.
But not in this story.
This is a respectable story.
And these temples are for respectable gods:
Diana
Venus
and Mars
(ahahaha …. respectable)

anyway, the night before the big murder match
everyone starts sneaking into these temples to do prayers.
First, Emelye sneaks into the temple of Diana
because it turns out she totally DOESN’T want to get her bone on with Arcite OR Palamon
so she’s like “Hey Diana, guard my vag, yeah?”
And Diana is just like “nope.”
And then she blows out all the candles in the temple
using a word that also means “vagina.”
just to add insult to injury
also i think something starts bleeding
it is a metaphor for how dudes are gonna have sex with her.

So that’s great for her
but meanwhile Palamon is busy checking out the temple of Venus
and he’s like “Yo, Venus
lemme get the girl, k?”
And venus is like “yeah no problem”
but she’s kinda hard to understand
because she’s got her mouth on Mars’s dick while she says it.
Next time your prayers go unanswered, imagine that this is what is happening.
But anyway, Palamon walks out of there feeling pretty good
as does Mars, I imagine.

Speaking of mars
now it is Arcite’s turn to go into a temple
and by process of elimination
that temple has to be the temple of mars
so Arcite is like “Yo mars, let me win the fight tomorrow”
and mars is like “What? Oh, yeah, sure.
You win.
Oh god Venus that feels so good don’t stop.”

So eventually Mars and Venus sober up
and realize they basically just made totally contradictory promises just now
(this is why you should never fuck and grant wishes at the same time, my friends)
but that’s when Zeus rolls in like “Naw, I got this.”
So the next morning the two dudes get ready to fight
and Theseus is like “Awright guys
no groin shots
stab each other with swords
go”
and then they do
and Arcite totally wreck’s palamon’s shit
he gets him down on the ground with a sword all up in his neck
and Palamon is like “Okay, dude. you win, you win.
Thanks a lot, Venus.”
And Venus is like “fuuuuuuck”
but Zeus is like “Nah babe it’s cool. Check it out:”
And then an EARTHQUAKE appears
and causes Arcite to do a backflip off his horse and land on his neck
so he dies, obviously
and on his death bed he’s like “Hey Emelye…
hey…
you should totally marry my best bro Palamon.
He will not mind…
getting sloppy seconds…
or anything…”
And Emelye thinks about it for a while
and during that while, she stays real sad
but then eventually Theseus is like “Bitch, stop being such a downer”
and then she gets her shit together and marries Palamon
and the two of them bang happily ever after.

So the moral of the story
is you should never sacrifice your best friendship for the sake of a romance
because there will always be time to get with that chick AFTER your best friend is dead.

The end.”

And then this drunk dude busts in and tells a story about butts
but THAT’S a story for another time.

This is a little late, but whatever

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So back in crazy old-times ireland
there was this dude named patrick
pat for short
saint patrick for long
Maewyn Succat if you want to get technical
actually he didn’t start out in ireland
he started out in scotland or britain or something
but then he got kidnapped by pirates
beat the SHIT out of them
and then had a dream that was like “Hey saint patrick
you should go to ireland
they need more christianity in ireland”

So he asks the pope if that’s cool, and the pope is like “yeah ok”
so he goes to ireland and he starts converting the fuck out of some pagans
he does this thing where he goes to towns that need converting
and he jams his staff into the ground while he preaches
so that he will have his hands free for FURIOUS GESTICULATION
one time it takes so long for him to convert all the pagan dudes in this one village
that his staff grows roots and turns into a tree
that is a long time
like pretty much an improbably long time

anyway, cut to a while later
Saint Patrick is sitting on a hill getting his pray on
when all of a sudden a bunch of SNAKES show up
they’re like HISSSS WE ARE SNAKES WE DO NOT LIKE CHRISTIANITY
YOU MAY RECALL THAT ONE OF US TOTALLY FUCKED UP PARADISE
and Saint Patrick is like OH I REMEMBER ALL RIGHT
FUCK OFF, SNAKES
and they do
they fuck off so hard that they fuck off into the ocean and drown
and that is why to this day
ireland is 100% snake free
(as a side note
saint patrick is not the only mythical dude who liked to beat the shit out of snakes)

but guys
here is where science steps in and ruins everything
because according to all the ecologists on wikipedia
BLUH BLUH BLUH
WE ARE ECOLOGISTS
SNAKES NEVER EXISTED IN IRELAND EVER BECAUSE OF SCIENCE SHIT
whatever, scientists
are you really going to ruin this for me?
WHY CAN YOU NOT LET ME IMAGINE A RAD DUDE WHO CAN TELL SNAKES TO PISS OFF?
WHAT AM I HARMING BY IMAGINING THIS TOTALLY SWEET AND LEGIT SCENARIO?
GOD.

Okay so
the moral of the story
is that science is only good for three things:
robots, time travel and explosions

the end.

Bartholomew Cubbins is a P-I-M-P

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Okay so there’s this kid who has some crandberries
his name is Bartholomew Cubbins
he lives in the projects in a kingdom called Didd
which is how he feels every time he has to go sell these fucking cranberries.

The only nice thing this dude owns
(other than the cranberries
which are only debatably nice)
is this pimp-ass red hat
with a feather that manages to stick STRAIGHT UP
no matter how much poverty it is subjected to.

So one day Bartholomew goes into town with his cranberries and his cranberry basket
and he’s about to start hustling some cranberries all up in these streets
okay is it just me or does it sound like this kid is a drug dealer?
maybe that’s just because I kinda made it sound that way on purpose.
Whatever.
Look, the point is he doesn’t even get to sell even one baggie of crack
before the MOTHERFUCKING KING APPEARS
with the silver trumpets blaring and whatnot
(as a sidenote
while i was listening to the record of this story
i noticed that this is totally where this DJ called Wax Tailor
got like half his samples for this song called Sit and Listen
which is a really sweet song
and also totally irrelevant to everybody who doesn’t know who wax tailor is.
Good thing I’m writing this myth and not you
because otherwise we all would have missed out on this delightful tidbit)
Anyway there’s a rule in these parts
that whenever the king is in town
dudes gotta take off their hats
so Bartholomew takes off his hat
and then the king rolls up and he’s like HEY
KID
I BELIEVE THERE IS A RULE ABOUT TAKING OFF YOUR HAT WHEN I AM IN TOWN
and Bartholomew is like yeah that sounds right
and the King is like AHEM
I BELIEVE YOU ARE WEARING A HAT RIGHT NOW SIR
and Bartholomew is like no I’m not man I just took off my hat a second agOHHH SHIIIIIT
because then he reaches up and finds ANOTHER hat on top of his head
so he takes it off and apologizes profusely
but then there is ANOTHER hat
and ANOTHER
it is like his skull is a clowncar
except instead of clowns it is hats
and it is SO MUCH FREAKIER TO IMAGINE IT THAT WAY THAN THE WAY IT REALLY IS.
Anyway then the king is like YOU’RE FREAKING ME OUT DUDE
YOU’RE UNDER ARREST.

So they take Bartholomew in for questioning
even though it is obvious what is wrong:
dude has some kind of … scalp disease?
Wait I lied
what the fuck is going on?
Well, everyone tries diligently to answer that question
all the while knocking more and more hats off this kid’s head.
They bring in a hatmaker
they bring in some wise men
and with their combined expertise
they manage to knock four more hats of bartholomew’s head
then they bring in the archduke
who is this dick named Wilfred
who just keeps firing arrows at Bartholomew
and missing his face and hitting his hat and then there are more hats
and then they’re like wait
why don’t we bring in our wizards to fix this.

WAIT
THEY HAD WIZARDS THIS WHOLE TIME?
INFINITE HATS SEEMS TO BE LIKE THE QUINTESSENTIAL WIZARD PROBLEM.
WHEN I SEE A DUDE WITH INFINITE HATS
well
first of all I never see that
and second of all I don’t have wizards
BUT IF I DID
and IF I SAW THAT
IT WOULD BE MOTHERFUCKING WIZARDS FROM DAY ONE
but actually the wizards turn out to be pretty useless
because they can only cast spells that will take effect seven years from now
kinda like congress.
Still
this doesn’t explain why everybody’s surprised about this hat thing
if you’ve got wizards around
this shit is bound to happen.

Anyway at this point the king is out of ideas
so he figures he better just kill this guy
because he hates being confused and murder generally solves confusion
by making less of whatever it is you’re confused about.
So he sends bartholomew down to the executioner
and the executioner is like uh
we have a rule
no getting your head chopped off without removing your hat first.
WHAT IS IT WITH THIS KIGNDOM AND DUMB RULES ABOUT HATS?
So obviously they can’t kill Bartholomew
so he just struts into the throne room again
dope as you please
surrounded by hat-dunes as far as the eye can see
and Wilfred is like hey wait a second
decapitation is not the only way to murder people
we have this tall-ass castle to drop people out of, too!
and Bartholomew is like WILFRED YOU ARE SUCH A DICK
and the king is like I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK, WILFRED

so they’re dragging bartholomew up to the top of the castle
and all the while
he is shedding more hats like a whole shipping container full of british gentlemen
but then SUDDENLY
THE HATS START GETTING DOPE AS SHIT
IT IS LIKE THE HATS ARE FUCKING UNDERNEATH THE OTHER HATS
AND PRODUCING FUCKED-UP GLAMMED-OUT HATBABIES
so Bartholomew gets real caught up in upgrading his domewear
seeing as this is the hat he’s gonna be buried in
and then he pulls off his four-hundred-and-ninety-ninth hat
and underneath it is THE MOST LUDICROUSLY UNNECESSARY PIECE OF HEADGEAR IN EXISTENCE
it is like a septuple-decker crowncake topped in rhinestones and charisma
it is what would happen if Frank Lloyd Wright had designed the leaning tower of pizza
but everyone forgot to tell him it was actually supposed to be a hat
this hat
is FUCKING NUTS.

So the king sees it and he’s like
I WILL GIVE YOU FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR THAT HAT
and Bartholomew is like SOLD.
and then he gives it to the king and THERE ARE NO MORE HATS UNDERNEATH IT
it is like his scalp disease used up all its hat energy on this monster
and then he gets 500 bucks and he goes home
and his mom whups his ass for losing the cranberry basket
and then the castle janitors dump the other 400 or so hats into the ocean
and baby dolphins choke on them and die.

So the moral of the story
is that persistence is the key to success
especially if you are an executioner
and you need to remove someone’s hat to execute them.
Seriously, if he’d just kept going this story would have been a lot different.

The end.

King Muchukunda Knows How To Get His Nap On

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Alright guys
so there’s a rumor going around about this book I am writing.
Well here’s the deal guys:
Because of the way publishers work
(which you should not ask me to explain, because I do not know)
My book is not going to be coming out until NEXT MARCH
so you are going to have to sit tight and try not to forget I exist
FOR LIKE A YEAR
which is bullshit, I know
but sometimes life is bullshit
sometimes it isn’t, though
sometimes it is hilarious and filled with rad explosions
like for example in this hindu story:

So fertility potions, right?

We’ve all heard of them
mostly while perusing our spam folders
but did you know
that shit is for CHICKS ONLY?
Yeah, dudes are not supposed to drink that stuff
sorry dudes
mannyxx74.horselegs@dickheaven.cx was lying to you.

Perhaps I should explain.
See back in ancient hindu times
this random dude gets the Brahmin to make a fertility potion for his wife
but then he gets thirsty/amnesia and just drinks it himself
and gets PREGNANT
and then has to have THE MOST BRUTAL C-SECTION.
Yeah
it’s not pretty.

But what IS pretty
is the son what gets birthed out his meathole.
This son is named King Muchukunda
because even before he is smart enough to stop shitting himself constantly
this dude is A-1 king material
the prevailing theory being
that there was no sissy vagina to wussify this baby out
which honestly I think is pretty sexist.

ANYWAY
true to form, it is not long before Muchukunda is king
and he is SUCH A GOOD KING
that the gods at one point get fed up with their constant war against demons
and they’re like “Hey Muchukunda
solve this for us?”
Dudes
if you are ever in a position where gods hit you up for advice
i feel like you have either won the universe
or found a universe with really weaksauce gods.
Maybe the two go hand in hand.
Whatever
the point is, Muchukunda solves the demon problem permanently and with the greatest of ease
so then the gods are like “Damn, dude
you just killed all the demons.
That’s more we could do in ALL OF OUR INFINITE LIFESPANS
HOW ABOUT SOME BOONS FOR THIS KING OVER HERE.
WHAT KIND OF BOONS WOULD YOU LIKE?
MEGABOONS, OR ULTRABOONS?”
and Muchukunda is like “Well actually
I’m pretty tired after solving all your problems.
I think I just want to go take a nap
FOREVER
AND ANYONE WHO WAKES ME UP GETS SET ON FIRE BECAUSE I WILL HAVE HEAT VISION.”
And all the gods are like “Okay, yeah, that sounds fair.”

So they put Muchukunda to sleep
and they give him heat vision and bury him under a mountain.
They don’t even pull a dick move and put him in the middle of like
a busy intersection or something
where he would constantly be getting woke up and setting dudes on fire
even though that would be hilarious
because these are GODS
not some bullshit genies.

So years and years and megayears pass
and Muchukunda is STILL asleep
and meanwhile that big hunk of ultragod, Vishnu
manages to get himself incarnated as this little rascal named Krishna
and since Krishna is basically just some dude-shaped godsauce
he has no problem becoming king of most of the things that are nearby
nearby the KNOWN WORLD, that is.
Anyway, shit is pretty sweet
(not literal shit
although maybe yes
they SAY Krishna’s kingdom was a utopia
although I don’t know if I’d EVER want to eat shit
even in a utopia
wait
ESPECIALLY in a utopia.)
until suddenly a barbarian shows up
and Krishna could just crush him with god powers
except instead he decides to be a rapscallion about it
and lure the dude into a cave
and then hide
and the cave he picks
happens to be where MUCHUKUNDA IS SLEEPING

so the barbarian lord busts into the cave and he’s like HA HA
THOUGHT YOU COULD DISGUISE YOURSELF AS A SLEEPING DUDE, DID YOU?
THAT IS SO STUPID I SHOULDN’T EVEN CONSIDER IT AS AN OPTION.
OH WELL, TIME TO WAKE YOU UP WITH MY SWORD.
So he does
and then Muchukunda incinerates him with his heat vision
and then he turns around to incinerate Krishna
because really it’s all Krishna’s fault
but then he realizes who Krishna is
and he’s like oh man
I almost made a BIIIIG mistake
i guess I better go outside and see what the world is like, huh?

so he does
but it turns out everyone just got real short
and he gets tired of bumping his head on doorways
so he moves to the mountains and becomes a sage
and probably takes many more successful naps.

so the moral of the story
is you need to get off your ass.
Come on
you can sleep when the gods grant you a boon after you destroy ALL THE DEMONS.

The end.

Drums are Good For More Than Just Funky Beats

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I didn’t know they had shamans in Russia
but guess what?
THEY TOTALLY DO.
There is this tribe of dudes called the Buriat
and these dudes are pretty much DROWNING in shamans
in fact, i think i feel a story about one of them coming on right now
OH SHIT HERE IT IS

So Morgon-Kara is the first shaman of the Buriat tribes ever had
and he is EXCEEDINGLY COMPETENT
he is so competent
that he can BRING BACK THE DEAD.
That is more than competence my friends.
That is
dare I say
WITCHCRAFT?
Whatever
this dude don’t give a fuck.
He gives so few fucks
that eventually the lord of the dead actually FILES A COMPLAINT ABOUT HIM WITH GOD.
Guys
I don’t care who you are or what you are accused of
if it caused a GOD to pass your name UP THE CHAIN OF COMMAND
you are doing pretty well in my book.

So God is like “I’m about to school this chump.”
and what he does
is he takes some random dude’s soul
and stuffs it in a bottle
and then covers the opening of the bottle with his thumb
like you might do if you wanted to kill an insect and you were a big jerk
and apparently souls need oxygen
because it’s not long before the guy whose soul it is starts getting REAL SICK
so of course he calls up the resident shaman
who happens to be Morgon-Kara
because honestly
if you have a shaman who can raise the fucking dead
you are not going to mess around with any piddling imitators
this dude’s schedule must be PACKED.
I wonder how much he charges?
I wonder how much health insurance was in ancient Siberia
I wonder if shamans are covered under health insurance
because if so
why am I wasting my time with all these fucking doctors
I bet this dude could’ve just turned my erectile dysfunction into a hot chick or something

ANYWAY
Morgon-Kara comes over to this dude’s place and he’s like “alright man
lemme go ahead and take your blood pressure
your temperature
okay, okay, good…
now it is time to go on a badass adventure to find your soul so i can fix it
SEE?
SO MUCH BETTER THAN A REAL DOCTOR.
So he jumps on his GIANT MAGIC DRUM
and starts rocking out to some INCREDIBLE BEATS
these beats are so incredible
they override gravity
and the drum just starts zooming all over the place
including INTO HEAVEN where God is
and before too long
he sees God sitting up there
just choking the shit out of that dude’s soul in a bottle.
I just like the image of an all-powerful celestial authority
with nothing better to do than hold his thumb over the mouth of a beer bottle
just to prove a point about how a sassy shaman isn’t as great as he thinks.
I mean, whose side is God on?
Shouldn’t he be happy that humans have figured out a way to deal with that whole death thing?
I mean if you’re an all-powerful creator
i feel like death has got to be like
the big inksplotch you accidentally left at the corner of the canvas
the one that kinda looks like balls
and if I was god, I would probably be like SWEET
WAY TO DO MY JOB FOR ME ONCE AGAIN, HUMANS
but instead he’s got to cater to the whining of his death god
and I don’t even get why “death god” needs to be a job
that’s like if they invented a managerial position at wal-mart
called chief supervisor of punching you in the balls
it’s just not good business sense
what kind of universe is this dude running here?
where is the invisible hand of the market when you need it?
Fuck!

uh… where was i?
Oh yeah, the bottle.

So Morgon-Kara sees God busy being a jerkass
so he turns himself into a wasp
because that is ANOTHER thing he can do
and then he stings the SHIT out of God’s face
so he’s like “OW FUCK” and starts grabbing his face and letting go of the bottle
and the dude’s soul is like “AAAAA I’M FREE NOW!”
and the dude gets better
and everyone is a little unnerved to learn
that their universe is being run by a dude who not only doesn’t give a fuck about them
but also can be easily overcome by a guy pretending to be an insect
although actually
those two facts taken together kinda cancel each other out
it would probably be worse if it was just one or the other.

Anyway, then Morgon-Kara is running away on his sweet flying drum
but a flying drum is not the best implement of stealth
given that in order to make it go
you have got to rock out with the combined angular momentum of a THOUSAND COCKS COMING OUT
so god hears these shamanistic dicks flying into his ears and he’s like “MORGON-KARA
HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY SPECIAL FUCKING-WITH-MORTALS TIME”
and then he REALLY shows Morgon-Kara what’s what
by breaking his drum in half.

Wait
that’s it?
That’s all he can do?
He doesn’t even make the drum unusable
he cuts it in half circumference-wise
so that Morgon-Kara can still use it as a fucking drum!
This guy SUCKS!

But yeah
then morgon-kara lives happily ever after
although his beats are marginally less phat than they used to be.

So the moral of the story
is that you should always try to be good enough at your job
that it pisses off god.

THE END.