Krishna Waltzes Right Into A Womb

so a long long long time ago
the world sucked
and gods were pissed
but these particular gods were in India
home to a somewhat chiller breed of god
so instead of just flooding everything and starting over
they decide to send in their MVP to fix their problem

their MVP has a lot of names
like a thousand
seriously, dude has more names than the entire silmarillion
but most of them are irrelevant to our purposes here
so let’s just call him Vishnu
(but only for a couple paragraphs
he’s gonna change names pretty quick)

so vishnu is just hanging out
on a snake in the middle of the milk ocean
when Brahma (another important god type dude)
paddles up in his meditation boat and is like hey man
earth is fucked right the hell up
I’m tagging you in
and Vishnu is like chill out dude
I know all about that shit
i was actually just making arrangements to get born down there
so I can simultaneously fix everything/steal massive quantities of butter
and Brahma is like oh awesome

and true to his word
Vishnu flies down to earth and shoves himself right up in some lady’s womb
this is not difficult for Vishnu
not only is he the god of everything
but he’s totally pulled this type of womb-foolery before
seven times, in fact
and each time he comes out as a different type of dude
with a different personality and everything
so for those of you keeping score at home
Vishnu is basically a cross between Jesus Christ and a Time Lord

but apparently even seven practice wombs have not made Vishnu very good at target selection
because the womb he selects belongs to a lady named Devaki
who happens to be in prison
because her brother (king Kansa) received a prophecy that said Devaki’s eighth kid would kill him
and prison is a tried and true method of dealing with this.

So Devaki is just chilling in her prison cell
pumping out babies like crazy
and Kansa is straight murdering all those babies
even though none of them are the eighth baby
and I assume that being able to count is a prerequisite for kingship
like, it’s definitely a prerequisite for being a count
and a king is a lot higher up on the food chain
but maybe not
maybe he just has his counts count shit for him
maybe that is the true secret of feudalism.

Devaki gets up to baby number seven
and I guess she’s finally figured out that Kansa is going to murder her babies
so what she does
and this is really brilliant
is she takes her womb
and stuffs it in her friend rohini’s womb
like a pre-natal turducken
and rohini sneaks away with a covert baby inside her
and secretly gives birth
no idiot
this is only the seventh baby
vishnu has to be the eighth baby because the eighth baby is the special one
plus we still have to come up with another name for him
because names are awesome

So Devaki tells Kansa that she totally miscarried on baby number 7
so Kansa isn’t sure whether the next baby will count as baby number 8
but it doesn’t really matter cause he’s just going to kill it regardless
plus it doesn’t really matter because Devaki just GAVE HER FUCKING WOMB AWAY
so it’s not like she’s gonna have any more babies

cause when your baby is Vishnu
you need wombs like you need a hole in the crotch
I mean
no you still need the hole though
but anyway so Vishnu just crawls into Devaki’s anti-womb
becomes Krishna
and then shoots out her snatch and out of the prison
before he can get snatched by Kansa and Ko and turned into baby powder
then he goes to live with his foster mother Yasoda
who just gave birth to another goddess, that being Durga
and they hang out and have crazy adventures
and eventually Krishna does kill Kansa, obviously
but all of that is a whole other story

the moral of this story meanwhile
is that most ladies DON’T have detachable plumbing
so if someone locks you in a room and says they’re gonna kill all your babies
perhaps abstinence is worth considering?
or at least the rhythm method?
like for real, six dead babies?
that’s a barbershop quartet and a half
think about THAT, you monsters.

the end.


Best. Prostitute. EVER.

So I have a desk
this desk groans under the weight of many a mythological tome
and from time to time i will select a tome at random
and plunder it for material
one of these books is called The Giant Book of Myths And Legends
and it’s sort of like the costco bulk toilet paper of mythology
like if Kirkland sold myths, this is the book they would sell
i’m not saying it’s bad
it’s just repackaged with a generic brand name and sold in quantity

so this is the book I opened up today
only to discover a story entitled
and now, dear readers
i shall pass the savings on to you

so there’s this sage
he thinks he is the hottest shit since Danger Curry Night at Yoon’s House of Rectal Torment
and he is standing in front of a bigass crowd
all of whom concur re: the hotness of his shit
and he is further convincing them of his fecal febrility
by yelling smart words at them
he’s like “GUYS
Truth is great and everything
like, the emperor can pull mountains of tits out of thin air with the power of his sincerity
but that Truth doesn’t mean shit
unless the emperor actually produces the tits, see?
like, truth is fine and everything
but ACTION is where it’s at”
(Sidenote: this story takes place in a parallel universe
where being honest gives you superpowers)

and everyone is like YEAHHHH
except for one chick who is like NAWWWWW
and everyone is like WHAAAAAT?
and she’s like “Ok listen
I am a courtesan
which means I am a prostitute but with better jewelry
which means I am essentially a currency exchange that converts dollars into sex
my exchange rate is pretty good my friends
but this is not a sales pitch
this is a total verbal beatdown addressed to mister lavashits up on the podium
so point one:
I think we can all agree that charging a flat rate to let a dude touch your jibblies
is not a super pure thing to do
and everyone is like RIGHT
but they also think this lady is kind of a babe
so they say it in a polite way
and she’s like “Okay, so since I’m all impure and shit
I should not be able to … for example … turn the Ganges river backwards?”
and everyone is like “WHAT
and she’s like “okay
well I just did
also I gave you all handjobs without you noticing”
and everyone is like “WE ARE SMITTEN”
except the sage
who is like “…”

so the emperor is up in his castle
and he’s like “what the hell
the river is suddenly flowing backwards
this is terrible
everyone will die from the ecological consequences
i have to get to the bottom of this!”
but the only bottom he gets to
is the courtesan’s bottom
and he’s like “guhhhh”
and she’s like hey buddy my eyes are up here
what do you want
and he’s like “How you make river go backwards”
and she’s like “With the power of truth”
and he’s like “Okay well I’m familiar with that power
I have been known to use it to produce tits from thin air
but it seems like our city’s resident boner-silo should not be able to use it
you know
because her soul is too weighed down with all those boners”
and the courtesan is like “Look bro
I am what I am, and that’s all I can be
if a dude comes up to me and gives me cash money
and is like hey, I would like this money’s equivalent value in sex
I do not ask him where he went to college
or how much his dad makes
or any of that social status bullshit
I ask him whether he would like the lights on or off
and how he feels about pegging
and then we do it, and it’s awesome.
and the emperor is like “well normally i’d find a way to disagree
but you seriously just turned the whole river backwards
and I need you to turn that back around now so everyone doesn’t die
so uh
you win!”
and the courtesan is like “SWEET!
Now who wants their dick sucked from behind?”
and everyone lives happily ever after

so the moral of the story
is that it’s really hard to tell a lie
when there’s a dick in your mouth

the end.


Maeglin’s Mom is Easily Distracted

so it took me a while to get back into the silmarillion
because when i opened it up
the first sentence I read
no really, check it out:
“Aredhel Ar-Feiniel, the White Lady of the Noldor, daughter of Fingolfin, dwelt in Nevrast with Turgon her brother, and she went with him to the Hidden Kingdom”
which is really just tolkein’s way of saying
“this chick you haven’t heard of before lives with her bro Turgon in his secret base”
anyway this whole chapter is pretty much about her
so i guess we do have to use her name

so the problem with living in a secret base
is that in order for it to stay secret
nobody who lives in the secret base can ever ever leave
because otherwise people might figure out where it is
and Aredhel is not down with this
so she goes to Turgon like dude
I am so bored in here i’m bout to twiddle my thumbs right OFF
lemme go out and see the sons of Feanor
those dudes are certifiably crazy, it’ll be an awesome party
and Aredhel is like you’re not the boss of me
and Turgon is like ok fine but ima send some dudes with you

so Aredhel leaves the secret base with a couple dudes
and they try to take a shortcut through Thingol’s place
but Thingol is still pissed because the Noldor killed all those other elves
and stole their boats
and then ditched half their dudes
and then burned the boats they stole

so he’s like nah guys
we’re still not on speaking terms
yall best go around

so they go around
because there are HAUNTED WOODS
and what’s the point of having haunted woods
if people aren’t being forced to go through them all the time
so the dudes who are with Aredhel get spooked and go home
and Aredhel rides through and meets up with Feanor’s kids
is it just me
or is this a lot of effort to go through just to party with some dudes?

so Aredhel gets there
but the party can’t start yet
cause one of Feanor’s sons isn’t there yet
so she’s hanging out waiting
and as we’ve already established
this is a girl who gets bored real easy
so she starts wandering further and further from town
and finally she gets lost
i swear there are more haunted woods than regular woods up in this
i don’t know where everyone gets their lumber
prolly everybody’s house is just like a 24 hour ghost party

except this haunted forest is not haunted by ghosts
it’s haunted by ONE ELF
this elf is named Eol
and he sees Aredhel riding through his hood
i mean wood
but Eol is a kind of creeper
as anyone who lives alone in the haunted woods is apt to be
so instead of like
buying her a drink or writing her a poem or some shit
he uses his evil forest magic to guide her to his house
and then when she arrives all lost and tired
he’s like hey lady
welcome to my creepy forest castle
price of admission: one marriage
and Aredhel
who has yet to let anything force her to stay in one place
is like fuck it, why not

so they get married
and tolkein is very careful to tell us that it’s not all bad
even though Eol forces Aredhel to only go out at night
and she’s not allowed to visit the sons of Feanor
even though those are the exact dudes she came all this way to see!
girl needs to get her life under control
like for real, she’s got to set some goals and fucking stick to them
cause in the real world
behavior like this gets you a ritalin perscription

but so i guess the main proof that it’s not so bad
is that Aredhel lets Eol put a baby in her
and that baby comes out and he is ONE SEXY BABY
his name is Maeglin
and it turns out that HE is the ACTUAL point of this chapter
he has crazy eyes that let him see into people’s brains
and he looks more like his mom than his dad
which makes his dad pissed
but his dad is a pretty weird guy anyway
so no one really pays attention

it doesn’t take too long for Maeglin and Aredhel to get sick of the haunted forest
seeing as Aredhel holds the world record
for number of places she is sick of
and Maeglin is her son
so one day when Eol is out at a party somewhere else
they just peace out without warning anyone
and make a break for Turgon’s secret base
but Eol gets home early
and he’s like what the fuck where did they go
and the servants are like oh I think they went to go see Feanor’s kids
and Eol is like AW HELL NO
so he goes to Feanor’s kids
who hate him
and he’s like guys
guys where is my wife
and Feanor’s kids are like dude
she went that way
get off our fucking lawn before we make you part of it

so now Aredhel and Maeglin are running
and Eol is running after them
and they’re running and running and running
(on horses)
until they get to the mountain where the secret base is hid
and Eol is just close enough that he sees how they get in
so when they get inside he comes running after them like AAAAA GIMME MY SHIT
and Turgon is like GENTLEMEN
and Turgon is like well that’s all well and good
but the problem with having a secret base is
so you are either going to live here forever
or die right now
and Eol, being a sensible gentleman
is like alright
and then steals someone’s spear and chucks it at his son
and Aredhel dives in front of him, secret-service style
and takes the javelin in the shoulder
and then everyone is like ok Eol
clearly you have chosen the “die right now” option

but you know who else has chosen the “die right now” option?
cause even though the spear only hit her in the shoulder
it was tipped with POISON
Well i guess … the type of person who hangs out in a secret base
anyway Maeglin’s mom is dead
and they’re about to shove his dad off a cliff
and his dad is like SON:
and then he dies
and even though Eol was a dick
everyone still thinks Maeglin is pretty weird for not giving a shit

and Maeglin IS pretty weird
but not just for that reason
he’s weird cause he has a crush on his first cousin Idril
who lives in the secret base as well
and unlike in most mythologies
there is actually a law against that type of incest
even though if no one leaves the secret base
shit is bound to get incestuous sooner or later
still though
Idril thinks he is mad creepy
and he knows this
so he takes all the energy he would’ve spent on love
and instead spends it on being an AWESOME WARRIOR
and developing a TWISTED, EVIL HEART
all of which I’m sure will become super important later

so the moral of the story
is you should never leave your house
cause everything else is haunted woods



History of Electricity, Part 2: EVERYONE’S STILL CRAZY

soooo it looks like i’m updating once a week now?
also it looks like nobody has taken me up on my offer
come on guys it’s a sweet offer

or if not lightning exactly
then at least lightning’s better-behaved alter-ego electricity
when last we left our heroes
they were busy rubbing shit all over other shit
and then proving that lightning and electricty were actually the same thing
and then going to france and having a lot of sex
and apparently all this shit was crucial
especially that last part
because it opened the door for a dude named Faraday to come along
and start making machines that rubbed shit on other shit
he also invented a kind of cage that makes your cell phone not work
so basically he sounds like a dick

history is full of important dicks
like Alexander the Great
and Napoleon
and Benjamin Franklin’s dick
there are comparatively few important vaginas though
which is weird
because there’s a whole FUCKTON of really important ASSHOLES
which brings us to Thomas Alva Edison

see, after Faraday invents his spectacularly efficient way of rubbing shit together
Thomas Edison gets super rich by selling crazy souped-up telegraphs
and puts up a gigantic building in new jersey
so that he can more efficiently gather smart people
and rub their brains together
(as a side note
I am currently pioneering a new historico-scientific theory
it is called
“everything in history is just rubbing things on other things”)
and through the friction of all these smart brains
Edison comes up with some pretty cool shit
or more accurately
better versions of other people’s already cool shit
like lightbulbs and shit
and one of the things he comes up with
is another way to generate and distribute electricity

Edison calls his way “Direct Current”
(or DC)
and the other way
which is being pioneered at the same time by a dude named Westinghouse
is called “Alternating Current”
(or AC)
do not try to understand what these things mean
it’s really hard
all you really need to know
is they would make an incredibly sweet band name

so the problem with DC power
is it’s lazy
it won’t travel very far before it gives up and goes away
so you have to make a lot of power stations in order for it to work
the problem with AC power
is that someone has not yet come along
who can upgrade it and make it TOTALLY AWESOME

tesla is this Serbian dude with like no social skills
because he put all his attribute points in CRAZY BRAIN
he willingly gave up rubbing his junk on ladies’ junk
so he could spend more time figuring out how to rub electric shit on other shit
and he hallucinated like ALL THE TIME
to make up for the fact that he slept like NONE OF THE TIME
this dude was less of a dude
and more of a streamlined engine for turning food and water into SCIENCE

So Tesla looks at AC power like ok guys
i see what you’re doing
with the rubbing stuff on other stuff
but guys
what if we made it
and everyone is like AWRIIIIIGHT
especially that Westinghouse guy

so westinghouse buys all of Tesla’s great ideas
and then Edison is like oh shit
Westinghouse is about to totally wreck my shit
AC power can travel longer distances than my DC power
it is cheaper and more efficient
i guess there’s only one thing left to do:
time to start murdering animals

so that is what Thomas Edison does
first he invents the electric chair
and powers it with AC power
so everyone will know just how fucking dangerous that shit is
ignoring the fact that lightning can also kill people
and i’m pretty sure that’s not AC OR DC
but edison doesn’t stop at revolutionizing american justice
no no no
then what he does
is he starts stealing stray cats
and frying those fuckers on his electro-killing machine
but everyone is still like yawn
so finally edison is like fuck this
just fuck this
I’m gonna get an elephant from the god-damn zoo
and I am going to electrocute it to death with one of my inventions
while filming it with another one of my inventions
and THAT is going to solve this whole thing for me
i don’t see how it could fail

so he does that
he kills Topsy the Elephant and then shows people the video
and somehow
that fails to convince everyone to buy his flavor of electricity
so that shit fails pretty hard
but it’s fine, because it’s not like Edison is exactly hurting for money
he gets distracted pretty quickly
by an ambitious scheme to repeatedly fire X-rays into his own eyes
presumably in order to become more like superman

meanwhile, shit is not going too well for Tesla
because after a brilliant career of turning down ladies
and sculpting reality with his mind
his mind is finally like fuck this
i’m done
from now on
it’s just gonna be martians and talking pigeons
all day every day
and Tesla is like oh well
it was fun while it lasted
i guess i better go die in a tiny apartment
after eating nothing but milk and crackers for months

now guys
i know you were expecting the standard narrative
“Nikola Tesla invented radar and gravity and knees
and Thomas Edison stole all of it with his asshole machine made of assholes”
and while Thomas Edison is indeed an asshole
and Nikola Tesla did indeed invent like a million things
what both of them have in common
like, from my perspective
there is not a lot of difference between hallucinating pigeons and aliens
and shooting yourself in the eyes with radioactive beams over and over again
which just goes to show
that the moral of this story
is that all the smartest people in the world
are also the biggest goddamn idiots

the end