Author Archives: Ovid

The Myth of Er

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Hey so let me tell you a story that will convince you that my morality is law
it’s about a guy
his name is
er…
I mean Er
that’s what his name is.
We are Greek and that is a totally normal name to have.

Okay so Er dies.

No, assholes, that’s not the end.
Er dies and then he has this wild out of body experience
where he wakes up in a field surrounded by cosmic sphincters.
What I mean is
there is a hole in the sky and a hole in the ground
and dudes are coming out of these holes
and they are all high-fiving each other and pitching tents and passing 40s
like “Aw shit dogg I have not seen you in AGES
LITERAL AGES”
because see, these dudes have all been wandering through the afterlife
(that’s what this place is)
for the past THOUSAND YEARS
and they come back here after all that wandering
to get reborn.

Meanwhile new dudes are dying all the time
and showing up here
and getting sentenced by this wise dude on a podium
and then based on the sentencing
they either go through the hole in the ground or the hole in the sky
and walk through either hell or heaven
for ANOTHER THOUSAND YEARS
and during those thousand years
everything they did while they were alive gets done to them
TEN TIMES
(once every hundred years)
so if you stabbed a dude in the face
you get stabbed ten times
and if you gave a dude a blowjob
you get a blowjob ten times
but it’s only once per hundred years
so you’d better have given a lot more than one blowjob
I’ve got a dick you can use if you’re concerned.

Anyway, after the dudes finish their thousand year journeys
and chill out in this meadow for a week
they have to get up and go get reborn.
So Er walks with these dudes through the vault of heaven
which is just a big one of those solar system models you get at planetariums and shit
except each planet is getting straddled by a hot broad yodeling the same note forever
and the whole thing is on the lap of a giant babe named Necessity
and she has three daughters
but none of them are named Invention
and they are all sitting around on thrones
rapping about time.

But who are we to question the weird fetishes of the gods?
What’s important is that this is the room where dudes get reborn.
A guy comes out on stage and he’s like “Yo what up bitches I’m an oracle
I am here to guide you through your rebirth experience.
Line up and take a number
and I’ll drop all these possible lives in this big bucket
and you can come up one at a time and pick whichever one you want
BUT BEWARE
some of these lives are friggin’ sweet
but at least as many of them are tragically shitty
you might even get reincarnated as actual shit
we are not limiting it to human beings up in this afterlife
you can suffer through the next epoch as a mutant trout if that’s your thing
just don’t blame me for your dumb decision.
Alright, have fun.”

Dude is not kidding
There are all KINDS of lives in this lifebucket
there are lives full ruckus, riches, and rock concerts
there are lives full of sorrow and bees
and you would think everybody would spend some serious time choosing their life
but some dudes have been spoiled by too much awesome in their previous lives
like maybe they were a unicorn or a hercules or something
and those dudes just don’t know how to not make bad decisions
it’s not a skill they’ve developed.

EXAMPLE:
the very first dude comes up and picks a life where he gets to be dictator for life
but he should have read the EULA because it turns out he also has to eat his own kids
and he’s like “WHAT THE FUCK
WHY WOULD YOU PUT THIS ONE IN HERE?”
And the oracle is like “Sorry bro, no refunds”
so everyone else is a lot more careful after that.

And just like at an orgy or a Burger King
everybody’s gotta have it their way
some people want a life of hookers and cocaine
and some people want a life of slavery and nut-kicks
and in the end it doesn’t really matter what you choose
because the object of the game is to be virtuous as fuck no matter what
so you can get your dick sucked in heaven for a thousand years
although I still feel sorry for that first guy
because I can’t think of many ways to virtuously eat your kids
I guess you just gotta make sure to suck off as many people as possible
no matter what life you end up leading
which, again
I am happy to help with.

Anyway the line starts moving pretty fast
dudes are turning into carpenters and cows
and birds are turning into people.
WAIT
THERE ARE BIRDS HERE?
AND NOT JUST BIRDS
GHOST BIRDS
holy fuck-parade
the afterlife officially just became the number one worst place
and you’re telling me they can be people?
You’re telling me any of my friends might actually be birds?
Fuck, *I* might be a bird
Ah jeeze I think I’m gonna puke
let’s talk about something else.

Oh, there’s a lot of famous dudes in there getting reborn
like Odysseus and Ajax and Agamemnon and whatever
but don’t worry
pretty much all of them choose to be animals
because they are literally sick to death of people
Ajax decides to be awesome and turn into a fucking LION
but Odysseus, as usual, just HAS to be different.
He chooses to be a simple dude with an ordinary job
because he’s curious if he can find a way to fuck even THAT up.

After all the dudes have picked their lives
they go to the three chicks, who sew their new lives to their chests for them
and then everybody goes through a trapdoor under the model solar system
into a big shitty desert called the Plain of Forgetfulness
which has nothing in it except the fabled Rohypnol River
from which everybody is forced to drink until they forget their other lives
except for Er
(who really hasn’t done much in this story, even though it’s about him)
because someone’s gotta survive to tell everybody about this shit
I mean, that’s why he died in the first place
not like there’s a pretty much infinite supply of dead people to use for that purpose
they had to kill someone specifically to let them in on this.
So after all that walking and nonsense
Er wakes up just in time to keep from getting burned alive
because we are Greek and regular funerals are for weenies.

So yeah, the moral of the story is
… actually, this might take some explaining.
Hey Philosophy Bro? I’m tagging you in.

Bradamante and Ruggiero Meet Doctor Who

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So let’s take a break from dudes hitting each other with swords
and talk about a LADY hitting dudes with a sword
she is the Bradamante I mentioned before
and she is subject to more crazy magic shit
than a fledgling prince in a snowglobe full of wizards.

So like for example
after she kills Sacripante’s horse and rides off
she runs into this knight crying in the hills
(the medieval wilderness is where knights go to cry
presumably they think they will not be found
but when the whole wilderness is full of sadtimes armormen
it’s really only a matter of time.)
anyway Bradimante’s like “Sup loser”
and he’s like “Man, my girlfriend got stolen
by a dude with a flying horse
so I ditched the army I was commanding to go follow him
(which prolly means I shouldn’t have been in command of an army but w/e)
and I found his HUGE METAL CASTLE IN THE MOUNTAINS
and I hid there because I suck
but then this dude Ruggiero and one of his boys showed up
and the knight came out with his flying horse
and zapped them with a laser light show from his shield
and I passed out and I guess he took them prisoner.”
and Bradimante says “Wow, you suck.”

But what she’s thinking is “Wow, I need to go fight this flying dude”
because for one thing, he’s a flying dude
how often do you get to fight those
also he lives in a shiny metal castle and shoots lasers from his shield
he’s obviously a time-traveler who thinks it’s funny to kill knights
which means he deserves to die
PLUS
Ruggiero is Bradimante’s boyfriend
so she’s not about to let him live in Chez Shinytimes forever
so she’s like “Bro, lead me to this castle, bro”
and the bro leads on.

But this bro has a secret:
he is actually LORD PINBALL OF THE JERKLORDS
[name altered for the sake of not looking it up]
and he has serious beef with Bradimante’s fam
so instead of leading her to a castle
he leads her into a cave with a big hole in it
and then pushes her down the hole
because I guess he really didn’t care about finding his girlfriend that much.

Then Bradimante is in the hole
but it’s fine because it turns out that the hole is MERLIN’S TOMB
and there’s a sorceress there
and she’s like “Sup Bradimante, I’ve been waiting for you
Merlin’s ghost told me all this cool shit about you
come hang out.”
So she takes her into a crazy room full of the ghosts of all Bradimante’s unborn children
and introduces her to all of them
and half of them are named Azzo and the other half are named Alfonso
oh and somewhere in there she says Ruggiero is gonna get stabbed to death in a field
but it gets conveniently lost in all the names
and then the sorceress is like “Man, I sure don’t care enough to keep talking about this.”
and Bradimante is like “No wait, tell me about those two kids over there
they look like assholes.”
and the sorceress is like “Yeah, they are.
It’s cool though, the rest of your kids are pretty dope.
Anyway, here’s what’s up:
in order to kill that flying knight, you need a magic ring
I’m gonna take you to a hotel
and there’s gonna be this other dude there
hired by the king of Africa to do the same thing you’re trying to do
and he’ll have the ring
so just steal it or whatever.
It’s fine, he’s from Africa.
We’re at war with Africa and also pretty racist
as will become obvious when the poet describes this guy in a couple pages.”

So Bradimante goes to the hotel
and there’s this dude Brunell there
and he has the ring
so Bradimante travels with him to the castle
which he knows how to find
and then she beats him up and takes the ring
and is like “HEY, TIME-TRAVELING KNIGHT
COME OUTSIDE AND FIGHT ME LIKE A TECHNO WIZARD”
and the dude comes flying out on his robot horse
carrying a book that is either a spellbook or an instruction manual
and starts shooting her with force-lances or telekinesis or laserbolts or magic maybe
but she’s immune to it because of the ring
so finally he uncovers his laser shield
and she’s like “OH NO, YOU GOT ME”
and falls down and pretends to be dead
and then when he comes to tie her up
she punches him in the face and sits on his chest.

She’s about to cut off his head, but he’s real old so she feels bad
and instead she’s like “Bro
why did you travel all the way back to our time
just to kidnap a bunch of people and have a sweet palace in the mountains?
Other than the obvious reasons.”
and the old dude is like “Well there’s this guy Ruggiero
and he’s gonna die in battle
and I really like him for some reason
so I came back in time and captured him
to keep him safe from danger
and I have been snatching hot chicks and knights for years now
in order to populate this wicked cool party palace I built just for him.”
and Bradimante is like “…
…………….
….
..
………WHAT?
Okay first of all you can’t travel back in time to change the past
this is not the fucking Terminator
causality doesn’t work like that.
If he’s gonna die in battle
he’s gonna fucking die in battle.
Second of all I am not having my boyfriend banging sluts in a technopalace
third
I want your horse and your cool shield.
Let me into the castle so we can get out all the prisoners.”

So the old guy lets her into the palace
but then at the last second he does some magic and WHOOSH
the castle disappears
and he does too
and all these hot chicks and studly knights are left standing in the mountains
like “What the hell, we were having a party.”
and then Ruggiero sees Bradimante and he’s like “…Yay!
I’m so glad to be with you in this barren mountain landscape
instead of having a fivesome with captured vixens
hoorayyyyyyyy.”
and Bradimante is like “Yeah yeah whatever, slutbrick
just lemme capture this flying horse and we can go.”
But that flying horse won’t be caught.
It just keeps flying to different mountains
until finally it ends up in front of Ruggiero
so he grabs it and climbs on, to bring it back to Bradimante
but he gets pranked
because it turns out this was the wizard’s plan all along
the horse has been programmed to take Ruggiero way out to the middle of bumfuck Egypt
where no one can EVER HARM HIM
so he takes off at Mach 5
and Bradimante is just standing down there like “Aw, fuck.”

So the moral of the story
is that some relationships just aren’t meant to be.

ORLANDO FURIOSO Barely Shows Up in His Own First Chapter

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Now a number of you have asked me to tell this tale
But only violent sex-warlord Alexxxander the Great
was studly/generous enough to actually MAIL ME A COPY
so I finally started reading it
and wow
I really truly get why a book like this might make a guy like Don Quixote go insane
like seriously
if you try to behave like the people in this book
I claim no responsibility for your brutal, well-deserved death.
Let’s start at the beginning:

So there’s this chick Angelica
like most medieval damsels
Angelica has spent the past few years as little more than a very sexy football
being passed and intercepted by knight after knight
all of whom are SUPER CONCERNED with “protecting her honor.”
One of these knights is named Orlando Furioso
but then Orlando takes her to France
where there is a big war happening
between everybody and everybody
and Charlemagne is like “Haha you know what’s a great idea?
If I take that chick you have
and offer her as a prize to whoever kills the most dudes in this war”
and Orlando is like “WTF?
It’s like, don’t you even see that my name is in the title?”
and Charlemagne is like “I’M CHARLEMAGNE, BITCH
I FUCKED A LAKE
TRY TO STEP TO ME? THAT’S A BIG MISTAKE
I DON’T NEED MY OWN POEM, I’M A CAMEO MASTER
OH SHIT, WHERE’D ANGELICA GO? DAG-BLAST HER!”
And Orlando is like “Ok ok, stop rapping so we can go find Angelica.”

But Angelica has already been found
because she made the mistake of fleeing into Medieval Woods
forgetting of course
that Medieval Woods are where EVERYONE IS
so she almost tramples some random knight named Rinaldo
and he sees her and he’s like “OH WOW, SO SEXY.”
and she’s like “SHIT SHIT SHIT”
and they immediately embark on some Apollo/Daphne shit
except Angelica has a fucking horse so she gets away
and runs straight into ANOTHER night named Ferrau
who just lost his helmet in a pond
and he sees Rinaldo chasing a hot chick and he’s like “STOP THAT
I’LL FIGHT YOU FOR HER.”
so they start fighting
and Angelica is like “Wow, fuck this”

See, Angelica knows Rinaldo
they used to date
except it was the kind of dating where she was really into him
but he was not at all into her
and then they drank some witch-juice or fairy jizz or whatever
and now she hates him and he loves her
like in Midsummer night’s dream except WAY more violent/complicated.
So Angelica is like “I better get out of here
before Rinaldo figures out I’m me
and not just some random piece of ass in the forest.”
So she leaves those two dudes to beat each other with swords.

Then the two dudes beat each other with swords for a bit
(which they prolly should do anyway
because I think they’re at war right now?)
until finally Rinaldo is like “Bro, time out
do you see that chick anywhere?”
and Ferrau is like “Aw shit, where’d she go?”
and Rinaldo is like “I dunno
but as it stands, we have nothing to gain by killing each other.
what we should do is team up
so we can find her
and THEN kill each other
FOR THE RIGHT TO BANG HER.”
and Ferrau is like “That sounds awesome!
Man
I hope no one ever invents women’s rights.”

So they both climb on Ferrau’s horse
(Rinaldo lost his somewhere)
and gallop off into the woods like best pals
to find a woman to kill each other over
but then the path splits
and they are too dumb to figure out which way Angelica went
so they just split up
and Ferrau ends up right back at the pond where he lost his helmet
so he’s like “Oh well
Better try to get my helmet.”
so he takes a stick and starts poking around in the water
and a FUCKING ZOMBIE JUMPS OUT
and it’s like “Bro, not cool
this pond is my house
and you should know this
because you DUMPED MY BODY IN HERE
AFTER KILLING ME
you said you’d dump my helmet in too
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU FORGOT
UNTIL JUST NOW
SO I’M TAKING IT BACK, MOTHERFUCKER.
Oh also I’m Angelica’s brother
so probably she had a good reason for fleeing you just now.”
and Ferrau is like “Aw man. I feel like a total tool.”
and the Zombie is like “Yeah, you really should.”

Meanwhile Angelica is just hauling ass through the woods
but then she gets tired
and decides to nap under some trees
which goes well for about six seconds
before some dork wakes her up with his excessive crying.
He’s like “BOO HOO HOO
A WOMAN’S VIRGINITY IS A PRICELESS TREASURE
WHY ARE WOMEN ALWAYS SQUANDERING THEIR VIRGINITY ON STUPID ASSHOLES
WHY CAN’T THEY SQUANDER IT ON A NICE GUY LIKE ME?”
and Angelica immediately recognizes him as King Sacripante of the Saracens
who has had a huge pathetic crush on her since forever
so she’s like “Hm, this guy is pretty lame and I’m not attracted to him
but I’m magically bound to hate Rinaldo
Ferrau killed my brother
and Orlando Furioso has Furioso RIGHT IN HIS FUCKING NAME.
This guy seems like the lesser of countless evils.
Hey Sexy-Panties, what up?”
And Sacripante is like “OMG MY QUEEN”
but then a knight in white armor rides by and kills his horse
and as Angelica helps him climb out from under it
and tries to reassure him that he’s not as big of a failure as he obviously is
a messenger comes by like “Hey guys
have you seen a knight in white armor go by?”
and Sacripante is like “Yeah I just got mauled by one
right as I was about to get smooched on by my lady.
Fucking white-knighting son of a bitch.
Who was that?”
and the messenger is like “Oh that?
That’s just some chick named Bradamante.”
and Sacripante is like “NO WAY
NOT A GIRL
HAX
HAXXXXXX.”
So you see, this sort of behavior actually predates the internet.

Anyway, then Sacripante and Angelica pile onto Angelica’s horse
it’s embarrassing and slow
but suddenly a horse appears!
It’s Rinaldo’s horse!
This horse fucking loves Angelica
and Angelica loves the horse
because she didn’t drink any horse-hating potions, I guess
so she grabs it and Sacripante gets on
but then HERE COMES RINALDO
chasing his dumb horse
and he’s like “Oh dang
I just found my horse
and my lady
and some chump I can hit with a sword
I ask you:
COULD THIS DAY GET ANY BETTER???”

But that’s a question we’ll just have to answer next week.
In the meantime, here’s a moral for you:
try to never wear armor
it seems to make people think it’s okay to hit you with weapons.
Angelica doesn’t have that problem, all I’m saying.

TO BE CONTINUED.

The Godfather Part 1 Makes Me Want Pasta

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So it’s this chick’s wedding
it’s not SUPER important who she is
she doesn’t really do much in the story
other than get beat up and yell a little
no, what’s important
is her DAD
her dad is Vito Corleone
aka
THE GODFATHER
he’s a big crime guy
he’s important.

so Vito’s daughter is getting married
to some shitty guy nobody cares about.
what everybody does care about though
is that there is some dumb rule
that says that whenever one of Vito’s daughters gets married
he has to do a solid for anybody who wants one
it’s an inconvenient tradition
i have no idea why he would agree to this
also he looks like he has marbles in his mouth

so some dudes ask vito for favors
which mainly involve beating up rapists
and decapitating horses in order to freak out hollywood execs
you know
real robin hood shit
and then he sits down to talk to some heroin dealers

so the heroin dealers are like “Yo Vito
we would love to sell all this heroin
would you like to invest in our heroin business?”
and Vito is like “Nah, heroin is not really my style
I mainly sell olive oil
and like
whores”
and the heroin dealers are like “Ok dude
your loss.”

So the next day Vito is shopping for produce
when the heroin guys show up
like “THIS IS WHAT WE MEANT WHEN WE SAID YOUR LOSS”
and then they shoot bullets at him
and he’s like “God damn guys I was just trying to get some oranges
what the fuck”
(fun fact: Whenever someone picks up an orange in these movies
shit is about to get real.
other fun fact: al pacino does not know the right way to eat oranges.)

So now Vito is in the hospital
which means he can’t run his crime syndicate
which means his shitty son Santino is now in charge.
This is terrible
because whereas Vito built his crime empire on ruthless calculation
and a strong reputation
Santino “Sonny” Corleone’s strategy
is just to shoot BASICALLY EVERY PERSON IN NEW YORK CITY
more or less at random.
Meanwhile his brother Michael
who is a war hero and also not a complete idiot
is the one who has to keep Vito from getting killed in the hospital
by rival gangs/the crooked police.
He does this by standing in front of the hospital
with some random guy he found
and PRETENDING to have a gun.
This pisses off the chief of police
who punches him in the face for being sassy
and then Michael is like “aw hell no.”

So Michael goes to Sonny and he’s like “Hey bro
I know you’ve already killed 80% of the population of NYC
but you have conspicuously failed to kill anyone important
and now the chief of police
and the head of the gang that shot dad
both want to meet with me for some reason
so how about I jeapordize my totally clean criminal record
and my spotless military reputation
and shoot them both in a restaurant in front of a bunch of witnesses”
and Sonny
who you may remember is an idiot
is like “YEAHHHHHHHH.”

So Michael does this
because literally everything Michael ever does is a success
and then he flees to italy
(abandoning his girlfriend)
in italy he sees a chick
and immediately gets married to her
then she explodes
then he goes back to New York city and marries his girlfriend
I don’t know why any of this happens
other than maybe to show that Michael Corleone has a sociopathic dick.

Meanwhile, Sonny is still busily fucking shit up.
See, remember the chick who got married at the beginning?
she’s his sister
and the shitty dude she married is now beating her up.
So Sonny goes and beats HIM up
not so much because he disapproves of spousal abuse
(he has also been known to beat up his wife
after cheating on her
because he’s great)
but more because he really likes beating on people.
But then joke’s on Sonny
because that shitty dude turns around and sells him out
to the rival mob
who shoots him with SO MANY BULLETS
that Vito (who is now sort of recovered)
has to call in a favor with a funeral director
just to make his body not look like a blood pinata.

So now Sonny’s dead
and Vito has too many bullets in him to be mob president
which means Michael has to be the godfather now
I mean he has an older brother named Fredo
but Fredo is about as competent as a dish glove full of earthworms
so Michael Corleone it is.
Michael gets right down to business
having a kid with his brand new wife
buying up some hotels in Vegas
and trying to figure out why everyone in his family is getting shot
(spoilers: it’s because they’re in the FUCKING MAFIA)
Then Vito is like “Hey son
I figured it all out:
remember the dudes you shot before
because they tried to kill me?
Those weren’t even the real dudes in charge
it was some other dudes
and they’re way sneakier than those first dudes
so pro tip:
they’re gonna try and set up a meeting with you
and then instead of talking business
they are going to shoot you with guns
and they are going to use one of your own guys to give the invitation
so what you do
and this is brilliant
is instead of accepting the invitation
just kill whoever invites you
because they’re a traitor
and not enough people have died in this movie yet.”
and Michael is like “Solid advice, dad.
Got anymore?”
and Vito is like “NOPE, DYING OF A HEART ATTACK.”

So then at the funeral
one of Michael’s guys is like “Hey
wanna come to a shady meeting with this other mob boss?”
and Michael’s like “Yeah that sounds great
cough TRAITOR cough”
and the traitor is like “What did you say?”
and Michael is like “Nothing, go about your business.
Take no extra precautions or anything.”
Then he goes to see some kid baptized
and while he’s in there, holding a baby
five dudes die simultaneously
and they just happen to be the heads of the five mafia families
that were opposing Michael’s family
and then the traitor gets killed too
and also that shitty dude that got married at the beginning.
None of this has ANYTHING to do with Michael Corleone
I SWEAR.

But there’s a problem
which is that Michael’s sister
was STILL MARRIED to that shitty dude when he got killed
and she knows it’s Michael’s fault
so she goes to him like “BRO WTF.”
and Michael’s like “I DIDN’T DO IT, GOD.”
and she’s like “YEAH YOU DID.”
and he’s like “NUH UH.”
and she’s like “FINE WHATEVER.
GONNA BANG A LONG STRING OF DUDEWHORES AND SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY.”
and Michael’s like “GOOD THING I HAVE LIKE INFINITE MONEY.”
and then Michael’s wife is like “Hey man
seriously though
did you have her husband killed?
Because that would really bum me out.”
and Michael is like “Nope.
Who kills people?
Not me, that’s for sure.”
and his wife is like “Oh wow phew I feel so much better.”
and then Michael Corleone is the most powerful mafia boss of all time!

So the moral of the story
is that you cannot solve all your problems with murder
but lying plus murder together is a pretty baller combo.

The end.

Elegua Has the Good Drugs

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Hey babies

Since I seem to be on this Yoruba kick
I figure now is a good time
for me to go back to one of my favorite gods:
Elegua
well, technically my favorite god is Legba
cigar smoking roadmaster with a dick bigger than most public works projects
but Legba
and Elegba
and Elegua
and Eshu and probably Hermes for that matter
are all basically the same person
just a fast-moving jerk clown swinging more dick than a playground full of private detectives.
Still, just to be safe
(and because I figure he gets a kick out of being called different names)
he’s gonna be Elegua today.

This is actually a story from back in the day
when Elegua was a little kid, and hadn’t done shit yet.
Most of the other orisha (that’s Yoruba for “gods”) think he’s just a punk
and for good reason
the old-timey Orisha have real shit to deal with
like Obatala has just created the whole world and people and everything
and he’s not even the most important dude!

The most important dude is Olofi
who doesn’t even bother with that “human beings” nonsense
and just sticks to granting all the other orisha their powers
and since the orisha
like most gods
mainly use their powers to maim each other and steal each others’ wives
it’s a thankless, tiring job
so tiring, that Olofi comes down with a cold
and when the ruler of the universe comes down with a cold
he comes down harder than the kool-aid man falling down a flight of stairs
(I don’t know why I specifically picked the kool-aid man
maybe because in addition to falling really hard and loud
with a lot of “Ohhh nooooo” and whatnot
there’s also a ton of broken glass
and delicious kool-aid everywhere
that you can’t even drink because of the broken glass
plus your floor is covered in shag carpet
so you’d have to suck it out of the carpet fibers
which sort of taste like dust and dog pee
and also it sort of looks like blood.
You are going to have a lot of explaining to do
why did you invite him to your house and let him get so drunk
this is on you, bro.)

So all the other gods recognize that this is a big deal
if Olofi stops doing his job
their powers are gonna go away
and if their powers go away
how are they going to dick around effectively?
CRISIS.
So everybody shows up at Olofi’s place
and he’s like “Guys i’m actually pretty sick
I really just want to sleep a bit
maybe eat some soup and watch netflix
maybe you can come back later when I’m feeling better”
and everyone is like “NOOOOO
YOU FEEL BETTER NOWWWWW.”
and then they wipe him with magic white cloths
and rub herbs on his body
and clean him with their staffs
and he’s like “Guys I don’t need to be cleaned
I just need some bed rest and lots of fluids”
and the gods are like “NOOOOOO
YOU GET BETTER WITH MAGIC.”
and Olofi’s like “O…Okay.”

Now the whole time this is happening
Elegua is all like “Guys
guys, can I try?”
and everyone is like “No
piss off, shortpants.”
but everyone keeps right on failing
so finally Elegua asks Obatala if he can help
and Obatala
(who has a very low standard when it comes to on-the-job competence)
is like “Sure, kid, do your thing
what could go wrong?”
Proving how little everyone knows about Elegua at this point.

So Elegua goes up to Olofi
and sits on his lap.
This is already inappropriate, and everyone notices.
Then he stuffs some mysterious herbs in Olofi’s mouth
grabs his jaw
and forces him to chew and swallow them.
This is even more inappropriate
but I guess he wants to max out his inappropriate meter
so he can do some kind of Ultimate Faux Pas Limit Break
because then he busts out a feather
and starts tickling Olofi all over
and everyone is like “Alright Elegua
we know we were all basically just doing random shit
and hoping it would work
but you don’t need to be a dick about it.”

But then
Olofi’s chest starts fucking GLOWING
and Olofi is like “YEEEEEEEE HAWWWWWWW
HOLY SHIT I FEEL GREAT
THAT MOUTHFUL OF SUSPICIOUS LEAVES WAS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED
TIME TO GET BACK TO WORK MOTHERFUCKERS
BOONS FOR EVERYBODY.
ELEGUA, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS SHIT?”
And Elegua is like “What, those leaves?
I just found those in the woods.
Not even really sure what they are.”
and Olofi is like “I WILL TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE:
THEY ARE
THE SHIT.
DUDE
YOU ARE MY NEW FAVORITE PERSON
FROM NOW ON YOU ARE THE OFFICIAL MAILMAN FOR THE ORISHA
NO MESSAGES GET ANYWHERE WITHOUT YOUR APPROVAL
AND EVERYONE HAS TO GIVE YOU FOOD
OR ELSE YOU CAN TOTALLY FAIL TO DELIVER THEIR LETTERS
I AM STRAIGHT UP GIVING YOU A DANGEROUS MONOPOLY
ON THIS KEY PART OF OUR INFRASTRUCTURE.”
and Elegua is like “Wow, cool
it’s a good thing I’m not recklessly irresponsible huh?”

So the moral of the story
is that being a drug dealer is a lucrative career path
but being your BOSS’S drug dealer?
Well
you can’t put a price on that.

The end.

Oba is Like a Sexy Lady Van Gogh

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So remember how I said Oya was married to Oggun
until Shango came along and started tapping that
(sidenote:
when I say “tapping that”
I always imagine a dude just gently tapping the tip of his penis
against any part of a body
sort of like one of those drinking birds they have in bars
just rocking back and forth
tapping)

well, it turns out Oggun isn’t happy about that
and as we’ve already discussed
Oggun is the perpetually drunk god of big knives
so Oggun not being happy with Shango
quickly turns into Oggun being AT WAR with Shango
and Obatala sees this and he’s like “Whoa guys
whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
I didn’t drunkenly create the world to let you assholes fuck it up
I’ma solve this in the only reasonable way:
forced marriage.
Shango, you’re married to this chick Oba now
so you can’t fuck Oya anymore
you’re welcome.”

Shango is actually fine with this
because he has been almost entirely unfaithful to Oya this whole time
like if their relationship were an RPG character
and one of its stats was “unfaithfulness”
that stat would be maxed the fuck out
dude is OPTIMALLY unfaithful
and Oba, the chick he’s being “forced” to marry
is fucking flawless
so he’s like “Oh dang, Obatala
you got me
guess I have to go be married to Oba now
and I guess have a whole bunch of sex with her.
oh darrrrrrn.”

You know who’s actually pissed off though?
Oya
I mean, she’s the goddess of lightning and death
who also happens to breathe fire
being angry is basically her whole thing.
So she goes over to Oba’s place
where Oba lives with her sister Oshun
and Oba and Oshun are like oh shit
here comes Oya, bout to set us both on fire
but Oya is just like “Hey guys, how are you?
I’m just here to hang out and be suspiciously friendly
no violence, I promise.”
and Oshun is like “Okay, that’s suspicious.”
but Oba is like “WOW YOU ARE SO TRUSTWORTHY”
and Oya is like “I KNOW, RIGHT?
Here, lemme give you some advice:
You know Shango, right?”
and Oba is like “My husband?
You could say I know him, yeah.”
and Oya is like “Yeah, well he and I used to fuck
and lemme tell you something about that dude’s dick
it’s basically just a heat-seeking meat-missile
gonna dock with whatever tuna tunnel is closest
girl, you gotta deploy you some countermeasures.”
and Oba is like “Wow ok
what sort of countermeasures should I deploy?
Should I try, like, communicating with him?
Maybe couples counseling?”
and Oya is like “NO
FUCK THAT SHIT
CUT OFF YOUR EAR AND FEED IT TO HIM.”
and Oba is like “THAT’S JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK.”

So she does this thing
she cuts off her ear and stuffs it in Shango’s burrito
and Shango eats it and loves it
and all Oba has to do is wear a head scarf forever
to hide the fact that she CUT OFF HER FUCKING EAR.
Then Oya hits up Shango like “Hey boy
I hear weapons inspectors are en route …
wanna hide your meat missile in my sausage silo?”
and Shango is like “Naw bitch, I’m married now.
I’m taking that commitment uncharacteristically seriously.”
and Oya is like “WTF DUDE
YOU PICKED THE EXACT WRONG TIME TO START HAVING MORALS.
BRO YOUR WIFE IS A WITCH
YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?
BECAUSE SHE CUT OFF HER EAR AND FED IT TO YOU.”
and Shango is like “Whoa, how do you know about that?”
and Oya is like “NEVERMIND HOW I KNOW
GO CONFRONT HER ABOUT IT.”

Meanwhile, Oba goes to her sister Oshun and she’s like “So uh
I kinda … cut off my ear and fed it to my husband?”
and Oshun is like “WHAT THE FUCK”
and Oba is like “I know right?
Maybe I shouldn’t have listened to that chick who hates me.”
and Oshun is like “YA THINK?”
and then Shango shows up like “Hey so
I’ve been hearing some CRAZY things about you
like ACTUALLY crazy things that only a crazy person would do.
Can I … uh … can i see your head real quick
just to make sure you have both ears or whatever?”
and Oba is like “Shit, you got me.”
and Shango is like “WHOA
EW
WHAT THE FUCK, WOMAN
I MARRIED A WOMAN WITH TWO EARS
I’M NOT INTO THIS ONE-EAR SHIT
THAT’S IT
OUR MARRIAGE IS NOW MEANINGLESS
TIME TO GO BACK TO FUCKING EVERY WOMAN
WAS KINDA LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE TO DO THAT ANYWAY
PEACE.”

And Oya is like “Yesss
I get to bang Shango again.
Granted, he’s totally devastated and freaked out
and he’ll never be faithful to me or anyone else ever again
but you know what they say:
you break it, you bang it.”

The end.

Oya is a One-Woman Blitzkrieg

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Chiggity check it out:

There is this chick named Oya
she’s really less of a chick and more of a god
she has a pretty crazy portfolio
as in, the only characteristic shared by all the things she is god of
is that they are all things that are the coolest
like she is in charge of chaos
destruction
lightning
a river
the number nine
and death
but only part of death
like, the part where you first die
where you’re standing at the gates of the cemetery
like “HMM SHOULD I DIE?”
and she’s like “Yeah bro come right in
my sisters will take great care of you
but if you could just hurry it up
I really have some shit I need to destroy/strike with lightning.”

I feel like gods must have pretty high job satisfaction.

So obviously Oya is a super eligible bachelorette
this makes it super complicated to decide who she marries
so Obatala (patron god of the disabled) cuts through the red tape
by stripping Oya of all agency and picking her a husband she hates.
(Obatala gets to be in charge of things
by virtue of the fact that he made humans one time when he was drunk
but that’s a whole other story
that you can read in my book!)

This shitty husband is named Ogun
Obatala gives Oya to Ogun basically just to calm Ogun down
because, see, Ogun is the god of making things out of metal
but unlike some metal-gods I could name
Ogun is actually metal as fuck
like, his favorite metal thing that he has
is a giant metal machete
which he carries with him all the time
and uses to stab EVERYTHING
plus he’s usually drunk, so that doesn’t help.

So Obatala makes Oya marry Ogun
and Oya is like “Seriously?
You want to chain me to this musclebound knife maniac
in the hope that i will make him jizz out all his aggression?
fuck this, I’m having an affair.”
So she hooks up with the absolute best dude to have an affair with:
Chango, GOD OF THUNDER
(yeah, being a philandering nut-lord is one of the prereqs for thunder godhood in any pantheon)
Chango is super into Oya
because obviously
so they instantly start banging up a storm
LITERALLY
HA HA HA

Chango is super happy about this of course
so he celebrates in the natural way:
by getting hammered at a party and dancing his ass off
(is it just me
or are all the Yoruba gods just constantly hammered?
I feel like the Greek gods maybe did a smart thing
by concentrating all the alcoholism on a single member of the pantheon
but if so
that is the ONLY SMART THING THE GREEK GODS DID)
anyway, Chango is drunk-dancing
“swaying his hips and showing all of his sexual masculinity”
and wearing a crown the whole time
to make sure no one forgets that he’s king.

So … the thing about being a dick-swinging thunder god
is that it tends to make you enemies
and the thing about getting drunk at a random party
is that then your enemies show up and kidnap you
and no amount of sexual masculinity can save you from your fate
so some bad guys throw a bag over Chango’s head and tie him up
and he’s like “noooooooo
I only got to do like half as much hip-swinging as I wanted to.”

So meanwhile Oya’s chilling at her place
waiting for Chango to show up so they can fuck
and he left all his stuff at her place
(they are not being very discreet about this affair)
so she gets bored
and goes and checks out Chango’s mortar.
I’m not talking about a mortar as in a piece of heavy artillery
I’m talking about a large heavy bowl
generally filled with meal to be ground
but in this case full of SECRETS

Oya looks in the mortar
and there’s this liquid in it
and reflected in the liquid she sees Chango tied up
and she’s like “bro if you wanted to do that you shoulda just come over”
and he’s like “actually I’m trapped you should help me out.”
and she’s like “ok”
but then she tries to make out with him
and instead gets a mouth full of that mysterious liquid

GUESS WHAT
IT’S GASOLINE
and Oya is the god of lightning
so she’s basically a giant electric ignition system
so every time she opens her mouth now
FIRE SHOOTS OUT
so she’s like “OKAY”
(setting her house on fire in the process)
“TIME TO MAKE THE PAIN RAIN.”

so she calls down some lightning
and she rides that lightning to where Chango is at
and all of a sudden the kidnappers see this chick come plummeting out of the sky
throwing lightning bolts and breathing fucking fire
and she sets Chango free
so he starts chucking thunder
it is awesome
for everyone except for the people who are exploded/on fire/electrocuted

And to this day
whenever Chango goes into battle
he’s always like “Hey Oya
could you go out there and warm up the crowd for me
and by warm up the crowd I mean burn them to a fucking crisp?”
and Oya is like “Shit yeah
let me just put on pants and grow a beard for effect.”
Obviously their relationship is way more stable than Zeus and Hera’s

So the moral of the story
is that the family that slays together
stays together.

The end.

Rats Suck But We Knew This

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So I told the story of Besouro last week
aka THE BLACK BEETLE
which reminded helpful netizen Joey “Josephus” Joestar of ANOTHER story
that is ALSO from brazil
and ALSO involves a beetle
the beetle starts out black
but shit quickly gets out of hand…

so there’s this beetle ambling along
(this is a crazy thing about beetles
normally if you are looking at a beetle
you will see that it is either crawling or scuttling
depending on the surface it’s moving across
but if you zoom in real close
you will discover that it is actually always ambling
this is a key principle of biolinguistics.
Actually no, wait
that’s a totally different thing)
this beetle is not going anywhere in particular
where the fuck does she have to go?
she’s a fucking beetle.

Then there’s this rat
he’s’s not going anywhere in particular either
but he is going there MUCH FASTER
just skittering back and forth all day like a disgusting idiot
(interesting fact about rats
if you are well disposed towards a moving rat, it scampers
if you hate it, it skitters instead
fact 2: no one is well disposed towards rats
because they are terrible and stupid)

so this rat skids to a stop in front of this beetle
like “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT UP DICKBOAT
WHEN IT COMES TO THE SMALLEST, SHITTIEST ANIMALS IN THE FOREST
I AM THE HARLEY DAVIDSON
AND YOU ARE THE HARLEY DAVIDSON SIDECAR
THAT ISN’T ATTACHED TO ANYTHING
BECAUSE YOU ARE SO
DAMN
SLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW”
(he makes his voice real low when he says “slow”
in order to emphasize the slowness he is describing
it is highly unnecessary)

The beetle is pretty offended
but she is used to street harassment from the local fauna
so she’s just like “oh wow yeah you’re so fast good job
I bet you can run really far away and never come back
ready set go.”
but then this parrot swoops in
(parrots only ever swoop.
they are one of the species of birds
that is congenitally incapable of fluttering, flitting, or soaring
it is a tragedy)
and the parrot is like “CA-KAWW, BITCHES
DID SOMEBODY SAY READY SET GO?”
and the beetle is like “I did
but I didn’t want it to become a big thing
can we just drop it”
and the Parrot is like “NO
YOU GUYS ARE RACING NOW
WINNER GETS A PIMP COAT”
and the rat is like “OH FUCK YEAH
I WANT LEOPARD PRINT”
and the beetle is like “Ok, you know what
this is stupid as hell
but i could really use a new coat.”
and the Parrot is like “GREAT
I LOVE RACES
NOBODY EVER RACES WHEN I RANDOMLY SHOW UP AND ASK THEM TO
YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME
OKAY YOU ALREADY SAID READY SET GO
SO NOW THE RACE IS HAPPENINGGGGGGG”

then the Parrot swoops off
and the rat starts hauling ass
(this is possible due to a technicality:
all animals, in periods of extreme excitement/stress
with the possible exception of the slow loris
are capable of hauling ass
even if that is not how they normally move
the only animal that moves this way constantly
is the snail
snails do not move very fast
but they are always moving as fast as they possibly can
hence, hauling ass
this knowledge suddenly makes watching snails REALLY EXCITING)

so the rat is skittering his disease-ridden ass off
already making plans for the clubs he is going to get into with his sweet coat
and the beetle is nowhere to be seen
until he arrives at the end of the race
and the beetle and the parrot are just chilling out waiting for him
and he’s like “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK”
and the beetle is like “well since this race was officiated by a bird
flying was totally legal
so I just sorta did that”
and the rat is like “YOU CAN FLY?!”
and the beetle is like “yeah
what did you think all this junk in my trunk was?”
(oh yeah, I forgot to mention the flying earlier
when I was explaining how beetles move.
this is a literary technique known as “neglecting to tell you key information.”)
so the beetle gets a pimp coat
that doubles as sweet green battle armor
and everyone continues to hate rats forever.

So the moral of the story
is you shouldn’t let birds officiate races
they are totally biased.

the end.

Besouro Kicks Cops in the Face

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Hey I was at a convention all weekend
it was in Indianapolis and it was called Gen Con
maybe some of you were also there.
While I was there I got to play a really great round of a really great RPG
run by a dude who turned out to know MORE ABOUT MYTHOLOGY THAN ME
(he has a cool tumblr that you can read)
after rapping a good portion of the Odyssey for me
he told me about a mythological baddass I’d never heard of
whose tale I must now pass on to you.
This dude is known as THE BLACK BEETLE.

But for the purposes of this post
we are going to call him by his non-anglicized name, Besouro
because when you try to search THE BLACK BEETLE on google
you end up with this clown
TheBlackBeetle_NoWayOut_01_05
and he has absolutely nothing to do with our story.

So Besouro gets born in Brazil in the 1890s
and his parents make the HUGE mistake
of being black in Brazil in the 1890s
which means that Beouro also turns out black
which means that as far as the colonial government of Brazil is concerned
his main job is to do things he hates
in order to make other (not black) dudes rich
normally this would be called slavery
but Brazil just officially outlawed slavery
so it’s just …
a really bad deal?

Besouro is not a dude who is down with really bad deals
so he gets an old ex-slave dude to teach him Capoeira
(the art of dancing people to death)
and then when he is old enough
he takes justice into his own hands
also his own feet
mostly his feet, actually
Capoeira is mainly kicks

Now, normally one mostly-naked lord of the dance
would have trouble humiliating the entire Brazilian police force
but Besouro has a secret
a secret which is buried in his INCREDIBLY SWEET NAME.
See, the reason he’s called “Besouro” (aka “THE BLACK BEETLE”)
is because he can turn into a black beetle when he’s in trouble
and just fly away.
beetles are pretty slow at flying though
(prolly would have been better if he’d called himself BLACK FALCON or BLACK JET PLANE)
but he also has a last name
Manganga
which means “Totally immune to bullets.”
GUYS
EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO CHANGE MY LAST NAME

But it’s not as easy as just changing your name, my friends
in order to net this sweet bullet immunity
Besouro had to make a deal with Eshu himself
yes that’s right
ESHU
PAPA LEGBA
THE CIGAR-SMOKING DICK TRAIN WHO LIVES SOLELY TO FUCK WITH PEOPLE
IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD.
So yeah, Eshu hits up Besouro one day and he’s like “dude
I would love to see some crooked cops get kicked in the mouth
bow down to me and I will make this shit happen.”
and Besouro is initially a little wary of making this deal
but then Eshu hands him his ass in a fight
and Besouro is like “Okay fine
but only because I really like kicking crooked cops in the mouth.”
and Eshu is like “Awesome.
Here’s what we’re gonna do:
me and my pals
– that is, the other Orisha –
are going to give you what is called a closed body
because, see
the reason bullets go into most people’s bodies
is because those bodies are like ‘hey, door’s open, come right in.’
whereas your body is gonna be like ‘hell no, go away’
it is what we like to call
THE ORIGINAL LIFE HACK.”

So for about seven years
that’s all Besouro roams from town to town
humiliating the constabulary with his invincibility
and then turning into a beetle when shit gets too real.
Like, they send a dozen cops after him
and he just takes all their guns
and then shows up to the police station later
with a shopping cart full of guns
like “Here you go guys
I figured you might need these
for arresting someone who is NOT IMMUNE TO FUCKING BULLETS.”

The police don’t really believe the whole bullet immunity thing
because let’s face it, it’s kind of a ridiculous thing to believe
but years go by
and Besouro is just stomping sternums with impunity
and black people are getting disconcertingly independent
and this whole time nobody has hit him with any bullets
so finally the police are like “You know what
we’ve been firing our guns constantly at this guy
for like half a decade
not even Imperial Storm Troopers are this inaccurate.
Maybe … we should use magic?”

So this arch-dickhead named Doutor Zeca talks to a wizard or something
and finds out that whereas Besouro is immune to bullets
the protection does not extend to wooden knives
so he calls up Besouro
and … asks him to deliver a letter to another dude.
So Besouro delivers this letter
which basically says “Dear other dude:
please kill the guy who brought you this letter
he is weak against wooden knives
also prostitutes.
Love, Doutor Zeca.”

Okay, I may be missing something
but WHY ARE EVIL DUDES ALWAYS SENDING LETTERS LIKE THIS?
It happens in Hamlet
it happens in Greek Mythology
are kings just super nervous about getting their hands dirty?
if so, wouldn’t the kings they’re sending these dudes to be just as murder-averse?
maybe every king has one really violent friend
and that’s the dude they send all their enemies to.
I dunno
the point is that Besouro can’t read
so he doesn’t know what he’s getting into
and then his host buys him some sex
(because Besouro isn’t invincible if he gets laid right before a fight)
and then kills him with like 40 dudes
some of whom have wooden knives.
It sucks
but at least he gets a couple songs named after him
also, slavery eventually ends for real
kind of?

Anyway, the moral of the story
is always bring a wooden knife to a gunfight.

The end.

Teen Kullervo? Still an Asshole.

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So Kullervo gets apprenticed
to a blacksmith and his woman
but the blacksmith’s always elsewhere
so it’s really just the woman
(who’s just called “the blacksmith’s woman.”
Finland doesn’t name its women.)
So this woman sees Kullervo
and she doesn’t really like him
not that I can really blame her
so she packs him up a lunchbox
and then sits him down and tells him:

“I’ma make you be my shepherd
go defend my cows from goblins
also bears and wolves and werewolves
(Finland has a wildlife problem)
then you need to bring them back here
where I’ll milk their fucking tits off
man I REALLY love that dairy
all that butter, milk and yogurt
all that cheese and ice cream sundaes
have you ever taken warm milk
and just poured it on your body
rubbed it all over your body
til it’s dripping off your body
wow I think I have a boner.”
and Kullervo’s like “…okay then”

So he takes the lady’s cattle
out across the Finnish prairie
and it’s really fucking boring
and he’s pretty goddamn hungry
so he digs into his lunchbox
and he finds a big ol’ oat cake
so he sticks his knife into it
(just to see if he can kill it)
but the oat-cake has a secret:
THERE’S A ROCK INSIDE THIS OAT CAKE
WHY ARE ROCKS INSIDE AN OAT CAKE?
CAUSE THAT LADY IS AN ASSHOLE
now Kullervo’s knife is broken
which is really disappointing
how’s he gonna murder people?
but a bird appears and tells him:
“You’re a wizard, dude, remember?
You can fuck shit up with magic.
I’m a bird, and I support this.”
(birds are terrible, I tell you)
so Kullervo calls the goblins
and the wolves, and bears, and werewolves
plus the vultures and the dragons
and the cattle mutilators
man, those cows don’t know what hit em

then he rounds up all those monsters
while they’re gnawing on that beefsteak
and he makes them look like cattle
just to prank his shitty mistress
then he goes back to the castle
and he tells her “come touch udders!”
but she’s like “you fucking do it.”
and he’s like “Oh man, I’d love to
boy these udders look so luscious
I can’t wait to squirt the milk out
squirt it all over my body
rub the nipples on my body
til there’s yogurt on my body…”
and the lady’s like “I’M COMING.”

so she runs into the front yard
all like “LET ME TOUCH THE UDDERS”
but there aren’t any udders
all there is are wolves and goblins
and she’s like “Oh shit, don’t eat me”
and she asks the gods to save her
but Kullervo prays to kill her
and the gods like that dick better
so that crazy dame gets eaten
crying out in butter anguish
and Kullervo’s like “Aw hell yea
serves you right for shitty biscuits
time to go and cause more problems
bet this won’t have consequences.”

So the moral of this story
is to brush up on your baking.