Author Archives: Ovid

Merry Holidays or whatever

Posted on by
9

Hey guys,

Christmas hit me with an unprecedented violence this year, and I didn’t have time to set up the buffer I would have liked. I’m taking the rest of the year off, and I’ll be back with more 100% original swears and 100% not original mythology in January. In the meantime, if you really desperately need a distraction from your horrible family, you could always read my books, or check out these other Christmas posts I’ve done over the years:

Rudolph

The Twelve Days of Christmas

A Christmas Carol

Twas the Night Before Christmas

Frosty the Snowman

I hope your season is filled with joy or at least chinese food and beer.

Matty Groves Must Give Good Head

Posted on by
7

So here’s a cool thing I learned
from my friend who was born in West Virginia:
long ago in england
before condoms or twitter
people entertained themselves by singing dumb songs
and then later some of these people moved to North America
but they kept singing their dumb songs
because I guess nobody told them about twitter or condoms
or anything else, apparently
because, see
the forms of these songs have remained ALMOST UNCHANGED
from way way way back in the day
like, compare this
to this
to this:

So there’s this dude Matty Groves
and he’s got a lot to prove
because first of all he is a very small fellow
(perhaps a child?
the ballad is not clear
but it is called a Child ballad so it’s possible)
plus
his name MATTY GROVES
that’s only one step above Dick Bush on the shitty names ladder

So Matty Groves is at a holiday party
it is the medieval equivalent of an office christmas party
which means that all the lords and ladies are in attendance
and people are getting drunk
and making decisions they will perhaps regret.
Matty Groves is one of these people.
So Matty is chilling in the great hall or whatever
and these three chicks walk in:
one is dressed in green
one is dressed in red
and Maddy Groves is like “red and green?
that’s a bit too matchy-matchy for me.”
but the third one is dressed in white
and Maddy Groves is like “D-D-D-DONUTS”
and he turns to the dude next to him and he’s like “yo
You see that chick dressed in white?
I know she got a man
specifically a man named Lord Daniel
(or lord Arlen
or lord Barnetts or Barnard or Barnaby
depending on the version you’re looking at
which just suggests to me
that this dame got AROUND)
but do you know how many fucks I give?
none many
I’m gonna play the lap-sax with her ALL NIGHT.”

In other versions of the story
it’s the Lord’s wife that approaches Matty Groves
like “hey little boy let’s fuck”
so this interaction is either sleezy or pedophiley
take your pick.
Either way, the problem
(other than the sleaze and pedophilia)
is that some dude who works for Lord Daniel
just HAPPENS to be standing nearby
and he overhears this shit
and he’s like “Oh fuck
if Maddy Groves bangs Lord Daniel’s wife
and he finds out I didn’t do shit
I’m gonna be out of a job
and Lord Daniel gives DENTAL
that is SO RARE in medieval England
it’s practically an anachronism!”

But this pageboy doesn’t have a horse
he doesn’t even have a bike
he has to RUN
He has to run like TEN MILES
and then he gets to a river
and the BRIDGE is broken
so he has to swim across
and run like another ten miles
and finally he shows up at Lord Daniel’s house
because I guess Lord Daniel hates christmas
and also maybe his wife.
Maybe this whole infidelity thing is starting to make sense.

Anyway the page starts banging on the door
and Lord Daniel opens it up in his smoking jacket like “WHAT
WHAT DO YOU WANT
IT’S LIKE 3AM”
and the page is like “Dude, Matty Groves is about to fuck your wife
actually at this point he probably has fucked your wife
it took me a while to get here
and from what I’ve heard about Matty Groves
and your wife tbh
they are probably L-O-V-I-N-G IT”
So lord Daniel picks him up by the collar
and he’s like “Ok kid
if you’re lying to me I will straight up kill you
but if you’re telling me the truth
I don’t know, I’ll buy you a pizza or something.”
So Lord Daniel puts on his shades
jumps on his motorcycle
and takes off.

MEANWHILE, IN LORD DANIEL’S BEDROOM
(because oh yeah
I guess the christmas party was at Lord Daniel’s house
which makes it even weirder that he wasn’t there)
Matty Groves wakes up and he’s like “shit
what was that noise
that sounded like a motorcycle revving
and Lord Daniel is the only dude I know
who owns a motorcycle in Medieval England
I gotta get out of here”
but Lord Daniel’s wife is like “shhhh
don’t worry about that sound
it’s just … feudalism or something
go back to bed”
so clearly she wants Maddy Groves to fucking die

because what happens next is they both wake up
and Lord Daniel is standing at the foot of the bed
with TWO SWORDS
like “SURPRISE, BITCHES
Now get up, Matty Groves
put some damn pants on
I’m not gonna kill you with your dick out
people would talk”
So Matty starts putting on his clothes
and he’s like “Ok man look
because of our ridiculous code of chivalry
you definitely can’t kill me right now
I have zero swords
you have two swords
that’s like
200% more swords than I have
not cool.”
And Lord Daniel is like “Ok first of all
200% of zero is still zero
and fuck me if I’m getting talked down by someone who doesn’t understand math
but second of all yes
these swords are dope
I brought them from the future, I’m a time traveler
but I ain’t greedy
I give my employees dental, for fuck’s sake
one of these swords IS FOR YOU”

So Matty Groves, having run out of excuses, takes a sword
and Lord Daniel even lets him strike first
but Matty is a lover, not a fighter
so Lord Daniel gets to strike back
and he kills the poor little bastard in one blow
and then
with the dead body still bleeding all over the floor
Lord Daniel goes over and sits his wife on his lap and he’s like “ok look
if I was you and you was me
what would you do about all this”
and Lord Daniel’s wife looks deep into her own soul
and asks herself that eternal question:
Was the D worth it?
and the answer
is YES
so she says, “Boy
you’re pretty and everything
you got a nice chin
but not only do I like Matty Groves better than you
I like him better than your WHOLE family
so when you murder me
because I know that’s what’s going down
bury me somewhere nice
like, away from your gross parents
and put Matty right next to me
like within dicking distance
and when you die?
boy i know what you’re into
you can be buried by my feet.”

So yeah then Lord Daniel kills his wife
and probably has a hell of a time finding another one

so the moral of the story
is that open relationships solve a lot of problems.

The end.

Set Doesn’t Know When to Quit, and Neither Does His Ass

Posted on by
4

Okay so I told at least part of this story a while ago
and there is a version of that version in my INCREDIBLE FIRST BOOK
but two things have happened since then:

ONE: my shitty friend Andrew won’t stop bothering me to tell it again
because I guess he doesn’t read my archives

TWO: I found a new and better source for this story that is WAY WEIRDER

SO BUCKLE YOUR BUTTS, NINJAS
WE’RE GOING TO EGYPT.

So Horus and Set both want to be king of the gods
everyone pretty much agrees on how this came to pass:
Set chopped up the previous king (Osiris) and ate his dick
his wife (Isis) found all the pieces and resurrected him using a cock of gold
she got pregnant from the gold cock and gave birth to Horus
Set killed Horus with some poison burgers, but death didn’t stick
so now Horus has grown up
and he has a legit claim to the throne
and everything is problems.

The way the Egyptian gods try to solve this should actually seem pretty familiar
what they do is they get together a council
of all the oldest, crankiest, and most conservative gods
and they bicker with each other for decades, failing to solve anything
half of them support Set
because he’s older and he’s got a big dick
and half of them support Horus
because he is THE SON OF THE PREVIOUS KING
AND THE OTHER CANDIDATE HAS TRIED TO MURDER HIM MANY TIMES

Set has a crazy amount of influence though
because like I said, half the gods are in bed with Big Desert
perhaps literally, but I’ll get to that.
Anyway, he manages to get Isis banned from the meeting
effectively hanging a big “NO GIRLS ALLOWED” sign over the door
but she bribes her way onto their secret island
and then she transforms herself into the hottest chick in the universe
and Set’s hot chick radar starts going crazy, so he goes off to stalk her
(Set’s hot chick radar is actually just his boner.)
He’s like “Hey pretty lady, what are you doing here?”
and she’s like “Well see my husband died
and his son was tending all our cows
but then some stranger just busted into our house
beat the shit out of my son
and was like ‘these are my cows now.'”
and Set is like “Wow that’s fucked up
obviously the cows belong to your son.”
and Isis turns back into herself and she’s like “HAHA GOT YOU BITCH
THE ANALOGY IS PERFECT, EAT A DICK
OH WAIT
YOU ALREADY DID”
and Set is like “FUCK YOU I ONLY SAID THAT SHIT BECAUSE YOU WERE HOT”
and then he runs back to the council and tells them everything

so the council is like “well?
are you going to give up your claim to the throne then?”
and Set is like “WHAT? NO
HORUS
TURN INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS WITH ME
WE WILL GO INTO THE WATER AND SEE WHO CAN HOLD HIS BREATH LONGER
WHOEVER STAYS UNDER FOR THREE MONTHS WILL BE KING.”
and everyone is like “O…okay”

So Horus and Set go underwater
and Isis is like “this is bad
Set can hold his breath forever
it’s what makes him so good at oral”
so she makes a harpoon
and she chuck it into the water
but she accidentally hits Horus
and Horus is like “OW MOM WHAT THE FUCK”
and Isis is like “Oh shit sorry”
so she pulls back the harpoon and throws it at Set
and Set is like “OW SIS WHAT THE FUCK”
and Isis is like “Oh yeah you’re my brother huh”
so she pulls the barb out
and Horus is like “Seriously mom?
That dude is never not trying to kill me
why would you spare him?”
and Isis is like “Family values I guess?”
so Horus is like “I’ll show you family values”
and he chops off her head and leaves with it.

So now shit has really gone off the rails
Isis turns herself into a flint statue
(she’s apparently not dead though)
and the whole king thing is put on hold
just to track down Horus and tell him off
but unfortunately Set finds him first, while Horus is sleeping
REMOVES HIS EYEBALLS
and buries them in the sand
where they grow into lotuses for some reason.
Then set goes back to the other gods like “nope, didn’t find Horus
where did he go?
I guess it’s a mystery we will never solve now make me king.”
But Hathor, the chillest of the gods, finds Horus
and she is like “hey
dude,
Open your eye(s) so that I may put this milk in them”
(^^^^actual direct quote from the source
and also the kind of thing that would never get me to open my eyes
unless someone had already taken my eyes out and turned them into lotuses I guess)
anyway Hathor pours milk in Horus’s eyesockets
and i guess makes him new eyes out of mozzarella balls or something

So Horus shows back up at the council
like “hey I’m back
no thanks to Set, who gouged out my eyes.”
and Set is like “Boy this is awkward
hey Horus
why don’t you come over to my house for dinner and a sleepover
it will be an adult slumber party, it will be great.”

So Horus goes over to Set’s house for dinner
and he’s like “Hey I brought some beer if you want it
I hope you don’t try to kill me”
and Set is like “Haha whaaaat?
No way
that was the old Set
the new Set just wants to have sex with you”
and Horus is like “Oh
well that sounds safe”
so they do it in the butt
or at least between Horus’s thighs
but they don’t have a condom and Horus is all about safe sex
so instead of catching Set’s sperm in his butt
he catches it in his hands
and then he goes directly to Isis
and he’s like “Hey mom, Set jizzed on my hands”
and she’s like “EW EW EW WHAT THE FUCK”
and chops his hands off and throws them in a river
which seems like it would be inconvenient for Horus
except he chopped his mom’s head off earlier and she seems fine.

Anyway then Isis is like “Here, take this Viagra
Great, now bust a nut in this jar
okay, now sit tight while I pop over to Set’s garden
and dump this jizz all over his lettuce”
(btw ancient egyptians apparently considered lettuce an aphrodisiac
which actually explains a lot about rabbits)
Set, being a raw food vegan who likes to fuck
chows down on lettuce every night
so he just gobbles up all of Horus’s sperm
and immediately becomes pregnant

the two of them show up at the council the next day
and Set’s like “Okay guys, debate over
I peed in Horus’s butt
and we all know that you can’t be king with another man’s pee in your butt
it’s the law.”
and Horus is like “You did NOT pee in my butt
but I DID spooge in your salad”
and Set is like “Nuh uh”
and Horus is like “Yuh huh”
and Thoth, GOD OF WISDOM, is like “Okay guys there’s a very easy way to solve this
let’s just summon y’all’s sperm and see where it’s at
HEY SET’S SPERM, REPRESENT”
and Set’s sperm is like “We’re in the river, just chilling”
and then Thoth is like “HORUS’S SPERM, WHERE YOU AT?”
and they’re like “We’re in Set’s stomach. It sucks.”
and Thoth is like “Prove it. Come out his ear.”
and they’re like “Seriously?
we are divine sperm
and you want us to ooze out of a guy’s ear?”
and Thoth is like “fine, come out the top of his head”
and they’re like “that’s more like it”
and they spurt out of his head and form a golden halo
which Thoth takes
and proceeds to WEAR
next time you look at a picture of angels
imagine that they’re all wearing jizzcrowns
also
the concept of talking sperm is terrifying to me
i feel like my sperm would have some shit to say
it would be just like that song.
ALSO
some scholars believe that set actually gave birth to Thoth
as a result of these lettuce shenanigans
which would mean that his man-womb would have to be a time machine
like the ones from Primer
powerful enough to send Thoth back to when Horus was a baby
so he could fuck up Set’s plans in the past
which i guess is what babies mostly do anyway.

So yeah, seems like a pretty open and shut case
which is why Set does the reasonable thing
and challenges Horus to a boat race for kingship
which he loses, because he builds his boat out of rocks
but the council is STILL UNDECIDED
so they write a letter to Osiris
who is not dead
and has just been ruling the underworld this whole time
like “who should we make king?”
and Osiris is like “I DON’T KNOW HOW ABOUT MY SON???”
and they’re like “Yeah but”
and Osiris is like “BUT WHAT?
WHAT ARGUMENT COULD YOU POSSIBLY MAKE AT THIS POINT?”
and they’re like “Hm.
I guess when you put it that way
long live Horus.”

The moral of the story
is that if your defeat is assured
you can always filibuster
and if that doesn’t work
you can always fill him, buster
and if that doesn’t work
well
at least you had an orgasm.

The end.

Thoth Bangs Nut for DAYS

Posted on by
5

Thoth is the bee’s fucking knees
like if you have ever looked at a bee
and been like why is that bee walking so stiffly
the answer is
because it has no knees
Thoth stole them
by being them.

We’re talking about a dude who got fed up with not existing
so he grabbed existence by the hair and being like
SAY MY NAME BITCH
but existence, being a concept, couldn’t say shit
so Thoth was like FINE I’LL DO IT:
THOTH
BOOM
I EXIST NOW.
This is a dude not to be trifled with.

So one day Thoth is busting a nut up in Nut
the goddess of the sky/RA’S FUCKING WIFE
and Nut’s like hey maybe we should keep it down
don’t want my husband
who is also THE KING OF THE UNIVERSE AND LORD OF THE SUN
to find out I’m cheating on him with you
and Ra’s like WHAT’S THAT HONEY?
DID YOU FORGET THAT I SEE LITERALLY EVERYTHING?
SERIOUSLY, I RIDE MY SUN CHARIOT ACROSS YOUR BACK EVERY DAY
AND NOW YOUR ASS IS GETTING CURSED
SEE, I KNOW YOU MUST BE PREGNANT
EVERYTHING IN MYTHOLOGY CAUSES PREGNANCY
SO HOW ABOUT YOU CAN’T GIVE BIRTH
ON ANY DAY OF ANY MONTH OF ANY YEAR
ENJOY PERMA-PREGNANCY, DEMI-SLUT

this is a really brutal punishment
especially considering Thoth is not the only dude Nut’s been banging
so she’s actually pregnant x5
imagine being immortal AND pregnant forever
FIVE pregnant.
I DO NOT RECOMMEND THE EXPERIENCE.

Thoth feels bad for Nut because this is kind of his fault
and also now one of his kids is trapped inside her
but what’s he gonna do?
he can’t break a curse laid down by the sun-lord himself
that would be ridiculous.
No, better to just hustle the moon
much more doable.

So Thoth goes to the moon and he’s like yo moon
I heard you liked this game called senet
it’s basically our version of snakes and ladders
wanna play?
and the moon
who is bored out of his shiny white mind up there in the night sky
is like yes of course
so they play a couple rounds
and Thoth loses like a chump
and then he’s like “Okay, okay
why don’t we make this a little more fun.
If you win the next round, I’ll give you SECRET KNOWLEDGE
because that’s all I’ve got. I’m the god of that.
And if I win, you give me an hour’s worth of moonlight.”
which is sort of like saying “If you win, I’ll share you an ebook
and if I win, you give me a pint of your blood.”
but the moon is pretty confident, and he loves ebooks, so he’s like sure
and Thoth fucking tramples him.
He wins like 40 games in a row
making sure to keep the margins narrow so the moon will keep playing
and when he’s collected FIVE FULL DAYS WORTH OF MOONLIGHT
he’s like “Alright man, it’s been real
I gotta go fuck up time now
peace”
and the moon is like “WAIT
NO
DOUBLE OR NOTHING
COME ON”

From that day on, the moon is too god damn weak to be full everyday
which is why the moon does the slow fade every four weeks now
he’s exhausted
he is missing blood
it’s a whole huge problem.

But what does Thoth do with all that blood?
he pours it into the end of the year and makes FIVE BONUS DAYS
and since these are bonus days made of moon blood and black magic
they don’t count as part of the year for the purposes of Ra’s curse
and Nut is free to have as many babies on these days as she wants
so she has one baby per day
including Isis, Osiris, and Set.
These are pretty legit babies
who will go on to cause a lot of problems.

Anyway that’s why the year has 365 days instead of a sweet 360
which just goes to show
that gambling is a great way to solve all your relationship problems

the end.

THE MATRIX

Posted on by
5

Right so there’s this dude named Tom
his last name is Anderson
and his screen name is Neo
which is crazy
because how was that not already taken
it’s only 3 letters
and it doesn’t have any numbers after it or anything
that’s probably the single least believable part of this story

Tom is a conspiracy theorist
he is convinced that something is wrong with the world
and he is running a constant google search
through a grainy green-on-black version of the internet
trying to find some dude named Morpheus
and also what “The Matrix” is
like duh it’s the movie you’re in, asshole
read a book.

Tom falls asleep at his computer one night
like he does every night of his sad life
but this time he gets an IM from some snarky anon
all “wake up Neo
the Matrix has you
follow the white rabbit
[a thing that has NEVER gone well for ANYONE]
someone is going to knock on your door right now”
and then someone KNOCKS ON HIS DOOR
if I were him
i would have asked the dude at the door if he was trolling
but Tom instead notices that the dude’s girlfriend
has a tattoo of a white rabbit on her shoulder
which he takes as a good enough excuse
to get fucked up on a week night

at the club he meets this chick named Trinity
who spent the first ten minutes of the movie
ruining an entire swat team
and then swan diving into a skyscraper
but will from now on do almost nothing badass on screen
because the boy is here.
She tells Tom she knows who morpheus is
and that he’s looking for him and whatever
she does this really seductively for no reason
and then Tom wakes up hung over
and he goes to work and gets chewed out by his boss
and then he gets a cell phone in the mail
and the cell phone is like “HEY THERE I’M MORPHEUS
YOU NEED TO LEAVE WORK RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THE POLICE WANT YOU”
so like
why did they not just meet up last night
why did they wait until the next day
when he was stuck at work and chased by evil cops
some people are so inconsiderate.

Obviously Tom fails to escape
because he was set up for failure by his shitty new friends
and he gets taken captive by these freaky government agents
who act real smug and put a centipede inside him
but luckily it was all a dream
except it wasn’t because then Morpheus calls him again
like “Hey I’m glad the agents let you go for no reason
let’s meet up now.”
so Neo gets in a classic car under an old bridge
and trinity is there to attach a penis pump to his stomach
and then they go to another abandoned building to meet Morpheus
(btw every building in the world is fucking abandoned i guess)

So Morpheus (who wears sunglasses at night
just like everyone else who understands the true nature of reality)
Morpheus sits Neo down and he’s like “Listen:
reality is a lie
everything is the Matrix.
You know what’s not a lie though?
These cool drugs.
The blue one will knock you the fuck out
the red one will OPEN YOU FUCKING MIND”
so Neo takes the red pill because he is not a wuss
and then he wakes up
and realizes that everything he has ever experienced has been a lie
and that reality is ACTUALLY a sunless hellworld
where human beings are used as living batteries by the matriarchy

It turns out that reality is total bullshit
everybody is pale and lives in the sewer and eats gruel
and the only fun part is that sometimes you can jack back into matrix
and almost get killed
by a bunch of guys who look like the Blues Brothers’ dad
and are actually just really aggressive sysadmins
I guess there is one other fun part
which is that everyone has hovercrafts
and the one Neo is on belongs to Morpheus.
Morpheus is convinced that Neo is “The One”
that is, the dude foretold by prophecy
who will be able to bend the Matrix to his will
(because oh yeah, the Matrix is just a computer simulation
designed to pacify all the human batteries
by allowing them to perpetually experience the height of human civilization:
1999)
Morpheus has been around for many years
and has freed many people from the Matrix
but none of them are The One
because they’re all mostly women or minorities.

So they install a bunch of apps on Neo
like “Kung Fu” and “Cyber Goth Fashion Sense”
and then he takes him to see The Oracle
which, if mythology has taught us NOTHING ELSE
we should know is a BAD FUCKING IDEA.
The oracle is pretty nice though
she gives Neo cookies
tells him he’s gonna have to choose between his life and Morpheus’s
and asks a bunch of leading questions
that cause him to conclude that he’s not the one
and she’s like “Sorry kid
Maybe in your next life or something.”
and then he goes outside
and Morpheus is like “you don’t have to tell me a thing, buddy
we both know what she told you, right?
WINK”
and Neo is like “Ugh so awkward.”

Meanwhile, exactly one member of Morpheus’s crew is not an idiot
and his name is Cypher.
He has concluded
totally correctly
that living in a sewer eating semen out of a rusty tin
is NOT awesome
slap as much cyberpunk shit on it as you want
you are still slurping jizz soup inside a highly advanced toilet
so he makes a deal with the sysadmins:
they will put him back into the matrix
if he lets them nab Morpheus inside the Matrix.
So that’s what he does
he leads the agents to Morpheus
he manages to get out of the matrix while everyone else is still inside
he zaps the two dudes manning the consoles with a lightning gun
and then he starts unplugging all the expendable characters one by one
but I guess he didn’t use enough lightning
because one of the guys he zapped gets up and zaps him
RIGHT AS HE’S ABOUT TO UPLUG NEO
IT’S FAAAAAAAAAAATE
ALSO MOST OF HIS FRIENDS ARE DEEEEEEEEAD.

Neo goes understandably crazy when he gets out
partially because of what the oracle said
and he’s like “fuck it, I’m going back in to rescue Morpheus”
and Trinity is like “That’s suicide
I’m going with you to also die”
so they go to get Morpheus
who the agents are holding in a tall office building with many windows
and not a windowless prison compound
even though
based on the street names
this story takes place in Chicago
and Chicago has an actual prison right in the middle of downtown.
This strategic oversight is what allows Trinity and Neo
to walk in through the front door
shoot everyone with their countless automatic weapons
pointlessly blow up the lobby while they ride the elevator cable to the roof
hijack a helicopter
shoot up the room that Morpheus and the agents are in
(remembering, luckily, to turn friendly fire off)
and then whisk him away to a train station
where a phone booth will take them out of the Matrix

Morpheus and Trinity get out
but RIGHT AS NEO IS ABOUT TO GET OUT
one of the agents posesses a hobo and shoots the phone
so Neo has to fight him and it’s cool
but when throwing the agent under a moving train fails to kill him
Neo realizes it’s better to just run

Meanwhile in real life
the evil robots of the matriarchy have found Morpheus’s hoverboat
they are cutting it apart with lasers
and they can’t use the EMP on them because that would kill Neo
but luckily, around this time
one of the Agents shoots Neo in the face in the matrix and he dies
so now they can use the EMP
except everyone is too sad
and Trinity starts making out with his corpse
because see the Oracle told her she would fall in love with a man
and that man would be THE ONE
SO HE CAN’T DIE
and I guess Trinity’s hot smooches remind Neo
that the matrix is a bullshit computer simulation
and why the fuck would it matter if he got shot in a computer simulation
so he respawns
eats everybody’s bullets
jumps into an agent’s chest and explodes him
and the whole time all the agents are like “HAAAAAAXXXXXXXXXXXX”

but there is no time to be cool, robots are attacking
Neo jacks out of the matrix and they kill all the robots
everything is fine
and the Oracle is technically correct
because it did take Neo dying before he became The One.
Anyway then he spends the rest of his life
flying around the Matrix in a black leather trenchcoat
yelling “WAKE UP SHEEPLE” into random payphones
and no one makes any sequels ever and it’s great.

so the moral of the story
is if you feel like you can’t live up to the expectations of everyone around you
because you don’t have and have never had the necessary knowledge or skills
or the drive to practice those skills
or really anything that prepared you for the responsibility in any way
kill yourself
and come immediately back to life as a superhero

the end.

Alice and Her Adventures in Gaslighting

Posted on by
10

Right so there’s this kid Alice
she doesn’t have anything to do because she is a kid
and child labor is like frowned on or something
so instead she is just sitting under a dumb tree with her sister
when this rabbit runs by

now normally this would not be unusual
rabbits can only move by running
and they don’t normally stop to hang out
pretty rude honestly
but this rabbit is wearing PEOPLE CLOTHES
and a little pocketwatch
and is muttering to himself in HUMAN ENGLISH
about how late he is
and she’s like “hey sis did you see that?”
and her sister is like “I didn’t see anything.”
THIS IS HOW IT BEGINS.

So Alice is like “fuck you” and she follows the rabbit
and she’s a dumb clumsy baby so she falls down his rabbit hole
it is incredibly deep for a rabbit hole
giving her enough time to resign herself to death
and then start thinking about her cat
but she doesn’t die for some reason
she lands in a big fancy room with a key and some drugs in it
the drugs say “drink me” on them so she figures she’d better
and they turn her into a tiny person
which is good because there is a tiny door to go through
but she left the key on the table when she drank the drugs
and now she can’t get it
it’s like one of those procedural adventure game puzzles
where if you fuck up the order you have to wipe your save file and restart
Alice should kill herself is what I’m saying
but no, instead she mopes around until she finds a cake that says EAT ME on it
and she’s like “fuck you too, cake”
but then she eats it anyway
all of it
and it makes her enormous
SHE TOOK TOO MUCH
BAD TRIP BAD TRIP
she starts crying and crying
she floods the whole room because she is so huge
she is an ecological crisis
then the rabbit rolls in and is like “HOLY FUCK A GIANT WOMAN”
and she’s like “HOLY FUCK A TALKING RABBIT”
but only the rabbit is capable of fleeing
so he does, and he leaves a little fan behind
which Alice STEALS because she is a BAD PERSON
so it serves her right when the fan makes her shrink again
once again without the fucking key
and she starts drowning in her tears

So then a bunch of animals show up
and engage in a stupid and pointless game called a Caucus Race
which I’m sure is an utterly gripping political allegory
until Alice scares them away by talking about her cat
for a person trapped in an acid trip
Alice spends a lot of time talking about her cat
I guess this sort of behavior predates the internet

Anyway then the rabbit shows up again
to try and recover his clothing accessories
but all he finds is a tiny girl in a sea of tears
so naturally he assumes she’s his maidservant
and sends her to his house to get more gloves and fans.
Alice does as she’s asked
(oh yeah that whole room and locked door disappeared
continuity is for weenies)
but she only makes it as far as the rabbit’s bedroom
when she finds his drugs that he just left lying on the counter
so she chugs the drugs because it’s been going GREAT SO FAR
and what do you know, she becomes giant again
she becomes so giant she cannot move inside the house
she is just a bunch of shitty arms and legs sticking out of a house
as a result of drinking some liquid
that this rabbit just LEFT OUT ON HIS COUNTER
like DO YOU REALIZE THE MILITARY APPLICATIONS OF THIS SHIT?
Didn’t they make a garbage cgi sequel to this story
where they had to fight a war or something?
where the fuck was this super soldier serum in that movie
seems like it would have been way useful

anyway all these animals gather to pelt Alice with rocks
and the rocks turn into cake
which she eats and it makes her tiny again
so there is like NO CONSISTENCY TO WHAT THESE THINGS DO
SOMETIMES THE CAKE MAKES YOU SMALL, SOMETIMES HUGE
THIS IS POOR UI DESIGN IS WHAT THIS IS
whatever
Alice leaves the rabbit’s definitely ruined house
and wanders into some woods
because that seems fucking safe.

in the woods she eventually runs into a caterpillar
but the caterpillar is too stoned to be of any fucking use
it’s just like “yeah man eat some of this mushroom i’m sitting on
i am sure it will solve ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS.”
and through trial and error Alice soon discovers that
JUST LIKE EVERY INGESTABLE THING IN THIS WORLD
part of the mushroom makes her smaller
and the other part makes her large
or at least her neck grows longer
and by carefully combining these two potent pharmaceutical mushrooms
she is able to once again achieve a normal size
just in time to start trespassing on someone’s estate.

I mean whatever, right?
we’re talking about a world in which potent size-altering drugs are LITERALLY EVERYWHERE
private property is right out the window.
There’s a duchess who lives on this estate, but who the fuck cares
the important thing is her cat.

Fuck
the Cheshire
Cat
this ephemeral, gaslighting shitwit
seems to have been placed in Alice’s path
solely to erase her love for cats
all leering at her from the branches of trees
questioning her sanity
not even providing her with any good drugs
seriously, cat
EVERYBODY in wonderland’s got the good drugs
you couldn’t even throw her a pack of cigarettes?
NOPE
JUST CRYPTIC STATEMENTS AND AN EERIE LINGERING SMILE
A SMARMY CRESCENT OF SHIT-EATING TEETH
fuck this cat, is what i’m trying to say

the next clown posse Alice runs up on is no better
these three ICP rejects are just sitting around a table in the woods
having a fucking tea party
one of them is a rabbit
but not a nice pocket-watch carrying rabbit
a gnarly hobo rabbit
who is best friends with a haberdasher suffering from mercury poisoning
and a mouse who is CLEARLY addicted to heroin
all of whom are engaged in this perpetual teatime circlejerk
because they are too high to remember how time works
and are convinced that TIME ITSELF IS PUNISHING THEM
BY TRAPPING THEM AT 6PM FOREVER
at this point Alice is fed up with their bullshit entirely
and just leaves
bringing the total narrative impact of this trio of acid casualties
to exactly ZERO

Finally Alice runs into some dudes who are playing cards
they are painting some white roses red
because in a land where mushrooms can actually alter your size
landscaping is a fucking mystery.
These dudes work for the queen of hearts
who is also a playing card
and not some kind of hot cougar lady
although i don’t know, maybe
we don’t get a ton of character development
she mainly just stomps around demanding that people get beheaded
she fucking loves beheadings
she is like the whole french revolution stuffed into a ladysuit
and then the ladysuit is smashed flat by a trash compactor
and stuffed into a giant playing card
which would have been a novel way to counter the french revolution.

ANYWAY the queen invites Alice to play croquet with her
but it quickly becomes clear that no one knows how to play croquet
for one thing
in the game of croquet
one does not substitute mallets for LIVE FLAMINGOS
which is common sense
since the only sports which involve birds in any way
involve the KILLING of birds
because BIRDS ARE GOOD FOR NOTHING ELSE

yeah so then something happens
and another thing happens
and then the queen gets mad because someone stole some pastries
so naturally
based on some serious profiling
she accuses the Knave of Hearts
(aka the Jack of Hearts)
and everybody sits down to have a trial
which is a farce
because everybody knows the queen is just going to behead everybody anyway.
Pretty much all the animals from the story so far are here
like, apparently the rabbit works here
this is his job
seriously like everybody is here except for the caterpillar
the caterpillar was gonna go
but then it got high.
So then just when they are about to call Alice as a witness
(despite the fact that what the fuck could she possibly know)
her genome finally succumbs to the tremendous strain she’s put it under
by repeatedly changing size
and she starts growing for no reason at all
and everyone is like “STOP GROWING IT IS ILLEGAL”
and she’s like “FUCK YOU GUYS I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT I’M A GIANT”
which is EXACTLY WHY THEY SHOULDN’T LEAVE BOTTLES OF GROWTH HORMONE EVERYWHERE
but just as when shit is getting real
Alice
who is the new god of this tiny stupid world
WAKES UP.

COME

THE FUCK

ON.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A CLASSIC WORK OF LITERATURE
BUT IT’S REALLY MORE LIKE LEWIS CARROL WRITING HIMSELF INTO A CORNER
WITH A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT THAT SOUNDS LIKE A TWEEN TRYING TO BE “SO RANDOM”
AND THEN HE WAS LIKE OH NO OH SHIT WHAT NOW
OH AHA YES IT WAS ALL A DREAM
PERFECT.

SO YEAH I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE MORAL IS
NOTHING HAD CONSEQUENCES OR ANYTHING
SO I GUESS JUST LIKE
DON’T EVER GO TO SLEEP?

GREAT
AWESOME
GOODNIGHT

Erysichthon Gotta Eat

Posted on by
8

I always love a good Greek myth
and today’s was brought to my attention
by long-time reader Ilya “Not Ilya of Murom” Lastname
and it is about an eating disorder

So you guys know about Demeter, right?
She’s the goddess of fertility and crops and whatnot
her daughter got stolen by the king of hell for sex reasons
it was a whole thing.
Anyway, being as she is in charge of fertility and crops and whatnot
it makes sense that Demeter would have an official forest dedicated to her
with a tree in it that is also dedicated to her
and covered in garlands and shit
one for each prayer she’s answered
so either she answers a lot of prayers
or everybody keeps falsely attributing their success to her
and then showering her tree in the ancient greek equivalent of macaroni pictures
in fact I’m not entirely convinced that Demeter likes these offerings
they seem like fancy trash to me
i don’t know how Demeter feels about littering
but I would wager she does not feel super great about it???
regardless, she does feel pretty attached to the actual tree
seeing as it is a literal extension of her body
which is why she is none too pleased
when this shitty king named Erysichthon decides to chop it down.

It is not at all clear why Erysichthon wants to do this
he doesn’t need the wood or anything
there’s no record of Demeter doing anything particularly shitty to him
maybe he just has really bad seasonal allergies
or he’s trying to erect a strip mall
or he just fucking hates trees
all totally understandable motivations
but Demeter doesn’t see it that way
she sees it the way where some rich asshole is carving up part of her body with an axe
so she makes the tree turn into flesh and start GUSHING BLOOD
and all Erysichthon’s guys are like “dude trees aren’t supposed to do that
this tree is CLEARLY haunted
why don’t we quit while we’re ahead
as in while we are not beset by vengeful ghosts”
but Erysichthon chops down the tree anyway
he gets blood everywhere
crushes a ton of other trees under its massive trunk
it’s a horrible waste
which is what makes it so metal.

Demeter obviously is not impressed by how metal this all is.
Instead she decides Erysichthon needs to get punished
and in the ancient Greek tradition
of punishments having fuck all to do with the crime
she decides to make him perpetually hungry.
Here’s the problem:
making people hungry is the exact opposite of what Demeter can do
she is straight up the goddess of feeding people
she is the concerned jewish mother of the Greek pantheon
so she has to ask Famine to do this thing for her
which is complicated by the fact
that Demeter and Famine are NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO HANG OUT
so Demeter has to send a go-between to the fucking Eurasian steppes
to find Famine on the tundra
with her ribs all exposed and her eyes all sunken
guts all visible through the skin
doing a photoshoot for Chanel
and the go-between is like “psst:
Demeter wants you to fuck a dude up.
Climb down his throat and shit a black hole in his stomach
please and thank you.”
and Famine is like “Sure whatever
I wasn’t doing anything this evening anyway.”

So Famine flies to Erysichthon’s house and gives him The Hunger
which is like if every food item in the world
was suddenly Subtraction Soup from the Phantom Tollbooth
everything he eats just makes him more hungry
he’s hoovering down food like a tyrannical Guy Fieri
he’s sitting at dinner like “mm this bucket of fried chicken is good
you know what it would go great with?
ELEVEN BUCKETS OF FRIED CHICKEN.”
He cleans out countless all-you-can-eat buffets
he even goes to Sizzler
his stomach is a void
his a mouth is a portal to the Other Side
he is Galactus
it’s super inconvenient

he sells everything he owns to buy more food
and then when he runs out of things to sell
he starts selling people
namely his daughter Mestra
he sells her into slavery for a cheesy crunch wrap from Taco Bell
but for some reason she doesn’t want to be sold into slavery
so she prays to Poseidon
who she boned once
and he’s like “Ugh, fine, you get one favor in exchange for riding my trident
boom:
you are now a shapeshifter”
so she turns into an old fisherman
and when the slaver shows up like “hey, have you seen any hot dames around here?”
she’s like “Uh nope. Just fish. I am a fisherman. Yes.”
and the slaver is like “oh well”
and Mestra is like SCORE

but she may have celebrated too soon
because when her dad finds out she can shapeshift
he’s like “SWEET
now I can sell you over and over again to different people
and you can shapeshift to escape
and I can use the money to buy BURGERS”
and Mestra is like “Well i guess you are the adult here”
so they do that for a while
until Erysichthon is like “You know, these burgers are great
you know what they would go great with?
MY OWN FLESH”
so he eats himself
and then his daughter is like “Fuck yeah no more slavery.”
Then she becomes Mystique and lives happily ever after.

The moral of the story
is don’t tell your dad you can shapeshift.

The end.

Hoichi No-Ears Solos for Ghosts

Posted on by
6

Right so Halloween was yesterday or something
I don’t know
my memory of the last few days is sort of hazy
i think I might have gotten into a fistfight with Luigi on the train
and this morning while i was making breakfast i found a lot of blood
so i have to figure out what to do with that
but yeah anyway here’s a ghost story from Japan.

So there’s this temple called Amidaji
it was built for a very practical purpose
which is that about 700 years ago
there was this horrible battle right here
between the Heike clan and the Genji clan
and the Heike clan got totally wiped out
but they were really poor sports about it
so their ghosts all hung around sinking ships for 700 years
until finally someone was like fuck
we gotta built a temple or these ghosts will never shut up
so yeah now there’s a temple there.

Anyway the reason this temple is important
is because the best musician lives there
his name is Hoichi and he is the Ray Charles of ancient japan
as in he is blind and he can play the shit out of a biwa
which is a nutsack-shaped guitar that you play with a pick the size of your hand
it is a dope instrument
and Hoichi is so good at playing it
that even GOBLINS weep to hear him.
FUCKING GOBLINS.

nutsack guitar

Hoichi has worked out a sweet deal with the priest of the Amidaji temple:
basically Hoichi gets to crash for free indefinitely
and in exchange all he has to do is play music for the priest
whenever he’s got friends over or he’s high or whatever
so basically Hoichi has no incentive to ever move out or get a job
and life is good

UNTIL ONE NIGHT
the priest goes out clubbing
and leaves Hoichi alone at the temple
and Hoichi is hanging out on the porch strumming his guitar
trying to pick up chicks
when all of a sudden somebody starts yelling “HOCHI
YO, HOCHI”
and Hochi is like “uh yes sir?”
because he assumes that anybody with sack enough
to just charge up and start yelling his name at midnight
is probably a samurai or something
(in modern times
this is no longer a safe assumption to make)

So the Samurai is like “I represent a very wealthy
very SECRET lord
who would like very much to hear you play your biwa and sing about shit
come with me right now or I will murder you and no one will care”
and Hochi is like “Well shit, I guess I’m being kidnapped
but at least I’m being kidnapped to a party”
so he lets this mysterious asshole take his hand and drag him away.

Pretty soon they arrive at a huge mansion
which is weird
because Hoichi does not remember there being a huge mansion in this town
but what does he know, he’s blind
and it feels real enough.
Eventually he sits down in a room full of people
and they’re all like “Okay dude play for us”
and he’s like “What should I play?”
and they’re like “We heard that your specialty
is the war between the Heiki and the Genji
so how about that.”

This is baby stuff for Hoichi.
He busts out a melodically perfect epic like he’s taking a shit
everyone is devastated by the sheer beauty of this jam
they’re all fucking weeping, it’s disgusting
and then he finishes and they’re like “OH DAMN SON
WE KNEW YOU WAS GOOD
BUT FUCK GOOD
THAT WAS STRAIGHT UP EVIL
WE WOULD LIKE TO BOOK YOU FOR THE NEXT SIX NIGHTS”
and Hoichi is like “fuck yessssss a real gig”

so then the samurai grabs his hand and leads him back to the temple
but before he lets him go he’s like “Listen dude
that lord you played for
he’s on some Howard Hughes shit
doesn’t want anybody to know who he is
so if you tell anybody what’s going on
I will personally end you.”
and Hoichi is like “Yup no problem got it.”

So Hoichi goes and crashes out around sunrise
and the priest was out all night clubbing so he has no idea Hoichi was gone
but the NEXT night Hoichi sneaks out again
and the priest tries to hit him up for some music
but he’s NOT THERE
so when Hoichi stumbles back in in the morning the priest is waiting for him
like “where have you been?”
and Hoichi
who does NOT WANT TO JEOPARDIZE THIS GIG
is like “Uhh
weird … sex … stuff?”
but the priest isn’t buying it
he’s thinking “this is Japan
if Hoichi was into weird sex stuff
he could be doing it during the DAYTIME.
No there is only one possibility:
DEMONS.”

So the next night when Hoichi goes out
the priest sends some of his boys to follow him
and they lose him pretty quickly because they are chumps
but on their way back to the temple
they suddenly hear Hoichi soloing SUPER HARD
and where is the music coming from?
THE MUSIC IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE CEMETERY.
So they run up to the cemetery
and Hoichi is playing his fucking hands off for a bunch of tombstones
and they’re like “this is crazy. Hoichi, stop shredding in the cemetery”
and Hoichi is like “NO
THIS IS THE DEFINING MOMENT OF MY CAREER”
so they grab him by the arms and haul him home because he is obviously crazy.

When he gets back to the temple the priest is like “ok dude what the fuck”
and Hoichi breaks down and tells the whole story
and the priest is like “oh ok I get it
yeah those are the ghosts of everybody who died in that battle you were singing about
I guess they really like to wallow
anyway it’s a good thing we saved you”
and Hoichi is like “Saved me?
Those ghosts just wanted to book me for a week.
Now that you know what’s up, they will instead want to murder me
how is this saving?”
and the priest is like “Dude they’re ghosts
you’ll thank me later
anyway you’re probably right about them wanting to kill you.
I’m gonna need you to take off all your clothes
so I can draw demon wards all over your body
and then the ghosts won’t be able to see you.”

Hoichi doesn’t really have a lot of options at this point
so he takes off his clothes and lets the priest draw a bunch of dicks on him
and then sits in a rigid meditation pose all night
waiting for this plan to fail.
Midnight rolls around and the samurai shows up again
he’s like “YO, HOICHI
I HOPE YOU ARE READY TO TEAR SHIT UP TONIGHT
WE GOT PHARELL, YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO DO A DUET, IT’S GONNA RULE”
but Hoichi doesn’t say shit
so the samurai comes inside and he’s like “Huh
that’s weird
I was hoping to find Hoichi in here
but all I see is a pair of floating ears.
I guess he must have disappeared from rocking too hard or something
but my boss will be pissed if I don’t bring back anything.
Better rip off these floating ears and bring them back
yes, that sounds sensible.”
So the samurai rips off Hoichi’s ears
but Hoichi just grits his teeth and bears it
while blood gushes out of both sides of his head
UNTIL SURNISE
when the priest comes in
almost slips on Hoichi’s blood
and then is like “Ohhhh shit
oh damn
wow
buddy
Forgot to draw demon wards on your ears, buddy
I told my intern to do that part but I guess he forgot
oh wow I’m so embarassed
but the good news is that the demons won’t bother you anymore!”
and Hoichi is like “Hooray
the best audience I have ever had or could ever hope to have
ripped my ears off and now thinks I’m dead.”
and the priest is like “You’re welcome!”

Obviously Hoichi isn’t too keen on living in the temple after that
which i guess was the push he needed to become a famous musician
so it looks like it all worked out in the end.

So the moral of the story
is that if someone passes out before you at a party
please, for their sake
be thorough.

The end.

The Elephant’s Child is a Story About Child Abuse, Straight Up

Posted on by
3

[Time for this month’s Patreon-selected myth!
Want a say next month?
Fucking pay me, then.]

Right so there’s this elephant
you wouldn’t recognize him though
because at this point in history
all elephants have nubbly little pig noses
it is disgusting.
Also this elephant can talk
so that’s pretty huge.

This elephant uses his miraculous power of speech
to ask his family
(which, disturbingly, is composed mostly of non-elephants)
questions about natural history
and how, oh my bae, do they respond to these questions?
they respond by beating him savagely.
This story is a master class in pro parenting strategy.

But this little elephant is less afraid of beatings
than he is of not knowing absolutely everything about animals
so he keeps asking questions
and getting his ass whupped
until one day he comes up with a brand new question:
“What does a crocodile have for dinner?”
this question so disturbs the members of the elephant’s family
that they beat him savagely.

The problem with relying on savage beatings as a sole method of instruction
is that it provides no mechanism
for distinguishing which questions REALLY shouldn’t be asked
and that is why, oh my bae
when the little elephant fails to receive an answer to this latest question
he makes a crucial mistake:
he asks a bird what to do.

The bird he asks is called a Kolokolo bird
and it has no qualms about sending a baby elephant to go talk to a crocodile
so that’s what it does
it says “Go to the banks of the nastly, sludgy Limpopo river
and I’m sure someone will be DELIGHTED to talk to your ignorant ass.”
so the little elephant packs an incredible amount of food:
a hundred pounds of bananas
a hundred pounds of sugar cane
and seventeen melons
I guess so that he can throw food at a crocodile and see what it eats.
But the first creature he runs into is not a crocodile
it is a Bi-Colored-Python-Rock-Snake
in other words, oh my bae
it is yet another animal that a baby elephant should not fuck with

But the baby elephant doesn’t know this
because the only way anyone has ever tried to convey knowledge to him
is with savage beatings
so he goes up to the snake and he says “hello friend
could you please tell me what a crocodile has for dinner?”
and the snake
being a sly and inscrutable teacher
responds by beating him savagely.

But though he is battered and bruised
the elephant’s wilful optimism/ignorance remains intact
he limps through the swamp until he finds the Limpopo river
where a crocodile lurks in the water.
So the baby elephant is like “Hello friend
are you a crocodile?”
and the crocodile says “Yup hi”
and the elephant says “I was just wondering what you eat for dinner?”
and the crocodile is like “why though?”
and the elephant is like “huh
nobody ever turned that around on me like that.
I guess I’m just curious
and I don’t have thumbs so I can’t look it up on my phone
help me out?”
and the crocodile says “Suuuuure buddy
just come over here and let me whisper in your ear
tell you somethin’ that you might like to hear”

So the elephant goes over to the crocodile
who predictably grabs him by the snout with his teeth
and the elephant is like “I don’t like the look of this at all!”
and the crocodile is like “wait til you see my dick
naw I’m just kidding
unless you say I can
and I’m known to be a real nasty man”
and the elephant is like “How do you keep rapping with my nose in your mouth?
Also are you trying to eat me or have sex with me?
I’m confused”
but just then the bi-colored-python-rock-snake shows up
like “MY WORD, YOUNG PACHYDERM, DO YOU NEVER CEASE WITH YOUR INTERROGATIVES?
THIS LEATHER-CLAD RIVER RUFFIAN SEEMS HELL-BENT ON YOUR CONSUMPTION!”
(bi-colored-python-rock-snakes always talk like this
they read a lot and they don’t get out much
so when they get a chance to talk they just go ham)
then he wraps one end of his snake body around the elephant’s tail
and the other end he wraps around a tree
and he tugs that dumb elephant out of the water
until the crocodile lets go
and swims away to record his new hit single “Dangerous” featuring Wyclef Jean

It’s not clear why the python suddenly decided to help the elephant
but what is clear is that the elephant did not get away clean
the crocodile’s tusks performed some serious plastic surgery on his nose
turning it into a horrific prehensile trunk
flopping everywhere
a grey parody of a wrinkly dong, oh my bae.

The elephant is like “what the hell happened to my face”
and the python is like “dude, it just got better is what happened
you can use it to swat flies
or pick up food
or … and this is critical
you can use it to deliver SAVAGE BEATINGS.”

The elephant is suddenly filled with a sadistic glee
he charges back towards his home
the words he bellows are barely intelligible, oh my bae
but a keen ear might pick out the syllables:
“FINALLY. FINALLY.”
He runs TRAIN on his entire family
he unleashes a lifetime of pent up torment on their hides
he is a cyclone of devastation
with a pendulous face-wang at its center.
The only animal left unscathed is the Kolokolo bird
whose ambivalent advice granted the elephant this terrible power.
His family is devastated by the sudden, unrelenting outburst.
Their only recourse is to enter into a biological arms race.
they flee to the Limpopo river
to get their faces fucked up by crocodiles.
all of them die
except for the elephants.
The family bloodline is finally pure
and no one spanks anyone ever again.

The moral of the story, oh my bae
is that when it comes to domestic abuse
plastic surgery is the only solution.

Jesus, that got dark.

Courtly Love isn’t about Love, You Piece of Shit

Posted on by
30

Here’s another article on the past and how you are wrong about it.

[Also: if you want to help me in my eternal quest to not starve/be homeless, you can buy my book about American History, buy my other book about World Mythology, or just stuff money in my Patreon. I’m not choosy, just jam it in there. Also this is my Twitter.]

Right, where was I? Oh yeah, Courtly Love.

The laws of chivalry themselves have basically nothing to do with romance. They’re all about trying to regulate just how much of an asshole a guy on a horse can be. The secret ingredient that links chivalry to romance in our tiny brains is called courtly love. It’s the great-great granddaddy of “Nice Guy Syndrome,” and it has always been fucked.

OKAY SO WHAT IS COURTLY LOVE?

According to the thousands of poems, songs, and stories about courtly love, the process goes something like this:

1. Pick a total babe who is married to someone better than you.
2. Pine after said babe until you are literally ill.
3. Babe virtuously rejects you because, let’s be clear, this is a terrible idea and also her husband is better than you.
4. Do a bunch of heroic shit that nobody asked you to do, to make yourself worthy of babe.
5. Babe still says no, and you go write a fucking poem about it. OR
5b. Babe is finally like “okay fine,” in which case, great job Romeo, now you have to bust your ass to keep from getting caught. OR
5c. You get caught and the whole world catches on fire.

Courtly love was originally dreamed up by horny poets in the early 1400s, but it flourished because it served a social purpose. Most popular stories, myth and legend especially, survive because they illustrate rules that we think are important for keeping our society together. Coincidentally, most of these rules have to do with humping.

So whose social purpose is served by this miserable dicktease of a courtship ritual? Who comes out a winner? The lady is locked into a straightjacket of protocol that makes actual consent super hard to suss out, the knight is running around murdering dudes nobody asked him to murder because he’s too proud to just jack off into his helmet, and if the two of them ever do get together, every example we have shows it ending apocalyptically. No, you know who’s the real winner here? The husband.

WHAT COURTLY LOVE IS ABOUT: SECURING YOUR HOT WIFE

Think about this from the perspective of a Medieval monarch: you have a smoking hot wife who your buddy gave you because he wanted to use your beach house, and you also employ about a hundred of the best-armed, best-trained psychopaths in the world. These people all live inside of your home with you. At some point, at least one of these psychopaths is going to want to have sex with your wife. And these aren’t just regular psychopaths, either. These are handsome, fit, wealthy psychopaths, in an era where “wealthy” means “everybody else sleeps in mud, and I am the one who pees in that mud.” And your wife, let me reiterate, is married to you because her dad wants to use your beach house. If your stable of monsters starts spitting game at your wife, it is highly likely that your wife will want to sex them back. You need a game plan.

You can’t just tell these guys to cut it out. You hired these guys because they’re unstoppable bastards. You can’t just stand aside and let them fuck your wife, either, because then you look like a weenie, and nobody wants to bow down to King Weiner. Plus there’s all the shit with heirs and succession. It’s a logistical nightmare. But how are you gonna stop them? Put them in jail? These dudes own their own jails. Send another knight after the knight who fucks your wife? Spoiler alert: the second knight also wants to fuck your wife.

What you can do, though, is control the culture by advocating for an elaborate code of etiquette that lets these handsome nightmare people do everything *but* fuck your wife. This is, at the core, what courtly love is: a code of behavior that provides a dubiously healthy outlet for all that pent up wife-fuck-want. Every part of courtly love reinforces the same message: “you can look, but if you touch then I will chop your fucking hand off.” This is perfect for our hypothetical king with his hypothetically hot wife, because it lets him turn a blind eye to all the erotic roleplay as long as it stays “virtuous,” while reserving the right to bring the hammer down as soon as shit goes public.

WHAT COURTLY LOVE IS NOT ABOUT: GETTING YOUR DICK TOUCHED

What I’m trying to get at is this: Despite what everybody seems to think these days, courtly love was *never* designed to help you get laid. It is a system explicitly designed to prevent people from getting laid. The entire process is an erotic Rube Goldberg machine that is a thousand times more likely to chop off your dick than fondle it, and maybe you also kill a bear, I don’t know. If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a thousand times: DO NOT LOOK TO MEDIEVAL EUROPE FOR SEX TIPS.

And yet pretty much every movie produced in the 90s is an ode to courtly love with one key point altered: where the old stories had tragic consequences, the new stories have zero consequences. The Wedding Singer, Wet Hot American Summer, Revenge of the Nerds, The Fucking Karate Kid, and about a million other movies all follow the courtly love formula, right up to the point where the love is consummated and there is NO NEGATIVE FALLOUT. The 90s took “If you fuck someone’s honey, bad things will happen” and turned it into “If you fuck someone’s honey … you will have fucked someone’s honey?”

What we’ve done, and where the whole “Nice Guy” thing comes from, is we’ve taken the purpose and the outcome of courtly love and flipped them. We act like because our love is noble, we deserve satisfaction. Courtly love says “your love is evil and you will never be satisfied, so you might as well make it noble.” Neither one is super healthy, as evidenced by the amount of death and vitriol both camps have dealt out, but at least courtly love is honest about what you can expect.

Look, I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to fuck your boss’s spouse. Fuck away, for all I care. All I’m saying is that our modern conception of hopeless romance, of the tormented lover pining away in the night, striving to become worthy of the unattainable beloved, is based on a ridiculous, outdated, socially motivated code of behavior that was invented at a time when marriages were business mergers and adultery carried the god damn death penalty. And I get that it feels good to feel bad, to experience the exquisite pain of loving somebody you know you can never be with. I’ve done it loads of times, and I got some great poetry out of it. Just, for God’s sake, don’t pretend like your secret pain has a noble lineage. The noble lineage is inbred.