I Guess It’s Not Surprising That HP Lovecraft Hates Colors

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Yes yes I know
You are all itching for the next installment of Moby Dong
but right now I gotta take a quick break
and tell you a tale
from a mythos hand-selected by my patreon backers.
Don’t like it?
FUCKING SIGN UP FOR MY PATREON AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Anyway yeah it’s Lovecraft time

I WASN’T ALWAYS A WEALTHY INTERNET CONTENT CREATOR, FRIENDS
many years ago I was a surveyor
I lived in Boston and I went around and surveyed shit
and this one time I had to go to this little village
near a town called Arkham
to plot out where to put a new reservoir
my job was very boring
this is one of the reasons I quit.

Another of the reasons I quit is that fuck Arkham
seriously, holy shit, never go to this place
bad shit happens there ALL THE TIME
like, example
this little village I had to go to
right over the hill from Arkham proper
was totally abandoned and spooky as fuck
it was abandoned, according to locals
because it was FUCKING CURSED
different people had tried to live there for a while
but it was too god damn spooky so they all left

Now, I figured this was bullshit
curses are bullshit
what am I,
a character in a short story written by a demented racist?
HAH
but it turns out this isn’t some ancient rumor about this place
turns out it got cursed in like
THE 80s
and in the center of this spooky god damn ghost town
is this huge chunk of gray-ass land with nothing on it
just dusty bullshit for like six acres
and a gross well
it’s super easy to survey, which is nice.

So obviously I have to check out these rumors
I don’t want my bosses building a reservoir on like
an ancient indian burial ground or something
nobody wants to drink ghosts
not even diluted ghosts
no ghosts are the kind of ghost I would want to drink
so I hit up basically the only dude crazy enough to still live here
this old dude named Ammi
like I said, he was the only dude still there
so I couldn’t pick someone with a less dumb name to talk to

Ammi’s like 80
so he was around for all the shit that happened 36 years ago
and according to him
it all started with
A METEOR
that landed on this dude Nahum Gardner’s farm
but this meteor didn’t wipe out all the dinosaurs
OR contain a baby superman
it just glowed faintly and shrank and was hot
so Nahum and his fam did what you normally do with shit like this:
they called some scientists
and the scientists did what they normally do in stories like this:
they were fucking useless
they bit off a chunk of this gooey rock
they bathed it in acid
they looked at it under a spectroscope
which showed them a color THEY HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE
and so were TOTALLY UNABLE TO DESCRIBE
like, did it not have a wavelength frequency?
How were these scientists content with “oh
we found a new color
nobody knows what it is”
WHERE IS THE FUCKING MATH ON THIS COLOR IS WHAT I’M SAYING

anyway
their sample shrinks and burns up their glassware and vanishes
so they have to go back to the farm to get more
and when they pry off a bigger chunk
they find this glass-type globe embedded in there
THE SAME INDESCRIBABLE COLOR AS THAT SPECTROGRAPH FROM BEFORE
so they do science to it
by which I mean some dude hits it with a hammer and it shatters
and they take no readings or analyze it in ANY WAY
and then they leave with their new rock chunk
and that night lightning strikes the meteor SIX TIMES
and then in the morning it’s gone
and the scientists continue to learn nothing
the end

OH WAIT NOT THE END
it looks like that meteor did something to the soil
because now Nahum Gardner’s trees are all fruiting
and the fruit is HUGE
which would be awesome if it didn’t all taste EVIL
INDESCRIBABLY EVIL

Oh and then it’s winter and his cabbages come in
and THEY’RE EVIL TOO
they’re HUGE and they are this INDESCRIBABLE color
(are you noticing a theme here?
I’m not sure this color is all that alien
I think everybody in this village is just terrible with words)

also all the little woodland creatures start mutating
their features and movements are all wrong
in a way no one can exactly put their finger on
and in the summer the farm swarms with insects
but these aren’t NORMAL insects
NO
they’re … different
… somehow

Some shit is pretty easy to describe though
like the fact that all the plants now GLOW IN THE DARK
or that the trees move even when there is NO WIND
(WHAT DO I KEEP TELLING YOU ABOUT TREES)
And then the plants start turning grey and crumbling to dust
and then the animals start turning grey and crumbling to dust
and the whole time Ammi keeps visiting
and being like “Yo maybe you should move
or maybe like at least stop drinking from your well
you know
your well that is clearly evil?”
But then instead of moving away
Nahum’s wife goes crazy
so he locks her in the attic
and then one of his sons goes crazy
so he locks him in the attic too
then the well sets another one of his sons on fire
so he’s down to one son
but then I guess the well eats that one too
but it’s cool because Nahum thinks he’s still alive
because Nahum crazy too now

this is around when Ammi shows up
like “hey I brought some groceries and some OH FUCK”
and Nahum is like “Sup Ammi come chill with me by the fire”
and Ammi is like “Dude there is no fire your house is haunted
your house may actually just be a ghost at this point.
Gonna go upstairs because you probably forgot to feed your wife”
(oh yeah the first crazy son is also dead now)
so Ammi goes up to the wife’s room
and he opens the door and a vapor that is CLEARLY A GHOST comes out
but he’s too busy freaking out about the wife
who has decayed into grey dust
but is STILL MOVING.
Now, Ammi didn’t tell me this straight out
but I’m PRETTY SURE he beat Nahum’s wife to death
it was the right thing to do.

So by now Ammi’s freaking out obviously
he heads downstairs and Nahum is suddenly decayed as fuck too
and he’s like “AMMI IT WAS THE METEOR
THE METEOR POISONED THE WATER AND KILLED MY KIDS”
and Ammi is like “Yes, obviously
I have been telling you not to drink the water or live here
you are an idiot made of grey dust goodbye”
then he goes and gets the police
who insist on draining the evil well
and there’s dead bodies in there because what did you expect
or at least dead skeletons
and then all of a sudden the whole house starts glowing
and light starts shooting out of the well
IN A COLOR WHICH, EVEN NOW, NO ONE CAN IDENTIFY
YOU WOULD THINK THEY WOULD HAVE AT LEAST COME UP WITH A WORD FOR IT
OH WELL
anyway everybody runs away
and the trees all start raving pretty hard
and then the color goes to space
so this whole time
it was just a weird color that wanted to go to space
and murdered an entire family in the process
but some of it probably stayed in the well
which is why nothing grows in that big plot of land now
it’s all just grey dust
and a well
and the greyness might be growing like an inch a year too
who knows?

I sure as fuck don’t know
I don’t want to know anything more about this nightmare farm
as soon as Ammi was finished with his story
I went right back to Boston and quit my job
because fuck me if I’m working for a company
that wants to build a reservoir on top of SPACE GHOSTS.

The moral of the story I think
is that the middle of an unprecedented alien crisis
is the WORST time to abandon the scientific method.

The end.

The Tempest, or Prospero Pisses on His Enemies

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Happy new year chumps
I’m back
and I will celebrate my backness in the customary manner:
with Shakespeare
also I can’t believe I haven’t told you this one yet
it’s about the world’s most roundabout coup.

Okay so there’s this Tempest
just like in the title
it’s pretty on the nose, even for Shakespeare
and in this tempest there is a ship
and the ship is ON FIRE
NEAT

This ship is full of two kinds of people:
boat people
and ROYALTY
the royalty are running all over the ship
and the boat guys are like “get down below you assholes
you’re going to make us oh whoops there we go we crashed thanks a lot”

MEANWHILE, ON A SUSPICIOUSLY NEARBY ISLAND
this wizard named Prospero is lecturing his daughter Miranda about the past
they are the only two humans on this island so he does this a lot
and his daughter is SO fucking bored of it
that he keeps having to stop to ask her if she’s paying attention
and she keeps being like “uh huh yeah of course”
but as soon as he’s done she falls IMMEDIATELY ASLEEP.
Anyway, what he says is this:
Prospero used to be Duke of Milan
but he was a GARBAGE DUKE
he spent all of his time reading dumb books about magic
and delegated all of his duke responsibilities to his brother Antonio
and NOW HE IS MAD BECAUSE ANTONIO TOOK AWAY HIS DUKEDOM
to be fair he is also mad b/c Antonio exiled him to this island
or actually he just put him on a boat with no food
in the hopes that he would die
and the only reason he survived
was because some chill bro named Gonzalo gave him and Miranda water
and then they just happened to land
on this INCREDIBLY MAGICAL ISLAND

So Miranda falls asleep
after listening to this boring story about her dad’s incompetence
and Prospero is like “FINALLY
YO ARIEL
GET YOUR EPHEMERAL ASS IN HERE”
and Ariel
who is essentially a ghosty twink with superpowers
is like “Okay yeah what do you want”
and Prospero is like “Did you set that boat on fire like I asked?”
and Ariel is like “Oh yeah i fucked that boat UP”
and Prospero is like “Good because all my enemies were on that boat
Antonio, my shitty brother
Alonso, the asshole duke of Milan
Sebastian, the crab
uh I mean Sebastian, the asshole duke’s even shittier brother
plus Alonso’s sexy son Ferdinand
my best bro Gonzalo
and a whole bunch of innocent sailors and some clowns but who gives a shit.”
and Ariel is like “Yeah dude I know
I just got finished dumping their still-alive bodies all over the island
JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO
now can I stop being your magical slave already?”
and Prospero is like “Bitch what did you just ask me?
Do I need to remind you what I’ve done for you?
Ariel:
a witch
trapped you
inside a FUCKING TREE
and she was gonna release you in a couple years
but then she DIED
so if I hadn’t come along and freed you with my magic
you’d prolly be stuck handing out apples to some ungrateful kid like some fucking Shel Silverstein book
So get out there and start making everybody trip balls
or I will stuff you so far up a tree’s ass you’re going to surprise the shit out of some squirrels.”

Speaking of that witch
this is right when her son shows up
the son is named Caliban
and he is exactly as gross as you expect a witch’s kid to be
Prospero pretty much just beats him with his staff
and Caliban makes the very legitimate point that this is not okay
but Prospero is just like “It is TOO okay
because YOU
tried to sex my DAUGHTER”
and Caliban is like “Okay but she is literally the only female on this island
and maybe I crossed a line
but like I also showed you all the natural resources on this island
and now I am literally your slave
there is no moral justification for slavery, dude.”
But he goes off to get firewood anyway because he doesn’t want to die.

Is Prospero done yelling at people now?
NOT QUITE
because now it’s time for Prince Ferdinand to wake up
(on a beach, by himself, miraculously unharmed)
and immediately fall balls over boners for Miranda
who falls boobs over buttocks right back
because this is the first man she has seen
who was not either cursed or her dad.
So these two are tumbling towards each other, jibblies first
when Prospero steps between them like “WHOA WHOA WHOA
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KIDS EVEN KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER
SLOW IT DOWN, SOGGYTROUSERS”
Man, where was Prospero during the entirety of Romeo and Juliet?
Probably exiled tbh.
Luckily, Prospero has a plan:
Ferdinand will PROVE his intentions toward Miranda
by carrying bundles of firewood.
Prospero apparently needs a lot of firewood for something.

Meanwhile most of the rest of the dudes from the ship wake up together
them being Antonio, Alonso, Sebastian and Gonzalo
(and a bunch of less important people who don’t talk)
but then Alonso and Gonzalo IMMEDIATELY FALL ASLEEP AGAIN
because of Ariel
just long enough for Antonio and Sebastian to plot to kill Alonso
so that Sebastian can be Duke of Naples
but then Ariel WAKES EVERYONE UP BEFORE THEY CAN DO IT
so this interlude is just to show how shitty Antonio is.
Then they go off looking for Ferdinand
even though everybody’s pretty sure he’s dead.

Meanwhile Caliban is passed out in the woods
grabbing a much-needed respite from his slavery
WHEN TWO ROGUE CLOWNS APPEAR.
One of them is named Trinculo and he is a jackass
and the other one is named Stefano and he is a jackass WITH BOOZE
so naturally Caliban pledges fealty to Stefano
and the three of them drink the ship’s entire wine supply
and they get so shithouse plastered
that they all think it’s a fantastic ideawhen Caliban is like “Hey
let’s go kill my master
an ACTUAL WIZARD
and become kings of the island ourselves.”
Unfortunately for them, Ariel is busy being invisible nearby
and he hears their whole cunning plan.
Now you would think Ariel would be sympathetic to Caliban
since Ariel is also enslaved to Prospero
but Ariel is an immortal creature made entirely out of magic
time is meaningless to Ariel
and doing a miracle is like taking a shit for him
Prospero doesn’t even have the brainpower to concieve of something that would mildly inconvenience Ariel
He’s pretty much just doing this shit because he thinks it’s funny.

MEANWHILE MEANWHILE
it turns out forbidding two young people to bone
makes them REALLY WANT TO BONE
as Ferdinand and Miranda can AMPLY ATTEST
and guess what guys
this was Prospero’s WHOLE PLAN ALL ALONG
Finally somebody is using teenage buttlust for good
or at least for his own Machiavellian purposes
because after THREE HOURS
(YES, EXACTLY THREE HOURS)
Prospero FINALLY gives in and agrees to marry them
he’s like “Okay I guess my daughter can become the heiress to Naples
BUT FIRST
LET ME DO SOME MAGIC TRICKS TO SOLEMNIZE YOUR MARRIAGE”
and Ferdinand is like “No it’s cool we really just want to fuck”
and Prospero is like “DON’T BE MODEST I KNOW YOU WANT TO SEE ME DO MAGIC TRICKS”
and Miranda is like “No it’s cool I can just grab his weiner right now”
and Prospero is like “I KNOW WHAT YOUNG COUPLES REALLY WANT:
MAGIC TRICKS”
so then he summons ghostly images of Venus and Iris and Hera
to do a play about how marriage is great
and the two kids are like “yayyyyyyy great can we bone now?”
and Prospero is like “Yes.
OH SHIT
I FORGOT CALIBAN WAS TRYING TO KILL ME”

It’s not a big deal though
everybody Prospero doesn’t like is just getting buttfucked through the marshes right now
because they fell for some rookie-dm-level traps
like a fat banquet in the middle of nowhere
or a clothesline covered in rich garments
also in the middle of nowhere
and it gets so bad
what with the brambles and the mud and the wolves
that Ariel is finally like “Yo Prospero
I know you hate these dudes
but this is really starting to bum me out
and I don’t even have a SOUL”
and Prospero is like “Yeah okay fine, let them out.”

So Gonzalo and Antonio and Sebastian and Alonso show up at Prospero’s crib
and Prospero is like “SURPRISE BITCHES
THIS IS MY REVENGE”
and they’re like “Uh, who are you?”
and he’s like “Oh sorry let me put on my old hat”
and they’re like “OH SNAP IT’S PROSPERO
WE’RE SO SORRY WE EXILED YOU”
and Prospero is like “Yeah fuck all you guys
except Gonzalo, you’re cool
but actually I got to be wizard-king of an incredibly magic island
which is really a lot better
considering i didn’t give a shit about being a duke anyway
but for some reason I still REALLY WANT TO BE DUKE OF MILAN”
and Antonio is like “Fine asshole have your dukedom back.”
and Alonso is like “Yeah I don’t care, I just lost my son”
and Prospero is like “Yeah I feel you dog I just lost my daughter
by which I mean my daughter just got MARRIED
TO YOUR SON
HAHAHAHAHA PRANKED I MARRIED OFF YOUR SON WHILE YOU WEREN’T LOOKING
NOW MY GRANDCHILDREN WILL RULE BOTH MILAN AND NAPLES
THIS IS TRULY
THE ULTIMATE PRANK”
and he pulls aside a curtain and there’s Ferdinand and Miranda
playing … chess
yeah, sure.
Also Trinculo and Stefano and Caliban show up at one point
shit themselves with drunken fright
and go back to being slaves to their various masters
BECAUSE THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

Anyway Alonso is so relieved
he doesn’t even care that Prospero is dicking him out of his legacy
and then Prospero breaks his magic staff
and throws his magic book in the ocean
LIKE AN IDIOT
and he lays off Ariel
who conspicuously fails to steal his soul or anything
and then Prospero turns to the audience and he’s like “Hey guys
if you don’t clap your asses off for the show you just saw
I will be trapped in this play forever
please help.”

So the moral of the story, dear audience
is if you don’t share this post with everyone you know
I will be trapped in this internet
FOREVER

the end.

Merry Holidays or whatever

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Hey guys,

Christmas hit me with an unprecedented violence this year, and I didn’t have time to set up the buffer I would have liked. I’m taking the rest of the year off, and I’ll be back with more 100% original swears and 100% not original mythology in January. In the meantime, if you really desperately need a distraction from your horrible family, you could always read my books, or check out these other Christmas posts I’ve done over the years:

Rudolph

The Twelve Days of Christmas

A Christmas Carol

Twas the Night Before Christmas

Frosty the Snowman

I hope your season is filled with joy or at least chinese food and beer.

Matty Groves Must Give Good Head

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So here’s a cool thing I learned
from my friend who was born in West Virginia:
long ago in england
before condoms or twitter
people entertained themselves by singing dumb songs
and then later some of these people moved to North America
but they kept singing their dumb songs
because I guess nobody told them about twitter or condoms
or anything else, apparently
because, see
the forms of these songs have remained ALMOST UNCHANGED
from way way way back in the day
like, compare this
to this
to this:

So there’s this dude Matty Groves
and he’s got a lot to prove
because first of all he is a very small fellow
(perhaps a child?
the ballad is not clear
but it is called a Child ballad so it’s possible)
plus
his name MATTY GROVES
that’s only one step above Dick Bush on the shitty names ladder

So Matty Groves is at a holiday party
it is the medieval equivalent of an office christmas party
which means that all the lords and ladies are in attendance
and people are getting drunk
and making decisions they will perhaps regret.
Matty Groves is one of these people.
So Matty is chilling in the great hall or whatever
and these three chicks walk in:
one is dressed in green
one is dressed in red
and Maddy Groves is like “red and green?
that’s a bit too matchy-matchy for me.”
but the third one is dressed in white
and Maddy Groves is like “D-D-D-DONUTS”
and he turns to the dude next to him and he’s like “yo
You see that chick dressed in white?
I know she got a man
specifically a man named Lord Daniel
(or lord Arlen
or lord Barnetts or Barnard or Barnaby
depending on the version you’re looking at
which just suggests to me
that this dame got AROUND)
but do you know how many fucks I give?
none many
I’m gonna play the lap-sax with her ALL NIGHT.”

In other versions of the story
it’s the Lord’s wife that approaches Matty Groves
like “hey little boy let’s fuck”
so this interaction is either sleezy or pedophiley
take your pick.
Either way, the problem
(other than the sleaze and pedophilia)
is that some dude who works for Lord Daniel
just HAPPENS to be standing nearby
and he overhears this shit
and he’s like “Oh fuck
if Maddy Groves bangs Lord Daniel’s wife
and he finds out I didn’t do shit
I’m gonna be out of a job
and Lord Daniel gives DENTAL
that is SO RARE in medieval England
it’s practically an anachronism!”

But this pageboy doesn’t have a horse
he doesn’t even have a bike
he has to RUN
He has to run like TEN MILES
and then he gets to a river
and the BRIDGE is broken
so he has to swim across
and run like another ten miles
and finally he shows up at Lord Daniel’s house
because I guess Lord Daniel hates christmas
and also maybe his wife.
Maybe this whole infidelity thing is starting to make sense.

Anyway the page starts banging on the door
and Lord Daniel opens it up in his smoking jacket like “WHAT
WHAT DO YOU WANT
IT’S LIKE 3AM”
and the page is like “Dude, Matty Groves is about to fuck your wife
actually at this point he probably has fucked your wife
it took me a while to get here
and from what I’ve heard about Matty Groves
and your wife tbh
they are probably L-O-V-I-N-G IT”
So lord Daniel picks him up by the collar
and he’s like “Ok kid
if you’re lying to me I will straight up kill you
but if you’re telling me the truth
I don’t know, I’ll buy you a pizza or something.”
So Lord Daniel puts on his shades
jumps on his motorcycle
and takes off.

MEANWHILE, IN LORD DANIEL’S BEDROOM
(because oh yeah
I guess the christmas party was at Lord Daniel’s house
which makes it even weirder that he wasn’t there)
Matty Groves wakes up and he’s like “shit
what was that noise
that sounded like a motorcycle revving
and Lord Daniel is the only dude I know
who owns a motorcycle in Medieval England
I gotta get out of here”
but Lord Daniel’s wife is like “shhhh
don’t worry about that sound
it’s just … feudalism or something
go back to bed”
so clearly she wants Maddy Groves to fucking die

because what happens next is they both wake up
and Lord Daniel is standing at the foot of the bed
with TWO SWORDS
like “SURPRISE, BITCHES
Now get up, Matty Groves
put some damn pants on
I’m not gonna kill you with your dick out
people would talk”
So Matty starts putting on his clothes
and he’s like “Ok man look
because of our ridiculous code of chivalry
you definitely can’t kill me right now
I have zero swords
you have two swords
that’s like
200% more swords than I have
not cool.”
And Lord Daniel is like “Ok first of all
200% of zero is still zero
and fuck me if I’m getting talked down by someone who doesn’t understand math
but second of all yes
these swords are dope
I brought them from the future, I’m a time traveler
but I ain’t greedy
I give my employees dental, for fuck’s sake
one of these swords IS FOR YOU”

So Matty Groves, having run out of excuses, takes a sword
and Lord Daniel even lets him strike first
but Matty is a lover, not a fighter
so Lord Daniel gets to strike back
and he kills the poor little bastard in one blow
and then
with the dead body still bleeding all over the floor
Lord Daniel goes over and sits his wife on his lap and he’s like “ok look
if I was you and you was me
what would you do about all this”
and Lord Daniel’s wife looks deep into her own soul
and asks herself that eternal question:
Was the D worth it?
and the answer
is YES
so she says, “Boy
you’re pretty and everything
you got a nice chin
but not only do I like Matty Groves better than you
I like him better than your WHOLE family
so when you murder me
because I know that’s what’s going down
bury me somewhere nice
like, away from your gross parents
and put Matty right next to me
like within dicking distance
and when you die?
boy i know what you’re into
you can be buried by my feet.”

So yeah then Lord Daniel kills his wife
and probably has a hell of a time finding another one

so the moral of the story
is that open relationships solve a lot of problems.

The end.

Set Doesn’t Know When to Quit, and Neither Does His Ass

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Okay so I told at least part of this story a while ago
and there is a version of that version in my INCREDIBLE FIRST BOOK
but two things have happened since then:

ONE: my shitty friend Andrew won’t stop bothering me to tell it again
because I guess he doesn’t read my archives

TWO: I found a new and better source for this story that is WAY WEIRDER

SO BUCKLE YOUR BUTTS, NINJAS
WE’RE GOING TO EGYPT.

So Horus and Set both want to be king of the gods
everyone pretty much agrees on how this came to pass:
Set chopped up the previous king (Osiris) and ate his dick
his wife (Isis) found all the pieces and resurrected him using a cock of gold
she got pregnant from the gold cock and gave birth to Horus
Set killed Horus with some poison burgers, but death didn’t stick
so now Horus has grown up
and he has a legit claim to the throne
and everything is problems.

The way the Egyptian gods try to solve this should actually seem pretty familiar
what they do is they get together a council
of all the oldest, crankiest, and most conservative gods
and they bicker with each other for decades, failing to solve anything
half of them support Set
because he’s older and he’s got a big dick
and half of them support Horus
because he is THE SON OF THE PREVIOUS KING
AND THE OTHER CANDIDATE HAS TRIED TO MURDER HIM MANY TIMES

Set has a crazy amount of influence though
because like I said, half the gods are in bed with Big Desert
perhaps literally, but I’ll get to that.
Anyway, he manages to get Isis banned from the meeting
effectively hanging a big “NO GIRLS ALLOWED” sign over the door
but she bribes her way onto their secret island
and then she transforms herself into the hottest chick in the universe
and Set’s hot chick radar starts going crazy, so he goes off to stalk her
(Set’s hot chick radar is actually just his boner.)
He’s like “Hey pretty lady, what are you doing here?”
and she’s like “Well see my husband died
and his son was tending all our cows
but then some stranger just busted into our house
beat the shit out of my son
and was like ‘these are my cows now.'”
and Set is like “Wow that’s fucked up
obviously the cows belong to your son.”
and Isis turns back into herself and she’s like “HAHA GOT YOU BITCH
THE ANALOGY IS PERFECT, EAT A DICK
OH WAIT
YOU ALREADY DID”
and Set is like “FUCK YOU I ONLY SAID THAT SHIT BECAUSE YOU WERE HOT”
and then he runs back to the council and tells them everything

so the council is like “well?
are you going to give up your claim to the throne then?”
and Set is like “WHAT? NO
HORUS
TURN INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS WITH ME
WE WILL GO INTO THE WATER AND SEE WHO CAN HOLD HIS BREATH LONGER
WHOEVER STAYS UNDER FOR THREE MONTHS WILL BE KING.”
and everyone is like “O…okay”

So Horus and Set go underwater
and Isis is like “this is bad
Set can hold his breath forever
it’s what makes him so good at oral”
so she makes a harpoon
and she chuck it into the water
but she accidentally hits Horus
and Horus is like “OW MOM WHAT THE FUCK”
and Isis is like “Oh shit sorry”
so she pulls back the harpoon and throws it at Set
and Set is like “OW SIS WHAT THE FUCK”
and Isis is like “Oh yeah you’re my brother huh”
so she pulls the barb out
and Horus is like “Seriously mom?
That dude is never not trying to kill me
why would you spare him?”
and Isis is like “Family values I guess?”
so Horus is like “I’ll show you family values”
and he chops off her head and leaves with it.

So now shit has really gone off the rails
Isis turns herself into a flint statue
(she’s apparently not dead though)
and the whole king thing is put on hold
just to track down Horus and tell him off
but unfortunately Set finds him first, while Horus is sleeping
REMOVES HIS EYEBALLS
and buries them in the sand
where they grow into lotuses for some reason.
Then set goes back to the other gods like “nope, didn’t find Horus
where did he go?
I guess it’s a mystery we will never solve now make me king.”
But Hathor, the chillest of the gods, finds Horus
and she is like “hey
dude,
Open your eye(s) so that I may put this milk in them”
(^^^^actual direct quote from the source
and also the kind of thing that would never get me to open my eyes
unless someone had already taken my eyes out and turned them into lotuses I guess)
anyway Hathor pours milk in Horus’s eyesockets
and i guess makes him new eyes out of mozzarella balls or something

So Horus shows back up at the council
like “hey I’m back
no thanks to Set, who gouged out my eyes.”
and Set is like “Boy this is awkward
hey Horus
why don’t you come over to my house for dinner and a sleepover
it will be an adult slumber party, it will be great.”

So Horus goes over to Set’s house for dinner
and he’s like “Hey I brought some beer if you want it
I hope you don’t try to kill me”
and Set is like “Haha whaaaat?
No way
that was the old Set
the new Set just wants to have sex with you”
and Horus is like “Oh
well that sounds safe”
so they do it in the butt
or at least between Horus’s thighs
but they don’t have a condom and Horus is all about safe sex
so instead of catching Set’s sperm in his butt
he catches it in his hands
and then he goes directly to Isis
and he’s like “Hey mom, Set jizzed on my hands”
and she’s like “EW EW EW WHAT THE FUCK”
and chops his hands off and throws them in a river
which seems like it would be inconvenient for Horus
except he chopped his mom’s head off earlier and she seems fine.

Anyway then Isis is like “Here, take this Viagra
Great, now bust a nut in this jar
okay, now sit tight while I pop over to Set’s garden
and dump this jizz all over his lettuce”
(btw ancient egyptians apparently considered lettuce an aphrodisiac
which actually explains a lot about rabbits)
Set, being a raw food vegan who likes to fuck
chows down on lettuce every night
so he just gobbles up all of Horus’s sperm
and immediately becomes pregnant

the two of them show up at the council the next day
and Set’s like “Okay guys, debate over
I peed in Horus’s butt
and we all know that you can’t be king with another man’s pee in your butt
it’s the law.”
and Horus is like “You did NOT pee in my butt
but I DID spooge in your salad”
and Set is like “Nuh uh”
and Horus is like “Yuh huh”
and Thoth, GOD OF WISDOM, is like “Okay guys there’s a very easy way to solve this
let’s just summon y’all’s sperm and see where it’s at
HEY SET’S SPERM, REPRESENT”
and Set’s sperm is like “We’re in the river, just chilling”
and then Thoth is like “HORUS’S SPERM, WHERE YOU AT?”
and they’re like “We’re in Set’s stomach. It sucks.”
and Thoth is like “Prove it. Come out his ear.”
and they’re like “Seriously?
we are divine sperm
and you want us to ooze out of a guy’s ear?”
and Thoth is like “fine, come out the top of his head”
and they’re like “that’s more like it”
and they spurt out of his head and form a golden halo
which Thoth takes
and proceeds to WEAR
next time you look at a picture of angels
imagine that they’re all wearing jizzcrowns
also
the concept of talking sperm is terrifying to me
i feel like my sperm would have some shit to say
it would be just like that song.
ALSO
some scholars believe that set actually gave birth to Thoth
as a result of these lettuce shenanigans
which would mean that his man-womb would have to be a time machine
like the ones from Primer
powerful enough to send Thoth back to when Horus was a baby
so he could fuck up Set’s plans in the past
which i guess is what babies mostly do anyway.

So yeah, seems like a pretty open and shut case
which is why Set does the reasonable thing
and challenges Horus to a boat race for kingship
which he loses, because he builds his boat out of rocks
but the council is STILL UNDECIDED
so they write a letter to Osiris
who is not dead
and has just been ruling the underworld this whole time
like “who should we make king?”
and Osiris is like “I DON’T KNOW HOW ABOUT MY SON???”
and they’re like “Yeah but”
and Osiris is like “BUT WHAT?
WHAT ARGUMENT COULD YOU POSSIBLY MAKE AT THIS POINT?”
and they’re like “Hm.
I guess when you put it that way
long live Horus.”

The moral of the story
is that if your defeat is assured
you can always filibuster
and if that doesn’t work
you can always fill him, buster
and if that doesn’t work
well
at least you had an orgasm.

The end.

Thoth Bangs Nut for DAYS

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Thoth is the bee’s fucking knees
like if you have ever looked at a bee
and been like why is that bee walking so stiffly
the answer is
because it has no knees
Thoth stole them
by being them.

We’re talking about a dude who got fed up with not existing
so he grabbed existence by the hair and being like
SAY MY NAME BITCH
but existence, being a concept, couldn’t say shit
so Thoth was like FINE I’LL DO IT:
THOTH
BOOM
I EXIST NOW.
This is a dude not to be trifled with.

So one day Thoth is busting a nut up in Nut
the goddess of the sky/RA’S FUCKING WIFE
and Nut’s like hey maybe we should keep it down
don’t want my husband
who is also THE KING OF THE UNIVERSE AND LORD OF THE SUN
to find out I’m cheating on him with you
and Ra’s like WHAT’S THAT HONEY?
DID YOU FORGET THAT I SEE LITERALLY EVERYTHING?
SERIOUSLY, I RIDE MY SUN CHARIOT ACROSS YOUR BACK EVERY DAY
AND NOW YOUR ASS IS GETTING CURSED
SEE, I KNOW YOU MUST BE PREGNANT
EVERYTHING IN MYTHOLOGY CAUSES PREGNANCY
SO HOW ABOUT YOU CAN’T GIVE BIRTH
ON ANY DAY OF ANY MONTH OF ANY YEAR
ENJOY PERMA-PREGNANCY, DEMI-SLUT

this is a really brutal punishment
especially considering Thoth is not the only dude Nut’s been banging
so she’s actually pregnant x5
imagine being immortal AND pregnant forever
FIVE pregnant.
I DO NOT RECOMMEND THE EXPERIENCE.

Thoth feels bad for Nut because this is kind of his fault
and also now one of his kids is trapped inside her
but what’s he gonna do?
he can’t break a curse laid down by the sun-lord himself
that would be ridiculous.
No, better to just hustle the moon
much more doable.

So Thoth goes to the moon and he’s like yo moon
I heard you liked this game called senet
it’s basically our version of snakes and ladders
wanna play?
and the moon
who is bored out of his shiny white mind up there in the night sky
is like yes of course
so they play a couple rounds
and Thoth loses like a chump
and then he’s like “Okay, okay
why don’t we make this a little more fun.
If you win the next round, I’ll give you SECRET KNOWLEDGE
because that’s all I’ve got. I’m the god of that.
And if I win, you give me an hour’s worth of moonlight.”
which is sort of like saying “If you win, I’ll share you an ebook
and if I win, you give me a pint of your blood.”
but the moon is pretty confident, and he loves ebooks, so he’s like sure
and Thoth fucking tramples him.
He wins like 40 games in a row
making sure to keep the margins narrow so the moon will keep playing
and when he’s collected FIVE FULL DAYS WORTH OF MOONLIGHT
he’s like “Alright man, it’s been real
I gotta go fuck up time now
peace”
and the moon is like “WAIT
NO
DOUBLE OR NOTHING
COME ON”

From that day on, the moon is too god damn weak to be full everyday
which is why the moon does the slow fade every four weeks now
he’s exhausted
he is missing blood
it’s a whole huge problem.

But what does Thoth do with all that blood?
he pours it into the end of the year and makes FIVE BONUS DAYS
and since these are bonus days made of moon blood and black magic
they don’t count as part of the year for the purposes of Ra’s curse
and Nut is free to have as many babies on these days as she wants
so she has one baby per day
including Isis, Osiris, and Set.
These are pretty legit babies
who will go on to cause a lot of problems.

Anyway that’s why the year has 365 days instead of a sweet 360
which just goes to show
that gambling is a great way to solve all your relationship problems

the end.

THE MATRIX

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5

Right so there’s this dude named Tom
his last name is Anderson
and his screen name is Neo
which is crazy
because how was that not already taken
it’s only 3 letters
and it doesn’t have any numbers after it or anything
that’s probably the single least believable part of this story

Tom is a conspiracy theorist
he is convinced that something is wrong with the world
and he is running a constant google search
through a grainy green-on-black version of the internet
trying to find some dude named Morpheus
and also what “The Matrix” is
like duh it’s the movie you’re in, asshole
read a book.

Tom falls asleep at his computer one night
like he does every night of his sad life
but this time he gets an IM from some snarky anon
all “wake up Neo
the Matrix has you
follow the white rabbit
[a thing that has NEVER gone well for ANYONE]
someone is going to knock on your door right now”
and then someone KNOCKS ON HIS DOOR
if I were him
i would have asked the dude at the door if he was trolling
but Tom instead notices that the dude’s girlfriend
has a tattoo of a white rabbit on her shoulder
which he takes as a good enough excuse
to get fucked up on a week night

at the club he meets this chick named Trinity
who spent the first ten minutes of the movie
ruining an entire swat team
and then swan diving into a skyscraper
but will from now on do almost nothing badass on screen
because the boy is here.
She tells Tom she knows who morpheus is
and that he’s looking for him and whatever
she does this really seductively for no reason
and then Tom wakes up hung over
and he goes to work and gets chewed out by his boss
and then he gets a cell phone in the mail
and the cell phone is like “HEY THERE I’M MORPHEUS
YOU NEED TO LEAVE WORK RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THE POLICE WANT YOU”
so like
why did they not just meet up last night
why did they wait until the next day
when he was stuck at work and chased by evil cops
some people are so inconsiderate.

Obviously Tom fails to escape
because he was set up for failure by his shitty new friends
and he gets taken captive by these freaky government agents
who act real smug and put a centipede inside him
but luckily it was all a dream
except it wasn’t because then Morpheus calls him again
like “Hey I’m glad the agents let you go for no reason
let’s meet up now.”
so Neo gets in a classic car under an old bridge
and trinity is there to attach a penis pump to his stomach
and then they go to another abandoned building to meet Morpheus
(btw every building in the world is fucking abandoned i guess)

So Morpheus (who wears sunglasses at night
just like everyone else who understands the true nature of reality)
Morpheus sits Neo down and he’s like “Listen:
reality is a lie
everything is the Matrix.
You know what’s not a lie though?
These cool drugs.
The blue one will knock you the fuck out
the red one will OPEN YOU FUCKING MIND”
so Neo takes the red pill because he is not a wuss
and then he wakes up
and realizes that everything he has ever experienced has been a lie
and that reality is ACTUALLY a sunless hellworld
where human beings are used as living batteries by the matriarchy

It turns out that reality is total bullshit
everybody is pale and lives in the sewer and eats gruel
and the only fun part is that sometimes you can jack back into matrix
and almost get killed
by a bunch of guys who look like the Blues Brothers’ dad
and are actually just really aggressive sysadmins
I guess there is one other fun part
which is that everyone has hovercrafts
and the one Neo is on belongs to Morpheus.
Morpheus is convinced that Neo is “The One”
that is, the dude foretold by prophecy
who will be able to bend the Matrix to his will
(because oh yeah, the Matrix is just a computer simulation
designed to pacify all the human batteries
by allowing them to perpetually experience the height of human civilization:
1999)
Morpheus has been around for many years
and has freed many people from the Matrix
but none of them are The One
because they’re all mostly women or minorities.

So they install a bunch of apps on Neo
like “Kung Fu” and “Cyber Goth Fashion Sense”
and then he takes him to see The Oracle
which, if mythology has taught us NOTHING ELSE
we should know is a BAD FUCKING IDEA.
The oracle is pretty nice though
she gives Neo cookies
tells him he’s gonna have to choose between his life and Morpheus’s
and asks a bunch of leading questions
that cause him to conclude that he’s not the one
and she’s like “Sorry kid
Maybe in your next life or something.”
and then he goes outside
and Morpheus is like “you don’t have to tell me a thing, buddy
we both know what she told you, right?
WINK”
and Neo is like “Ugh so awkward.”

Meanwhile, exactly one member of Morpheus’s crew is not an idiot
and his name is Cypher.
He has concluded
totally correctly
that living in a sewer eating semen out of a rusty tin
is NOT awesome
slap as much cyberpunk shit on it as you want
you are still slurping jizz soup inside a highly advanced toilet
so he makes a deal with the sysadmins:
they will put him back into the matrix
if he lets them nab Morpheus inside the Matrix.
So that’s what he does
he leads the agents to Morpheus
he manages to get out of the matrix while everyone else is still inside
he zaps the two dudes manning the consoles with a lightning gun
and then he starts unplugging all the expendable characters one by one
but I guess he didn’t use enough lightning
because one of the guys he zapped gets up and zaps him
RIGHT AS HE’S ABOUT TO UPLUG NEO
IT’S FAAAAAAAAAAATE
ALSO MOST OF HIS FRIENDS ARE DEEEEEEEEAD.

Neo goes understandably crazy when he gets out
partially because of what the oracle said
and he’s like “fuck it, I’m going back in to rescue Morpheus”
and Trinity is like “That’s suicide
I’m going with you to also die”
so they go to get Morpheus
who the agents are holding in a tall office building with many windows
and not a windowless prison compound
even though
based on the street names
this story takes place in Chicago
and Chicago has an actual prison right in the middle of downtown.
This strategic oversight is what allows Trinity and Neo
to walk in through the front door
shoot everyone with their countless automatic weapons
pointlessly blow up the lobby while they ride the elevator cable to the roof
hijack a helicopter
shoot up the room that Morpheus and the agents are in
(remembering, luckily, to turn friendly fire off)
and then whisk him away to a train station
where a phone booth will take them out of the Matrix

Morpheus and Trinity get out
but RIGHT AS NEO IS ABOUT TO GET OUT
one of the agents posesses a hobo and shoots the phone
so Neo has to fight him and it’s cool
but when throwing the agent under a moving train fails to kill him
Neo realizes it’s better to just run

Meanwhile in real life
the evil robots of the matriarchy have found Morpheus’s hoverboat
they are cutting it apart with lasers
and they can’t use the EMP on them because that would kill Neo
but luckily, around this time
one of the Agents shoots Neo in the face in the matrix and he dies
so now they can use the EMP
except everyone is too sad
and Trinity starts making out with his corpse
because see the Oracle told her she would fall in love with a man
and that man would be THE ONE
SO HE CAN’T DIE
and I guess Trinity’s hot smooches remind Neo
that the matrix is a bullshit computer simulation
and why the fuck would it matter if he got shot in a computer simulation
so he respawns
eats everybody’s bullets
jumps into an agent’s chest and explodes him
and the whole time all the agents are like “HAAAAAAXXXXXXXXXXXX”

but there is no time to be cool, robots are attacking
Neo jacks out of the matrix and they kill all the robots
everything is fine
and the Oracle is technically correct
because it did take Neo dying before he became The One.
Anyway then he spends the rest of his life
flying around the Matrix in a black leather trenchcoat
yelling “WAKE UP SHEEPLE” into random payphones
and no one makes any sequels ever and it’s great.

so the moral of the story
is if you feel like you can’t live up to the expectations of everyone around you
because you don’t have and have never had the necessary knowledge or skills
or the drive to practice those skills
or really anything that prepared you for the responsibility in any way
kill yourself
and come immediately back to life as a superhero

the end.

Alice and Her Adventures in Gaslighting

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Right so there’s this kid Alice
she doesn’t have anything to do because she is a kid
and child labor is like frowned on or something
so instead she is just sitting under a dumb tree with her sister
when this rabbit runs by

now normally this would not be unusual
rabbits can only move by running
and they don’t normally stop to hang out
pretty rude honestly
but this rabbit is wearing PEOPLE CLOTHES
and a little pocketwatch
and is muttering to himself in HUMAN ENGLISH
about how late he is
and she’s like “hey sis did you see that?”
and her sister is like “I didn’t see anything.”
THIS IS HOW IT BEGINS.

So Alice is like “fuck you” and she follows the rabbit
and she’s a dumb clumsy baby so she falls down his rabbit hole
it is incredibly deep for a rabbit hole
giving her enough time to resign herself to death
and then start thinking about her cat
but she doesn’t die for some reason
she lands in a big fancy room with a key and some drugs in it
the drugs say “drink me” on them so she figures she’d better
and they turn her into a tiny person
which is good because there is a tiny door to go through
but she left the key on the table when she drank the drugs
and now she can’t get it
it’s like one of those procedural adventure game puzzles
where if you fuck up the order you have to wipe your save file and restart
Alice should kill herself is what I’m saying
but no, instead she mopes around until she finds a cake that says EAT ME on it
and she’s like “fuck you too, cake”
but then she eats it anyway
all of it
and it makes her enormous
SHE TOOK TOO MUCH
BAD TRIP BAD TRIP
she starts crying and crying
she floods the whole room because she is so huge
she is an ecological crisis
then the rabbit rolls in and is like “HOLY FUCK A GIANT WOMAN”
and she’s like “HOLY FUCK A TALKING RABBIT”
but only the rabbit is capable of fleeing
so he does, and he leaves a little fan behind
which Alice STEALS because she is a BAD PERSON
so it serves her right when the fan makes her shrink again
once again without the fucking key
and she starts drowning in her tears

So then a bunch of animals show up
and engage in a stupid and pointless game called a Caucus Race
which I’m sure is an utterly gripping political allegory
until Alice scares them away by talking about her cat
for a person trapped in an acid trip
Alice spends a lot of time talking about her cat
I guess this sort of behavior predates the internet

Anyway then the rabbit shows up again
to try and recover his clothing accessories
but all he finds is a tiny girl in a sea of tears
so naturally he assumes she’s his maidservant
and sends her to his house to get more gloves and fans.
Alice does as she’s asked
(oh yeah that whole room and locked door disappeared
continuity is for weenies)
but she only makes it as far as the rabbit’s bedroom
when she finds his drugs that he just left lying on the counter
so she chugs the drugs because it’s been going GREAT SO FAR
and what do you know, she becomes giant again
she becomes so giant she cannot move inside the house
she is just a bunch of shitty arms and legs sticking out of a house
as a result of drinking some liquid
that this rabbit just LEFT OUT ON HIS COUNTER
like DO YOU REALIZE THE MILITARY APPLICATIONS OF THIS SHIT?
Didn’t they make a garbage cgi sequel to this story
where they had to fight a war or something?
where the fuck was this super soldier serum in that movie
seems like it would have been way useful

anyway all these animals gather to pelt Alice with rocks
and the rocks turn into cake
which she eats and it makes her tiny again
so there is like NO CONSISTENCY TO WHAT THESE THINGS DO
SOMETIMES THE CAKE MAKES YOU SMALL, SOMETIMES HUGE
THIS IS POOR UI DESIGN IS WHAT THIS IS
whatever
Alice leaves the rabbit’s definitely ruined house
and wanders into some woods
because that seems fucking safe.

in the woods she eventually runs into a caterpillar
but the caterpillar is too stoned to be of any fucking use
it’s just like “yeah man eat some of this mushroom i’m sitting on
i am sure it will solve ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS.”
and through trial and error Alice soon discovers that
JUST LIKE EVERY INGESTABLE THING IN THIS WORLD
part of the mushroom makes her smaller
and the other part makes her large
or at least her neck grows longer
and by carefully combining these two potent pharmaceutical mushrooms
she is able to once again achieve a normal size
just in time to start trespassing on someone’s estate.

I mean whatever, right?
we’re talking about a world in which potent size-altering drugs are LITERALLY EVERYWHERE
private property is right out the window.
There’s a duchess who lives on this estate, but who the fuck cares
the important thing is her cat.

Fuck
the Cheshire
Cat
this ephemeral, gaslighting shitwit
seems to have been placed in Alice’s path
solely to erase her love for cats
all leering at her from the branches of trees
questioning her sanity
not even providing her with any good drugs
seriously, cat
EVERYBODY in wonderland’s got the good drugs
you couldn’t even throw her a pack of cigarettes?
NOPE
JUST CRYPTIC STATEMENTS AND AN EERIE LINGERING SMILE
A SMARMY CRESCENT OF SHIT-EATING TEETH
fuck this cat, is what i’m trying to say

the next clown posse Alice runs up on is no better
these three ICP rejects are just sitting around a table in the woods
having a fucking tea party
one of them is a rabbit
but not a nice pocket-watch carrying rabbit
a gnarly hobo rabbit
who is best friends with a haberdasher suffering from mercury poisoning
and a mouse who is CLEARLY addicted to heroin
all of whom are engaged in this perpetual teatime circlejerk
because they are too high to remember how time works
and are convinced that TIME ITSELF IS PUNISHING THEM
BY TRAPPING THEM AT 6PM FOREVER
at this point Alice is fed up with their bullshit entirely
and just leaves
bringing the total narrative impact of this trio of acid casualties
to exactly ZERO

Finally Alice runs into some dudes who are playing cards
they are painting some white roses red
because in a land where mushrooms can actually alter your size
landscaping is a fucking mystery.
These dudes work for the queen of hearts
who is also a playing card
and not some kind of hot cougar lady
although i don’t know, maybe
we don’t get a ton of character development
she mainly just stomps around demanding that people get beheaded
she fucking loves beheadings
she is like the whole french revolution stuffed into a ladysuit
and then the ladysuit is smashed flat by a trash compactor
and stuffed into a giant playing card
which would have been a novel way to counter the french revolution.

ANYWAY the queen invites Alice to play croquet with her
but it quickly becomes clear that no one knows how to play croquet
for one thing
in the game of croquet
one does not substitute mallets for LIVE FLAMINGOS
which is common sense
since the only sports which involve birds in any way
involve the KILLING of birds
because BIRDS ARE GOOD FOR NOTHING ELSE

yeah so then something happens
and another thing happens
and then the queen gets mad because someone stole some pastries
so naturally
based on some serious profiling
she accuses the Knave of Hearts
(aka the Jack of Hearts)
and everybody sits down to have a trial
which is a farce
because everybody knows the queen is just going to behead everybody anyway.
Pretty much all the animals from the story so far are here
like, apparently the rabbit works here
this is his job
seriously like everybody is here except for the caterpillar
the caterpillar was gonna go
but then it got high.
So then just when they are about to call Alice as a witness
(despite the fact that what the fuck could she possibly know)
her genome finally succumbs to the tremendous strain she’s put it under
by repeatedly changing size
and she starts growing for no reason at all
and everyone is like “STOP GROWING IT IS ILLEGAL”
and she’s like “FUCK YOU GUYS I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT I’M A GIANT”
which is EXACTLY WHY THEY SHOULDN’T LEAVE BOTTLES OF GROWTH HORMONE EVERYWHERE
but just as when shit is getting real
Alice
who is the new god of this tiny stupid world
WAKES UP.

COME

THE FUCK

ON.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A CLASSIC WORK OF LITERATURE
BUT IT’S REALLY MORE LIKE LEWIS CARROL WRITING HIMSELF INTO A CORNER
WITH A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT THAT SOUNDS LIKE A TWEEN TRYING TO BE “SO RANDOM”
AND THEN HE WAS LIKE OH NO OH SHIT WHAT NOW
OH AHA YES IT WAS ALL A DREAM
PERFECT.

SO YEAH I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE MORAL IS
NOTHING HAD CONSEQUENCES OR ANYTHING
SO I GUESS JUST LIKE
DON’T EVER GO TO SLEEP?

GREAT
AWESOME
GOODNIGHT