This Tin Soldier is Too Steadfast

Okay so I’ve had problems with Hans Christian Andersen in the past
namely that he is a huge sadist
and has problematic opinions about beauty.
but this story right here
this is him not even trying to not be an asshole
it involves a tin soldier
a paper princess
and a whole family size tub of fuck you

so this kid gets some soldiers for his birthday
these soldiers are made out of tin because this is the fucking stone age
and they’re not even made out of enough tin
because one of them only has one leg
and this is the dude our story is about
BECAUSE HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN HATES HIS CHARACTERS

so this soldier gets out of his box
and he sees this paper castle
and in this paper castle there is a ballerina
and because she is a paper doll and not a real person
she is constantly standing on one leg forever
and the soldier can’t see her other leg
so he’s like HOLY SHIT
SHE’S CRIPPLED LIKE ME
OBVIOUSLY WE ARE SOUL MATES
BUT WAIT
I’M POOR
FUCK
BETTER JUST STARE AT HER ALL NIGHT INSTEAD OF MAKING A MOVE
so he does

then at midnight this goblin shows up like
FUCK YOU STOP LOOKING AT MY WOMAN
and the tin soldier says nothing
because remember
HE’S A TIN FUCKING SOLDIER
if you read this story carefully
you will notice that he does literally nothing the entire time
(it’s because he’s not alive)

so then the next morning the boy who owns him puts him in the window
and he falls out because he only has one leg
and no one can find him because they’re all blind assholes
until it starts raining and some street kids show up
and they prove that they deserve to be orphans
by putting this helpless soldier in a paper boat
and sending him on a one-way trip to drown town
aka the gutter
where he gets chased by a rat and then eaten by a fish
and then someone kills the fish
and someone else cuts it open
and they’re like HOLY SHIT IT’S A TIN SOLDIER
WE NEED TO STOP FEEDING OUR FISH SHIT LIKE THIS
SERIOUSLY
POLLUTION IS A PROBLEM
THOSE GUTTERS DRAIN TO THE OCEAN YOU GUYS
STOP THROWING TOYS IN, YOU SHITTY CHILDREN

but then guess what
THE SOLDIER ENDS UP RIGHT BACK IN THE SAME HOUSE HE FELL OUT OF
and the party is still going on
because these kids party hard
they party REALLY HARD
they party SO HARD
that one kid grabs the tin soldier
and chucks him in the fucking FIRE
and he MELTS
and then a breeze catches the little paper dancer princess
and blows her into the fucking fire too
and FWOOM
LOVE IS DEAD.
Later the fire goes out and the soldier has melted into a tin heart
the maid scoops it up and throws it in the trash.

WOW
REALLY?
So basically what you did, Hans Christian Andersen
is you gave feelings to an inanimate tin soldier
just so you could drag him through a sewer
and then set him on fire
and have it be a bad experience for him
GUYS
IS THERE A NOBEL PRIZE FOR BEING A BIG OL JERK?
BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE WE JUST FOUND OUR WINNER
FOR EVERY YEAR
FOREVER

Oh, you want a moral?
Fine
the moral is don’t fall in love if your legs don’t work
you’ll end up in a fire because children suck
you know what
don’t fall in love even if your legs do work
working legs don’t make you immune to fire
just hate everyone you meet
and stay away from fires.

ugh god
this is terrible
i’m going to bed.

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Hans Christian Andersen Hates Mermaids

Alright guys
i hate to do this to you
but today is the day I ruin your childhood
(again)
by telling you the true story behind the objectively hottest disney princess
that’s right
i’m talking about princess jasmine
wait shit
Pocahontas
Gaston?
let’s start over

so the ocean is a piece of wet, salty shit
hogging all this awesome surface area we could be using to build me castles or fight wars
and down in the very deepest part of the ocean
lives the king of the ocean
and also his posse of hot underaged daughters
and these fish-women are eager as nubile young beavers to go up and see the surface
you know why?
because they live in the DEEPEST FUCKING PART OF THE OCEAN
living there is like having an army of munchkins in stiletto heels stomping your ENTIRE BODY AT ALL TIMES
I would give my entire left nut to get out of an environment like that
if an environment like that would not immediately reduce my left nut to a cloud of very sexy, very distributed atoms.

but here’s the problem
these high-pressure honies aren’t allowed on the surface until their fifteenth birthdays
like a weird, deep-sea rumspringa
or a quincianera with the bends
luckily our story begins right as the oldest of the sisters is about to turn 15
so we don’t have to wait around forever for shit to get started
but we still have to wait a little while
because just like every other one of these fucking stories
this one is about the youngest daughter

so finally the little mermaid (get it, because she’s the youngest)
gets her chance
she shoots up to the surface at sunset
and right into the middle of a open-water techno rave in honor of a local prince’s birthday
so she’s like oh shit what is this
and the prince is like HAHAHAHAHA I’M HIGH AS BALLS
and everyone else is like OH SHIT STORMS ARE HAPPENING
and the boat sinks
and the prince can’t swim
weighed down as he is with an entire goddamn pharmacy in his blood system
so the mermaid is like oh sweet
looks like a hot prince is coming down to join me in the marianas trench!
but then she remembers humans can’t live underwater
because yes, that’s something she has to CONSTANTLY REMIND HERSELF OF
(this is an example of a literary device known as foreshadowing
what’s being foreshadowed right now
is how fucking dumb this mermaid is)
so she saves him
and drags him to an island
where she drops him on shore
and gets to watch him get woken up by and fall instantly in love with some other chick
who (to add improbable insult to injury)
looks PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY LIKE HER
(except without a fish tail
important plot point)

so the little mermaid
(by the way I’m not just calling her that to be obstinate
our good pal HCA didn’t see fit to give her a name
Ariel had to wait for a racist psychopath-cum-cartoon mogul to come along
before she got her due)
she goes down to the depths again
and she’s like shit, I gotta get with this prince
not just because he’s hot
but also because he’s got soul
literally
see, mermaids don’t have souls
so when they die (after living 300 years)
they just fizzle out and turn into sea foam
meanwhile humans get to go to heaven or whatever
all because they’re fortunate enough to have legs

yes, legs
that’s what it’s all about
but luckily there’s a loophole:
if Ariel (fuck it, I’m just gonna call her that) gets the prince to marry her
plus also love her more than his mom or dad
the prince’s soul will undergo some kind of celestial mitosis
and she’ll get to keep the extra
YOU HEAR THAT, IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG GIRLS?
NO SOUL UNLESS MARRIAGE
NOW MAKE ME A FUCKING SANDWICH, YOU SEA CREATURE

so Ariel does the only reasonable thing
which is to go hit up the SEA WITCH for help
and the sea witch is like alright you dumb sea-centaur
trying to marry this prince is basically like the dumbest idea of all time
but ours is not to reason why
ours is to concoct super-invasive pharmaceuticals to alter your genome in horrifying ways
So she whips up a hot steaming cup of make-legs-come-out juice
and she’s like here you go, kid
and all I want in exchange is your tongue
WHAT A DEAL, RIGHT?
I mean, I dunno what I’m gonna do with it or anything
I just basically don’t want you to be able to use your voice to charm the prince
you know what, it’ll probably work in your favor
dudes in this era don’t like it when women talk anyway
anyway, have fun!

oh but there’s one other thing about the potion
which is that it makes Ariel grow legs, sure
beautiful legs, with feet that would make Quentin Tarantino come blood
but any time she uses those feet to walk
it feels like she is being stabbed by infinite razor-sharp knives
why?
JUST CAUSE
JUST CAUSE HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN IS A SICK ASSHOLE, THAT IS
A SICK ASSHOLE WHO IS USING HIS CHILDREN’S FICTION
AS A MACABRE FUCKING SOUNDING BOARD FOR HIS PUBESCENT FOOT-TORTURE FANTASY

but even though Ariel is getting a deal rawer than good sushi
she’s still down to drink that shit
so she swims up to the prince’s beachside mansion (which she found by stalking)
and she drinks that shit
and then collapses from the HORRIFYING PAIN IN HER LEGS
and then the prince finds her
and she can’t say shit
but she can dance like an eight-legged ballerina
so he keeps her around for entertainment

they hang out like all the time
they go HIKING
(OW)
and DANCING
(OWWW)
and HORSE-BACK RIDING
(well that’s a nice change of pace)
and HIKING AGAIN
(FFFFFFFFFFFFF)
and the whole time, Ariel is basically eye-fucking the shit out of him
but he’s having none of it
because his one true love
is that chick who “rescued him” by finding him on the beach all those years ago
(who Ariel looks exactly like for some reason)
but luckily for Ariel
the prince is pretty sure that other chick was a nun or something
and while nuns are great for naughty fantasies
they are notoriously hard to marry
because a marriage to god is an open marriage
but polygamy is not okay for some reason
this is kind of a sore subject for me if you couldn’t tell

except GUESS WHAT
it turns out that chick was just PRETENDING to be a nun
while going to school to become a HOT PRINCESS
who the prince is scheduled to marry anyway, because that’s how royal marriages work
and he’s like aw man, Ariel
(he doesn’t know her name, but what the fuck else do you want me to have him call her)
I’m so glad you’re my best friend and stuff
I know that if you could speak you would definitely tell me how happy you are for me
and definitely not yell FUCK over and over again at top volume

I mean I dunno how Ariel could have seen this going differently
what we’ve got here is a woman who is literally EXACTLY AS HOT AS HER
but can also speak
and doesn’t have a weird nerve disease in her feet
it’s an objectively better choice
as long as you’re comfortable treating women as objects
which everyone TOTALLY IS, so it’s cool
but that doesn’t stop Ariel from using her fucked up feet
to bust some SERIOUS MOVES at the wedding party
because, aw, shit, i forgot to say
if the prince marries someone else, she immediately turns into sea foam
fuck, that was an important plot point. I should’ve said.
oh well

so she’s kinda glum
but luckily the party is on a boat
which means her sisters can show up
and they’re all bald and they’re like HEY SIS
WE TRADED OUR HAIR TO THE WITCH FOR THIS SWEET KNIFE
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS STAB THE PRINCE WITH IT, AND YOU GET TO BE A MERMAID AGAIN
PRETTY SWEET, RIGHT?
and she’s like

because she still can’t talk

but it turns out stabbing isn’t her thing
she throws the knife into the water instead
followed soon after by her sad body
but then Hans Christian Andersen suddenly feels bad about what a dick he’s being
and makes some air spirits show up and turn her into one of them
and the story ends with this fucked up semi-moral
about how daughters of the air get to live out 300 years of purgatory
at the end of which time they are granted souls and sent to heaven
with time off for good behavior
not their own good behavior, mind you
but the good behavior of children
also bad children add time to their sentences
so uh
the moral of the story is be good not evil?

no no no FUCK THAT
the moral of the story
as is plain to anyone without a cornucopia of dicks in his/her ears
is that if you ever find yourself in a situation like this
get yourself a fucking wheelchair
your feet won’t hurt
and you might even score some pity-points

the end.

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Donkey Lettuce

Man I love when I don’t have to change the titles of the myths i re-tell

so there’s a hunter
he’s clomping through the forest one day
when an old woman comes up to him like hey man
i’m real hungry
just tryna get a couple of dollars to go get a sammich or something
it’s not for booze I swear
and the hunter is like whatever
here’s all my money
you can spend it on booze, I don’t care
why are you trying to hit people up for money in this magical forest?
don’t you know there’s a perfectly good town like right over there?
and the old woman is like BECAUSE I AM A MAGIC HOBO
HEAR MY PROPHECY:
so a little ways further in the forest you’re gonna find a tree
and in the tree there will be a ton of birds
fighting over a cloak
what you need to do is shoot the birds
they will drop the cloak
and one will die
because
you know
bullets
you need to take the cloak, obviously
(it is a magic wishing cloak that makes you teleport)
but also
(and this is gonna sound a little crazy)
you also need to cut open the bird and swallow its heart whole
it will make gold coins appear under your pillow forever

in other words
this forest hobo is just like every other hobo the hunter has ever met
he just nods politely and excuses himself from the conversation as quickly as possible
but ten minutes later
GUESS WHAT??
BIRDS
FUCKIN’ MOUNTAINS OF EM
so the hunter is like ew
birds
(a totally appropriate response to birds)
and he shoots them
and they fly away, and drop a cloak
just like in zelda or something
and one bird dies
because
you know
BULLETS
and he is like fuck it
it’s already dead
might as well eat its heart
SO HE DOES

AND IT TURNS OUT THE WITCH WAS RIGHT
gold coins are showing up under this dude’s pillow every DAY
pretty soon he’s got a big pile of them
and he does what every young person with a stockpile of cash must one day do:
he moves out of his parents’ house and decides to backpack around europe

so he’s walking around
(not sure why he’s not teleporting around
seeing as he has a teleporting cloak
but as we will see
dude is none too bright)
and he’s in europe
AND this is a fairytale
which means castles are basically guaranteed to be EVERYWHERE all the time
so it’s all of ten minutes before he runs up on one
and there’s a hot chick in it
so he’s like SWEET

but remember, this is a fairytale
and one of the laws of fairytales
is that they must always maintain a 1 to 1 ratio
between hot chicks
and HORRIBLE WITCHES
this one happens to be hot chick’s mother
for double bad-times bonus
and she’s like hey
hot daughter
see that dude down there?
he’s got magic treasures
you gotta help me steal em with your feminine wiles
I used up all mine to get this castle
and the hot chick is like grr ok fine whatever MOM

so the hunter shows up
(notice i am still calling him a hunter
even though he is no longer hunting animals
or even in a forest
this is because he is now hunting the most dangerous game:
BOOTY)
and the lady is like hey man come inside
have this delicious food and also this syrup of ipecac
and the hunter is like Oh wow thanks so much pretty lady BLEEEEUUGGHHHHHHH
and he vomits all over the place
and since nobody seems to digest their food in fairytales
the bird’s heart is mixed in with all that vomit
and the dude passes out because of all the vomiting
and the witch picks up the heart and shoves it in her daughter’s face
like EAT THIS VOMITTY HEART
EAT IT EAT IT EAT IT
and the daughter is like ugh okay fine MOM

so now money is showing up under the girl’s pillow
but the hunter doesn’t even notice/care
because the girl’s bed is where he wants to be anyway
and meanwhile the witch is like okay
now we need to steal his cloak
and the daughter is like seriously?
we already took his vomitty bird heart
isn’t that enough?
and the witch is like NO

so long story short, the girl convinces the hunter to teleport her to DIAMOND MOUNTAIN
so they can go pick diamonds
but then she puts him to sleep or something
and steals his cloak and teleports home
LIKE A TOTAL TWANK

so the hunter wakes up
and some really stupid shit happens
the upshot of which is that he ends up getting carried to a vegetable garden by clouds
and he lands in the garden like aw damn
i just got MEGA jacked
and also I’m hungry
but there’s nothing to eat here
no meats or fruits
just some stupid VEGETABLES
but i mean if I have to choose between starving to death and eating vegetables
i guess i have to eat vegetables
I GUESS
(remember kids, eat your vegetables!
VEGETABLES:
better than starving!)

so he eats some lettuce
and WHAM
he turns into a donkey
which is a bummer
but since he’s already a donkey
and donkeys actually LIKE lettuce
he figures he’ll keep eating
and he eats until he finds a different kind of lettuce
which
BAM
turns him into a human again
so he’s like ho-ho-ho-holy shit
i have magic transmogrifying lettuce
I can make a fortune with this shit
hiding fugitives from the law
smuggling dope across the border inside of LITERAL COKE MULES
the possibilities are endless!
hmm
nope
gonna use it all on that witch and her mean daughter
(who i still want to bang actually)

so he stuffs his backpack full of salad
and goes back to the house
(in BLACKFACE, so they won’t recognize him)
and the witch is like who are you
and he’s like oh uh
I’M THE KING’S MESSENGER
YEAH
he sent me to find the world’s most delicious lettuce
and i found it
but i am worried that the hot sun will wilt its tender leaves
may I come in?
and the witch is like
only if you give me some lettuce
and the hunter is like
GLADLY

so he gives her the lettuce
and she goes to the kitchen to prepare it
and she can’t help trying some
and WHAM
she turns into a donkey
(I need a better sound effect for donkey transmogrification
but I can’t be bothered)
then the servant comes in and tries some lettuce
and KER-WHAM
she ALSO becomes donkified
then the hunter gives the lettuce to the daughter
and it turns out she’s immune to the donkey lettuce!
HAHA JUST KIDDING SHE TURNS INTO A DONKEY
then the hunter takes her and her household to a miller
who beats them every day until the witch dies

at this point the hunter feels a little bad
/still wants to bang that girl
so he has the miller bring the donkeys back
and he turns them back into humans
(especially the servant
who had NOTHING to do with this
and so got turned into a donkey and beaten with sticks
for like NO reason
oh well
i guess that’s what you get for working for witches)
and the daughter is like oh man thank you so much
I feel really bad about systematically screwing you over for profit
it was all my mom’s idea I swear
i actually love you a whole bunch
please don’t turn me into a donkey any more
i’ll do whatever you want
do you want your bird heart back?
look, i’ve got some ipecac right here
i’ll vomit it right up for you
right here in front of you

but the hunter is like no no no don’t worry about it
your fearful obedience is all the apology i require
anyway it doesn’t really matter which one of us has the bird heart
because we’re gonna get married
and thanks to our horrible system of laws, I will own you and all your money!
and so they get married
and the girl gets to keep wondering what freedom is like

so the moral of the story
is you should put EVERYTHING in your mouth
because it’s all magic
and if it’s bad magic
you can just keep putting stuff in your mouth until you find good magic
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

THE END.

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Everybody Poops/Dies

Here’s a myth I stole from one of my students
who stole it from Grimm’s, so it’s all good:

okay so there is a giant
he is stomping through the hills doing giant shit
which basically amounts to being naked
swinging a club
and taking giant shits
but suddenly his blissful morning routine is interrupted
by this impudent jerk standing in his path
the jerk is like YO STOP
and the giant is like FUCK YOU I’M A GIANT
I KILL PEOPLE
and the jerk is like OH YEAH WELL I’M DEATH
I UH
KILL PEOPLE
and the giant is like DUDE I’M NOT EVEN REAL
I CAN’T DIE
KA-PUNT
(he doesn’t make that noise with his mouth
he makes it with his club
well actually it is a collaborative effort
between the giant’s club and death’s face)
then the giant walks away to go be naked somewhere else
thus ending the only recorded mythical instance
of a giant ACTUALLY WINNING ANYTHING

so death just got chumped
and he is feeling pretty down
dude is made out of all bones, you see
he is not super durable
so he’s basically a pile of really deadly powder right now
wondering what’s gonna happen to the world when nobody can die
perhaps overpopulation will strangle humanity once and for all
or perhaps earth will turn into a rad valhalla where everyone parties forever
but we don’t get to find out
because this is when some jackass walks by and sees death all messed up
and is like here dude let me help you with those multiple fractures

so death gets up and is like dude
thank you so much for shitting all over the greatest boon humanity has ever received
how can I ever re-pay you
and the dude is like uhh
how about immortality?
and death is like naw bro that ship has sailed
tell you what
you’ll still die
but I’ll let you know I’m coming before I kill you
so you won’t be taken by surprise
and the dude is like okay I can deal

so this near-death experience obviously has an effect on this dude’s life
whereas most people go through a phase of life called a “mid-life crisis”
this man goes through a similar but importantly different phase
called “never-gonna-die sex party”
he drinks all the booze
gets all the laid
this dude becomes so committed to partying
that if the beastie boys were to force him to fight for his right to do so
the result would be WORLD WAR THREE

but then he gets sick
at first he’s pretty sure it’s just the mother of all hangovers
come to reprimand her most precocious of children
but it goes on for a WHILE
every part of his body seems determined to let him know what a terrible asshole he is
except for his asshole
which is determined to let him know what a terrible asshole IT is
so he’s curled up around the toilet, hating his life
but he takes solace in the fact
that he knows he’s not gonna die
cause death said he’d get a warning first

so eventually the tornado in his bowels clears up
and he goes right back to boozing and whoring
except the very next day someone taps him on the shoulder
and HOLY SHIT IT’S DEATH
death is like alright dude it’s time to die
and the man is like wait wait wait hold on
I did not get any type of warning
I have a date with siamese twins at 6:00 man
you can’t block my cock like that
and death is like dude
I’ve blocked mightier cocks than yours
plus I totally did warn you
what do you call two months of intense gastrointestinal distress, huh?
and the man is like oh COME ON
and death is like no YOU come on
we are going to hell together and I will not hear another word about it

so the moral of the story
is that if you see death lying on the ground
do not help that dude up
cause he gives bullshit prizes

THE END

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The Grimm’s Brothers Present: THE INJUSTICE LEAGUE

So this guy gets kicked out of the army
he gets kicked out of the army because he has no talents
and they are not about to give him any talents
those shits are expensive
so instead they give him three pennies
and he’s like WHOAH
THREE PENNIES?!
THIS DOES NOT SQUARE AT ALL WITH MY RIDICULOUS SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT
FUCK THIS, I’M TAKING OVER THE GOVERNMENT

so he goes walking around try’na get an army together
for this incredibly self-serving mission of his
and pretty soon he sees a dude in the forest
who is just straight PLUCKING TREES FROM THE EARTH
and our hero goes up to this German Hercules like hey man
come join my army
we’re gonna steal the government, it’s gonna be great
and Hercules is like ok dude sure
lemme just bring these trees to my mom first
WHAT THE FUCK
WHY DOES YOUR MOM NEED SIX ENTIRE TREES DUDE
IS YOUR MOM JUST LIKE
A WOODCHIPPER?
WOULD MAKE SENSE
CONSIDERING YOUR TOTALLY INHUMAN TALENTS
anyway he does that and they leave

pretty soon they see a dude squatting in the forest pointing a gun at nothing
normally these dudes are what are known as schizophrenics
but today is crazy bullshit day in germany
so instead this guy is a hunter SO SKILLED
that he is taking aim at a fly on a branch two miles away
to shoot out it’s fucking EYE
so our hero goes up to German Apollo like hey dude wanna help steal the government?
and Apollo is like SURE

then they meet a guy who can power windmills with his nose
and a guy whose legs have to be removed because otherwise he runs too fast
and a guy who has to keep his cap cocked at a jaunty angle or else the world turns to ice
and none of these guys really have anything going on i guess
so they decide to help this talentless asshole steal the government

so okay, you know how I keep saying this story is in germany
well i think maybe I was too quick to assume
cause when these dudes finally get to the king’s castle
he is holding a contest
where whoever beats his daughter in a footrace gets to marry her
and if they lose they get executed
SOUND FAMILIAR?
yeah
i think at some point the protagonist of this story
must have stumbled upon a time portal into ancient greece
maybe right around the time he met FUCKING HERCULES

so anyway these guys have an unfair advantage in this race scenario
seeing as they have what amounts to sonic the hedgehog meets bionic man on their team
so the leader of the group goes to the king like hey
i want to marry your daughter
but i’m gonna have my servant run the race with you instead
WHOAH WHOAH SLOW DOWN
are you telling me this army reject
has put himself in CHARGE of this group?
like he gets all the bitches and riches
while they do all the work?
man i don’t understand how this guy got kicked out of the military
seems like good officer material to me

anyway the king agrees
and the race begins
but it turns out that in addition to being inhumanly fast
this runner guy is also inhumanly lazy
so he gets halfway through the race
and then just lies down on a cow skull and goes to sleep
and the chick passes him
but then the hunter is on the roof of the castle, and he sees that shit
so he just takes out his gun and shoots the cow skull out from under the runner’s head
and the runner wakes up and stomps large quantities of ass
or I guess just one ass
the ass of the princess
there is no evidence one way or the other about the size of the princess’s ass
although i would appreciate more of that sort of evidence in my mythology

so the race is one and the deal is done
but the king is not happy about his daughter marrying some army reject
(neither is the princess for that matter
but who cares about her, right?)
so what he does is he invites all six of these crazy dudes to a feast
inside a locked iron room
with a fire underneath it
WHAT
WHY DOES HE HAVE ONE OF THESE
WHO THINKS ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS WHEN THEY’RE BUILDING A CASTLE?
anyway the room starts getting pretty hot
but that’s when Mr. Freeze decides to spin his cap around
and everything gets nice and icy
and they all bust out of the room like THANKS FOR THE FREE FOOD DUDE

so the king is rapidly running out of schemes
and his final scheme
is just to try and buy these guys off
so he agrees to pay them as much gold as one of them can carry
in exchange for leaving him and his daughter alone
I think you know where this is going
the leader of the pack hires every tailor in the kingdom
to make him an ENORMOUS SACK
and then he gives the sack to hercules
who proceeds to walk off with the entire gold content of the kingdom
the king is none too pleased with this so he sends his army after them
at which point windmill guy blows (on) everybody in the army until they give up and go home
and everyone in the kingdom dies of starvation
and these six bastards party until they die too

so the moral of the story
is that you should never let your lack of talent
get in the way of your shameless acquisition of other people’s stuff

the end.

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The Pied Piper is the Reason You Always Pay Your Contractors

Yo:
Silmarillion Wednesday
today, fairytales
i am trying to establish a pattern here guys how’s it working

OKAY SO TODAY
I’m going to tell you a tale I can’t believe i haven’t told you yet
it was suggested to me by self-proclaimed erotic queen, Elizabeth Sexx
and it is about proper labor practices

okay so there’s this village called Hamelin
it is in germany
and rats travel there from all around
probably because it’s got ham RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME
but it’s okay
because the cats pretty much have that shit on lock.

UNTIL THEY DON’T
yeah suddenly the rat population just SEXTUPLES
probably because of sex-tupples
which is a term i just made up
but I’m like a thousand percent sure you already know what it means.
anyway all the cats DIE
and all the food DIES
i mean gets eaten
and then the rats are out of food to eat
so they just start eating anything that is not either tied down or on fire
and then they eat the tied down and on fire things too
pretty much the only things they don’t eat are bullets and swords
which would be kinda ideal
if bullets and swords did anything against “a black sea of rats”

wow.
so the whole town goes down to city hall
and they’re like dude, mayor, fix this shit
and the mayor is like what do you want me to do
bullets and swords don’t work
all our cats have died of terror/shame
we don’t have enough food left to poison
things are NOT LOOKING GOOD MY FRIENDS

but then
this dude throws open the door of town hall
scattering like a hundred rats
and then like a thousand rats are dislodged from the ceiling
it is like a big rat party
with a rat pinata full of rat confetti and more rats
and the mayor is like WHO INVITED YOU TO THE RAT PARTY
and the stranger is like I INVITED MYSELF
I AM THE PIED PIPER, AND CRASHING RAD PARTIES IS WHAT I DO
and the mayor is like NO DUDE YOU MISHEARD ME
I SAID RAT PARTY NOT RAD PARTY
and the pied piper is like OH
WELL IN THAT CASE I HAVE A FEE FOR EJECTING THE RATS FROM YOUR PARTY:
A THOUSAND BUCKS
and the mayor is like dude
a THOUSAND?
I will give you fifty thousands of bucks
just get all these fucking rats out the village
and the piper is like DEAL

so everyone goes to bed in their seething beds of rats
and early in the morning
the pied piper runs through the village, soloing on his pipes
and all the rats are like HOLY SHIT
WHAT A RAT SOLO
I MEAN RAD*
and they all swarm out from everywhere to stage rush the piper
who leads them all out of town
and into a river
where they all drown.
BOOM.

okay, so awesome
the rats are gone, and the piper gets $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
right?
WRONG
because the mayor takes this opportunity to execute the time-tested strategy of kings everywhere
NOT
PAYIN
FOR SHIT
seriously why are kings such cheap assholes??
anyway the pied piper is like ok bro you are going to regret that
and he leaves
and everyone is like oh fuck dude what did you do
and the mayor is like uh
I just got rid of all our rats
FOR FUCKING FREE
what does it look like?
and they’re like it looks like you pissed off someone who is probably a wizard
FOR FUCKING FREE
and the mayor is like yeah well everyone has an opinion

so that night
while everyone is sleeping
the pied piper rolls back through town
(by the by
why the fuck is he the “pied” piper?
I don’t see him passing out any pies
or getting into any fights with clowns
or even being slightly delicious
dude plays tunes for rats
he needs to fix his damn name
although who wants to be groupies for The Rat Piper I guess)
anyway he’s rolling through town
playing his tunes
and everyone is so relived cause of no more rats
that they don’t notice when their children all turn into zombies and sneak out the house
to follow these sick tunes
and the piper leads all the children out of town
through a door he opens up in a mountain
and then he closes it behind all of them
and the only one who escapes is a little gimpy kid
because he was too slow to get inside before the door closed
so he tells everyone and everyone is sad
but hey, no more rats!
and at least it was free, right?
right?

Okay so the moral of the story
is break your children’s legs
all the legs
it will help keep them from being kidnapped by wizards

the end

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Chicken Little Is a Little High-Strung

so there’s this chicken
she’s a small chicken and animals don’t understand names
so this little chicken is named Chicken Little
great, off to a grand start
and then Chicken Little is hanging out under a tree
and an acorn falls out of the tree and hits her on the head
and instead of dying or discovering gravity
Chicken Little catapults her whole damn self into PSYCHOBILLY FREAKOUT MODE
so she’s all running around like GUYS GUYS
THE SKY IS FALLING
THE WHOLE DAMN SKY
WHATCHA GONNA DO
and her friend Henny Penny
(who, judging by her name, is tiny, brown, and worthless)
is like I’LL TELL YOU WHAT WE’RE GONNA DO
WE’RE GONNA FLIP OUT AND GO TELL THE PRESIDENT

So that is what they do
and on their way they run into their friend Ducky Lucky
“Lucky” is a kind of a misnomer
because if there was a single wishbone in this poor animal’s body
she would have had the good fortune to totally dodge Chicken Little’s nonsense train
but as it stands
Ducky Lucky stumbles right into fiasco central station
and straight ties herself to the tracks
Chicken Licken and Henny Penny are like THE SKY’S COMING OUT OF THE SKY
and Ducky Lucky is like THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR
MINDLESS PANIC.
TO THE PRESIDENT!!

Then they round up their two other friends
Goosey Loosey, the neighborhood prostitute
and the Turkey Lurkey, the rapist
and then Nostradumbass and her moron quartet
all fly screaming and flailing towards Washington DC

so they get off the airplane in Washington
and they meet this metrosexual fox by the name of Foxy Loxy
and these birds are not very self sufficient
so they decide to ask Foxy Loxy for directions
and Foxy’s all “Don’t worry guys
hop into my windowless van and I will take you right to the president”
Then he eats all the birds in his windowless van.

So the moral of the story
is don’t do a thing
just cause a fox told you to.

THE END.

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Gamblin’ Hans

So there’s this guy Hans
he has a gambling addiction
and this is no normal gambling addiction
this addiction is straight up and no joke
SUPERNATURAL
let me explain:

So one night
two dudes show up at Hans’s house
like “hey man we were just passing through
we need a place to crash for a couple days”
and Hans is like “Sorry dudes
I have literally gambled away 100% of my possessions
I don’t even have food or a bed”
and the two dudes are like “oh that’s no problem”
because what Hans doesn’t know
is that these two dudes
are Saint Peter
and GOD.

Wait
what the fuck
what are these guys doing here
don’t they have more important things to be in charge of
like guarding the gates of heaven
and ADMINISTRATING THE FUCKING UNIVERSE?
and even if they’re on vacation or some shit
one would think that the creator of everything
might be able to secure fancier digs
than a GAMBLING HOVEL
so I guess the only explanation is that this is some kinda test

and sure enough, here comes the test
God gives Hans 20 bucks
and he’s like “alright dude, go get us some pizza”
but on the way to Pizza Hut
Hans passes the casino where he lost all his money
so now it’s decision time:
does Hans go buy pizza for god
or does he spend his 20 bucks on roulette?

GUYS I TOLD YOU HE HAD A GAMBLING ADDICTION
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE DOES
so God and Saint Peter start to wonder where Hans is at
and they go find him at the casino
like “hey what happened to our 20 bucks”
and Hans is like “uh
A BIRD STOLE IT
FUCKING BIRDS, AM I RIGHT?”
and while god DOES hate birds
he knows that Hans is full of shit
so he reaches into his back pocket of divine justice
and he pulls out
ANOTHER 20 DOLLARS
and he gives it to hans
like “Alright dude
watch out for birds this time.”
Wait what?
I thought this was a test
but it turns out it was just that god had too many Jacksons
and he needed some unreliable dude to help him get rid of them

but it turns out sorta okay
because Hans DOES come back with pizza this time
and then they eat their pizza and god is like
“hey man
thanks for the pizza
I probably could have gotten it faster myself
but apparently I am terrifyingly lazy
so as a reward for this errand
how about I give you three wishes?”
and he figures Hans will just wish to get into heaven
because i mean
eternal paradise is a pretty sweet deal
for a ten-minute pizza run
that you DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO PAY FOR
but instead
Hans immediately wishes for
a deck of cards that will never lose
a pair of dice that will always win
and … a fruit tree
that grows any kind of fruit imaginable
and uh
anyone who climbs up it needs his permission to get back down
because honestly
three wishes
is a lot of wishes to use up rationally.

so god is like whatever
and he and saint peter go back home
and meanwhile Hans proceeds to gamble SO HARD
that within a year
he literally owns HALF OF THE OBJECTS ON EARTH
and saint peter is up in heaven
and he’s like “whoah
god
I think we may have started some problems
by giving this pathological gambler infinite luck”
and God is like “whoa really?
why are people even still gambling with this guy?
You’d think they would’ve caught on by now.
Whatever, let’s just send Death after him.”

So death shows up at Hans’s palace
like “Yo dude, time to die”
and hans is like “Yeah man lemme just finish this hand
in the meantime
why don’t you climb up that fruit tree and get us some pineapples”
and death is like DURR OKAY
and then he climbs up the tree
and he can’t get down unless hans says so
so suddenly no one can die
FOR SEVEN YEARS
just like in that other story
and serious overpopulation shit starts to happen
and up in heaven Saint Peter is like “whoa
god
it seems like your death plan kinda backfired”
and god is like “shit, seriously?
why did death even want a pineapple?
we give him all the pineapples he wants down in hell
whatever, i’ll just tell Hans to let death out of the tree”

so God tells Hans to do that
and Hans is like “Okay fine”
and then death jumps out of the tree and strangles him to death
which seems inexcusably inelegant

So Hans dies
and he goes to hell
and he’s immediately like “hey satan
let’s gamble”
and Satan is apparently an idiot
because he agrees
so Hans wins hell
and then he tells all the demons to go ruin heaven
and Saint Peter is like “Whoah
God
it seems that putting a pathological gambler with infinite luck
in the kingdom of ultimate evil
along with another pathological gambler who does NOT have infinite luck
WAS A BAD IDEA”
and God is like “Really?
Shit man, what did Hans even have to bet against Satan with?
Whatever, just let him into heave.”
WHAT

So Hans gets into heaven
and he turns it into a gambling den pretty much immediately
angels are losing their shirts left and right
and that’s great
because have you ever seen pictures of angels?
those guys are fuckin’ CUT
but so Saint Peter looks down on this fiasco
and he’s like “God
buddy
we really need to come up with a more permanent solution for this guy”
and God is like “Well why didn’t you say so?”
And he flings Hans down to earth
and his soul shatters into a million pieces
and the shards all fly into poor unsuspecting dudes
causing gambling addictions
(kind of like how Thetans work)
and that is when Gamblin’ Hans
finally runs out of luck.

So the moral of the story
is there is no justice
only snake eyes

THE END.

THE END.

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Imagine You’re Receiving Oral Sex From Pinnochio And Then You Ask Him How Pretty You Are

that last myth reminded me of this little doozy:

So this dude buys some wood
so far so good
he’s a carpenter, that’s what he do
where problems start happening is when he starts sawing that shit
and the wood is all OWW FUCK STOP THAT
and the carpenter is not a fucking sadist
so he sells it to someone who is:
GEPETTO THE HOBO
yeah this dude is so poor
that apparently the sole means of income still available to him
is puppeteering.
my friends
you know you have sunk low in this life
when your get-rich-quick scheme
is making little wooden midgets punch each other in the head

but so gepetto takes this wood home and starts whittling it
and all of a sudden this huge wooden dong starts growing out of it
and he figures that would only be useful for a certain kind of puppet show
so he quickly turns the block of wood upside down and makes that into the nose
but things soon take a turn for the worse
because when Gepetto is done whittling
what is sitting there in front of him
is a fucking FULLY SENTIENT TALKING PUPPET
like, this dude just invented Chucky
and what’s worse is that Gepetto HATES children
but that’s okay, because apparently Pinnochio hates everybody
so he immediately runs away and gets caught by the cops
probably fucking up a poodle or something because puppets don’t have souls
and then the cops turn around and arrest Gepetto for wooden child abuse
and Pinnochio is all alone in the house with all these knives and shit
and that’s when we are introduced to Pinnochio’s lovable Conscience,
Jiminy Cricket!

So pinnochio throws a hammer at him and he dies.
Then he burns his feet off in the fire to see what pain is like
then when gepetto gets out of jail he tells him he needs new feet
and also that he has decided to go to school
even though puppets can’t learn
then he pawns all his schoolbooks to see a puppet show
even though he could just look at himself in a fucking mirror for free
PINNOCHIO IS A FIRST CLASS CITIZEN IS WHAT I’M SAYING

then for some reason the puppeteer at the show gives pinnochio like 500 bucks
and this fox and this cat see him and they’re like YO
DID YOU KNOW THERE IS A CITY IN A FAR OFF LAND
CALLED IDIOT CITY
AND IF YOU BURY YOUR MONEY OUTSIDE OF IT THEN A MONEY TREE WILL GROW??
HERE, WE WILL SHOW IT TO YOU AND ON THE WAY WE WILL ROB YOU
and Pinnochio is a puppet, so he sees no problem with this

so they go traveling
and the fox and the cat try to rob him
which doesn’t work because he hides the money in his mouth
then they try to hang him
which doesn’t work because he is a puppet
and then the author realizes he’s gone like a million pages without any fairies
so this blue fairy shows up and scares off the filthy animals
and pinnochio is like “hey let’s be siblings”
because puppets have no concept of how families work
which is what makes them such efficient serial killers

so they decide to buy a house
but they need to make a down payment
so the blue fairy is like “do you have any money bro?”
and Pinnochio is like “what? no, i just got mugged”
and SPROING
it turns out that pinnochio has a secret disonesty fetish
that makes his dick-nose expand every time he fibs
man, doesn’t fib just sound like something really gross?
like man I went to take the trash out the other day
and there were these two naked hobos
just fibbin’ away at each other like a couple of scabby polecats
hm
maybe it’s only gross when it’s embedded in a really gross sentence.
ANYWAY
the blue fairy tells him to stop telling all those sexy lies
and he grudgingly obliges
and then the fair summons a flock of dick-dick birds
i mean woodpeckers
to whittle down Pinnochio’s raging lie-boner
and they buy the house and invite Gepetto to live with them

but then things are going to well, so the fox and the cat come back
and they’re like HEY PINNOCHIO DO YOU REMEMBER THAT MONEY TREE?
and he’s like YEAH
LEMME GO BURY ALL THE REST OF MY MONEY RIGHT QUICK
and then obviously those filthy animals steal it
and pinnochio goes to prison for being so stupid

but then he gets out of prison
he gives a snake a stroke and pranks the shit out of some dogs
and then goes back to his cottage
and EVERYONE IS GONE
the fairy is dead and Gepetto has been eaten by a shark
and pinnochio nearly drowns trying to follow him to his watery grave
and wakes up in a slave labor camp
where he has to work for the blue fairy
who is not only not dead apparently
and also his sister
but is now also his mother i guess?
cause that ain’t weird
and he’s so relieved that she’s not dead
that he agrees to go to school so he can become a real boy
except who the fuck is he kidding
who wants to be a real boy
when being a fake boy means you can’t be lynched
and you can burn off your feet in a fire and just buy new ones
and I assume this is why Pinnochio mainly uses his schoolbooks as projectile weapons
and then runs away to a vast carnival of sex, booze, and cigars
just like any real boy would

but then there’s some weird thing where the carnival turns him into a donkey
because fun is evil
and then he gets sold to a butcher
who tries to drown him
but then fish just eat all the donkey skin off him
and then he leaves
consequence-free, once again
all thanks to his wooden body and conspicuous lack of a soul
HONESTLY I DO NOT KNOW WHY THIS GUY WANTS TO BE A REAL BOY

so then Pinnochio is swimming in the ocean
and he manages to get himself eaten by a giant shark
which normally I wouldn’t consider an achievement
except that this happens to be the same shark who ate Gepetto
who is still living inside of it, on a giant boat which it also ate
(this, obviously, is why I was reminded of Jonah and the Whale)
and then the shark dies, obviously
of malnutrition
due to its apparent inability to digest anything it eats
coupled with an unfortunate tendency to eat things like boats
and pinnochio and Gepetto escape
and they end up working for a farmer
who has a donkey who actually used to be one of Pinnochio’s bros
back at the carnival, you know
and after long months of ceaseless labor
Pinnochio takes the 40 cents he has earned at this fucking sweatshop farm
and goes into town to buy himself maybe some food or something
but then he runs into a snail who says the blue fairy is sick and needs cash
and Pinnochio believes him
because snails are naturally trustworthy
because why would you spend like 36 hours crawling over to the corner
if you were going to fucking fib about it
so pinnochio wires her his 40 cents
and then the next morning he wakes up human
with a magic bag full of pimp clothes
and like a million dollars
because… it was time for the story to end?

so the moral of the story
is that being a soulless wooden puppet
may set you up for a life of rad adventures and zero consequences
but in the end
having a human heart
is super overrated

THE END.

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Hotness and the Yeti

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
allow me to take you back
back to a time when princes roamed the earth
and shit didn’t have to make sense.
A lot of stories took place during this time
but this one is one of the dumbest
okay, let’s go:

so this chick has two sisters and a rich dad
they’re not very close though
in fact, they’re pretty estranged
so estranged
that no one remembers this chick’s name
and instead they just call her by her sole distinguishing trait
her Hotness

it’s not like Hotness is just two rad tits in a ladyskin, though
she’s got smart brains, too
and also like
a personality and shit
her sisters are not so lucky
they are ugly and everyone calls them the Bitch Twins

so naturally the Bitch Twins hate Hotness with a vengance
but she doesn’t hate anyone
cause it’s hard to hate when you’ve got such a nice rack.

but oh shit
looks like the rich dad just got a lot less rich
so now they’re living out in the country being all poor and shit
but then it’s okay because a ship full of Dad’s valuable goods is coming in
and he’s like “Alright daughters, I’m gonna go pick that stuff up
want me to buy you anything while I’m out?”
and the Bitch Twins are like “YES
EVERYTHING.”
and Hotness is like “Uh … a pretty flower?”
because it is hard to desire material riches when you have such a nice rack.

so Dad goes out to pick up his riches
but then he gets involved in a lawsuit
for running over a pedestrian on his way home
and all the goods have to go to pay for legal fees
and then he gets lost in the forest
and as we know
anyone who gets lost in a forest automatically ends up SOMEPLACE MAGIC

so Dad rolls up on this sweet sweet castle
and he goes inside and there’s a megafat feast laid out
and nobody in sight
and he’s like “Uh hello?
Scary castle ghosts?
Please remain silent to indicate that I should eat all your food.”
then he eats all the food
drinks all the booze
and passes out in the first bed he sees
then he gets eaten by scary castle ghosts.

Oh shit
no, wait
I did that thing again where I write what I wanted to happen
instead of what actually happened
what actually happens is that Dad wakes up with a brand new pimp suit
and a mug of hot chocolate absolutely free
and he is like “Gee, thanks scary castle ghosts!”
and he walks out into the garden to leave
and sees some pretty roses
and he’s like “Oh yeah
my sexy daughter totally asked for one of these
and they’re totally free anyway
YOINK”
and THIS IS WHEN PROBLEMS START HAPPENING

cause all of a sudden this huge angry yeti busts into the garden
like NOOOO THOSE ARE MINE
NOW I WILL EAT YOU
and the dad is like NO DON’T KILL ME
THINK OF MY HOT DAUGHTERS
and the yeti is like HOT DAUGHTERS YOU SAY?
I WILL GLADLY ACCEPT A HOT DAUGHTER IN EXCHANGE FOR NOT KILLING YOU
and the Dad is like YES
I KNEW there was a reason I had daughters
and then he gets to fill a sack with riches and go home to say goodbye to his family
(in the original version he’s kind of sad about this actually
but fuck that
who needs daughters when you have your daughters’ weight in gold?)

so Dad gets home and he’s like Welp
I hope this rose was worth it, Hotness
cause now you get to be enslaved to a Yeti forever
and Hotness is like Aw dang
but she’s like pathologically obedient so she just deals with it
because it’s hard to think for yourself when you have such a nice rack

CUT TO INSIDE CASTLE VON YETI
There’s another sweet feast laid out
and Hotness and her dad eat it
and then the yeti shows up in a suit
all like “Okay dad, time to leave your daughter alone with a yeti”
and that’s what happens

except it turns out not to be so bad
there isn’t even any rape or anything
Hotness gets a totally legit library
and a magic mirror for spying on her sisters
and basically any other shit she can think of
and all she has to do in return
is repeatedly turn down the yeti’s marriage proposals
seriously, every night this loser shows up to dinner
like “hey Hotness
where are your standards at today?
Getting lower?”
and Hotness is like “Ooh… still pretty high actually.
Sorry …”
and he’s like “SIIIIIIIGHHHHHHHHHH.
It’s cool, it’s cool.
Same time tomorrow?”
and she’s like “I want CAVIAR.”

So this goes on for three months
and Hotness comes to think of the yeti as a pretty nice guy
(nice here being a code-word for “rich and magical”)
but she still kinda misses her dad
so she asks to be teleported back to her house for a week
so she can escape Creepy McUgg-Uggs and his castle
I MEAN … so she can reunite with her beloved family that sold her out to yetis
and the Yeti is like “okay that’s fine
but you better come back after a week.
just put your ring on your bedside table after that and you’ll wake up here
thanks to my nigh-omnipotent army of fairy spies and flying helper monkeys”
and Hotness is like “Yeah okay whatever”

so she goes home and everyone is super jazzed
or at least pretending to be jazzed
cause see, her sisters are totally pissed that Hotness gets to live in a castle
because they have succeeded in marrying the two worst dudes possible
(one is Narcissus, and the other one is Oscar Wilde)
and they figure that if they’re real nice to Hotness
then she’ll stay longer than week
thus breaking her promise and leading to some yeti-induced dismemberment
and it totally works
except that then on the 10th night
Hotness goes to sleep and dreams that the yeti is dying in his garden
and she wakes up like SHIT
TELEPORTING TIME
and she puts her ring on the bedside table and wakes up in the castle

but where the fuck is the yeti?
DEAD IN THE GARDEN, THAT’S WHERE
so she runs to the garden and dumps water on his head
to bring him back to life because it’s magic water or whatever
and she’s like What the fuck happened
and he’s like Oh hey
I was so bummed that you left me that I decided to starve myself to death

OKAY GUYS
MAJOR RELATIONSHIP RED FLAG
IF HOTNESS WAS WONDERING WHETHER OR NOT TO MARRY THIS GUY
THIS SHOULD DEFINITELY REMOVE ANY DOUBT FROM HER MIND

and it DOES!
because you know what they say?
they say her standards dropped 100% that day!
and she’s all “Yes, you emo mountain goblin!
Yes I’ll marry you!
Because I love you!
And also because I have been emotionally blackmailed into doing this!
Also, you’re rich!”
(Somehow I feel like Beauty and the Beast is the 1760s’ answer to Twilight)

and no sooner do these words leave her mouth
when a bunch of fireworks start going off everywhere
and then the yeti
turns into a SMOKIN’ HOT DUDE!
and he’s like CONGRATULATIONS, HOTNESS
YOU HAVE PROVED THAT TRUE LOVE TRIUMPHS OVER WORLDLY TRIFLES SUCH AS BEAUTY
YOUR REWARD IS A HOT GUY
ALSO WORLDLY RICHES
ENJOY
and then this fairy shows up and turns the Bitch Twins into statues
specifically statues that will remain conscious of their hellish torment forever
which is sort of redundant because they were already married.

So the moral of the story
is that if you really love someone
win them over with your magic and riches
and if that fails
kill yourself.

THE END.

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