Author Archives: Ovid

Young Kullervo is an Asshole

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When I told the tale of Turin
y’all informed me I was trippin
cause the story Tolkein ripped off
for his store-brand tragic hero
is the god damn Kalevala
and it’s way way way way better
and I have to yell it at you
so, uh, hold on to your faces
while I talk about Kullervo:

Back in old and violent Finland
there’s a farmer named Kalervo
(no relation to Kullervo
other than that he’s his grand-dad?)
and this other dude Untamo
really hates him some Kalervo
cause Kalervo steals his fish
and Untamo hates to share fish
so Untamo kills Kalervo
also all Kalervo’s people
other than his sexy daughter
who is pregnant with Kullervo

Now, Kullervo is a wizard
and he doesn’t have a father
cause he’s Finnish super-jesus
only way more of a dickhead
like they put him in a cradle
which he blows up with his magic
so they’re like “oh shit, a wizard”
and they put him in a basket
put the basket in the river
all like “Welp, it worked on moses”
BUT IT DOESN’T WORK ON THIS DUDE
he just gets out of the basket
so they come back to the river
all like “Wow, we’d better burn him”
so they set his ass on fire
but his ass is like asbestos
so they put out all the fire
all like “dang, let’s crucify him”
But Kullervo’s super-jesus
so it doesn’t even matter.

So Untamo’s freaking out now
(he’s who wants to kill Kullervo)
like “I can’t seem to destroy him
better give him some employment”
so he has him watch a baby
but Kullervo kills the baby
then he has him chop some firewood
but Kullervo kills the forest
then he wants a fence for livestock
but Kullervo makes too much fence
so he has him thresh some wheat
which Kullervo fucking ruins

Finally, Untamo’s fed up
he’s like “Boy, you’re fucking useless
gonna sell you to a blacksmith
cause it’s hard to murder iron.”
and Kullervo’s like “Just watch me”
and Untamo’s like “Not gonna
kinda why I’m gonna sell you:
never wanna see you ever.”

Now you know about Kullervo
or at least his early childhood
trust me, shit gets so much weirder
(I will yell about it later)

in the meantime, here’s the moral:
if you find that you are pregnant
but you’re also still a virgin
go a head and kill the baby
cause it’s probably an asshole
also childbirth is way painful.

The end. (until next weekend)

Turin is like a Macbeth wrapped in an Oedipus

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So we’re almost at the end of the Silmarillion
and that’s a problem
because there’s still a lot of misery Tolkien wants to pack in
so what he does
and this is brilliant
is he takes all the misery he’s been saving up
plus all the GREAT NAMES
and uses them on ONE DUDE
this dude’s name is Turin
FOR NOW

So remember those dudes who were trying to hold the mountains against Morgoth?
Well they were led by a dude named Hurin
who Morgoth took prisoner
and then when Hurin repeatedly told Morgoth to go fuck himself
Morgoth was like FINE
YOUR WHOLE FAMILY IS CURSED FOREVER
and Hurin is like JOKE’S ON YOU
I BET MY FAMILY WILL ANNIHILATE ITSELF SUPER FAST
SO YOUR CURSE WON’T EVEN LAST VERY LONG
and Morgoth is like uhh
yeah, that’s the idea.

Hurin left behind a pregnant wife (Morwen)
and a son (Turin)
and pretty soon Morwen stops being pregnant and now there is a daughter
(Nienor)
But Morwen lives in a bad neighborhood
it’s run by the humans that betrayed the good guys
it’s a shitty place for a baby
so Morwen ships Turin off to live at Thingol and Melian’s place with the elves
but keeps Nienor at home for some reason
and that’s totally fine for like ten minutes

but then Turin grows up
and gets pissed at some elf for making fun of humans
and basically throws that dude off a cliff
and then he’s like oh shit I’m a criminal now
better go run off in the woods and lead a band of outlaws
also I should change my name to Neithan so no one knows who I am
that’ll trick ’em.

But it really doesn’t
the elves decide not to press charges for the murder
because no one really likes the dude Turin killed
and they send one of their best elves to go bring him back
the elf’s name is Bereg
and Bereg shows up at the outlaw camp like hey dude
come back to elftowne
and Turin is like nope
and Bereg is like okay I guess I’m with you now

so they’re running around in the woods
and they find some dwarves
and proceed to rob the shit of them
they shoot one dwarf with an arrow
and then capture that dwarf’s dad
and Turin is like oh shit dude
sorry I killed your son
I don’t have any gold right now
but if I did, I’d totally give it to you for your son.
And the dwarf’s goldlust is SO POWERFUL
that even IMAGINARY GOLD gets his dick hard
so he’s like I like your style, dude
come live in my secret castle.

They live in the castle for a while
and kill a lot of orcs while living there
but there’s a problem:
when Bereg hooked up with Turin, he brought him a special hat
that I think Turin’s dad used to own or something
so Turin puts it on
and likes it so much that he gives himself ANOTHER NAME:
Gorthol, which means “Cool hat”
This would be totally fine
except some of Morgoth’s dudes recognize the hat and tell him about it
and Morgoth is like OH SHIT THAT’S TURIN
GONNA SEND ALL MY SPIES THERE
so the spies capture the dwarf whose house Turin’s living in
all like LET US INTO YOUR SECRET CASTLE TO KILL TURIN
and the dwarf is like yeah fuck those guys
so orcs kill everybody
except Bereg, who is just unconscious
and Turin, who they capture and drag away.
Then Bereg wakes up like AW HELLS NO
and he picks up his magic sword and his rad bow
and chases him some orcs.

Here’s what you should know about Bereg’s magic sword:
it’s called Anglachel
it’s made of black iron from a fallen star
forged by a dark elf who hates everybody
and only gave the sword away because he had to
and the sword is cursed to eventually kill whoever wields it.
Why anyone would choose to wield this sword is a TOTAL MYSTERY
but there you go.

So Bereg tracks down the orcs
and in the process he hooks up with an elf named Gwindor
who just escaped from Morgoth’s mines
and is honestly pretty useless.
Then Bereg sneaks into the orc camp in the middle of the night
gets Turin
brings him to the woods
and cuts his bonds off with that evil sword
which accidentally stabs Turin, waking him up
and Turin is like OH SHIT GOBLINS
and grabs the sword
and STABS BEREG’S FACE
then he finishes waking up and he’s like aww man
now I really can’t go back to Thingol’s place.

But Gwindor is like no worries buddy
you seem like an ok dude
come crash at the hidden city of Nargothrond, where I’m from
and Turin is like I THINK I WILL
BUT FIRST
GOTTA CHANGE MY NAME
Hmm, how about Agarwaen, son of Umarth
(it means bloodface, son of shitty-dad
watch his names get worse over time)

Nargothrond has survived centuries of war with morgoth at this point
for one simple reason:
nobody can fucking find it
but luckily Turin is here now, and that can all stop
Turin proposes a new strategy:
no stealth
stab everyone
and all the elves are like I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOUR MILITARY CREDENTIALS
BUT YOU SURE ARE SEXY
LET’S DOOOO ITTTTT

While this is going on, Turin also manages to steal Gwindor’s girlfriend
and Gwindor retaliates by telling everyone his real name
so Turin is like Great job, asshole, now I need a NEW NAME
FROM NOW ON, CALL ME MORMEGIL, THE BLACK BLADE
(it’s actually the most sensible name he’s come up with
since he still has that sword he used to stab Bereg
and that sword is black
ALSO CURSED TO SLAY IT’S WIELDER BUT I’M SURE THAT WON’T MATTER)

So Turin kills a lot of dudes with his evil sword
but then some elves show up at Nargothrond like Hey guys
there’s a whole bunch of doom on the way here
you should probably hide in your invisible fortress so as not to get any on you
and Turin is like GUYS
WHOSE ADVICE ARE YOU GOING TO LISTEN TO?
SOME PANSY-ASS ELVES
OR MORMEGIL
THE BLACK BLADE
and everyone is like Black Blade obviously
so instead of doing the smart thing and hiding
they charge head first towards the incoming orcs and dragons

hold up, did I type “dragons”?
Yes I did.
Glaurung the magic dragon is leading the charge
he is fully grown and full of magic hate juice
he kills pretty much everyone
then runs past everyone else and into Nargothrond
which is conveniently accessible because of a bridge Turin made them build
and then when Turin finally shows up to stop them
Glaurung is like Hey bro
look at me
stop yelling for a second and just look at me
LOOK AT ME
Okay.
Now, you’ve been being kind of a huge dick for the past …
your entire life
You stabbed Bereg
You stole Gwindon’s girlfriend
(who I am now totally stealing btw)
also Nargothrond is dead and it’s your fault
but luckily your mom and your sister are still safe at home
OR ARE THEY??
BETTER GO CHECK
DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE ORCS WHO ARE KIDNAPPING ALL THE CIVILIANS HERE
GO GO GO
and Turin goes
due to a combination of dragon hypnosis
and the fact that Glaurung is pretty spot on with his argument.

So Turin goes all the way to the town where he was born
but Morwen and Nienor are gone
they went to Thingol’s place to find HIM
so he gets mad and stabs everybody in town
then he finds some random dudes and joins their town
and you know what else he does?
I’ll give you a hint:
HE CHANGES HIS FUCKING NAME
oh shit that wasn’t a hint that was just the answer.
His new name is Turambar
MASTER OF DOOM
(okay forget what I said about his names getting dumber
that one is sick
he should have stared with that one and just stuck with it)

Meanwhile Morwen and Nienor hear that Nargothrond got took by dragons
and that the dude everyone’s been calling Mormegil was actually Turin
and that he’s probably dead
so Morwen is like IMA GO FIND HIM
and Nienor is like NOT WITHOUT MY COMPLETELY USELESS ASS YOU AREN’T
so they go together
along with a bunch of elves who are constantly trying to stop them
but that doesn’t work
instead they all get lost in a fog
Morwen is killed when her horse runs into a tree
and Glaurung the dragon gives Nienor retrograde amnesia by staring at her.
Some of the elves take care of her for a while
but then she takes off all her clothes and runs away.

AND GUESS WHO FINDS HER?
Obviously Turambar, MASTER OF DOOM.
He teaches her how to talk
which leads to a My Fair Lady type scenario
and since nobody knows who anybody is, they get married
because I’m sure you were all wondering how Tolkien could write a myth without incest
and then Turin starts stabbing orcs with his black sword again
which is a great way to let Glaurung know where he is
so here comes Glaurung again

but it’s okay
Turin just finds Glaurung and stabs him in the gut
but then passes out because of too much evil
and then Nienor shows up like oh no my husband is dead
and Glaurung uses his dying breah to be like No he’s not dead
you know what he IS, though?
YOUR BROTHER!
BOOM!
Then Glaurung dies
and Nienor jumps off a cliff.

Then Turin wakes up
and one of his bros is like dude
I think you married your sister and got her pregnant
and she DEFINITELY just killed herself
and Turin is like BULLSHIT
but then some elves from Thingol’s place show up
and Turin’s like oh thank god you’re here
where’s my sister
and they’re like I dunno dude I thought you had her
and Turin is like FUCK.

So he runs off into the woods
and he pulls out his evil black sword
and he’s like hey sword, wanna stab me real quick?
and the sword is like yeah duh.

SO, FINAL SCORE:
TOTAL NUMBER OF NAMES: SIX
TOTAL NUMBER OF FRIENDS/FAMILY MEMBERS DEAD/IMPREGNATED: ALL
TOTAL NUMBER OF THINGS SUCCEEDED AT: ZERO
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS ONLY USE GUNS
THEY ARE LESS OFTEN CURSED.

It’s Still Bestiality if it’s With a Monkey

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So someone told me to do this Indonesian myth
and I figured after all that tolkien and videogame shit
y’all could use some culture
so sit and listen
as I tell you the tale
OF THE DUMBEST EVIL SISTER EVER

So there’s this king named Prabu Tapak Agung
and that’s the last time i’m ever typing that name
because now he’s dead
and he made one of his daughters president
but here’s the problem
he made his YOUNGEST daughter president
(her name is Purba Sari)
and her big sister Purba Rarang is like AW HELL NAW
so she runs to her hot evil fiancee Indrajaya
like WAAA WHAT DO I DO
and he’s like don’t even worry
this is why we have witches
and Purba Rarang is like oh yeah

so she finds a witch to give Purba Sari a skin disease
and then runs around the kingdom like EVERYBODY LOOK
PURBA SARI IS UGLY NOW AND IT MEANS SHE DID A SIN
LET’S EXILE HER!!!!1111!!11

God dammit, Purba Rarang
how do you expect that awful fucking lie to work?
I mean you live in a world where magic exists and God is real and stuff
but you know what else causes horrible skin diseases besides God?
FUCKING WITCHES
WHY IS ANYONE GOING TO BELIEVE YOU WHEN YOU SAY GOD DID IT?
THAT’S NOT EVEN GOD’S STYLE
HE’D PROBABLY GIVE HER TEN DIFFERENT PLAGUES UNTIL SHE DIED
AND THEN RAISE HER FROM THE DEAD BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T GET ENOUGH PLAGUES YET

but wow
everyone else in this story is even stupider than Purba Rarang
so Purba Sari DOES get exiled
to a little cottage that the military builds for her in the forest
and she chills out there for several years
until a monkey called Lutung Kasarung brings her some magic water
that makes her skin disease go away
(he found it by meditating
he’s a pretty rad monkey)

so now that she’s not ugly
there’s no reason for Purba Sari to be exiled
so she goes back to the kingdom like sup
and her sister is like WHAT WHAT WHAT IS THIS
WHY AREN’T YOU UGLY
GO AWAY
and Purba Sari is like NUP
and Purba Rarang is like OK
I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL:
WHOEVER’S HAIR IS LONGEST WINS
READY, SET, MEASURE HAIR

WHAT
dude, your sister has been living in the woods for YEARS
FAR FAR AWAY from any type of hair-cuttery
she is DEFINITELY going to win
and guess what
SHE TOTALLY DOES
and Purba Rarang is like uhh
uhh
ok new duel
whoever’s fiancee is the hottest wins
ready, set, HOT FIANCEES

so Purba Rarang is pretty set in this contest
because Indrajaya is pretty hot
plus Purba Sari doesn’t even HAVE a fiancee
but Purba Sari must not have a very high opinion of Indrajaya’s looks
or herself
because she immediately appoints Lutung Kasarung as her fiancee
YES
THE MONKEY

and Purba Rarang is like seriously?
You are going to lose to me
AND marry a monkey in the process?
Holy shit, you suck
but then Lutung Kasarung tells her to go fuck herself
by straight up TURNING INTO A HOT DUDE
WAY HOTTER THAN INDRAJAYA
and Indrajaya gets all embarrassed and runs off
and Purba Rarang is like dang
I guess you’re better than me
go ahead and be queen now, see if I care.

BUT WHY WAS THERE A HOT DUDE IN THAT MONKEY?
I’ll tell you why
Lutung Kasarung was actually a prince
who got turned into a monkey by the gods for being a dick
and at the crucial moment
when he became Purba Sari’s fiancee
he prayed to the gods like Ok guys
I know I have done some bad stuff
like murder and larceny or whatever
but this chick is totally smokin hot
(now that her skin disease is cleared up)
please don’t block my cock
AND THE GODS HEARD HIS PRAYERS

So the moral of the story
is fuck justice
get bitches.

The end.

Medivh is Posessed But That’s No Excuse

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So there’s this chick Aegwyn
you can tell she’s an elf because of all the unnecessary vowels
especially the Y
the W is also a helpful clue
basically every letter in her name is an elf letter
except actually she’s not an elf
what the fuck.

What she IS though
is an immortal guardian of the land of Azeroth
super magical and like a thousand years old
who wanders all over the place
just telling evil to go fuck itself
the only rule is that SHE CAN’T INTERFERE WITH HUMANS AT ALL
so obviously that’s exactly what she does

Why?
BECAUSE SHE’S PRETTY HORNY, YOU GUYS
you try foregoing any and all sexy times for ten centuries
these are problems you are never going to understand.
So Aegwyn is like OH UH OH WHOOPS
I GUESS IT’S TIME FOR ME TO PASS ON MY INSANE MAGICAL POWERS TO MY SON
WHERE AM I GOING TO GET A SON THOUGH
OH SHIT THAT’S RIGHT
FROM INTERCOURSE

so she finds this sorcerer named Neilas Aran
who is extremely well endowed
with magical ability
and she is like hey okay I need you to help me make a baby
he will be magical as fuck
and be in charge of literally everything for as long as he wants to be
and Aran is like ok ok sure but
like
can we continue to talk about this AFTER you are naked

so Aegwyn gets pregnant
and wanders around for a while
fighting demons and imprisoning them and stuff
until she has a baby
at which point she brings it back to Nielas like hey here’s your baby
and Aran is like wtf I’m not ready to be a father
and Aegwyn is like tough tits I’m a wizard I do what I want
BOOM VANISH’D

Soooooooooo all Aegwyn’s powers are in her baby now
but babies are stupid assholes
so Aegwyn wisely puts a time-delay lock on all that magic
until the baby reaches the ripe old age
of FOURTEEN?!
Guys
if there is any age where a person is more of a stupid asshole than when they are a baby
it is fourteen
fourteen is an age where a person will literally do anything they have the ability to do.
for most kids this involves fireworks and a bottle of everclear and maybe trying to walk to Mexico
for Medivh this apparently involves ABSOLUTELY ANY THING HE CAN IMAGINE
which is why when he hits the appointed age
his mind just implodes with all that possibility
and he goes into a coma
FOR THE NEXT SEVEN YEARS

the real reason for this
is remember how Aegwyn was fighting demons and shit earlier?
Well one of them
(named Sargeras)
got inside her in the least sexy way
and burrowed all up inside her baby
and when the time release on all that magic activated
he was like OH SHIT
TIME TO PARTY

so Aegwyn is obviously a little concerned
but not concerned enough to like
actually do anything about it
so she dicks around in the forest for a few years
until Medivh wakes up
and starts inventing new types of problems
and then causing them using his magic.

Basically what he does is he logs into the Twisting Nether
(which is the Warcraft universe’s equivalent of the internet)
and he just starts cruising through shady chatrooms
looking for impressionable young warlocks to catfish.
And pretty soon he finds one
this Orc named Gul’Dan
who lives way over in another world called Draenor
which is a really shitty world
primarily because the orcs have already killed anything that might make it not shitty
and now they’re bored.

So Medivh is like DUDE, Gul’Dan
do you want to party?
I have a world here with tons of murderable people in it
and my mom totally lets me do whatever I want here
you should totally come over
and Gul’Dan is like I dunno
why travel all the way over to your place
when we can always murder our own guys right here?
and Medivh is like DUDE
My mom has this WICKED demon locked up here
he’s called Sargeras and he will totally grant you wishes and shit
my mom won’t let me in but I’m pretty sure we can pick the lock.
and Gul’Dan is like HELL YEAH
LITERALLY HELL YEAH
HOW DO I GET THERE?
and Medivh is like Oh we have this great public transit system
it’s called ripping a hole in reality itself
all you gotta do for me
is promise to murder all the guys in this kingdom I want to be king of
so I can … be king of their corpses
(this gives Gul’Dan a great idea for later)

so Medivh rips open a hole for Gul’Dan in the middle of Azeroth’s shittiest swamp
which is kind of a dick move but I guess he figures the orcs won’t mind
and the orcs all come charging through
stabbing EVERYTHING
and all the humans are like What the fuck Medivh
MAJOR party foul.
And then they stab him for being a dick
and Gul’Dan is like NOOOOOOOOOO
YOU GOTTA TELL ME WHERE THAT TOMB IS
and Medivh is like I would love to buddy
but I’m dead
I don’t even know how I’m saying this
you probably shouldn’t be listening to my thoughts right now
that’s really gonna mess you up

And it does!
Gul’Dan goes into a coma for like a week
and when he wakes up
he discovers that the rest of the orcs are just like Fuck Warlocks
and he’s like fine
I’ll just raise an army of the dead for the new warchief
and go find this sweet demon tomb MYSELF
and when I find it I’m not gonna share it with ANYBODY.
And that goes super well for him
and like the entire sentient population of the multiverse.

So the moral of the story
is don’t give limitless magical power to babies
this is basic stuff you guys.

The end.

The Silmarillion: Five Battles is TOO MANY BATTLES

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So I figured it out
I figured out why the war with Morgoth is so slow
think about it
elves are immortal
if nobody stabs them
they don’t die
EVER
so the only time a battle ever happens
is when a bunch of elves gets tired of living
which seems to happen like once every two or three hundred years

anyway, Morgoth has just busted the siege the elves were laying
by shooting a hot ball of sharp jizzy death out of his fortress
and now there’s werewolves and shit everywhere
and even minus one Silmaril, Morgoth is looking PRETTY THREATENING
so finally Maedhros
who has more reason to hate Morgoth than most
because he had to CUT OFF HIS OWN HAND to escape Morgoth’s torture
is like FUCK THIS
WE NEED TO MAKE AN ARMY AND FUCKING KILL THIS DUDE
IT WILL BE SO MUCH MORE AWESOME TO BE IMMORTAL
ONCE WE DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS GUY EVERY CENTURY OR TWO

so he goes around convincing elves to join his army
but here’s the problem
Maedhros is one of Feanor’s kids
and everyone is still pissed at Feanor for the whole boat burning thing
so almost all of the elves are sworn not to help Maedhros
and those who aren’t
are either pissed off at Maedhros for demanding the Silmaril from them
or unwilling to help because they live in Turgon’s secret base.
But he’s still got Fingon, high king of the Noldor
plus all the Dwarves
and most of the humans
and when they’re on their way to stomp Morgoth
Turgon changes his mind and sends all his dudes to come help too
plus they’ve got a great plan
where Fingon draws out Morgoth’s forces
and then Maedhros comes up and takes those forces from behind
in a classic surprise-butt-fuck I mean pincer maneuver
so all in all it’s not looking too bad.

Here’s the problem though:
there’s still like another hundred pages in this book
and shit has to get way worse before it’s over.
Morgoth finds out about the plan
so he mind controls a bunch of shitty humans from the east side
to come west and join the army against him
just so they can betray it.
They do this in several stages:

STAGE ONE:
Some shitty dude named Uldor the Accursed
(why would you let a dude with that name in your army?)
goes to Maedhros like DUDE
SLOW DOWN
GRAB THE WALL
MORGOTH’S ON HIS WAY TO MAKE YOUR ASS FALL OFF
and Maedhros does indeed slow down
which means Fingon is left holding his dick in front of Morgoth’s fortress
waiting for his bro to show up for the pincer maneuver

STAGE TWO:
Morgoth sends a portion of his force out to taunt Fingon
they march out and stand just downhill from the allied army
waving their butts and being totally rude
but Fingon is like guys
we’re up on a hill
if they wanna attack us up on the hill we will RUIN them
don’t look at their rude butts
just stay cool.
But then the orcs send a couple of dudes up the hill
like OH HAI THERE
WE HAVE A PRISONER OF YOURS
WATCH WHILE WE TAKE OFF ALL HIS ARMS AND LEGS
DOES THAT MAKE YOU ANGRY?
And the brother of the dude they are dismembering
is like WHY YES IT DOES
CHAAAAAAAARGE
and all the elves are like oh shit are we charging now?
ok
and then BATTLE IS HAPPENING

STAGE 3:
IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER
The elves are doing awesome in the battle
their swords are mad shiny and that is an advantage
but then all of a sudden
some of those shitty humans start stabbing the wrong people
and the elves and dwarves and other humans are like WTF
NO TEAMKILLING

But it’s too late
the team gets slaughtered
Morgoth wins
and all that’s left are Turgon’s guys from the secret base
who are trying to hold a mountain pass
along with some humans
and the humans are like DUDE JUST LEAVE
and Turgon’s like NO I’M NOT GONNA LEAVE
and the humans are like THEY DON’T KNOW WHERE YOUR SECRET BASE IS
YOU CAN TOTALLY HIDE THERE AND BE FINE
and Turgon is like oh yeah ok
totally leaving.

So he leaves
and all the humans die
and then the orcs take all the corpses from the battle
and just make a big ol huge pile of corpses
so big as to be visible from the remaining elf lands.
it makes the elves really sad
and the orcs are actually kind of creeped out by it too
to the point that none of them walk there ever again
but then some grass grows on it
and it actually ends up being the nicest place in Morgoth’s territory

so the moral of the story
is that when life gives you corpses
make landscaping decisions.

TO BE CONTINUED
(HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOLLY)

This Tin Soldier is Too Steadfast

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Okay so I’ve had problems with Hans Christian Andersen in the past
namely that he is a huge sadist
and has problematic opinions about beauty.
but this story right here
this is him not even trying to not be an asshole
it involves a tin soldier
a paper princess
and a whole family size tub of fuck you

so this kid gets some soldiers for his birthday
these soldiers are made out of tin because this is the fucking stone age
and they’re not even made out of enough tin
because one of them only has one leg
and this is the dude our story is about
BECAUSE HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN HATES HIS CHARACTERS

so this soldier gets out of his box
and he sees this paper castle
and in this paper castle there is a ballerina
and because she is a paper doll and not a real person
she is constantly standing on one leg forever
and the soldier can’t see her other leg
so he’s like HOLY SHIT
SHE’S CRIPPLED LIKE ME
OBVIOUSLY WE ARE SOUL MATES
BUT WAIT
I’M POOR
FUCK
BETTER JUST STARE AT HER ALL NIGHT INSTEAD OF MAKING A MOVE
so he does

then at midnight this goblin shows up like
FUCK YOU STOP LOOKING AT MY WOMAN
and the tin soldier says nothing
because remember
HE’S A TIN FUCKING SOLDIER
if you read this story carefully
you will notice that he does literally nothing the entire time
(it’s because he’s not alive)

so then the next morning the boy who owns him puts him in the window
and he falls out because he only has one leg
and no one can find him because they’re all blind assholes
until it starts raining and some street kids show up
and they prove that they deserve to be orphans
by putting this helpless soldier in a paper boat
and sending him on a one-way trip to drown town
aka the gutter
where he gets chased by a rat and then eaten by a fish
and then someone kills the fish
and someone else cuts it open
and they’re like HOLY SHIT IT’S A TIN SOLDIER
WE NEED TO STOP FEEDING OUR FISH SHIT LIKE THIS
SERIOUSLY
POLLUTION IS A PROBLEM
THOSE GUTTERS DRAIN TO THE OCEAN YOU GUYS
STOP THROWING TOYS IN, YOU SHITTY CHILDREN

but then guess what
THE SOLDIER ENDS UP RIGHT BACK IN THE SAME HOUSE HE FELL OUT OF
and the party is still going on
because these kids party hard
they party REALLY HARD
they party SO HARD
that one kid grabs the tin soldier
and chucks him in the fucking FIRE
and he MELTS
and then a breeze catches the little paper dancer princess
and blows her into the fucking fire too
and FWOOM
LOVE IS DEAD.
Later the fire goes out and the soldier has melted into a tin heart
the maid scoops it up and throws it in the trash.

WOW
REALLY?
So basically what you did, Hans Christian Andersen
is you gave feelings to an inanimate tin soldier
just so you could drag him through a sewer
and then set him on fire
and have it be a bad experience for him
GUYS
IS THERE A NOBEL PRIZE FOR BEING A BIG OL JERK?
BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE WE JUST FOUND OUR WINNER
FOR EVERY YEAR
FOREVER

Oh, you want a moral?
Fine
the moral is don’t fall in love if your legs don’t work
you’ll end up in a fire because children suck
you know what
don’t fall in love even if your legs do work
working legs don’t make you immune to fire
just hate everyone you meet
and stay away from fires.

ugh god
this is terrible
i’m going to bed.

Humpty Dumpty Had a Rad Death

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So there’s this dude named Humpty Dumpty
NO HE IS NOT AN EGG
WHERE IN THE RHYME DOES IT SAY HE’S AN EGG, HUH?
NOWHERE
oh yes, some people say it’s a riddle
and the answer is “he’s an egg”
WELL RIDDLE ME THIS:
FUCK YOU

so this dude is sitting on a wall
he is wasted like a handjob on a paraplegic
probably because his name is slang for a really gross brandy cocktail
but whatever the reason
he falls off this wall
and he SHATTERS

Here’s what I think
I think a wizard did it
I think a wizard was sick of Humpty’s shit
his boisterous ways and his dumb name
and he hit him with a freeze ray
knocked him off the wall
and KA-SPLANK
turned Mister Dumpty into a mosaic-in-waiting
PUT THAT IN YOUR HISTORY BOOKS
NERDS
fuck, first put the original rhyme in history books
then replace it with mine
problem solved, let’s move on

so to make matters worse
all of the king’s horses have escaped
they are stampeding through the town
the king has had to assign ALL OF HIS MEN to apprehend the dumb beasts
so they all come gallumphing down the alley
grinding Humpty’s frozen giblets into even smaller giblettes
and then they’re all like whoa whoa
what the fuck
did someone let a wizard in here
god damn
it’s okay, though, it’s okay
we can fix this

no they cannot
primarily because horses and manservants are NOT DOCTORS
and even if they were
this dude shattered
and superglue won’t be invented for another ten years or whatever
I don’t even know why they’re trying
probably the men see that the horses have stopped for a minute
and they are just using this as a distraction to get the animals back under control

anyway that’s the end
a drunk man dies
a bunch of horses live
fair trade
but I think we all learned a valuable lesson
which is don’t fuck with wizards
they became wizards for a reason
and that reason was so you would not fuck with them

the end

The Jabberwocky, OR: The Monstrous, Talkative Chicken

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Try to keep up.

It was cold and muggy, and those weasely toves
were all jumping around and touching each other’s butts down by the river
the borogroves were drunkenly reminiscing about their childhoods
and the mome raths were screaming their faces off
(we live in a loud and inappropriate place
pretty sure it’s because we name our animals shit like “mome raths”)

then this old man was like:
“Son, it’s time I told you about the birds and the bees
the birds are called jub-jub birds
and the bees are not bees
they are an unstoppable hivemind called the Bandersnatch
which sneaks up behind you and grabs your taint
plus it’s frumious
which means it’s always angry and slightly on fire.
When these two creatures combine
they form a terrifying voltron known as THE JABBERWOCK(Y)
just stay the fuck out of the woods, basically
there’s no normal animals in there anyway
it’s all this nonsense shit.”

But this kid is immune to good advice
so he grabs an imaginary sword
and spends hours searching for this stanky-assed forest beast
until he gets tired
and decides to rest near one of those trees they use to make stomach medicine

He’s terrible at thinking though
one might even call him uffish
so he’s still thinking, when THE JABBERWOCK APPEARS
ITS EYES ARE ON FIRE
IT’S SWIFTER THAN A WHIFFLE BALL
(hurled by an expert at whiffle ball)
AND IT SOUNDS LIKE A CAULDRON FULL OF DRUNK FROGS

But see the reason this kid is so bad at thinking
is that he’s put all his imagination into making this sword
and that actually makes it a pretty good sword
other than it makes food noises when it kills things
and that’s exactly what it does
it takes that jabberwock’s uggulacious head straight off
and this kid is so hyped by his victory
he picks up that stangly head
and for the whole walk home
he pretends he’s a horse

then he gets home and his dad’s like:
“HOLY SHIT, YOU KILLED THAT?
YOU SMILE TOO MUCH AND I’M PRETTY SURE YOU’RE AN IDIOT
BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY YOU ARE A MAN NOW
LET’S GET SO DRUNK WE DON’T KNOW WHICH WORDS ARE REAL
AND THEN NAME SOME MORE ANIMALS.”

So yeah,
it was a pretty shitty day, weather-wise
and those filthy toves were playing grabass by the water
the borogroves were nostalgic
and the mome raths were hella loud.
Basically
nothing changed
except an extra thing was dead.

The moral of the story
is that violence doesn’t solve anything
but don’t tell your dad that
because you can still use it to trick him into loving you.

the end.

Killing Hunchbacks is Totally Fine

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So this whole time
while I’ve been telling you other stuff
and getting drunk and riding bikes and shit
this Scheherezade chick has NOT STOPPED TELLING STORIES
FOR REAL
Think of how many stories you would tell
if telling stories night after night was your only shot at survival
and then SEXTUPLE that number
because every character in every story Scheherezade tells
shares her pathological fixation on telling fucking stories
for real
it’s stories all the way down
more stories than two Shanghai Towers with a Burj Khalifa up their butt
what i am trying to convey to you with these words
is that this bitch tells her some TALES

But even Scheherezade gets tired of telling stories sometimes
actually especially her, because instead of sleeping she TELLS STORIES
so she asked me to fill in for her this week
and I cannot say no to a beautiful woman.
it is a problem.

SO THERE’S THIS HUNCHBACK
he is so drunk his blood is like 200% alcohol by volume
he is wandering around the street
banging his tambourine
being aggressively useless
because if there is one thing that sucks
it’s hunchbacks
(sorry hunchbacks, I have inherited Scheherezade’s somewhat insensitive attitude towards you
she is a clever lady
but she is not super enlightened
she is from the past)

Anyway this crook-spined bastard is making a racket outside this tailor’s shop
and the tailor is like oh boy
time to fuck with some hunchbacks
HEY BUDDY
WANNA COME OVER FOR FREE FOOD?
and the hunchback is like BLRUGHGHARHGH
I MEAN YES
THOSE PREVIOUS NOISES WERE JUST ME PURGING MY STOMACH
IN PREPARATION FOR RECEIVING YOUR FREE FOOD

so they have dinner
the tailor’s wife makes fish
but instead of observing traditional table etiquette
they stuff all the fish in the hunchback’s mouth
and then hold his mouth shut until he chokes to death
allegedly it was not their intention to make him die
but i’m not sure what else they were expecting to happen
either way he dies
and they’re like shit shit shit shit what do we do?
oh yeah
let’s frame a jewish guy

so they drag the body to this doctor’s office they know
and they tell his servant to go get the doctor because their friend is sick
and then they hide the body at the top of the doctor’s stairs and run away
the doctor comes SPRINTING out of his room
and kicks the carcass down the stairs
and then he’s like OH DANG
I JUST KICKED THAT DUDE DOWN THE STAIRS
THAT IS LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF PROPER DOCTORING
ONLY ONE THING TO DO:
FRAME A MUSLIM DUDE

so he and his wife drag the body onto the roof of the sultan’s secretary
and use a complex system of ropes and pulleys
to dangle their improvised corpse-puppet down inside the dude’s storeroom
which they happen to know has been getting pillaged by rats
and then the secretary comes home
goes into the storeroom
and is like AW HELL NO
I THOUGHT RATS WERE EATING MY FOOD
BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY A DEAD HUNCHBACK
ALLOW ME TO BEAT YOU WITH STICKS
OH SHIT YOU’RE DEAD
WHAT HAVE I DONE
…
TIME TO FRAME A CHRISTIAN DUDE

So he drags the body into the street and leaves it leaning against a wall
just outside this Christian dude’s house
and the next morning, the dude wakes up
hung over as hell
but it’s a Muslim holy day
so he doesn’t want anybody to see him hung over
and sentence him to death for it
(that’s a high-stakes hangover)
but he’s still a little fucked up from the night before
so he runs into the body
and the body falls on him
and he punches it in the face
and it falls over
and at first he’s like SHIT YEAH I’M A KUNG FU MASTER
but then he’s like OH NO THE POLICE
and the police are like OH YEAHHHHH

so they arrest him and take him to be executed
but right as they’re about to lop off his head
the sultan’s secretary runs up like NO NO NO KILL ME
I’M THE ONE WHO BEAT THE HUNCHBACK TO DEATH
and the executioner is like pfft, okay
but right as they’re about to lop off HIS head
the doctor runs up like NO NO NO KILL MEEEEEEEEE
I KICKED THAT DUDE DOWN SOME STAIRS
and the executioner is like sure whatever
as long as I get to kill somebody
BUT RIGHT AS THEY’RE ABOUT TO LOP OFF HIS HEAD
the tailor is suddenly overcome by guilt
and he runs up like GUYS GUYS GUYS
IF ANYBODY IS GOING TO BE KILLED
(and I sincerely hope nobody is going to be killed)
IT SHOULD TOTALLY BE ME
I “ACCIDENTALLY” FORCE-FED THIS GUY FISH UNTIL HE DIED
and the executioner is like well
as luck would have it
the punishment for that is also death

so the tailor is about to get killed
but it turns out the hunchback was the jester of some sultan
an that sultan suddenly gets curious what happened to his jester
and he finds out about this execution fiasco
and he’s like OMG LOL
THIS IS WAY FUNNIER THAN MY JESTER EVER WAS
BRING EVERYBODY TO MY HOUSE
WE GON PARTY
IT’S GONNA BE CRAY

so everyone goes over to the sultan’s house
dragging the body
and they all tell their stories again
plus the tailor tells a really long story about a barber
who happens to be in the neighborhood
so they bring the barber in
and the barber uses eldritch sorcery
(AKA the heimlich maneuver)
to bring the hunchback back to life
even though he’s been dead for a day and a half
because science!

so the moral of the story
is that killing people is okay
as long as it’s hilarious

the end

Cymbeline Should Not Be the Title of This Play

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So check it out:

once upon a time there is this this king called Cymbeline
he is the king of England
his name is stupid
and he has an EXTREMELY COMPLICATED FAMILY
let me break it down for you
his wife is dead
he has a new wife named Evil von Bitchtits
(actually Shakespeare doesn’t give her a name
but this one is pretty on point so don’t worry about it)
and Evil von Bitchtits has a shitty son named Clotten
meanwhile Cymbeline also has a real daughter named Innogen
which i think maybe is just a misspelling of Imogen
which is an actual name
then again that would be the only real name in this play so maybe not
especially considering that Cymbeline also has an ADOPTED son
whose name is POSTHUMUS LEONATUS
because his mom died in childbirth
and that is something that he will never be able to live down b/c it’s in his name
okay I think that about covers all the background
OH NO WAIT

so Evil Queen Lady wants Clotten to marry Innogen
because Innogen is heir to the throne
because Cymbeline’s two sons were stolen twenty years ago
and nobody knows what happened to them
WHICH I AM SURE WILL NOT BECOME RELEVANT LATER ON
but Innogen wants nothing to do with Clotten
because first of all Clotten is terrible
and second of all, Innogen is busy committing adopted incest with Posthumus Leonatus
and they’re gonna get married
but the king is like “AW HELL NO
I mean, Leonatus is nice and all
but he’s not really my son”
and Innogen is like “yeah dad that’s sort of the point
if he was actually your son it would be actual incest”
and the king is like “NAW YOU DON’T GET IT
LEONATUS IS POOR AS SHIT.
YOU AIN’T MARRYIN NO POOR DUDE”
and Innogen is like “Dad,
I’m your daughter which means I’ll be rich as fuck no matter what
and the dude you seem to want me to marry is Clotten
whose sole claim to fame is that he came out of your evil wife
who is only rich because she married YOU
SO I DON’T SEE HOW THAT’S ANY BETTER”
and Cymbeline is like “Well I can’t argue with that
so instead i’m gonna banish Leonatus.”

So Leonatus gets banished
but before he goes, Innogen gives him a diamond ring
and he gives her a golden bracelet
so when they get horny they can look at their jewelry and remember that they’re engaged or w/e
and then Leonatus goes to Rome and is sad

It turns out that rome is a terrible place full of terrible people
one of those people is named Iachimo
and ten minutes after meeting Leonatus, he’s like “YO MAN NICE RING
I BET YOU TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS I CAN FUCK THE GIRL WHO GAVE IT TO YOU”
and Leonatus is like “YOU’RE ON”
so Iachimo goes back to England like “Hey babe I have a letter from your fiancee
he’s in Rome being a drunk asshole
howsabout you ditch the boozer and get with the slimy dissembling bastard?
PS: SLIMY DISSEMBLING BASTARD IS WHAT I CALL MY PENIS”
and Innogen is like “Ew no. Go away.”
and Iachomo is like “HAHA JK THAT WAS A TEST AND YOU PASSED
but hey, can i store some of my junk in your room overnight?”
and Innogen is like “Sure ok.”

so Iachomo hides in a big box
and has his servants bring it into Innogen’s room
and then in the middle of the night, he jumps out and
…writes down a detailed description of everything in her room
what did you think he was going to do, you pervert
he also steals the bracelet Leonatus gave her
and spends a lot of time looking at her boobs
…so he can describe them to Leonatus.

Meanwhile the Evil Queen buys a bunch of rat poison from her doctor
promising to only use it on animals and definitely not people
but the doctor happens to know that she’s a fucking psychopath
so instead of giving her rat poison
he gives her that poison from Romeo and Juliet that makes you sleepy for a while
which she immediately turns around and gives to this dude Pisanio
who was Leonatus’s servant before Leonatus left
and is now Innogen’s servant.
she tells Pisanio that the poison is like Midol or something
and honestly I have no idea what her endgame is
but spoiler alert: It doesn’t work.

So Iachimo gets back to rome like “HAHA I BANGED INNOGEN
HERE’S WHAT HER ROOM LOOKS LIKE
HERE’S WHAT HER BOOBS LOOK LIKE
HERE’S HER BRACELET
HIGH FIVE”
and Leonatus is like “No
no high five
the lowest of fives, in fact
this five i am giving you
it is downright subterranean
because THAT’S WHERE I WANT INNOGEN TO BE”

So he sends a letter back to Pisanio like
Dear Pisanio
Innogen is a slutty slut and I need you to stab her
take her to wales and then stab her
here is a letter from me to her that will lure her to wales
love,
Crazyballs

And Pisanio gets this letter and he’s like “fuuuuuuuuuuuck
Hey Innogen, wanna go to Wales to see Leonatus?”
and Innogen is like “OMG YES I LOVE LEONATUS”
so they go to Wales
and then halfway there Pisanio is like “ok look
I’m actually supposed to be stabbing you right now
dunno why Leonatus wanted me to take you all the way out here but w/e
anyway I’m not gonna do it
I’ll just pull some snow white woodsman shit and let you go
meanwhile I think the best course of action
is for you to dress up as a man
and go to rome to spy on Leonatus
PS: I have this vial of untested mystery Midol
given to me by the totally scrupulous evil queen
why don’t you hold onto this in case of cramps or something”
and Innogen is like “Okay that sounds about as reasonable as the rest of this.”

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE CASTLE
Clotten is like “where the fuck is Innogen
where the fuck is Pisanio
Oh hey Pisanio
where Innogen at?”
and Pisanio is like “Uhh … I got a letter from Leonatus
it says she’s in wales?”
and Clotten is like “SWEET
here’s what I’m gonna do:
I’m gonna dress up like Leonatus
go to Wales
kill Leonatus
and then rely on Innogen’s complete lack of facial recognition
to get her to bang me”
and Pisanio is like “That sounds fucking amazing.”

MEANWHILE, IN WALES
Innogen runs into a group of outlaws
who just happen to be the king’s two long lost sons
PLUS THE DUDE WHO STOLE THEM WHEN HE WAS BANISHED
they think he’s their dad
it’s all super convenient
They’re like “Hey bro, what’s your name?”
and she’s like “Uhh … Fidele
it’s latin for ‘I’m totally a dude, trust me.'”
and they’re like “Yeah okay.”
and they all get along really well
until Innogen gets a visit from her aunt flo and decides to take the Midol
which knocks her out, obviously
and that’s exactly when Clotten decides to show up
and insult the fuck out of the outlaws
so one of them chops his head off with an axe because Clotten is a chump
and then they find Innogen’s apparently-dead body
and they’re like “AW JEEZE
NOW WE GOTTA BURY TWO BODIES”

Luckily they don’t bury them very deep
so when Innogen wakes up she looks over next to her
and there’s a headless body dressed in Leonatus’s clothes
and since there is conveniently no face to recognize
she’s like “OH NO LEONATUS DIED SOMEHOW”
and then the Roman Consul shows up like “Hey kid
you look pretty sad
why don’t you join my army so we can go fight England.”

Because oh yeah I forgot to tell you
England and Rome are at war now
because Evil Queenypants convinced Cymbeline to stop paying tribute
so now it’s stabbing time
and basically everybody in the whole play shows up:
Cymbeline, his two (secret) sons, their (not real) dad, and Leonatus (disguised as a peasant)
versus Iachomo (that lying seducer guy), Innogen (disguised as a dude) and the Roman Consul
so basically it’s a battle composed entirely of the most talented liars in two empires
but it turns out they are much better liars than soldiers
because nobody dies
Cymbeline almost gets captured, but his sons and their dad save him
and England ends up winning and capturing all the romans
who they intend to execute the next day

So Leonatus is in jail, feeling pretty shitty
when Zeus shows up like “Don’t worry dude
things may look bad right now
but soon you will be knee-deep in vagina
trust me, I know about this stuff.”
Then he flies off on an eagle
so that’s weird.

Next day, everybody gets together in the same room
to either be knighted or executed
and Cymbeline is like “Hey great job, mystery knights
can I do you any solids?”
and they’re like “Yeah could you not execute that dude Fidele
he’s sort of our bro”
and the king is like “Yeah sure.
Hey Fidele, can I do you any solids?”
and Fidele is like “Yeah
make Iachimo tell everybody how he got that bracelet and that ring”
so Iachimo spills the beans
which sets off a chain reaction
of TWENTY-SEVEN CONFESSIONS
through which the whole plot of the play basically gets told to us again.
Oh also the evil queen is dead
because she got sick for no reason
and it turns out she was planning to poison the king
which is weird because she gave all her poison to Pisanio
THE NUMBER ONE MOST TRUSTWORTHY DUDE IN THE PLAY

So everybody finally sees through everybody’s lies
the king gets his sons back
and he’s not worried about Innogen inheriting the kingdom anymore
so she can marry whoever the fuck she wants
and she decides to marry Leonatus
even though he tried to have her killed
and Cymbeline agrees to start paying tribute to Rome again
because he’s pardoned basically everybody else already so why the fuck not
then they all have a dance party

so the moral of the story
is that long distance relationships are hard.

The end.