Author Archives: Ovid

Alcibiades is Handsome as Hell

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Yes it is greek history time again
which means it is time to learn about assholes
or really, one asshole
generally when we talk about history
we tend to focus on one or two assholes at a time
(or else whole huge groups of assholes that run in packs
leaving great greasy black trails of shit all over everything
but that’s gross so today we’re only talking about one)

this asshole on which we are focusing today
is attached to a dude named Alcibiades
and he is objectively the HOTTEST DUDE TO EVER HAVE LIVED
he is so hot that people find themselves unable to call him on any of his bullshit
and my friends
Alcibiades is the source of a whole BARREL FULL of bullshit
a REALLY LARGE barrel
like REALLY LARGE
like … they don’t make barrels as large as the barrel i’m imagining here
so maybe barrel was the wrong word
maybe “vat” would be more appropriate
no actually
boat
a huge cruise-liner full of bullshit
floating on a gently rolling sea of bullshit
and then it rains and you discover that the clouds were also made of bullshit
and now it’s raining bullshit
it’s really unpleasant, is what I’m saying
it’s really unpleasant for anybody but Alcibiades

Seriously, dude can get away with anything
one time he gets invited to a party
and he doesn’t want to go
but then he gets drunk at home
and decides to crash the party
and have his servants straight up steal HALF THE SILVERWARE
and the host of the party is like HAHA THAT’S OKAY
HE’S ACTUALLY BEING REALLY CONSIDERATE BY NOT TAKING THE OTHER HALF
another time Alcibiades punches a famous dude in the face on a dare
and his only punishment is GETTING TO MARRY THAT DUDE’S DAUGHTER
who he impregnates
and then he demands more money from her father to support the baby
and then when his wife tries to divorce him for buying too many prostitutes
he literally picks her up and carries her to another city
and i guess keeps carrying her with him everywhere he goes until she dies
and nobody does anything about it because HE’S SO SEXY

but there is exactly one person who is willing to call bullshit
and that is the dude who is a bad enough dude to call bullshit on LIFE ITSELF
yeah babies
i’m talking about SOCRATES
I mean don’t get me wrong
Socrates is just as hypnotized by Alcibiades’ wang as everybody else
but he is also actively engaged in trying to make Alcibiades use his wang for good
rather than for dumb
basically Alcibiades is Dorian Gray
and Socrates is his Basil
and EVERY OTHER PERSON IN ATHENS is Henry

so naturally debauchery wins out
and Alcibiades does the only natural thing for jerks to do in athens:
he runs for office
and he wins
because
well
i’m not sure if I’ve said this yet
but he’s SUPER HOT
and then he immediately starts screwing things up for everyone including himself

you see, at this time in athens, Alcibiades is not the only popular dude
there are exactly two others
one of them is called Nicias, and Alcibiades cannot STAND him
cause Athens happens to be at war with Sparta at the time
which is not unusual because Sparta is basically at war with EVERYONE ALL THE TIME
(seriously i don’t get how greece is even a country)
and Nicias has been doing everything he can to stop the war
which Alcibiades thinks is lame because he fucking crazy

pretty soon Sparta sends a couple of diplomats to Athens
and these diplomats are actually special SUPER-diplomats
with the power to make whatever the hell deals they want
they’re there because Nicias told them to come there
so naturally Alcibiades has to fuck this all up

he calls the diplomats up and he’s like yo guys
i hear you wanna meet with the people of athens tomorrow
and make some sweet deals
my advice is don’t do that
the people of athens are all total assholes
and if you tell them you have any kind of decision-making power
they will destroy you like new prison ass
TRUST ME

so the next day the diplomats show up in front of everyone
and Alcibiades is like hey guys do you have the power to make deals?
and they’re like NOPE
and Alcibiades is like YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES
HOW DARE YOU COME HERE NOT BEING ABLE TO MAKE DEALS
NICIAS HOW DARE YOU BRING THESE NON-DEAL-MAKIN’ MOTHERFUCKERS UP IN HERE
and Nicias is like …?

so Athens gets to keep being at war with Sparta
and Alcibiades gets to be general, because it looks like he’s super keen on war
and he abuses this power by immediately hatching a plan to take over sicily
as part of a crazy Alexander-the-Great style plan to take over EVERYTHING
but nobody realizes how crazy the plan is because Alcibiades is SO SEXY

okay, that’s a lie
there are some people who are not dazzled by the light glistening off his pecs
and these people come up with a great scheme to destroy him:
see, apparently Alcibiades has been having the ancient greek equivalent
of some late-night Rocky Horror Picture Show screenings
where everyone dresses up as priests from one of the local temples
and then they all re-enact some sacred ritual or whatever
(wearing fishnets? I don’t know
I was trying to come up with a good metaphor, forgive me)
and at the same time as they’re doing this
some jerk is running around athens
chopping the dicks off of statues of hermes
and that wouldn’t be a big deal
greek statues don’t have very big dicks anyway
but the statues of hermes are LITERALLY NOTHING BUT A HEAD AND A DICK:

So all the devout hermes-worshippers
and super-lazy sculptors
are obviously really mad about this part
and since Alcibiades has to leave to help with this war he started
his enemies take the opportunity to get everyone REALLY MAD about this stuff
and vote to kill him when he comes home
so they send a boat to ask him to come home
and he’s like uh
naw
I think actually what I’m going to do is defect to sparta
peace

so he defects to sparta
and sets them up in a fort right outside Athens
then gets kicked out of sparta for fucking the king’s wife
and joins the persians
because really he isn’t ready to be a father

so as soon as he’s working for the persians he starts calling up Athens
(which is still fighting Sparta)
and he’s like yo guys
if you set up a new government and make me part of it
I’ll totally come back home and bring all these persian troops
which is total bullshit
but they set up the new government anyway
because it’s super unjust in a way that appeals to rich people
and then they bring Alcibiades back even though he can’t bring any Persian troops
…because he’s hot?

but it’s okay
he actually does a really good job for Athens in the war
mainly because he knows that if he goes back home without doing a good job
he’ll be killed for that weird religious stuff he did
and also the dick-chopping
(which i guess was also religious and weird
but it deserves its own category because i wanted to say dick-chopping again)

so he does all that good stuff and goes home
and he’s well-received and everything
but then he needs to go fight sparta again
and he loses somehow
so Athens fires him again
along with all its other good generals
which is a great strategy if your goal is to get conquered by sparta
which is pretty much what happens
and then meanwhile Alcibiades runs back to persia
and gets burned to death in his house by some Spartans
which means, yes
he finally died from being too hot.

so the moral of the story
is that honesty is the best policy
unless you’re sexy

the end.

The Thing at the Doorstep Would be a Good Porn Title

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Someone suggested I tell a myth about Shoggoths
and while Shoggoths are only tangentially involved in this story
I just said the word Shoggoth three times in three lines
and the funniest thing about Shoggoths is their name, so you’re welcome
(Shoggoth)

So
like all of lovecraft’s stories, this one begins with a disclaimer from the narrator:
DISCLAIMER:
EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THIS STORY IS MIND-SHATTERINGLY HORRIBLE
MY MIND IS SHATTERED
PROBABLY YOURS WILL BE TOO IF YOU READ THIS
SO UH
SORRY?

In fact the narrator (whose name is Dan, for what it’s worth)
has had his mind shattered to such a degree
that he just got home from shooting his best pal in the head SIX TIMES
his only regret?
THAT HE DID NOT ALSO SET THE BODY ON FIRE
so guys
this is your last chance
stop reading this story now
or else shoot your friends and maybe burn their bodies

yall still reading?
yeah
that’s because these disclaimers NEVER FUCKING WORK
SO ANYWAY

the friend that Dan just shot is named Edward
he’s eight years younger than Dan
and he’s been writing creepy-assed poetry since he was eight years old.
that was how old he was when he met Dan
who had such a DEEP NEED FOR CREEPY POETRY
that the two were bosom buddies from that point on
but there is a big difference between Ed and Dan
the difference is that while Dan is capable of doing normal people things
(going to school for architecture, getting married to a human, having human children)
Edward seems to only be capable of going to the local university
and reading creepy-assed books in the creepy-assed basement
he doesn’t even have any social skills to speak of
due to the fact that he spent basically 100% of his formative years with his mom
and thus never had to interact with any real people because moms don’t count
(sorry, mom)

but actually I exaggerated about the no social skills
it turns out Ed is just a late bloomer
about TWENTY YEARS late
as in, when he turns forty
(and his mom dies, which obviously does wonders for his social life
because moms are terrible and they will destroy you
{sorry mom})
he starts hanging out at the university
with the students
who are half his age.
I was about to say this was creepy behavior
but this is a guy who has lived and breathed creepy for forty-one years
and has a literature degree on top of that
so maybe it’s just performance art

except no
no it’s not
because Eddie falls genuinely, completely in love with this chick Asenath
who is clearly, irredeemably evil

first of all
her name
is ASENATH
when have you ever met someone named Asenath who wasn’t evil?
Come to think of it, when have you ever met someone named Asenath at all?
This should have immediately clued Edward in to the fact that he was in a Lovecraft story
which might have saved everyone a lot of trouble.

Second of all
her dad is (was, cuz he’s dead) a notorious wizard from a town nobody likes
(because this is new england and and wizards are lower-class)
and his mom was a mysterious lady who never took off her veil
which means she’s probably an evil fish person or something
or else just a practicing muslim
which is even worse if you’re in a lovecraft story

finally
(and this is just a minor detail)
Asenath has demonstrated a startling ability to SWITCH BODIES WITH PEOPLE FOR NO REASON
also she can call up thunderstorms and make dogs bark at will
plus she’s constantly complaining about how she doesn’t have a man’s brain
and if she had a man’s brain (with all the magical powers men’s brains apparently possess
like the ability to get boners for no fucking reason
and the loss of the ability to reason when boners)
she could be an even better wizard than her dad
so not only is she a witch
but she’s a fucking BIGOT
like okay, I get it
the end of witch-burning was a big step forward for new england as a whole
but some people are just begging to get set on fire

That’s not what Edward thinks, though
he thinks Asenath is THE BEE’S KNEES
and you know what, he’s right
she IS the bee’s knees
that is, she is the the seemingly innocuous mechanism that allows STINGING INSECTS to WALK AROUND ON YOUR SKIN

because, see, as soon as they’re married
(oh yeah, they got married
because duh, why not marry an evil hypnotist)
Edward starts spending a lot less time hanging with his friend Dan
and a lot more time driving randomly around the countryside
with a look of EXTREME CONFIDENCE ON HIS FACE
which is weird, because Ed never learned how to drive
but I guess they didn’t need driver’s licenses back in the day so it’s cool

So Dan, being a highly intelligent gentleman
immediately guesses what the problem is
clearly the problem is that Ed is overly sweet on his sinister honey
and forgotten the immutable code of bros before hos
BUT THAT IS WRONG
THAT IS NOT WHAT HAS HAPPENED
actually what has happened is that Asenath
(SERIOUSLY, THAT NAME)
has been using her aforementioned BODY-SWITCHING POWERS
to repeatedly take over his body
and then use his man-brain to go meet with SHOGGOTHS
(there, I told you there were shoggoths
oh what, you want to know what shoggoths are?
fine okay
shoggoths are basically the kool-aid man
except instead of a glass body full of fruit punch
they have a gelatinous body covered in thousands of temporary eyes
and instead of busting through the walls of your house
and providing you with aforementioned fruit punch
they bust through the walls of your DIMENSION
and provide you with LIMITLESS HORROR
the analogy is perfect)

but one day Asenath goes too far
and she loses control of Ed while he’s out in some horrible woods
and Dan has to go pick him up
and Ed is like DUDE
MY WIFE HAS BEEN USING MY BODY FOR EVIL
and Dan is like ha ha bro you don’t gotta tell me
I know all about the birds and the bees
and Ed is like NO DAN YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND
THAT BITCH IS THE BEE’S KNEES
and Dan is like haha i getcha I getcha
whatever you’re into
and Edward is like I AM NOT INTO THIS
I AM NOT INTO THIS AT ALLLLi mean hello Dan
it is I, Edward
definitely not Asenath controlling Edward’s body
pardon me while I steal your car and drive us back to my house
nothing to worry about
everything is normal
and Dan is like Phew
glad that everything is normal.

Dan
Dan, it’s me, the guy telling the story
everything is NOT normal, Dan
it is very obviously not normal
what’s it gonna take, buddy?
is Edward gonna have to murder his wife
and then bury her in the basement
and then go crazy so you have to put him in a mental hospital
and then get possessed by his now-dead wife
and trapped in his dead wife’s corpse
which he uses to dig himself out of the basement
call you on the phone unsuccessfully
and then write a long letter explaining all of this
and hand-deliver it to your door before collapsing in a pile of goo and organs?
IS THAT WHAT IT’S GONNA TAKE, DAN?
BECAUSE GOD HELP ME I WILL MAKE ALL OF THAT HAPPEN IF THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES

turns out that’s exactly what it takes
and when Dan finally gets over being fucking terrified by the oozy corpse letter
he does the only reasonable thing
which is to go to the mental hospital
and shoot Ed like six times
and then come back home and write this story
to explain what he did
and ask that the city please set ed’s body on fire
to keep Asenath’s spirit
(which is actually her dad’s evil ghost)
from possessing anybody else

then I guess Dan sends his letter to the Arkham Daily Herald or whatever
and H.P. Lovecraft steals it and makes it into an award-winning short story

so the moral of the story
is that it’s only okay to be sexist if you’re a witch
and even then you’ll probably get shot

the end.

Donkey Lettuce

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Man I love when I don’t have to change the titles of the myths i re-tell

so there’s a hunter
he’s clomping through the forest one day
when an old woman comes up to him like hey man
i’m real hungry
just tryna get a couple of dollars to go get a sammich or something
it’s not for booze I swear
and the hunter is like whatever
here’s all my money
you can spend it on booze, I don’t care
why are you trying to hit people up for money in this magical forest?
don’t you know there’s a perfectly good town like right over there?
and the old woman is like BECAUSE I AM A MAGIC HOBO
HEAR MY PROPHECY:
so a little ways further in the forest you’re gonna find a tree
and in the tree there will be a ton of birds
fighting over a cloak
what you need to do is shoot the birds
they will drop the cloak
and one will die
because
you know
bullets
you need to take the cloak, obviously
(it is a magic wishing cloak that makes you teleport)
but also
(and this is gonna sound a little crazy)
you also need to cut open the bird and swallow its heart whole
it will make gold coins appear under your pillow forever

in other words
this forest hobo is just like every other hobo the hunter has ever met
he just nods politely and excuses himself from the conversation as quickly as possible
but ten minutes later
GUESS WHAT??
BIRDS
FUCKIN’ MOUNTAINS OF EM
so the hunter is like ew
birds
(a totally appropriate response to birds)
and he shoots them
and they fly away, and drop a cloak
just like in zelda or something
and one bird dies
because
you know
BULLETS
and he is like fuck it
it’s already dead
might as well eat its heart
SO HE DOES

AND IT TURNS OUT THE WITCH WAS RIGHT
gold coins are showing up under this dude’s pillow every DAY
pretty soon he’s got a big pile of them
and he does what every young person with a stockpile of cash must one day do:
he moves out of his parents’ house and decides to backpack around europe

so he’s walking around
(not sure why he’s not teleporting around
seeing as he has a teleporting cloak
but as we will see
dude is none too bright)
and he’s in europe
AND this is a fairytale
which means castles are basically guaranteed to be EVERYWHERE all the time
so it’s all of ten minutes before he runs up on one
and there’s a hot chick in it
so he’s like SWEET

but remember, this is a fairytale
and one of the laws of fairytales
is that they must always maintain a 1 to 1 ratio
between hot chicks
and HORRIBLE WITCHES
this one happens to be hot chick’s mother
for double bad-times bonus
and she’s like hey
hot daughter
see that dude down there?
he’s got magic treasures
you gotta help me steal em with your feminine wiles
I used up all mine to get this castle
and the hot chick is like grr ok fine whatever MOM

so the hunter shows up
(notice i am still calling him a hunter
even though he is no longer hunting animals
or even in a forest
this is because he is now hunting the most dangerous game:
BOOTY)
and the lady is like hey man come inside
have this delicious food and also this syrup of ipecac
and the hunter is like Oh wow thanks so much pretty lady BLEEEEUUGGHHHHHHH
and he vomits all over the place
and since nobody seems to digest their food in fairytales
the bird’s heart is mixed in with all that vomit
and the dude passes out because of all the vomiting
and the witch picks up the heart and shoves it in her daughter’s face
like EAT THIS VOMITTY HEART
EAT IT EAT IT EAT IT
and the daughter is like ugh okay fine MOM

so now money is showing up under the girl’s pillow
but the hunter doesn’t even notice/care
because the girl’s bed is where he wants to be anyway
and meanwhile the witch is like okay
now we need to steal his cloak
and the daughter is like seriously?
we already took his vomitty bird heart
isn’t that enough?
and the witch is like NO

so long story short, the girl convinces the hunter to teleport her to DIAMOND MOUNTAIN
so they can go pick diamonds
but then she puts him to sleep or something
and steals his cloak and teleports home
LIKE A TOTAL TWANK

so the hunter wakes up
and some really stupid shit happens
the upshot of which is that he ends up getting carried to a vegetable garden by clouds
and he lands in the garden like aw damn
i just got MEGA jacked
and also I’m hungry
but there’s nothing to eat here
no meats or fruits
just some stupid VEGETABLES
but i mean if I have to choose between starving to death and eating vegetables
i guess i have to eat vegetables
I GUESS
(remember kids, eat your vegetables!
VEGETABLES:
better than starving!)

so he eats some lettuce
and WHAM
he turns into a donkey
which is a bummer
but since he’s already a donkey
and donkeys actually LIKE lettuce
he figures he’ll keep eating
and he eats until he finds a different kind of lettuce
which
BAM
turns him into a human again
so he’s like ho-ho-ho-holy shit
i have magic transmogrifying lettuce
I can make a fortune with this shit
hiding fugitives from the law
smuggling dope across the border inside of LITERAL COKE MULES
the possibilities are endless!
hmm
nope
gonna use it all on that witch and her mean daughter
(who i still want to bang actually)

so he stuffs his backpack full of salad
and goes back to the house
(in BLACKFACE, so they won’t recognize him)
and the witch is like who are you
and he’s like oh uh
I’M THE KING’S MESSENGER
YEAH
he sent me to find the world’s most delicious lettuce
and i found it
but i am worried that the hot sun will wilt its tender leaves
may I come in?
and the witch is like
only if you give me some lettuce
and the hunter is like
GLADLY

so he gives her the lettuce
and she goes to the kitchen to prepare it
and she can’t help trying some
and WHAM
she turns into a donkey
(I need a better sound effect for donkey transmogrification
but I can’t be bothered)
then the servant comes in and tries some lettuce
and KER-WHAM
she ALSO becomes donkified
then the hunter gives the lettuce to the daughter
and it turns out she’s immune to the donkey lettuce!
HAHA JUST KIDDING SHE TURNS INTO A DONKEY
then the hunter takes her and her household to a miller
who beats them every day until the witch dies

at this point the hunter feels a little bad
/still wants to bang that girl
so he has the miller bring the donkeys back
and he turns them back into humans
(especially the servant
who had NOTHING to do with this
and so got turned into a donkey and beaten with sticks
for like NO reason
oh well
i guess that’s what you get for working for witches)
and the daughter is like oh man thank you so much
I feel really bad about systematically screwing you over for profit
it was all my mom’s idea I swear
i actually love you a whole bunch
please don’t turn me into a donkey any more
i’ll do whatever you want
do you want your bird heart back?
look, i’ve got some ipecac right here
i’ll vomit it right up for you
right here in front of you

but the hunter is like no no no don’t worry about it
your fearful obedience is all the apology i require
anyway it doesn’t really matter which one of us has the bird heart
because we’re gonna get married
and thanks to our horrible system of laws, I will own you and all your money!
and so they get married
and the girl gets to keep wondering what freedom is like

so the moral of the story
is you should put EVERYTHING in your mouth
because it’s all magic
and if it’s bad magic
you can just keep putting stuff in your mouth until you find good magic
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

THE END.

Chauntecleer is Really Well Read For a Rooster

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So my dad
who is a professional story guy
is doing a send-up of the Canterbury Tales over at the Getty Museum in LA
if you live there you should go to it
but if you don’t
DON’T EVEN WORRY
I GOT THIS SHIT COVERED:

so it’s been a while since i talked about the Canterbury Tales
when we last left off
I think some farm guy got drunk
and told a story about people putting their tongues in each other’s buttholes
after that, some people got really offended
and their response was to tell some MORE stories
about even MORE tongues in even DIRTIER buttholes
until finally, the innkeeper
who, if you recall, is the dude who got everybody started telling stories to begin with
is like whoah whoah guys come on
we need to class up this pilgrimage a little
cause uh
christianity?
so lemme bring our next teller up to the mic
his name is daun Piers, and he is a MONK
not only that, he’s got MUSCLES
are you guys ready for this pilgrimage to get classy as fuck?
man I’m fuckin ready as shit
let’s do this

but PLOT TWIST
it turns out that “classy” is just another word for “boring”
(i thought we all knew this)
so the monk just drones on for like a billion millenia
about sadness and clouds and bad fortune and whatever
until everybody is like whoah dude
we wanted you to tone it down a little
but not to sub-audible levels
i mean if it weren’t for the dappled sunlight straight strobing off your oiled muscles
we would have fallen asleep HOURS ago
tell us a different story
something funny
maybe with some tongues and buttholes in it

and the monk is like
NO
ONLY SADNESS

so everybody is like ok then
new teller
SIR JOHN THE PRIEST
READY SET GO

so John may be a priest
but he knows how to read a crowd
he does not even try for that melancholy shit
he goes straight for a story he knows everyone will love
one with violence, treachery, and a huge cock

the cock’s name is Chauntecleer
he lives in a harem of seven hens
who are also, according to John, his sisters?
I mean okay, I guess this is mythology, so whatever
but they all straight up LOOK LIKE HIM
he’s boning his TWINS, pretty much
which is, you know, kind of my fantasy
but as I learned long ago
that does not make it healthy or okay

but leaving aside the rooster’s incestuous tendencies
he’s got one hen who he loves the most
her name is Pertelote
because this is Olde England
and they didn’t have TV so they had to give fucked up names to their animals
and Pertelote loves Chauntecleer the best as well
because it’s not like she has choices

so the two of them are sitting next to each other in the roost one night
when Chauntecleer wakes up like HOLY MOTHER OF GOD
I JUST HAD THE MOST HORRIBLE DREAM
A FOX ATE ME
and Pertelote is like aw hell no
If I wanted to sleep next to a pussy, there are six other perfectly good ones in here
I do not need you to be developing your own proprietary form of vagina up in here
here is a science fact:
dreams are bullshit
now take a chill pill
(and by chill pill she means laxative
seriously, that’s part of the OG text
I have no idea why
I guess people used to have to shit out their bad dreams in the olden days)
and get the fuck back to sleep

but Chauntecleer is not gonna take that kind of guff
guff is not a commodity valued by roosters
so he’s like BITCH
DREAMS ARE NOT BULLSHIT
Like, I read a book once
where this guy had a dream that his friend was gonna die
and then in the morning his friend was DEAD
and buried in POOP
(well played, Sir John
way to work poop into your story all sly
you truly are a man of god)
Then Chauntecleer cites like ten more stories
from the bible and the metamorphoses and whatever else he can think of
all of which have the same basic moral:
DREAMS ARE TERRIFYING AND YOU WILL DIE

and Pertelote is like
aw HELL no
you’re a ROOSTER, dude
what the fuck are you doing reading BOOKS?
are you telling me I’ve been hooking up with a pussy
who is ALSO A NERD??
UNACCEPTABLE
and Chauntecleer is like no wait baby it was all a joke haha
i am not afraid even a little bit at all
let us go into the yard and eat corn and frolic fearlessly
and Pertelote is like that’s more like it
come over here and put your tongue in my butthole

so they get it on
HARD
they actually have sex twenty times before sunrise
and by the time they’re done ruffling each other’s feathers
Chauntecleer has completely forgotten about his bad dream
because let’s be honest
if somebody was down to let me do them twenty times before the sun came up
I would probably lose my fear of death too

so he’s wandering around
in the stupid way roosters do
(god I hate roosters
did you know I used to have a rooster
one day I put some food in my hand and held it out to him
and he BIT MY FUCKING HAND
HE LITERALLY BIT THE HAND THAT FEEDS HIM
so i killed him and made him into tacos)
and there’s a fox hiding in the bushes nearby
and Chauntecleer spots him and is like OH SHIT
but the fox is like dude chill out
I too am a talking animal, and so you have nothing to fear
I’m just here because I wanna hear you sing, buddy
yeah see, I’m a friend of your dad’s
(^^A THING THAT CHILD MOLESTERS SAY^^)
and your dad used to come over all the time and sing for me
and it was so pants-shittingly beautiful
that I decided to track you down and hide near your house
in the hope that you would discover me and then i could ask you to sing
make sense?
and Chauntecleer is like OF COURSE IT MAKES SENSE
EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE WHEN IT TAKES THE FORM OF A COMPLIMENT DIRECTED AT ME
AHEM:
IS THIS THE REEEEEAL LIIIIIIFE
IS THIS JUST FAAAANTASY
CAUGHT IN A *gak* oh god

that last part is not a clever addition to Queen’s classic rock anthem
it is a thing Chauntecleer says because the fox has his mouth on Chauntecleer’s throat
and all the hens are going bonkers about it
and the lady whose farm it is comes outside
with all her weapons and shit
and the fox is like oh shit gotta go
and Chauntecleer
(who remember, is actually pretty well educated)
takes the opportunity to enact a brilliant scheme
he’s like What’s the matter, fox?
are you afraid of some hens and a lady farmer?
What are you, chicken?
Man, if I were you, you know what I’d do?
I’d turn around and I’d look them in their stupid female eyes and be like
“MY NAME IS FOX AND I DON’T GIVE NO FUX”
and the fox is like OH MY GOD THAT’S A BRILLIANT IDEA
but he has to open his mouth to say those things
so Chauntecleer escapes and flies up a tree

so now it’s the fox’s turn to be clever again
he looks up at Chauntecleer and he’s like aww dude
I understand why you might have freaked out just now
but i was only carrying you by the neck with my teeth
in order to bring you to my HOUSE so we could HANG OUT
and Chauntecleer is like dude
fool me once
shame on you
fool me twice
still shame on you
you’re an asshole
I don’t want to hang out with you
Then he goes home and bangs all the hens a hundred more times

So the moral of the story
is that it would be awesome if roosters could talk
then you could explain things to them
like morality and common sense
and how you shouldn’t fucking BITE SOMEONE’S HAND IF THEY’RE TRYING TO GIVE YOU FOOD
I mean WHAT THE HELL, RIGHT?
THAT’S LIKE THE CLASSIC EXAMPLE OF A THING YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO
AND IF MY ROOSTER HAD BEEN EVEN HALF AS LITERATE AS THIS MOTHERFUCKER
HE MIGHT HAVE KNOWN THAT SHIT

also rooster meat tastes like boiled ass.

the end.

Pisistratus is Smarter Than the Government

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So my best friend is a history teacher
and as he recently brought to my attention
it is entirely possible
that the reason that greek mythology is so exquisitely messed up
is that greek HISTORY is also just a big bucket full of live eels and crazyjuice
allow me to present to you yet another example of this:

So when we talk about Greece
what we’re actually talking about is a bunch of adjacent cities
that all happen to speak the same language
but all totally hate each other
sort of like a united states of america where every state is Texas
and inside each of these cities
there are a bunch of dudes
who all happen to speak the same language
but all totally hate each other
Sort of like Texas if every person in Texas was Texas

one of these cities is called Athens
you may remember it as the city largely responsible for beating off the Persians
(haha that could be interpreted sexually)
and Athens is also the city that usually has the most bling
and also the most government
which means that all of these Athenian citizens
(who, remember, fucking hate each other)
are busy trying to use the government as a money vacuum to get them all that money
some of them come up with pretty neat strategies
like this guy Pisistratus

So Pisistratus starts out as a general
in a war against another greek city, Megara
(what did I tell you about hating each other)
and he does a pretty good job in the war
which makes him kind of popular
but not quite “President of Athens” popular
so he pushes it a little further

see there’s three major political factions in Athens
there are the grain farmers who live in the plains
who are rich as fuck because the Megarans have been blocking the ports for a long time
and all anybody can eat is grain
then there are the people who live on the coast
who are pretty poor but they’re still okay because i guess they have fish or whatever
and then there are the hill people
who don’t have jack shit because they live in the hills and why would you do that

so naturally Pisistratus decides to make friends with the hill people
who are not only ridiculously poor
but are also the smallest and least influential faction
which sounds stupid
until you take into account that Pisistratus also has an alliance with the coastal people
who are lead by a dude named Megacles
and you can’t go wrong with an ally named Megacles

except even with the two factions combined, Pisistratus still doesn’t have enough dudes
so what he does
and this, my friends, is brilliant
is he stages an attempt on his OWN LIFE
uses that as grounds to get the Athenian government to give him bodyguards
and then uses those bodyguards TO TAKE OVER THE ATHENIAN GOVERNMENT
my friends
that would be like if you faked a heart attack
to get a Paramedic to give you nitroglycerin
and then you used that nitroglycerin to BLOW UP CONGRESS
it’s a DICK MOVE is what i’m saying.

but so now Pisistratus is Tyrant of Athens
(that is his actual official title
cause greeks don’t fuck around)
and he starts doing all the stuff you’d expect a tyrant to do
like funding the arts
and giving land and legal representation to the poor
and … what?
this dude just took over the government with swords
why is he being nice
Tyrants aren’t supposed to establish bands of traveling judges to settle disputes in the countryside
they’re supposed to establish bands of traveling kidnappers to draft young men and women into the tyrant’s personal blowjob brigade
they’re not supposed to commission the first ever definitive transcriptions of the Odyssey and Iliad
they’re supposed to commission the first ever transcription of “I am Great and my Nuts are Huge: The Pisistratus Story by Pisistratus”

an instant classic

What the hell is this guy doing
he knows he’s a tyrant, right?

so obviously Megacles is like what the fuck, man
i allied with you on the condition that you were gonna be a huge dick
this is unacceptable
so he turns around and allies with the plains-dwellers
and Pisistratus gets exiled
but WHATEVER
this is ancient Greece
dudes are gettin’ exiled all DAY
Pisistratus just sends a message to Megacles like dude
If you let me back into the city, I’ll bang your daughter
and Megacles is like SOLD
so Pisistratus returns to the city
but what he didn’t tell Megacles
is that he was planning on returning in a gold chariot
accompanied by a hot chick who he intends to pass off as ATHENA HERSELF
AND HE SUCCEEDS
AND EVERYONE IS LIKE HOLY SHIT, ATHENA IS SUPER INTO THIS DUDE
LET’S MAKE HIM OUR TYRANT AGAIN
AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS
GUYS
THIS IS LIKE IF AFTER BLOWING UP CONGRESS WITH NITROGLYCERIN
THEY SENT YOU TO GUANTANAMO BAY
BUT THEN YOU CAME BACK IN A STRETCH LIMO
ACCOMPANIED BY A HOBO YOU HAD PAID TO DRESS UP LIKE THE GHOST OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN
AND THEN YOU GOT TO BE PRESIDENT
GUYS
WHY DO I NOT LIVE IN ANCIENT GREECE

so anyway, Pisistratus goes back to being a suspiciously nice dude
but he makes one crucial mistake
the crucial mistake he makes is that he always uses protection when he bangs Megacles’ daughter
and Megacles is having none of that
he’s like PISISTRATUS
I NEED YOU TO PUT A BABY IN MY DAUGHTER
and Pisistratus is like HELL NO SHE UGLY
and Megacles is like GETTIN EXILED AGAIN BITCH
and Pisistratus is like aw noooooooo

but it’s okay
because while he’s exiled he just gets super rich
buys a big army
and takes over Athens FOR A THIRD TIME
it is said that only half of the army was actually necessary to take over the city
the other half was just the manpower required to widen the gates of Athens
to accommodate Pisistratus’s HUGE FUCKING TESTICLES

so at this point everyone is like fuck it
we can keep exiling this dude til the cows come home
(and there are a lot of cows in this country, let me tell you)
but he’s just gonna keep coming back and taking over the government
so maybe we should just go with it
and they do
and it’s pretty rad
until he dies and then someone assassinates one of his sons
and then his other son turns into a jerk
and then Athens has to go back to being a boring old democracy

so the moral of the story
is that if you pull off any crime three times in a row
it becomes legal

the end.

Priapus Has a Hard-on for EVERYBODY

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Guys
GUYS
(also ladies)
There is NO EXCUSE
for me not having told you about this guy already
I mean this is a website about mythology, ostensibly
but it is mainly a website about BONERS AND SWEARS AND HOUSES MADE OUT OF VAGINAS
so how, I ask you
have I managed to let three years pass by
without discussing the very dude
who stubborn, giant boners are NAMED AFTER
yes friends, I am talking about Priapus
the namesake of Priapism
which is a medical condition that either means you have a spinal injury
or that you took too much viagra
or that you really REALLY need to get laid.

This guy is a god

So Priapus’s parentage is sort of uncertain
(probably because no one was super keen on claiming responsibility
for three very solid feet of titanic toddler todger)
but the story I like best
is that Priapus is concieved when Aphrodite and Dionysis get bizzay
(because if she’s gonna cheat on her husband
it stands to reason she’s gonna cheat on the guy she’s cheating on her husband with too)
and meanwhile Aphrodite wins the beauty contest that starts off the Trojan war
which is super impressive cause she’s got a baby totally effing up her figure
but it’s also super unfortunate
because Hera decides that in addition to starting the TROJAN FUCKING WAR
she’s also going to curse Aphrodite’s baby with a monumental meat missile
plus a permanent erection
PLUS IMPOTENCE
CUE SAD TROMBONE

so Aphrodite somehow manages to eject baron von longschlong from her baby haven
and Zeus is like AW HELL NO
I WILL NOT ALLOW ANY MOTHERFUCKER UP HERE TO BE SLINGIN’ MORE SCHLONG THAN ME
I HAVE A SCHLONG MONOPOLY UP ON THIS MOUNTAIN
OH HEY THERE SUGARTITS
HOW ABOUT A GAME OF SCHLONG MONOPOLY
(he’s not talking to anyone in particular when he says that last part
he’s just sort of generally propositioning the whole entire world)

so Priapus has to go down to earth and be sad by himself with his huge dick
and some shepherds find him
and they’re like man
what the hell is this
i heard the shepherds in the bible get to see angels and the baby jesus and shit
and what do we get?
a big pile of sad wang
oh well
guess we better make it our god

so they start worshipping Priapus
and Priapus starts meeting other rustic gods
(rustic gods being a fancy term
for gods who live in the forest and get trashed all the time with shepherds)
like Pan and Silenus and whoever
and they’re having a party one night
and all the wood nymphs are invited
and one of them is this mind-shatteringly hot chick named Lotis
so Priapus sees Lotis
and he would have developed an immediate and incurable hard-on for her
if not for the perpetual and incurable hard-on he has for EVERYTHING EVER
but either way he likes her style
and he is interested in getting up on that

but here’s the problem
despite the dimensions of his genitals
and the fact that said genitals are CONSTANTLY EXPOSED AND READY TO GO
Priapus has like zero game
well okay
he has ONE game
but it’s not a good one
it goes like this:

step one
wait for Lotis to get drunk and pass out
step two
insert penis
step three
partially remove penis
step four
repeat steps two through four

so Lotis passes out
and priapus is getting ready to enact his frat-boy inspired plan
when all of a sudden Silenus’s ass just starts screaming its head off
(I guess “ass” in this case means donkey
but i think it’s just as likely/hilarious
to assume that Silenus started ripping totally inhumane farts in his sleep)
but either way, Lotis wakes up
weighed down by a family-size summer sausage of lust
and she’s like ew what the shit
and runs away
and priapus immediately loses his boner
even though he’s cursed to never have that happen
because shit is just too much.

So the moral of the story
is that it’s not the size that matters
it’s whether you try and have sex with people in their fucking sleep

the end.

The Infancy Gospel of Thomas is TOO HOT FOR THE BIBLE

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So first off, quick announcement:
A collection of rad and well-monied individuals
have purchased enough of my book
to convince me to do a SHIRTLESS MYTH VIDEO for yall
so that will begin on Wednesday
and it will be the Oresteia
If you want to queue up another video myth after this one
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO
(or if you don’t, click that link)

Anyway I’ve got a special treat for you today
it is called the Infancy Gospel of Thomas
and uh
it didn’t quite make it into the bible
now that I’ve read it, it’s easy to see why
it is because in this book
jesus comes off looking like King Asshole of the Fightin’ Assholes
lemme break it down for you:

So to start with, Jesus if 5 years old
5-year-old boys are automatically terrible people to begin with
they like to play this game called Punch Everyone
where no one wins and the rules are “Punch Everyone”
so now imagine you take a 5-year-old boy
and give him SUPERPOWERS
I have two words for you, my friends:
FUCK.

So one day Jesus is playing by the river with some pals
and he decides to SUBORN THE ENTIRE RIVER TO HIS WILL
he shapes it into like a weird sphere of pure water
which he uses to turn dirt into clay
and then he turns the clay into birds.
Oh, wow
this is actually pretty whimsical and cool
and not as bad as I made it sound at all

except that today is the sabbath
and you’re definitely not allowed to shape rivers with your mind on the Sabbath
God has already laid down all manner of crazy rules about that shit
so some of the kids go tell Joseph
(who is Jesus’s dad)
about what Jesus is doing
and Joseph runs down to the river like BOY
STOP USING MAGIC ON THE SABBATH DAY
GOD IS GONNA BE SUPER PISSED
and Jesus is like “fuck you you’re not my real dad”
and then the clay birds turn into real birds and fly away
and Joseph is like
…

This raises an interesting point
which is what a long-suffering sonofabitch Joseph is
he knows for a FACT that this kid is not his son
so either his wife cheated on him with superman
or his wife cheated on him with God
and either way he’s not no responsibility here
but he still sticks around
and assumes primary responsibility
for a five-year-old sociopath with superpowers
because, see, here’s what happens next:
some kid takes a stick and fucks up jesus’s water sphere
and jesus is like GET FUCKED
and the kid withers up and dies on the spot
and then pretty soon after that
Jesus is walking through town
and some kid bumps into his shoulder
and BAM
ANOTHER DEAD KID
GOD
HEY GOD, BUDDY
YOU DON’T GIVE POWER-WORD-KILL TO SOMEONE WITH NO CONCEPT OF RIGHT AND WRONG
I THOUGHT WE ALL KNEW THIS

so the kids’ parents are understandably pissed
and they go to Joseph like dude
you need to get your son to stop killing all our sons
and Joseph is like I KNOW

so Joseph goes to Jesus like Hey little buddy
you need to stop murdering children for no good reason
and Jesus is like okay
the children are all back alive now
but the people who told you to talk to me about killing children?
THEY’RE ALL BLIND NOW
SHABOOM

So then Joseph figures
that if his kid is old enough to strike people blind
he’s probably old enough to learn to read and write
so he sends him to school
but Jesus is just the biggest know-it-all in the class
and talks circles around the teacher
so much so that the teacher doesn’t even get past the letter “A”
before being like AUGH FUCK THIS
YOU KNOW WHAT DUDE?
YOU’RE JUST WAYYYY SMARTER THAN ME, OK?
I CAN’T FUCKING TEACH YOU SHIT
YOU WIN.

And Jesus thinks this is a pretty response i guess
because he un-blinds everybody he blinded

I’m gonna kind of skim over what happens next
because it all kind of amounts to the same thing
lotta people getting injured, and Jesus healing them without any problems
I guess because he’s starting to grow a conscience about all the kids he murdered.
I think my favorite one is the time where he’s playing on the roof
with a bunch of other kids
and one falls off and dies
because a roof is a dumb thing to play on
and the parents show up and are like JESUS
YOU MURDERED OUR KID, DIDN’T YOU
and Jesus is like nuh uh
and the parents are like JESUS
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF?
YOU ARE LIKE THAT
BUT WITH MURDER INSTEAD OF CRYING
AND CHILDREN INSTEAD OF WOLVES
And jesus is like okay I know how to settle this
hey dead dude:
did I murder you?
and the dead kid is like NOPE. I DIED OF BEING A DUMB-ASS KID.
I think the best part of this story
is it’s not explicitly stated that jesus brings the kid back to life
so I like to think he just talked to him and let him stay dead
like a jerk

So anyway
after a lot of healing wounds and suchlike
Jesus finally goes back to school
but he doesn’t go to learn
he goes to TEACH.
Before anyone can start talking about grammar or the alphabet or whatever
this six-year-old kid walks up to the front
and there’s a book there
but he’s just like fuck that
and starts saying whatever’s on his mind
and everybody’s like OH MY GOD SO WISE
so that’s when everybody gives up on trying to teach him

There’s other stuff that happens too
but by this point Jesus has stopped murdering kids
and he’s generally just sort of being a disaffected tween
who doesn’t tell his parents where he’s going
or when he’s gonna be home
and then they find him in a church or something
teaching priests and doctors about religion
and Mary’s like Jesus!
we were worried sick about you!
and Jesus is like whatever mom
I am actually objectively holier-than-thou
you don’t own me
and everyone is like YEP
IT’S TRUE
NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT THAT
BECAUSE IF WE TRY THEN HE WILL STRIKE US BLIND

So that’s the infancy gospel of thomas
it’s sort of a clusterfuck
but the moral is clear:
if you’re good enough at murdering people
you don’t ever need to learn how to read

THE END.