Author Archives: Ovid

Melkor Ruins the Party

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So Feanor is kicked out of Party City
and Melkor is on the run trying to avoid Tulkas
who, if you remember, is a dude whose SOLE PURPOSE is to kill Melkor
everything is sort of bad, and people are bummed
which is why Manwe decides to throw THE ULTIMATE PARTY
they have these parties every year actually
it’s like a harvest festival
Yavanna schedules it down to the minute with her forest magic
and everyone chows down and it’s awesome
but Manwe feels like this has been a particularly bad year
what with releasing the king of doom metal into the world
and banishing the raddest elf
so he decides that this year he is going to spare no expense
bustin’ out champange jacuzzis, cocaine snowglobes and solid gold meat
everyone is invited, and everyone is bound to have an awesome time
there is only one thing that might ruin the party
(well okay two things but we’ll get to the other one)
and that one thing is that even though all the elves are invited
and even though Feanor is REQUIRED BY LAW TO ATTEND
none of Feanor’s bros show up
Like, feanor does
but he totally underdresses
and Finwe, his dad, is like “I’m not coming to any more parties
until you let my son back in the kingdom”
this shit is so highschool, seriously

Meanwhile, Tulkas and co are trying to chase down Melkor
they figure he’ll probably go back to his old fortress in the north
but when they get there they realize they are super wrong
and no one thinks to check the south side
which is apprently Middle Earth’s hotbed of crime
because literally none of the cops (by which I mean Valar) pay attention to it

see, not only is Melkor down there
but there is also this chick Ungoliant
she was one of Melkor’s key people back in the day
but she got sick of playing second-fiddle
(or second axe or whatever)
and decided to pursue a solo career as a giant tarantula that eats light and shits darkness
So Melkor goes and hits her up like hey
wanna help me fuck everything up?
and she’s like I don’t know
what’s in it for me?
and he’s like If you do it then I’ll straight up give you anything you want
literally anything
(he is lying
lying is great)
and that’s a pretty good deal, so Ungoliant agrees
and she spins them a bodysuit made of jet black hatred
and that makes them invisible or something so then they just go walk to Valinor

okay so back at the party
shit is real awkward
no one’s really seen Feanor since he got banished
and he’s not really in a partying kind of mood
but Fingolfin is determined to put a good face on the situation
so he goes up to Feanor and he’s like dude
I’m sorry about taking you to court and whatnot
let’s be bros from now on
and Feanor is like okay sure, bros forever
and they hug it out
and then right at that EXACT MOMENT is when Melkor and Ungoliant get to Valinor
and they cut open the trees of light that Yavanna made
and Ungoliant sucks out all the light-juice
and gets wayyy fat and sassy
so fat and sassy that Melkor is actually kind of spooked
and then Ungoliant sucks all the water out of all the wells
and darkness spreads across the land and whatnot
and then they’re like okay fuck let’s hit the road before the cops get here
and Manwe is like guys I was just trying to have a party I mean shiiiiiiiit
(Manwe, I am beginning to realize, is not a very effective king)
then they send Orome and all the other murder guys to go try to chase down Melkor
and meanwhile someone still has to clean up after the party

so the moral of the story
is never have parties
they are a dangerous distraction

THE END

Robin Hood Wears Guy of Gisborne Like a Suit

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Today’s myth was recommended to me a LOOOONG time ago
the last time I did a myth about sherwood forest’s bastard-in-residence
so if you have recommended me something and I haven’t done it
probably i am not ignoring you
probably it is buried deep in the REQUESTS folder of my email
and i will get to it some day
(also it helps if you send me a link to a primary source along with your request
because i am a wee bit too busy to do exhaustive research
every time someone is like “hey do more Lithuanian myths”)

Okay so the story I am going to tell you today is this story.
Yeah take a nice long look at that link
does that make sense to you?
it shouldn’t
that’s not fucking english my friends
that is FUCKED english
and to make matters worse the editor keeps writing snarky shit in the footnotes
basically being like “this other historian added words to make this catastrophe more readable
but I took them all out because i enjoy causing pain.”
seriously why are people so concerned with keeping shit like this accurate?
like, let’s say you bought a really juicy steak in nineteen-fifty-five
that steak is not going to be nearly as delicious today as it was fifty-eight years ago
if you hang onto that exact same steak
no one is going to applaud you on your historical accuracy
you are going to need to buy a new steak my friends
you cannot just keep using the same steak forever
this is a thing you learn when you start to live on your own

anyway let me break this linguistic traffic-jam down for you:

so Robin Hood and Little John are walking through the forest
(oodalally oodalally golly what a day)
and Robin Hood is bitching about this dream he had
where he got his ass beat by some yeomen
which are more or less like medieval gangsters
(but only because basically everyone in medieval times was gangsters)
and Robin Hood is so pissed off about getting whupped in his dreams
that he is trying to get Little John to help him find the guys from his dream
so he can go whup their asses irl
and little john
being a sensible young giant forest gangster
is like “dude, that dream that you had?
THAT WAS A DREAM
YOU DREAMED IT
are we going to need to discuss what dreams are again Robin
because this shit is tiresome”
and robin is like fine let me put it another way
wanna wander around and beat the shit out of dudes?
and Little John is like YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

so pretty soon they see a dude leaning against a tree
this dude is also a yeoman
everyone is a yeoman
you can tell by all the weapons they are always carrying
and little John is like “oh shit a dude
here robin, wait here while i find out if he is a good dude or a bad dude”
and Robin Hood is like yo fuck that
i don’t wait in the forest while my homies check out weird dudes
man if I was not worried about damaging my bow
I would use it to smack the green off and then back onto you
and little john is like fine
if you’re gonna be like that
I’m gonna walk to Barnsdale
then he just straight leaves.

So I guess barnsdale isn’t that far off
Little John gets there
but when he gets there he sees two of his bros dead in the dirt
and the sherriff’s dudes are running through trying to kill even more bros
and little john is like I better shoot some dudes
to give the bros time to escape
but when he goes to shoot one of the dudes his bow fucking BREAKS IN HALF
(arrow still totally goes through a dude’s face though)
and then he gets arrested
and tied to a tree

so let’s leave Little John’s part of the story for a while
cause he’s tied to a tree and that’s boring
and Robin Hood is doing some EXCITING SHIT
specifically he is checking out this yeoman who is in his woods
he goes up to this guy like “hey guy who are you?”
and the guy is like HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?
I mean uh … I am but a humble woodsman
looking for robin hood
so I can…
be best friends with Robin Hood!
and Robin Hood is like “That sounds lame
let’s shoot arrows at stuff instead”

so they set up some targets and start firing competitively
and Robin Hood is like “Oh sorry guy
you seem to have dropped something
I believe it is your ass
here let me just hand that back to you.”
except he says it with his archery and not his words
like a REAL MAN

so after a couple of hours of having his own ass presented to him in various ways
this mysterious yeoman is like DUDE
YOU ARE A PRETTY GREAT ARROW GUY
POSSIBLY EVEN BETTER THAN ROBIN HOOD
okay wait hold on dude
you are in a forest
actively LOOKING FOR ROBIN HOOD
when suddenly a dude appears
DRESSED ENTIRELY IN GREEN
this dude flatly REFUSES TO TELL YOU HIS NAME
and then BESTS YOU AT ARCHERY
what are you looking for
a fucking nametag or something?
jesus

anyway the guy asks Robin Hood to tell his name
and Robin is like You show me yours and I’ll show you mine
and the guy is like Very well
my name is
GUY OF GISBORNE
and Robin Hood is like okay that explains some things
I’m robin hood
and Guy is like GREAT!
COMMENCE THE STABBING!

so they stab pretty good for a while
until Robin finally stabs a little better
then he does the only sensible thing
which is to strip naked
dress Guy in his clothes
and then steal guy’s clothes and go find the sheriff
because apparently robin hood has been talking to the narrator of this ballad
and he knows all about Little John’s fuck-up

so Robin goes to the Sheriff and he’s like hey man
i totally killed Robin Hood like you told me to
you can tell I’m the same person you hired because I am wearing the same clothes
and the Sheriff is like YES WELL DONE
HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU
and Robin Hood is like oh don’t worry about it dude
all I want is the privelege of killing Little John too
and the Sheriff is like SWEET, FREE MURDERS
so Robin Hood goes over to little john
and all the sheriff’s men are crowding around
so he’s like uhh
I’m not just a murder guy, you know
I’m also a priest
this guy is going to confess to me before I murder him, so stand back
and everybody stands back because christianity has some weird rules
and then robin frees little john and little john shoots the sheriff in the heart.

Okay so the moral of the story
is that dreams really are bullshit
because seriously
what did that have to do with the rest of the story

the end.

Feanor Invents Bling

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sup wednesday people
it has been brought to my attention
that I haven’t been tagging all of the silmarillion posts
WELL NOW THEY ARE ALL TAGGED
YOU CAN ALL CLIMB OFF YOUR HIGH HORSES NOW
seriously guys
you got to stop smoking out your fucking steeds already
it is a danger

okay so Feanor is born
and Melkor is out of jail
what could possibly go wrong?
EVERYTHING
ALL THE THINGS

to start with, Feanor makes a bunch of jewels called the Silmarils
YEAH THAT’S RIGHT GUYS
WE HAVE BEEN POWERING THROUGH THE SILMARILLION FOR LIKE 2 MONTHS NOW
AND THIS WHOLE TIME WE WERE JUST BUILDING UP TO THE FUCKING SILMARILS
and what are these silmarils everyone is so wild about?
just some INDESTRUCTABLE GEMS
infused with the LIGHT OF THE TREES OF VALINOR
that’s pretty rad
but like
i’m not sure what it means in practical terms
as far as I can tell these is just some pretty-ass gems
that are enchanted so that evil people cannot handle them
without their hands melting off

WHICH MAKES IT REALLY WEIRD THAT MELKOR WANTS THEM
i mean i guess his general MO is just “fuck shit up”
with no consideration as to personal gain
like he’s passed straight on through self-interest into the hatefuck zone
but still
dude’s a musician
a speed metal guitarist, if history is to be believed
dude needs his hands

so instead of just jacking these pretty gems
Melkor begins an incredibly sneaky PR campaign
cause oh shit i forgot to tell you some stuff

so remember I said Feanor’s mom used 3 dudeworths of energy to make Feanor
well apparently that kills you when you do that
so Finwe (Feanor’s dad) is suitably bummed about this
but he’s not a fucking priest
he gets married again pretty quick
and has more kids
and since Finwe is king of the elves
(or at least king of the Noldor
who are the only elves this story is really about from now on)
that means that his sons are elf princes
which means they are going to have to be dicks to each other

so Melkor wisely takes advantage of this
and starts wandering around the kingdom
paying all kinds of backhanded compliments to the Valar
and totally negging on them in all kinds of subtle ways
making everybody think the Valar brought the elves to Party Island
just to keep them from having an awesome time all over the rest of the world
and so they could make the elves their slaves
he even tells them about humans
even though he doesn’t really know much about humans
because during the whole creation song he was pretty focused on his own riffs
he’s basically just like DUDES
HUMANS ARE GOING TO SHOW UP ON EARTH
AND THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE ALL TYPE OF SWEET PARTIES WHERE YOU USED TO LIVE
AND THE VALAR ARE GOING TO LET THEM
CUZ HUMANS ARE EASIER TO MANIPULATE THAN ELVES
even though that’s total bullshit
humans take no guff from anyone

anyway the elves are starting to get all grumpy at the Valar
and so Melkor moves on to stage 2
he goes to Feanor and he’s like yo dude
I think the Valar are going to try and help your bro Fingolfin stage a coup
because Fingolfin has agreed to be pussywhipped by the Valar forever
and then he goes over to Fingolfin and he’s like BRO
you should watch out for Feanor, man
dude is a loose cannon
so suddenly these two powerful elf dudes are all suspicious of each other
and they start making weapons and shit
and hiding them
and walking around with shields on all the time
and everybody thinks they are the only ones who know about this
because melkor has been so crafty with all his lies
but except how does no one realize what’s up
when EVERYONE STARTS WEARING SHIELDS ALL THE TIME

well according to tolkien
it’s because liars are guaranteed success
like check it out, here’s what he actually says:
“He that sows lies in the end shall not lack of a harvest
and soon he may rest from toil indeed while others reap and sow in his stead”
dude
lying sounds AWESOME
i need to get on that shit

anyway everybody finally flies off the handle
and Fingolfin goes to Finwe’s house like Dude
Feanor is totally a loose cannon and he is totally trying to stir up rebellion
and then Feanor busts in like HEY FINWE I’M A LOOSE CANNON WATCH ME STAB AT MY BROTHER
so obviously finwe calls the cops
by which I mean the Valar
and they are like Feanor
what the fuck are you doing man
who told you we were trying to enslave all the elves?
and Feanor is like uh
Melkor?
and everyone is like OH SHIT WHAT A SURPRISE

So they send Tulkas off to go try to kill Melkor
but he turns into some clouds and flies away
and meanwhile they can’t have Feanor running around being a loose cannon
so they kick him off the force
by which I mean they kick him out of the city for 12 years
and he takes his seven sons and goes and chills out inside a mountain with his treasure
and Finwe comes too because he likes Feanor better than his other lame sons
and Melkor really wants those Silmarils so he goes over to Feanor’s place
and he’s like yoooo buddyyyy
sorry about the whole exile thing
I can totally help you get back to the mainland and shit
i mean it’s not like those shiny jewels of yours are safe here in Valar towne
and Feanor is like DON’T YOU FUCKING TALK ABOUT MY JEWELS
THEY ARE MY JEWELS AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT THEM
and he calls the cops (by which I mean the Valar)
but Melkor turns into more clouds and escapes before they can catch him
and he leaves Valinor and everything is real nice for a real long time

BUT OBVIOUSLY THAT IS NOT THE END
because shit ain’t terrible yet
but just as obviously it is the end for tonight
because I am sleepy

So the moral of the story
is that lying is great and has no consequences

the end.

Mary Magdalene is the Sexiest Apostle

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first off I wanna thank yall
for helping to make one of the most level-headed comment threads
ever to discuss sexism and cultural appropriation on the internet
good on ya

second of all i wanna thank yall
for making my book
ZEUS GRANTS STUPID WISHES
number twenty-two on Amazon’s Folklore and Mythology bestseller list
i would consider it a personal favor
if you guys could keep buying it
until it outranks at least one joseph campbell book

THIRD OF ALL
IT IS SAINT PATRICK’S DAY
AND I HAVE BRIEFLY EMERGED
FROM BENEATH A ROILING SEA OF GREENISH INTOXICANTS
TO TELL TO YOU A MYTH FOR YOU

so last year around this time I told y’all about saint patrick
and it would be pretty lame for me to try and tell the same myth twice
but it’s still saint patrick’s day
and i’m still irish
so I’m going to tell you about a different saint
MARY MOTHER O’ JESUS
wait shit wrong mary
I meant MARY MAGDELENE

so mary starts out life with all the hookups
her dad is basically like maximum rich
and when he dies she gets a whole sweet castle to herself
and her brother Lazarus gets like a good chunk of jerusalem
and her sister Martha gets some other shit
plus
Mary is married to this dude John the Evangelist
except when she marries him he is not an evangelist
she has better taste than that
but then this dude named Jesus comes along and he’s like hey john
ditch your wife and come hang with me
you’ll get to be a saint it will be RADDDDDDD

so John ditches Mary
and Mary is like ok then
it’s motherfuckin’ booze time

yes
for several years following her abrupt nonconsensual divorce
“Mary gave herself to all delights of the body”
which means that for several years
Castle Magdelene was basically the castle from The Rocky Horror Picture Show
except instead of blasting off into space after everyone gets shot with rayguns
it just stays RIGHT THE FUCK ON EARTH
and the party NEVER STOPS
and the whole time
mary’s sister Martha is being a good sister and managing her finances for her
so basically Mary’s life is 100% the ultimate best life

except I guess Mary doesn’t think so
cause she sells all her shit
and goes over to Jesus like hey bro
i have been getting fucked from all of the best possible angles for like 5 years
ever since you took away my lameass husband
but you know what sounds good right about now?
a life of chaste poverty
here
let me prove it to you by crying all over your feet

so she cries all over Jesus’s feet
she motorboats those feat with her tears
then she dries off the feet with her hair
then she feels kind of bad for just having like cried all over a dude’s feet
and then rubbing her hair all over those very same feet
so she tries to salvage the situation by rubbing some scented oils on that shit

and everyone is like what the fuck is going on
why is this slut getting all handsy with the feet of our god
but jesus is like guys
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
can’t you see that this chick is totally smokin’
I spend all day every day hanging out with TWELVE DUDES
while we discuss religion and shit
Apostles I Beseech Thee
Do Not Block Thy Savior’s Cock

cause here’s the thing about jesus
i don’t know if you’ve noticed
but I don’t think jesus was as down on sexytimes as people say
let’s look at facts
FACT: Jesus is a dude who will beat the shit out of you with ropes
if you try and loan some money inside a temple
but will stop a crowd of dudes from throwing rocks at a prostitute
this is because jesus understands
that people have groins as well as souls
and sometimes they need to rub those groins on other groins and that’s okay
THAT MY FRIENDS IS THE REAL GOOD NEWS

so Mary and Jesus bone
like a lot
ahem I’m sorry I mean Jesus ” mbraced her all in his love,
and made her right familiar with him.”
the sex thing is not explicity in the Golden Legend
but it’s totally in the Da Vinci code which is just as good.

anyway they hang out like all the time
and he brings her bro Lazarus back from the dead
(cause oh yeah that dude died)
and she’s the first person Jesus visits when HE comes back from the dead
and then she gets on a boat with some other holy dudes
almost all of whom have names that start with M
and they go to FRANCE

but here’s the problem with france
and it is a problem I have personal experience with:
people can be dicks in france
in fact no one in Marseilles will give this band of prophets a place to sleep
so they end up squatting under a porch that is attached to a temple

this turns out pretty well for them though
cause then when pagans come to worship at the temple
they can jump out from under the porch like SURPRISE GOSPELS
and they convert everyone and it’s awesome
and then this prince is sacrificing to all type of idols
to make his wife get preggo
and Mary busts into the wife’s room in the middle of the night
like BITCH DON’T BE PRAYIN TO NO PAGANS
and the wife tells the prince about that shit
and the prince is like okay fine well then make God impregnate my wife
and SHE DOES
(or maybe she just teaches them how to have sex the right way
she is after all a lady who knows how to sex)
and the prince and the princess are like oh shit
maybe there is something to this christianity business after all
but JUST TO MAKE SURE
let’s go on a long and dangerous boat ride to go hit up Saint Peter

so they get on a boat
and there’s a big storm and the wife dies during childbirth
and it’s only dudes on the ship and none of them have boobs
so they’re like what the fuck this baby is totally gonna starve
and the boat guys are gonna throw the wife overboard
but then they see an island with a mountain
and they’re like okay I guess we can just ditch her up on top of that mountain
along with the baby that’s gonna starve
so they do that and they go see saint peter
and nothing happens there because WHY DID THEY GO SEE SAINT PETER

so on the way back
TWO YEARS LATER
everyone’s pretty bummed
and they decide to stop over at corpse island
and holy shit there’s a kid there
running around on the beach totally not starved
and when he sees all the dudes he freaks out
and goes up on top of the mountain
and starts sucking dead mom tit
okay I’m no pediatrician
but i don’t think two-year-olds are supposed to breastfeed?
and even if they are I don’t think they should do it FROM CORPSES?!
but then the prince is like Hey Mary Magdelene
i like how you made my son not die
could you also do that with my wife?
and Mary is like yeah sure
and then the wife comes back to life
and everyone is christian as fuck forever
because that’s a pretty heavy experience to go through as a family

so after that Mary feels pretty good about her accomplishments
and decides to go starve her ass off in the desert
i don’t know why the fuck christianity is all about this starving your ass off business
when Buddha decides to attain enlightenment he gets to do it under a nice tree
next to a nice river
beset by the nice nice thousand armies of hell or whatever
but anyway Mary is there for a whole mess of years in that desert
even more years than she spent getting laid back in the day
and then some priest comes along and sees her getting carried around by angels and shit
and he goes over to her like yo
and she’s like hey give me some clothes dude
and he’s like aw man no more boob-lookin-at for me
but he gives her some clothes and they go to a church and then she dies

a bunch of other miracles happen too but fuck that shit I’m tired

so the moral of the story
is that you should get all your sex out of the way before joining the cloth
cause then you won’t be as tempted to pee on children
seriously how uncreative do you have to be
to get off on PEEING ON CHILDREN
there are hundreds of real, awesome things you can do with TOTALLY CONSENTING ADULTS
almost all of which are NOT PEE-RELATED
look
all i’m saying is
Mary Magdelene spent like her whole life getting called a slut
and yet she never peed on anybody’s kids
and she had magic powers that let her raise the dead
the roman catholic church has really gone downhill

THE END

Melkor is Way Too Convincing

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WELL WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT
IT’S WEDNESDAY AGAIN ALREADY

in another time/place
wednesday would have been a day for thinking and talking about Odin
but the time is today
and the place is the motherfucking internet
so instead we will be discussing a best-selling fantasy kingdom
invented by a professional pothead
HOW AM I DOING TOLKIEN ARE YOU ROLLING IN YOUR GRAVE YET?
LET ME KNOW OK I’M ON TWITTER

so all the elves are chilling in Valinor
I told you about this already
I think I also told you about the big cheese in elf-land
the one named Finwe
but I definitely didn’t tell you about his son
so here goes:

Finwe is married to this chick Miriel
Miriel is awesome
she has this magical power
where she can get pregnant
(no that’s not the magical power guys
i’m not finished with my sentence yet
i know I don’t use a lot of punctuation
and i know childbirth is magical like friendship and the moon and shit
but Miriel is legit magical
like for real
and I don’t want you bringing this story down with your fucking assumptions
oh shit this parenthetical kinda got away from me lemme start over)
basically what Miriel does is she gets pregnant
and then she takes all the womb-power you would normally use for three kids
and she uses it all on ONE KID
and what’s even more amazing
is that the kid that comes hurtling out of her stomach cavity doesn’t even have like
three heads or eighteen thumbs or some nonsense
he’s just a normal dude
(i mean elf)
who is as badass as THREE DUDES
(elves)
His name is Curufinwe
but that is too much even for Tolkein
so he gets renamed to Feanor pretty quick

Feanor is probably the most awesome dude we’ve met so far
he pretty much spends all his time
either exploring the countryside from coast to coast or inventing telescopes
which basically makes him like a combination of Lewis and Clark plus Galileo
NONE OF WHOM WERE VERY GOOD HUSBANDS AS FAR AS I KNOW
which is why when Feanor gets married
to the unfortunately named Nerdanel
it takes all of fifteen minutes for her to get sick of his wild ways
and for them to become estranged
actually I exaggerated
it probably takes more than 15 minutes
it takes however long it takes to have seven kids
because that’s how many kids they have
so I guess they get along okay
but basically the problem is that Nerdanel is really chill
and Feanor is about as chill as a bottle of beer at the center of the sun
he’s hot-headed, basically
and that is why he has a DARK FATE

but we’ll talk about feanor’s dark fate later
right now let’s talk about the dark fate OF THE ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD
aka Melkor
remember how I said Melkor came up for parole in three ages?
Well no one remembers how long an age is, but they figure it’s been long enough
so they drag him out of the pit of despair and they’re like hey
give us one good reason not to put you back in the pit of despair
and he’s like BECAUSE I’M TOTALLY A GOOD GUY NOW
and Manwe is like OH MY
HOW TRUSTWORTHY YOU HAVE BECOME IN YOUR CAPTIVITY
HERE, HAVE FREEDOM
so the Valar put Melkor under house arrest basically
and he behaves himself SO WELL
giving everyone presents and relationship advice and shit
that they finally decide to release him completely

of course he’s still an asshole
we’ve been hearing about what a perpetual asshole he is for like a hundred pages now
but they’ve got to release him you see
because otherwise there would not be a book

what does this have to do with Feanor, you ask?
Well, not much honestly
mainly they’re just in the same chapter
but one thing that is important
is that later on
when all the bad stuff happens that I’m going to tell you about later
Melkor is like “Guys, I totally taught Feanor all his cool shit
he totally ripped off all my cool ideas”
but everyone knows he’s full of shit
because out of everyone who hates Melkor
Feanor is the hateiest
and like I kinda already said
and like you will see later on
he is a dude who is good at hate

so I guess the moral of the story
is that you need to not release pyromaniacal sociopaths
based solely on their own testimony
because pyromaniacs are very convincing people, my friends
convincing, handsome people
hey does anyone have a house they’re not really using?
no reason.

The end.

The Daughter of the Sun is HOT

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Sup guys

Haven’t done a native american myth in a while
and this one comes with a rather lengthy introduction
so if you want to you can click here to skip to the story
anyway:

I have been thinking today
(I have done other things besides thinking, just to be clear
I have eaten food and taken dumps and stuff)
I have been thinking because this very insightful lady
posted a very insightful review of this website you are reading
and one of the critiques levied in this review
is that my mythology site
telling the myths I tell, in the particular way I tell them
runs the risk of cultural appropriation
(because I do things like lump all of africa into a single category
and call the lord of the chinese underworld “Chinese Satan.)
and also that I have an unfortunate tendency to slut-shame

Okay so
I’m a middle class cis white dude living in america
I am speedrunning life on basically the lowest difficulty setting there is
and with that difficulty setting comes the power
to offend a billion different kinds of people in a billion different unintentional ways
I mean shit
I didn’t even know what “slut-shaming” meant until a couple months ago
I could pretty much spend my whole life being a total dick and NEVER KNOW
if I didn’t have the internet

The point being
that I know there is this idea in humor
where if a joke offends you you should suck it up because fuck you
but you/I need to face the possibility
that I may be offending you because I have NO IDEA I’M BEING OFFENSIVE
I NEED TO BE TOLD
I am acting in good faith here
I like to think I have gotten more judicious with my words
and that I’m helping to spread knowledge and good times
and not prejudice and bullshit
so I really appreciate
when people let me know where my problems are at.

ANYWAY HERE’S A STORY ABOUT FRIENDZONE BOOBS

this story comes courtesy of the Tlingit people of the Pacific Northwest
mostly they hang out in Alaska
but not on reservations like most of the native dudes we fucked over
these dudes are majority shareholders in a corporation called Sealaska
with its tendrils all up in the lumber and injection-molded plastics businesses
and this corporation has purchased huge tracts of land for these dudes to live on

yeah i know
it sort of sounds like a sci-fi plot to me too
but this is what happens when you have a whole secret other america
populated by dudes and ladies who have spent LITERAL GENERATIONS
figuring out lifehacks for not getting totally buried under guns and hamburger wrappers
AND DESPITE THAT MONUMENAL TASK
these dudes have still found time to tell them some stories
so without further ado
ladies and gentlemen
I give you
the one and only
story by the Tlingit people of the Pacific northwest
entitled
summarily
…

THE DAUGHTER OF THE SUN
SHIT YEAH

oh man sorry guys
I am going to have to tease all your cocks a little more
because the daughter of the sun doesn’t show up until the end of the story
and right now we are at the beginning
and at the beginning everybody sucks.

There’s this dude Sun Cloud
he has a cousin named Snow Flower
and being that this is a myth
he is of course all over that shit like zeus on cows
or cows on cows
or cows on your wife
but enough about cows

the problem for Sun Cloud is that Snow Flower is an even bigger cocktease than I am
I do not say this lightly my friends
I am like a fucking snakecharmer for cock
but this girl teases cock like a gradeschool bully in a men’s locker room
Sun Cloud’s all like “Hey girl wanna catch a movie?”
And Snow Flower’s like “Only if you do a million pushups and punch a bear in the nuts”
and then he goes and does those things
and comes back all sweaty and mutilated like “Okay, tits please”
and she’s just like “Hm.
Nah.”

So naturally Sun Cloud gets a little peeved
and the next time Snow Flower tells him to go out and do some ridiculous shit
he’s like “Look
I totally see what you’re doing and it is not going to fly”
and Snow Flower is like “Aw but if you just do one more thing I’ll totes slip you some tongue”
and Sun Cloud is like “OKAY SOUNDS PLAUSIBLE
WHAT SHALL I DO?”
and she’s like “Just get your hair cut, that’s all”
and Sun Cloud is like “Holy shit, that’s all?”

But then he remembers
that in his village
the only people with short hair are the SLAVES
and facial recognition is nobody’s strong suit
so naturally Sun Cloud is faced with a quandary
make himself indistinguishable from a SLAVE
or give up on trying to bone his cousin

…GUESS WHICH ONE HE CHOOSES
and the kicker is that he goes back over to her place
like “Hey I got rid of all my hair
so now it won’t get tangled in our mouths when we smooch
your hair will still probably do that though
so like, tie it back maybe?”
and Snow Flower is like “I AIN’T TYIN’ BACK SHIT
AND YOU BEST STEP BACK
CAUSE AIN’T NO WAY I’M HOOKING UP WITH A SLAVE”
so that’s a pretty decisive “no,” i think.

Obviously this does not make Sun Cloud happy
so he’s moping his way back home
when an old woman pops out of her house like DUDE
WHY YOU LOOK SO SAD
and he tells her EVERYTHING
LITERALLY EVERYTHING I JUST TOLD YOU
minus a lot of the swears
and most of the good similes
and that long preamble at the beginning
but like, all the important parts
and the old woman is like CONGRATULATIONS
BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T LEAVE ANYTHING OUT OF YOUR STORY
YOU GET TO MARRY THE DAUGHTER OF THE SUN
SHE’S STRAIGHT DOWN THAT ROAD OVER THERE, AT THE TOP OF THAT MOUNTAIN
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PICK THE RIGHT ONE
so of course Sun Cloud believes her
because remember
this is the dude who believed his untouchable cousin would marry him
if he just punched enough bears and got a haircut

So he follows the road
and he stops at the bottom of the mountain and he’s like man
I’m too scared to climb this mountain
but then he remembers that at the top of the mountain there are boobies
so he SUCKS IT UP
and at the top the gods are like CONGRATULATIONS SUN CLOUD
YOU HAVE REACHED THE TOP OF HOT CHICK MOUNTAIN
NOW IT’S TIME TO PLAY EVERYONE’S FAVORITE GAME:
WHICH OF THESE HOT CHICKS IS THE DAUGHTER OF THE SUN?
And there’s three hot chicks
so of course Sun Cloud picks the third one
because that’s how stories work
and he’s totally right and she’s like the sexiest ever
but also she’s just sort of a good person
and that is a rare thing in this world my friends
so Sun Cloud counts himself lucky to have found her
and meanwhile time passes and Snow Flower’s boobs get all saggy
and she doesn’t really have much else going for her so she dies cold and alone
while Sun Cloud and Sun Lady get to be president or something

So the moral of the story
is I know we’ve all done our time in the friendzone
believing with all of our shriveled black hearts
that if we just act real nice and bring lots of presents
we will eventually get to come out of the friend zone
and into what I like to call THE SEX ZONE
but that’s unrealistic guys, that just doesn’t happen
what DOES happen
is you tell your problems to a crazy old woman
and then you get to marry the SUN

the end

The Elves Are Not Masters of Logistics

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SO WHEN LAST WE LEFT OUR HEROES
(and by heroes I mean elves
who are like the least heroic type of fantasy humanoid
seriously I’m trying to think of ONE TIME
when elves are something other than supporting characters
in someone else’s rad adventure)
they all got invited to a party in orgyland
and they were repeatedly fucking up trying to get there
dudes were all wandering off
or getting lost
getting eaten by wolves
or just saying “fuck it” cause of too many mountains
but eventually they get to Valinor!

…I mean some of them do
Like I said there’s basically three kinds of elves
the high elves make it to Valinor just fine
and so do the deep elves
but the swimmy elves…
well…

okay so there’s this guy Elwe
he’s the king of the Teleri, aka the swimmy elves
and all the elves (high, deep, swimmy) are chilling on the beach
waiting for Ulmo to haul over a gigantic island
to use as a boat
to cruise to Valinor
so there’s some time to kill, obviously
and Elwe is fucking slaughtering it
by wandering around in the nearby forest

this is fine
this is what elves are supposed to do

here’s where shit goes south, though
(or rather, where shit fails to go north)
because Elwe is wandering the woods one day
when he runs across
a b-b-b-b-b-b-b-BABE
I am not talking about a babe: pig in the city type of babe
or a from-the-mouths-of-babes type of babe
(although she does have a pretty mouth)
this is a ten point
double-d
triple-a
36-24-36
HOT-TAY
she has all the best numbers you can have as a woman is what I’m saying
and not only that
but this babe in the woods has her some PIPES
she is singing so good
Elwe isn’t sure for a second whether he should start making out with her
because then she might have to stop singing
but then he figures she can probably just hum
and that’s good enough

so they start mackin’
and they DO NOT STOP
they continue macking FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR
meanwhile Ulmo shows up at the beach with that island cruise boat
and everybody gets on
except the swimmy elves
cause they kinda don’t know where their king is
so they don’t want to leave without him
he hasn’t called or emailed or anything
he’s being a really terrible king if you think about it
but the High elves and the Deep elves really can’t wait to get to orgyland
so they leave on the island boat and the swimmy elves stay behind
and a couple months later Elwe walks out of the woods
flanked by this smokin’ goddess Melian and afterglowing like crazy
and everyone is like DUDE WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
and he’s like
BALLIN’
and they totally understand

which is great, but now they’re stuck on the beach
it’s not that bad though, cause it’s a beach
and this dude Osse shows up and teaches them all kinds of cool shit
and in fact when Ulmo finally comes back with the island boat
they kinda don’t want to leave
and some of them stay behind
and the rest of them end up anchoring the island boat way off the coast of Valinor
so they can keep chilling with Osse, who is apparently tight
but eventually they miss their bros and move to Valinor
just in time for the Deep elves to get bored of Valinor
and go back to middle earth

so the moral of the story
is if you are moving your entire race all the way across the known world
invest in some fucking cell phones

THE END.

Bodies are Gross

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So some lady named Mandar Sharkfist accused me of not having any Aesop’s fables
And while that is a total lie
she did link me to a really good one
so that’s what I’m doing today.

So there’s this complaining sack of organs, right?
All your favorite organs are there
there’s hands and teeth and brain and belly
even your old pal scrotum
it is a party my friends let me tell you
it is a very particular kind of party
the kind of party that is called
BEING A FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BODY

but not too functional my friends
oh no no no NO
because much like our old friends the mouse the bird and the sausage
these squishy giblets are suffering from LOW JOB SATISFACTION
everyone is like what the fuck
we have to work our fingers to the bone
or our livers to the bone
or our boners to the um
and meanwhile belly gets to hang out down there
eating all the delicious food and not boning ANYTHING
THIS MUST BE STOPPED
so all these dumb fleshy problem machines decide to fix this
with the magic of collective bargaining

so first the hands stop grabbing food
which means the teeth have nothing to chew
and the scrotum just keeps right on truckin
because there is no way for a scrotum to be more of a nuisance to the body
beyond just continuing to be a functioning scrotum.
basically it all adds up to one comatose body
with an admirably supple ballsack

so yeah, everyone dies
because it turns out you need food to live
and everyone was so focused on fucking over belly
that they forgot to not be stupid
which might not have been helped by the fact that brain went on strike too
then the whole body rots away
or maybe ends up in the belly of something less dumb
and the whole time no one considered going on strike against tongue
even though it gets to taste food AND touch vaginas

so the moral of the story
is that unions are doomed.

THE END.

The War Against Melkor is a Lot Like World War Two

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Yes friends, it is silmarillion time again
I am running out of space in my brain for all these names
yesterday I tried to order tea at a coffee shop
and ended up asking for a double Elothlulien with extra Llalloc and a B’bjrggk
It’s been a tough week is what I’m saying
ANYWAY:

When last we left our heroes they were chilling in this sweet kingdom they made
as far away as divinely possible
from the firey hatefuck Melkor was laying down all over middle earth
but all good things must come to an end
and while the Valinor DO come into plenty of ends during their eons-long orgy
eventually they have to sit up and handle shit
because the elves are coming over and Middle Earth is a total mess
this is like when you keep putting off cleaning your room
and then you have a sexy guy/girl/salamander (i don’t know what you like) over for dinner
and you are like fuck shit
I need to get all these gerbil carcasses out of my carpet
how did all these gerbil carcasses even get here
I guess I didn’t notice them under all the cold pizza and fingernails I have lying around
so yeah
the Valinor have to finally clean up

They try to put it off for a while
like people keep being like Guys, guys
Melkor is basically just pooping all over that nice world we made
and his poop is like made out of lava
because of how hardcore he is
and I know lava poop eventually hardens
but it’s still poop
and it’s still lava
and that’s gross and dangerous and we should stop it
but Manwe just keeps being like GUYS
I KNOW THE ELVES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE COMING OVER SOME TIME THIS AGE
BUT LIKE
…
WHATEVER
WE’LL DEAL WITH IT LATER
then the elves show up and everyone is totally unprepared.

i guess I should explain how the elves get to Middle Earth
OH WAIT
CAN’T
BECAUSE TOLKIEN DOESN’T EXPLAIN EITHER
they just show up one day
totally out of nowhere
and in fact the Valar don’t even know about it until like months later
when that hunter dude Orome is riding around
and happens to run into some of them
and the elves are all like FUUUUUUCK
cause Melkor has been killing them off for a WHILE now
and like stealing their babies and turning them into orcs
and telling them Orome did it
so they’re like pretty afraid
but they aren’t super afraid because Orome is too handsome to fear

So orome goes back to the Valinor
like dudes
the elves are totally already here
we need to do something about all those gerbil carcasses Melkor’s been throwing everywhere
and the gods are all like shit you’re right
TIME FOR WAR.

The elves have no idea what’s going on by the way
one day they meet this dude Orome
and he chills with them for a bit
then all of a sudden
like a HUNDRED PISSED OFF GODS are stomping across their lawns
on their way to a war with some dude they’ve never heard of
so yeah, that happens

I mean it’s a big war and it’s super crazy and blah blah blah
Melkor has dug all these big holes in the ground
and he is in charge of one of them
and this dude named Sauron is in charge of the other one
and they put up a pretty good fight
but eventually the Valar just dump a bunch of asbestos and bees down those holes
and Melkor has to give up and get arrested
Sauron escapes though
they need him for the sequel

Okay so they drag Melkor back to orgyville
which is what I am calling the Valar’s home base cause I don’t remember the real name
and Melkor is like dudes, don’t imprison me
and Manwe is like NUP
TOTALLY IMPRISONING YOU
for THREE WHOLE AGES
then you get a parole hearing.

Okay here’s what I’m wondering
how long is an age?
Everyone’s always talking about ages
like they know exactly how long one is
but like
sometimes waiting for the bus feels like an age
and sometimes people are very young ages
like twelve or sperm
it is not a good system.

anyway they throw him in jail
then they are like fuck
we can’t have the elves just wandering around in middle earth
even though that’s the whole point of elves
we need to bring them all to our place
and lock them up real tight so they can’t fall in holes or step in poop lava
Orome, go tell them we’ve decided this for them

so Orome goes to elftowne and he’s like guys
come live in our scary crystal god palace and have orgies forever
and some of the elves are like SWEET
but some of the elves are like NAW
and then on the way to orgyland a bunch more elves get lost
and some wander off on purpose
because they don’t want to have to climb any more mountains
or go in any more caves
The elves split up into a bunch of clubs, based on what they like
there are the swimmy elves, the ones who like the ocean
and there are the high elves, who don’t get much done
and there are the deep elves, which is what the high elves THINK they are
and then there’s the Other Elves
who are all the ones who didn’t make it to orgy land and have to keep dealing with reality
bummer.

So the moral of the story
is maybe try cleaning your room a little bit every day
so you don’t have to fight an epic war against your dirty socks
every time you have company.

THE END.

J is for Jackal, and Also Jerkass

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[hey go click that button over there and buy my book]
[over there] —————————————->

So today’s myth was lovingly hand-translated for me
by this guy
who is some kind of language wizard I think so don’t fuck with him
It is a berber myth
which means it comes from ancient Berbaria
which is actually not called that
and is not exactly a place
and is really just a bunch of dudes in North Africa who speak a language
whatever
it’s about what would happen if someone told Loki he could be whatever animal he wanted

okay so there’s this Jackal and he is FAMISHED
his stomach is emptier than my shriveled black heart
you could drop a quarter down his gullet and never hear it hit bottom
and he wouldn’t even grant you any wishes
because in addition to being hungry
he is also a huge asshole
with no powers more magical than the ability to speak and start shit

so this Jackal is walking along and he sees a lion
and he’s like “Yo man does your face hurt?”
(preparing to lay down some sick burns on this chump)
but the lion totally ruins the joke by saying “Yes actually
my face hurts real bad
mainly my eyes”
So the Jackal is like DUDE
sounds like you’ve got a serious case of leonine glaucoma
what you need
is some MEDICINE
and out here in the middle of the fucking desert
the best kind of medicine we have is hyena hearts
because weed has not yet been invented
hold on, I’ll be right back.

So the jackal goes out and finds a hyena
(PS: Hyena is apparently a dirty word in Berberese
because every time anyone says it they feel the need to apologize
Someone needs to teach these dudes how to say crusty ballsack or something
are you reading this, mister language wizard?
can you teach me how to say crusty ballsack in Berber?
For research, obviously.)
anyway the jackal is like YO HYENA MY MAN
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR FOOT?
(Jackal is not known for his tact)
And Hyena is like man I sprained it doing backflips and shit
I don’t know, what do hyenas do?
anyway I need a doctor
(Holy shit this desert is just chock full of miserable animals)
and Jackal is like YOU’RE IN LUCK MY FRIEND
FOLLOW ME
And Hyena follows him
like an idiot

three hours later Hyena and Jackal arrive at Lion’s place
and Jackal is like alright man
here’s the doctor
and Hyena is like I don’t know
that looks less like a doctor and more like one of my natural predators
and the Jackal is like dude
DUDE
we live in the middle of a fucking DESERT
the best medicine we have is Hyena hearts
and the best doctors we have are lions
and the Hyena is like what was that about hyena hearts
and Jackal is like NOTHING SHUT UP
IT’S GOING TO BE FINE
HE TOOK THE HIPPOCRITIC OATH OR WHATEVER
and Hyena is like okay, I guess I’ll trust you
and he goes over to the lion
and the lion hits him on the head with a shovel and kills him
just like bam
and Jackal is like okay Lion
you go over there for a minute
I’ll just cut this dude up for you right quick
and then he does
but before the lion gets back
Jackal EATS THE FUCKING HEART HIMSELF
holy shit man
the one fucking part of the body you promised to the lion
and that is the part you eat
I thought this guy was being clever
convincing the lion to just take a small part of a big meaty corpse
but no
just being an asshole
all across the desert
yup.

Oh, consequences?
You want to hear about the consequences?
There are none.
No consequences at all for jackal.
What, you thought this story was going to have a moral or something?
Well it does
it’s this:
you wanna make an assload of money fast?
fuck impersonating a doctor
impersonate an insurance agent.

THE END.