Author Archives: Ovid

Sam Spade looks like SATAN

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Today’s myth comes from a little book I like to call
“The Maltese Falcon”
because that’s what it’s called
it is basically what you are thinking about
if you are thinking about noir fiction
and it goes like this

so Sam Spade looks like satan
let’s get that out of the way right up front
because over the course of the book
this is something you get told like A MILLION TIMES
if you are not sure about anything else that is going on
in this labyrinthine detective novel
just remember:
the main dude
the one you like
is SATAN
but like
a buff satan
cause this is AMERICA

okay so Sam Spade is in his office
and a hot chick is also in his office
and this hot chick wants to pay Sam and his partner Miles 200 bucks
to follow some dude who she says fucked her sister
Sam thinks her story is total bullshit
but he likes the look of her 200 dollars
and Miles likes the look of her body parts
so they take the case

cut to like 3 minutes later
Miles is dead
so is the guy he was following
it’s like 3AM and Sam is like fuuuuuck
you guys woke me up at 3AM
and now I have to look at dead bodies
this is bullshit
(oh yeah
i didn’t mean to imply those two guys were in the same place
Miles is in a dead-end alleyway [no pun intended]
and the other guy is in a hotel or something
honestly i forget)
and the police are like hey sam
do you know anything about all these murders
and Sam is like yeah
I know that you can go fuck yourself
then he goes home and gets WASTED

SERIOUSLY
dude drinks like a whole bottle of Bacardi
and when the police bust into his apartment at 4AM
he’s like sup guys
would you like some rum
while I stumble around the room telling you to suck my nuts?
and the police are not pleased with his behavior
but then they leave because Sam is way too blackout drunk to tell them anything
this is going to happen like NINETY MORE TIMES

okay so then I guess he sleeps off all that rum
and he goes over to the apartment of the chick who hired him
whose name is Brigid
and he’s getting followed by this weird scrawny kid
but he loses the kid and goes up to Brigid’s place
and is basically like yo bitch
everything you told me was a lie
prolly even your name
but fuck it, i’m not learning another name
and now my partner is dead
and it’s not like I really liked him
in fact, I’m fucking his wife
but this kind of shit is bad for business
so tell me what’s up
and Brigid is like here’s what’s up
I will give you like 500 dollars
to protect me from all the people
who are legitimately pissed off at me
for doing something I’m not going to tell you about
you are going to accept this sketchy deal because I have boobs
and Sam Spade is like what
i’m sorry I was too busy looking at your boobs and looting your wallet

so spade goes back to his office
and there’s this dude there named Cairo
who offends Spade with his effeminate sense of style
and also the gun he is threatening Spade with
so spade takes the gun with basically no problems
and then Cairo is like hey
no hard feelings
how would you like 10,000 dollars to get me a statue of a bird
you may recognize it
ITS NAME IS THE TITLE OF THIS BOOK
and spade is like That actually sounds pretty awesome
and then Cairo leaves
and Spade goes over to Brigid’s place like alright
what the fuck is this about

so Brigid does a bunch of crying and shit
and lies her ass off for a while
and then she’s like Okay I really need to talk to Cairo
so spade takes her over to his place
and he calls up Cairo
and Cairo comes over and Brigid is like I can get you the bird
but not right now
and then Cairo gets all pissed and pulls out his gun
and spade punches him
and then the fucking COPS show up
and spade has to tell them this goofy story
about how all the people screaming and pistol-whipping each other in his house
are really just there as part of an elaborate ploy
to prank the police
which works, for some reason
but Cairo leaves with the cops anyway
and then Spade basically uses scare tactics
to convince Brigid that it’s not safe for her to leave his apartment
and that instead what she should do
is hang out and have sex with him
so that happens

then in the morning he leaves her passed out in bed
and goes and ransacks her apartment
and finds nothing
then comes back home and is like ALRIGHT
ONE NIGHT STAND COMPLETE
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE
then he gets himself kidnapped by that kid who’s been following him
and taken to meet this fat asshole named Gutman
who keeps saying “Gad” instead of “God”

So Gutman is like Dude
do you even know what this bird is that everyone wants?
and Spade is like Nup
and Gutman is like Okay, lemme tell you for like a million pages
TL:DR – it’s a gold bird some knights used to pay their rent to the king of spain
some dude painted it black because it was way too tacky
it’s worth like a billion dollars or something
so then Gutman is like I WILL GIVE YOU FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR THE BIRD
and Spade is like Sure, yeah
gimme a minute
I need to go outside and cause more problems

So he goes back to his office and Brigid is there
and she’s like waaaaaah
some dude ransacked my apartment while we were getting our bone on
and Spade is like oh shit
your apartment is not safe
better have sex with me more in my apartment
and Brigid is like I have a better idea
how about I skip town
and Spade is like that’s a GREAT idea
here, use my secretary’s house
she lives with her mom
but she won’t mind
she’s used to being an accessory to crimes
then he puts Brigid in a cab and sends her to the suburbs

thus begins the portion of the novel
where all the characters line up in single file
so sam spade can take turns telling them to go fuck themselves
first he tells the cops to go fuck themselves again
then he tells it to the district attourney
then he tells it to that skinny kid who followed him
then he tells it to Gutman
who poisons him with rohypnol for laffs
then he wakes up
and finds out that Brigid didn’t go to his secretary’s house
instead she went to the docks
and everyone knows nothing good happens at the docks
other than like one time I saw a crazy sea-carnival
they pushed two boats together and they juggled fire and shit
it was sweet as hell

so he looks at some newspapers and figures out what boat she was looking for
because oh yeah, I forgot to say that this story takes place in San Francisco
and before she was in San Francisco Brigid was in Hong Kong
and there’s only one boat that just arrived from hong kong
and also
that boat is on fire
so that’s sort of a dead end

and you know what else is a dead end?
the mortally wounded sea captain who chooses this moment
to bust into spade’s office
carrying a brown paper package
containing THE MALTESE FALCON
so spade watches this dude die
and then he takes the bird
and mails it to himself
because no ring of criminal masterminds is a match
for the UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE

then Brigid calls him up and tells him they’re holding her hostage
out in the burbs
but it turns out that’s totally bullshit
and when he gets back to his apartment
everyone is in there, causing a ruckus
everyone being Brigid, Cairo, Gutman
and gutman’s scrawny boyslave Wilmer
the one with the guns Spade has already stolen once

so Gutman is like Alright dude
we have tried basically every flavor of bullshit on you
and now it comes down to this:
give us the bird
and I will give you ten thousand dollars
and Spade is like sure okay
but you also have to frame one of your dudes
because otherwise the cops are gonna raw-dog me straight into retirement
I’m too much of a magnificent asshole to retire
I think we’ve established this
so I say we pin all the murders on your boy Wilmer

Obviously wilmer isn’t pleased about this
so Spade punches everyone in the face and takes all the guns
and then he’s like Okay guys
I really have like 100% of the bargaining chips right now
and Gutman agrees
so Spade has his secretary go get the bird from the post office
and everyone prepares to be phenomenally fucking wealthy

so the bird arrives
and they open the package
and they take out a knife to cut off the paint and see the delicious gold beneath
except WHAT THE NUTS
THIS BIRD IS NOT MADE OF GOLD AND JEWELS
IT IS MADE OF LEAD AND DISAPPOITMENT
apparently the dude they stole this bird from in Turkey
was way too crafty for them
and pulled some crazy indiana jones shit with a fake bird
so Gutman loses his shit and takes 9 of the 10k back from Spade
and then he and his boys leave
and Spade calls the cops on them
and then it’s just Spade and Brigid
alone in the apartment
so obviously they bone, right?

WRONG
because Spade chooses this very moment to reveal
that he totally knows who killed his partner
IT WAS BRIGID THE WHOLE TIME
She used her feminine wiles to lure him into an alley
with the sweet promise of handjobs
and then when he was in there, she shot him
why, you ask?
No one seems to really know the answer to that
basically she was on the run after stealing this bird
(which she gave to that sea captain who got shot
like for safekeeping
and that’s why that boat was on fire I guess)
and she picked up this bodyguard in Hong Kong
but she didn’t want to split the money with him
so she figured if she hired a private detective to follow him
he’d freak out and run
but he didn’t
so instead
she … shot the private detective she hired?

so he tells Brigid all this
and she’s like BUT YOU STILL LOVE ME, RIGHT?
and Spade is like Bitch
I may not have liked my partner very much
in fact I’m still kinda fucking his wife
but in my business
we have a saying you may have heard:
Bros
Before
Hos
You think you’re special?
There are three female characters in this book
you, my secretary, and my partner’s wife
I have fucked ALL OF YOU
I have pulled literally 100% of the tail in this narrative
and you think I am going to shack up with a cold-blooded psychopath
because she gives good handjobs?
Nice try, murderpuss
say hello to prison for me.
Then he sells her out to the police
and has to give up the thousand dollars as evidence
so in the end
nobody is happy
which is just the way Sam Spade likes it

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is that you should never pay someone an exorbitant amount of money
to solve murders
that YOU YOURSELF COMMITTED
seriously people
this is like murder 101

The end.

KOSHCHEI THE DEATHLESS

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Today’s myth comes courtesy of this book
which is always sort of hit or miss for me
but this time
it is definitely
…both?

so to start out
lemme just transcribe the first two sentences of this story
ahem:
“In a certain country there once lived a king
and he had three sons, all of them grown up.
All of a sudden Koshchei the Deathless carried off their mother.”
Like, what the fuck, right?
There is no explanation of who Koshschei the Deathless is
apparently this is just a thing that happens in Russia sometimes
and you just have to deal with it however you can
because what are you going to do, kill him?
Dude
he’s got deathless RIGHT THERE IN HIS NAME
I wouldn’t put my money on it, is all i’m saying

but that doesn’t stop the king’s sons from getting all heroic
so first the oldest one goes out
and he disappears
then the second oldest goes out
and also disappears
and that leaves us with the youngest
Prince Ivan
and the king is like “No prince Ivan
you are too young and a dumbass to go on this crazy mission
if you die along with your brothers I will kill myself”
and Ivan is like “No you won’t dad
you and I both know that you don’t give a shit about me
cya”

but despite the fact that Ivan is a prince
he seems not to have a horse
in fact, if I’m reading this story right
every horse he touches turns to liquid
and that’s great if you want a lot of horse liquid all over
like for a smoothie
but it’s not great if your intention is to actually ride a horse
so that’s when an old woman shows up like DUDE
I CAN GET YOU A HORSE
FOLLOW ME TO THIS MOUNTAIN
PUNCH THE TOP OFF THIS MOUNTAIN
RIP THESE TWELVE PADLOCKS OFF THIS IRON DOOR
THERE’S YOUR HORSE
DEEP UNDERGROUND
WAITING
WITHOUT FOOD OR WATER
FOR A HERO TO COME AND CLAIM HIM
and you know what?
she’s right
I know that sounded like the kind of thing a crazy person would say
but honestly, so does this whole story
in fact the more I think about it
the more convinced I am
that this old woman in this story is actually some kind of authorial insertion
and the whole thing is a ploy by her
to get people to listen to all the crazy shit she says

Anyway now Ivan has a great horse
so he rides over to a mountain
and meets up with his brothers
and they – WAAAAAAIT A SECOND
I thought his brothers disappeared without a trace
how the fuck were they so easy to find
and not in prison or anything
are you telling me these dudes have just been hanging out
for like SEVERAL YEARS
avoiding the kingdom for no good reason
getting lapdances from impoverished peasants
totally avoiding the responsibilities of – Okay I get it know

But now that Ivan’s found them
they have to at least pretend to be looking for their mom
so they all ride towards Koshchei’s place
because apparently everyone knows where that is
and they come up to a boulder
that weighs FIFTY POODS
yeah no I didn’t misspell “pounds” just now
there is a thing in russia called a pood
and they use it to weigh other things
I’m not sure how much it is
but probably no more than half a bloof
or like a dozen glurfs
anyway it can’t be much
because Ivan just picks it up and chucks it at a mountain
and apparently that’s what you have to do to advance
because then a ladder appears on the cliff in front of them
rendering his brand new horse TOTALLY WORTHLESS

so Ivan climbs the ladder
and when his filthy whoremongering bros don’t follow him
he’s like “okay guys”
and he bleeds in a cup
and he’s like “if this blood turns black it means i’m dead”
then he goes up the cliff
and into the crib of KOSHCHEI THE DEATHLESS

so first he finds a house
with a hot chick inside
and the hot chick is like “dude do you know who you’re dealing with?
this is Koshchei the Deathless we’re talking about
he is not the most mortal of dudes
tell you what
if you can lift this sword he left here
which weighs, like, a million poods
i’ll believe you have what it takes to kill this guy
and Ivan lifts that poody sword no problem
and the hot chick lets him pass.
Man, it’s a good thing that the only skill required on this quest is lifting
i shudder to think what might happen if someone asked Ivan to do math
or ballet
or tell them what the fuck a pood is

so the next house Ivan finds happens to have his mom inside
but it also has Koshchei the Deathless inside
boning his mom
and as soon as Ivan gets close
Koshchei is like FEE FIE FOE FOOD
I SMELL THE BONES OF A RUSSIAN DUDE
I STEAL WOMEN ALL THE TIME
BUT I ALSO BURGLE BRITISH RHYMES
and Ivan’s mom is like “shh dude chill out
you’ve been flying around russia all day stealing women
also I am russian
also you are russian and we live in russia
it is not unusual for you to smell something russian
just finish balling me real fast
so we can have some suspicious post-coital pillow-talk”
and Koschei is fine with that

so Ivan is hiding and listening to them be all nasty
but then they finish up and Ivan’s mom is like
“Koshchei the Deathless
where do you keep all your death that you apparently don’t have?”
and Koshchei is like “What a sensible question
I will honor it with an equally sensible answer:
my death is inside an egg
inside a duck
inside a rabbit
inside a box
under an oak tree
somewhere in … Russia maybe?
and Ivan is like “YESSSS
WITH THOSE INCREDIBLY PRECISE DIRECTIONS HOW CAN I GO WRONG”

so Ivan starts walking
and apparently this was back in the olden days
when russia was just a 2-d sidescroller
so he pretty much just has to go in a straight line to find this tree
but on the way he gets hungry
and he’s about to punch a wolf in the throat and take its meat
when its mom is like “NO DON’T KILL MY SON
I WILL TOTALLY OWE YOU ONE”
and Ivan is like “HOLY SHIT A TALKING WOLF”
and he just keeps walking
until he sees a crow
and he gets ready to shoot it down
when its mom is like “NO NO NO HEY”
and Ivan is like “AHHHH DOES EVERYTHING AROUND HERE TALK?”
and then he goes to catch a fish
and the fish is like “YES. SO DON’T KILL ME.”
then it turns into a bridge and Ivan is like “Wow
I must be hungrier than I thought.”

But Ivan’s doubts about his sanity do not stop him from crossing the fish-bridge
which leads directly to that oak tree Koshchei mentioned
and then he opens up the box under the tree
and a rabbit pops out and runs away
and Ivan is like “fuuuuuuuuck
I can’t catch that”
but then it’s okay
because that wolf he killed catches it for him
and Ivan cuts it open
and a DUCK FLIES OUT AND GETS AWAY
but it’s okay, because a flock of crows goes all Hitchcock on its ass
and brings it back to Ivan
who slices open the duck
gets the egg
and gets the FUCK out of that crazy talking animal forest.

Meanwhile Koshchei the Deathless is getting ready for round 2 with Ivan’s mom
when Ivan busts in like HAHAHA
I HAVE AN EGG FULL OF DEATH AND I’M GOOD AT LIFTING
PREPARE TO DIE
then he cracks the egg
and Koshchei dies
totally ruining his image
and then Ivan takes his mom and the hot chick and they leave

But that’s not all my friends
because it turns out that Ivan’s lazy whoremongering brothers
are also HUGE ASSHOLES
so when the hot chick sends Ivan back to her place
to get her shoes and her ring and her gown
the brothers tear down the cliff-ladder
and take all the ladies hostage
and then they go home like “Hey dad
pretty crazy how we saved your wife and found a hot chick
and Ivan is dead and we don’t know anything about it”
and the king is like “Yes
Pret-ty crazy”

Meanwhile Ivan appears to have discovered the Village People
possibly by fingerfucking the ring he took from the hot chick’s house
and they use their manly arms to carry him off the mountain
and then he goes back to his kingdom
and shacks up with this old lady to plot his revenge
cause Ivan’s oldest brother has called finders keepers on the hot chick
and one of the prerequisites to being hot in olde russia
is that you don’t get to make decisions about your body
so all Hotness can do is stall
and the way she is stalling
is by demanding that someone bring her her ring
and her shoes
and her gown
or else make her exact replicas of those things

Ivan sees this as the perfect opportunity for a very dumb plan
so what he does
is he gives the ring to the old lady
and tells her to go to the king and pretend like she made it
and only accept one ducat as payment
which doesn’t matter anyway
because ducats aren’t real money
(anything that has the word “cats” in it is not real money)
and then the next day he has her do the same thing with the robe
and then the shoes
and then Hotness is like “Well shit
guess I can’t stall anymore
time to get married”

So the marriage day rolls around
and Ivan gets all dressed up in all his finery
and manages to show up to the wedding BEFORE THE GROOM
so he gets married to the hot chick
before anyone has time to object
and then when his dad finds out what happened
he has the other brothers killed or banished or something
and everybody lives happily ever after
(or is killed or banished or something)

so the moral of the story
is that by far the safest course of action for a wandering adventurer
is to be a bodybuilder
who adheres to a strictly vegetarian diet

THE END.

Cuchulainn: ULTIMATE HUSBAND

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Hey guys
sorry I didn’t post a myth yesterday
I was sick
i am still sick, but fuck it

okay so this story was also told to me by Joshua Safford
but by the time he told it to me i was pretty drunk
so I don’t remember what anyone is called
except Cuchulainn
who is the only one who matters anyway

okay so in Ireland
or wherever these stories happen
they have this weird awful tradition
where they throw rocks at birds
and then if they knock down the birds
they put them on women they like
2 birds per women
and Cuchulainn is great at throwing rocks
so as our story opens
he has just winged SIX BIRDS
did somebody say FOURSOME?

well yes
somebody did
and that somebody was cuchulainn
but actually there is a little bit of a logistical problem
because Cuchulainn did not go out mauling birds by himself
he brought ladies with him
FOUR ladies
and one of those ladies
is his WIFE
so Cuchulainn has to make a tricky decision
but he’s a tricky guy
so what he does
is he gives two birds to each lady
EXCEPT HIS WIFE
and then he’s like “hey honey
are you jealous that i didn’t put any dead birds on you?”
and his wife is like “No Cuchulainn
because those birds are only tokens of your affection
and I already have your affection
because we’re married and shit
plus i don’t really want dead birds all over me”

but then RIGHT AT THAT VERY MOMENT
two birds fly by
tied together with a silver chain
and Cuchulainn is like DON’T WORRY HONEY
I WILL GET YOU SOME DEAD BIRDS
and his wife is like “No dude
i said it was cool
plus those birds are chained together
there is clearly some magical shit going on
don’t throw rocks at those birds”
but Cuchulainn is already throwing rocks
because throwing rocks is what he DO
he misses once
and he misses twice
and his wife is like “DUDE
SERIOUSLY
MAGIC BIRDS
BAD IDEA.”
but then he throws the third time and he snaps the chain
and the birds freak out and break their necks on the ground
and Cuchulainn is like here honey
put these on your body
then he passes out on the ground and starts tripping balls
because
let me reiterate
MAGIC BIRDS
BAD IDEA

So Cuchulainn is leaving no ball un-tripped there on the banks of the river
he is hallucinating these crazy water nymphs
beating him with gold chains
and meanwhile all the hot ladies he brought to the beach with him
all have to drag him back to the castle
what castle, you ask?
fuck, does it matter?
you know europe
fucking castles coming out of other castles
just trust me, there was one nearby
and they get there
and the king is like “Oh shit
this looks like a magical river curse.
only one cure for those:
take him back to the magical river”
and the resident wise woman is like “dude
no
bad idea”
but nobody asked her
so they drag Cuchulainn right back to the river

meanwhile, Cuchulainn is still tripping more balls than that burglar from Home Alone
and all the nymphs who are hitting him with chains are like dude
the wife of the sea-god really needs some loving
you should get on that
she’s totally askin for it
and Cuchulainn is like “LADIES
I AM A MARRIED MAN”
and the nymphs are like “Okay look
the sea god is out of town a lot on business
because of tides and whatnot
and his wife is just looking for a little something on the side
and we are authorized to hook you up”
and Cuchulainn is like “TELL MY WIFE I AM BUSY.”

So then I guess he wakes up from his coma
and starts fucking this sea goddess
and nobody knows about this
except his wife, obviously
because he keeps coming home damp and smelling of sea-pussy
so one night she follows him down to the river
and sees him boning this chick
and she’s like “DUDE
YOU GAVE ME DEAD BIRDS
I THOUGHT YOU CARED MORE THAN THIS”
and Cuchulainn is like “uh … my bad?”
and the sea goddess is like “look lemme just use him for one more minute”
and then the sea god is like “WHAT THE FUCK IRENE
SERIOUSLY?
AGAIN?”
(irene is the name i just made up for the sea goddess)
and his wife is like “Uh … my bad?”
and the sea god is like “FUCK THIS
AMNESIA WAVE”
and he hits them with a big ol’ wave
and it wipes out Cuchulainn’s memory of all his illicit sexytimes with the sea goddess
and vice versa
in fact the only person who doesn’t get her memory wiped
is Cuchulainn’s wife
which sorta blows
because she can’t very well punish Cuchulainn for something he doesn’t remember
so instead she’s just like insanely bitter
forever

So the moral of the story
is if you ever get caught cheating
just hit yourself in the head with a shovel
did somebody say GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD?

The end.

Midir is a Player

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Today’s myth comes courtesy of professional storyteller/wizard Joshua Safford
(and he told it to me in words, out loud
so if I misspell any of the names, sorry)
and it is about hustlin

So there’s this dude Midir
he’s like a grand master at chess
don’t worry, that’ll be important later
what’s important right now
is that Midir is getting mega freaky with this fairy named Etain
which is great
i mean, fairy tail is the best tail there is
but what’s not so great
is that Midir
is MARRIED
to the QUEEN OF THE FAIRIES
the queen is named Fuanach
and she is basically the Hera to Fuanach’s Zeus

so obviously Fuanach figures out what’s going on
and she does what any concerned spouse would do under the circumstances
she calls her wizard, Tamburlaine, and tells him to kill Etain
and Tamburlaine is like WHOAH, HEY
I am NOT going back to jail
plus fairies are invincible or some shit
the best I can do
is turn Etain into a butterfly
and then chuck a typhoon at her
and Fuanach is like SOLD

So Midir is putting his mouth all over Etain
but then he goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water
and when he comes back
HIS CONCUBINE IS AN INSECT
AND WINDSTORMS ARE HAPPENING
so he gets the fuck out of there as fast as he can
and Etain is about to get crushed by flying pieces of masonry
when KA-KAWWW
here comes an eagle, rescuing her shit
but this is no ordinary eagle, my friends
this eagle is the servant of ANGUS
GOD OF LOVE
wait, seriously?
You are the god of love
and your name is ANGUS?
Guys
the name Angus
is about as sexy as a crotchful of stale mac n cheese
if your name is Angus and you are reading this
i mean no offense
because i am sure that YOU know better
than to label yourself the GOD OF LOVE

So angus has this butterfly now
and he’s like what the fuck do i do with this
oh I know, i’ll break the curse
but the problem is that there’s some weird rule
that says you can only break curses in half
so now Etain is a hot fairy chick half the time
and a butterfly the other half of the time
so half the year Angus just shags the shit out of her
because remember
GOD OF LOVE
and the other half of the time he keeps her in a cardboard box
because remember
ANGUS

and for some reason Etain is not really down with this
so she escapes from the cardboard box
cause Angus didn’t even put any tape on it or anything
and she flies back down to earth
and into a cup of wine
that gets drank by this dude Eochaid
who then gets frisky with his wife
who gets pregnant
and gives birth
to ETAIN
HOLY SHIT BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU DRINK WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO CONCEIVE

so word gets around that this hot chick
(who looks exactly like Etain)
has just been born (fully grown?) to Eochaid
and Midir hears about this
and clearly has not had enough of his wife’s wrath
so he just heads straight over to Eochaid’s house
like HEY BRO I HEAR YOUR DAUGHTER’S A BABE
WANNA PLAY CHESS?
and Eochaid is like HELLL YEAH
at which point Midir begins what is to be
THE SINGLE GREATEST CHESS HUSTLE OF ALL TIME

he starts throwing games
like “Aww man i’m normally not this bad
double or nothing?”
night after night
and every night
while Eochaid contemplates freshly dope strategies
Midir sneaks around to Etain’s window
to tickle on her heart strings with his sexy guitar licks
until finally one day Midir gets sick of losing
and he straight hands Eochaid his ass
and Eochaid is like “double or nothing?”
and Midir is like NO
GIVE ME A GIFT
and Eochaid is like sure
what do you want?
and Midir is like I want to make out with your daughter
and Eochaid is like oh ok
just give me a week to get her ready

so he gets her ready alright
he gets her ready by surrounding her with a fortress
and a whole metric cockblock’s worth of guards
but Midir is a fairy
fairies give less than no fucks about stuff like this
so he just swoops into Etain’s room
gargles her tonsils for a bit
and his tongue is so exquisitely acrobatic
that it magically restores Etain’s memories of all their previous sexytimes
and they go back to fairyland
for further adultery and nonsense

So the moral of the story
is that the real threat to the sanctity of marriage
is magical fairy powers

THE END

THE MAD BEGGAR CHOU TIEN

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This comes courtesy of one of the books on my desk
and also china, I guess

So Chou Tien is a pretty normal dude
but then he turns 14
and he gets the flu so bad he goes crazy
and his family doesn’t want to catch the crazy
so they make him go live on the streets forever

Chou Tien isn’t sad about this, though, cause he’s a crazy person
he just spends all day every day telling everyone how great life is
and every time a new dude becomes president
he just walks into that dude’s office
and he’s like “hey dude
life is great
welcome to being president!”
and the presidents just LET HIM DO THIS
because ancient China predates the secret service

but Chou Tien is wrong
life sucks in china at this point in history
because the mongols are there
and they are not down with the peasants
they are so afraid of a rebellion in fact
that they don’t let anyone have any weapons
and people have to share like 1 kitchen knife per seven houses
I KNOW
IT SUCKS

but so one day this dude name Chu Yuan-chang shows up
to tell the peasants to start killing mongols
and Chou Tien comes up to him like “good times ahoy!”
and Chu is like “I LIKE YOUR STYLE, SIR
PLEASE
COME WITH ME AND BE MY MILITARY ADVISER”
and that is exactly what this crazy homeless guy does

so Chu is about to fight a battle
not with the mongols, mind you
but with another rebel leader
because he uh
he got a little sidetracked
and he’s like “Yo crazy advisor
what are my chances of winning this battle?”
And Chou Tien yanks his head out of a jug of booze
and is like “Good times ahoy!”
and Chu Yuan-chang is like “GREAT!”
and that shit gives him the confidence he needs
to go out there and win the battle
and then become president!
(You should know that when I say president
I actually mean emperor
you cannot become president just by being good at war, guys
that is silly and never happens)

So Chu Yuan-chang is president now
and he’s freaking out
because he’s like “Chou Tien helped me become president
he could destroy me just as easily!
Like … like what if…
what if he starts saying BAD TIMES AHOY?
HOW WOULD I DEAL WITH THAT?
Oh, simple
kill him”
So he has his guards go get Chou Tien
and he’s like “Alright dude, sorry, gonna kill you”
and Chou Tien is like “Aw dude
major party foul
you can’t kill me
I’m immune to fire and water and weapons”
But of course this is exactly the kind of thing a crazy homeless guy would say
so Chu Yuan-chang just ignores him
and the way you ignore people in ancient China
is apparently to put them in a giant iron pot and cook them to death

so seven hours later Chu opens the pot
to try some of the delicious hobo soup he’s been making
except he gets surprised pretty good
cause Chou Tien is still super alive in there
NAPPIN’
And Chu is just like “okay fuck this
get thee to a nunnery”
but he doesn’t mean nunnery
he means buddhist monastery

so Chou is in the buddhist monastery
and all the monks are sposed to keep an eye on him
but a couple weeks later all the monks show up at Chu’s castle
like DUDE
we CANNOT HANDLE this rowdy hobo ANY MORE
shit is IN-TIGGITY-TOLERABLE
and Chu is like alright let me see what’s up
so he goes down to the monastery
and Chou Tien is running around doing mad kickflips and kegstands
tracking dirt all over the noble eightfold path
pissing on everyone’s nirvana
and Chu Yuan-chang suddenly realizes
that he is not going to get anywhere with this guy
and why the fuck did he even hire him in the first place
so he’s like “Hey Chou”
and Chou is like “Yeah Chu?”
And Chu is like “Name anything you want
I will give it to you in exchange for getting the fuck out of my face”
and Chou is like “WHAT A COINCIDENCE
ALL I WANT IS TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR FACE
SERIOUSLY DUDE WHY ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME
I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TELL FANTASY FROM REALITY”
and then he goes away and lives happily ever after
and Chu Yuan-chang kills all his other advisors
because apparently Chou Tien was the only thing keeping him from going off the deep-end

so the moral of the story
is if you want to kill a crazy homeless wizard
use acid
they’re immune to everything else

THE END.

Chicken Little Is a Little High-Strung

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so there’s this chicken
she’s a small chicken and animals don’t understand names
so this little chicken is named Chicken Little
great, off to a grand start
and then Chicken Little is hanging out under a tree
and an acorn falls out of the tree and hits her on the head
and instead of dying or discovering gravity
Chicken Little catapults her whole damn self into PSYCHOBILLY FREAKOUT MODE
so she’s all running around like GUYS GUYS
THE SKY IS FALLING
THE WHOLE DAMN SKY
WHATCHA GONNA DO
and her friend Henny Penny
(who, judging by her name, is tiny, brown, and worthless)
is like I’LL TELL YOU WHAT WE’RE GONNA DO
WE’RE GONNA FLIP OUT AND GO TELL THE PRESIDENT

So that is what they do
and on their way they run into their friend Ducky Lucky
“Lucky” is a kind of a misnomer
because if there was a single wishbone in this poor animal’s body
she would have had the good fortune to totally dodge Chicken Little’s nonsense train
but as it stands
Ducky Lucky stumbles right into fiasco central station
and straight ties herself to the tracks
Chicken Licken and Henny Penny are like THE SKY’S COMING OUT OF THE SKY
and Ducky Lucky is like THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR
MINDLESS PANIC.
TO THE PRESIDENT!!

Then they round up their two other friends
Goosey Loosey, the neighborhood prostitute
and the Turkey Lurkey, the rapist
and then Nostradumbass and her moron quartet
all fly screaming and flailing towards Washington DC

so they get off the airplane in Washington
and they meet this metrosexual fox by the name of Foxy Loxy
and these birds are not very self sufficient
so they decide to ask Foxy Loxy for directions
and Foxy’s all “Don’t worry guys
hop into my windowless van and I will take you right to the president”
Then he eats all the birds in his windowless van.

So the moral of the story
is don’t do a thing
just cause a fox told you to.

THE END.

Odin Starts Acting a Little Zeusy

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(Below this post is a post about how you should buy shirts)

Today’s myth comes courtesy of crafty norse monster
Lisa “Big Bad” Wolfsson
and it is about rape, murder, and technicalities

Okay so Baldur
he’s dead because of some bullshit Loki did
but instead of blaming it on loki
(as anyone who has read the NORSE CRISIS FLOWCHART rightly would)
they decide to blame it on Hodor
the dumb blind idiot who threw a spear into his brother’s chest
… okay I guess that’s fair, though.

Anyway
when you get blamed for shit in norse mythology
you don’t get off with just a slap on the wrist
you get off with a slap in the HEART
and by slap i mean KNIFE
but this raises a serious problem
which is that the norse are duty-bound
to execute this terrible revenge algorithm
wherein any dude who kills another dude
is fair game to be killed by the dead dude’s family
so anyone who kills Hodor to avenge Baldur
is gonna get cut up by Hodor’s family
and then the dude who cut up THAT dude is gonna get cut up
and on and on
til the break of ragnarok

But Odin is no fool
dude gave up his RIGHT EYE to not be a fool
which still seems to me like a pretty fucking foolish thing to do
but maybe that’s why he’s so wise now
like he took his eyeball out of his head
and then dropped it into a well
and was like “damn
that was seriously fucking silly
maybe I should stop making dumb decisions forever”
so what he does
is he digs up this dead chick
and he molests her skull
until she tells him
that what he needs to do
is get some russian princess pregnant
and then force her one-day-old baby to murder hodor
thus absolving everyone of responsibility
…
okay I think maybe the norse just have a different definition of dumb decisions

so Odin dresses up in some armor
and he goes over to russia to seduce this chick
(whose name is Rind)
and he gets mad respect from Rind’s dad by being a sick warrior
and then finally he’s like “hey rind’s dad
i would like to fondle your daughter’s tits”
and the king is like “yeah ok”
and Rind is like “HIGGITY HEL NO”
and smacks Odin right back to Asgard

This is where a wise person might have just abandoned the mission
but Odin is turned on by wanton violence
so instead he disguises himself as a jewelsmith
and goes back to Rind like “Hey girl
I will give you all this sweet jewelry
if you jump up and down on my wang”
but instead of that
Rind proceeds to jump up and down on Odin’s FACE
and not in the sexy way
because apparently not everyone is as much of a goldslut as Freyja

So finally Odin realizes
this chick must be a lesbian
and with that in mind
he disguises himself as a woman
and gets a job as Rind’s chambermaid
but he’s not taking any chances this time
so first he uses some magic runes to make her sick
and then he’s like “Hey king
I have a special potion that will cure your daughter
but it tastes so bad we’ll have to tie her down before i give it to her
and also you have to leave me alone in the room with her
for uh
science”
and the king is like “WHY YES THIS IS NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL”
and then Rind gets mysteriously pregnant!

Fast forward nine months
no sooner has Rind popped out this baby
then Odin is like YOINK
HERE BABY HAVE THIS KNIFE
and he duct tapes a knife to this baby
and throws it at Hodor
who is so bummed about killing Baldur
that he doesn’t even try to avoid the knifebaby
plus he’s blind, I think
and then he’s dead
and no one has the guts to kill a knifebaby
so Odin just totally gets away with this bullshit
and to make up for all the crafty rape
he steals Rind away from all her friends and family
and forces her to live in Asgard forever with her murder child

so the moral of the story
is that he who wants to be without sin
should cast the first knifebaby

THE END.

Gamblin’ Hans

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So there’s this guy Hans
he has a gambling addiction
and this is no normal gambling addiction
this addiction is straight up and no joke
SUPERNATURAL
let me explain:

So one night
two dudes show up at Hans’s house
like “hey man we were just passing through
we need a place to crash for a couple days”
and Hans is like “Sorry dudes
I have literally gambled away 100% of my possessions
I don’t even have food or a bed”
and the two dudes are like “oh that’s no problem”
because what Hans doesn’t know
is that these two dudes
are Saint Peter
and GOD.

Wait
what the fuck
what are these guys doing here
don’t they have more important things to be in charge of
like guarding the gates of heaven
and ADMINISTRATING THE FUCKING UNIVERSE?
and even if they’re on vacation or some shit
one would think that the creator of everything
might be able to secure fancier digs
than a GAMBLING HOVEL
so I guess the only explanation is that this is some kinda test

and sure enough, here comes the test
God gives Hans 20 bucks
and he’s like “alright dude, go get us some pizza”
but on the way to Pizza Hut
Hans passes the casino where he lost all his money
so now it’s decision time:
does Hans go buy pizza for god
or does he spend his 20 bucks on roulette?

GUYS I TOLD YOU HE HAD A GAMBLING ADDICTION
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE DOES
so God and Saint Peter start to wonder where Hans is at
and they go find him at the casino
like “hey what happened to our 20 bucks”
and Hans is like “uh
A BIRD STOLE IT
FUCKING BIRDS, AM I RIGHT?”
and while god DOES hate birds
he knows that Hans is full of shit
so he reaches into his back pocket of divine justice
and he pulls out
ANOTHER 20 DOLLARS
and he gives it to hans
like “Alright dude
watch out for birds this time.”
Wait what?
I thought this was a test
but it turns out it was just that god had too many Jacksons
and he needed some unreliable dude to help him get rid of them

but it turns out sorta okay
because Hans DOES come back with pizza this time
and then they eat their pizza and god is like
“hey man
thanks for the pizza
I probably could have gotten it faster myself
but apparently I am terrifyingly lazy
so as a reward for this errand
how about I give you three wishes?”
and he figures Hans will just wish to get into heaven
because i mean
eternal paradise is a pretty sweet deal
for a ten-minute pizza run
that you DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO PAY FOR
but instead
Hans immediately wishes for
a deck of cards that will never lose
a pair of dice that will always win
and … a fruit tree
that grows any kind of fruit imaginable
and uh
anyone who climbs up it needs his permission to get back down
because honestly
three wishes
is a lot of wishes to use up rationally.

so god is like whatever
and he and saint peter go back home
and meanwhile Hans proceeds to gamble SO HARD
that within a year
he literally owns HALF OF THE OBJECTS ON EARTH
and saint peter is up in heaven
and he’s like “whoah
god
I think we may have started some problems
by giving this pathological gambler infinite luck”
and God is like “whoa really?
why are people even still gambling with this guy?
You’d think they would’ve caught on by now.
Whatever, let’s just send Death after him.”

So death shows up at Hans’s palace
like “Yo dude, time to die”
and hans is like “Yeah man lemme just finish this hand
in the meantime
why don’t you climb up that fruit tree and get us some pineapples”
and death is like DURR OKAY
and then he climbs up the tree
and he can’t get down unless hans says so
so suddenly no one can die
FOR SEVEN YEARS
just like in that other story
and serious overpopulation shit starts to happen
and up in heaven Saint Peter is like “whoa
god
it seems like your death plan kinda backfired”
and god is like “shit, seriously?
why did death even want a pineapple?
we give him all the pineapples he wants down in hell
whatever, i’ll just tell Hans to let death out of the tree”

so God tells Hans to do that
and Hans is like “Okay fine”
and then death jumps out of the tree and strangles him to death
which seems inexcusably inelegant

So Hans dies
and he goes to hell
and he’s immediately like “hey satan
let’s gamble”
and Satan is apparently an idiot
because he agrees
so Hans wins hell
and then he tells all the demons to go ruin heaven
and Saint Peter is like “Whoah
God
it seems that putting a pathological gambler with infinite luck
in the kingdom of ultimate evil
along with another pathological gambler who does NOT have infinite luck
WAS A BAD IDEA”
and God is like “Really?
Shit man, what did Hans even have to bet against Satan with?
Whatever, just let him into heave.”
WHAT

So Hans gets into heaven
and he turns it into a gambling den pretty much immediately
angels are losing their shirts left and right
and that’s great
because have you ever seen pictures of angels?
those guys are fuckin’ CUT
but so Saint Peter looks down on this fiasco
and he’s like “God
buddy
we really need to come up with a more permanent solution for this guy”
and God is like “Well why didn’t you say so?”
And he flings Hans down to earth
and his soul shatters into a million pieces
and the shards all fly into poor unsuspecting dudes
causing gambling addictions
(kind of like how Thetans work)
and that is when Gamblin’ Hans
finally runs out of luck.

So the moral of the story
is there is no justice
only snake eyes

THE END.

THE END.

Oerestes Is a Ladies’ Man

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Whoa guys
I found another play I should have written
Lemme just write it real quick:
(Oh PS I’m gonna start trying to link to my source material on these)

ORESTES BY EURIPIDES

BY FAKE OVID

AHEM

The place is Argos. The time is way-the-fuck-old-times. Electra is here, being dumb because she’s female or something

ELECTRA:
HOLY SHIT I’M SO FUCKING DUMB. IT MUST BE BECAUSE I’M A WOMAN. Oh also my brother Orestes has been crazy for six days now because he killed our mom and I helped. He did that because our mom killed our dad, and she did that because our dad was Agamemnon and he was getting tail from all sides during the trojan war. Oh shit here comes Helen of Troy.

HELEN:
Yo girl you need to get laid

ELECTRA:
Yeah that seems to be working out real well for you so far. Hey how are all those wars you started?

HELEN:
Pretty good. Mostly over now. Hey could you do me a solid?

ELECTRA:
What?

HELEN:
Could you bring these flowers to your mom’s grave for me?

ELECTRA:
What? Why?

HELEN:
Because everyone in the city pretty much wants to kill me. You know, cause of all those wars I started.

ELECTRA:
Fuck you, do it yourself.

HELEN:
Nah. I’ll just make my daughter do it. Her name is Hermione, like in Harry Potter.

So that happens. Oh yeah, and Orestes was napping on the couch this whole time, but now he wakes up

ORESTES:
Hey Electra! I’m not crazy anymore!

ELECTRA:
Dude seriously? You are literally foaming at the eyes

ORESTES:
Oh no you’re right. Still crazy!

ELECTRA:
Fuck this, I’m going inside the castle.

ORESTES:
Wait, we aren’t in the castle? Where the fuck are we, then?

MENELAUS:
No time for that! I’m home from the Trojan war, what’s up?

ORESTES:
Oh not much dude. Just TOTALLY WEASELDICK CRAZY

MENELAUS:
Whoah, why?

ORESTES:
I killed my mom.

MENELAUS:
Go on…

ORESTES:
Dude I straight stabbed my mom in the neck. I’m like overcome with grief

MENELAUS:
I see. When did this grief begin?

ORESTES:
I dunno, probably right around when I set my mom’s corpse on fire.

MENELAUS:
Okay well I’m sure you’ll get over it. Anyway I gotta go bang my hot wife Helen, who everybody hates. See you later.

LATER:

RANDOM SOLDIER:
Holy shit everyone, Orestes just murdered Menelaus’s hot wife Helen, who everybody hates!

EVERYONE:
How unexpected!

RANDOM SOLDIER:
Yeah he was totally stabbing her and then her daughter was there too and then she like disappeared or something and I don’t know I’m pretty high right now. Good thing I escaped all that murder by running away.

ORESTES:
PSYCHE! NO YOU DIDN’T!

SOLDIER:
Oh noooooooo. Hey dude don’t kill me. I think it’s totally cool that you’re killing all these women all the time

ORESTES:
For real? You’re not just saying that?

SOLDIER:
I mean … yeah! Yeah! They totally had it coming or something.

ORESTES:
Sweet! Well, I’m off to go murder more women. Enjoy the rest of your life!

SOLDIER:
You too, buddy.

Menelaus shows up because where the fuck was he all this time

MENELAUS:
Oh no not more bullshit with Helen

ORESTES:
Yeah sorry dude. And now I’m standing on the roof like a supervillain, holding Hermione hostage.

MENELAUS:
Dude don’t kill her, she’s totally defenseless.

ORESTES:
Yeah I know, that’s kind of my thing.

MENELAUS:
Well shit, I’m out of ideas.

So is Euripides! Here comes Apollo, descending from space!

APOLLO:
Hey dudes, it turns out Helen isn’t actually dead. We just noticed that she was causing even more problems and we were like “fuck it, let’s put her in space where she can’t cause any more problems.” So she’s in space now. Sorry about that, Menelaus. You can have Sparta as a consolation prize. Oh and Orestes, you get to marry Hermione.

ORESTES:
Who?

APOLLO:
That girl you were just trying to stab.

ORESTES:
Oh yeah of course. Let’s get married.

EVERYONE:
IT LOOKS LIKE IT ALL WORKED OUT IN THE END.

HERMIONE:
Because women are currency!

CHORUS: The moral of the story is that Euripides probably did not get laid very much.

THE END.