Author Archives: Ovid

Cuchulainn: ULTIMATE HUSBAND

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Hey guys
sorry I didn’t post a myth yesterday
I was sick
i am still sick, but fuck it

okay so this story was also told to me by Joshua Safford
but by the time he told it to me i was pretty drunk
so I don’t remember what anyone is called
except Cuchulainn
who is the only one who matters anyway

okay so in Ireland
or wherever these stories happen
they have this weird awful tradition
where they throw rocks at birds
and then if they knock down the birds
they put them on women they like
2 birds per women
and Cuchulainn is great at throwing rocks
so as our story opens
he has just winged SIX BIRDS
did somebody say FOURSOME?

well yes
somebody did
and that somebody was cuchulainn
but actually there is a little bit of a logistical problem
because Cuchulainn did not go out mauling birds by himself
he brought ladies with him
FOUR ladies
and one of those ladies
is his WIFE
so Cuchulainn has to make a tricky decision
but he’s a tricky guy
so what he does
is he gives two birds to each lady
EXCEPT HIS WIFE
and then he’s like “hey honey
are you jealous that i didn’t put any dead birds on you?”
and his wife is like “No Cuchulainn
because those birds are only tokens of your affection
and I already have your affection
because we’re married and shit
plus i don’t really want dead birds all over me”

but then RIGHT AT THAT VERY MOMENT
two birds fly by
tied together with a silver chain
and Cuchulainn is like DON’T WORRY HONEY
I WILL GET YOU SOME DEAD BIRDS
and his wife is like “No dude
i said it was cool
plus those birds are chained together
there is clearly some magical shit going on
don’t throw rocks at those birds”
but Cuchulainn is already throwing rocks
because throwing rocks is what he DO
he misses once
and he misses twice
and his wife is like “DUDE
SERIOUSLY
MAGIC BIRDS
BAD IDEA.”
but then he throws the third time and he snaps the chain
and the birds freak out and break their necks on the ground
and Cuchulainn is like here honey
put these on your body
then he passes out on the ground and starts tripping balls
because
let me reiterate
MAGIC BIRDS
BAD IDEA

So Cuchulainn is leaving no ball un-tripped there on the banks of the river
he is hallucinating these crazy water nymphs
beating him with gold chains
and meanwhile all the hot ladies he brought to the beach with him
all have to drag him back to the castle
what castle, you ask?
fuck, does it matter?
you know europe
fucking castles coming out of other castles
just trust me, there was one nearby
and they get there
and the king is like “Oh shit
this looks like a magical river curse.
only one cure for those:
take him back to the magical river”
and the resident wise woman is like “dude
no
bad idea”
but nobody asked her
so they drag Cuchulainn right back to the river

meanwhile, Cuchulainn is still tripping more balls than that burglar from Home Alone
and all the nymphs who are hitting him with chains are like dude
the wife of the sea-god really needs some loving
you should get on that
she’s totally askin for it
and Cuchulainn is like “LADIES
I AM A MARRIED MAN”
and the nymphs are like “Okay look
the sea god is out of town a lot on business
because of tides and whatnot
and his wife is just looking for a little something on the side
and we are authorized to hook you up”
and Cuchulainn is like “TELL MY WIFE I AM BUSY.”

So then I guess he wakes up from his coma
and starts fucking this sea goddess
and nobody knows about this
except his wife, obviously
because he keeps coming home damp and smelling of sea-pussy
so one night she follows him down to the river
and sees him boning this chick
and she’s like “DUDE
YOU GAVE ME DEAD BIRDS
I THOUGHT YOU CARED MORE THAN THIS”
and Cuchulainn is like “uh … my bad?”
and the sea goddess is like “look lemme just use him for one more minute”
and then the sea god is like “WHAT THE FUCK IRENE
SERIOUSLY?
AGAIN?”
(irene is the name i just made up for the sea goddess)
and his wife is like “Uh … my bad?”
and the sea god is like “FUCK THIS
AMNESIA WAVE”
and he hits them with a big ol’ wave
and it wipes out Cuchulainn’s memory of all his illicit sexytimes with the sea goddess
and vice versa
in fact the only person who doesn’t get her memory wiped
is Cuchulainn’s wife
which sorta blows
because she can’t very well punish Cuchulainn for something he doesn’t remember
so instead she’s just like insanely bitter
forever

So the moral of the story
is if you ever get caught cheating
just hit yourself in the head with a shovel
did somebody say GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD?

The end.

Midir is a Player

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Today’s myth comes courtesy of professional storyteller/wizard Joshua Safford
(and he told it to me in words, out loud
so if I misspell any of the names, sorry)
and it is about hustlin

So there’s this dude Midir
he’s like a grand master at chess
don’t worry, that’ll be important later
what’s important right now
is that Midir is getting mega freaky with this fairy named Etain
which is great
i mean, fairy tail is the best tail there is
but what’s not so great
is that Midir
is MARRIED
to the QUEEN OF THE FAIRIES
the queen is named Fuanach
and she is basically the Hera to Fuanach’s Zeus

so obviously Fuanach figures out what’s going on
and she does what any concerned spouse would do under the circumstances
she calls her wizard, Tamburlaine, and tells him to kill Etain
and Tamburlaine is like WHOAH, HEY
I am NOT going back to jail
plus fairies are invincible or some shit
the best I can do
is turn Etain into a butterfly
and then chuck a typhoon at her
and Fuanach is like SOLD

So Midir is putting his mouth all over Etain
but then he goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water
and when he comes back
HIS CONCUBINE IS AN INSECT
AND WINDSTORMS ARE HAPPENING
so he gets the fuck out of there as fast as he can
and Etain is about to get crushed by flying pieces of masonry
when KA-KAWWW
here comes an eagle, rescuing her shit
but this is no ordinary eagle, my friends
this eagle is the servant of ANGUS
GOD OF LOVE
wait, seriously?
You are the god of love
and your name is ANGUS?
Guys
the name Angus
is about as sexy as a crotchful of stale mac n cheese
if your name is Angus and you are reading this
i mean no offense
because i am sure that YOU know better
than to label yourself the GOD OF LOVE

So angus has this butterfly now
and he’s like what the fuck do i do with this
oh I know, i’ll break the curse
but the problem is that there’s some weird rule
that says you can only break curses in half
so now Etain is a hot fairy chick half the time
and a butterfly the other half of the time
so half the year Angus just shags the shit out of her
because remember
GOD OF LOVE
and the other half of the time he keeps her in a cardboard box
because remember
ANGUS

and for some reason Etain is not really down with this
so she escapes from the cardboard box
cause Angus didn’t even put any tape on it or anything
and she flies back down to earth
and into a cup of wine
that gets drank by this dude Eochaid
who then gets frisky with his wife
who gets pregnant
and gives birth
to ETAIN
HOLY SHIT BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU DRINK WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO CONCEIVE

so word gets around that this hot chick
(who looks exactly like Etain)
has just been born (fully grown?) to Eochaid
and Midir hears about this
and clearly has not had enough of his wife’s wrath
so he just heads straight over to Eochaid’s house
like HEY BRO I HEAR YOUR DAUGHTER’S A BABE
WANNA PLAY CHESS?
and Eochaid is like HELLL YEAH
at which point Midir begins what is to be
THE SINGLE GREATEST CHESS HUSTLE OF ALL TIME

he starts throwing games
like “Aww man i’m normally not this bad
double or nothing?”
night after night
and every night
while Eochaid contemplates freshly dope strategies
Midir sneaks around to Etain’s window
to tickle on her heart strings with his sexy guitar licks
until finally one day Midir gets sick of losing
and he straight hands Eochaid his ass
and Eochaid is like “double or nothing?”
and Midir is like NO
GIVE ME A GIFT
and Eochaid is like sure
what do you want?
and Midir is like I want to make out with your daughter
and Eochaid is like oh ok
just give me a week to get her ready

so he gets her ready alright
he gets her ready by surrounding her with a fortress
and a whole metric cockblock’s worth of guards
but Midir is a fairy
fairies give less than no fucks about stuff like this
so he just swoops into Etain’s room
gargles her tonsils for a bit
and his tongue is so exquisitely acrobatic
that it magically restores Etain’s memories of all their previous sexytimes
and they go back to fairyland
for further adultery and nonsense

So the moral of the story
is that the real threat to the sanctity of marriage
is magical fairy powers

THE END

THE MAD BEGGAR CHOU TIEN

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This comes courtesy of one of the books on my desk
and also china, I guess

So Chou Tien is a pretty normal dude
but then he turns 14
and he gets the flu so bad he goes crazy
and his family doesn’t want to catch the crazy
so they make him go live on the streets forever

Chou Tien isn’t sad about this, though, cause he’s a crazy person
he just spends all day every day telling everyone how great life is
and every time a new dude becomes president
he just walks into that dude’s office
and he’s like “hey dude
life is great
welcome to being president!”
and the presidents just LET HIM DO THIS
because ancient China predates the secret service

but Chou Tien is wrong
life sucks in china at this point in history
because the mongols are there
and they are not down with the peasants
they are so afraid of a rebellion in fact
that they don’t let anyone have any weapons
and people have to share like 1 kitchen knife per seven houses
I KNOW
IT SUCKS

but so one day this dude name Chu Yuan-chang shows up
to tell the peasants to start killing mongols
and Chou Tien comes up to him like “good times ahoy!”
and Chu is like “I LIKE YOUR STYLE, SIR
PLEASE
COME WITH ME AND BE MY MILITARY ADVISER”
and that is exactly what this crazy homeless guy does

so Chu is about to fight a battle
not with the mongols, mind you
but with another rebel leader
because he uh
he got a little sidetracked
and he’s like “Yo crazy advisor
what are my chances of winning this battle?”
And Chou Tien yanks his head out of a jug of booze
and is like “Good times ahoy!”
and Chu Yuan-chang is like “GREAT!”
and that shit gives him the confidence he needs
to go out there and win the battle
and then become president!
(You should know that when I say president
I actually mean emperor
you cannot become president just by being good at war, guys
that is silly and never happens)

So Chu Yuan-chang is president now
and he’s freaking out
because he’s like “Chou Tien helped me become president
he could destroy me just as easily!
Like … like what if…
what if he starts saying BAD TIMES AHOY?
HOW WOULD I DEAL WITH THAT?
Oh, simple
kill him”
So he has his guards go get Chou Tien
and he’s like “Alright dude, sorry, gonna kill you”
and Chou Tien is like “Aw dude
major party foul
you can’t kill me
I’m immune to fire and water and weapons”
But of course this is exactly the kind of thing a crazy homeless guy would say
so Chu Yuan-chang just ignores him
and the way you ignore people in ancient China
is apparently to put them in a giant iron pot and cook them to death

so seven hours later Chu opens the pot
to try some of the delicious hobo soup he’s been making
except he gets surprised pretty good
cause Chou Tien is still super alive in there
NAPPIN’
And Chu is just like “okay fuck this
get thee to a nunnery”
but he doesn’t mean nunnery
he means buddhist monastery

so Chou is in the buddhist monastery
and all the monks are sposed to keep an eye on him
but a couple weeks later all the monks show up at Chu’s castle
like DUDE
we CANNOT HANDLE this rowdy hobo ANY MORE
shit is IN-TIGGITY-TOLERABLE
and Chu is like alright let me see what’s up
so he goes down to the monastery
and Chou Tien is running around doing mad kickflips and kegstands
tracking dirt all over the noble eightfold path
pissing on everyone’s nirvana
and Chu Yuan-chang suddenly realizes
that he is not going to get anywhere with this guy
and why the fuck did he even hire him in the first place
so he’s like “Hey Chou”
and Chou is like “Yeah Chu?”
And Chu is like “Name anything you want
I will give it to you in exchange for getting the fuck out of my face”
and Chou is like “WHAT A COINCIDENCE
ALL I WANT IS TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR FACE
SERIOUSLY DUDE WHY ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME
I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TELL FANTASY FROM REALITY”
and then he goes away and lives happily ever after
and Chu Yuan-chang kills all his other advisors
because apparently Chou Tien was the only thing keeping him from going off the deep-end

so the moral of the story
is if you want to kill a crazy homeless wizard
use acid
they’re immune to everything else

THE END.

Chicken Little Is a Little High-Strung

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so there’s this chicken
she’s a small chicken and animals don’t understand names
so this little chicken is named Chicken Little
great, off to a grand start
and then Chicken Little is hanging out under a tree
and an acorn falls out of the tree and hits her on the head
and instead of dying or discovering gravity
Chicken Little catapults her whole damn self into PSYCHOBILLY FREAKOUT MODE
so she’s all running around like GUYS GUYS
THE SKY IS FALLING
THE WHOLE DAMN SKY
WHATCHA GONNA DO
and her friend Henny Penny
(who, judging by her name, is tiny, brown, and worthless)
is like I’LL TELL YOU WHAT WE’RE GONNA DO
WE’RE GONNA FLIP OUT AND GO TELL THE PRESIDENT

So that is what they do
and on their way they run into their friend Ducky Lucky
“Lucky” is a kind of a misnomer
because if there was a single wishbone in this poor animal’s body
she would have had the good fortune to totally dodge Chicken Little’s nonsense train
but as it stands
Ducky Lucky stumbles right into fiasco central station
and straight ties herself to the tracks
Chicken Licken and Henny Penny are like THE SKY’S COMING OUT OF THE SKY
and Ducky Lucky is like THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR
MINDLESS PANIC.
TO THE PRESIDENT!!

Then they round up their two other friends
Goosey Loosey, the neighborhood prostitute
and the Turkey Lurkey, the rapist
and then Nostradumbass and her moron quartet
all fly screaming and flailing towards Washington DC

so they get off the airplane in Washington
and they meet this metrosexual fox by the name of Foxy Loxy
and these birds are not very self sufficient
so they decide to ask Foxy Loxy for directions
and Foxy’s all “Don’t worry guys
hop into my windowless van and I will take you right to the president”
Then he eats all the birds in his windowless van.

So the moral of the story
is don’t do a thing
just cause a fox told you to.

THE END.

Odin Starts Acting a Little Zeusy

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(Below this post is a post about how you should buy shirts)

Today’s myth comes courtesy of crafty norse monster
Lisa “Big Bad” Wolfsson
and it is about rape, murder, and technicalities

Okay so Baldur
he’s dead because of some bullshit Loki did
but instead of blaming it on loki
(as anyone who has read the NORSE CRISIS FLOWCHART rightly would)
they decide to blame it on Hodor
the dumb blind idiot who threw a spear into his brother’s chest
… okay I guess that’s fair, though.

Anyway
when you get blamed for shit in norse mythology
you don’t get off with just a slap on the wrist
you get off with a slap in the HEART
and by slap i mean KNIFE
but this raises a serious problem
which is that the norse are duty-bound
to execute this terrible revenge algorithm
wherein any dude who kills another dude
is fair game to be killed by the dead dude’s family
so anyone who kills Hodor to avenge Baldur
is gonna get cut up by Hodor’s family
and then the dude who cut up THAT dude is gonna get cut up
and on and on
til the break of ragnarok

But Odin is no fool
dude gave up his RIGHT EYE to not be a fool
which still seems to me like a pretty fucking foolish thing to do
but maybe that’s why he’s so wise now
like he took his eyeball out of his head
and then dropped it into a well
and was like “damn
that was seriously fucking silly
maybe I should stop making dumb decisions forever”
so what he does
is he digs up this dead chick
and he molests her skull
until she tells him
that what he needs to do
is get some russian princess pregnant
and then force her one-day-old baby to murder hodor
thus absolving everyone of responsibility
…
okay I think maybe the norse just have a different definition of dumb decisions

so Odin dresses up in some armor
and he goes over to russia to seduce this chick
(whose name is Rind)
and he gets mad respect from Rind’s dad by being a sick warrior
and then finally he’s like “hey rind’s dad
i would like to fondle your daughter’s tits”
and the king is like “yeah ok”
and Rind is like “HIGGITY HEL NO”
and smacks Odin right back to Asgard

This is where a wise person might have just abandoned the mission
but Odin is turned on by wanton violence
so instead he disguises himself as a jewelsmith
and goes back to Rind like “Hey girl
I will give you all this sweet jewelry
if you jump up and down on my wang”
but instead of that
Rind proceeds to jump up and down on Odin’s FACE
and not in the sexy way
because apparently not everyone is as much of a goldslut as Freyja

So finally Odin realizes
this chick must be a lesbian
and with that in mind
he disguises himself as a woman
and gets a job as Rind’s chambermaid
but he’s not taking any chances this time
so first he uses some magic runes to make her sick
and then he’s like “Hey king
I have a special potion that will cure your daughter
but it tastes so bad we’ll have to tie her down before i give it to her
and also you have to leave me alone in the room with her
for uh
science”
and the king is like “WHY YES THIS IS NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL”
and then Rind gets mysteriously pregnant!

Fast forward nine months
no sooner has Rind popped out this baby
then Odin is like YOINK
HERE BABY HAVE THIS KNIFE
and he duct tapes a knife to this baby
and throws it at Hodor
who is so bummed about killing Baldur
that he doesn’t even try to avoid the knifebaby
plus he’s blind, I think
and then he’s dead
and no one has the guts to kill a knifebaby
so Odin just totally gets away with this bullshit
and to make up for all the crafty rape
he steals Rind away from all her friends and family
and forces her to live in Asgard forever with her murder child

so the moral of the story
is that he who wants to be without sin
should cast the first knifebaby

THE END.

Gamblin’ Hans

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So there’s this guy Hans
he has a gambling addiction
and this is no normal gambling addiction
this addiction is straight up and no joke
SUPERNATURAL
let me explain:

So one night
two dudes show up at Hans’s house
like “hey man we were just passing through
we need a place to crash for a couple days”
and Hans is like “Sorry dudes
I have literally gambled away 100% of my possessions
I don’t even have food or a bed”
and the two dudes are like “oh that’s no problem”
because what Hans doesn’t know
is that these two dudes
are Saint Peter
and GOD.

Wait
what the fuck
what are these guys doing here
don’t they have more important things to be in charge of
like guarding the gates of heaven
and ADMINISTRATING THE FUCKING UNIVERSE?
and even if they’re on vacation or some shit
one would think that the creator of everything
might be able to secure fancier digs
than a GAMBLING HOVEL
so I guess the only explanation is that this is some kinda test

and sure enough, here comes the test
God gives Hans 20 bucks
and he’s like “alright dude, go get us some pizza”
but on the way to Pizza Hut
Hans passes the casino where he lost all his money
so now it’s decision time:
does Hans go buy pizza for god
or does he spend his 20 bucks on roulette?

GUYS I TOLD YOU HE HAD A GAMBLING ADDICTION
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE DOES
so God and Saint Peter start to wonder where Hans is at
and they go find him at the casino
like “hey what happened to our 20 bucks”
and Hans is like “uh
A BIRD STOLE IT
FUCKING BIRDS, AM I RIGHT?”
and while god DOES hate birds
he knows that Hans is full of shit
so he reaches into his back pocket of divine justice
and he pulls out
ANOTHER 20 DOLLARS
and he gives it to hans
like “Alright dude
watch out for birds this time.”
Wait what?
I thought this was a test
but it turns out it was just that god had too many Jacksons
and he needed some unreliable dude to help him get rid of them

but it turns out sorta okay
because Hans DOES come back with pizza this time
and then they eat their pizza and god is like
“hey man
thanks for the pizza
I probably could have gotten it faster myself
but apparently I am terrifyingly lazy
so as a reward for this errand
how about I give you three wishes?”
and he figures Hans will just wish to get into heaven
because i mean
eternal paradise is a pretty sweet deal
for a ten-minute pizza run
that you DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO PAY FOR
but instead
Hans immediately wishes for
a deck of cards that will never lose
a pair of dice that will always win
and … a fruit tree
that grows any kind of fruit imaginable
and uh
anyone who climbs up it needs his permission to get back down
because honestly
three wishes
is a lot of wishes to use up rationally.

so god is like whatever
and he and saint peter go back home
and meanwhile Hans proceeds to gamble SO HARD
that within a year
he literally owns HALF OF THE OBJECTS ON EARTH
and saint peter is up in heaven
and he’s like “whoah
god
I think we may have started some problems
by giving this pathological gambler infinite luck”
and God is like “whoa really?
why are people even still gambling with this guy?
You’d think they would’ve caught on by now.
Whatever, let’s just send Death after him.”

So death shows up at Hans’s palace
like “Yo dude, time to die”
and hans is like “Yeah man lemme just finish this hand
in the meantime
why don’t you climb up that fruit tree and get us some pineapples”
and death is like DURR OKAY
and then he climbs up the tree
and he can’t get down unless hans says so
so suddenly no one can die
FOR SEVEN YEARS
just like in that other story
and serious overpopulation shit starts to happen
and up in heaven Saint Peter is like “whoa
god
it seems like your death plan kinda backfired”
and god is like “shit, seriously?
why did death even want a pineapple?
we give him all the pineapples he wants down in hell
whatever, i’ll just tell Hans to let death out of the tree”

so God tells Hans to do that
and Hans is like “Okay fine”
and then death jumps out of the tree and strangles him to death
which seems inexcusably inelegant

So Hans dies
and he goes to hell
and he’s immediately like “hey satan
let’s gamble”
and Satan is apparently an idiot
because he agrees
so Hans wins hell
and then he tells all the demons to go ruin heaven
and Saint Peter is like “Whoah
God
it seems that putting a pathological gambler with infinite luck
in the kingdom of ultimate evil
along with another pathological gambler who does NOT have infinite luck
WAS A BAD IDEA”
and God is like “Really?
Shit man, what did Hans even have to bet against Satan with?
Whatever, just let him into heave.”
WHAT

So Hans gets into heaven
and he turns it into a gambling den pretty much immediately
angels are losing their shirts left and right
and that’s great
because have you ever seen pictures of angels?
those guys are fuckin’ CUT
but so Saint Peter looks down on this fiasco
and he’s like “God
buddy
we really need to come up with a more permanent solution for this guy”
and God is like “Well why didn’t you say so?”
And he flings Hans down to earth
and his soul shatters into a million pieces
and the shards all fly into poor unsuspecting dudes
causing gambling addictions
(kind of like how Thetans work)
and that is when Gamblin’ Hans
finally runs out of luck.

So the moral of the story
is there is no justice
only snake eyes

THE END.

THE END.

Oerestes Is a Ladies’ Man

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Whoa guys
I found another play I should have written
Lemme just write it real quick:
(Oh PS I’m gonna start trying to link to my source material on these)

ORESTES BY EURIPIDES

BY FAKE OVID

AHEM

The place is Argos. The time is way-the-fuck-old-times. Electra is here, being dumb because she’s female or something

ELECTRA:
HOLY SHIT I’M SO FUCKING DUMB. IT MUST BE BECAUSE I’M A WOMAN. Oh also my brother Orestes has been crazy for six days now because he killed our mom and I helped. He did that because our mom killed our dad, and she did that because our dad was Agamemnon and he was getting tail from all sides during the trojan war. Oh shit here comes Helen of Troy.

HELEN:
Yo girl you need to get laid

ELECTRA:
Yeah that seems to be working out real well for you so far. Hey how are all those wars you started?

HELEN:
Pretty good. Mostly over now. Hey could you do me a solid?

ELECTRA:
What?

HELEN:
Could you bring these flowers to your mom’s grave for me?

ELECTRA:
What? Why?

HELEN:
Because everyone in the city pretty much wants to kill me. You know, cause of all those wars I started.

ELECTRA:
Fuck you, do it yourself.

HELEN:
Nah. I’ll just make my daughter do it. Her name is Hermione, like in Harry Potter.

So that happens. Oh yeah, and Orestes was napping on the couch this whole time, but now he wakes up

ORESTES:
Hey Electra! I’m not crazy anymore!

ELECTRA:
Dude seriously? You are literally foaming at the eyes

ORESTES:
Oh no you’re right. Still crazy!

ELECTRA:
Fuck this, I’m going inside the castle.

ORESTES:
Wait, we aren’t in the castle? Where the fuck are we, then?

MENELAUS:
No time for that! I’m home from the Trojan war, what’s up?

ORESTES:
Oh not much dude. Just TOTALLY WEASELDICK CRAZY

MENELAUS:
Whoah, why?

ORESTES:
I killed my mom.

MENELAUS:
Go on…

ORESTES:
Dude I straight stabbed my mom in the neck. I’m like overcome with grief

MENELAUS:
I see. When did this grief begin?

ORESTES:
I dunno, probably right around when I set my mom’s corpse on fire.

MENELAUS:
Okay well I’m sure you’ll get over it. Anyway I gotta go bang my hot wife Helen, who everybody hates. See you later.

LATER:

RANDOM SOLDIER:
Holy shit everyone, Orestes just murdered Menelaus’s hot wife Helen, who everybody hates!

EVERYONE:
How unexpected!

RANDOM SOLDIER:
Yeah he was totally stabbing her and then her daughter was there too and then she like disappeared or something and I don’t know I’m pretty high right now. Good thing I escaped all that murder by running away.

ORESTES:
PSYCHE! NO YOU DIDN’T!

SOLDIER:
Oh noooooooo. Hey dude don’t kill me. I think it’s totally cool that you’re killing all these women all the time

ORESTES:
For real? You’re not just saying that?

SOLDIER:
I mean … yeah! Yeah! They totally had it coming or something.

ORESTES:
Sweet! Well, I’m off to go murder more women. Enjoy the rest of your life!

SOLDIER:
You too, buddy.

Menelaus shows up because where the fuck was he all this time

MENELAUS:
Oh no not more bullshit with Helen

ORESTES:
Yeah sorry dude. And now I’m standing on the roof like a supervillain, holding Hermione hostage.

MENELAUS:
Dude don’t kill her, she’s totally defenseless.

ORESTES:
Yeah I know, that’s kind of my thing.

MENELAUS:
Well shit, I’m out of ideas.

So is Euripides! Here comes Apollo, descending from space!

APOLLO:
Hey dudes, it turns out Helen isn’t actually dead. We just noticed that she was causing even more problems and we were like “fuck it, let’s put her in space where she can’t cause any more problems.” So she’s in space now. Sorry about that, Menelaus. You can have Sparta as a consolation prize. Oh and Orestes, you get to marry Hermione.

ORESTES:
Who?

APOLLO:
That girl you were just trying to stab.

ORESTES:
Oh yeah of course. Let’s get married.

EVERYONE:
IT LOOKS LIKE IT ALL WORKED OUT IN THE END.

HERMIONE:
Because women are currency!

CHORUS: The moral of the story is that Euripides probably did not get laid very much.

THE END.

ELVIS LIVES!

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ELVIS LIVES!

Now for those of you who think they don’t make myths like they used to
I offer you one compelling counterexample.
This counterexample is named
ELVIS PRESLEY.
This guy is equal parts Orpheus, Dionysis and Hercules.
(Don’t worry, it’ll all make sense by the end).
I mean, granted, he didn’t start out too great.
Like, his family is super poor
and if I had a nickel for every person who told young Elvis he couldn’t sing
Well, I’d still be nowhere near as wealthy as Elvis
but I’d at least have a little beer money, if you know what I mean.
But when he’s still a wee lad, his parents get him a guitar for his birthday
which he is actually pretty disappointed about
but only because what he really wanted was a GUN
and how American is that?
Anyway, he gets the guitar
and I cannot for the life of me figure out why
but he keeps practicing
even when everyone he runs up on seems intent on finding more and more creative ways
to tell him how bad he sucks.
He just keeps on losing singing contests
and styling his hair with a combination of vaseline and antigravity
until one day he struts into this record studio to record some songs
and he gets DISCOVERED.

Now, there is a reason why this happens
and that reason
is that at this time in ancient American history
white people and black people are not on the best of terms
especially in the south, where Elvis lives.
Like, black people can’t even go to a white people CONCERT, and vice versa.
But there are a bunch of white dudes who REALLY DIG the music black people are making
except they just wish it was a white guy who was singing it, is all
and along comes Elvis, who grew up listening to all this music black people are making
and has, like, the PERFECT VOICE for it
and so the white dudes who own the record label are like “Alright
we can make this work.”

AND MAKE IT WORK THEY DO.
They make it work to the tune of HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS
in a time where a hundred thousand dollars is pretty much an imaginary number
and not only that
but when Elvis starts doing concerts
it turns out that he is also SUPER SEXY
like, he starts waggling his hips because he is actually pretty nervous
but it turns out that with every waggle of his hips
he is also waggling the heartstrings of EVERY LADY IN THE ROOM.
He waggles their heartstrings so hard that they start throwing their underwears at him
and then making him sign his name on their sexyparts
which, in the 1950s, basically means anything above the ankle.
So of course he keeps doing these hip-waggles.
In fact, he starts waggling his hips MORE AND MORE
and it kinda freaks out the people who maybe don’t WANT ladies’ heartstrings getting waggled
like devout Christians and stuff
which is funny, because Elvis is ALSO pretty Christian.
He just happens to be a Christian who likes to waggle his hips is all.

Anyway, all the anti-wagglers in the world are not enough to stop Elvis’s rise to fame.
He gets super rich and well-known, and starts being in movies and stuff
but then DISASTER STRIKES:
Elvis Presley gets drafted into the US ARMY.
But he’s fine with that, because he is a GODDAMN AMERICAN HERO.
So he gets shipped over to Germany for a while
and every time he goes on leave, he pretty much records like a million top-selling records
and meanwhile he uses all of his crazy riches to buy all kinds of sweet gear for his army buddies
like new fatigues, and color TVs, and amphetamines.
He also manages to not get killed, which is good.

Then he comes back home and spends about seven years making TERRIBLE music/movies
until finally he’s like “Wait a second… Didn’t I used to be a total badass or something?”
At which point he puts on a white sequined jumpsuit
fit to outshine the combined glory of Zeus and King Ramses
and he does him some CONCERTS.
I’m sorry, did I say some concerts?
I meant all the concerts.
This guy is pulling off like a hundred and seventy concerts a year!
That is too many concerts!

And as if that wasn’t enough
he is also making constant improvements to his crazy huge mansion on Graceland Ranch
which is located at 3764 Elvis Presley Drive in Memphis Tennessee.
Wait, how is ELVIS FUCKING PRESLEY number 3764 on the street that BEARS HIS NAME??
Well, whatever.
The point is that this house is a modern-day pleasure palace
complete with plush purple drapes
an indoor waterfall
and limitless hamburgers.
Also, Elvis likes to sit in the basement and watch three TVs at once
and then change the channel by shooting the TVs WITH GUNS.
CHANNEL SURFING WITH GUNS IS PERHAPS THE MOST AMERICAN ACTIVITY THERE IS.

And as if THAT wasn’t enough
Elvis also gets wayyy into KARATE.
Yeah, he starts learning all these deadly moves
and jumping around and doing karate chops on stage
and at one point, some dudes try to bum-rush him during a performance
and he BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF THEM BY HIMSELF.
(Also one of his wives ends up cheating on him with her Karate instructor, so there’s that).

But yeah, mostly he’s doing WAY TOO MANY concerts/drugs.
He’s only about 40
but he is on so many drugs that his age is effectively doubled.
It’s like his circulatory system is the party house that everyone went to when you were in college
where they never had time to clean the poop off the walls because of too many parties.
You know what I’m talking about.
Well, even if you don’t, I’m sure Elvis would have.
He’s just stumbling up to the microphone at these concerts
holding on for dear life
and slurring his words like he’s giving a drunken blowjob to a horse.
It’s not pretty
nobody likes it
and his audiences are getting less and less sexy too.

So after selling over seventy-five million records
and topping even more charts with his albums than with his blood-toxicity levels
Elvis finally goes down.
He dies on the floor of his bathroom in Graceland
with about fifteen different drugs in his system
which is pretty legendary on its own.
But what happens afterwards is even more legendary.

So you remember Hercules, right?
You remember how he died, after a long and storied career
because his wife gave him POISON?
But then he didn’t really die
because the gods took pity on him
and put him in SPACE??
Yeah, I think you know where this is going.
Because Elvis may have died of a drug overdose
but he was such a radical musician
that ALIENS took pity on him
and put him
in space.

And to this day, his worshippers perform his rites
dressing in his traditional garb and re-enacting his greatest achievements
holding massive conventions in his name every year
saying prayers and bringing offerings to his final resting place in the meditation garden at Graceland.
And on top of all that
there’s his name
which is
say it with me now:
THE KING.

The end.

Billy the Kid is a Precocious Lad

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So it’s been a while since I’ve talked about America
let’s fix this
starting with a kid named Billy

So Billy gets born in New York City, way back in the day, to an Irish mom and an invisible dad.
He’s a mischievous little bastard
and by the time he’s like 12, he gets a little too mischievous and gets thrown in jail.
But it’s okay, because in addition to being a mischievous bastard
he is also a little bastard, like I said
so he escapes from prison by crawling out of the chimney
and then he goes WEST.

Now the West is a whole mythical realm all on its own
but let it just suffice to say
that at the time this story takes place
the west was pretty much just a glistening repository of guns, guff, and gumption.
So naturally, a mischievous little bastard like Billy is gonna fit right in.
And FIT RIGHT IN HE DOES.
First he shoots a blacksmith who’s trying to push him around
then he runs off and becomes a cattle rustler/cheesemaker
and then after doing that for a while
he gets hired by this lawyer named McSween to GUARD some cattle
because apparently they didn’t do background checks in those days.

But maybe they did do background checks
because as a cattle guard
Billy’s job description is to basically murder all the dudes who work for the OTHER cattle guys
who, granted, are classic mustache-twirling villains
who do things like shoot people
and then shoot their horses
and then cut off the heads of the horses and put them on the heads of the dudes.
Messed up, I know.

So yeah, bullets fly back and forth between these two posses of bad dudes for a while
and both sides do things that are pretty messed up
but the guys Billy is fighting against are way richer and know way more important government dudes
and also Billy makes the mistake of shooting at some US Cavalry
so in the end, he gets indicted
and has to make a plea bargain to get a pardon
where he totally sells out some of the other dudes in his gang.
But when he comes in to testify
THEY TOTALLY JUST ARREST HIM
so he’s just like “Psh, you guys clearly have not heard about me and chimneys.”
Then he climbs out the chimney and rides away on a horse someone brought for him.

So now Billy the Kid is widely known as a seriously bad dude
and the governor of New Mexico starts offering a really sweet reward for his arrest:
FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS.
DUDE.
Five hundred bucks?!
That’s barely enough to buy five hours with a very classy prostitute…
Wait, okay, I see how this could work.

ENTER PAT GARETT
he’s a buffalo hunter
but that does not mean he cannot also hunt DUDES.
Dudes are basically the same as buffalo
except with less legs and more bullets.
Some people say that Pat and Billy used to be best friends
but normally you do not form a posse to go arrest/kill your best friend for a measly 500 bucks.
Usually it takes like 600 at LEAST
So I don’t know.

Anyway, Pat chases Billy around for a while
while Billy is rustling cattle HARDCORE
and also pranking dudes with his guns
like this one time
when he’s hanging out in a bar
and this drunk jerk is like “I AM TOTALLY GOING TO KILL BILLY THE KID.”
Totally unaware of the fact that Billy is RIGHT THERE IN THE BAR.
So Billy walks up to him
and he’s like “Nice gun. Mind if I take a look?”
So the guy gives him the gun
LIKE AN IDIOT
and then instead of just shooting the dude with it, like a normal badass
Billy goes ahead and rotates the barrel so that the next chamber to fire will be empty
and then gives it back to him
and then he’s like “Oh, by the way, I’m Billy the Kid.”
And the guy is like “WHAAAAAAT” and starts shooting at him
but no bullets come out of his gun, obviously
so then Billy kills him
and everyone is like “Well, that was unnecessary
and therefore TOTALLY AWESOME.”

But all awesome things must come to an end.
One morning, Pat Garett tracks Billy and his gang to a little house on the Prairie
and he barricades the door with a dead horse
and then he starts cooking BACON.
And he’s like “Hey Billy, how would you like to come out and eat some tasty bacon?”
And Billy is like “Hey Pat, how would you like to GO TO HELL.”
And Pat is like “Well I’m sorry you feel that way, buddy.
I guess you can just starve to death inside that house of yours.”
But no one can withstand the smell of bacon for long
so eventually Billy and his gang surrender so they can get some breakfast.

Then Billy gets convicted, of course
for a whole bunch of murders
some of which he probably didn’t even commit
but that’s okay, because the number of murders he’s accused of
makes him a TOTAL CELEBRITY
he gets to go to Las Vegas and do interviews!
Granted, he spends a good portion of the interview denying a lot of those very same murders
but whatever, he’s famous!
Unfortunately, it also means that he gets sentenced to death for his crimes
and the prison where he’s being kept until he gets executed
DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A CHIMNEY.
So I guess he’s just boned, huh?

WRONG.
Because this is when Billy the Kid pulls some straight up action hero shit
like, his guards are walking him over to get executed
and he KNOCKS ONE OUT WITH HIS MANACLES
then he steals that dude’s gun, and shoots the other one in the face
after addressing him with a catchy one-liner BY NAME.
He then has to put off his escape for an hour
while he somehow manages to chew through his leg-irons.

But there is a natural law in the old West.
It is called the Conservation of Gumption.
It states that one man cannot hog all of the gumption for too long
before he has to die and let other people have a turn
and that’s why
three months later
Pat Garett finally catches up with Billy in some random house one night
and Billy goes down like a clown to a bullet in the stomach while yelling “Who’s there?” in Spanish.
At the time of his death, Billy is just shy of twenty-one years old
and according to some (wildly inaccurate) estimates
he has killed TWENTY-ONE MEN.
Dude
even if he only killed like five guys
dude has some serious work ethic.
I mean, I’ve already lived longer than he did
and I have yet to kill anything more intimidating than a spider.
Oh well
to each his own.

But I guess maybe that’s the moral of the story
that if you make a career out of killing dudes
eventually you are probably going to be one of the dudes who gets killed
but also
you will be REALLY AWESOME.

The end.