Sup guys

It’s been, what, seven years since I last posted on this website? It’s insane to me that I’ve been alive long enough that seven years feels like a semi-negligible amount of time. When I’m bored on the internet, my fingers still find themselves wanting to type in this url, just to check the comments, see how the latest post is doing. Seven years, and the habit hasn’t left me.

And now I’m back. Why? Well, a lot of reasons. For one thing, I’ve got a couple new projects coming out that I want to tell you about — audiobook versions of Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes and George Washington is Cash Money available on May 23rd, plus a friggin NOVEL available some time in the distant future. But one big reason is that I want the excuse to write again.

Updating the site became a chore towards the end of my run, (mostly because I was trying to crank out myths once or twice a week, and that was an insane thing to be doing) but it also gave me accountability. I couldn’t just dick around with my writing forever, trying to make it perfect. There were hungry eyeballs on the internet, and they demanded to be fed. Hungry eyeballs feels like a mixed metaphor, I probably could have done better, but there’s NO TIME, I’ve got to POST THIS SHIT.

It was also nice to have something to do that wasn’t a big continuous project. Since leaving the site behind I’ve mostly worked on video games (Monster Prom and Holovista being two of the biggest ones) and book-length fiction, stuff that requires years of continuous attention, editing, iterating. I like doing those things, but I miss just writing some shit and posting it, without worrying about what the next chapter is going to look like.

Starting the site back up is also scary, though. Accountability is cool and everything, but it also sucks ass and I hate it. What if I post this, make a big deal out of being back, and then it turns out I don’t want to be back? What if two months from now I run out of ideas, get tired, want to quit? Wouldn’t that be worse than not having tried at all?

Truth is, I’ve thought about doing this for at least a couple of years at this point. And every time I get close, it’s that thought that stops me. What if I don’t have anything to say? What if I do have something to say, but it’s too hard and I’m not up to it? As somebody who struggles with depression, the weight of those questions was enough to keep me down.

UNTIL NOW

I mean, fuck it. How many people even still read this website? Worst case scenario, I disappoint like twelve of you. So here we go.

THIS IS HOW IT’S GOING TO BE ON HERE FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE:

I’m gonna post about once or twice a month. The posts are going to be little essays about storytelling, the internet, and the work of being a writer. You are going to read these posts, and tell me how great I am. And because I know nobody reads websites anymore, I set up a little newsletter that will notify you whenever a new post goes up. You can sign up for that right here:

So hello again, old friends. This should be fun.

Hey guys,

Christmas hit me with an unprecedented violence this year, and I didn’t have time to set up the buffer I would have liked. I’m taking the rest of the year off, and I’ll be back with more 100% original swears and 100% not original mythology in January. In the meantime, if you really desperately need a distraction from your horrible family, you could always read my books, or check out these other Christmas posts I’ve done over the years:

Rudolph

The Twelve Days of Christmas

A Christmas Carol

Twas the Night Before Christmas

Frosty the Snowman

I hope your season is filled with joy or at least chinese food and beer.

It’s been called to my attention that I skipped a post this week without an explanation.

This is a post to let you know that there will be no explanation.
Suffice to say something very bad happened, and it’s taken me a few days to get over it.
I am over it now, and there will be a new post on Saturday.
Thank you for your patience.

– Ovid

Here’s a story for you guys:
once upon a time there was a guy who was in grad school
this guy had the audacity
nay
the bold-faced tiger-punching STUPIDITY
to take on two thesis projects due mere weeks apart
this young man found himself on a mystical journey
on which he would learn the true meaning of fatigue
and that yes, you can work twenty hours a day for a whole week
and subsist on nothing but coffee and beef jerky
as long as you don’t mind your body ragequitting while you’re trying to sew a fake moustache onto a webcam

the moral of the story
is that i feel deep down inside myself
that my eyeballs are bleeding and I need to go to bed
and so there is not going to be a myth today
and I am sorry for that

good night.

Yeah
sorry
it came down to sleeping or writing a shitty myth
I chose sleeping
with the added caveat that when I wake up there will be great myths
instead of shitty ones
but right now I think I hear a sound that means my hands are falling off
from too much not-sleep or whatever
so I gotta go deal with that
before my imminent lack of hands renders me unable to deal with anything at all

the end

Hey guys
sad news:

after I run out of shirts this time around
(and I’m pretty close to doing that)
I will not be selling the Norse Crisis Flowchart shirt anymore
at least not in the foreseeable future.
Here’s why:
first of all, I’m going to be sequestering myself on a farm from the beginning of July through late August. A farm is not the ideal place for making/selling shirts my friends, and this is a fact.
second, after a fiasco with paypal, involving an order that got put off during finals week, then cancelled, then reordered, then put off again, my account is now in trouble, and one more misstep could mean deactivation or at least something gnarly. I don’t want to deal with that right now.
Third, I’m just plain tired of making these shirts right now! If someone was making them for me, that would be different, but I’ve had enough of running to my studio every week to screenprint and keep up with the orders and stuff envelopes and mail these bastards.

So yeah, come get ’em while the getting’s good. I’m already out of Ladies’ mediums, and I only have 1 more each of Ladies’ Larges and Mens’ Xtra Larges.

It’s been a good run, but all good things come to an end.
(Myth later tonight)

Hey guys
did you read the title?
Yeah, that’s what this post is about.
Not much else to say except to perhaps tell you that this week
I learned that you cannot survive indefinitely on five hour energy and poptarts
I also learned that you have to be over 18 to buy five-hour energy shots
which
i dunno
that’s pretty scary
it’s hard for me to expend much mental energy worrying about it though
because right now about a hundred percent of my brain
is devoted to yelling GO TO SLEEP real real loud
so I figure
it’s prolly better not to waste your time with a shitty myth
when what I really need to be doing
is recovering from this clusterfuck
sorry
goodnight
i love you etc.

– Ovid

Okay so bad news first:

no myth today guys
I am sorry I am so sorry
if you could see me you would see that I am throwing myself against my hardwood floor
rending my breast and smearing my face with ash
my excuse is that last night I played a game of my own invention
called let’s see how long I can not sleep so I can finish this short story for class
the good news is I won the game
but that is not the only good news my friends
no no no

see recently I have been laughing my fucking ass off
because all these people have been being like DUDE YOU SHOULD WRITE A BOOK
I WOULD TOTALLY BUY THAT BOOK
and the whole time people have been yelling that at me
I have totally been negotiating a book deal
with the ladies and dudes over at Perigee Books
and right now I am holding the contract in my hands
well I mean not right now right now because I need my hands to type
but the contract is definitely nearby
sometimes I look at it and I lick my lips

so here’s how this is gonna go down
this book is gonna have approximately 75-80 of the choicest myths from this website,
digitaly remastered with my veteran typing fingers
plus like 25-30 brand new never before seen ultramyths
and also bonus content
in the form of a sweet funky index
Retellings of Joseph Campbell’s “Hero with a Thousand Faces” and The Big Bang
and optimally rad illustrations by artiste extraordinaire Sarah Melville
who is the classy lady
who is responsible for anything on this website that doesn’t look like utter shit

but one more thing
and I guess this kind of qualifies as bad news
cause see in order to have time to make this book and still do grad school and shit
I am going to be TEMPORARILY going from 3 updates a week down to 2
instead of being Tuesday Thursday Saturday like normal
it is going to be just Tuesday/Thursday
(this week it will be thursday saturday though because I wussed out today)
I am very very tired and I need a little bit of a break
at least as much of a break as a guy can take
while writing a book and going to grad school
but I assure you, ladies and gentlemen
this new wussified schedule will NOT LAST BEYOND APRIL 2012
which is when the manuscript is due
and maybe less time than that depending on my progress on the book
anyway yeah that’s what’s up
I figured i should give you guys a heads up
so that you could reschedule your entire lives around my new update schedule
so uh
get on that

PS you guys are pretty much the best ever
getting emails from you and reading comments and all that
and really just knowing that this wacky bullshit I spew is getting read
is responsible for like 80% of my daily value of sunshine and unicorn smiles
so basically thank you for putting up with me
there will be more boners and swears on Thursday I promise

Love,
Ovidius Publius Naso

I have been occupying Chicago for the better part of the last 48 hours
(actually more like two months but you know what I mean)
and while I have done the reading necessary to do the next Jesus video
I have not actually been at my computer long enough to record one
and I have slept even less than I have been at my computer.
I hope to record the next video on the street tomorrow in front of the fed
and you can enjoy wacky jesus hijinks then
(also this will not effect regular posts, I promise)
meanwhile
what the fuck are you guys doing reading this shit?
GET OUT THERE AND OCCUPY SOME SHIT.