MORMON DUSK

Hello sailors

today is here the final installment of the big whale story
look in it with your eye

I DID IT
I FUCKING DID IT
THEY SAID IT COULDN’T BE DONE
OR AT LEAST THAT IT SHOULDN’T BE DONE
BUT GUESS WHAT, DOG-BOTHERERS?
IT HAPPENED.

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The Animals on Animal Farm are ANIMALS

Once upon a time there’s this shitty farm called Manor Farm
it’s owned by a shitty farmer
who is really awesome at being a drunk piece of shit
but really terrible at less important things like feeding his animals
so naturally the animals are not in a great mood
and then this ancient pig called Old Major makes everything worse
by calling all the animals together and being like “hey guys
fuck humans, am I right?”
and all the animals are like “RIGHT? RIGHT???”
and Old Major is like “I’m sayin’.
so I feel like like
one of these days
we should take over all the farms from them
and live in harmony and shit.
check it out, there’s even a song about it
it’s called BEASTS OF ENGLAND
you can sing it to the tune of La Cucaracha
and if any of you guys decide to start a dubstep collective
you should call it Beats of England OH MY GOD THAT WOULD BE SO SICKKKKK
speaking of sick, I have to die now
good luck with the revolution!”

So then Old Major dies
and farmer Jones keeps being a drunk asshole
and finally the animals are just like “fuck this”
and they kick his ass out of his farm and rename it “Animal Farm”
(because animals are bad at names.)
The main animals who kick him out are these three little pigs
named Snowball, Squealer, and Napoleon
Snowball is a really excitable dude with all kinds of rad plans
Squealer is really good at talking people into shit
and Napoleon is a thinly veiled metaphor for Stalin
so these guys take all the cool stuff that Old Major said
and they turn it into seven animal commandments:

1. If they got two legs, fuck ’em
2. If they got four legs or wings, only fuck ’em in the good way.
3. ABN: Always Be Naked
4. No sleeping in beds. You can still sleep in your own shit though.
5. No booze.
6. No killing each other.
7. All animals are equal.

Honestly, other than the first 2 rules
these are probably rules I would make for my own animals
I don’t want ducks sleeping in my bed or drinking my booze
have you seen ducks?
They shit EVERYWHERE.

Anyway the farm goes pretty well for a while
the animals are excited to be farming for themselves
even though farming is hard without thumbs
but then the pigs start pulling all this sly bullshit
like taking all the milk and apples for themselves
because they “need it for thinking”
and then all these adorable puppies get born
and Napoleon takes them all away for “private re-education”
(which better not be code for dogfucking)
plus it turns out sheep are too dumb to learn all the rules
so Napoleon boils it down to “FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BAD”
and teaches them to yell it like ALL THE TIME
it is SO ANNOYING.
Around this time some humans attack the farm
and Snowball just totally fucks them to death
by being a superior tactician and a total badass
and despite getting shot basically in the head.
Also there’s this horse named Boxer who does a good job
he’s important later.

So Snowball gets an award for being good at violence
and I guess awards make snowball crazy
because suddenly he is all about this insane plan to build a windmill
it’s like fuck improving crops
fuck the revolution
let’s build a goddamn windmill
(honestly that’s how I feel every day of my life
but that’s exactly why I’m not in charge of an animal rebellion)
Napoleon fucking HATES this plan
and he says so constantly
but Snowball keeps going with it
until finally Napoleon is just like “OKAY, SHOW’S OVER
SNOWBALL, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DEBATE
AGAINST MY NINE LOYALLY TRAINED HOUNDS?”
Yeah, remember when he took those dogs away for “reeducation”
it turns out he didn’t have sex with any of them
he just brainwashed them into RUTHLESS KILLING MACHINES
so he chases Snowball away
and then he’s like “Okay, so from now on
you guys don’t get to vote on anything
the pigs make all the decisions
and I make all the decisions for the pigs.”
and maybe people would have argued, but dogs.

But then suddenly Napoleon is like “OK GUYS WE GOTTA BUILD A WINDMILL”
and everyone is like what the fuck
i thought you hated windmills
and he’s like “THE WINDMILL WAS MY IDEA THE WHOLE TIME
SNOWBALL STOLE IT BECAUSE HE IS THE ACTUAL DEVIL
IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG EVER IT IS HIS FAULT”
and everyone is like “Ohhhh that makes sense.”
so they start building the windmill
but it falls down because ANIMALS CAN’T BUILD WINDMILLS
so they start building it AGAIN
but by this time there is a food shortage
because, let me reiterate
they are wasting all their time building a FUCKING WINDMILL
but Napoleon doesn’t want the humans to know they’re hungry
so he’s just straight up lying to the one human dude who comes around
like “OH MAN YEAH, WE GOT SO MUCH FOOD
SOMETIMES WE JUST SET IT ON FIRE FOR NO REASON
LIKE WHATEVER, IT’S JUST FOOD.”
and the human is apparently as dumb as all the other animals
because he believes Napoleon’s shit.

But a steady diet of total bullshit is not enough to feed all the animals
so suddenly
MYSTERIOUSLY
it turns out that the evil Snowball has come back
and infected dozens of the animals with his EVIL LIES
so they all confess to Napoleon
who publicly murders them with his dogs for justice
and hey, that ration problem is solved now so that’s good too.
But then one of the horses, named Clover
is like wait a second
didn’t we have a rule against killing animals?
so she goes to the shed where they painted all the rules
but now suddenly it says “No killing animals
EXCEPT FOR VERY GOOD REASONS”
so she’s like oh, whatever that’s fine

Shit gets way worse after that
like they even outlaw singing that “Beasts of England” song
in favor of a song about how great animal farm is
and people keep confessing to weird shit and dying
and everybody is hungry
but it’s okay because then they finish the windmill
but then it’s not okay because Napoleon sells all their firewood
for a stack of fake paper money so he can buy booze
and then the farmer he sold it to shows up with guns and bombs
and blows up their windmill
so now it has exploded TWO TIMES
and since the windmill was the only thing that didn’t suck about animal farm
the animals are pretty sad

but there is this one horse I mentioned before
named Boxer
who is GREAT AT WORKING
and he’s like “IT’S FINE GUYS
LET’S JUST WORK HARDER AND BUILD A THIRD WINDMILL”
but he’s getting to be kind of old
and he has already built two goddamn windmills
so one day he falls down and can’t get up
and Napoleon is like “Oh dang
time to send him to the hospital
by which I definitely do NOT mean sell him to the glue factory
nope nope nope.”
then he buys whiskey with the horse money.

So then Clover’s like “Hey wait a second
didn’t we have a rule against boozing?”
so she goes and looks
but it turns out it really said “No booze
IF YOU’RE A WEENIE.”
so that’s an easy mistake to make.

Anyway time passes
and shit pretty much sucks for everybody but the pigs and their dogs
but nobody complains too much
because it must be better than when the farmer was there, right?
and at least there are no humans on the farm, RIGHT?
but then one day Clover is hanging out by the farmer’s house
(oh yeah, the pigs moved into the farmer’s house
and they sleep in beds
so that rule is out the window too)
when the pigs come sauntering out
on TWO LEGS
DUDE I THOUGHT THERE WAS A RULE AGAINST THAT TOO
ALSO THEY ARE WEARING CLOTHES
WHAT THE FUCK, THAT’S NOT COOL
THESE PIGS HAVE NOW BROKEN LITERALLY EVERY RULE
except wait a second
back in the barn where the rules are
it just says “ALL ANIMALS ARE EQUAL
BUT SOME ANIMALS ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS”
it turns out squealer has been changing the rules THIS WHOLE TIME
this is why you always time stamp your edits.

That night Napoleon invites all the human farmers over
and they all get wasted together and play cards
and the other animals are hanging around dropping mad eaves
and one of the farmers is like “Dude, Napoleon
you are such a good farmer
your animals work harder for less food than ANY OTHER ANIMALS
what’s your secret?”
and Napoleon is like “Uh, totalitarianism?”
and everyone is like “HAHA YEAH!”
and the animals are like “Oh god dammit
are we in a thinly veiled allegory about Russia’s gradual slide into totalitarianism under Stalin?
Fuuuuuuck
why couldn’t we be in a whimsical story about running away and forming a band or something?
this ALWAYS HAPPENS.
But it’s too late
the metaphor is complete
the pigs look exactly like the humans now and everything is terrible.

The moral of the story, of course
is that nothing good ever came of building a windmill
just ask Don Quixote.

The end.

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Ravens are Shitty Houseguests

Ugh so this one time I was in my dorm
it was like midnight
I was cramming for this shitty test
but I wasn’t even really paying much attention tbh
because I was hella sleepy
plus my girl Lenore had just dumped me or died or something
I don’t know exactly, college was kind of a blur…

Anyway all of a sudden I hear someone tapping on my door
and I’m like “who the fuck is it?
just knock like a normal person!”
but it just stops
so I go back to pretending to read
and then it starts again
but like, louder
so I go to the door and I throw it open and I’m like “Is that you Steve?
fuck you Steve
I have a test tomorrow
and I don’t wanna have to take a break from studying to kick your nuts
my time is precious, Steve.”
But nobody is there
not even Steve.
It’s a fucking mystery.

So I close the door and go back to my desk
but then there’s a noise at my WINDOW
and I’m like “There’s no way Steve climbed all the way up here
just to fuck with my window
it’s prolly just the wind”
but I’m pretty freaked out, you know
because I opted for the single occupancy dorm like an idiot
and now everything sounds like murderers
so I’m like “Okay, okay
just gonna open the window and see what’s up
and then laugh when it turns out to be nothing
WHICH IT DEFINITELY WILL.”

So I open the window
and a fucking RAVEN flies in
and lands right on this marble bust of Athena i got to impress chicks with
and I’m like “whoa
a bird
what’s your name, bird?
Did Steve send you?
That fucking guy.”
and the bird is just like “NEVERMORE.”
And I’m like “Wait, what?
Does that mean Nevermore is your name
or that Steve did not in fact send you
because I’m pretty sure both of those are lies.”
and the raven is like “NEVERMORE”
and I’m like “oh, okay, I get it
that’s just the only word you can say.
Man, whoever owns you must be emo as fuck.”
But then I start thinking
holy shit, a talking emo bird
I am going to be like
the coolest dude on campus
all the chicks are going to be so enticed.
But then I remember my ex Lenore
and how she died or broke up with me or whatever
and I start getting all moody
and I’m like “Hey bird
how’s Lenore doing?
Is she having a good time?”
and the raven is like “NEVERMORE”
and I’m like “Dang, that’s harsh.
Tell me, bird, am I ever gonna get laid again?”
and the bird is like “NEVERMORE”
and I’m like “FUCK YOU YOU FLAPPY DIPSHIT
I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I ASKED YOU
GET OUT OF MY ROOM”
But that raven just looks me right in my hominid face
with his beady soulless eyes
and he’s like “Nevermore.”

So now I have this bird in my room forever.
He’s gloomy as fuck
and not nearly as useful for getting laid as I hoped
so I guess the moral of the story
is don’t let birds into you fucking room.
Come on, this is basic stuff.

The end.

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Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde is Really About Meth

Since it’s Halloween in a couple minutes
i figured i’d tell you a SPOOKY TALE.
It’s about big pharma.

Ok so there are these two dudes
Utterson and Enfield
(don’t worry
there will be more dudes)
and these dudes are walking through London
and they see this shitty door
and Utterson is like “Wow, what a shitty door”
and Enfield is like “I know, right?
One time I saw a shitty dude go into that shitty door.”
And Utterson is like “Ooh tell me more.”
So Enfield is like “Okay well it was 3AM
and I was coming home from a party
and I’m all alone on this street when I see this girl running
and coming towards her from the opposite direction is this dude
just strutting down the street
and the two of them run into each other because they’re dumb I guess
and then the dude
just calmly WALKS OVER HER FACE
THIS GIRL IS TEN YEARS OLD
BRO STOMPED ON A TODDLER.
Also, he looks like a dick
I can’t explain exactly why, he just does.

“So I grab him and I’m like dude
you put your feet on a child’s face
you have to give her money for that
and he’s like sure, whatever
and then he leads me to this shitty door
the one we’re looking at right now
and he goes in and comes back out with a fat check
signed by a famous and important dude
whose name i won’t mention because I’m a gentleman.
WTF though, right?”

and Utterson is like “Yeah, seriously.
What was that jerk’s name, though?”
and Enfield is like “Edward Hyde. Why?”
And Utterson is like “OH BALLS I KNOW WHO THE RICH DUDE IS.”
BACKSTORY:
Utterson is a lawyer
and he is besties with this doctor named Henry Jekyll
who made Utterson draw up this insane will
that just said “Hey if I die
OR DISAPPEAR FOR ANY REASON
give all my money and whatnot to MISTER EDWARD HYDE.”
and at the time Utterson was like “Dude who is this Hyde guy
is he your gay lover?
I mean it’s cool if he is
we all have gay lovers around here
that’s what “bachelor” is code for in these parts
but like
I don’t think it’s a good idea to leave him ALL your money
no matter how good his dick tastes”
and Jekyll was just like “FUCK YOU YOU’RE NOT MY DAD.”

And Jekyll is right
Utterson is not his dad
(although wouldn’t that be a crazy plot twist?)
so Utterson lays off
until he finds out that Mister Hyde is a child-stomping chode
at which point he decides maybe he IS Jekyll’s dad
and starts camping out by the shitty door every night
just WAITING for Hyde to show up
and finally he does
and Enfield is right
he really DOES look like a dick
in fact he looks like such a dick
it’s his only defining trait
dudes keep seeing him all over the city
and when asked to describe him they’re all like “Well he’s kind of small
and he just looks like a dick
like, there’s nothing specifically wrong with his face or anything
it’s just like if teabagging was a face you could have
that’s the sort of impression you get when you look at this dude’s face.
then he punches you in your face and teabags you.”

anyway it turns out this shitty door is a back door to Doctor Jekyll’s lab!
GASP!
So Utterson goes to Jekyll and he’s like “Ok bro
I don’t know if you know this
but that Hyde guy you left all your money to?
He’s a guy who stomps children in the face
he’s a child-stomper
also he looks like a dick.”
and Jekyll is like “Haha oh that guy
he’s a rascal, alright
but don’t worry
I’ve got EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL.
WINK.”
Guys
can you think of one single time
when you have EVER FOUND A WINK REASSURING?
I feel like I only get winked at by people who are trying to sex my butt or sell me drugs
winking has become a tool of the creepy and the lawless.
we need to take back the wink, my friends
next time someone holds the elevator door for you
don’t just thank them
thank them and WINK
and then be stuck in the elevator with them for several floors.

Anyway, Utterson somehow manages to be reassured by Jekyll
and drops the whole thing FOR A YEAR
at which point the only female character in the entire story
calls the police and tells them mister hyde just beat some random dude to death
with a cane
in the middle of the street
and when I say random
I mean this guy walked up to mister hyde and was like “Hey
do you know the way to the post office?”
and Mister Hyde was like “I KNOW THE WAY TO THE *DEAD* OFFICE
WINK”
and then clubs him lifeless
with DOCTOR JEKYLL’S SWEET-ASS WALKING CANE.
Then he straight up disappears.

So Utterson goes over to Jekyll’s place
and he is like “I am your best bro and also your lawyer
and as such I just want to say
YOU HAVE TERRIBLE TASTE IN FRIENDS.”
and Jekyll is like “I know dude I know
Ed Hyde is a problem machine
but don’t worry
he’s gone now
for good.
WIIIIIIIIIINK.”
and Utterson is like “Well the last time you winked at me it was a disaster
but you winked way harder this time so okay.”

And for a while, shit goes back to normal
Jekyll invites everyone over for dinner parties and it’s great
but then all of a sudden he stops having parties of any kind
and in London at this time that is a SERIOUS PROBLEM
so Utterson keeps trying to go hang out
but Jekyll just keeps being like NOPE STAY AWAY
until finally Utterson gives up and is like “Welp
I guess that’s why my momma always told me never to make friends with crazy people.”

But then one day Jekyll’s butler shows up at Utterson’s house
and he’s like “AAAAAA DUDE
JEKYLL IS BEING WEIRD AND IT’S FREAKING US OUT
ACTUALLY I DON’T EVEN THINK HE’S AROUND ANYMORE
I THINK MISTER HYDE KILLED HIM
AND IS NOW HIDING IN HIS LABORATORY
PRETENDING TO BE HIM.”
and Utterson is like “FUCK YEAH LET’S RAMBO THAT LITTLE DICKBOAT OUT OF THERE”
and the butler is like “ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR”
(in my head a lot of the great classics turn into Rambo about 3/4 through)

So they bust in
and Mister Hyde is in there
but he’s just like “NOOOOO” and kills himself
and they’re trying to figure out what he did with Doctor Jekyll
but they can’t figure it out because all the doors are locked
so finally they give up and start reading his mail
which is when they find this letter to Utterson
like
“Dear Utterson
You are in my will now instead of mister Hyde.
Okay, now I’m going to tell you some TOTALLY INSANE SHIT
so before continuing
you should read the letter our mutual friend sent you
you know, the doctor we always used to hang with
who delivered you a letter only to be opened in the event of my death
and then died
after he and I abruptly stopped being friends.”

So Utterson reads the letter and it’s like
“Ok dude, Jekyll and Hyde are the same person
try to act surprised
Hyde showed up at my house one night and made me make him these drugs
and then he took them and turned into Jekyll
and I was like dude
this is exactly why I stopped hanging out with you.”

So then Utterson reads Jekyll’s letter and it’s like
“Yeah dude I’ve been Hyde the whole time
basically what happened
was I realized that I wanted to be a good dude
but I also wanted to party harder than a voltron made of rockstars
and it’s hard to do both of those things and still be virtuous
so I made a drug that turns me into ultimate party douchebag
AKA Mister Hyde
so I could get it all out of my system and then be virtuous the rest of the time.
Mister Hyde is pure evil
because partying is evil and we know this.
Then I made another drug to turn me back into boring-ass Doctor Jekyll
but the problem is
being a jerk-faced partylord is WAY MORE FUN
so I kept doing it all the time
and then the antidote stopped working
and I just started going into beast mode at random times
just like, whenever
and then I killed that dude
and now I’m basically fucked
because Hyde is scared shitless of the police
and I don’t wanna go to jail either
so we’re just hiding in my lab
steady running out of drugs
(even though Hyde could prolly take all my money and move to Florida or something
dunno why he doesn’t do that
but I prolly shouldn’t let him read this in case he figures it out.)
but uh … at least you get all my money?”
And he’s right, and Utterson is rich forever.

So the moral of the story
is that friends don’t let friends do science.

The end.

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The Jabberwocky, OR: The Monstrous, Talkative Chicken

Try to keep up.

It was cold and muggy, and those weasely toves
were all jumping around and touching each other’s butts down by the river
the borogroves were drunkenly reminiscing about their childhoods
and the mome raths were screaming their faces off
(we live in a loud and inappropriate place
pretty sure it’s because we name our animals shit like “mome raths”)

then this old man was like:
“Son, it’s time I told you about the birds and the bees
the birds are called jub-jub birds
and the bees are not bees
they are an unstoppable hivemind called the Bandersnatch
which sneaks up behind you and grabs your taint
plus it’s frumious
which means it’s always angry and slightly on fire.
When these two creatures combine
they form a terrifying voltron known as THE JABBERWOCK(Y)
just stay the fuck out of the woods, basically
there’s no normal animals in there anyway
it’s all this nonsense shit.”

But this kid is immune to good advice
so he grabs an imaginary sword
and spends hours searching for this stanky-assed forest beast
until he gets tired
and decides to rest near one of those trees they use to make stomach medicine

He’s terrible at thinking though
one might even call him uffish
so he’s still thinking, when THE JABBERWOCK APPEARS
ITS EYES ARE ON FIRE
IT’S SWIFTER THAN A WHIFFLE BALL
(hurled by an expert at whiffle ball)
AND IT SOUNDS LIKE A CAULDRON FULL OF DRUNK FROGS

But see the reason this kid is so bad at thinking
is that he’s put all his imagination into making this sword
and that actually makes it a pretty good sword
other than it makes food noises when it kills things
and that’s exactly what it does
it takes that jabberwock’s uggulacious head straight off
and this kid is so hyped by his victory
he picks up that stangly head
and for the whole walk home
he pretends he’s a horse

then he gets home and his dad’s like:
“HOLY SHIT, YOU KILLED THAT?
YOU SMILE TOO MUCH AND I’M PRETTY SURE YOU’RE AN IDIOT
BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY YOU ARE A MAN NOW
LET’S GET SO DRUNK WE DON’T KNOW WHICH WORDS ARE REAL
AND THEN NAME SOME MORE ANIMALS.”

So yeah,
it was a pretty shitty day, weather-wise
and those filthy toves were playing grabass by the water
the borogroves were nostalgic
and the mome raths were hella loud.
Basically
nothing changed
except an extra thing was dead.

The moral of the story
is that violence doesn’t solve anything
but don’t tell your dad that
because you can still use it to trick him into loving you.

the end.

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Chauntecleer is Really Well Read For a Rooster

So my dad
who is a professional story guy
is doing a send-up of the Canterbury Tales over at the Getty Museum in LA
if you live there you should go to it
but if you don’t
DON’T EVEN WORRY
I GOT THIS SHIT COVERED:

so it’s been a while since i talked about the Canterbury Tales
when we last left off
I think some farm guy got drunk
and told a story about people putting their tongues in each other’s buttholes
after that, some people got really offended
and their response was to tell some MORE stories
about even MORE tongues in even DIRTIER buttholes
until finally, the innkeeper
who, if you recall, is the dude who got everybody started telling stories to begin with
is like whoah whoah guys come on
we need to class up this pilgrimage a little
cause uh
christianity?
so lemme bring our next teller up to the mic
his name is daun Piers, and he is a MONK
not only that, he’s got MUSCLES
are you guys ready for this pilgrimage to get classy as fuck?
man I’m fuckin ready as shit
let’s do this

but PLOT TWIST
it turns out that “classy” is just another word for “boring”
(i thought we all knew this)
so the monk just drones on for like a billion millenia
about sadness and clouds and bad fortune and whatever
until everybody is like whoah dude
we wanted you to tone it down a little
but not to sub-audible levels
i mean if it weren’t for the dappled sunlight straight strobing off your oiled muscles
we would have fallen asleep HOURS ago
tell us a different story
something funny
maybe with some tongues and buttholes in it

and the monk is like
NO
ONLY SADNESS

so everybody is like ok then
new teller
SIR JOHN THE PRIEST
READY SET GO

so John may be a priest
but he knows how to read a crowd
he does not even try for that melancholy shit
he goes straight for a story he knows everyone will love
one with violence, treachery, and a huge cock

the cock’s name is Chauntecleer
he lives in a harem of seven hens
who are also, according to John, his sisters?
I mean okay, I guess this is mythology, so whatever
but they all straight up LOOK LIKE HIM
he’s boning his TWINS, pretty much
which is, you know, kind of my fantasy
but as I learned long ago
that does not make it healthy or okay

but leaving aside the rooster’s incestuous tendencies
he’s got one hen who he loves the most
her name is Pertelote
because this is Olde England
and they didn’t have TV so they had to give fucked up names to their animals
and Pertelote loves Chauntecleer the best as well
because it’s not like she has choices

so the two of them are sitting next to each other in the roost one night
when Chauntecleer wakes up like HOLY MOTHER OF GOD
I JUST HAD THE MOST HORRIBLE DREAM
A FOX ATE ME
and Pertelote is like aw hell no
If I wanted to sleep next to a pussy, there are six other perfectly good ones in here
I do not need you to be developing your own proprietary form of vagina up in here
here is a science fact:
dreams are bullshit
now take a chill pill
(and by chill pill she means laxative
seriously, that’s part of the OG text
I have no idea why
I guess people used to have to shit out their bad dreams in the olden days)
and get the fuck back to sleep

but Chauntecleer is not gonna take that kind of guff
guff is not a commodity valued by roosters
so he’s like BITCH
DREAMS ARE NOT BULLSHIT
Like, I read a book once
where this guy had a dream that his friend was gonna die
and then in the morning his friend was DEAD
and buried in POOP
(well played, Sir John
way to work poop into your story all sly
you truly are a man of god)
Then Chauntecleer cites like ten more stories
from the bible and the metamorphoses and whatever else he can think of
all of which have the same basic moral:
DREAMS ARE TERRIFYING AND YOU WILL DIE

and Pertelote is like
aw HELL no
you’re a ROOSTER, dude
what the fuck are you doing reading BOOKS?
are you telling me I’ve been hooking up with a pussy
who is ALSO A NERD??
UNACCEPTABLE
and Chauntecleer is like no wait baby it was all a joke haha
i am not afraid even a little bit at all
let us go into the yard and eat corn and frolic fearlessly
and Pertelote is like that’s more like it
come over here and put your tongue in my butthole

so they get it on
HARD
they actually have sex twenty times before sunrise
and by the time they’re done ruffling each other’s feathers
Chauntecleer has completely forgotten about his bad dream
because let’s be honest
if somebody was down to let me do them twenty times before the sun came up
I would probably lose my fear of death too

so he’s wandering around
in the stupid way roosters do
(god I hate roosters
did you know I used to have a rooster
one day I put some food in my hand and held it out to him
and he BIT MY FUCKING HAND
HE LITERALLY BIT THE HAND THAT FEEDS HIM
so i killed him and made him into tacos)
and there’s a fox hiding in the bushes nearby
and Chauntecleer spots him and is like OH SHIT
but the fox is like dude chill out
I too am a talking animal, and so you have nothing to fear
I’m just here because I wanna hear you sing, buddy
yeah see, I’m a friend of your dad’s
(^^A THING THAT CHILD MOLESTERS SAY^^)
and your dad used to come over all the time and sing for me
and it was so pants-shittingly beautiful
that I decided to track you down and hide near your house
in the hope that you would discover me and then i could ask you to sing
make sense?
and Chauntecleer is like OF COURSE IT MAKES SENSE
EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE WHEN IT TAKES THE FORM OF A COMPLIMENT DIRECTED AT ME
AHEM:
IS THIS THE REEEEEAL LIIIIIIFE
IS THIS JUST FAAAANTASY
CAUGHT IN A *gak* oh god

that last part is not a clever addition to Queen’s classic rock anthem
it is a thing Chauntecleer says because the fox has his mouth on Chauntecleer’s throat
and all the hens are going bonkers about it
and the lady whose farm it is comes outside
with all her weapons and shit
and the fox is like oh shit gotta go
and Chauntecleer
(who remember, is actually pretty well educated)
takes the opportunity to enact a brilliant scheme
he’s like What’s the matter, fox?
are you afraid of some hens and a lady farmer?
What are you, chicken?
Man, if I were you, you know what I’d do?
I’d turn around and I’d look them in their stupid female eyes and be like
“MY NAME IS FOX AND I DON’T GIVE NO FUX”
and the fox is like OH MY GOD THAT’S A BRILLIANT IDEA
but he has to open his mouth to say those things
so Chauntecleer escapes and flies up a tree

so now it’s the fox’s turn to be clever again
he looks up at Chauntecleer and he’s like aww dude
I understand why you might have freaked out just now
but i was only carrying you by the neck with my teeth
in order to bring you to my HOUSE so we could HANG OUT
and Chauntecleer is like dude
fool me once
shame on you
fool me twice
still shame on you
you’re an asshole
I don’t want to hang out with you
Then he goes home and bangs all the hens a hundred more times

So the moral of the story
is that it would be awesome if roosters could talk
then you could explain things to them
like morality and common sense
and how you shouldn’t fucking BITE SOMEONE’S HAND IF THEY’RE TRYING TO GIVE YOU FOOD
I mean WHAT THE HELL, RIGHT?
THAT’S LIKE THE CLASSIC EXAMPLE OF A THING YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO
AND IF MY ROOSTER HAD BEEN EVEN HALF AS LITERATE AS THIS MOTHERFUCKER
HE MIGHT HAVE KNOWN THAT SHIT

also rooster meat tastes like boiled ass.

the end.

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HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEEN

Yeah ok I know it’s not technically Halloween
but there seems to be this weird, totally agreed-upon rule
that in the Adult World
(by which i mean the period of time
between when you can legally purchase alcohol
and when you begin actually having life responsibilities)
That regardless of when Halloween is
it is actually on a Saturday
because i guess most people in the Adult World
have foolishly organized their lives in such a way
that they can’t just be drunk and wearing sexy nurse outfits ALL THE TIME
yeah, fuck, right?
I totally got taken by surprise
much like the dude in this story you’re about to hear

MEET ICHABOD CRANE
he is one of those dudes who has the misfortune
of having a name that perfectly captures how ugly he is
dude is seriously like a scarecrow with body image issues
and not the kind of body image issues a scarecrow SHOULD have
i mean like the really really fashionable kind of body image issues
hey have you noticed that nobody ever seems to have like
reverse anorexia?
like where no matter how much they eat
they just don’t feel fat enough?
My suspicion is that these sorts of people do in fact exist
but that there existence is being covered
by MacDonalds and the liberal media

anyway, Ichabod Crane definitely doesn’t have reverse anorexia
although he is kind of disturbingly obsessed with food
but we’ll get to that
right now what is important is that he is a schoolteacher
in a tiny dutch town called Sleepy Hollow
which sounds like a really cutesy euphemism for daterape
and all the hot babes are totally into him
because he knows how to read and READING IS SEXY
DO YOU HEAR THAT LADIES?
WASHINGTON IRVING SAID IT IT MUST BE TRUE
COME OVER TO MY HOUSE I OWN AT LEAST LIKE FOUR BOOKS.

okay so anorexia, schoolteacher, hot bitches.
done done and done
what else do I need to tell you before we get to the murder part?
(^Spoilers)
Oh ok yeah
So even though Ichabod Crane has his pick of the crop
as far as ladies are concerned
(and also as far as actual crops are concerned
cause he gets to live with the farmers and totally mooch off them
and actually I think Ichabod views ladies and crops kind of the same
like he is always looking at pumpkins and imagining pies
and then looking at ladies and imagining giant lady-pies
in fact I think Ichabod Crane might be a cannibal
WOULDN’T THAT BE SPOOKY?)
he sets his grotesque bug-eyed sights on the hottest lady of them all
I don’t remember her name
I doubt Ichabod does either
considering the fact that he describes her to himself as
“plump as a partridge;
ripe and melting and rosy cheeked as one of her father’s peaches…”
Anyway, what’s important is that she is hot
or at least delicious
and also her dad is fucking loaded
with huge tracts of land
covered in all kinds of idyllic dutch farmer shit
most of which is also edible
which is a big plus for Ichabod Crane’s VORACIOUS METABOLISM
oh hey did I tell you this guy likes food?
He likes food guys
he uh
he really enjoys it.

but the problem is that this hot chick is also being courted
by Gaston from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast
except he’s dutch now for some reason and his name is Brom Bones
whatever
history is crazy sometimes
just go with it
But this strapping hunk of man can do nothing to stop Ichabod
despite a truly vicious campaign of practical jokes
because Ichabod gets himself hired as the chick’s singing instructor
and quickly goes about establishing a totally inappropriate student-teacher relationship.

all of this comes to a head one night
when Hot Chick’s dad has a really bangin party at his place
and Ichabod gets all dressed up and heads over
and busts such incredibly sick moves on the dance floor
that he is briefly mistaken for Shiva
and he is wowing Lady Hotness so hard
he is certain that tonight is the night he’s gonna get some
(and by “get some”
I mean “inherit all her lands
then sell it all and move to Kentucky”
because oh yeah
Ichabod is kind of a dick)
but then SOMETHING happens
I don’t know what it is
maybe he takes his dick out too soon
maybe he tells her she is a plump partridge and she takes it wrong
but whatever it is
by the end of the night Hotness makes it very clear that she is not going to take it any way at all
wrong or otherwise
and Ichabod has to get back on the shitty horse he stole from some farmer he’s staying with
and ride home in the spooky darkness

oh fuck guys I forgot all this backstory i was sposed to tell you
okay real quick
there’s a dude around here who rides on a horse and has no head
they say he got his head shot off with a cannonball in the war
but that’s bullshit
how would he still be alive
anyway, Ichabod is riding through the woods and he sees that guy
and he’s all “OH SHIT” and starts trying to get away
but his shitty horse malfunctions
and the horseman hits him in the head with a pumpkin and he dies
or at least disappears
although later some people say they saw him in New York
running for political office
which i guess fits
plenty of vampires in politics
oh and also Brom Bones acts really shady about the whole thing
so uh
who knows what happened!

I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
Ichabod Crane failed to spit sufficient Game
and the universe punished him for his lack of mojo
WITH DEATH

and that, my friends, is the moral of the story
so tonight, when you find yourself rubbin up against a nice honey
with whatever sexy bumps or nodules you find particularly attractive
remember
that if you do not spend the night at this person’s house
TONIGHT
you will be murdered on your way home by ghosts.

THE END.

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