Author Archives: Ovid

Indian Nuns are HARD-CORE

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I can’t
I can’t even like
begin to introduce this myth
I just have to tell it to you
ready set go:

So buddha comes to Benares, right?
remember that, it’ll be important later
but meanwhile there’s this nun who really likes sick people
I mean she really likes helping sick people
nobody likes sick people
sick people are gross
but anyway this nun goes through this big ol shack full of sick people every day
and she’s like hey sick people
what’s up
how can i help you
and today there is a monk in there
who is sick because he fasted too hard, like an idiot
and he’s like oh please miss nun
I am suffering from a disease known as
severe meat deficiency
if you could hook me up with some meat broth, I won’t be sick anymore
HOLY SHIT
BEING A DOCTOR WAS FUCKING EASY IN THE PAST
YOU CAN BUY MEAT BROTH IN THE STORE

except no you can’t
it turns out that today is “No-Meat Wednesday” in Benares
and nobody can buy any meat
so the nun is like what the fuck do I do
this guy is going to die and it’s all my fault
oh I know
how about I cut off MY OWN FUCKING THIGH
and make soup out of it
YES
GENIUS.

So she does this unbelievably stupid thing
and she sends one of her servants or whatever to give the monk the broth
and meanwhile she bandages up her profusely bleeding thigh and goes to bed
because mutilating your body is sleepy work

so her husband comes home
(yeah, nuns in india get to have husbands
sweet deal
but apparently nuns in india also have to cut off their thighs and feed them to people
less sweet)
and her husband is like hey baby
howsabout I join you under those sheets and we rub our bits together
(this line gets me laid all the time
when i use it at the old folks home)
and the nun is like actually uh
I am kind of bleeding right now
and he’s like oh you’re on the rag?
no worries, I can deal
and she’s like NO DUDE I CUT OFF MY THIGH
and he’s like HOLY SHIT
HOLY SHIT
You are so
fucking
PIOUS
Oh man honey I am so proud of you

You know, where I come from, they have a saying
that I think applies to this situation:
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Like okay, one person mutilates herself
she’s crazy
one person mutilates herself
and then someone CONGRATULATES HER ON IT?
That’s not double the crazy
That’s crazy fucking SQUARED
this is a geometric progression of crazy

so anyway, buddha’s in town
(I TOLD you that shit would become relevant)
and he’s gonna give a speech or something
but then he’s like hold up
we’re missing a nun
where’s the nun at?
and her husband is like uhhh
she’s sick
and buddha’s like whatever
make her come anyway
and her husband is like I TRIED to make her come
(IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN)
but she can’t walk!
and buddha’s like dude:
WHATEVER
just fucking carry her or something
I’m buddha
you don’t flake on buddha

so her husband gets her and brings her there
and the very moment buddha sets eyes on her
her thigh grows back
like SCHLUP-POW
(if you make this into a comic you have to use that sound)
and then buddha is like okay guys
where’s the monk who ate this chick’s thigh
and the monk is like It’s me, I’m over here
dude I swear I had no idea I was eating a lady’s thigh
and Buddha’s like bro
that’s a pretty fucked up thing you did
you know there’s this weird thing that happens
where if a monk eats an animal
later on he gets killed by that animal
it happens all the time, it’s crazy
but I’m not gonna make this nun kill you
she did a really nice thing
and that kinda cancels out the shitty thing you did
or i guess the shitty thing she tricked you into doing
so everybody’s forgiven
yayyyy!

Okay so I guess the moral of the story
is that cannibalism is okay
as long as it’s consensual.

THE END.

Themistocles is the Best Jerk In History

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Everybody loves wars
they cost a lot of money and people get killed
it’s super important to do
that’s why we do it so much
but my friends
what if I told you that I knew about a war
that was like
THE MOST IMPORTANT WAR EVER
would you say HOLY SHIT OVID
TELL ME ABOUT THIS WAR?
God I hope so
because that’s what I’m going to do.

So back in oldetimes BC there is this king named Xerxes
he is king of a place called persia
and I guess persia is getting pretty boring
because one day he decides he’s gonna burn down Greece
so he puts together the biggest army ever
there are like a billion dudes
and elephants
and weird deformed priests on crazy chariots and shit
trust me, i read it in a comic book
or actually, i just saw the movie that was based on the comic book
PRIMARY SOURCE

so greece sees all this shit coming
and they’re like oh no
what do we do
what do we do
and Themistocles is like I’LL TELL YOU WHAT WE DO:
WE NUT UP
OR WE SHUT UP
AND I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS
BUT I DON’T PLAN ON EVER SHUTTING UP EVER
SO IT’S NUTS OR BUST UP IN HERE

whoa whoa whoa
who is this Themistocles guy though?
WELL I’M GLAD YOU ASKED
(I’m just assuming you guys are saying all KINDS of shit today.
And yes I have been working out
thanks for noticing.)
Themistocles is a dude who lives in Athens
and Athens has a straight up, no-bullshit democracy
which means any crazy asshole can be president
and Themistocles is just the crazy asshole for the job
he doesn’t want to be president though
unless you mean president of ALL THE GUNS
in fact for the five or so years preceding the persian invasion
he’s just been standing in the middle of the senate house
yelling BUILD MORE SHIPS
WE NEED MORE SHIPS
and he is such a good yeller
that people have been DOING IT
and now Athens has more ships than anybody else
and Themistocles is taking advantage

so immediately he starts telling all the other greek cities what to do
because he has all the boats and he figures that makes him king shit
his plan is to gather everybody’s boats together
and then be king of all the boats
and then win the war somehow?
but one of those greek cities he’s trying to tell what to do is Sparta
whose motto is “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
and they are taking absolutely NO sass from this puffed-up senator
and Themistocles is like okay fine guys
I’ll make you a deal
We do what I say
and in exchange, I’ll pretend like one of your dudes is in charge of the boats
and
AND
you get to send all your best warriors on a suicide mission to this narrow ravine up north
where we can maybe bottleneck the persians and kill them one by one
which will force them to get on boats and sail into my army of boats
after totally not killing all of you
how does that sound?
and Sparta is like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

But sparta isn’t the only city Themistocles has to convince to do something really really stupid
he also has to convince this other city
called ATHENS
yeah that’s right
he goes back to his own city and he’s like GUYS
LITERALLY ALL THE GUYS
I NEED YOU ALL TO GET ON BOATS
ABANDON YOUR LOVED ONES IN OUR TOTALLY UNDEFENDED CITY
AND SAIL WITH ME SO I CAN BE KING OF ALL THE BOATS
YOU NEED TO DO THIS BECAUSE I’M REALLY PERSUASIVE
HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
And all the Athenian dudes are like RHETORIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC

so everybody gets convinced
and the plan goes off without a hitch
except for the hitch where the entire land army trying to bottleneck the persians is slaughtered
and the hitch where the boats are forced to retreat
and Athens is burned to the ground
and the fleet is cornered in a series of narrow sea passages
that are the last barrier between Xerxes and EVERYTHING ELSE IN GREECE

But everyone is still really impressed with Themistocles
because, maybe I didn’t make this clear enough
but this guy is REALLY good at talking
and he is also basically THE sneakiest bastard

see, what he does
is while the ships are retreating
he stops at every port where Xerxes might stop to get water
and he leaves a note like
“DEAR EVERY GREEK SOLDIER WHO HAS BEEN FORCED INTO THE PERSIAN ARMY
PLEASE DO A REALLY BAD JOB OF FIGHTING
LOVE, THEMISTOCLES”
the reason he is doing this, you see
is so that Xerxes will begin to distrust all the greek dudes in his army
which begs the question
WHY DOES THAT GUY EVEN HAVE GREEK DUDES IN HIS ARMY?
THAT’S LIKE MAKING A SUIT OF ARMOR OUT OF INWARD-FACING SWORDS

anyway I don’t know if that brilliant gambit works or not
because Xerxes and the rest of the persian boats make it to Salamis
which is the place where all the Greek ships are hiding
and also the plural of Salami
And everyone is like oh shit we are so boned
except Themistocles
who is like LET ME BONE THIS SHIT
so he sends Xerxes a really nice letter
the letter is like
Dear Xerxes
hey buddy
great war so far
I’m actually pretty tired
so I figure I’ll just join your team
these greek guys sort of suck
they are like
mega disorganized
totally attackable
probably all you need to do is rush in blindly with your ships
into a winding system of tiny sea passages that will make your large numbers useless
just some advice from one friend to another
enjoy the war!
love,
Themistocles
And Xerxes is like
OH MY GOD WHAT A GREAT IDEA

so he charges into the straits
and it turns out that the straits are actually pretty dire
and most of his ships get sunk
and he’s like fuuuuck
and runs away back to Persia
and the day is saved!
Thanks to lying!

But guess what, guys?
It turns out that a dude who is super good at lying to people
is not actually someone you want as a politician
it only takes Athens a couple of years to get COMPLETELY sick of his bullshit
and kick him out
and Sparta still has a bone to pick with him because of that whole suicide-mission thing
so they take the opportunity to kick him out of Greece entirely
so he’s like fuck
Guess i better go work for the persians.

AND THAT’S WHAT HE DOES
the dude who is primarily responsible for Greece’s survival in the Persian wars
goes ahead and joins the losing team
he gets MAD hookups, too
like 5 cities worth of loot, paid in installments
he is living the high life.
There’s only one problem though
when Greece decides to go to war with Persia again
the king of persia comes to Themistocles like yo
think you could help me murder all these greeks?
and Themistocles is like oh man
I feel like SUCH a jerk right now
I think I’m going to kill myself.

So he does
he totally drinks poison and dies
or, according to some people, he drinks bull’s blood
which is a pretty gross thing to do, and so i guess he dies from being too gross
unless “bull’s blood” is just a mistranslation of “red bull”
in which case he dies for the obvious reasons.
everyone thinks this is a really appropriate thing to do
because they’re fucking savages

so the moral of the story
once again
is that lying is totally overpowered
unless you wuss out and grow a conscience partway through

the end.

The Race of Men Is Totally Pussywhipped

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Okay so where were we?
Oh yeah
some chick was wandering around
sleeping with creepy goth forest dudes
and then everybody got murdered with poison spears
In other words
all the elves are busy being horny goddamn drama queens
while Morgoth is up in his hell castle amassing orcs
it’s sort of like when Alexander Great killed all those dudes that one time
by fake-attacking them every day for like six months
until finally they stopped taking it seriously and he attacked them
except instead of like six months
Morgoth has been playing this high-stakes game of I’m-not-touching you
for like FIVE HUNDRED YEARS
so naturally the elves are pretty bored
and one of the ways they try to relieve their boredom
is by going out into the forest and murdering animals

BUT HERE’S THE FUCKED UP PART:
The elves are so bored
that they even get bored
OF THE THINGS THEY ARE DOING BECAUSE THEY ARE BORED
so one day one of them wanders away from his hunting party
(Finrod Felagund, if you like names)
and stumbles upon a bunch of HUMANS
and he’s like what the balls
who are all these pink fleshy problem machines
sitting around campfires and beatboxing all night long
they seem pretty chill, i’ma go see what’s up

so in true creeper fashion
Felagund waits until they’re all asleep
and then he goes down to the campsite
and picks up somebody’s electric guitar
and just starts jamming out SO HARD
that everybody in camp is pretty sure they’re still asleep
and jimi hendrix is just straight molesting their dreams
and Felagund isn’t just jamming
he’s also singing
he is singing what basically amounts to a recap of the story so far
so all the men are like “oh damn
so that’s what’s been going on while we’ve been busy being dumb with the dark elves”
see, these men are from the east side
and they have come to the west side, where the elves are
because they heard that this might be where valinor is at
in fact they immediately assume Felagund is one of the Valar
but Felagund is like no guys
I’m just a regular dude
except way
way
better
(stupid elf!
when someone asks if you’re a god, you say yes!)

so men are like “aww
that’s disappointing
but we’re still down to receive wisdom if you got any”
and Felagund is like “sure”
and he spends a bunch of time teaching them shit
and then other dudes show up
and a lot of them become huge elf fanboys
probably because Felagund’s “wisdom” is actually pro-elf propaganda
which means that the best aspiration a lot of humans can think of
is to go enslave themselves to the elves
the other reason they do this
is that King Thingol of the Elves
(whose main job in this story
is telling people to get off his lawn)
is like NAW
NO HUMANS IN MY CRIB
and so the only way humans can hang out in elf land
is by being servants

so they do that
and more humans keep showing up
and the humans and the elves become great pals
despite the fact that Thingol’s sort of a dick
and Morgoth is all FRIENDSHIP?!!
SHIT
so he runs over to the human city
and he transforms himself into one of the important human dudes
and he’s like GUYS
LISTEN UP:
We came to the west side looking for the gods, right?
well how many gods did we find?
THAT’S RIGHT
ONE
WHICH ONE, YOU ASK?
WHY, ONLY MORGOTH, LORD OF HATE
My friends
if you are only going to find one god
Morgoth is LITERALLY THE WORST GOD YOU COULD POSSIBLY FIND
Guys, fuck this
let’s go home

so a lot of the humans are like YEAH
but then the guy who Morgoth was pretending to be shows up
and everyone’s like GREAT SPEECH DUDE
and he’s like what?
what speech?
MORGOTH!!!!
and Morgoth’s like HAHA YOU GOT ME
FUCK YOUUUUUUU
and then he runs away
(fun fact guys:
the word FUCK was the six hundred and sixty-sixth word in this myth
FIVE HUNDRED MYTHS AND I’M STILL ON TOP BABY)

so after that
a lot of the humans are understandably pissed at morgoth
but a lot of the other humans are like damn
shit is getting way to real for us up here
later, guys
and they go south and stop being a part of this story
which is probably the smartest decision anyone has made so far
and meanwhile the rest of humanity settles down
to the noble business
of choking on elf-dick for a couple centuries

so the moral of the story
is that you should start practicing some scales
cause if you solo hard enough for a bunch of humans
they will become your SLAVES

the end

Hippocleides more like HipHopcleides

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OKAY TECHNICALLY THIS IS NOT A MYTH
it is a history
but this history comes to us courtesy of Herodotus
who is about as historically rigorous as salad
so we’re BACK IN MYTH TERRITORY, NUMBNUTS
(hey is it just me
or does “numbnuts” lack a plural form?
what if I want to call a bunch of people numbnuts at once?
that’s what I was trying to do just now, and it didn’t work
okay from now on, it’s “numbnutses”
you’re welcome)

Anyway Herodotus says there used to be a dude called Cleisthenes
and Cleisthenes has a daughter named Megan
wait shit I read that wrong
her name is Agariste
and Herodotus doesn’t say whether Agariste is super hot or not
but at least Cleisthenes seems to think so
because he gets it into his head
that only the best dude in the world should be allowed to marry her
and since, as we all know, women are property
what he does is he builds this huge obstacle course
with like chariots and rope swings and swimming pools full of sharks and eels and bears
and then he invites every dude in the known world
to come chill at his house for a year
and participate in what is basically the ancient greek equivalent of the Bachelorette

now I know this whole “triathlon for pussy” scenario may sound familiar
but I want to make this abundantly clear:
Cleisthenes is NOTHING like Atalanta’s dad
nobody is killed for failing the high-jump
or doing too few laps
instead, everybody gets free food and booze for a year
and it’s generally just a huge awesome party
which means all these suitors must be going around thinking DAMN
I REALLY WANT THIS DUDE TO BE MY FATHER IN LAW

so finally the time comes for Cleisthenes to pick a winner
and he’s had his mind made up for a while now
there’s this dude Hippocleides who is obviously Mister Right
he’s got muscles like Ice-T’s got problems
which actually now that I think about it is not a lot of muscles
cause most people have about 700 muscles
and Ice-T only has 99 problems
but here’s the important thing:
NOT ONE OF THEM IS A BITCH

so Cleisthenes is all set to declare Hippocleides his new son-in-law
and he throws a huge party for the announcement
and everybody at the party is trying to convince him at the last second
by telling funny jokes and busting sweet dance moves
but Hippocleides is out-dancing them all
dude is jolly like a fire truck full of drunk Santas
and he’s really getting into it
he gets so into it that he makes somebody bring in a table
SPECIFICALLY SO HE CAN DANCE ON IT
and he’s up there doing the running man and the twist and the macarena
stickin’ out his butt and waving it around
and then he gets REAL ill and starts BREAKDANCING
spinning around on his head with his feet waving in the air
and Cleisthenes is NOT AMUSED

see, Cleisthenes is pretty chill overall
but if there’s one thing he can’t stand
it is TOO MUCH DANCING
so in the time it takes Hippocleides to cut a significant quantity of rug
Cleisthenes’ image of him has gone from Chiseled Greek God
to Extremely Low Resolution Jpeg Of A Horse Urethra
but he’s doing okay, he’s keeping it together
until Hippocleides starts windmilling his wang in time to the beat
at which point he just loses his shit and he’s like HIPPOCLEIDES
YOU JUST DANCED AWAY YOUR MARRIAGE
and Hippocleides is like
HIPPOCLEIDES CARES NOT
and just keeps right on dancing
(“and that,” says Herodotus, “is where that saying comes from.”
which begs the question
was “Hippocleides cares not” the first meme ever?
and if so
WHY ARE WE NOT SAYING IT ALL THE TIME?)

so Cleisthenes is forced to pick someone else
this duded named Megacles
who should have been his pick all along
because … because Megacles. That’s why.
Then everyone else gets like a thousand bucks and goes home

so the moral of the story
is that uninhibited dance moves may cost you a marriage
but you’ll still get a thousand bucks
and then you get to keep being single and dancing a lot
but is it worth it?
can a man truly be fulfilled by a life of solitude and rad hip gyrations?
I’ll give you a hint:
HIPPOCLEIDES CARES NOT

THE END.

Krishna Probably Has Terrible Dental Hygiene

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Last week I told you about what a larcenous lardass little Krishna is
so today I feel it is only fair
to explain to you why it is
that his foster momma Yasoda lets him get away with this shit
(spoilers: it’s because he’s a god)

Basically what it comes down to
is that butter is not the only thing Krishna is constantly stuffing in his mouth
matter of fact
there are few things Krishna WON’T shove through the ol’ tooth-hole
seriously, if you cut open the child-god’s stomach
it’d be a cross between candyland and a dead shark
mountains of sugar-butter just barely obscuring old boots and tires and less immortal children
so naturally Yasoda starts to get a little worried
cause she’s supposed to be taking care of this kid
and he’s just eating whatever shit comes his way
she’s never seen him eat actual shit, but she knows it’s just a matter of time
and at this time, Kansa is still king
so the department of child welfare is under his control
so she can’t afford another complaint from the neighbors

all this to say
that she gets a little paranoid about what Krishna is putting in his mouth
so one day she sees him out in the garden with a big handful of dirt
chewing thoughtfully
and she runs over like KRISHNA YOU SPIT OUT THAT DIRT RIGHT NOW
and Krishna is like what
what dirt?
and she’s like THE DIRT THAT IS IN YOUR MOUTH, YOU LITTLE PRICK
and he’s like I ain’t got no dirt in my mouth
and Yasoda is like oh come on you impudent baby
you are clearly eating soil right now
and he’s like no i’m not
and she’s like okay, prove it
open up your mouth and let me look inside
and NO SWALLOWING
(it just occured to me that there are probably a lot more situations in life
where you are encouraged to swallow, as opposed to discouraged
just something to ponder)

so Krishna is like fine
and he opens his mouth
and Yasoda looks inside
and sees
THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE
like there’s the earth
and space
and the ghosts of christmas past present and future
high-fiving the flying spaghetti monster
and Jesus and Sekhmet are having a boat race
and Cthulu is there
and there are supernovas going off all the time
and cosmic dust, and everybody’s embarassing secrets
all the shit you haven’t done yet, but could potentially do if you were drunk enough
plus all the booze to make it happen
plus all the oxygen
all the carbon
all the hydrogen, helium and goldfish snack crackers necessary for life as we know it
plus a really big gross tongue
and Yasoda is like
whoah

so Krishna closes his mouth
and Yasoda is like okay so obviously you’re the lord of the universe
that is what that means
but you know what else that means?
it means you were LYING, you little shit
you totally have dirt in your mouth!
you have literally ALL OF THE DIRT IN YOUR MOUTH
then she bends him over her knee
and spanks the crap out of him
it takes a while
there is a lot of crap to spank out.

So the moral of the story
is that you shouldn’t put everything you encounter in your mouth
but if you have everything in your mouth already
you’re pretty set
what I mean is, there’s always a loophole
and sometimes that hole is your mouth

the end.

Krishna is a Butterface

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So I told you a story last week
about how Krishna evaded a non-consensual abortion
with a mind-bendingly biological version of the cup-and-ball trick
and I’ve already told you about the lady who tried to kill Krishna shortly thereafter
using the unlikeliest/sexiest of all weapons:
her tits
but what I haven’t told you
is why all these people want Krishna dead.
see, according to a number of reliable sources
Krishna
8th incarnation of the lord of the universe
is a little prick.
allow me to illustrate:

Krishna loves butter
i mean he loves butter
like I feel as if we all know people
whose eating habits are so poor
that they might as well just be eating nothing but butter all the time
but Krishna is actually going whole hog on this losing proposition
he’s cashed in his god status for a set of teflon arteries
and is proceeding to further grease those arteries
with gallons and gallons of pure, high-octane butter

this would be marginally more okay
if Krishna had, like, a job
where he made money that might allow him to purchase butter
but Krishna has discovered a neat life hack called “stealing”
that allows him to slurp from the unlimited buttertrough
FREE OF CHARGE
ALL DAY EVERY DAY
HE DOESN’T NEED TO SLEEP OR ANYTHING EVEN
BECAUSE REMEMBER
HE’S A GOD
HE IS A GOD AND THIS IS WHAT HE IS DOING WITH HIS TIME.

now I don’t know how familiar you guys are with stealing
but generally it makes the people you are stealing from pretty mad
especially if in addition to stealing
you are also doing things like letting out their cows
and pissing on their floors
and pinching their babies if they don’t have any butter for you
real high-efficiency dickery, you know?
so finally everybody in town gets together
and they go over to Krishna’s foster mom Yasoda and they’re like Yo
your son is a menace
he’s stealing all our butter and there’s nothing we can do
we try hanging it up high
and he stands on the shoulders of his friends
we try hanging bells on the butter to warn us
but he commands the bells to be silent
we try putting the butter in pitch-dark rooms
but he ILLUMINATES THE ROOMS WITH THE DIVINE EFFULGENCE OF THE MANY PRECIOUS GEMS ON HIS BODY
LADY
WHY IS YOUR SON COVERED IN DIVINELY EFFULGENT GEMS
WHY IS HE USING HIS SUPERPOWERS FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF EATING OUR BUTTER
WHAT THE HELL LADY

and Yasoda’s like yeah I know
I know okay
you think he’s not stealing my butter too?
he steals my butter the worst of all!
he’s like a regular Jerry Mouse up in my cow product
and if I call him out on it
like hey kid you stole my butter
he’s just like I have no idea what you’re talking about
and if I point out the fact that he is literally COVERED in butter
he’s like oh that
yeah
well it’s probably your fault anyway
so then I tie him to a pillar, like you do in these situations
but the rope won’t fit
so he has to tie it for me
and then he looks at me all innocent and he’s like hey mom
if we own everything in our house
then how could I be stealing butter?
and I’m like KRISHNA
YOU ARE A FUCKING TODDLER
YOU DON’T OWN SHIT
THIS IS MY BUTTER, STEP THE FUCK BACK
and then he’s like But Mother
I’m tied to this pillar
I cannot step anywhere at all
AND GUYS
I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE JEWELS COME FROM EITHER
THEY’RE JUST KIND OF THERE
UGH

now I wish I could tell you that at some point Krishna learns his lesson
and stops stealing butter
and you know what? He does eventually stop stealing butter
but it’s not because he feels bad
it’s because he’s moved on to stealing poontang
(which is a whole other story)
but apparently the whole point of his butter stealing
is to teach everyone a valuable lesson about ownership or something
which is sort of like if I chopped your arm off and ate it
in order to teach you a valuable lesson about cannibalism

so the real moral of the story
is if your kid starts stealing all your butter
just stop buying food for a while
see how long that little fucker lasts

the end.

Krishna Waltzes Right Into A Womb

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so a long long long time ago
the world sucked
and gods were pissed
but these particular gods were in India
home to a somewhat chiller breed of god
so instead of just flooding everything and starting over
they decide to send in their MVP to fix their problem

their MVP has a lot of names
like a thousand
seriously, dude has more names than the entire silmarillion
but most of them are irrelevant to our purposes here
so let’s just call him Vishnu
LORD OF THE UNIVERSE
(but only for a couple paragraphs
he’s gonna change names pretty quick)

so vishnu is just hanging out
on a snake in the middle of the milk ocean
when Brahma (another important god type dude)
paddles up in his meditation boat and is like hey man
earth is fucked right the hell up
I’m tagging you in
and Vishnu is like chill out dude
I know all about that shit
i was actually just making arrangements to get born down there
so I can simultaneously fix everything/steal massive quantities of butter
and Brahma is like oh awesome

and true to his word
Vishnu flies down to earth and shoves himself right up in some lady’s womb
this is not difficult for Vishnu
not only is he the god of everything
but he’s totally pulled this type of womb-foolery before
seven times, in fact
and each time he comes out as a different type of dude
with a different personality and everything
so for those of you keeping score at home
Vishnu is basically a cross between Jesus Christ and a Time Lord

but apparently even seven practice wombs have not made Vishnu very good at target selection
because the womb he selects belongs to a lady named Devaki
who happens to be in prison
because her brother (king Kansa) received a prophecy that said Devaki’s eighth kid would kill him
and prison is a tried and true method of dealing with this.

So Devaki is just chilling in her prison cell
pumping out babies like crazy
and Kansa is straight murdering all those babies
even though none of them are the eighth baby
and I assume that being able to count is a prerequisite for kingship
like, it’s definitely a prerequisite for being a count
and a king is a lot higher up on the food chain
but maybe not
maybe he just has his counts count shit for him
maybe that is the true secret of feudalism.

ANYWAY
Devaki gets up to baby number seven
and I guess she’s finally figured out that Kansa is going to murder her babies
so what she does
and this is really brilliant
is she takes her womb
and stuffs it in her friend rohini’s womb
like a pre-natal turducken
and rohini sneaks away with a covert baby inside her
and secretly gives birth
TO VISHNU??
no idiot
this is only the seventh baby
vishnu has to be the eighth baby because the eighth baby is the special one
plus we still have to come up with another name for him
because names are awesome

So Devaki tells Kansa that she totally miscarried on baby number 7
so Kansa isn’t sure whether the next baby will count as baby number 8
but it doesn’t really matter cause he’s just going to kill it regardless
plus it doesn’t really matter because Devaki just GAVE HER FUCKING WOMB AWAY
so it’s not like she’s gonna have any more babies
RIGHT?

WRONG
cause when your baby is Vishnu
LORD OF THE UNIVERSE
you need wombs like you need a hole in the crotch
I mean
wait
no you still need the hole though
but anyway so Vishnu just crawls into Devaki’s anti-womb
becomes Krishna
THINLY-DISGUISED LORD OF THE UNIVERSE
and then shoots out her snatch and out of the prison
before he can get snatched by Kansa and Ko and turned into baby powder
then he goes to live with his foster mother Yasoda
who just gave birth to another goddess, that being Durga
and they hang out and have crazy adventures
and eventually Krishna does kill Kansa, obviously
but all of that is a whole other story

the moral of this story meanwhile
is that most ladies DON’T have detachable plumbing
so if someone locks you in a room and says they’re gonna kill all your babies
perhaps abstinence is worth considering?
or at least the rhythm method?
like for real, six dead babies?
that’s a barbershop quartet and a half
think about THAT, you monsters.

the end.

Best. Prostitute. EVER.

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5

So I have a desk
this desk groans under the weight of many a mythological tome
and from time to time i will select a tome at random
and plunder it for material
one of these books is called The Giant Book of Myths And Legends
and it’s sort of like the costco bulk toilet paper of mythology
like if Kirkland sold myths, this is the book they would sell
i’m not saying it’s bad
it’s just repackaged with a generic brand name and sold in quantity

so this is the book I opened up today
only to discover a story entitled
THE COUTESAN WHO WORKED A MIRACLE
HELL YES
and now, dear readers
i shall pass the savings on to you

so there’s this sage
he thinks he is the hottest shit since Danger Curry Night at Yoon’s House of Rectal Torment
and he is standing in front of a bigass crowd
all of whom concur re: the hotness of his shit
and he is further convincing them of his fecal febrility
by yelling smart words at them
he’s like “GUYS
Truth is great and everything
like, the emperor can pull mountains of tits out of thin air with the power of his sincerity
but that Truth doesn’t mean shit
unless the emperor actually produces the tits, see?
like, truth is fine and everything
but ACTION is where it’s at”
(Sidenote: this story takes place in a parallel universe
where being honest gives you superpowers)

and everyone is like YEAHHHH
except for one chick who is like NAWWWWW
and everyone is like WHAAAAAT?
and she’s like “Ok listen
I am a courtesan
which means I am a prostitute but with better jewelry
which means I am essentially a currency exchange that converts dollars into sex
my exchange rate is pretty good my friends
but this is not a sales pitch
this is a total verbal beatdown addressed to mister lavashits up on the podium
so point one:
I think we can all agree that charging a flat rate to let a dude touch your jibblies
is not a super pure thing to do
right?”
and everyone is like RIGHT
but they also think this lady is kind of a babe
so they say it in a polite way
and she’s like “Okay, so since I’m all impure and shit
I should not be able to … for example … turn the Ganges river backwards?”
and everyone is like “WHAT
NO
OF COURSE NOT”
and she’s like “okay
well I just did
also I gave you all handjobs without you noticing”
and everyone is like “WE ARE SMITTEN”
except the sage
who is like “…”

so the emperor is up in his castle
and he’s like “what the hell
the river is suddenly flowing backwards
this is terrible
everyone will die from the ecological consequences
i have to get to the bottom of this!”
but the only bottom he gets to
is the courtesan’s bottom
and he’s like “guhhhh”
and she’s like hey buddy my eyes are up here
what do you want
and he’s like “How you make river go backwards”
and she’s like “With the power of truth”
and he’s like “Okay well I’m familiar with that power
I have been known to use it to produce tits from thin air
but it seems like our city’s resident boner-silo should not be able to use it
you know
because her soul is too weighed down with all those boners”
and the courtesan is like “Look bro
I am what I am, and that’s all I can be
if a dude comes up to me and gives me cash money
and is like hey, I would like this money’s equivalent value in sex
I do not ask him where he went to college
or how much his dad makes
or any of that social status bullshit
I ask him whether he would like the lights on or off
and how he feels about pegging
and then we do it, and it’s awesome.
WHAT IS MORE TRUTHFUL THAN THAT?”
and the emperor is like “well normally i’d find a way to disagree
but you seriously just turned the whole river backwards
and I need you to turn that back around now so everyone doesn’t die
so uh
you win!”
and the courtesan is like “SWEET!
Now who wants their dick sucked from behind?”
and everyone lives happily ever after

so the moral of the story
is that it’s really hard to tell a lie
when there’s a dick in your mouth

the end.

Maeglin’s Mom is Easily Distracted

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5

so it took me a while to get back into the silmarillion
because when i opened it up
the first sentence I read
was almost FORTY PERCENT PROPER NOUNS
no really, check it out:
“Aredhel Ar-Feiniel, the White Lady of the Noldor, daughter of Fingolfin, dwelt in Nevrast with Turgon her brother, and she went with him to the Hidden Kingdom”
which is really just tolkein’s way of saying
“this chick you haven’t heard of before lives with her bro Turgon in his secret base”
anyway this whole chapter is pretty much about her
so i guess we do have to use her name
I GUESS

so the problem with living in a secret base
is that in order for it to stay secret
nobody who lives in the secret base can ever ever leave
because otherwise people might figure out where it is
and Aredhel is not down with this
so she goes to Turgon like dude
I am so bored in here i’m bout to twiddle my thumbs right OFF
lemme go out and see the sons of Feanor
those dudes are certifiably crazy, it’ll be an awesome party
and Turgon is like NAH BITCH NOBODY EVER LEAVES
and Aredhel is like you’re not the boss of me
and Turgon is like ok fine but ima send some dudes with you

so Aredhel leaves the secret base with a couple dudes
and they try to take a shortcut through Thingol’s place
but Thingol is still pissed because the Noldor killed all those other elves
and stole their boats
and then ditched half their dudes
and then burned the boats they stole
so he’s like nah guys
we’re still not on speaking terms
yall best go around

so they go around
THROUGH THE HAUNTED WOODS
because there are HAUNTED WOODS
and what’s the point of having haunted woods
if people aren’t being forced to go through them all the time
so the dudes who are with Aredhel get spooked and go home
and Aredhel rides through and meets up with Feanor’s kids
is it just me
or is this a lot of effort to go through just to party with some dudes?

so Aredhel gets there
but the party can’t start yet
cause one of Feanor’s sons isn’t there yet
so she’s hanging out waiting
and as we’ve already established
this is a girl who gets bored real easy
so she starts wandering further and further from town
and finally she gets lost
in MORE HAUNTED WOODS
i swear there are more haunted woods than regular woods up in this
i don’t know where everyone gets their lumber
prolly everybody’s house is just like a 24 hour ghost party

except this haunted forest is not haunted by ghosts
it’s haunted by ONE ELF
this elf is named Eol
and he sees Aredhel riding through his hood
i mean wood
and is like DING DONG DIGGITY DAMN
I WANNA PUT MY DING DONG IN THAT DIGGITY DAME
but Eol is a kind of creeper
as anyone who lives alone in the haunted woods is apt to be
so instead of like
buying her a drink or writing her a poem or some shit
he uses his evil forest magic to guide her to his house
and then when she arrives all lost and tired
he’s like hey lady
welcome to my creepy forest castle
price of admission: one marriage
and Aredhel
who has yet to let anything force her to stay in one place
is like fuck it, why not

so they get married
and tolkein is very careful to tell us that it’s not all bad
even though Eol forces Aredhel to only go out at night
and she’s not allowed to visit the sons of Feanor
even though those are the exact dudes she came all this way to see!
girl needs to get her life under control
like for real, she’s got to set some goals and fucking stick to them
cause in the real world
behavior like this gets you a ritalin perscription

but so i guess the main proof that it’s not so bad
is that Aredhel lets Eol put a baby in her
and that baby comes out and he is ONE SEXY BABY
his name is Maeglin
and it turns out that HE is the ACTUAL point of this chapter
he has crazy eyes that let him see into people’s brains
and he looks more like his mom than his dad
which makes his dad pissed
but his dad is a pretty weird guy anyway
so no one really pays attention

it doesn’t take too long for Maeglin and Aredhel to get sick of the haunted forest
seeing as Aredhel holds the world record
for number of places she is sick of
and Maeglin is her son
so one day when Eol is out at a party somewhere else
they just peace out without warning anyone
and make a break for Turgon’s secret base
but Eol gets home early
and he’s like what the fuck where did they go
and the servants are like oh I think they went to go see Feanor’s kids
and Eol is like AW HELL NO
so he goes to Feanor’s kids
who hate him
and he’s like guys
guys where is my wife
and Feanor’s kids are like dude
she went that way
get off our fucking lawn before we make you part of it

so now Aredhel and Maeglin are running
and Eol is running after them
and they’re running and running and running
(on horses)
until they get to the mountain where the secret base is hid
and Eol is just close enough that he sees how they get in
so when they get inside he comes running after them like AAAAA GIMME MY SHIT
and Turgon is like GENTLEMEN
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
and Eol is like I WILL TELL YOU WHAT IS GOING ON
MY WIFE IS TRYING TO ESCAPE MY PERFECTLY GOOD HAUNTED FOREST
ALSO MY SON
I WANT THEM BACK
and Turgon is like well that’s all well and good
but the problem with having a secret base is
NO ONE EVER LEAVES
so you are either going to live here forever
or die right now
and Eol, being a sensible gentleman
is like alright
and then steals someone’s spear and chucks it at his son
and Aredhel dives in front of him, secret-service style
and takes the javelin in the shoulder
and then everyone is like ok Eol
clearly you have chosen the “die right now” option

but you know who else has chosen the “die right now” option?
Aredhel
cause even though the spear only hit her in the shoulder
it was tipped with POISON
WHO POISONS THEIR SPEAR WHEN THEY’RE HANGING OUT IN A SECRET BASE?
Well i guess … the type of person who hangs out in a secret base
anyway Maeglin’s mom is dead
and they’re about to shove his dad off a cliff
and his dad is like SON:
FUCK YOU FOR NOT SAVING ME
CURSES FOREVER
and then he dies
and even though Eol was a dick
everyone still thinks Maeglin is pretty weird for not giving a shit

and Maeglin IS pretty weird
but not just for that reason
he’s weird cause he has a crush on his first cousin Idril
who lives in the secret base as well
and unlike in most mythologies
there is actually a law against that type of incest
even though if no one leaves the secret base
shit is bound to get incestuous sooner or later
still though
Idril thinks he is mad creepy
and he knows this
so he takes all the energy he would’ve spent on love
and instead spends it on being an AWESOME WARRIOR
and developing a TWISTED, EVIL HEART
all of which I’m sure will become super important later

so the moral of the story
is you should never leave your house
cause everything else is haunted woods

TO BE CONTINUED

History of Electricity, Part 2: EVERYONE’S STILL CRAZY

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11

soooo it looks like i’m updating once a week now?
also it looks like nobody has taken me up on my offer
come on guys it’s a sweet offer

ANYWAY LET’S TALK ABOUT LIGHTNING
or if not lightning exactly
then at least lightning’s better-behaved alter-ego electricity
when last we left our heroes
they were busy rubbing shit all over other shit
and then proving that lightning and electricty were actually the same thing
and then going to france and having a lot of sex
and apparently all this shit was crucial
especially that last part
because it opened the door for a dude named Faraday to come along
and start making machines that rubbed shit on other shit
with UN-HEARD-OF EFFICIENCY
he also invented a kind of cage that makes your cell phone not work
so basically he sounds like a dick

BUT HE IS AN IMPORTANT DICK
history is full of important dicks
like Alexander the Great
and Napoleon
and Benjamin Franklin’s dick
there are comparatively few important vaginas though
which is weird
because there’s a whole FUCKTON of really important ASSHOLES
which brings us to Thomas Alva Edison

see, after Faraday invents his spectacularly efficient way of rubbing shit together
Thomas Edison gets super rich by selling crazy souped-up telegraphs
and puts up a gigantic building in new jersey
so that he can more efficiently gather smart people
and rub their brains together
(as a side note
I am currently pioneering a new historico-scientific theory
it is called
“everything in history is just rubbing things on other things”)
and through the friction of all these smart brains
Edison comes up with some pretty cool shit
or more accurately
better versions of other people’s already cool shit
like lightbulbs and shit
and one of the things he comes up with
is another way to generate and distribute electricity

Edison calls his way “Direct Current”
(or DC)
and the other way
which is being pioneered at the same time by a dude named Westinghouse
is called “Alternating Current”
(or AC)
do not try to understand what these things mean
it’s really hard
all you really need to know
is they would make an incredibly sweet band name

so the problem with DC power
is it’s lazy
it won’t travel very far before it gives up and goes away
so you have to make a lot of power stations in order for it to work
meanwhile
the problem with AC power
is that someone has not yet come along
who can upgrade it and make it TOTALLY AWESOME

ENTER NIKOLA TESLA
tesla is this Serbian dude with like no social skills
because he put all his attribute points in CRAZY BRAIN
he willingly gave up rubbing his junk on ladies’ junk
so he could spend more time figuring out how to rub electric shit on other shit
and he hallucinated like ALL THE TIME
to make up for the fact that he slept like NONE OF THE TIME
this dude was less of a dude
and more of a streamlined engine for turning food and water into SCIENCE

So Tesla looks at AC power like ok guys
i see what you’re doing
with the rubbing stuff on other stuff
but guys
what if we made it
MORE COMPLICATED
and everyone is like AWRIIIIIGHT
especially that Westinghouse guy

so westinghouse buys all of Tesla’s great ideas
and then Edison is like oh shit
Westinghouse is about to totally wreck my shit
AC power can travel longer distances than my DC power
it is cheaper and more efficient
welp
i guess there’s only one thing left to do:
time to start murdering animals

so that is what Thomas Edison does
first he invents the electric chair
and powers it with AC power
so everyone will know just how fucking dangerous that shit is
ignoring the fact that lightning can also kill people
and i’m pretty sure that’s not AC OR DC
ELECTRICITY:
JUST PRETTY FUCKING DANGEROUS ALL AROUND
but edison doesn’t stop at revolutionizing american justice
no no no
then what he does
is he starts stealing stray cats
and frying those fuckers on his electro-killing machine
but everyone is still like yawn
so finally edison is like fuck this
just fuck this
fuck
I’m gonna get an elephant from the god-damn zoo
and I am going to electrocute it to death with one of my inventions
while filming it with another one of my inventions
and THAT is going to solve this whole thing for me
i don’t see how it could fail

so he does that
he kills Topsy the Elephant and then shows people the video
and somehow
that fails to convince everyone to buy his flavor of electricity
so that shit fails pretty hard
but it’s fine, because it’s not like Edison is exactly hurting for money
he gets distracted pretty quickly
by an ambitious scheme to repeatedly fire X-rays into his own eyes
presumably in order to become more like superman

meanwhile, shit is not going too well for Tesla
because after a brilliant career of turning down ladies
and sculpting reality with his mind
his mind is finally like fuck this
i’m done
from now on
it’s just gonna be martians and talking pigeons
all day every day
and Tesla is like oh well
it was fun while it lasted
i guess i better go die in a tiny apartment
after eating nothing but milk and crackers for months

now guys
i know you were expecting the standard narrative
“Nikola Tesla invented radar and gravity and knees
and Thomas Edison stole all of it with his asshole machine made of assholes”
and while Thomas Edison is indeed an asshole
and Nikola Tesla did indeed invent like a million things
what both of them have in common
is being FUCKING CRAZY
like, from my perspective
there is not a lot of difference between hallucinating pigeons and aliens
and shooting yourself in the eyes with radioactive beams over and over again
which just goes to show
that the moral of this story
is that all the smartest people in the world
are also the biggest goddamn idiots

the end