Author Archives: Ovid

The Animals on Animal Farm are ANIMALS

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Once upon a time there’s this shitty farm called Manor Farm
it’s owned by a shitty farmer
who is really awesome at being a drunk piece of shit
but really terrible at less important things like feeding his animals
so naturally the animals are not in a great mood
and then this ancient pig called Old Major makes everything worse
by calling all the animals together and being like “hey guys
fuck humans, am I right?”
and all the animals are like “RIGHT? RIGHT???”
and Old Major is like “I’m sayin’.
so I feel like like
one of these days
we should take over all the farms from them
and live in harmony and shit.
check it out, there’s even a song about it
it’s called BEASTS OF ENGLAND
you can sing it to the tune of La Cucaracha
and if any of you guys decide to start a dubstep collective
you should call it Beats of England OH MY GOD THAT WOULD BE SO SICKKKKK
speaking of sick, I have to die now
good luck with the revolution!”

So then Old Major dies
and farmer Jones keeps being a drunk asshole
and finally the animals are just like “fuck this”
and they kick his ass out of his farm and rename it “Animal Farm”
(because animals are bad at names.)
The main animals who kick him out are these three little pigs
named Snowball, Squealer, and Napoleon
Snowball is a really excitable dude with all kinds of rad plans
Squealer is really good at talking people into shit
and Napoleon is a thinly veiled metaphor for Stalin
so these guys take all the cool stuff that Old Major said
and they turn it into seven animal commandments:

1. If they got two legs, fuck ’em
2. If they got four legs or wings, only fuck ’em in the good way.
3. ABN: Always Be Naked
4. No sleeping in beds. You can still sleep in your own shit though.
5. No booze.
6. No killing each other.
7. All animals are equal.

Honestly, other than the first 2 rules
these are probably rules I would make for my own animals
I don’t want ducks sleeping in my bed or drinking my booze
have you seen ducks?
They shit EVERYWHERE.

Anyway the farm goes pretty well for a while
the animals are excited to be farming for themselves
even though farming is hard without thumbs
but then the pigs start pulling all this sly bullshit
like taking all the milk and apples for themselves
because they “need it for thinking”
and then all these adorable puppies get born
and Napoleon takes them all away for “private re-education”
(which better not be code for dogfucking)
plus it turns out sheep are too dumb to learn all the rules
so Napoleon boils it down to “FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BAD”
and teaches them to yell it like ALL THE TIME
it is SO ANNOYING.
Around this time some humans attack the farm
and Snowball just totally fucks them to death
by being a superior tactician and a total badass
and despite getting shot basically in the head.
Also there’s this horse named Boxer who does a good job
he’s important later.

So Snowball gets an award for being good at violence
and I guess awards make snowball crazy
because suddenly he is all about this insane plan to build a windmill
it’s like fuck improving crops
fuck the revolution
let’s build a goddamn windmill
(honestly that’s how I feel every day of my life
but that’s exactly why I’m not in charge of an animal rebellion)
Napoleon fucking HATES this plan
and he says so constantly
but Snowball keeps going with it
until finally Napoleon is just like “OKAY, SHOW’S OVER
SNOWBALL, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DEBATE
AGAINST MY NINE LOYALLY TRAINED HOUNDS?”
Yeah, remember when he took those dogs away for “reeducation”
it turns out he didn’t have sex with any of them
he just brainwashed them into RUTHLESS KILLING MACHINES
so he chases Snowball away
and then he’s like “Okay, so from now on
you guys don’t get to vote on anything
the pigs make all the decisions
and I make all the decisions for the pigs.”
and maybe people would have argued, but dogs.

But then suddenly Napoleon is like “OK GUYS WE GOTTA BUILD A WINDMILL”
and everyone is like what the fuck
i thought you hated windmills
and he’s like “THE WINDMILL WAS MY IDEA THE WHOLE TIME
SNOWBALL STOLE IT BECAUSE HE IS THE ACTUAL DEVIL
IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG EVER IT IS HIS FAULT”
and everyone is like “Ohhhh that makes sense.”
so they start building the windmill
but it falls down because ANIMALS CAN’T BUILD WINDMILLS
so they start building it AGAIN
but by this time there is a food shortage
because, let me reiterate
they are wasting all their time building a FUCKING WINDMILL
but Napoleon doesn’t want the humans to know they’re hungry
so he’s just straight up lying to the one human dude who comes around
like “OH MAN YEAH, WE GOT SO MUCH FOOD
SOMETIMES WE JUST SET IT ON FIRE FOR NO REASON
LIKE WHATEVER, IT’S JUST FOOD.”
and the human is apparently as dumb as all the other animals
because he believes Napoleon’s shit.

But a steady diet of total bullshit is not enough to feed all the animals
so suddenly
MYSTERIOUSLY
it turns out that the evil Snowball has come back
and infected dozens of the animals with his EVIL LIES
so they all confess to Napoleon
who publicly murders them with his dogs for justice
and hey, that ration problem is solved now so that’s good too.
But then one of the horses, named Clover
is like wait a second
didn’t we have a rule against killing animals?
so she goes to the shed where they painted all the rules
but now suddenly it says “No killing animals
EXCEPT FOR VERY GOOD REASONS”
so she’s like oh, whatever that’s fine

Shit gets way worse after that
like they even outlaw singing that “Beasts of England” song
in favor of a song about how great animal farm is
and people keep confessing to weird shit and dying
and everybody is hungry
but it’s okay because then they finish the windmill
but then it’s not okay because Napoleon sells all their firewood
for a stack of fake paper money so he can buy booze
and then the farmer he sold it to shows up with guns and bombs
and blows up their windmill
so now it has exploded TWO TIMES
and since the windmill was the only thing that didn’t suck about animal farm
the animals are pretty sad

but there is this one horse I mentioned before
named Boxer
who is GREAT AT WORKING
and he’s like “IT’S FINE GUYS
LET’S JUST WORK HARDER AND BUILD A THIRD WINDMILL”
but he’s getting to be kind of old
and he has already built two goddamn windmills
so one day he falls down and can’t get up
and Napoleon is like “Oh dang
time to send him to the hospital
by which I definitely do NOT mean sell him to the glue factory
nope nope nope.”
then he buys whiskey with the horse money.

So then Clover’s like “Hey wait a second
didn’t we have a rule against boozing?”
so she goes and looks
but it turns out it really said “No booze
IF YOU’RE A WEENIE.”
so that’s an easy mistake to make.

Anyway time passes
and shit pretty much sucks for everybody but the pigs and their dogs
but nobody complains too much
because it must be better than when the farmer was there, right?
and at least there are no humans on the farm, RIGHT?
but then one day Clover is hanging out by the farmer’s house
(oh yeah, the pigs moved into the farmer’s house
and they sleep in beds
so that rule is out the window too)
when the pigs come sauntering out
on TWO LEGS
DUDE I THOUGHT THERE WAS A RULE AGAINST THAT TOO
ALSO THEY ARE WEARING CLOTHES
WHAT THE FUCK, THAT’S NOT COOL
THESE PIGS HAVE NOW BROKEN LITERALLY EVERY RULE
except wait a second
back in the barn where the rules are
it just says “ALL ANIMALS ARE EQUAL
BUT SOME ANIMALS ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS”
it turns out squealer has been changing the rules THIS WHOLE TIME
this is why you always time stamp your edits.

That night Napoleon invites all the human farmers over
and they all get wasted together and play cards
and the other animals are hanging around dropping mad eaves
and one of the farmers is like “Dude, Napoleon
you are such a good farmer
your animals work harder for less food than ANY OTHER ANIMALS
what’s your secret?”
and Napoleon is like “Uh, totalitarianism?”
and everyone is like “HAHA YEAH!”
and the animals are like “Oh god dammit
are we in a thinly veiled allegory about Russia’s gradual slide into totalitarianism under Stalin?
Fuuuuuuck
why couldn’t we be in a whimsical story about running away and forming a band or something?
this ALWAYS HAPPENS.
But it’s too late
the metaphor is complete
the pigs look exactly like the humans now and everything is terrible.

The moral of the story, of course
is that nothing good ever came of building a windmill
just ask Don Quixote.

The end.

The Musicians of Bremen are Animals With a Bad Retirement Plan

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One time, there’s this donkey
this donkey is OLD
and therefore useless to humans
and since the retirement plan for donkeys is really just murder
this donkey decides he’d rather escape the farm and start a new career
as a musician.

So yes, this donkey is obviously senile
because having thumbs is normally a prerequisite to being a musician
but he manages to escape the farm anyway
and instead of laying low for a while
he heads straight for this town called Bremen
i guess because he’s heard that Bremen is full of dumb people who listen to shitty music
and on the way he sees a dog
this dog is tired
one might even say he is DOG tired?
I did it.
The best joke.
No one has to be funny ever again.

Anyway the donkey is like “Yo wassup dog
why you pantin”
and the dog is like “dude I’m old is what’s up
I don’t wanna run around killing other animals for my boss anymore
so he’s bout to Old Yeller my ass [spoilers]
but I ran away instead
and now I dunno what to do
halp.”
So the donkey is like “Dude!
I’m getting a band together!
I’m on a mission
FROM GOD.
I’ll play guitar and you can beat the drums
and the dog is like “WOOF WOOF I LOVE DRUMS
but how are you gonna play guitar without thumbs?”
and the donkey is like “I was sort of thinking we’d be like an alternative noise-rock duo”
and the dog is like “WOOF WOOF I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS
BUT FUCK IT LET’S GO.”

So they keep going and they see a cat
and this cat is PISSED
she’s got a look on her face like three gallons of warm pus
and the donkey is like “Whoah there, beard-licker
[that is actually what he calls her, for some racist reason]
why the stank-face?”
and the cat is like “I’M OLD
I AIN’T WANNA CATCH NO MICE
MY MASTER’S GONNA DROWN ME SO I RAN AWAY
BUT NOW I DUNNO WHERE TO GO
HALP.”
and the donkey is like “Have I told you about my really stupid plan?”
and the cat is like “no, but now I’m interested.”
and the donkey is like “I’m putting a band together
we’re on a mission
FROM GOD
you’re a cat so you’re probably devious as fuck
you can be our manager.”
and the cat is like “Damn right.”

So they keep walking and they run into a rooster
and the rooster is just SCREAMING at the sky
SCREAMING
and the Donkey is like “OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS”
and the rooster is like “Because!
I’m a fucking excellent rooster
I predict good weather and fuck all the hens on time and everything
but my master is still going to kill me for Sunday dinner tomorrow
which is total bullshit because roosters don’t even taste good
so I’m just going to scream until I die.
This is not much different that what I normally do
and actually now that I think about it
this might be the real reason they’re going to kill and eat me
[i owned a rooster once
and this was in fact the real reason we killed and ate him
that, and he was a fucker]”

So the donkey is like “No! No! Christ!
Don’t pollute the countryside with your screaming!
Pollute the STREETS OF BREMEN with your screaming!
I’m putting together an alt noise-rock screamo quartet.
I’m on a mission
FROM GOD.
JOIN US.”
And the rooster is like “Okay sure”
making him officially the most qualified member of this “band.”

It’s getting late now though, so they have to go to sleep.
Being animals, they don’t mind sleeping outside
but being spoiled animals, they would much rather sleep inside
so when the rooster spots a far off light from the top of a tree
they all agree to go check it out
and guess what? it turns out it is a house
a ROBBERS’HOUSE.
I dunno how they know it’s a robbers’ house
like maybe there’s a big sign
or a bag in the garage that says “SWAG” on it in huge letters
but however they figure it out
they’re definitely right
and they definitely wanna be inside
so the donkey is like “Guys
I’ve got it
this can be our first gig!”

So the donkey stands against the wall
and the dog climbs on his shoulders
and the cat climbs on the dog
and the rooster climbs on the cat
and all at once
they start to make “music”
which amounts to a cacaphonous screeching to rival the orchestras of hell
followed by a lump of meat and feathers and hair crashing through the window
so the robbers
who are fucking HAMMERED
are like “OH SHIT, MEAT GHOSTS”
and they run out of the house
leaving the animals to eat all their food and then go to sleep.
The donkey goes to sleep on a pile of shit in the stable
the dog sleeps behind the door
the cat sleeps behind the stove
and the rooster sleeps up in the rafters.

So the robbers wait out in the woods for a while
until finally they’re like “wait a sec
are you sure that was a ghost?
are you sure that wasn’t just a pile of dumb animals?
someone better go check.”
So one of the robbers goes back to the house
and he thinks the reflection in the cat’s eyes is the embers of the fire
so he tries to light them with a match
which makes the cat tear his fucking face off
so he flips out and runs to the door
where the dog bites his ass
and then he runs past the stable
where the donkey kicks him in the head
and then the rooster starts SCREAMING again
and the robber goes back to his bros like “GUYS:
THERE IS A WITCH BEHIND THE FIRE
SHE CLAWED MY EYES
THEN SOME ASSHOLE STABBED MY ASS
AND AN OGRE HIT MY HEAD WITH A CLUB
AND THEN THERE WAS A JUDGE HIDING IN THE CEILING
WHO WAS TALKING ABOUT ARRESTING US”
which i guess just goes to show how drunk this guy is.

Anyway, after that the robbers never go back to the house
and the animals never end up going to Bremen
because they like their stolen house too much
which just goes to show
that crime is WAY more profitable than music.

The end.

Ravens are Shitty Houseguests

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Ugh so this one time I was in my dorm
it was like midnight
I was cramming for this shitty test
but I wasn’t even really paying much attention tbh
because I was hella sleepy
plus my girl Lenore had just dumped me or died or something
I don’t know exactly, college was kind of a blur…

Anyway all of a sudden I hear someone tapping on my door
and I’m like “who the fuck is it?
just knock like a normal person!”
but it just stops
so I go back to pretending to read
and then it starts again
but like, louder
so I go to the door and I throw it open and I’m like “Is that you Steve?
fuck you Steve
I have a test tomorrow
and I don’t wanna have to take a break from studying to kick your nuts
my time is precious, Steve.”
But nobody is there
not even Steve.
It’s a fucking mystery.

So I close the door and go back to my desk
but then there’s a noise at my WINDOW
and I’m like “There’s no way Steve climbed all the way up here
just to fuck with my window
it’s prolly just the wind”
but I’m pretty freaked out, you know
because I opted for the single occupancy dorm like an idiot
and now everything sounds like murderers
so I’m like “Okay, okay
just gonna open the window and see what’s up
and then laugh when it turns out to be nothing
WHICH IT DEFINITELY WILL.”

So I open the window
and a fucking RAVEN flies in
and lands right on this marble bust of Athena i got to impress chicks with
and I’m like “whoa
a bird
what’s your name, bird?
Did Steve send you?
That fucking guy.”
and the bird is just like “NEVERMORE.”
And I’m like “Wait, what?
Does that mean Nevermore is your name
or that Steve did not in fact send you
because I’m pretty sure both of those are lies.”
and the raven is like “NEVERMORE”
and I’m like “oh, okay, I get it
that’s just the only word you can say.
Man, whoever owns you must be emo as fuck.”
But then I start thinking
holy shit, a talking emo bird
I am going to be like
the coolest dude on campus
all the chicks are going to be so enticed.
But then I remember my ex Lenore
and how she died or broke up with me or whatever
and I start getting all moody
and I’m like “Hey bird
how’s Lenore doing?
Is she having a good time?”
and the raven is like “NEVERMORE”
and I’m like “Dang, that’s harsh.
Tell me, bird, am I ever gonna get laid again?”
and the bird is like “NEVERMORE”
and I’m like “FUCK YOU YOU FLAPPY DIPSHIT
I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I ASKED YOU
GET OUT OF MY ROOM”
But that raven just looks me right in my hominid face
with his beady soulless eyes
and he’s like “Nevermore.”

So now I have this bird in my room forever.
He’s gloomy as fuck
and not nearly as useful for getting laid as I hoped
so I guess the moral of the story
is don’t let birds into you fucking room.
Come on, this is basic stuff.

The end.

The Sword Of Damocles is Hangin’ Over My Head (THAT AIN’T NO CRIME)

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Today’s mega short myth brought to you by a guy who calls himself
CAPTAIN BEARPROOF.
Some advice, captain:
NO ONE is immune to bears
that is sort of the entire point of bears
they made a movie about it, even.

Not being immune to bears is something Captain Bearproof has in common with the characters of this story
which has nothing to do with bears
but like I said
NO ONE IS IMMUNE TO BEARS.
Anyway this story is about a tyrant named Dionysis II
who takes over Syracuse
(in Sicily, not in New York)
just so he can party literally all the time.
Big D has a little pal named Damocles
and Damocles is straight up ENCHANTED
by the incessant opulence of Prince Di’s palace
so little D goes to big D and he’s like “Hey man
I love how you party all the time and give literally no shits about anyone else
like that one time when you fucked a rotating carousel of humans
powered by tireless slaves
who you then set on fire
in order to cook bacon you stole from orphans.
Basically, dude
I wanna be you.”
and Dionysis
who is just on TONS of shrooms right now
is like “OH YOU WANNA BE ME, HUH?
OKAY
SLAVES, BRING OUT A GOLDEN COUCH FOR DAMOCLES
BRING OUT THE DIAMOND CAVIAR AND THE COCAINE TUREEN
WHEEL THE BLOWJOB MACHINE ON OVER THERE
AND .. hmm, what else?
OH YEAH
SUSPEND AN INCREDIBLY SHARP SWORD DIRECTLY OVER HIS HEAD BY A SINGLE HORSE HAIR
MAN I HAVE THE BEST IDEAS.”

so Damocles sits down on this couch for some reason
and he tries to enjoy it, he really does
but the cocaine just makes him more paranoid
and he can barely feel the blowjob machine
and you can’t eat diamond caviar
it’s made of diamonds
no one can chew diamonds
just like NO ONE IS IMMUNE TO BEARS, CAPTAIN BEARPROOF.
LISTEN TO ME
I AM TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE.

Anyway, after like 30 seconds Damocles is like “OKAY, OKAY
I DON’T WANT TO BE ON THE COUCH ANYMORE
THIS SWORD IS SERIOUSLY FREAKING ME OUT.”
and Dionysis is like “Ha HA! Just as I thought!
I hope you have learned a valuable lesson!”
and Damocles is like “What?
That life is fragile?
That for the powerful man, there is always danger?
That you shouldn’t ever sit under swords?”
and Dionysis is like “Well that too I guess
but mostly that you don’t get this rich by not being a huge asshole.
I mean it’s not like there’s a sword hanging over MY head.
The analogy is totally shitty.
I just did that to fuck with you.”
Then he probably kills everyone anyway.

The end!

SANTA CLAUS IS EN ROUTE

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WE INTERRUPT THIS WEBSITE TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN:
Saint Nicholas
AKA Santa Claus
AKA Sinterklaas
AKA Kris Kringle
AKA Beardo McTreasurepants
Has been sighted on the way to your location.

Where is your location?
DOESN’T MATTER
He’s on his way EVERYWHERE
ALL AT ONCE
So he can SNEAK INTO YOUR HOME
and leave his stuff in there.

Our advice?
Remain calm.
Do not cry, or even pout
his sleigh is equipped with grief-seeking reindeer
in fact, try to avoid experiencing emotions of any kind
this is the safest way to avoid an incident.

Why is he here?
No one knows
what we do know is that he has created a list
which he has pored over EXTENSIVELY.
It is a list of every single living human
and he uses it to pass the sorts of judgements
normally reserved for the old testament god:
that is, whether you have been NAUGHTY
or NICE.

But this jolly red home invader does not need to concoct arbitrary tests of loyalty
or specify a list of commandments
in order to assess your virtue
no, no, no
Santa Claus knows EVERYTHING.
He watches you sleep
he’s there when you wake up
he KNOWS every bad thing you have ever done
so for fuck’s sake
DON’T DO BAD THINGS.

Why?
ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU NEED A REASON NOT TO DO BAD THINGS?
Okay, well consider this:
we are talking about a man
one man
who is constantly experiencing every moment
of every life
of every man woman and child on the planet
with special attention paid to their most wretched acts.
You know how police officers and criminal lawyers eventually lose faith in humanity
just because of all the shit they’ve seen?
The shit they’ve seen is like Bob Ross painting a happy little sheep
compared to the atrocities Saint Nick has witnessed
just to decide whether Kim Jong Un is getting any presents this year.
And that’s not the worst of it
Santa is specifically in charge of judging the souls of CHILDREN
CHILDREN
DO NOT
HAVE SOULS
if there was a button for children to press
that gave them a piece of candy
but killed a thousand people
there would be no more people.
I never thought I’d say this
but children
are worse
than birds.

What does all this mean?
It means that centuries of watching a montage of unforgiveable acts
has driven this omniscient fat burglar COMPLETELY INSANE
AND NOW HE IS COMING TO YOUR HOME
ALL OF YOUR HOMES
SWEET CHRIST I HOPE YOU LOCKED YOUR CHIMNEY

SO, I REPEAT:
DO NOT CRY
DO NOT EVEN POUT
I’M TELLING YOU WHY:
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING
TO TOWN

AND YOU, YOU LITTLE BASTARD
YOU’LL LEAD HIM RIGHT TO US.

Junaid is the Carrot Top of Sages

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So this dude Junaid is walking down the road
he is a Sufi mystic
which basically means he is a practitioner of a crazy souped-up version of islam
that over time became less and less like islam
and more and more like Hinduism
and then got snagged by a bunch of white dudes
(along with basically everything else)
making it sort of like the confused college freshman of religions.

Anyway Junaid is one of these Sufi bros
and because he is a pretty notorious bro
he’s got all these other guys following him
AT ALL TIMES
which honestly sounds like one really great reason not to be a mystic
but Junaid fucking loves it
because they’re all a bunch of big dumb idiots
who will listen to whatever he says
so he’s leading this swarm of noobs down the road
and he sees this dude with a cow
and he’s like “ok guys, gather around this dude and his cow”
and the dude with the cow is like “Oh hey!
Junaid!
I know you! You’re a Sufi mystic!”
and Junaid is like “Damn right man
that’s why I’m the man.
Now check it out, I’m gonna teach y’all some knowledge:
QUESTION ONE:
Who is the master in this situation
the cow or the man?”
and everyone is like “The man, obviously”
and the man is like “Damn right I am
I have this cow on a fucking rope
I would not allow a cow to put me on a rope
and even if I had some kind of weird cow fetish
that would make me want that
this cow has no thumbs, so it can’t tie shit
I only buy thumbless cows for this reason.”

So Junaid is like “Okay, okay, that makes sense
but check THIS out:”
and then he pulls out a pair of scissors and cuts the rope
and the cow immediately takes off
because it didn’t wanna be on no rope
and the dude starts chasing it
like “GOD DAMMIT COME BACK HERE YOU SHITTY AMBULATORY MEAT”
and Junaid is like “HA HA! YOU SEE?
IT IS ACTUALLY THE MAN WHO IS INTERESTED IN THE COW
AND THE COW WHO IS TRULY THE MASTER
JUST AS YOU ARE INTERESTED IN YOUR THOUGHTS
AND YOUR THOUGHTS ARE YOUR MASTER
YOU MUST BECOME UNINTERESTED IN YOUR THOUGHTS
AND JUST LET THEM WANDER AWAY
AND THAT IS HOW YOU ACHIEVE ENLIGHTENMENT”
and the dude is like “Okay dude that’s super deep
but I needed that cow and now it’s gone
what the fuck am I supposed to do?”
and Junaid is like “Psh
what do I look like?
A farmer?”

So the moral of the story
is never let sages near your livestock.

Thomas the Rhymer Would be a Great MC Name

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So there’s this dude Thomas
he’s a poet
which means he has nothing better to do than lie under a tree all day being poor
(why yes I am aware of my chosen career
why do you ask)
this actually works bizarrely well for him
because all of a sudden this GLORIOUS HOT CHICK rolls up
on her INSANELY BELL-COVERED HORSE
seriously this horse has like SIXTY GODDAMN BELLS ON IT
and Thomas is like “holy shit
the Virgin Mary
or Mary Magdalene
one of those Marys
whatever
what I’m trying to say is you’re so hot it’s BIBLICAL”
and the chick is like “Thanks but no
I’m actually the elf queen
wanna make out?”
and Thomas is like “Ok”
and the elf queen is like “Cool.”

So they make out and then she’s like “Good job
come with me to Elfland
you will live with me there for seven years
we will probably have sex
like, a lot
it’s sort of implied.”
and Thomas is like “Shit yes
what did I do to deserve this random magic hotness?”
and the elf queen is like “Dude I really have no idea.”

So Tom gets on the jangly horse
and they start riding
and they ride WAY THE HELL OUT THERE until they cross a desert
at which point Tom is like “Damn woman, slow down
I am hungry
it looks like there is some fruit on these trees over here
lemme just-”
but the elf queen is like “NOPE.
DON’T EAT THE FRUIT
IT IS FULL OF POISON AND CURSES”
and Tom is like “What?
…Why?”
and she is like “Dude I really have no idea
but what I do have is a loaf of bread and a bottle of wine
let’s get drunk and I will show you the roads to heaven, hell and Elfland
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.”

She literally means she will show him all those roads
the one to heaven is really thin and hard to find
the one to hell is like a superhighway of orgies and nastiness
and the road to elfland is just the road to elfland
so that’s where they go.
Oh except did I say it was just a normal road?
Shit guys, I’m sorry
what I meant was it’s a SEA OF BLOOD
BECAUSE EVERY TIME BLOOD FALLS OUT OF A BODY
IT ENDS UP IN ELFLAND
ELFLAND IS JUST A HUGE BOWL OF BLOOD
SLOSHING AROUND LIKE A SMOOTHIE MADE OF HORROR MOVIES
JUST BLOOD
BLOOD
BLOOD
BLOOD
ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT
THIS IS WHAT THIS WOMAN IS QUEEN OF.

But eventually they make it out of all that blood
and into a field
where there is a tree with fruit on it
and the elf queen is like “Okay remember when I said don’t eat the fruit?
Now you can eat the fruit
this fruit is magic and it will make it so you can never lie.”
and Thomas is like “Why the fuck would I want to eat that fruit
I am a poet
lying is like
my entire thing.”
but the elf queen is just like “Dude
I just led you here
through a literal SEA OF BLOOD
on my MAGIC HORSE
so you could spend SEVEN YEARS PROBABLY HAVING SEX WITH ME.
EAT THE FUCKING APPLE.”
and Thomas is like “Jeeze, okay.”
Then he stays around for seven years
and when he comes back he can’t lie
so his career is over
but he starts a new career as a pretty successful prophet
so that’s cool.

So the moral of the story is don’t talk to strangers
even if they’re really really hot.

The end.

God is Good, But Not THAT Good

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Here’s a story I found inside another story
written by a dude named T.H. White
(this is not the first time I have stolen a myth
from inside someone else’s book
in fact, it’s probably the reason you know about me.)
Anyway, this story is about how God is a capricious asshole
oh wait
THAT’S EVERY STORY.

Anyway in this story there are two dudes
one of them is a prophet named Elijah
and the other one is a Rabbi named Jachanan.
For some reason they are hitch-hiking across the middle east together
presumably because holy dudes have a lot of free time
and talking about god
is a great way to get people to let you crash on their couches.
So they show up at this poor dude’s house
and I mean this dude is seriously poor
he doesn’t have netflix or anything
just one cow, a wife, and a debilitating case of acute generosity.

Like for real
when this godly duo rolls up on casa de poverty
the poor guy runs out like “HOLY SHIT, VISITORS
HERE, DRINK ALL MY MILK
EAT ALL MY BUTTER
FUCK MY WIFE, I DON’T CARE.”
and Elijah is like “Wow man, thanks.”
Then in the morning, the dude’s cow dies.
Bummer.

There’s no reason to stay at a cowless house
especially if it doesn’t have netflix
so Elijah and Jachanan leave and keep on hitchin’
until they end up at this super rich dude’s house
and they’re like “Aww yeah
time to roll up on this dude’s posh-ass doorstep
hand him some leaflets
and spend the knight drinking caviar champagne in a jacuzzi made of blowjobs
dude I LOVE being religious.”
but the rich asshole who owns the house is like “RELIGION?
BAH HUMBUG.
YOU GUYS CAN SLEEP WITH MY HORSES”
and let me tell you
this dude’s horses do not sleep in a jacuzzi full of blowjobs
they sleep in a stable
and the stable
DOESN’T EVEN HAVE NETFLIX.
It’s the worst.

So in the morning, Elijah goes to the rich dude
and he’s like “Hey man,
thanks so much for sticking us in your shitty horse house
you know what?
I’m gonna do you a solid.
I’m going to hire a mason
at my own expense
to repair that crack in your wall over there.”
and the rich man is like “HELL YEAH, SCORE.”
And then they leave.

But Rabbi Jachanan is like “What the fuck, Elijah?
I’m tired and sore
I smell like horse shit
and I am WAY behind on all my shows
largely thanks to that asshole
and you are paying for his fucking home decorating?
Dude, what gives?
Why does this guy get a new wall
while the poor dude has to bury his cow?”
and Elijah is like “Shhhhhhh”
and he does that think where he presses one finger to Jachanan’s lips
and sorta smushes them in a gross way
long after the rabbi has stopped trying to talk
he just keeps rubbing his finger on those lips
like they are the world’s tiniest fleshiest violin
and his finger is the bow.
but then finally he’s like “Listen
That poor dude from before?
His wife was scheduled to die that night
but God was so grateful for his hospitality
he killed the dude’s cow instead.
And that rich dude’s wall
has a fucking treasure chest hidden inside it
if he fixed the wall himself, he’d find it.
He doesn’t deserve that treasure
so boom, I fixed the wall.”
And the rabbi is like “Okay
I mean, that’s a little better
but couldn’t god have just not killed the cow OR the wife?
why did one of them have to die?
Couldn’t he just kill the rich dude instead?
Couldn’t he kill the rich dude and then teleport the treasure out of his house
and into the poor guy’s house?
Is it possible
that God
is just really fucking lazy?”
and Elijah is like “Dude, not so loud!
The big man is a fucking psychopath
did you hear about what He did to Job?
don’t let Him hear you saying that shit!”
and Jachanan is like “Oh, ok, I get it.
I mean HAHA, GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS AM I RIGHT”

So the moral of the story
is if somebody doesn’t let you crash at their sweet pad
just bust up all their walls with a hammer
even if you don’t find treasure
you will have fucked up their walls and that’s fun.

The end.

Kullervo Dies Finally

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So Kullervo just banged his sister so hard she killed herself
and now he’s looking for a distraction
because that’s not the kind of thing you want to dwell on
so he’s like “I KNOW
I’LL KILL UNTAMO
THE DUDE WHO CHASED OFF MY PARENTS
AND THEN TRIED TO RAISE ME
UNTIL I KILLED LIKE EVERYONE IN HIS HOUSE.”
and his mom is like “No dude, don’t do it.”
and Kullervo’s like “I GOTTA”
and his mom is like “why?”
and he’s like “BECAUSE OF REASONS.”

So he goes to all his surviving family members one by one
and asks them if they’ll miss him while he’s gone
and his dad is like “No, fuck you
you destroyed my boat and my nets and fucked my daughter to death
you are basically the worst.”
and his brother is like “Yeah no, seriously fuck you”
and his surviving sister is like “Yeah, please leave
before you accidentally have sex with me in a sled you creeper.”
and Kullervo is like “FINE
I DON’T NEED YOU GUYS ANYWAY
I’LL MAKE MY OWN FAMILY
OUT OF SNOW AND BRANCHES AND BERRIES AND SHIT
I’M A WIZARD
BUILDING A FAMILY IS TRIVIAL.”

Then he goes to his mom and he’s like “Hey will you miss me?”
and she’s like “WHAT?
OF COURSE!
I LOVE YOU, SON
DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE EXCLUSIVELY DONE TERRIBLE THINGS
FOR YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE
I AM SOMEHOW DOOMED TO NOT WANT YOU DEAD
IT IS A SPECIAL, LONELY HELL FOR ME.”
And Kullervo is like “Awesome, thanks mom.”
Then he leaves.

So he’s riding over to Untamo’s place
and a messenger catches up with him, like “Hey, your dad’s dead.
You should prolly go home and bury him.”
and Kullervo is like “HAHA SUCKER.
Nah I’d love to but I really have to go murder this other guy.”
and then another messenger comes and is like “Your brother is dead.”
and Kullervo is like “LOL”
and then another messenger comes and is like “Your sister is dead.”
and Kullervo is like “THAT’S WHAT SHE GETS FOR NOT HAVING SEX WITH ME
AM I RIGHT?
HIGH FIVE.”
But that messenger just leaves him hanging
and then ANOTHER messenger comes
and is like “Dude, your mom is dead.”
and Kullervo is like “Oh shit, SERIOUSLY?
You mean, the one person in the entire goddamn world
who doesn’t think I’m an asshole
is now DEAD?!”
and the messenger is like “Well if it’s any consolation
she also thought you were an asshole
she was just forced to love you because motherhood.”
and Kullervo is like “BALLS.”

But he still REALLY wants to kill Untamo
so he prays to Ukko for a sweet sword
and Ukko is like “sure dude,
have a sword.”
And then Kullervo shows up at Untamo’s place
kills everyone
burns down all their houses
and leaves.
I’ve just spent more lines describing that battle than the original does.
It’s really not a big deal, apparently.

After all that murder, Kullervo’s like “Welp, better go home.”
So he goes home
and BIG SURPRISE
his house is emptier than the bowels of a die-hard laxative addict.
Seriously I have no idea why he even went home
those messengers straight up told him his whole family was dead
what, does he not trust those messengers?
I mean … I guess messengers have fucked up before.
Probably a smart move on Kullervo’s part, to be honest.

But if it is, it’s the only smart move Kullervo makes
because then he wanders off into the forest
with the magic sword Ukko gave him
and he’s like “Hey magic sword
you can talk, right?”
and the sword is like “Yeah, duh.
I’m a magic sword.”
and Kullervo is like “Cool, cool.
Would you mind stabbing me in the heart and drinking all my blood?
I’m just not feeling great right now and I think that would help.”
and the sword is like “Well, suicide is never really a solution to anything
but you did just make me kill like a thousand innocent people
so I’m okay with it.”
and Kullervo is like “Okay, rad.”
then he stabs himself and dies.

So, the moral of the original story
is actually good enough
that I’m going to reproduce it here:
don’t raise your children badly
(I mean, that’s a given)
but also
don’t give them out to strangers
especially if they’re wizards.
Seriously, who just goes around passing out wizard babies?
A wizard baby, properly husbanded
can be the jewel of any farm
but handled poorly
they just become big screaming piles of poop and incest
sort of like a Tamagotchi
OF MURDER.

THE END.

Mountains are Jerks

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So when last we left Kullervo
he had killed his shitty hostess
at the house that he was sent to
by his shitty foster parents
who were terrified of wizards.
Now he’s walking through the forest
and he’s feeling kind of lonely
no you know what, fuck this meter.

Kullervo’s like “Boo hoo, I have no friends.”
YEAH GUESS WHAT, FUCKBELL
YOU KILL EVERYONE YOU MEET
THAT’S A VERY BAD WAY TO MAKE FRIENDS.
But then this chick rolls up like “Hey boy why you cryin?”
and Kullervo is like “Uh … uh … for MANLY reasons
like, my foster dad Untamo killed my real parents
and now I’m going to kill HIM!!!”
and the lady is like “Dude, chill
your parents are still alive.”
And Kullervo is like “OH SHIT, WHERE?”
and she’s like “Thou must journey through the forest,
Hasten to the river-border,
Travel one day, then a second,
And the third from morn till even,
To the north-west, thou must journey.
If a mountain comes to meet thee-”
and he’s like “Fuck it, I’ll just google map it.”

So he gets to this little fisherman’s shack
where his parents live now because they’re hiding
and he’s like “Hey mom I’m your son what’s up?”
and his mom is like “OMG KULLERVO
BOY AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU
I was pretty sure you were dead
and your sister is definitely dead
so that was 2 dead kids and I was bummed
now it’s fine though.”

But Kullervo doesn’t think it’s fine
he’s like “Hold up, what happened to my sister?”
so his mom’s like “Well she went out to pick berries
up in the mountains
and then she didn’t come back
so i went out looking for her
and I was yelling and yelling
and the mountains were finally like ‘bitch stop yelling, she’s dead.’
so … there you go.”

But this is Finland
Misery is the national currency here
Kullervo doesn’t have time to grieve
he’s got to WORK.
His dad’s a fisherman, so he decides to help out with that
they go out on a canoe
and Kullervo’s paddling
and he’s like “Okay dad
do you want me to paddle like a wussy geezer
or do you want me to go FULL THROTTLE?”
and his dad is like “What are we, girl babies?
this boat is built to withstand paddling forces
of up to 200 Booyahs
you couldn’t break this boat with your paddling
if each of your arms was a Hercules made of other, tinier Herculii.
FULL THROTTLE, SON.”
So Kullervo takes him at his word
and paddles that boat to fucking pieces
and his dad is like “Wow, you’re terrible at boat
how about you scare fish into my nets instead?”

So Kullervo is like “Okay, dad
do you want me to scare fish like a grumpy toddler
or do you want me to go FULLLLL THROTTTLLLEEE?”
and his dad is like “WHAT ARE WE, BABY INFANTS?
FULL THROTTLE, SON.”
And Kullervo is like “Wow, okay
really thought you would have learned from last time.”
And he scares those salmon so hard
they tear up all the nets
and then pulp themselves into meat salad
just to escape Kullervo’s wizard hands.

So Kullervo’s dad is like “Son
you are an enormous, terrifying disappointment.
The entire beach is now a saltwater and fish smoothie
and it is all your fault.
How about this:
how about you run my taxes down to the post office for me.
Do you think you can do that?”
and Kullervo is like “Do you want me to do it like a pile of wet mice
or do you want me to do it -”
and his dad is like “A pile of wet mice is fine. Just go.”

So Kullervo goes and mails his dad’s taxes
and on the way back
he sees a hot chick in snow shoes
so he pulls up in his sweet sled
chrome sleighbells
20″ dogs
and he’s like “Hey girl
you need a ride?”
and she’s like “Go to hell, creeper.”
and he’s like “FINE” and peels out.

But then half a mile later
he runs up on ANOTHER hot chick in snow shoes
and he’s like “Hey babe
need a ride?”
and she’s like “Ew, go to hell.”
and he’s like “FINE!!!” and peels out again.

But then, half a mile later
he rolls up on a THIRD hot chick in snow shoes
and he’s feeling lucky so he’s like “Hey tootsiepuss
need a ride?”
and she’s like “Ugh, gross. As if.”
and he’s like “WHAT THE FUCK, COME ON.
I’M A WIZARD AND MY SLED IS LEGIT.
HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU”
and he grabs her and drags her into his sled
and she’s like “WTF DUDE THIS IS ASSAULT”
and he’s like “OH IS IT?
WHAT IF I SHOW YOU … ALL THIS TREASURE I HAVE?”
and she’s like “Oh
dang
suddenly I’m into you.”
Then they have sex.

So these two terrible people finish banging
and get back to calmly sledding across the Finnish tundra.
But the calm does not last
because the lady turns to Kullervo and she’s like “Hey
this might be a weird question
but who’s your dad?”
and he’s like “Kalervo.”
and she’s like “OMG ME TOO
I’M YOUR LONG LOST SISTER
I got lost in the woods one day
and I kept yelling for my mom
(WHOOPS I MEAN OUR MOM)
and finally the mountains were like ‘bitch stop yelling no one’s coming.’
And I’ve just been wandering around ever since.
Anyway, gotta go kill myself for having sex with you now.
Thanks for the orgasms I guess!”
and Kullervo is like “Wow I really fucked the dog on that one
and by the dog I mean my biological sister
that is just the worst.”

So basically
if Kullervo hadn’t forced a random woman into his car
dazzled her with riches and then had sex with her
he wouldn’t have done incest to his sister
and she wouldn’t have thrown herself into a fucking lake
which makes this story one of the earliest fables
to caution against street harassment.

Thank you, goodnight.