Yes it is greek history time again
which means it is time to learn about assholes
or really, one asshole
generally when we talk about history
we tend to focus on one or two assholes at a time
(or else whole huge groups of assholes that run in packs
leaving great greasy black trails of shit all over everything
but that’s gross so today we’re only talking about one)

this asshole on which we are focusing today
is attached to a dude named Alcibiades
and he is objectively the HOTTEST DUDE TO EVER HAVE LIVED
he is so hot that people find themselves unable to call him on any of his bullshit
and my friends
Alcibiades is the source of a whole BARREL FULL of bullshit
a REALLY LARGE barrel
like REALLY LARGE
like … they don’t make barrels as large as the barrel i’m imagining here
so maybe barrel was the wrong word
maybe “vat” would be more appropriate
no actually
boat
a huge cruise-liner full of bullshit
floating on a gently rolling sea of bullshit
and then it rains and you discover that the clouds were also made of bullshit
and now it’s raining bullshit
it’s really unpleasant, is what I’m saying
it’s really unpleasant for anybody but Alcibiades

Seriously, dude can get away with anything
one time he gets invited to a party
and he doesn’t want to go
but then he gets drunk at home
and decides to crash the party
and have his servants straight up steal HALF THE SILVERWARE
and the host of the party is like HAHA THAT’S OKAY
HE’S ACTUALLY BEING REALLY CONSIDERATE BY NOT TAKING THE OTHER HALF
another time Alcibiades punches a famous dude in the face on a dare
and his only punishment is GETTING TO MARRY THAT DUDE’S DAUGHTER
who he impregnates
and then he demands more money from her father to support the baby
and then when his wife tries to divorce him for buying too many prostitutes
he literally picks her up and carries her to another city
and i guess keeps carrying her with him everywhere he goes until she dies
and nobody does anything about it because HE’S SO SEXY

but there is exactly one person who is willing to call bullshit
and that is the dude who is a bad enough dude to call bullshit on LIFE ITSELF
yeah babies
i’m talking about SOCRATES
I mean don’t get me wrong
Socrates is just as hypnotized by Alcibiades’ wang as everybody else
but he is also actively engaged in trying to make Alcibiades use his wang for good
rather than for dumb
basically Alcibiades is Dorian Gray
and Socrates is his Basil
and EVERY OTHER PERSON IN ATHENS is Henry

so naturally debauchery wins out
and Alcibiades does the only natural thing for jerks to do in athens:
he runs for office
and he wins
because
well
i’m not sure if I’ve said this yet
but he’s SUPER HOT
and then he immediately starts screwing things up for everyone including himself

you see, at this time in athens, Alcibiades is not the only popular dude
there are exactly two others
one of them is called Nicias, and Alcibiades cannot STAND him
cause Athens happens to be at war with Sparta at the time
which is not unusual because Sparta is basically at war with EVERYONE ALL THE TIME
(seriously i don’t get how greece is even a country)
and Nicias has been doing everything he can to stop the war
which Alcibiades thinks is lame because he fucking crazy

pretty soon Sparta sends a couple of diplomats to Athens
and these diplomats are actually special SUPER-diplomats
with the power to make whatever the hell deals they want
they’re there because Nicias told them to come there
so naturally Alcibiades has to fuck this all up

he calls the diplomats up and he’s like yo guys
i hear you wanna meet with the people of athens tomorrow
and make some sweet deals
my advice is don’t do that
the people of athens are all total assholes
and if you tell them you have any kind of decision-making power
they will destroy you like new prison ass
TRUST ME

so the next day the diplomats show up in front of everyone
and Alcibiades is like hey guys do you have the power to make deals?
and they’re like NOPE
and Alcibiades is like YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES
HOW DARE YOU COME HERE NOT BEING ABLE TO MAKE DEALS
NICIAS HOW DARE YOU BRING THESE NON-DEAL-MAKIN’ MOTHERFUCKERS UP IN HERE
and Nicias is like …?

so Athens gets to keep being at war with Sparta
and Alcibiades gets to be general, because it looks like he’s super keen on war
and he abuses this power by immediately hatching a plan to take over sicily
as part of a crazy Alexander-the-Great style plan to take over EVERYTHING
but nobody realizes how crazy the plan is because Alcibiades is SO SEXY

okay, that’s a lie
there are some people who are not dazzled by the light glistening off his pecs
and these people come up with a great scheme to destroy him:
see, apparently Alcibiades has been having the ancient greek equivalent
of some late-night Rocky Horror Picture Show screenings
where everyone dresses up as priests from one of the local temples
and then they all re-enact some sacred ritual or whatever
(wearing fishnets? I don’t know
I was trying to come up with a good metaphor, forgive me)
and at the same time as they’re doing this
some jerk is running around athens
chopping the dicks off of statues of hermes
and that wouldn’t be a big deal
greek statues don’t have very big dicks anyway
but the statues of hermes are LITERALLY NOTHING BUT A HEAD AND A DICK:

So all the devout hermes-worshippers
and super-lazy sculptors
are obviously really mad about this part
and since Alcibiades has to leave to help with this war he started
his enemies take the opportunity to get everyone REALLY MAD about this stuff
and vote to kill him when he comes home
so they send a boat to ask him to come home
and he’s like uh
naw
I think actually what I’m going to do is defect to sparta
peace

so he defects to sparta
and sets them up in a fort right outside Athens
then gets kicked out of sparta for fucking the king’s wife
and joins the persians
because really he isn’t ready to be a father

so as soon as he’s working for the persians he starts calling up Athens
(which is still fighting Sparta)
and he’s like yo guys
if you set up a new government and make me part of it
I’ll totally come back home and bring all these persian troops
which is total bullshit
but they set up the new government anyway
because it’s super unjust in a way that appeals to rich people
and then they bring Alcibiades back even though he can’t bring any Persian troops
…because he’s hot?

but it’s okay
he actually does a really good job for Athens in the war
mainly because he knows that if he goes back home without doing a good job
he’ll be killed for that weird religious stuff he did
and also the dick-chopping
(which i guess was also religious and weird
but it deserves its own category because i wanted to say dick-chopping again)

so he does all that good stuff and goes home
and he’s well-received and everything
but then he needs to go fight sparta again
and he loses somehow
so Athens fires him again
along with all its other good generals
which is a great strategy if your goal is to get conquered by sparta
which is pretty much what happens
and then meanwhile Alcibiades runs back to persia
and gets burned to death in his house by some Spartans
which means, yes
he finally died from being too hot.

so the moral of the story
is that honesty is the best policy
unless you’re sexy

the end.

So my best friend is a history teacher
and as he recently brought to my attention
it is entirely possible
that the reason that greek mythology is so exquisitely messed up
is that greek HISTORY is also just a big bucket full of live eels and crazyjuice
allow me to present to you yet another example of this:

So when we talk about Greece
what we’re actually talking about is a bunch of adjacent cities
that all happen to speak the same language
but all totally hate each other
sort of like a united states of america where every state is Texas
and inside each of these cities
there are a bunch of dudes
who all happen to speak the same language
but all totally hate each other
Sort of like Texas if every person in Texas was Texas

one of these cities is called Athens
you may remember it as the city largely responsible for beating off the Persians
(haha that could be interpreted sexually)
and Athens is also the city that usually has the most bling
and also the most government
which means that all of these Athenian citizens
(who, remember, fucking hate each other)
are busy trying to use the government as a money vacuum to get them all that money
some of them come up with pretty neat strategies
like this guy Pisistratus

So Pisistratus starts out as a general
in a war against another greek city, Megara
(what did I tell you about hating each other)
and he does a pretty good job in the war
which makes him kind of popular
but not quite “President of Athens” popular
so he pushes it a little further

see there’s three major political factions in Athens
there are the grain farmers who live in the plains
who are rich as fuck because the Megarans have been blocking the ports for a long time
and all anybody can eat is grain
then there are the people who live on the coast
who are pretty poor but they’re still okay because i guess they have fish or whatever
and then there are the hill people
who don’t have jack shit because they live in the hills and why would you do that

so naturally Pisistratus decides to make friends with the hill people
who are not only ridiculously poor
but are also the smallest and least influential faction
which sounds stupid
until you take into account that Pisistratus also has an alliance with the coastal people
who are lead by a dude named Megacles
and you can’t go wrong with an ally named Megacles

except even with the two factions combined, Pisistratus still doesn’t have enough dudes
so what he does
and this, my friends, is brilliant
is he stages an attempt on his OWN LIFE
uses that as grounds to get the Athenian government to give him bodyguards
and then uses those bodyguards TO TAKE OVER THE ATHENIAN GOVERNMENT
my friends
that would be like if you faked a heart attack
to get a Paramedic to give you nitroglycerin
and then you used that nitroglycerin to BLOW UP CONGRESS
it’s a DICK MOVE is what i’m saying.

but so now Pisistratus is Tyrant of Athens
(that is his actual official title
cause greeks don’t fuck around)
and he starts doing all the stuff you’d expect a tyrant to do
like funding the arts
and giving land and legal representation to the poor
and … what?
this dude just took over the government with swords
why is he being nice
Tyrants aren’t supposed to establish bands of traveling judges to settle disputes in the countryside
they’re supposed to establish bands of traveling kidnappers to draft young men and women into the tyrant’s personal blowjob brigade
they’re not supposed to commission the first ever definitive transcriptions of the Odyssey and Iliad
they’re supposed to commission the first ever transcription of “I am Great and my Nuts are Huge: The Pisistratus Story by Pisistratus”

an instant classic

What the hell is this guy doing
he knows he’s a tyrant, right?

so obviously Megacles is like what the fuck, man
i allied with you on the condition that you were gonna be a huge dick
this is unacceptable
so he turns around and allies with the plains-dwellers
and Pisistratus gets exiled
but WHATEVER
this is ancient Greece
dudes are gettin’ exiled all DAY
Pisistratus just sends a message to Megacles like dude
If you let me back into the city, I’ll bang your daughter
and Megacles is like SOLD
so Pisistratus returns to the city
but what he didn’t tell Megacles
is that he was planning on returning in a gold chariot
accompanied by a hot chick who he intends to pass off as ATHENA HERSELF
AND HE SUCCEEDS
AND EVERYONE IS LIKE HOLY SHIT, ATHENA IS SUPER INTO THIS DUDE
LET’S MAKE HIM OUR TYRANT AGAIN
AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS
GUYS
THIS IS LIKE IF AFTER BLOWING UP CONGRESS WITH NITROGLYCERIN
THEY SENT YOU TO GUANTANAMO BAY
BUT THEN YOU CAME BACK IN A STRETCH LIMO
ACCOMPANIED BY A HOBO YOU HAD PAID TO DRESS UP LIKE THE GHOST OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN
AND THEN YOU GOT TO BE PRESIDENT
GUYS
WHY DO I NOT LIVE IN ANCIENT GREECE

so anyway, Pisistratus goes back to being a suspiciously nice dude
but he makes one crucial mistake
the crucial mistake he makes is that he always uses protection when he bangs Megacles’ daughter
and Megacles is having none of that
he’s like PISISTRATUS
I NEED YOU TO PUT A BABY IN MY DAUGHTER
and Pisistratus is like HELL NO SHE UGLY
and Megacles is like GETTIN EXILED AGAIN BITCH
and Pisistratus is like aw noooooooo

but it’s okay
because while he’s exiled he just gets super rich
buys a big army
and takes over Athens FOR A THIRD TIME
it is said that only half of the army was actually necessary to take over the city
the other half was just the manpower required to widen the gates of Athens
to accommodate Pisistratus’s HUGE FUCKING TESTICLES

so at this point everyone is like fuck it
we can keep exiling this dude til the cows come home
(and there are a lot of cows in this country, let me tell you)
but he’s just gonna keep coming back and taking over the government
so maybe we should just go with it
and they do
and it’s pretty rad
until he dies and then someone assassinates one of his sons
and then his other son turns into a jerk
and then Athens has to go back to being a boring old democracy

so the moral of the story
is that if you pull off any crime three times in a row
it becomes legal

the end.

Everybody loves wars
they cost a lot of money and people get killed
it’s super important to do
that’s why we do it so much
but my friends
what if I told you that I knew about a war
that was like
THE MOST IMPORTANT WAR EVER
would you say HOLY SHIT OVID
TELL ME ABOUT THIS WAR?
God I hope so
because that’s what I’m going to do.

So back in oldetimes BC there is this king named Xerxes
he is king of a place called persia
and I guess persia is getting pretty boring
because one day he decides he’s gonna burn down Greece
so he puts together the biggest army ever
there are like a billion dudes
and elephants
and weird deformed priests on crazy chariots and shit
trust me, i read it in a comic book
or actually, i just saw the movie that was based on the comic book
PRIMARY SOURCE

so greece sees all this shit coming
and they’re like oh no
what do we do
what do we do
and Themistocles is like I’LL TELL YOU WHAT WE DO:
WE NUT UP
OR WE SHUT UP
AND I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS
BUT I DON’T PLAN ON EVER SHUTTING UP EVER
SO IT’S NUTS OR BUST UP IN HERE

whoa whoa whoa
who is this Themistocles guy though?
WELL I’M GLAD YOU ASKED
(I’m just assuming you guys are saying all KINDS of shit today.
And yes I have been working out
thanks for noticing.)
Themistocles is a dude who lives in Athens
and Athens has a straight up, no-bullshit democracy
which means any crazy asshole can be president
and Themistocles is just the crazy asshole for the job
he doesn’t want to be president though
unless you mean president of ALL THE GUNS
in fact for the five or so years preceding the persian invasion
he’s just been standing in the middle of the senate house
yelling BUILD MORE SHIPS
WE NEED MORE SHIPS
and he is such a good yeller
that people have been DOING IT
and now Athens has more ships than anybody else
and Themistocles is taking advantage

so immediately he starts telling all the other greek cities what to do
because he has all the boats and he figures that makes him king shit
his plan is to gather everybody’s boats together
and then be king of all the boats
and then win the war somehow?
but one of those greek cities he’s trying to tell what to do is Sparta
whose motto is “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
and they are taking absolutely NO sass from this puffed-up senator
and Themistocles is like okay fine guys
I’ll make you a deal
We do what I say
and in exchange, I’ll pretend like one of your dudes is in charge of the boats
and
AND
you get to send all your best warriors on a suicide mission to this narrow ravine up north
where we can maybe bottleneck the persians and kill them one by one
which will force them to get on boats and sail into my army of boats
after totally not killing all of you
how does that sound?
and Sparta is like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

But sparta isn’t the only city Themistocles has to convince to do something really really stupid
he also has to convince this other city
called ATHENS
yeah that’s right
he goes back to his own city and he’s like GUYS
LITERALLY ALL THE GUYS
I NEED YOU ALL TO GET ON BOATS
ABANDON YOUR LOVED ONES IN OUR TOTALLY UNDEFENDED CITY
AND SAIL WITH ME SO I CAN BE KING OF ALL THE BOATS
YOU NEED TO DO THIS BECAUSE I’M REALLY PERSUASIVE
HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
And all the Athenian dudes are like RHETORIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC

so everybody gets convinced
and the plan goes off without a hitch
except for the hitch where the entire land army trying to bottleneck the persians is slaughtered
and the hitch where the boats are forced to retreat
and Athens is burned to the ground
and the fleet is cornered in a series of narrow sea passages
that are the last barrier between Xerxes and EVERYTHING ELSE IN GREECE

But everyone is still really impressed with Themistocles
because, maybe I didn’t make this clear enough
but this guy is REALLY good at talking
and he is also basically THE sneakiest bastard

see, what he does
is while the ships are retreating
he stops at every port where Xerxes might stop to get water
and he leaves a note like
“DEAR EVERY GREEK SOLDIER WHO HAS BEEN FORCED INTO THE PERSIAN ARMY
PLEASE DO A REALLY BAD JOB OF FIGHTING
LOVE, THEMISTOCLES”
the reason he is doing this, you see
is so that Xerxes will begin to distrust all the greek dudes in his army
which begs the question
WHY DOES THAT GUY EVEN HAVE GREEK DUDES IN HIS ARMY?
THAT’S LIKE MAKING A SUIT OF ARMOR OUT OF INWARD-FACING SWORDS

anyway I don’t know if that brilliant gambit works or not
because Xerxes and the rest of the persian boats make it to Salamis
which is the place where all the Greek ships are hiding
and also the plural of Salami
And everyone is like oh shit we are so boned
except Themistocles
who is like LET ME BONE THIS SHIT
so he sends Xerxes a really nice letter
the letter is like
Dear Xerxes
hey buddy
great war so far
I’m actually pretty tired
so I figure I’ll just join your team
these greek guys sort of suck
they are like
mega disorganized
totally attackable
probably all you need to do is rush in blindly with your ships
into a winding system of tiny sea passages that will make your large numbers useless
just some advice from one friend to another
enjoy the war!
love,
Themistocles
And Xerxes is like
OH MY GOD WHAT A GREAT IDEA

so he charges into the straits
and it turns out that the straits are actually pretty dire
and most of his ships get sunk
and he’s like fuuuuck
and runs away back to Persia
and the day is saved!
Thanks to lying!

But guess what, guys?
It turns out that a dude who is super good at lying to people
is not actually someone you want as a politician
it only takes Athens a couple of years to get COMPLETELY sick of his bullshit
and kick him out
and Sparta still has a bone to pick with him because of that whole suicide-mission thing
so they take the opportunity to kick him out of Greece entirely
so he’s like fuck
Guess i better go work for the persians.

AND THAT’S WHAT HE DOES
the dude who is primarily responsible for Greece’s survival in the Persian wars
goes ahead and joins the losing team
he gets MAD hookups, too
like 5 cities worth of loot, paid in installments
he is living the high life.
There’s only one problem though
when Greece decides to go to war with Persia again
the king of persia comes to Themistocles like yo
think you could help me murder all these greeks?
and Themistocles is like oh man
I feel like SUCH a jerk right now
I think I’m going to kill myself.

So he does
he totally drinks poison and dies
or, according to some people, he drinks bull’s blood
which is a pretty gross thing to do, and so i guess he dies from being too gross
unless “bull’s blood” is just a mistranslation of “red bull”
in which case he dies for the obvious reasons.
everyone thinks this is a really appropriate thing to do
because they’re fucking savages

so the moral of the story
once again
is that lying is totally overpowered
unless you wuss out and grow a conscience partway through

the end.