Krishna Probably Has Terrible Dental Hygiene

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Last week I told you about what a larcenous lardass little Krishna is
so today I feel it is only fair
to explain to you why it is
that his foster momma Yasoda lets him get away with this shit
(spoilers: it’s because he’s a god)

Basically what it comes down to
is that butter is not the only thing Krishna is constantly stuffing in his mouth
matter of fact
there are few things Krishna WON’T shove through the ol’ tooth-hole
seriously, if you cut open the child-god’s stomach
it’d be a cross between candyland and a dead shark
mountains of sugar-butter just barely obscuring old boots and tires and less immortal children
so naturally Yasoda starts to get a little worried
cause she’s supposed to be taking care of this kid
and he’s just eating whatever shit comes his way
she’s never seen him eat actual shit, but she knows it’s just a matter of time
and at this time, Kansa is still king
so the department of child welfare is under his control
so she can’t afford another complaint from the neighbors

all this to say
that she gets a little paranoid about what Krishna is putting in his mouth
so one day she sees him out in the garden with a big handful of dirt
chewing thoughtfully
and she runs over like KRISHNA YOU SPIT OUT THAT DIRT RIGHT NOW
and Krishna is like what
what dirt?
and she’s like THE DIRT THAT IS IN YOUR MOUTH, YOU LITTLE PRICK
and he’s like I ain’t got no dirt in my mouth
and Yasoda is like oh come on you impudent baby
you are clearly eating soil right now
and he’s like no i’m not
and she’s like okay, prove it
open up your mouth and let me look inside
and NO SWALLOWING
(it just occured to me that there are probably a lot more situations in life
where you are encouraged to swallow, as opposed to discouraged
just something to ponder)

so Krishna is like fine
and he opens his mouth
and Yasoda looks inside
and sees
THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE
like there’s the earth
and space
and the ghosts of christmas past present and future
high-fiving the flying spaghetti monster
and Jesus and Sekhmet are having a boat race
and Cthulu is there
and there are supernovas going off all the time
and cosmic dust, and everybody’s embarassing secrets
all the shit you haven’t done yet, but could potentially do if you were drunk enough
plus all the booze to make it happen
plus all the oxygen
all the carbon
all the hydrogen, helium and goldfish snack crackers necessary for life as we know it
plus a really big gross tongue
and Yasoda is like
whoah

so Krishna closes his mouth
and Yasoda is like okay so obviously you’re the lord of the universe
that is what that means
but you know what else that means?
it means you were LYING, you little shit
you totally have dirt in your mouth!
you have literally ALL OF THE DIRT IN YOUR MOUTH
then she bends him over her knee
and spanks the crap out of him
it takes a while
there is a lot of crap to spank out.

So the moral of the story
is that you shouldn’t put everything you encounter in your mouth
but if you have everything in your mouth already
you’re pretty set
what I mean is, there’s always a loophole
and sometimes that hole is your mouth

the end.

Krishna is a Butterface

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So I told you a story last week
about how Krishna evaded a non-consensual abortion
with a mind-bendingly biological version of the cup-and-ball trick
and I’ve already told you about the lady who tried to kill Krishna shortly thereafter
using the unlikeliest/sexiest of all weapons:
her tits
but what I haven’t told you
is why all these people want Krishna dead.
see, according to a number of reliable sources
Krishna
8th incarnation of the lord of the universe
is a little prick.
allow me to illustrate:

Krishna loves butter
i mean he loves butter
like I feel as if we all know people
whose eating habits are so poor
that they might as well just be eating nothing but butter all the time
but Krishna is actually going whole hog on this losing proposition
he’s cashed in his god status for a set of teflon arteries
and is proceeding to further grease those arteries
with gallons and gallons of pure, high-octane butter

this would be marginally more okay
if Krishna had, like, a job
where he made money that might allow him to purchase butter
but Krishna has discovered a neat life hack called “stealing”
that allows him to slurp from the unlimited buttertrough
FREE OF CHARGE
ALL DAY EVERY DAY
HE DOESN’T NEED TO SLEEP OR ANYTHING EVEN
BECAUSE REMEMBER
HE’S A GOD
HE IS A GOD AND THIS IS WHAT HE IS DOING WITH HIS TIME.

now I don’t know how familiar you guys are with stealing
but generally it makes the people you are stealing from pretty mad
especially if in addition to stealing
you are also doing things like letting out their cows
and pissing on their floors
and pinching their babies if they don’t have any butter for you
real high-efficiency dickery, you know?
so finally everybody in town gets together
and they go over to Krishna’s foster mom Yasoda and they’re like Yo
your son is a menace
he’s stealing all our butter and there’s nothing we can do
we try hanging it up high
and he stands on the shoulders of his friends
we try hanging bells on the butter to warn us
but he commands the bells to be silent
we try putting the butter in pitch-dark rooms
but he ILLUMINATES THE ROOMS WITH THE DIVINE EFFULGENCE OF THE MANY PRECIOUS GEMS ON HIS BODY
LADY
WHY IS YOUR SON COVERED IN DIVINELY EFFULGENT GEMS
WHY IS HE USING HIS SUPERPOWERS FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF EATING OUR BUTTER
WHAT THE HELL LADY

and Yasoda’s like yeah I know
I know okay
you think he’s not stealing my butter too?
he steals my butter the worst of all!
he’s like a regular Jerry Mouse up in my cow product
and if I call him out on it
like hey kid you stole my butter
he’s just like I have no idea what you’re talking about
and if I point out the fact that he is literally COVERED in butter
he’s like oh that
yeah
well it’s probably your fault anyway
so then I tie him to a pillar, like you do in these situations
but the rope won’t fit
so he has to tie it for me
and then he looks at me all innocent and he’s like hey mom
if we own everything in our house
then how could I be stealing butter?
and I’m like KRISHNA
YOU ARE A FUCKING TODDLER
YOU DON’T OWN SHIT
THIS IS MY BUTTER, STEP THE FUCK BACK
and then he’s like But Mother
I’m tied to this pillar
I cannot step anywhere at all
AND GUYS
I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE JEWELS COME FROM EITHER
THEY’RE JUST KIND OF THERE
UGH

now I wish I could tell you that at some point Krishna learns his lesson
and stops stealing butter
and you know what? He does eventually stop stealing butter
but it’s not because he feels bad
it’s because he’s moved on to stealing poontang
(which is a whole other story)
but apparently the whole point of his butter stealing
is to teach everyone a valuable lesson about ownership or something
which is sort of like if I chopped your arm off and ate it
in order to teach you a valuable lesson about cannibalism

so the real moral of the story
is if your kid starts stealing all your butter
just stop buying food for a while
see how long that little fucker lasts

the end.

Krishna Waltzes Right Into A Womb

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so a long long long time ago
the world sucked
and gods were pissed
but these particular gods were in India
home to a somewhat chiller breed of god
so instead of just flooding everything and starting over
they decide to send in their MVP to fix their problem

their MVP has a lot of names
like a thousand
seriously, dude has more names than the entire silmarillion
but most of them are irrelevant to our purposes here
so let’s just call him Vishnu
LORD OF THE UNIVERSE
(but only for a couple paragraphs
he’s gonna change names pretty quick)

so vishnu is just hanging out
on a snake in the middle of the milk ocean
when Brahma (another important god type dude)
paddles up in his meditation boat and is like hey man
earth is fucked right the hell up
I’m tagging you in
and Vishnu is like chill out dude
I know all about that shit
i was actually just making arrangements to get born down there
so I can simultaneously fix everything/steal massive quantities of butter
and Brahma is like oh awesome

and true to his word
Vishnu flies down to earth and shoves himself right up in some lady’s womb
this is not difficult for Vishnu
not only is he the god of everything
but he’s totally pulled this type of womb-foolery before
seven times, in fact
and each time he comes out as a different type of dude
with a different personality and everything
so for those of you keeping score at home
Vishnu is basically a cross between Jesus Christ and a Time Lord

but apparently even seven practice wombs have not made Vishnu very good at target selection
because the womb he selects belongs to a lady named Devaki
who happens to be in prison
because her brother (king Kansa) received a prophecy that said Devaki’s eighth kid would kill him
and prison is a tried and true method of dealing with this.

So Devaki is just chilling in her prison cell
pumping out babies like crazy
and Kansa is straight murdering all those babies
even though none of them are the eighth baby
and I assume that being able to count is a prerequisite for kingship
like, it’s definitely a prerequisite for being a count
and a king is a lot higher up on the food chain
but maybe not
maybe he just has his counts count shit for him
maybe that is the true secret of feudalism.

ANYWAY
Devaki gets up to baby number seven
and I guess she’s finally figured out that Kansa is going to murder her babies
so what she does
and this is really brilliant
is she takes her womb
and stuffs it in her friend rohini’s womb
like a pre-natal turducken
and rohini sneaks away with a covert baby inside her
and secretly gives birth
TO VISHNU??
no idiot
this is only the seventh baby
vishnu has to be the eighth baby because the eighth baby is the special one
plus we still have to come up with another name for him
because names are awesome

So Devaki tells Kansa that she totally miscarried on baby number 7
so Kansa isn’t sure whether the next baby will count as baby number 8
but it doesn’t really matter cause he’s just going to kill it regardless
plus it doesn’t really matter because Devaki just GAVE HER FUCKING WOMB AWAY
so it’s not like she’s gonna have any more babies
RIGHT?

WRONG
cause when your baby is Vishnu
LORD OF THE UNIVERSE
you need wombs like you need a hole in the crotch
I mean
wait
no you still need the hole though
but anyway so Vishnu just crawls into Devaki’s anti-womb
becomes Krishna
THINLY-DISGUISED LORD OF THE UNIVERSE
and then shoots out her snatch and out of the prison
before he can get snatched by Kansa and Ko and turned into baby powder
then he goes to live with his foster mother Yasoda
who just gave birth to another goddess, that being Durga
and they hang out and have crazy adventures
and eventually Krishna does kill Kansa, obviously
but all of that is a whole other story

the moral of this story meanwhile
is that most ladies DON’T have detachable plumbing
so if someone locks you in a room and says they’re gonna kill all your babies
perhaps abstinence is worth considering?
or at least the rhythm method?
like for real, six dead babies?
that’s a barbershop quartet and a half
think about THAT, you monsters.

the end.

Best. Prostitute. EVER.

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So I have a desk
this desk groans under the weight of many a mythological tome
and from time to time i will select a tome at random
and plunder it for material
one of these books is called The Giant Book of Myths And Legends
and it’s sort of like the costco bulk toilet paper of mythology
like if Kirkland sold myths, this is the book they would sell
i’m not saying it’s bad
it’s just repackaged with a generic brand name and sold in quantity

so this is the book I opened up today
only to discover a story entitled
THE COUTESAN WHO WORKED A MIRACLE
HELL YES
and now, dear readers
i shall pass the savings on to you

so there’s this sage
he thinks he is the hottest shit since Danger Curry Night at Yoon’s House of Rectal Torment
and he is standing in front of a bigass crowd
all of whom concur re: the hotness of his shit
and he is further convincing them of his fecal febrility
by yelling smart words at them
he’s like “GUYS
Truth is great and everything
like, the emperor can pull mountains of tits out of thin air with the power of his sincerity
but that Truth doesn’t mean shit
unless the emperor actually produces the tits, see?
like, truth is fine and everything
but ACTION is where it’s at”
(Sidenote: this story takes place in a parallel universe
where being honest gives you superpowers)

and everyone is like YEAHHHH
except for one chick who is like NAWWWWW
and everyone is like WHAAAAAT?
and she’s like “Ok listen
I am a courtesan
which means I am a prostitute but with better jewelry
which means I am essentially a currency exchange that converts dollars into sex
my exchange rate is pretty good my friends
but this is not a sales pitch
this is a total verbal beatdown addressed to mister lavashits up on the podium
so point one:
I think we can all agree that charging a flat rate to let a dude touch your jibblies
is not a super pure thing to do
right?”
and everyone is like RIGHT
but they also think this lady is kind of a babe
so they say it in a polite way
and she’s like “Okay, so since I’m all impure and shit
I should not be able to … for example … turn the Ganges river backwards?”
and everyone is like “WHAT
NO
OF COURSE NOT”
and she’s like “okay
well I just did
also I gave you all handjobs without you noticing”
and everyone is like “WE ARE SMITTEN”
except the sage
who is like “…”

so the emperor is up in his castle
and he’s like “what the hell
the river is suddenly flowing backwards
this is terrible
everyone will die from the ecological consequences
i have to get to the bottom of this!”
but the only bottom he gets to
is the courtesan’s bottom
and he’s like “guhhhh”
and she’s like hey buddy my eyes are up here
what do you want
and he’s like “How you make river go backwards”
and she’s like “With the power of truth”
and he’s like “Okay well I’m familiar with that power
I have been known to use it to produce tits from thin air
but it seems like our city’s resident boner-silo should not be able to use it
you know
because her soul is too weighed down with all those boners”
and the courtesan is like “Look bro
I am what I am, and that’s all I can be
if a dude comes up to me and gives me cash money
and is like hey, I would like this money’s equivalent value in sex
I do not ask him where he went to college
or how much his dad makes
or any of that social status bullshit
I ask him whether he would like the lights on or off
and how he feels about pegging
and then we do it, and it’s awesome.
WHAT IS MORE TRUTHFUL THAN THAT?”
and the emperor is like “well normally i’d find a way to disagree
but you seriously just turned the whole river backwards
and I need you to turn that back around now so everyone doesn’t die
so uh
you win!”
and the courtesan is like “SWEET!
Now who wants their dick sucked from behind?”
and everyone lives happily ever after

so the moral of the story
is that it’s really hard to tell a lie
when there’s a dick in your mouth

the end.

Maeglin’s Mom is Easily Distracted

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so it took me a while to get back into the silmarillion
because when i opened it up
the first sentence I read
was almost FORTY PERCENT PROPER NOUNS
no really, check it out:
“Aredhel Ar-Feiniel, the White Lady of the Noldor, daughter of Fingolfin, dwelt in Nevrast with Turgon her brother, and she went with him to the Hidden Kingdom”
which is really just tolkein’s way of saying
“this chick you haven’t heard of before lives with her bro Turgon in his secret base”
anyway this whole chapter is pretty much about her
so i guess we do have to use her name
I GUESS

so the problem with living in a secret base
is that in order for it to stay secret
nobody who lives in the secret base can ever ever leave
because otherwise people might figure out where it is
and Aredhel is not down with this
so she goes to Turgon like dude
I am so bored in here i’m bout to twiddle my thumbs right OFF
lemme go out and see the sons of Feanor
those dudes are certifiably crazy, it’ll be an awesome party
and Turgon is like NAH BITCH NOBODY EVER LEAVES
and Aredhel is like you’re not the boss of me
and Turgon is like ok fine but ima send some dudes with you

so Aredhel leaves the secret base with a couple dudes
and they try to take a shortcut through Thingol’s place
but Thingol is still pissed because the Noldor killed all those other elves
and stole their boats
and then ditched half their dudes
and then burned the boats they stole
so he’s like nah guys
we’re still not on speaking terms
yall best go around

so they go around
THROUGH THE HAUNTED WOODS
because there are HAUNTED WOODS
and what’s the point of having haunted woods
if people aren’t being forced to go through them all the time
so the dudes who are with Aredhel get spooked and go home
and Aredhel rides through and meets up with Feanor’s kids
is it just me
or is this a lot of effort to go through just to party with some dudes?

so Aredhel gets there
but the party can’t start yet
cause one of Feanor’s sons isn’t there yet
so she’s hanging out waiting
and as we’ve already established
this is a girl who gets bored real easy
so she starts wandering further and further from town
and finally she gets lost
in MORE HAUNTED WOODS
i swear there are more haunted woods than regular woods up in this
i don’t know where everyone gets their lumber
prolly everybody’s house is just like a 24 hour ghost party

except this haunted forest is not haunted by ghosts
it’s haunted by ONE ELF
this elf is named Eol
and he sees Aredhel riding through his hood
i mean wood
and is like DING DONG DIGGITY DAMN
I WANNA PUT MY DING DONG IN THAT DIGGITY DAME
but Eol is a kind of creeper
as anyone who lives alone in the haunted woods is apt to be
so instead of like
buying her a drink or writing her a poem or some shit
he uses his evil forest magic to guide her to his house
and then when she arrives all lost and tired
he’s like hey lady
welcome to my creepy forest castle
price of admission: one marriage
and Aredhel
who has yet to let anything force her to stay in one place
is like fuck it, why not

so they get married
and tolkein is very careful to tell us that it’s not all bad
even though Eol forces Aredhel to only go out at night
and she’s not allowed to visit the sons of Feanor
even though those are the exact dudes she came all this way to see!
girl needs to get her life under control
like for real, she’s got to set some goals and fucking stick to them
cause in the real world
behavior like this gets you a ritalin perscription

but so i guess the main proof that it’s not so bad
is that Aredhel lets Eol put a baby in her
and that baby comes out and he is ONE SEXY BABY
his name is Maeglin
and it turns out that HE is the ACTUAL point of this chapter
he has crazy eyes that let him see into people’s brains
and he looks more like his mom than his dad
which makes his dad pissed
but his dad is a pretty weird guy anyway
so no one really pays attention

it doesn’t take too long for Maeglin and Aredhel to get sick of the haunted forest
seeing as Aredhel holds the world record
for number of places she is sick of
and Maeglin is her son
so one day when Eol is out at a party somewhere else
they just peace out without warning anyone
and make a break for Turgon’s secret base
but Eol gets home early
and he’s like what the fuck where did they go
and the servants are like oh I think they went to go see Feanor’s kids
and Eol is like AW HELL NO
so he goes to Feanor’s kids
who hate him
and he’s like guys
guys where is my wife
and Feanor’s kids are like dude
she went that way
get off our fucking lawn before we make you part of it

so now Aredhel and Maeglin are running
and Eol is running after them
and they’re running and running and running
(on horses)
until they get to the mountain where the secret base is hid
and Eol is just close enough that he sees how they get in
so when they get inside he comes running after them like AAAAA GIMME MY SHIT
and Turgon is like GENTLEMEN
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
and Eol is like I WILL TELL YOU WHAT IS GOING ON
MY WIFE IS TRYING TO ESCAPE MY PERFECTLY GOOD HAUNTED FOREST
ALSO MY SON
I WANT THEM BACK
and Turgon is like well that’s all well and good
but the problem with having a secret base is
NO ONE EVER LEAVES
so you are either going to live here forever
or die right now
and Eol, being a sensible gentleman
is like alright
and then steals someone’s spear and chucks it at his son
and Aredhel dives in front of him, secret-service style
and takes the javelin in the shoulder
and then everyone is like ok Eol
clearly you have chosen the “die right now” option

but you know who else has chosen the “die right now” option?
Aredhel
cause even though the spear only hit her in the shoulder
it was tipped with POISON
WHO POISONS THEIR SPEAR WHEN THEY’RE HANGING OUT IN A SECRET BASE?
Well i guess … the type of person who hangs out in a secret base
anyway Maeglin’s mom is dead
and they’re about to shove his dad off a cliff
and his dad is like SON:
FUCK YOU FOR NOT SAVING ME
CURSES FOREVER
and then he dies
and even though Eol was a dick
everyone still thinks Maeglin is pretty weird for not giving a shit

and Maeglin IS pretty weird
but not just for that reason
he’s weird cause he has a crush on his first cousin Idril
who lives in the secret base as well
and unlike in most mythologies
there is actually a law against that type of incest
even though if no one leaves the secret base
shit is bound to get incestuous sooner or later
still though
Idril thinks he is mad creepy
and he knows this
so he takes all the energy he would’ve spent on love
and instead spends it on being an AWESOME WARRIOR
and developing a TWISTED, EVIL HEART
all of which I’m sure will become super important later

so the moral of the story
is you should never leave your house
cause everything else is haunted woods

TO BE CONTINUED

History of Electricity, Part 2: EVERYONE’S STILL CRAZY

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soooo it looks like i’m updating once a week now?
also it looks like nobody has taken me up on my offer
come on guys it’s a sweet offer

ANYWAY LET’S TALK ABOUT LIGHTNING
or if not lightning exactly
then at least lightning’s better-behaved alter-ego electricity
when last we left our heroes
they were busy rubbing shit all over other shit
and then proving that lightning and electricty were actually the same thing
and then going to france and having a lot of sex
and apparently all this shit was crucial
especially that last part
because it opened the door for a dude named Faraday to come along
and start making machines that rubbed shit on other shit
with UN-HEARD-OF EFFICIENCY
he also invented a kind of cage that makes your cell phone not work
so basically he sounds like a dick

BUT HE IS AN IMPORTANT DICK
history is full of important dicks
like Alexander the Great
and Napoleon
and Benjamin Franklin’s dick
there are comparatively few important vaginas though
which is weird
because there’s a whole FUCKTON of really important ASSHOLES
which brings us to Thomas Alva Edison

see, after Faraday invents his spectacularly efficient way of rubbing shit together
Thomas Edison gets super rich by selling crazy souped-up telegraphs
and puts up a gigantic building in new jersey
so that he can more efficiently gather smart people
and rub their brains together
(as a side note
I am currently pioneering a new historico-scientific theory
it is called
“everything in history is just rubbing things on other things”)
and through the friction of all these smart brains
Edison comes up with some pretty cool shit
or more accurately
better versions of other people’s already cool shit
like lightbulbs and shit
and one of the things he comes up with
is another way to generate and distribute electricity

Edison calls his way “Direct Current”
(or DC)
and the other way
which is being pioneered at the same time by a dude named Westinghouse
is called “Alternating Current”
(or AC)
do not try to understand what these things mean
it’s really hard
all you really need to know
is they would make an incredibly sweet band name

so the problem with DC power
is it’s lazy
it won’t travel very far before it gives up and goes away
so you have to make a lot of power stations in order for it to work
meanwhile
the problem with AC power
is that someone has not yet come along
who can upgrade it and make it TOTALLY AWESOME

ENTER NIKOLA TESLA
tesla is this Serbian dude with like no social skills
because he put all his attribute points in CRAZY BRAIN
he willingly gave up rubbing his junk on ladies’ junk
so he could spend more time figuring out how to rub electric shit on other shit
and he hallucinated like ALL THE TIME
to make up for the fact that he slept like NONE OF THE TIME
this dude was less of a dude
and more of a streamlined engine for turning food and water into SCIENCE

So Tesla looks at AC power like ok guys
i see what you’re doing
with the rubbing stuff on other stuff
but guys
what if we made it
MORE COMPLICATED
and everyone is like AWRIIIIIGHT
especially that Westinghouse guy

so westinghouse buys all of Tesla’s great ideas
and then Edison is like oh shit
Westinghouse is about to totally wreck my shit
AC power can travel longer distances than my DC power
it is cheaper and more efficient
welp
i guess there’s only one thing left to do:
time to start murdering animals

so that is what Thomas Edison does
first he invents the electric chair
and powers it with AC power
so everyone will know just how fucking dangerous that shit is
ignoring the fact that lightning can also kill people
and i’m pretty sure that’s not AC OR DC
ELECTRICITY:
JUST PRETTY FUCKING DANGEROUS ALL AROUND
but edison doesn’t stop at revolutionizing american justice
no no no
then what he does
is he starts stealing stray cats
and frying those fuckers on his electro-killing machine
but everyone is still like yawn
so finally edison is like fuck this
just fuck this
fuck
I’m gonna get an elephant from the god-damn zoo
and I am going to electrocute it to death with one of my inventions
while filming it with another one of my inventions
and THAT is going to solve this whole thing for me
i don’t see how it could fail

so he does that
he kills Topsy the Elephant and then shows people the video
and somehow
that fails to convince everyone to buy his flavor of electricity
so that shit fails pretty hard
but it’s fine, because it’s not like Edison is exactly hurting for money
he gets distracted pretty quickly
by an ambitious scheme to repeatedly fire X-rays into his own eyes
presumably in order to become more like superman

meanwhile, shit is not going too well for Tesla
because after a brilliant career of turning down ladies
and sculpting reality with his mind
his mind is finally like fuck this
i’m done
from now on
it’s just gonna be martians and talking pigeons
all day every day
and Tesla is like oh well
it was fun while it lasted
i guess i better go die in a tiny apartment
after eating nothing but milk and crackers for months

now guys
i know you were expecting the standard narrative
“Nikola Tesla invented radar and gravity and knees
and Thomas Edison stole all of it with his asshole machine made of assholes”
and while Thomas Edison is indeed an asshole
and Nikola Tesla did indeed invent like a million things
what both of them have in common
is being FUCKING CRAZY
like, from my perspective
there is not a lot of difference between hallucinating pigeons and aliens
and shooting yourself in the eyes with radioactive beams over and over again
which just goes to show
that the moral of this story
is that all the smartest people in the world
are also the biggest goddamn idiots

the end

What’s So Great About Athens?

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6

Hey guys I’m back
you may notice that the unspeakable things for money page is also back
it’s way different now though, so check it out
also, check this out:

I REMEMBERED ANOTHER GREEK MYTH
IT IS A FAIRLY WELL-KNOWN ONE TOO
What the hell was i doing
fucking around with all these obscure–as–hell greek tales
with this populist gem glimmering the hell out of itself over here
it’s like all this time
I have been scrambling for change and half-melted hard candies in my couch cushions
when it turns out the couch cushions themselves were made of COTTON CANDY
CAN YOU IMAGINE GUYS
A COTTON CANDY COUCH
WHAT A TERRIBLE THING TO PUT IN YOUR HOUSE
THAT COUCH WOULD BE A PULSATING MASS OF ANTS WITHIN A WEEK
so uh
yeah
let’s talk about how Athens got its name

now back in the day, Athens was not named Athens
it was like when you form a band with your friends
and you have a few practices
and someone is like damn
we should come up with a name for our band
and then for the next week or month or whatever
everyone in the band is constantly dishing out the stupidest names possible
like Sandwich Mafia or Assnectar or Painful Bowel Obstruction
and it’s just not working
because you have to just let that shit happen, you know
so everyone in not-Athens is just wandering around for months
going “hey, what about High Five City?
Funky Town?
Painful Bowel Obstruction?”
until finally the gods are like fuck this
we’re naming your city after one of us and there’s nothing you can do about it

but there’s a problem
the problem is that gods are competitive as fuck
so they pretty much have a UFC-style throwdown to determine who gets to name the city
and finally there’s only two challengers left
Poseidon, god of wet
and Athena, goddess of exploding people’s foreheads
it is going to be the match of the century, my friends
but then Athena has to go and fuck it all up
by presenting a PEACEFUL ALTERNATIVE
SNORE

she’s like hey
how about we actually go down to the city
and we each offer them something really rad
and the city goes to whoever’s offering they like more
but hm … we need a judge
good thing the city is currently ruled over by a half-man half-snake named Cecrops
he doesn’t sound evil at all!
Hey Cecrops, wanna judge this contest?
and Cecrops is like YESSSSSSSS
GOOOOOOOOOD

so Athena and Poseidon both land on a mountain in the middle of town
and they flip a coin and Poseidon has to go first
so he just stabs the ground with his trident
and the ground is like AHHHGH I’M BLEEDING
and all this water comes gushing out
and everyone is like yayyyy, water
but then they taste it and they’re like what the fuck
this is salt water
and Poseidon is like WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
I AM POSEIDON
GOD OF THE SEA AND EARTHQUAKES
FUCK FRESH WATER
I FRANCHISED OUT ALL THE FRESHWATER TO A BUNCH OF LESSER GODS A LONG TIME AGO
TRY TO KEEP UP

so then it’s Athena’s turn
and all she does is plant a little seed in the ground
and then she uses god magic to make it grow real fast
and it’s an olive tree
and everyone’s like oh yay
olives
I mean, we already have those
like, we live in fucking Greece
but it’s better than this stupid salt-geyser poseidon made
so I guess you win
and Athena is like YESSSSSS
and then they go to type her name in as the name of the city
but some dumbass makes a typo, cause the s key is right next to the a
and that’s why it’s called Athens

so the moral of the story
is I guess not all snake-men are evil
Cercops turned out to be a pretty okay dude, actually

the end.

Hiatusssss

Posted on by
6

Hey jerks

I am taking a break for this week
because my brother was inconsiderate enough to produce offspring
and now I have to go make friends with it
in order to do this I have to be in smogg city, California
where I do not own a computer
in fact I am typing this on a computer I found
and I have to go now because i think the owner is beginning to notice it’s missing

Love,
Ovid

Tolkien’s Elves are So Dang Highschool

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10

okay so when last we left our heroes
(man I am never going to get used to using the word “heroes”
to describe elves
it’s like using the word “food”
to describe anything that is not pizza)
they were dealing with a series of excruciating hundred-year truces
during which they had to suffer through unprecedented periods of peace and prosperity
and Morgoth had them in the palm of his gnarled hand
due to his brilliant strategy
of only attacking sporadically and with inferior forces
oh and also
two dudes had dreams and decided to build secret forts

So one of these dudes is called Finrod
he builds an enormous man-cave for all his bros
the other dude is named Turgon
and he builds a
well uh
it’s a little more complicated

so basically Ulmo tells Turgon that there’s this secret garden on top of a mountain
that is only accessible by going inside the mountain
using a tunnel caused by erosion from a river
which Ulmo makes behave so Turgon can go in
and the top of the hill where the garden is
is perfectly flat and stable
because it used to be a lake basin
except wait
it USED to be a lake basin?
so where is the water coming from that made the tunnel Turgon uses?
is this water flowing uphill?
also, where did the water from the lake go?
did it flow downhill somewhere?
if so, why didn’t that water make a canyon
thus rendering this inaccessible mountain retreat accessible?

okay I know what you’re thinking
“Ovid, this is a work of fantasy
you don’t gotta flip your shit over every boring detail”
EXCEPT GUYS
YOU ARE FORGETTING
THAT J.R.R. TOLKIEN IS A DUDE WHO DEDICATES A HUNDRED AND FIFTY PAGES
OUT OF A FOUR HUNDRED FIFTY PAGE BOOK
TO LISTING DUDE’S NAMES IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER
AND DEFINING THE ELVISH WORD FOR “NICE HAIR”
DUDE IS DETAIL ORIENTED
maybe i just misunderstood the geography though
that’s also possible

anyway Turgon builds a big fancy city up in them mountains
and then he goes there with all his dudes
and it turns out that all his dudes comprise about a THIRD OF THE ENTIRE NOLDOR
DUDE
THEY WERE USING THOSE GUYS TO FIGHT MORGOTH
but Ulmo is pleased as shit about this mass desertion
he’s like hey Turgon
your stronghold is gonna last like forever buddy
or at least it’s gonna be the last thing to go down when Morgoth starts burning shit
but lemme lay a prophecy on you:
eventually shit is gonna suck
and then a dude is gonna come and tell you how to fix it
so what I need you to do
is leave a special sword and some special armor in a special house
so that special dude can find it at a special time
and you will know who he is
here is a list of measurements for the armor
and Turgon is like dude
if you know this guy’s measurements why don’t you just describe him to me
and I’ll be sure to know who he is without all this armor bullshit
and Ulmo is like I AM THE LORD OF THE WATERS
and then he turns into mist and goes to hang out in a girl’s locker room or something

meanwhile, this chick Galadriel
(who is Fingon {the cave guy}’s sister)
is chilling with Melian
(who is the wife of Thingol
who rules over Beleriand
Which is the place the Noldor just randomly showed up in
on their way to find the Silmarils
which were made by Feanor
And then stolen by Morgoth
Who at the time was known as Melkor
And was originally one of the Valar
And all of them have names, too!)
and Melian and Galadriel are just shooting the shit
when suddenly Melian is like hey
we’ve talked a lot about Valinor, where you guys all used to live
but i feel like you guys aren’t telling us something
like about why you got kicked out?
and Galadriel is like oh uh
well
we didn’t get kicked out actually
we left of our own free will cuz Feanor’s dumb
and also because we are dumb enough to consider the Silmarils valuable
and Melian is like wait wait wait
are you saying the Noldor didn’t arrive here to save us from Morgoth’s first attack?
We totally thought that’s why you guys were here!
and Galadriel is like uh
well I mean that was a nice bonus, certainly
but we’re really just here for the bling.

So Melian is understandably pretty pissed
and she still thinks Galadriel is holding out, information-wise
and she totally is, because she managed to leave out the part
about how Feanor and his bros murdered a bunch of dudes and stole their ships
but Galadriel refuses to talk any more shit
so Melian just goes and tells her husband Thingol what she knows
and Thingol is like what the shit
what the unbelievable shit
I was already pissed off about these fancy high elves shitting up my countryside
but this is just too much
and then somebody else walks in
like hey has anyone told you guys about how Feanor murdered all those elves for their ships yet?
cause he totally did
that’s prolly something you should know
and suddenly the atmosphere in the room is REAL tense
because it turns out that Thingol has been in a meeting with some of the Noldor
THIS WHOLE TIME
so they’re all sitting there like uhhh
sorry?
and Thingol is like SORRY ISN’T GONNA CUT IT GUYS
YOU MURDERED DUDES FOR BOATS
FOR BOATS, GUYS
YOU CAN BUY THOSE
and then one of the Noldor who didn’t murder any guys is like HEY
WE’RE NOT ALL BOAT-OBSESSED MURDER ENGINES, OKAY?
SOME OF US ARE ALRIGHT DUDES
and Thingol is like OKAY I BELIEVE THAT
BUT WE’RE ALL SHOUTING SO MUCH THAT I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO DO SOMETHING RASH
SO HOW ABOUT THIS:
FROM NOW ON NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SPEAK NOLDOR-ESE I MY KINGDOM
OR ELSE THEY GET BANISHED
and all the Noldor are like Ah jeeze now we gotta learn another language
but they deal with it because whatever, that’s not really that big a deal

MEANWHILE
Fingon is down in his man-cave
and so naturally he has no wife with him
and Galadriel comes to visit
because Galadriel just goes around visiting everyone apparently
and she’s like hey dude
why no wife?
and he’s about to say “man, I dunno”
but instead he’s all of a sudden just like
BECAUSE I AM GOING TO SWEAR AN OATH AND THEN DIE HORRIBLY AND LEAVE NOTHING FOR MY CHILDREN TO INHERIT
and Galadriel is like oooookayyyyy
and Fingon is like oh shit what did I say
I hope it wasn’t a prophecy or anything

so the moral of the story
is that elves
are all gossipy bitches

NOT THE ENNNDDDDD

Electricity, Part One

Posted on by
8

ok so being a scientist is hard right
i’m not a scientist
i’m more of a
i guess you would say
vagrant
but I have it on good authority that being a scientist is hard
you gotta like
go to school and do math and shit
and that’s a shame
because for too long now
science has been closed to bored lazy idiots
whose sole qualification
is that they don’t give a shit if they catch on fire
well my friends
after some exhaustive research
I have come upon a solution to this grave societal ill
here’s what you do:
instead of being a scientist
try being a scientist
IN THE 1600s

guys
science in the 1600s was basically just like throwing meat at a barn and seeing if it turned into anything cool
for real guys
There was a real dude
named Jan Baptist van Sweetname Helmont
[“Sweetname” added for emphasis]
who thought you could make scorpions
by putting a piece of basil between two bricks in your yard
HE WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THOUGHT THIS
what i’m saying is that the bar for science in the 1600s was hella low
and dudes were capitalizing

basically here’s what happened:
somewhere along the line, dudes figured out that if you rubbed certain things on certain other things
other things would stick to those things
they discovered this because dudes love rubbing shit on other shit
and that’s great
because as soon as this amazing discovery is made
it opens the door to another hundred or so years
of just rubbing random shit on other shit in the name of science
for real this is all these guys are doing
this german guy spins a bunch of sulphur around
BAM
ELECTRICITY
then this english guy starts rubbing flannel shirts on windows
and mashing sugar cubes together
FUCKIN ELECTRICITY UP IN HERE
is there any thing that you can rub on another thing that will NOT produce electricity?
PROBABLY
PROBABLY THEY FIGURED OUT WHAT IT WAS
DURING THEIR HUNDRED YEARS OF GLEEFUL FRICTION

but so eventually dudes calm down about rubbing shit on their shit
much like teenagers entering into adulthood
and they start to do slightly more complicated things
like sometimes
after they rub shit on their shit
they press it up against other shit
to see if the electricity will go into the other shit
and then they discover that sometimes when you rub shit on shit
shit doesn’t stick to the shit
it actually gets pushed away!
holy shit!
and it turns out that if you rub silk on a window you get one kind of electricity
and if you rub flannel on sealing wax, you get another kind
and those two kinds stick to each other
(like i said
they had a long time to figure out what shit was good to rub on other shit)

Then somebody invents a jar you can put electricity in
it’s pretty cool
basically there’s a metal coating on the inside of the jar
and a metal coating on the outside
and one of the two kinds of electricity is on the outside
and the inside has the other kind
and that keeps the electricity from escaping
because it is the will of zeus that it be so

so people start experimenting with these jars full of dangerous
and this one guy gives himself the FIRST EVER ELECTRIC SHOCK
WHOAH
GUYS
are you telling me dudes had been rubbing shit on shit for well over a hundred years
and no one had yet fucked it up?
okay I take back what I said about 1600s scientists
those dudes were legit
but wait wait, check this out
so the Dutch guy says he wouldn’t shock himself again “for the crown of France”
which is no big deal because I don’t even think France has a king anymore
but then the Dutch guy has a couple weeks to think about it
and he realizes that getting an electric shock is actually REALLY COOL
and then suddenly everybody is buying these fucking jars
just to ELECTROCUTE THEMSELVES
it actually replaces microscopes as everyone’s favorite science thing
so okay
I un-take back what I said about old-times science
it sounds dumb as hell
and therefore PERFECT FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME

then in 1706 Benjamin Franklin gets born
maybe I will tell you more about him later
but right now all you need to understand
is that if America has a Zeus
it’s probably Benjamin Franklin
Benjamin Franklin is the kind of dude who is instantly good at everything he does
and therefore develops a style of living
in which he struts dick-first into the thick of every problem he encounters
and fucks his way out the other side, grinning

so this guy decides he wants to know what’s up with electricity
which means he has to take a break from singlehandedly inventing Philadelphia
to run some experiments
and it turns out that there is one particular experiment
that everyone else is too much of a pussnexus to actually run
and that is the experiment
that will finally answer the age-old question:
“IS LIGHTNING MADE OF ELECTRICITY????”
COME ON
COME THE FUCK ON
IT’S FUCKING LIGHTNING
WHEN YOU GET HIT BY LIGHTNING IT GOES BZZT
AND YOUR SKIN GOES TRANSPARENT AND EVERYONE CAN SEE YOUR BONES
HOW IS THAT NOT OBVIOUSLY ELECTRICITY?
HOW CAN YOU COME UP WITH A THEORY THAT SCORPIONS COME OUT OF BRICKS AND PASTA HERBS
BUT NOT MAYBE TAKE A WILD GUESS THAT “HEY
MAYBE THAT GLOWING GOD-DICK THAT TURNED THE FARMHOUSE TO CINDERS IS MADE OF ELECTRONS”
man, the past is dumb

but Big Ben Franklin is NOT
so he does the smartest possible thing
which is to make a kite out of metal and silk
attach a key to the bottom
attach one of those electro-shock jars to the key
and go out in a fucking lightning storm
THIS GUY IS ON OUR MONEY, AMERICA
NOT ONLY IS HE ON OUR MONEY
HE IS ON A DENOMINATION OF MONEY THAT I’M NOT EVEN RICH ENOUGH TO POSSESS
AND I HAVE NEVER WALKED OUT INTO A FIELD WITH A SIGN ON MY BALLS THAT SAYS “ZEUS PLEASE KILL ME”
MAYBE THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING WRONG

anyway this experiment is a great success
Benjamin Franklin finally proves beyond a shadow of a doubt
that lightning is the only thing it could possibly be
and he writes a paper about it
and sends it to the Royal Society of London
and they’re all like PISH POSH
EVERYONE KNOWS LIGHTING IS MADE OF GLOWING BEES

all of which just goes to show
that no matter how suicidally dumb you are
there is ALWAYS someone dumber

TO BE CONTINUED??!??