Robin Hood Gets Beat Up A Lot

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It is always a good day
when I realize I haven’t done a myth I’ve always really liked
and today is a good day.

So Robin Hood is bored.
B-O-R-E===D
and he decides that the cure for his boredom
is to go out wandering the wilderness by himself
and hopefully run into some dudes or disguised ladies to fight
but he’s not going out unprotected
FUCK no
he’s got his bow with him, first of all
and second of all he has his army of sixty-eight thieves on speed dial
in case shit gets too real

so properly prepped and looking for trouble, Robin Hood goes out wandering
and it’s all of three minutes before he runs up on some problems
because there’s this river, right
and there’s a log over the river
and Robin is in the middle of crossing it when he runs smack into this HUGE DUDE
and he’s like “Oh hey man, do you mind just backing off this log for a second so I can cross?”
and the huge dude is like AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO MIND
and Robin Hood is like WHAT A COINCIDENCE, SO DO I
TIME TO SKIP STRAIGHT TO MURDER
I HOPE YOU LIKE ARROWS IN YOUR BODY

But John Little – that’s the huge dude’s name – calls bullshit on this
he’s like BULLSHIT
IF YOU SHOOT ME DOWN WITH SISSY GIRLY-BOY ARROWS
I AM GOING TO TAKE A FAT DYING DUMP ALL OVER YOUR SPARKLING REPUTATION
SERIOUSLY WHAT KIND OF PUSSY SHOOTS A DUDE WITH A LONGBOW FROM LIKE TWO FEET AWAY
and Robin Hood is like NOBODY CALLS ME A PUSSY
LET ME JUST GET A BIG STICK REAL QUICK SO I CAN POUND YOUR ASS WITH IT
and then he goes into a nearby thicket and finds him a gnarly oak-branch to fight with
then climbs back onto the log
so these two titans of tomfoolery can settle this like men:
by waving yard-long wooden dicks at each other
YES THAT IS RIGHT MY FRIENDS
ROBIN HOOD ACTUALLY BACKS OFF THE BRIDGE
IN ORDER TO PROCURE A WEAPON
TO USE
TO PREVENT HIMSELF FROM HAVING TO BACK OFF THE BRIDGE
when you have to completely abandon your stated mission
in order to procure the massive weapons your mission requires
that’s a major red flag that you are entering bad decisions territory

but John Little doesn’t capitalize on this gaping window of opportunity
presumably because he is as excited about bludgeoning as Robin is
presumably because John Little is a seven-foot-tall human cage-match of muscles and fear
AND MUSCLES WIN EVERY TIME
so they start beating each other with sticks
and it’s not long before John straight fractures Robin Hood’s skull
sending him straight to concussion city, and also the river
at which point Robin gets up and starts laughing his ass off
because what John Little doesn’t know
is that there are sixty-eight pissed off dudes in the forest out there
just waiting to turn little John into a porcupine of murder
they’re all HEY ROBIN HOOD HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU WANT THIS GUY TO DIE?
and Robin Hood is like NO TIMES AT ALL, MY MERRY MEN
I AM ALL ABOUT DUDES WHO GIVE ME CONCUSSIONS
Yo John, I’ve got sixty-eight bros out there in the woods
and we do nothing but loot all day and party all night
and I want to ask you
bro
will you be my number sixty-nine?
and John is all SHIT YES

so everybody goes back to Robin’s place and parties so hard they forget their childhoods
and they get so drunk they forget what order John Little’s name goes in
and from that day forward everyone calls him Little John
and he is an unstoppable force of injustice in Nottinghamshire

so the moral of the story
is you should pick your friends based on who can beat you up the most
because at least then those guys are your friends

THE END.

Antigone and the Too Many Suicides

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(this is my new update schedule, by the by
Tuesdays and Fridays
get that tattooed on your arms so you will never forget)

Holy canoles you guys
never in my life have I read something
that so badly needed to be written by me instead of Sophocles
seriously this dude is captain of the S.S. Longwords
paddling liesurely along a lazy river ride of verbosity
on its way to a bunch of dead bodies
(the dead bodies being the bloodstained carrot
at the end of the proverbial stick this play has shoved up its ass)

For those of you who don’t know
which included me until like yesterday
Antigone is the sequel to Oedipus Rex
and what it lacks in clever plot twists
it makes up for in PATENTLY IRRATIONAL BEHAVIOR
so I’m gonna try something a little different today
and instead of paraphrasing the whole play, like a chump
I going to write my own play
it is called Antigone by Sophocles
LET’S DO THIS

ANTIGONE BY SOPHOCLES

By Ovid

(But not the real Ovid, though, the fake one)

(by which I mean me)

Enter ANTIGONE. You can tell she’s important because her name is almost the whole title. Her sister ISMENE is also here.

ANTIGONE: BOO HOO MY FAMILY SUCKS

ANTIGONE is Oedipus’s daughter, so this is a pretty reasonable complaint

ISMENE: Whoah, hey, I’M in your family, you know.
ANTIGONE: Oh yeah, that’s true. Wanna help me bury our brother’s body?
ISMENE: You wouldn’t happen to be referring to the brother who got exiled from the kingdom by our other brother and then came back with an army to enslave everyone and now both our bros are dead, would you?”
ANTIGONE: THAT IS EXACTLY WHO I AM TALKING ABOUT! You had a 50-50 shot and you got it on the first guess!
ISMENE: Dude, the new king Creon very specifically told everyone not to bury that guy. You know, cause of the whole “returning with an army to enslave everyone” thing. Pretty sure Creon actually promised to kill anyone who tried to bury that guy.
ANTIGONE: Okay, which is more important: not being executed, or putting dirt all over our dead treacherous brother?
ISMENE: Uh…
ANTIGONE: You know what, Ismene, YOU’RE A WUSS. Looks like I’m gonna have to go on this suicide mission all by myself!
ISMENE: No, stop, come back.

Both of them leave, but Antigone leaves harder, cause she’s going to go bury bodies, whereas her sister is gonna go be a wuss up in a tower or whatever. Now here comes king CREON, and then this GUARD runs up to him.

GUARD: King Creon! Holy shit!
CREON: What’s up
GUARD: You know that body you wanted to let rot in the middle of town for personal reasons? SOMEBODY FUCKING POURED DIRT ALL OVER IT.
CREON: FUCK!!!
GUARD: Please don’t kill me.
CREON: Thinking about it.
GUARD: Wait hold on.

GUARD leaves, comes back carrying ANTIGONE

GUARD: It was her. She did it. We dug up the body and she did it again, like an idiot.
CREON: Whoah Antigone, what the fuck. Did you do this?
ANTIGONE: Ayup. Dead bodies are gross and they need to have dirt on them.
CREON: I’m glad you feel so strongly about dead bodies, cause you’re about to BECOME ONE.
ANTIGONE: Worth it.

GUARD drags ANTIGONE away. Now here comes HAEMON. He is not a digimon, even though his name sounds like one. He is actually CREON’s son, and also engaged to ANTIGONE, so this is gonna be awkward.

CREON: Hey son, hope you aren’t mad that I’m gonna execute your fiancee.
HAEMON: Why would I be mad? You’re just keeping it real.
CREON: I’m glad you see it that way.
HAEMON: No wait I lied, what the fuck is wrong with you?
CREON: Uhh … just a little something called JUSTICE. Think about it. If we buried the bodies of all our horrible traitors instead of letting them rot in the streets, what would our city be like then, huh?
HAEMON: More sanitary, mainly. Dude just put some dirt on that body already. It’s not that big a deal, even.
CREON: I’M THE KING, I DO WHAT I WANT.
HAEMON: Alright, good luck with that.

Meanwhile, ANTIGONE gets buried alive in a pit or something.

ANTIGONE: I’M BEING BURIED IN A PIT AND I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

Oh shit here comes TIRESIAS. He is being led around by a little boy, because he is blind and he likes little boys.

CREON: Yo Tiresias, my main man, what is cracking?
TIRESIAS: I heard there was some bad decisions getting laid down here so I had to just stop by and warn everyone not to make those again.
CREON: Yeah, that is kind of what you’re always doing. That’s why I always listen to your prophecies and do what you tell me.
TIRESIAS: Oh man, that’s a relief. I was just gonna tell you that you shouldn’t bury your son’s girlfriend and leave corpses rotting in your streets, because burying dudes really isn’t a big deal.
CREON: FUCK YOU, I’M THE KING, I DO WHAT I WANT.
TIRESIAS: Okay dude, well I hate to tell you this but everybody you love is going to die, starting right now. Alright, come on Bobby, let’s go back to the mountains and watch snakes have sex.

TIRESIAS leaves, along with his BOY-SLAVE. Everyone is now fucked.

CREON: Yo advisors, I am suddenly very nervous about my terrible decisions. What do you think?
ADVISORS: We think you should probably listen to Tiresias. And your son, and Antigone, actually. Also us. In fact, the more we think about it, the more sure we are that you are the only person who agrees with what you are doing right now.
CREON: Oh shit, you’re right. Guess I’ll just go release Antigone now and live happily ever after.

CREON leaves. Then a MESSENGER shows up

MESSENGER: Oh shit guys, everyone killed themselves.
GUYS: Who’s everyone?
MESSENGER: Oh, well, first Antigone killed herself. Anyone who didn’t see that coming raise your hand. Then Haemon busted into her pit and found her dead, so first he tried to kill Creon, but he must not have tried very hard because he ended up just stabbing himself. And now in a couple minutes I’m gonna tell Creon’s wife Eurydice (no relation) about this and she’s gonna stab herself too.

That happens. Oh, and here comes CREON again. What does this guy want?

CREON: I’m back from witnessing the suicide of my son! …Aaaaand more dead bodies. Great. All up in my house. Guys, my life is pretty much the worst now. I’m going to my room.

CREON leaves forever

ISMENE: Remember me? I’m still alive!

CHORUS: The moral of the story is that if someone tells you they are going to kill you if you do a thing, maybe don’t do that thing!

THE END.

(Bonus points if someone does a staged reading of this and films it.)

Sherlock Holmes: The Original House M.D.

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Alright guys I’m back
Did you miss me?
I did not miss you
I was on a farm and it was great and we had chickens
oh also guess what,
due to popular demand I am going to be making more Norse Crisis Flowchart Shirts
but I wanna pick a new color
so tell me what color you want the shirts to be!

OKAY
SHERLOCK HOLMES
we have spoken of him before on this here internet website
but it was not me who was talking about him
and my friends, I have some shit to say.
the story I am going to tell you today was originally titled A STUDY IN SCARLET
but it is better known as DRUG-ADDLED SOCIOPATH SOLVES ALL THE CRIMES
wait that’s just my title for ALL the Sherlock Holmes stories

but when our story begins, Sherlock Holmes is nowhere in sight
because we are way the hell over in Afghanistan with this doctor named Watson
he’s a pretty good doctor
but it turns out that what he’s really good at is getting shot with bullets
and then flying back to London with a bad case of the PTSD
except that when he gets back to London
and checks into a hotel with all his army dollars
it turns out that PTSD actually stands for PARTY TIL SUN-DOWN
(to forget the innumerable horrors of war)
and as we all know, THE SUN NEVER SETS ON THE BRITISH EMPIRE
so Watson is just straight up partying ALL THE TIME
and his army dollars are abundant, but they are not infinite
so after a brief stay in party central, he is obliged to find a cheaper apartment out in the party suburbs
and this is when unlucky watson suddenly gets very lucky(?)
because he’s hanging out in one of his favorite bars, when this dude runs up to him like YO WATSON
I REMEMBER YOUR ASS FROM MEDICAL SCHOOL
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT?
THERE’S THIS DANGEROUS PSYCHOPATH I KNOW WHO IS ALSO LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT
and Watson is like “does he mind sudden midnight screaming fits brought on by the traumas of war?”
and his friend is like “probably he is the cause of a lot of those”
and Watson is like SOLD

so they go over to the chemisty lab where Watson’s friend works
and this is where we finally get to meet Mister SHERLOCK HOLMES
notice that I used the title MISTER and not DOCTOR
because although this is a medical laboratory
Sherlock Holmes possesses NO ACCREDITATION WHATSOEVER
he just shows up to this chemistry lab every day
and beats dead bodies with golf clubs and fails to produce any credentials
and they all just LET HIM COME
in fact, when Watson arrives, Sherlock is busy MUTILATING HIS HANDS WITH A KNIFE
in order to prove that this liquid he made knows what blood is
and then he gets introduced to Watson and he’s like HEY MAN YOU JUST CAME BACK FROM AFGHANISTAN
and Watson is like duh I already know that
I struggle with the trauma of that experience every minute of every day
but it’s kind of weird that you know that about me.
Let’s be roommates!

So they move in together
and aside from some weird postmodern violin shit
and the fact that he spends three days out of every month coked to the tits
Sherlock Holmes is a pretty fine roommate
and Watson
who is too lazy to get his own job
spends all his time trying to figure out what Sherlock Holmes does for a living
COME ON, WATSON
HE’S SHERLOCK HOLMES
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE DOES
but anyway he never really figures it out so Sherlock Holmes just tells him
he’s like “I’m a consulting detective
which means that I don’t actually get paid and I don’t have a job
my money comes from that same mysterious vortex where most well-dressed english dudes get their money.
I’m pretty much just the working detective’s equivalent of the odd-numbered problems in the back of a math textbook
basically people walk into my house and I solve their problems
I hope you are okay with people dragging their big sloppy problems into our house all the time”
and watson is like “As long as you are okay with me occasionally mistaking them for enemy combatants!”
then they go off to solve crimes!

Cause see, it turns out a dude has been murdered
and the entire London police force is composed of fifty pound bags of salt in police uniforms
and two of these saltbags are important police detectives
named Lestrade and The Other Guy
and they have pretty much built their careers
on the fact that no one else needs to solve problems when Sherlock Holmes is around
cause lemme back up just a wee second:
Sherlock Holmes is the ultimate crime-solving engine
he has become this horrible thing through a combination of reading up on every crime ever committed
and forgetting all of the unimportant things
like that the earth revolves around the sun, or what a vagina looks like
he has done this in the interest of being able to call everyone he meets a fucking moron
while carrying a magnifying glass everywhere he goes and huffing bags of cocaine

okay, so Watson and Sherlock show up at this murder
a guy is dead in an abandoned house
blood is everywhere but it’s not his
you know, typical mystery shit
it’s not really that important
it’s just a bunch of opportunities for Sherlock Holmes to wave his braindick around
and then they find some chick’s ring on the floor, which Sherlock steals
SO FAR SO GOOD

then they talk to some other police officers, and then Sherlock Holmes goes to an opera
and then he puts an ad in the paper about the ring he stole
in the interest of making the criminal come to him
but instead of the criminal, some old-ass woman shows up
and after she leaves, Sherlock tries to tail her
but it turns out to be an olympic gymnast in an old lady suit
who bails out of a cab while Sherlock is riding on the back.
this is never fully explained.

So Sherlock is trying to come up with another way to catch the murderer
when ANOTHER dude gets murdered
this dude was the first dude’s secretary
and he got stabbed in his hotel room
because the killer actually brought a ladder and just climbed up in there.
okay guys, I don’t know about you, but if a dude with a knife was climbing up a ladder into my bedroom
I WOULD PUSH THAT SHIT OVER.
That secretary was too stupid to live, is what I’m saying.
The police search the room and they find a box with some pills in it
and Sherlock Holmes is like CALLED IT
THOSE PILLS ARE POISON
ALLOW ME TO PROVE IT
then he poisons his landlady’s dog to death with them.
SHIT YEAH, CONSULTING DETECTIVE.

So a dog is dead and a ring is stolen
and still no one has any idea who the murderer is
except for SHERLOCK HOLMES
who has hired an army of homeless orphans
to find a cab driver named Jefferson Hope, and bring him to his apartment
where he proceeds to handcuff him in front of both of those police detectives i mentioned
the ones whose job is to just be wrong all the time

so the murderer is caught, the case is closed
looks like this is the end OH NO IT’S TIME FOR AN OLD WEST FLASHBACK
WELCOME TO THE UTAH DESERT
A DUDE IS HERE WITH HIS DAUGHTER AND THEY ARE GOING TO DIE
his daughter is super stoked because she’s heard there are pancakes in heaven
but she is cruelly denied those heavenly pancakes when she and her father are saved by EVIL MORMONS
i mean it’s not evil that they rescue her
but 16 years later, when the daughter wants to marry this sexy hunter she found
Bringham Young is like OH NO YOU DON’T
MARRY ONE OF THESE TWO ASSHOLES I PICKED
THEY DON’T HAVE ENOUGH WIVES AND THEY NEED MORE WIVES
THE MAIN PROBLEM WITH BEING A MORMON IS CONSTANTLY RUNNING OUT OF WIVES
UNLESS YOU ARE A WOMAN
AND THEN THE PROBLEMS ARE PRETTY OBVIOUS

but the chick’s dad is like NO WAY, MY DAUGHTER IS GOING TO MARRY THAT SEXY HUNTER
and Bringham Young is like “How about a compromise
how about I give you 30 days
and if your daughter has not married one of the dudes I’ve picked by then, I kill you
and in the meantime, I send CRAZY MORMON GHOSTS to infiltrate your house
and pin numbers to all your stuff
to remind you how many days you have left?”
and the chick’s dad is like “That doesn’t sound like a compromise
that actually sounds like a horror movie”
but it’s too late, cause ghosts are already up in his shit!

but luckily that sexy hunter comes in and rescues them
but then it’s not really that lucky because he goes off to wrestle a bear
and while he’s gone the mormons catch up and kill the dad and marry the chick
and then she dies of a bad marriage
and all that’s left for the hunter to do
is to spend the rest of his life seeking REVENGE

SOUND LIKE A NONSEQUITUR?
WELL IT WON’T WHEN I TELL YOU WHAT THAT HUNTER’S NAME IS
IT’S JEFFERSON HOPE
the dude who just did all those murders
and the dudes Bringham Young picked to marry that chick?
those are the dudes that got murdered just now!
Jefferson Hope chased them all the way to England
and then he got one of them drunk and murdered him in a house
with those poison pills
(actually he gave him a choice between a poison pill and a placebo
but jesus came down and made him pick the poison or something)
and then he just straight stabbed the other guy
oh yeah and that blood from earlier was from Jefferson’s nose
because he was so excited about murders
oh and then as soon as he tells everyone about the evil mormon’s and shit
his heart explodes
thus conspicuously preventing justice from being served
except I guess justice has been served
because those mormons had it coming
and no one even thinks it’s odd
that Sherlock Holmes solved this mystery with a combination of cocaine, dog-poisoning, and child labor

So the moral of the story
…
is a fucking mystery.

The end.