The Little Red Overachiever

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So there’s this hen

this hen has three traits:
little
red
and FUCKING INSUFFERABLE
as our story opens
she is busy finding some wheat seeds all over the ground
but instead of eating them
like hens are supposed to
she picks them up with her nonexistant opposable thumbs
and lugs them all the way back to the farm where she lives
so she can show them to her friends
her friends are as follows:
A lazy dog
a sleepy cat
and a noisy duck
in other words
animals behaving like animals are supposed to behave
and all of a sudden here comes this hen like GUYS GUYS GUYS I GOT SOME WHEAT SEEDS
WHO IS GOING TO HELP ME PLANT THIS WHEAT
and the dog is like what? no.
and the cat is like how would we even do that? we are animals.
and the duck is like YOU CANNOT BE LOUDER THAN ME I AM THE NOISY DUCK.
so the hen is like FINE
I WILL PLANT IT MYSELF
and somehow she does that

so then she waits for several months for this wheat to grow
i do not know how many months specifically
i am not a farm guy
and also i think it depends on what time of year
but no matter what it is an amount of time far longer than a hen is able to conceptualize
so one day this hen is walking along and she’s like HOLY SHIT
WHEAT
GUYS
I FOUND SOME WHEAT
WHO IS GOING TO HELP ME HARVEST THE WHEAT?
and the dog is like uhhhh, not it.
and the cat is like maybe try the farmer? I hear he has thumbs.
and the duck is like QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK THEY CALL ME THE NOISY DUCK

So the hen once again pulls some kind of crazy witchcraft
which allows her to harvest the wheat
and then she’s like HUFF HUFF
OKAY GUYS
I HAVE HARVESTED THE WHEAT
WHO WANTS TO HELP ME TAKE IT TO THE MILL TO GET IT GROUND INTO FLOWER
and the dog is like wow, that sounds like pretty much the worst thing I could do.
and the cat is like don’t they have trucks for that kind of shit?
and the duck is like BEING LOUD IS ALL I HAVE AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME

so the little red hen travels all across the country
trying to find a mill that will accept wheat from a crazy talking hen
and finally she finds one
pays the miller with her invisible hen-money
and then lugs the bag of flour all the way back to the farm
and she’s like OKAY, GUYS
I HAVE THE FLOUR
PEOPLE LIKE BAKING, RIGHT?
THAT IS A THING THAT PEOPLE LIKE, ISN’T IT?
SOMEBODY HELP ME MAKE THIS WHEAT INTO FUCKING BREAD ALREADY
and the dog is like I would love to except i just discovered heroin
and the cat is like I try to make a policy out of not hanging around red-hot ovens
and the duck is like HEN
IF YOU DO NOT STOP SHOUTING I WILL RIP OUT YOUR SKULL AND USE IT TO MAKE A FUCKING MEGAPHONE

so the hen bakes the bread
i am not even going to theorize about how she does it
and the bread comes out of the oven all piping hot and delicious
and she is like OKAY GUYS, WHO WANTS TO HELP ME EAT THIS BREAD
and the dog doesn’t say anything because of the heroin
and the cat is like I’m not even sure i can digest bread
and the duck is like BITCH YOU HAVE UNTIL THE COUNT OF THREE
THEN I AM COMING OVER THERE AND SEWING UP YOUR FACE
and the hen is like HAHA WELL YOU DIDN’T HELP ME MAKE THE BREAD
SO NOW YOU DON’T GET TO HELP ME EAT IT EITHER
then she eats an entire loaf of bread all by herself
and probably dies because that is too much bread for a hen
and then the farmer comes out and feeds all the other animals
because they live on a FARM and that is how farms WORK

so the moral of the story
is that agriculture is for jerks

THE END.

The Little Engine That Has Terrible Co-Workers

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Okay so there’s this train

actually, it is just the front of a train
i think it is called a steam engine or a mechano-bear or something
but this engine has a problem
it is REALLY SMALL
and that wouldn’t be so bad
except it also has FEELINGS
and FACIAL EXPRESSIONS
and this shit is getting too real for me
trains can think now?
trains are people?
fuck man
if I’m inside a train, does that mean I am getting digested?
is everyone who has ever ridden Amtrak secretly just TRAIN POOP?
Put these questions out of your minds, my friends
they will interfere with the enjoyment of this story

okay
so we’re just going along with the whole talking trains thing
and one day
at the train place
there is this big long train
but without the steam engine part
just the back part of the train with all the zoo animals in it
or whatever else they put in trains that is less cool than zoo animals
and this train is like HEY ENGINES
WHO WANTS TO TOW ME UP THAT MASSIVE HILL OVER THERE
and at first it is addressing this question to one of the bigass freight engines
one of the ones that comes equipped with like ONE HO-JILLION BEARPOWER
but that engine is just like NO WAY DUDE
I JUST CLOCKED OUT
I AM ABOUT TO GO HOME
GET A NICE SCRUB-DOWN
AND GET BUSY WITH MY TRAIN-WIFE
holy shit guys
I know I said I wasn’t gonna bring up the whole anthropomorphic train thing again
but does this mean that train crashes are actually train SEX?
WHY DO SO MANY INNOCENT PEOPLE HAVE TO DIE FOR YOUR PLEASURE, DEMON TRAINS
IS THE LOVE TRAIN STILL THE LOVE TRAIN IF THE TRACKS ARE SMEARED WITH BLOOD????

so anywayyyyyyyy
then the traincars turn to ANOTHER bigass engine
like hey handsome
I bet YOU want to tow me up that hill
but that engine is WAYYY POOPED
so he is just like fuck no
wait
did I say HE?
How can you tell whether a train is a dude or a chick?
is there such a thing as trainballs?
WHERE DOES IT END????

no no okay shhhh
so finally the traincars turn to this tiny little engine i introduced at the beginning of the story
and the traincars are like okay you puny bastard
do you want to tow me up that hill?
and the little engine is like DO I?
so he gets his little caboose all hooked up
and he starts chugging along
right up that hill
but here’s the thing
this dude is TINY
this is not what he was built for
but that is okay
because what he lacks in technical specifications
he more than makes up for in GUMPTION
WAIT
GUMPTION IS NOT A QUALITY TRAINS CAN HAVE
THEY ARE MACHINES
I DO NOT GO INTO A CAR DEALERSHIP AND SAY
WELL THIS CAR LOOKS GOOD BUT HOW MUCH GUMPTION DOES IT HAVE
but no one told that to this little engine apparently
because it is just chuffing the fuck out of this upward slope
muttering an inspirational phrase to itself
from the self-actualization class it enrolled in
because an inferiority complex brought on by its size
yeah
if it can have gumption it can sure as shit have psychological disorders
so the train is huffing and puffing and muttering
“I think i can i think i can i think i can i think i can”
NO YOU DON’T
YOU ARE A TRAIN
YOU CANNOT THINK
YOUR MENTAL PROCESSES ARE LIMITED TO A CEASELESS HUNGER FOR COAL
AND THE CAPACITY TO SHOVE ERRANT COWS OUT OF YOUR PATH
but holy christ on a gravyboat
apparently this shit ACTUALLY WORKS
the train gets up over the top of the hill
and then it’s coasting on down the other side
like “FUCK YEAH I KNEW IT”
and then the zoo animals get to the zoo on time and the children are pleased

so the moral of the story
is do not ride trains, because it is gross

THE END

INTERMISSION

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OKAY GUYS CHECK IT OUT

There’s this mouse, right
his name it Jerry, which is a weird name for a mouse to have
maybe he stole it
this dude sure has no qualms about stealing, I will tell you that
in fact what is he doing right now?
Oh
oh
STEALIG
STEALIGN*
STEALINGGGGGG
cheese
he is stealing cheese
you can buy that at the store you stupid mouse
if you are fancy enough to have a person name
then you are fancy enough to eat in restaurants and shop at grocery stores
leave us alone
but NOOOOOO
Jerry decides to scurry out of his little mousehole
and climb onto the dinner table with DISTINCTLY UNMOUSELIKE DEXTERITY
THERE IS NOTHING MOUSELIKE ABOUT JERRY MOUSE
HE WALKS ON TWO LEGS AND HE SPEAKS ENGLISH AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER THINGS
LOOK
I MADE A CHART:
LOOK CLOSELY. CAN YOU SPOT THE DIFFERENCE?

So Jerry is busy scurrying up the inside of the uncanny valley
and meanwhile there’s this other dude
Tom
Tom Cat
now you might be thinking to yourself
“Gosh, with a name like Tom Cat, he must be a cat!”
WRONG
There is nothing less catlike in the whole world than Tom motherfucking cat
he is like if you took off a cat’s skin
draped it over a bicycle
and then taught the bicycle to be an idiot
that is a bad metaphor but you get what I’m trying to say

so basically what happens
is Tom tries EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER to get laid
And Jerry
well
he starts out trying to get food
but after about TEN FUCKING SECONDS
his motivation changes from “basic survival”
to “force Tom Cat to eat himself.”
and this only works because Tom is obligingly ignorant of his own anatomy
all you gotta do is like
put his tail between some breadslices
or inside a pineapple
and suddenly he is ALL OVER THAT SHIT
he could be HOLDING IT IN HIS FUCKING HANDS THE WHOLE TIME
THE SECOND HE LOOKS OVER AND SEES SOME WHIPPED CREAM ON THAT SHIT
ALL BETS ARE OFF
OBJECT PERMANENCE:
INVENTED TO PREVENT THIS EXACT SITUATION
ALTHOUGH ACTUALLY I DOUBT EVEN THE MOST INTELLIGENT OF DESIGNERS
COULD HAVE FORESEEN A SITUATION
WHERE SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TO BE DISCOURAGED
FROM EATING THEIR OWN FUCKING BODY
i am beginning to develop a theory about Tom and Jerry
I will tell you in a minute

So Tom eventually forgets about trying to get laid
mainly because he is a terrible sex man
because he is a cat that walks on two legs
and smokes cigars and has no dick
and at that point he becomes totally consumed with trying to murder Jerry
this is always the story
this is the sad tableau that they rehash every day of their wacky, wacky lives
maybe they are ice skating
maybe they are on the moon
perhaps there is a dog involved
it doesn’t matter
because Tom is a relentless idiot
Jerry is a professional bastard
The cat will eventually eat his whole body
the mouse will get diabetes
and neither of them will ever realize
that they are the byproduct
of a horrible experiment designed to make indestructible dickless mammals
for use in war and cereal advertisements

so the moral of the story
is cartoons are a conspiracy
everything you enjoyed as a child is a lie

You’re Welcome.

Teig O’Kane Disposes of a Body

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William Shatner suggested this myth
but not the William Shatner you’re thinking of
ROBOT William Shatner

So there’s this dude Teig

he
is
WORTHLESS
he has this huge inheritance from his dad
and as tends to happen in these stories
he is squandering it AS HARD AS POSSIBLE
actually it’s not even an inheritance
his dad is still alive
Teig is just TAKING HIS MONEY
and funneling it into WHORES
sometimes he is literally funneling it into them
with funnels
no one likes it
not the whores
not teig
but it’s the principle of the thing, ok?

but one day this dude fucks up
he fucks up and he gets some chick pregnant
and word gets back to his dad
and his dad is like SON
I HAVE STOOD IDLY BY WHILE YOU FUNNELED ALL MY MONEY INTO THOSE WHORES
BUT THIS IS THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE WHORE’S
UH
YOU KNOW
HERE’S THE DEAL
EITHER YOU GET MARRIED TO THIS CHICK
OR I AM GIVING ALL MY MONEY TO MY NEPHEW
WHO I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN THE MONEY TO A LONG TIME AGO BECAUSE YOU SUCK
THE END

(that was Teig’s dad saying the end just now
that is not the end of the story
look, it continues below!)

so Teig is like aw man what the fuck dad
way to kill a dude’s boner
you know what
just for that
I’m gonna be a big sulkypants and go wander around on the moors at night
THE MOORS:
WHERE GOOD THINGS ALLLLWAYS HAPPEN
by the way
this may just be all the acid i took
but it looks like all my capital letters are written in blue
wordpress
what are you doing to my capital letters
I need those for yelling

so anyway, Teig goes wandering
and pretty soon it’s midnight
and he’s standing by a road
and a bunch of dudes come by talking in a STRAAAANGE LANGUAGE
and he sees them
and they are a bunch of EVIL MIDGETS
i mean he assumes they are evil because they are midgets and he is prejudiced
but what do you know
HE’S TOTALLY RIGHT
the midget-in-chief runs up to him like HEY TEIG
GOOD THING WE FOUND YOU
and Teig is like w-w-what?
and the midget is like ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER
DO YOU SPEAK IT
and Teig is like w-w-w-what?
and the midget is like
PLEASE CONTINUE SAYING WHAT TO INDICATE THAT YOU WANNA HELP US GET RID OF A DEAD BODY
and Teig is like …NO!
and the midget is like TOO BAD
JUST GONNA USE MIDGET MAGIC ON YOU AND NOW THE DEAD BODY IS GRAFTED TO YOUR SPINE
and Teig is like SHIT SHIT SHIT AHHHHH
and the midgets are like no dude it’s fine
all you gotta do is bury this body before sunrise
in the center of a church
there’s a church right by here
we can get there in only about an hour of brutal midnight marathon running
and if that church happens to be closed
there’s another church
also two other churches
also another church
and at least one of those churches has got to be open

Now friends
I think we all know which church it is that’s gonna be open
THE LAST CHURCH
DURRRR
but Teig doesn’t know this
because it is hard to metagame with a corpse clinging to your body
(which is I think a handy tip for all you dungeon masters out there)
plus the churches are all pretty hilarious
so check it out:

Church number one is locked
and Teig is about to just say fuck it
when the dead body starts TALKING TO HIM
and he’s like WHOA SHIT YOU CAN TALK?
and the dead dude is like sometimes, yeah
look, grab the key on the windowsill
unlock the door
bury me in there
so Teig does that
up until the burying part
because when he tries to pry up the church floor and dig a grave
he starts uncovering all these DEAD BODIES
because WHAT DID HE THINK WAS GOING TO BE THERE
and all the dead people are like FUCK YOU
PUT THE DIRT BACK
ALL DEAD PEOPLE CAN TALK AND IT IS RACIST OF YOU TO THINK OTHERWISE

so Teig gets the fuck out of that church
and the dead body is like yo
let’s go to the next church
and he starts pointing the direction to the next church
like some giant zombie compass or something
and Teig is like dude, if you can talk and point and whatever
why can’t you just walk to a church and bury your damn self?
and the zombie is like BECAUSE PLOT POINTS, OK?

so they get to the second church
but this time the ghosts won’t even let him in the ROOM
there is like a whole football squad of disturbingly corporeal ghosts
just like NOPE NOPE BA-DOPE all up in his way
so they gotta go to the THIRD church

the third church is a piece of cake
no ghosts, no locked doors no nothiOH WAIT INVISIBLE MURDERGHOSTS
all Teig has to do is walk in the front door
before he gets the everloving SPLEEN beat out of him by a poltergeist
or whatever the irish version of a poltergeist is
Polter McGeist
no, that still doesn’t work
Polter Oshaugnessy
that’s more like it
anyway, now he has to go to the fourth chirch

Now the fourth church is a no bullshit kind of church
Teig gets within like twenty feet of it
and then it EXPLODES INTO LIGHTNING
and Teig is like uh whoa
who installed the security measures on these churches
it seems really counterproductive to design a bunch of graveyards
that EXPLODE WHEN YOU TRY TO BURY DUDES IN THEM
or else KILL YOU IN SOME OTHER WAY
because i feel like the last thing you want when you are trying to bury bodies
is MORE BODIES TO BUY
what a racket, geeze
and then he heads to the FIFTH church

And the fifth church is the last church
so by process of elimination
both the audience and Teig now know
that nothing could possibly go wrong in this church
and nothing goes wrong
NICE
and then the day is saved
or at least the condition of that weird talking corpse is saved
and this for some reason convinces Teig to change his whorefunneling ways
even though the more likely outcome of a near death experience
is a one way ticket on the boozetrain to prostitution island
and then you drown in the lake of bad decisions because TRAINS DON’T GO ON WATER
but no no no
Teig gets married to his shotgun bride
and all is well in the world

so the moral of the story
is that they call them undertakers FOR A REASON

the end.

Little Ajax Prolly Has a Tiny Penis

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I was sure there were like no greek myths that I hadn’t already told
but I guess I was wrong
AS USUAL
special thanks to Sigmund Train, Sigmund Freud’s UNSTOPPABLE COUSIN
for teaching me this:

So yall remember Cassandra, right?
She’s the chick who Apollo tried to sex up in his own temple
but instead of sexing her up
he ended up cursing her with a gift for making prophecies that NO ONE WOULD EVER BELIEVE
and then she predicted the Trojan war
and that worked out real well for everybody
If I have said it once I have said it a thousand times:
Apollo does not have very much game.

So anyway, cut to the end of the Trojan war
when everyone is busy dying and stuff
mainly Trojans
because Odysseus just threw a fake horse through their wall
and all the Greeks have been at this war for a LOOOOONG time
and they are PISSED
and they are like man
how are we gonna let off some steam?
OH I KNOW:
RAPE

so everyone is running around dispensing buckets of nonconsensual sex
ESPECIALLY this guy named little Ajax
you may remember him as the guy who did almost NO SPECTACULAR THINGS during the war
because he was understandably overshadowed
both literally and figuratively
by BIG AJAX
(who kills himself later because he’s being a little bitch about some armor
but that’s another story)
so little Ajax sees Cassandra
yeah, I bet you were wondering where I was going with this
and he is like IF THIS CHICK IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR APOLLO
SHE IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME
which I think is a good maxim to live by
but Cassandra doesn’t
because Cassandra didn’t even wanna bone Apollo
and that dude is a GOD
albeit a skeezy god with no game and poor sportsmanship
so she is just like AW HELL NO
and runs into the nearest temple of Athena to hide
and little Ajax is like ARE YOU SHITTING ME?
YOU’RE HIDING I A TEMPLE?
SHIT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ANY DOORS.
so he runs inside
and Cassandra is holding onto a statue of Athena
so little Ajax just drags her out along with the statue
because I guess he was saving his strength the whole war
for when he needed to use it to RAPE PEOPLE
i mean, ok
none of the primary sources on this myth actually explicitly say he raped her
but come on
what else was he gonna do?
Checkers?
Not unless they were rape checkers.

So anyway, Ajax takes Cassandra back to his boat
and meanwhile Athena is like WHAT THE FUCK
NO NO NO
first of all:
there is straight up a law against boning people in temples
yes, the greeks had so much of a problem with that that they had to make a LAW against it
I don’t even think christianity has that
and they have a pathological fear of boners
and second of all
Athena is basically the goddess of chastity
and a bunch of other things that add up to women not getting raped while clinging to a replica of her
so this is kind of a big slap in the face
and another slap in the face is that Cassandra is one of her PRIESTESSES
so that’s like a 2x faceslap combo
but the BIGGEST slap in the face
is that Athena
IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE SIDE OF THE GREEKS
so she can’t even kill little Ajax or anything
BECAUSE HE IS ON HER SIDE
WHEN YOUR TEAMMATES START RAPING YOUR FRIENDS, THIS IS WHEN YOU KNOW IT IS TIME TO SWITCH TEAMS

but so Ajax brings Cassandra back to the boats
and Agamemnon is like oh, a hot chick
YOINK
you would think he’d have learned something from the LAST TIME HE DID THIS
but Ajax is much more of a pussy than Achilles
so he just lets it happen
and then Odysseus pops up like HEY HEY HEY
AJAX TOTALLY RAPED THAT CHICK
(Odysseus: Mortal foe to ALL Ajaxes?)
and Agamemnon is like IS THIS TRUE?
and Ajax is like uh
no?
and Odysseus is like dude
Agamemnon
he’s totally lying
look at him, he’s an asshole
I say we stone him to death
and Ajax is like NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and runs away
and hides
IN A TEMPLE OF ATHENA
WOW
THAT’S A LOT LIKE TRYING TO ESCAPE RAPE PROSECUTION
BY HIDING YOUR DICK IN A BEARTRAP
IT WON’T EVEN HIDE YOUR DICK
THOSE TEMPLES DON’T HAVE DOORS, WE’VE ESTABLISHED THIS

but anyway, Ajax is in the temple all like hey Athena
I know we have been through some rough times
but uh
can I get a do-over?
I’ll totally wash your dishes and stuff until I work off this rape
and Athena is like how about
HIGGITY-HELL NO
HEY ZEUS
CAN I BORROW ONE OF YOUR LIGHTNING BOLTS REAL QUICK?
and Zeus is like sure, yeah
I have tons of these fuckers
and then Athena is like BAZZAP
right in Ajax’s butterpouch
and Ajax dies
and then Athena proceeds to call in a favor with Poseidon
(probably from that time he tricked Hephaestus into jizzing on her leg)
to make him him wreck all the other Greek ships on their way home
and that is pretty much why the Odyssey happens
so
wow.

So the moral of the story
is try not to be sexy inside of any temples
because if the gods don’t rape you, Ajax will

THE END.

Petronilla Predates Breast Reduction Surgery

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Stories like these are exactly why I got into this business:

So Saint Petronilla is the daughter of Saint Peter
apparently saintliness runs in the family
also names that sound like Peter
but anyway, Petronilla is a pretty lame saint
because when our story begins
she is down with a wretched fever
and what kind of saint gets a fever?
A LAME SAINT
LIKE I SAID

so yeah, she’s all sick
and Peter gives the minimum required number of shits
which is NEGATIVE A THOUSAND
he gives so few shits it’s like he’s got a stick up his ass
and that stick shoots out of his mouth
and it is actually a prehensile enema kit
that flies around and sucks the shit out of OTHER PEOPLE’S ASSES
WOW that got gross

what I MEANT to say
is that while his daughter is busy enjoying the ultimate fever
saint peter is throwing a RAD PARTY at his place
all the other saintly dudes are hanging out
turning water into ecstacy and playing football with babies
or whatever it is saints do when there is no one around to tell them to behave
but one of the guys is like yo Peter
I thought you could cure any illness
that’s kind of why we let you into the saints club
kinda slacking with your daughter there, arentcha?
and Peter is like what
NO
that bitch is sick because I WANT her to be sick
have you SEEN her tits?
one step outside that threshold and it’s dick city all up in that cleavage
I am NOT having that from no daughter of mine
would TOTALLY ruin the whole saint thing we’ve got going on
and Peter’s bro is like naw dude you frontin
and Peter is like OH YEAH?
PETRONILLA
GET I HERE AND FRESHEN UP THESE DRANKS
and boom
Petronilla is cured of fever
she comes in
she serves the drinks
and then Peter is like VERY GOOD PETRONILLA
BOOM
YOU’RE SICK AGAIN
BACK IN YOUR ROOM
GO COVER UP THOSE UNGODLY TITS WITH FEVERSWEAT AND HALLUCINATIONS
and everyone is like whoa Peter
AWESOME PARTYYYYYYYYYYYY

so time passes
and Petronilla’s tits stubbornly refuse to become any less bo-damn-dangulous
but finally Petronilla figures it out
she’s like okay, god
I promise to not bang any dudes
I am perfect in my love of you and yadda yadda
can we move on from the fever stage of this transaction now?
and god is like AYUP
HEY UH
COULD YOU UH
JUMP UP AND DOWN A LITTLE BIT?
MAYBE KINDA MASSAGE YOUR CHEST SOME?
NICE.

so now Petronilla is cured!
and it turns out all of Saint Peter’s worst fears were 100% justified
i mean he really only had the one fear
and it was less of a fear than an unqualified suspicion of sexytimes
but you get my drift
so anyway Petronilla is all parading down the boulevard
her snugglebubbles bobbing in the breeze
and the men on the street
collectively emit such a DAYUM
that eardrums are shattered for miles around
although that may just be because dudes have boners COMING OUT OF THEIR EARS

but one dude has the most plentiful boners of all
his name is Flaccus, which is a bad start
and he is like HEY PETRONILLA LEMME SEX U
and Petronilla is like okay sure
just send me a whole mess of virgins and I will get married to you no problem
and Flaccus is like wow that was easy
and he goes to get the virgins
and Petronilla is like SWEET
NOW THAT I’VE BOUGHT MYSELF SOME TIME
I CAN TOTALLY HAVE SEX WITH GOD AND THEN IMMEDIATELY DIE
(it says she “received the holy body of our lord”
but you all saw how the lord was looking at her tits, come on)

so Flaccus gets back and he’s like FUCK
well good thing I opted for the extended warranty on fiancees
hey Petronilla’s friend, we’re getting married now
and Petronilla’s friend is like eew no
and Flaccus is like okay, next best thing
gonna starve you to death, then beat you to death, then hang you to death, then hit you with swords
so he does
then he throws her body in some poop
and this holy dude named Nicodemus picks up the body and buries it properly
but Flaccus is like FIGGITY-FUCK NO
and he beats Nicodemus to death, too
and then Nicodemus’s good bro Justin buries HIM
like some crazy corpse relay race

so the moral of the story
is that being ugly sucks
but don’t be pretty, or else everybody dies

the end.

TWO PRINCESSES GET TRIPLE HEAD XXX

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11

So I lied

today is going to be another story you’ve probably never heard
BECAUSE IT IS RAD AND FUCK YOU

so there’s this king
his treasury is getting a little low
but kings don’t know how to hold down steady jobs
so the only way he can think of to make more money
is to marry a rich chick
so he goes out and he finds a chick who is SO RICH
that her riches have actually SUCKED ALL THE PRETTY OUT OF HER BODY
and then tripled the size of her bitch gland
and then she got old

so no one can figure out why the king is doing this
even though she’s OBVIOUSLY loaded
but he does it
because he is NOT going to get a job or raise taxes.
this is known as “taking one for the team”
when you think about it
a king is kind of like a wingman but for an entire country
don’t think about it too hard, though

anyway, this ugly chick has an ugly daughter
and both of them suck
and they convince the king to start hating his REAL daughter
who is so attractive
that you canNOT bounce a quarter off her ass
because it would get STUCK
and this mega hot princess is super fed up with suddenly having people not like her
she is used to being able to just float across rooms
on the air cushion displaced by a thousand boners popping at once
this whole “people not liking her” thing is totally not cool
so she’s like fuck this
I’m leaving
hey dad
I’m running away from home
can I have some traveling supplies?
and her dad is like SURE, HONEY
TAKE THIS STALE BREAD AND THIS CHEESE AND THIS BOTTLE OF BEER
I AM YOUR FATHER
AND YOU ARE A GREAT DAUGHTER
BUT I HAVE TO HATE YOU NOW BECAUSE STEPMOTHERS
THAT IS HOW THESE STORIES WORK

so she takes this sack of what is essentially garbage
and she starts walking
looking for hot dudes to bone
and pretty soon she runs up on the least hot dude of all
some old guy sitting in front of his gross smelly cave
and he’s like hey gurl
what you gonna do with all that junk
all that junk inside your sack
and she’s like I’ma get get get get you drunk
provided you can get drunk off one beer and some cheese
and the old man is like WELL I’M WILLING TO TRY

so he drinks all her beer
and eats most of her food
and she doesn’t say anything because this is kind of awkward
and then he’s like wow
thanks for all that food
here, have this wand
yeah I’m a cave-hobo with a wand
WHAT OF IT?!
Look, this wand is great
you can use it to totally dispell this huge thorn bush up ahead
and then after that you will arrive at a well
and you should go sit on it
and then do WHATEVER ANYONE TELLS YOU TO DO
NO MATTER HOW WEIRD IT SOUNDS

guys
this just sounds like a really convoluted way
of setting this volcanically hot princess up for a routine cave-hobo gangbang
but people in fairytales are routinely rewarded for making terrible decisions
so i guess I understand why the princess goes along with this.
she just rolls up to those hedges
busts them open with her wand
goes up to the well and is like alright, what now

HERE IS WHAT NOW:
A DISEMBODIED HEAD
yep. a disembodied head made out of gold comes floating out of the well
singing
like
pick me up, princess, and comb my hair
then set me out to dry on that grass over there
I’ll be so pretty, with my body eschewed
Man, I’ma scare the shit out of so many dudes
seriously
it’s gonna be great
and the princess is like SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN
so she styles the fuck out of this disembodied headhair
and then lays it out all nice to dry
and a SECOND head busts out of the well
and does the EXACT SAME THING
and then a THIRD HEAD comes out and does THE EXACT SAME THING
the shock value is kinda gone at this point
you would think they would try and coordinate their demands a little
but nope
all they want
is for their creepy well-drenched hair to be IMPECCABLE

so after the princess has styled them all the way up
they are like THANKS, LADY
OKAY GUYS
HOW SHOULD WE REWARD HER FOR THIS?
OH OH
HOW ABOUT WE WEIRD THE SHIT OUT OF HER
yep, that’s what they do
they start weirding her
but if you think about it
what else are a trio of gold-plated fashion-forward heads that live in a well gonna do to you?
so the first one weirds her so that her hotness is now representable only in irrational numbers
like 6.ennui and craaaaaazy seven
the second one weirds her voice so that it is like she is shooting naked ladies out of her mouth
but with less concussions and 6.ennui percent more arousal
and the third one weirds her future so that it includes a marriage to the BADDEST KING IN THE LAND
(bad like as in good, though)

so the princess is like thanks guys
and she keeps walking
and immediately she runs up on some random king in the woods
what have I told you about woods
they are lousy with kings
and at this point this princess is SO ATTRACTIVE
that the horse’s horseshoes shoot off of its feet and directly onto her tits
and then her magma hotness melts them into fluid
and they drizzle down her body terminator style
into a mold of the most IRON-HARD ERECTION EVER
which is located in the king’s pants
and he’s like hey
let’s get married
and she’s like okay!
and then they get married IMMEDIATELY
this king was out hunting by the way
apparently for BOOTAY

so then the princess goes to visit her dad
basically to be like haha dad despite your best efforts I got totally married
and her dad is like AWESOME, I LIKE YOU BETTER NOW
and the ugly stepmother’s ugly daughter is like PSH WHATEVER
I BET I COULD GET MARRIED TO TWICE AS MANY HOT DUDES AS MY MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE STEPSISTER
so she gets herself hooked up with some swanky dresses
and some dope food
and a whooooole bottle of wine
and she sets off along the same road that lead her sister to marriageville
and she runs up on the same cave-hobo
who is like hey uh…
ma’am?
got any food for a cave hobo?
and she’s like I’VE GOT FOOD, BUT IT IS NOT FOR YOU
and he’s like well fuck you then
and she goes on her way
and she comes up on these thick thornbushes
and she’s like OOH I THINK I SEE AN OPENING
but it is not an opening
what she thought was an opening was apparently just MORE THORNS
she gets so ruined by these thorns that by the time she gets out she is bleeding EVERYWHERE
probably she’s no less attractive though
this is one of the pros of being ugly

so now she’s at the well
and the heads start showing up
like HEY COMB OUR HAIR
and she’s like HOW ABOUT I COMB YOUR HEADS
WITH THIS BOTTLE OF WINE
AND BY COMB I MEAN BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF
so she starts concussing them and getting hammered at the same time
and then when she’s done
the three heads are like oh boy
let’s weird this chick something FIERCE
so the first one weirds her to have a big splotchy face
and the second one weirds her to have a voice like a Rafi album going down a trash compactor
and the third one weirds her so that she will be happy to be married to a cobbler
dude, I would be happy to get married to a cobbler
no one would have to weird me or anything
free shoes.

But anyway, the sister is like BLAH BLAH WHATEVER GUYS
and she heads out and she goes into a village
and all the children start running away from her
because she has passed the tipping point of ugliness
where it goes from something that people politely avoid staring at
to something people avoid staring at BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE
people are throwing up barricades left and right and also their stomach contents
it is a disaster
and she can’t even calm them down by talking to them
because her voice is like if butts were a sound
and not cute butts
gross butts
gross oily butts

but luckily this town has a cobbler
and this cobbler recently got ripped off by a hermit
who couldn’t pay for his shoes with money,
and so instead paid for them with homeopathic remedies for ugliness
so basically just like
a family-size bucket of concealer
like for her whole face
and also one of those voice modulator things that they give to smokers
that make you sound like a badass robot
and he sees this ugly ugly ugly chick in these nice clothes
and he’s like hey gurl
I will fix all your ugly if you marry me
and she’s like OKAY WHATEVER
SOLD
and they get married
and they go back to the king
and his ugly wife is so embarassed that she kills herself
and the king is like NICE
NOW I GET ALL HER MONEY AND I DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH HER
GREAT JOB, COBBLER
HERE’S A HUNDRED BUCKS
GO ENJOY YOUR GROSS WIFE
and he does
and the two of them get along very well
and everyone else is either happy or dead

So the moral of the story
is that the only thing worse than being ugly
is being poor.

THE END.

Prince Five-Weapons in the Land of Incredibly Descriptive Names

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Here’s one I picked up while I was reading something else

(Don’t worry guys, I’ll get back to myths you already know and love on Thursday)
(Also, you should read this comic called Happle Tea if you don’t already
this guy’s interests definitely overlap with mine
and therefore, YOURS)

So there’s this guy named prince five-weapons
he has actually JUST NOW been named this
because he completed some kind of ridiculous five-weapon training
it seems to me that it might be a better use of one’s time
to just get five times better with one weapon
and then you don’t have to carry FIVE FUCKING WEAPONS ALL THE TIME
but that is not the way prince five-weapons thinks
so he completes his training
and his sensei loads him down with FIVE WEAPONS
and he sets off to go tell his dad
KING ELEVEN-WEAPONS
(that’s not his name I made that up)
about his shiny new weapons.

But here’s the problem:
between the prince and his dad
there is this HUGE JANKY FOREST
and that forest is filled with a HUGE JANKY OGRE
named STICKY-HAIR
and everyone is like noooo don’t go in that forest man
there is an ogre in there and maybe you should go around
and prince five-weapons is like oh poppycock
have you guys not seen my FIVE WEAPONS?
My weapons:
There are five of them
not counting my two ENORMOUS TESTICLES
and why would you count those as weapons?
they are tender and unwieldy and probably the weakest point on my whole body
seriously
balls suck
it’s like if tanks came equipped with a big button on the front that fed the driver to bears

ANYWAY
Prince Five-weapons just recklesses his way into the forest
and pretty soon he runs up on Sticky-hair the ogre
and sticky hair is like dude
didn’t anyone tell you to go around these woods?
and prince five weapons is like ONLY BASICALLY EVERYONE I MET
BUT THEN FIVE GOOD FRIENDS OF MINE ADVISED ME TO IGNORE THEM
THESE FRIENDS TO WHICH I REFER
THEY ARE MY WEAPONS
OBSERVE:

so he busts out his bow and arrow
and he shoots a ton of arrows at this ogre
but they all just get stuck in the ogre’s hair
as his name might imply
hey, why is this ogre’s hair sticky, anyway?
I mean, I guess you get pretty lonely being an ogre in the woods
seeing as you have to eat anyone even remotely friendable or bangable or friendbangable
and then when you get lonely…
but i do not want to think about this anymore

so five-weapons keeps shooting Stickypubes with arrows
but they all just stick to his hair
which makes me wonder why five-weapons keeps shooting at his hair
unless this dude is like
seriously hairy
riding the pube-bus to armenian island or some shit

so when it becomes clear how much the arrows plan is failing
the prince busts out his SWORD
and he starts beating that against the ogre
but his SWORD get stuck
so he tries his SPEAR
and then when that gets stuck
he tries his CLUB
and uh
yeah, that gets stuck too

so the demon is like HEY PRINCE FIVE-WEAPONS
LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE OUT OF WEAPONS
AND IF YOU WERE COUNTING YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT YOU ONLY ACTUALLY HAVE 4 WEAPONS
and the prince is like DUDE
THE ARROWS AND THE BOW TOTALLY COUNT AS SEPARATE WEAPONS
and the ogre is like DUDE, NO THEY DON’T
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH AN ARROWLESS BOW
OR SOME BOWLESS ARROWS?
THOSE ARE SOME WEAK SHIT MY FRIEND
AND PLUS IF THEY REALLY DID COUNT AS SEPARATE WEAPONS THEN EACH ARROW WOULD COUNT SEPARATELY
AND YOU WOULD HAVE LIKE FIFTY BAZILLION WEAPONS OR SOMETHING
and the prince is like OKAY OKAY FINE THE FIFTH WEAPON IS MY FISTS
HOW ABOUT THAT
HOW ABOUT MY FISTS

so he runs up and punches stickyhair right in his sticky hair
so his fist gets stuck
so he uses his other fist
duh
then he uses his foot and his other foot
and then his head
holy shit this is starting to sound a lot like another story I know

but anyway now Prince Five-weapons is dangling from this ogre’s disgustingly sticky belly
and he’s still flailing around like COME ON
BRING IT
and the ogre is like whoa
I’m an ogre
eating stupid people is what I DO
but I ain’t NEVER met a dude as stupid as this
HE MUST BE HIDING SOMETHING
HEY DUDE, WHAT GIVES?
AREN’T YOU AFRAID OF DYING?
and the prince is like UMMM
NO?
I mean when you think about it
everybody’s gotta die sometime
and getting smashed by a suspiciously tacky fantasy monster while I writhe on his stomach
is a pretty rad way to die
way better than old age or lupus
PLUS
did I not tell you?
I have a lightning bolt in my stomach
and if you eat me it will give you WICKED INDIGESTION
like, pretty much the wickedest indigestion you can get
I am talking broomstick and cackles
bubble bubble
toil and trouble
wicked
fucking
stomach cramps

and the ogre is like OH SHIT THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE
ALRIGHT DUDE
I’M GONNA GO AHEAD AND BELIEVE YOU AND LET YOU GO
and the prince is like SWEET, I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT WORKED
except honestly there was never any doubt
because what I forgot to tell you guys
is that prince five-weapons is actually THE BUDDHA IN A PREVIOUS INCARNATION
yup
you just got tricked
you and everyone else
because I told this story wrong

but so yeah
now that he’s free, Buddha turns the ogre into a friendly ghost
who hangs out by the entrance to the forest and solicits donations
and everyone avoids eye contact with him and shoves their hands deep in their pockets

so the moral of the story
is that there is an invincible weapon inside all of us
that can overcome all enemies
it is called lying.

THE END.

THE RING CYCLE is actually an event in men’s gymnastics

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Guys, it just occurred to me
what the fuck is guff?
like when you refuse to take any guff
what exactly is it that you are turning down?
is it big wheelbarrows full of shit?
is guff like shit?
or is guff an unknown quantity in unlabeled brown paper
tied with twine
and it could be anything
it could be rubies or sex lasers
but you just turn it away at the door
just rejecting forklifts full of the stuff
no questions asked????

Think about that the next time you refuse some guff.

The Six Sick Swans’ Slick Sis’s Speechless

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Today’s tale was casually mentioned to me
by figure-skating femme fatale
CHRYSANTHEMUM BLADESTARR
here we go:

so there’s this king
he is terrible at hunting
because of how terrible he is, he gets lost in the woods
and he didn’t bring any GPS, so he has to use the closest fairytale equivalent:
WITCHES
so this witch is like hey king I will get you out of these woods
but first you have to promise to get YOUR wood into MY daughter
if you know what I mean
and the king is like ewwww
that is pretty much the worst way you could have said that
but I am lost in these woods and I will die otherwise
so I GUESS i will marry your incredibly hot daughter
I GUESS

so he does, and then they get out of the forest and he takes her back home
here is what everyone has forgotten, though
THE KING IS ALREADY MARRIED
HE HAS SEVEN KIDS
HE HAS SIX SONS AND A DAUGHTER
and I don’t know what the fuck he does with his old wife
but he is so scared of his new wife that he hides all of his kids in a TOWER IN THE WOODS
and the only way to find the tower is to use this magic ball of yarn he has
I guess he went through a lot of effort to prepare for something like this
he must get lost in the woods a lot

so he’s always going out to the woods to visit his kids
because he is not SUCH a terrible father
and eventually his new wife gets curious where he’s going
so she steals his magic yarn
and she goes to the tower
and all the kids think it’s their real mom, so the six brothers run out like HEYYYYY
and she’s like HEYYYY KIDS
PUT ON THESE SWEATERS I MADE YOU
THEY ARE SUPER WARM AND THEY WILL TURN YOU INTO SWANS
and the brothers are all like SQUAWK SQUAWK WE ARE SWANS NOW
and the sister is unaffected by all this
because SHE
is not a DUMBASS

so pretty soon the king shows up at the tower in the woods
and he finds that all his sons are gone
and he just has a daughter
so he abruptly stops giving a shit and never comes back to the tower ever again
and then the daughter decides that she’s going to go wander around in the woods for a while
and pretty soon she finds this abandoned-looking cottage
and out of some supernatural survival instinct, she decides to sleep UNDER the bed
maybe she is in shock
but it turns out pretty good
because not only is this house owned and operated by FIERCE BANDITS
but also this is apparently where her bros come every night
during the 15 minutes during which they are allowed to STOP BEING SWANS
so she sees them and she is like hey bros
pretty weird that you chose the robber house as your hangout of choice, but ok
any way for you guys to stop being swans permanently?
and her bros are like well it’s simple, really
you just have to not talk for six years
and during that time, you have to knit us six sweaters out of thistles
also you cannot laugh
and the sister is like DAMMIT, BUT THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS THOUGH

so her brothers leave
and she climbs up a tree and gets to work
good thing she brought her knitting needles on this aimless walk through the woods
and pretty soon a bunch of hunters show up
and they’re like hey gurl
and she doesn’t say anything, obviously
so they’re like hey gurl
hey
hey
and she still doesn’t say anything, so they keep yelling at her
until she finally takes off her gold necklace and throws it to them, hoping it will make them leave
why would it make them leave?
SHE JUST GAVE THEM GOLD
so they hang around, harassing her
until she throws her shoes at them
and then her girdle
and her underwear
she gets pretty much naked in the tree and the guys are like alright that’s enough
we’re kidnapping you now
this is too sexy for the forest.

so they bring her to their king
and their king is like HOLY SHIT
SHE’S HOT
AAAAND SHE CAN’T TALK?
WHERE DO I SIGN?
so they get married
because consent is not required for that in fairytales
but she doesn’t give a FUCK
she is just knitting those sweaters

but there is someone who does give a fuck
and that is the castle’s resident evil stepmother
seriously, this story is riddled with evil stepmothers
and this evil stepmother doesn’t like this silent chick for some reason
so what she does
is every time the king bones the sister
and the sister gets pregnant and have a baby
the stepmother sneaks in
steals the baby
kills the baby
then rubs blood all over the sister’s mouth
and then in the morning she’s like LOOK
SHE ATE THE BABY
PLEASE CONTINUE NOT SPEAKING TO INDICATE THAT YOU TOTALLY ATE THAT BABY
and the king keeps making apologies for her
but after this happens THREE TIMES
he’s like well
either my wife is actually eating these babies
or else she is a terribly neglectful mother to have let this happen three times
so either way
gotta set her on fire
everybody go get the wifeburning equipment
I’ve got a wife to burn

so now this chick has to knit with the quickness
and she does
she does a pretty good job
she finishes everything except for the last sleeve of the last sweater
and she brings them with her to the wifeburning
and then all her swanbros show up just in time to put them on
and then she can talk again so she’s like guys
I don’t know what the hell happened
but i didn’t keep my girlish figure by devouring babies
so maybe don’t burn me?
and everyone is like “that sounds reasonable”
and then they burn the stepmother instead
and everyone is happy forever
except for the one bro who has to have a swan wing for an arm forever
because his sister COULDN’T KNIT SIX SWEATERS IN SIX YEARS

so the moral of the story
is before you take a vow of silence
get a good lawyer

THE END.