Shahmaran is Probably Delicious

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First of all I just want to say
that whoever is responsible for all of these spam comments
that have suddenly started appearing on my site
I hope your nuts catch on fire
so that your only hope of saving yourself from total immolation
is to punch yourself in the balls OVER AND OVER AGAIN
when I walk down the street now
I am pointing a magnifying glass at EVERYONE I SEE
just in case one of them is you and I have an opportunity to immolate your battersatchels.

SO THERE’S THIS DUDE TAHMASP

He’s just a regular woodcutting guy
and you may have noticed that highly irregular things tend to happen to woodcutters in these stories
and this story is NO EXCEPTION
right out the gate, Tahmasp is walking with his friends in the woods
and they find a WELL FULL OF HONEY
So being an adventurous wood-cutty dude
Tahmasp climbs down into the well to help dig all the honey out
and he hands all of it to his friends
AND THEN THEY FUCKING DITCH HIM
no one told me that big sacks of honey made people forget the meaning of friendship
this may be helpful for my evil schemes…

anyway, now Tahmasp is stuck in this well
and he can’t get out
but luckily this well has a hole in it
so he stabs his knife in that hole, over and over again
until it gets big enough for him to crawl through
and he emerges in a chamber FULL OF SNAKES
GREAT
AT LEAST BEFORE, HE WAS SURROUNDED BY HONEY RESIDUE
NOW ALL OF THE HONEY IS GONE AND HE IS TRAPPED WITH SNAKES
QUICK RULE OF THUMB:
IF YOU ARE EVER IN AN UNDERGROUND SITUATION THAT WOULD MAKE EVEN INDIANA JONES SHIT HIS PANTS
YOU ARE BEYOND HELP, MY FRIEND

Except i guess things are not as bad as my yelling would imply
because in the middle of all these snakes
is a Shahmaran
which is basically like a mermaid
but with snake instead of fish
WAIT, HOW DOES THAT MAKE THINGS BETTER?
Oh, because the Shahmaran is actually pretty chilled out
she’s like what up dude
welcome to my cave full of snakes
would you like some breakfast?
and Tahmasp is like HELL YESS SEXY SNAKE LADY

so they have breakfast
and Shahmaran keeps Tahmasp entertained by telling him a LOT of stories about shit
I mean
not about actual literal shit
but about history and stuff like that
and Tahmasp finds this fascinating
just like he finds breakfast fascinating
just like anyone would find stories and breakfast fascinating after being TRAPPED IN A WELL
so they fall in love
due to what is known as the Stockholm Syndrome
but then Shahmaran runs out of stories and Tahmasp is like fuck this, I’m out of here
i think I even have a family or something?
And Shahmaran is like aww
well, I respect your decision
I guess I should have been more entertaining
can you at least make sure not to tell anybody where I live?
I hear people like to eat Shahmaran meat in order to gain ultimate wisdom
and that would sort of ruin my day if it happened to me
and Tahmasp is like yeah, no problem
and Shahmaran is like by the way
all of that boning that we did gave you this weird STD
that makes your skin turn into snake scales whenever you take a bath
so try not to take a bath with any other dudes
or else they will know that we boned
and Tahmasp is like …okay
I mean, I wasn’t planning on taking baths with a bunch of dudes
but thank you for the heads up I guess

So Tahmasp goes back to society
and he assiduously avoids bathing with any dudes
(assiduous: constant; unremitting
for all of you who are reading my blog instead of studying for the GRE)
but then something dumb happens:
the king gets sick
and his evil advisor
(why do kings always have these?)
is like hey king
I know this sounds like a long shot
but I have it on highly suspicious authority
that the only prescription for your fever is Shahmaran meat
and the king is like okay well there’s an intelligent way of attacking this problem:
let’s just have all of the dudes in the kingdom bathe together
and first of all that will be super hotttt
and second of all, then we will know who has banged a Shahmaran and we can torture them

so the secret police round everybody up and force them to take a bath
which is nice for everybody except Tahmasp
whose skin turns into snake scales
and then his wife leaves him
and then to top it all off he gets TORTURED
until he reveals where the Shahmaran lives
so they go grab her
and Tahmasp is like I AM SOOO SORRY
THEY DID THIS THING WHERE THEY STUCK A PEAR IN MY BUTT
IT HURT SO BAD YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW
and the Shahmaran is like no worries, dude
I understand
sometimes you just gotta betray a sacred trust
no big deal
but let me tell all you guys a secret:
my head
is TOTALLY POISONOUS
anyone who eats it will die instantly
but my tail:
FULL OF WISDOM
so of course the evil adviser immediately cuts her torso off and eats her tail
and then she dies
and Tahmasp is so bummed out about this that he decides to kill himself
BY EATING THE SHAHMARAN’S HEAD
GROSSSSSSSS
THERE HAVE GOT TO BE BETTER WAYS TO KILL YOURSELF, DUDE
THERE IS A SWORD
IN THE FUCKING ROOM
but it turns out Tahmasp made the right decision
because then the evil adviser dies
and Tahmasp gets ultimate wisdom
and the king dies of leukemia because no one was actually trying to cure his disease this whole time

so the moral of the story
is do not take dietary advice from anyone who lives in a cave and encourages cannibalism

THE END.

The Emperor’s Terrible Fashion Sense

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Oh man you guys are gonna love this one

So there’s this king, right?
oh I’m sorry
EMPEROR
does anyone know what the difference between a king and an emperor is?
is an emperor like
slightly more evil than a king?
or is an emperor just a king who has come into some extra syllables?
the point is that Emperor sounds sweeter
but king is easier to type
KING IT IS

so anyway
this king is a real fancypants
and not just pants
fancyjackets
fancyscarves
fancygoddamneverything
this king is dressed up fancier than a pimp at mardi gras is what I’m saying
and word gets around about the fanciness of this king’s pants
and so one day these two tailors show up at the court
they are not actually tailors though
they are actually just criminals
but apparently this king is too busy putting on diamond corsets to do background checks
so these criminals just waltz right in
and they’re like hey king
we are really great super legitimate tailors
like with the clothes-making and whatnot
and we are here to make you an offer so good
it is going to make all subsequent offers sound like someone shitting DIRECTLY IN YOUR EARHOLES
the offer is this:
we are going to make you a fabric SO FINE
that only cool people can see it
and the king is like DEAR GOD YES

wait okay time out
there seems to me to be a big flaw in this plan from the very beginning
leaving aside for a moment the obvious flaw that the FABRIC IS NOT REAL
and that is
you have to assume that the majority of any given population is not cool
unless you are talking about the population Rad Al’s Cool n’ Pool Billiards
where only cool people are allowed
but my point is
that if you buy clothes that are only visible to cool people
you are going to look like a crazy naked dude about NINETY PERCENT OF THE TIME
and it doesn’t matter how cool the other ten percent of people think you are
because for the average guy on the street
you are that dude who just pimp-strutted out of the 7-11 with his balls flapping in the breeze
I mean okay I guess you could pull it off with the right amount of swagger
but my friends
i do not think there is enough swagger on a whole dumptruck full of cowboys
to make a pasty fashion obsessed king look cool with his wibblies out

ANYWAY
so the king gives these rascals a big sack of gold
and a big sack of gold THREAD
which they really do succeed at turning invisible
through the time-tested magic of pawn-shops
and then after about a week of demanding more thread and whores and stuff
they finally waltz into the king’s throne room
carrying a big armful of nothing
like hey
here’s the fabric
pretty neat, huh?
and the king is like uh
um
YEAH
OH MAN IT’S SO GREAT
GOOD THING I’M SO COOL OTHERWISE I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SEE ANYTHING AT ALL
and everyone else is like OH YES WHAT LOVELY FABRIC THAT IS
IT IS GOOD TO BE COOL OH YES IT CERTAINLY IS
and these two miscreants then proceed to fake tailor a suit for the king
and then they’re like alright dude
take off all those lame VISIBLE clothes
so we can help you put on these AMAZING NEW ONES
so the king is kind of nervous about this
but he’s also kind of a dumbass
and he’s super committed to this lie by this point
so he takes off his clothes
and they put the suit on him
and he does not find it odd that not only can he not see the clothes
but he can’t FEEL the clothes either
because they are NOT REAL CLOTHES
they are LIES
told by CRIMINALS
which is actually how I feel about a lot of clothes
especially certain kinds of bras
and also those underwears that make your junk look huge
but anyway the king is like okay great I wore the clothes
now I can go back to my regularly scheduled other clothes, right?
and everyone is like WRONG
see, you got all your subjects really hyped up about these new clothes
and now they totally wanna see them
and simultaneously find out who’s not cool enough to see them
SO IT LOOKS LIKE WE’RE HAVING A PARADE
and the king is like oh
…good

so the whole kingdom gathers around
to watch the king wave his dick at traffic
and everyone in the crowd is like OH WOW
WHAT NICE CLOTHES THE EMPEROR HAS ON
IT’S SURE GREAT NOT BEING AN UNCOOL JACKASS
OH YES CERTAINLY
and the king is like WHY ARE ALL MY SUBJECTS COOLER THAN ME
and then this little kid pops up
which
let me just say
is a TRAVESTY
like kids are generally not very cool by default
unless they wear sunglasses and smoke cigarettes
so why would you bring your kids to go see a naked old dude ride down the street in a chariot
oh yeah
probably because it’s HILARIOUS
but anyway this one kid runs right up to the emperor and he’s like YO DUDE
YOU’RE FUCKING NAKED DUDE
and the king is like WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO TALK LIKE THAT
but it’s too late for censorship
the naked cat is out of the bag
and it is in heat
and that metaphor got real gross real fast
but yeah everyone starts laughing at the king
and the fake tailors are long gone
and the king has the kid executed for embarrassing him
but it could be worse
he could’ve had a boner

so the moral of the story
is always dress in layers

THE END.

THE RING CYCLE actually sounds more like a vehicle from TRON now that I think about it

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Alright so I’m kinda cheating a little bit today
in that I am not going to write a myth
I am just posting this video myth
because I have to pack in preparation for flying back to bumfuck antarctica, Illinois
but this is a pretty sweet video though so i think it’s okay
and anyway maybe I’ll post a myth tomorrow or something
WHO KNOWS??????

I’ll tell you who knows
THE SHADOW KNOWS

The Walrus and the Carpenter are Cold-Blooded Psychopaths

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ah, the beach

the sand is sandy
the water is wet
basically
everything is doing its job
including the sun
which is doing its job a little too hard
because its shift is over and it is actually the moon’s turn
it’s night time is what I’m trying to say
it’s weird
this is a weird story

but none of this weirdness seems to bother the walrus and the carpenter
presumably because they are a walrus and a carpenter
have you seen the kind of shit carpenters get into?
the mere fact that his friend of choice is a walrus speaks volumes
anyway the only thing they’re really concerned about
is all this fucking sand
like
they’re walking down the beach like aww man
who put all this sand here
why don’t they send someone by to clean this shit up

but pretty soon they forget about the sand
because they are terrible people and they have to start doing terrible things now
so they walk up to these oysters that are hanging out in their oyster bed
and they’re like hey
oysters
wanna go for a walk?
I hear that walking is something oysters are really great at
and the oldest oyster is having none of it
this is
in fact
how he got to be the oldest oyster
but ALL THE OTHER OYSTERS are like YAYYY
WALKING
and they swarm up on the walrus like WHEEEEEE
WE ARE SO FAT AND OUT OF SHAPE AND ALSO OYSTERS
ALSO
WHY ARE WE WEARING CLOTHES
WHY ARE WE WEARING SHOES
WE DO NOT HAVE FEET
WE DON’T EVEN REALLY HAVE SKIN
WE ARE OYSTERS
but it’s okay

so after they walk for a long time
eventually the walrus and the carpenter sit their asses down on a rock
and all the oysters are like okay
we’re here
now what?
and the walrus is like WELL
(the walrus can totaly talk by the way
pretty smart walrus)
WELL
let’s just kinda hang out
talk about some shit
like shoes and boats and those weird things with the screws that you put inside shoes
are they called shoeboats?
also maybe home decorating and politics
and the oysters are like well okay
that’s sort of boring
but uh
oh shit
what’s this
(they are saying that because the walrus and the carpenter are eating them now)

yeah so these two bastards proceed to eat all their friends other than each other
with vinegar and salt and pepper and bread and butter
which means that they definitely planned for this shit
this wasn’t a spur of the moment
crime of passion kinda thing
this was premeditated oyster genocide
and then they are done
and they express some kind of token sorrow over the massacre
and then they’re like COME NOW OYSTERS
LET US HEAD BACK NOW
blatantly forgetting that they just ATE ALL THE GODDAMN OYSTERS
so i dunno
maybe they’re not straight up murderers
maybe they are just insane murderers with short term memory loss
that’s better, right?

so the moral of the story
and I’ve always said this
is that there is nothing more dangerous
than an educated walrus

THE END.

Macbeth is a Pussy

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Sup guys

today I am going to tell you a story about a guy
who sucks so bad you aren’t even allowed to say his name in theaters anymore
his name is
MACBETH

okay so Macbeth is actually pretty legit at the beginning
he is out on all the battlefields stomping faces
some dudes are standing by the battlefields like WHOA
DID YOU SEE ALL THOSE FACES MACBETH JUST STOMPED
SO MANY FACES
and then the battle is over and apparently this one Thane
which is like scottish for “super important dude”
was totally a little traitor bitch so they had to execute him
and since Macbeth stomped so many faces he gets to be the new Thane
he’s already a thane actually but now he gets to be TWO THANES

so meanwhile cut to macbeth
he doesn’t know about that shit yet
and he’s just strolling through all the faces he just stomped
along with his best bro banquo
and all of a sudden the two of them run up on some WITCHES
and they’re like WHOA
WITCHES
WHY YOU LADIES SO UGLY?
DO YOU REALIZE
YOU HAVE BEARDS?!
and the witches are like bro we have better things to do than worry about shaving
congrats on your new promotion by the way
and Macbeth is like uh what promotion
and the witches are like NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
WE HAVE PROPHECIES
PROPHECY NUMBER ONE:
MACBETH
YOU ARE GOING TO BE KING
PROPHECY NUMBER TWO:
BANQUO
YOU ARE GOING TO GET SO MURDERED DUDE
BUT YOUR KIDS ARE GONNA BE KING SO THAT’S OKAY KIND OF?
and Macbeth is like whoa
Banquo
looks like you got the short end of the murderstick buddy
hope this doesn’t cause any bad blood between us
and Banquo is like I am 100% sure that it will not
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT
then some dudes show up and tell Macbeth that he is now TWO THANES
and his mind is TOTALLY BLOWN

so pretty much the first thing Macbeth does
is he writes a letter to his wife
whose name is Lady Macbeth
which begs the question
if you name is Macbeth
why would you marry someone named Lady Macbeth
that seems like you are just ASKING for incest at that point
but anyway he writes her this letter about all the stuff with the witches
and Lady Macbeth gets it and she’s like WHOA
DUDES I AM TOTALLY GONNA BE A QUEEN UP IN HERE
BUT WAIT
my husband is ambitious and everything
but he’s WAYYYY too much of a pussy to do any serious kingmurdering
which is how I figure this whole prophecy thing is gonna get done
so okay
I’m just gonna grit my teeth
and pop a squat
and try to grow as many balls as I can before my husband gets home

so Macbeth gets home and Lady Macbeth is like HUSBAND WE MUST MURDER THE KING
and Macbeth is like whoa
whoa
where did all these balls come from
i am seriously about to trip on them this is unpleasant
and Lady Macbeth is like NO TIME FOR THAT
INVITE KING DUNCAN OVER TO OUR HOUSE FOR A SWEET PARTY
LEAVE THE MURDER PLANS TO ME
I HAVE SO MANY BALLS THEY ARE WORKING IN PARALLEL THEY ARE PLANNING SO MANY MURDERS
so Macbeth is pretty nervous about this
but he says ok
and he invites Duncan over to his place
Duncan, by the way, is not only the king
he is also related to macbeth
also since Macbeth has invited him over
he is also a guest in macbeth’s home
and normally you don’t stab your guests to death
it is just kind of not polite
so that’s three very good reasons for Macbeth NOT to murder this guy
not to mention the fact that Duncan has just made SOME OTHER DUDE his heir
some dude named Malcolm
who i think is his son?
So I’m not even sure what Macbeth expects to gain from this murder
like
is the plan to just keep murdering kings until they run out of kings
and they have to use Macbeth?
AND ON TOP OF THAT
didn’t the witches just hand him down a prophecy
that told him he was gonna become king?
like isn’t that a thing from the future that is totally guaranteed to happen?
why does he even need to murder anyone?
why doesn’t he just chill out and take a nap
and have someone wake him up when the prophecy is fulfilled?
This is like if someone prophesied that you were gonna get fifty bucks
and your response was to go outside and immediately murder someone for their wallet
or actually more like
if someone made a date with you for thursday night
but it was monday night
so you just murdered everyone else they knew
until they had no choice but to go on a date with you immediately
which is actually my dating strategy now that I think about it

but there is one simple all-consuming reason for macbeth to go through with it
which is that if he doesn’t
his wife will totally call him a pussy FOREVER
so obviously that trumps everything else
and then true to her word
Lady Macbeth comes up with a pretty okay plan
basically the plan is
Macbeth stabs Duncan in his sleep
then Lady Macbeth passes out bloody knives to all of Duncan’s sleeping guards
and then they tell everyone the guards did it
and apparently suffer from narcolepsy?
but there is sort of a hitch in the plan
which is that no sooner has Macbeth done the murder part
then these two dudes Macduff and Lennox show up at the castle
they get let in by this doorman who is just SHITFACED
seriously this dude fell off the wagon so hard he is drinking with the mole-men
waddling up to the door talking to scottish noblemen about piss and sex
it’s great
it’s the only great thing that happens to anyone in this play
but so yeah Macbeth has to go deal with Macduff and Lennox
he’s like HEY GUYS
THE KING IS SLEEPING
DON’T BELIEVE ME?
HERE LET ME SHOW YOU HIS-ohhhh snap
looks like the king got stabbed by his retainers
who then fell asleep just outside of his room
because you know
murdering is pretty tiring
I mean
so I’ve heard
LET ME JUST MURDER ALL THESE CLEARLY GUILTY GUARDS BEFORE THEY CAN WAKE UP
AND TELL ANY LIES ABOUT HOW IT WAS ME THAT DID THE STABBING OR SOMETHING
and then afterwards he feels really bad about this
because he just murdered like a dozen innocent people
but his wife is like dude chill out
just wash the blood off your hands and BAM
PROBLEM SOLVED

wait no
no no no
not problem solved
no problems are ever solved in this play
they just affix problems together using a thick mortar of MORE PROBLEMS
see, the murders do not stop with Duncan
no no no
cause right after those murders
Malcolm flips his shit and decides to run away to England
and Macbeth actually does become king by some crazy coincidence
and he just wastes absolutely no time at all
in becoming crazy paranoid about his best bro Banquo
who you may remember was prophesied to get totally murdered
and I GUESS MACBETH IS JUST GOING TO MANUALLY FULFILL ALL THE PROPHECIES NOW
jeeze
this guy has no finesse at all
but you know what they say
when the only tool you have is a hammer
everybody starts to look like a problem

so Macbeth hires some dudes to murder banquo
and they do murder banquo
but they don’t murder banquo’s son
who is prophesied to be king
and who we will never hear from again for the rest of the play
because Shakespeare is totally setting shit up for MACBETH 2:
THE SCOTTISH SLAY

but anyway yeah then Macbeth immediately goes to dinner
and I guess he forgot to cancel Banquo’s invitation to the dinner
because Banquo is TOTALLY SITTING IN MACBETH’S SEAT
talk about rude
actually it’s fine
it’s just Banquo’s ghost
Macbeth could totally just sit inside of him and no one would care
but instead he just stands in the middle of the dining room
screaming at a ghost no one else can see
and Lady Macbeth is like haha guys don’t worry about my husband
he is just under a lot of stress from all the murders he hasn’t committed
he’s been sooooooo busy not committing murders
and we’re scottish
so that’s like
hard
(PSST MACBETH CALM YOUR FUCKING TITS)
but Macbeth’s tits will not be calmed
he just goes right on screaming at that ghost
until everyone gets uncomfortable and leaves
and then Lady Macbeth is like HUSBAND
WHY MUST YOU RUIN ALL MY DINNER PARTIES WITH YOUR GUILT-INDUCED SCHIZOPHRENIA?

okay what the fuck is Lady Macbeth’s problem
we have already established that these murders are totally unnecessary
and plus there are a ton of really great reasons for not doing them
and yet this woman is basically riding her husband bareback
spurring him onwards towards basically every murder it is possible to commit
did she at some point wake up
and decide that the world was suffering from a deficit of terrible people?
does she just have a swollen bitch gland?
is she actually just two cthulus in a ladysuit?
all are plausible explanations
but none can say for sure

oh yeah and also apparently Macbeth is a TERRIBLE king
like supernaturally terrible
like so terrible that Scotland is plunged into eternal night
and the horses are all eating each other
which up until this point I thought was pretty regular for scotland
but everybody is pretty pissed about it so I dunno
and meanwhile Macbeth is pretty miserable
and his wife’s brain is slowly melting
and honestly at this point I have no idea why this guy wanted to be a king
it’s not like he’s bathing in a molten pool of gold and whores or anything
he is pretty much just wandering through a labyrinth of medieval horror
finding more and more efficient ways to hate himself

but so in order to quell his crippling paranoia
he goes and hits up those witches from earlier
because, you know
everything they’ve said so far has turned out SO GREAT
and the witches are like oh dude, don’t even worry
here
let us summon this bloodsoaked baby to tell you about how invincible you are
and the baby is like sup dude
you cannot be killed by any man who was birthed by a woman
also:
you see that forest over there?
your castle will remain blissfully unfucked until THAT forest
runs up the hill to YOUR CASTLE
and Macbeth is like BOY
THIS IS CERTAINLY REASSURING
NOT LIKE THEY COULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME I’M UNKILLABLE OR SOMETHING
WOOOOOOOOOOO
then he goes ahead and kills Macduff’s whole family for some reason
presumably because he is nervous

meanwhile in England
Malcolm is pretty pissed about the whole murder thing that Macbeth did
plus he hears that Scotland is turning into basically the shittiest place ever
so he asks the king of england if he can borrow like ten thousand dudes
and the king of england is like sure dude
I’ve got guys ALL OVER THE PLACE down here
and then Macduff shows up
because he is ALSO pissed off about the whole murder thing
specifically the whole murdering his entire family thing
and he convinces Malcolm that he wants to help him kill Macbeth
basically by helping Malcolm insult himself a whole bunch
and then the two of them grab all their dudes and march back to Scotland

BACK IN SCOTLAND:
Macbeth hears about this huge dudemarch
and he’s kinda pissed
but he’s also pretty sure he’s immortal
so he’s not too worried
except that usually when you are not too worried
you do not insist on putting on your armor WEEKS IN ADVANCE
then run around your house screaming at everyone about how unworried you are
so uh
maybe he is a little scared
also his wife dies
after spending several weeks sleepwalking
for the express purpose of telling ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN
about ALL THE MURDERS
SERIOUSLY?!
COME ON
LADY MACBETH
YOU CANNOT PUSSYWHIP YOUR IMPRESSIONABLE DOUCHEBAG HUSBAND INTO MURDERING EVERYONE
THEN TURN AROUND AND THROW HIM UNDER THE BUS
JUST BECAUSE YOU HAPPEN TO BE ASLEEP AND CRAZY
OH WHAT
YOU FEEL GUILTY NOW?
IS THAT IT?
WOMAN
FEELING GUILTY AT THIS POINT
IS LIKE TRYING TO CHOKE A BABY WITH A CONDOM
TOO LITTLE
TOO LATE
but then yeah she’s dead so that’s fine
no one even really notices because by this point all the dudes have arrived
and also Macbeth is screaming way too loud

so Malcolm and Macduff are commanding this army
and they figure that a really great strategy for hiding their numbers
is to just uproot a whole bunch of trees from a nearby forest
and hold them in front of themselves as they march up the hill to Macbeth’s castle
which is a plan taken straight out of Looney Tunes
like
seriously guys?
you expect Macbeth to look out over his ramparts
and be like oh
no worries
I was expecting ten thousand dudes
but this is just ten thousand MOVING TREES
no see what Macbeth does
is he sees these trees
and he FLIPS THE FUCK OUT
because obviously this means his castle is about to get mega invaded
but he’s like oh well
at least I’m still unkillable, right?
RIGHT GUYS?
fuck this I’m just gonna go downstairs and stab everybody

so he does
and he’s pretty much killing all the guy ever
it is a good reminder of how cool he used to be
back at the beginning of the play when he was stomping all the faces
except now the faces he is stomping
are the faces of ALL THE GOOD GUYS
until finally Macduff rolls up on him like hey man
what’s good
I have this sword and it is really heavy
can I just leave it inside your chest for a minute
and Macbeth is like HAHA DIDN’T YOU HEAR
NO MAN OF WOMAN BORN CAN SLAY MACBETH
and Macduff is like oh
well uh
do you happen to have a hundred and eighty-thousand dollars
and seven to eight years of free time?
and Macbeth is like well I am a king and I am immortal so I would say yeah
and Macduff is like good
BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO TAKE YOU TO MED SCHOOL BITCH
I WAS BORN VIA C-SECTION
WHICH MEANS NO WOMAN BIRTHED ME
WHICH MEANS I AM THE DUDE
WHO IS GOING TO BE CHAPERONING THIS ONE-MAN MURDERPROM
and Macbeth is like wait
doesn’t it still count as being of woman born
even if it was a C-section?
I mean
you came out of a woman, right?
that’s where you came from
wouldn’t it have made more sense for me to be killed by a woman
that seems a lot less open to interpretation
might have been a more satisfying resolution is all I’m saying
and Macduff is like dude
remember how we had to find a prepubescent boy to play your wife?
we’re all dudes living in Elizabethan England
we’re pretty sexist
and Macbeth is like okay fair point
and the Macduff kills him

so yayyyy
macbeth is dead
Malcolm gets to be king
and he pretty much can’t help but be a better king than Macbeth
literally all he has to do is have it not be eternal night
and maybe refrain from murdering ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE
and then the sequel Banquo’s son comes back
WITH A VENGEANCE

so the moral of the story
is if you are having a hard time securing that promotion at work
consider murder
it’s a great short term solution

THE END

Jumping Mouse Has Crazy Healing Powers

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So mice

we have them in my apartment
also my house
they eat things and it sucks
but imagine how much worse it would be if they could do this:

so one day this mouse gets fed up hearing all these fairy tales
about crazy mystical far off lands
and he’s like FUCK STORIES
I’m going to go to those far off lands MYSELF
so this mouse just picks a direction and starts walking

but almost immediately problems start happening
because like ten feet from the mouse’s house is a river
and mice suck at rivers
so he’s sitting there trying to figure out what to do
when a frog jumps out of the river like WHAT’S UP MOUUUUUSE
and the mouse is like uh
how do I cross this river?
and the frog is like oh, that’s easy
just swim
and the mouse is like oh … ok
and the frog is like why do you wanna cross the river anyway?
and the mouse is like well I am just trying to get to the magical fairytale kingdom
and the frog is like well that sounds reasonable
here:
let me give you
SUPERPOWERS
I HEREBY NAME YOU
JUMPING MOUSE
and ho-lee shit
this mouse suddenly has incredible frog jumps
superman leaps
man these are some hops you could brew beer with is what I am saying
and the mouse is like THANKS MAGIC FROG
and the frog is like HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?
ANYWAY GOOD LUCK

so jumping mouse is jumping along
and he runs up on a buffalo that is passed out in the grass
and he’s like hey buffalo
what the fuck is wrong with you
and the buffalo is like dude
I totally went blind from drinking too much
and now I am so screwed
aaaaaaa
and jumping mouse is like dude it’s okay
don’t you know that I have BASICALLY NECROMANCY POWERS?
HERE
HAVE MY EYES
and he straight gives his eyes to the buffalo
and the buffalo is like HOLY SHIT THIS WORKS SOMEHOW
SORRY YOU’RE BLIND NOW LITTLE DUDE
LET ME GIVE YOU A RIDE TO THE MOUNTAINS
I WILL PROTECT YOU FROM EAGLES
WHICH ARE THE GREATEST DANGER TO TRAVELING MICE
NOT THAT THERE ARE REALLY A LOT OF TRAVELING MICE
BUT WHATEVER DUDE
TRUST ME ON THIS ONE
so that is what the buffalo does
but then it turns out buffalos are useless and can’t climb mountains
so jumping mouse is left to crawl blindly up the rest of the way
and halfway up he just runs STRAIGHT INTO A WOLF
and instead of eating him
like a REAL WOLF
the wolf is like BOO HOO HOO I LOST MY SENSE OF SMELL
and jumping mouse is like oh no problem dude
HAVE MINE
and the wolf is so grateful
that he CONTINUES TO FAIL TO EAT JUMPING MOUSE
and in fact gives him a ride to the bottom of the mountain
protecting him from terrifying eagles the entire way
not that jumping mouse can even really tell at this point
because he is BLIND AND CANNOT SMELL

so he’s down in the valley
which turns out to be the magic fairy kingdom lands
and suddenly he hears this creepy voice up in his ear
like congratulations jumping mouse
it is i
magic frog
apparently I knew a faster way to get here the whole time
but enough about me
it is time for you to JUMP JUMP JUMP
and jumping mouse is like seriously dude?
I am kind of mourning the loss of about half my senses
and the frog is like YOU ARE FORGETTING ABOUT THE SIXTH SENSE:
JUMPING
and so jumping mouse starts jumping
and then all of a sudden his arms turn into wings
and his sight comes back
and also his smell
and he is just soaring all the fuck over everywhere
and the frog is like CONGRATULATIONS JUMPING MOUSE
IN RETURN FOR YOUR GENEROSITY
YOU GET TO BE AN EAGLE
and Jumping Mouse is like whoa
i should probably get a different name huh?

So the moral of the story
is give away all your organs
and you can BECOME YOUR GREATEST ENEMY

The end

The Wizard of Oz is an Exercise in Futility

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So Dorothy

She’s real bored
and she lives in a monochromatic version of Kansas
Her last name is Gale
This is what is known as foreshadowing
because pretty much immediately this storm starts happening
as storms tend to do in Kansas
it rips up all the animals and kills her family
and then tears her house out of the ground and throws witches at it until it crashes
and then Dorothy wakes up and walks outside into a TECHNICOLOR WONDERLAND
this wonderland is full of midgets
and Dorothy has inadvertently murdered an old woman
whose shoes she is encouraged to steal
and this is all pretty disconcerting
so she asks the midgets if they know how to get back to Kansas
and they’re like OH SURE
JUST WALK ON THIS ROAD MADE OUT OF YELLOW BRICKS
and Dorothy is like oh well that’s convenient
does it lead back to Kansas?
and they’re like NOPE
IT LEADS TO A HUGE EMERALD CASTLE
OWNED BY A SHADY-ASS WIZARD
WHO WILL PROBABLY FIGURE OUT SOME WAY TO TELEPORT YOU HOME OR SOMETHING
SORRY
THAT IS THE BEST WE’VE GOT
WE ARE A COMMUNITY OF BLUE MIDGETS WITH A GOVERNMENT THAT INCLUDES A LOLLIPOP GUILD
WE ARE NOT EXPERT CIVIL ENGINEERS

so since she pretty much has no other option
Dorothy sucks it up and starts walking down this crazy road
oh, also there is a good witch that blesses her or something?
whatever
anyway, pretty soon she runs into this scarecrow
who is REALLY BAD AT GIVING DIRECTIONS
and also can talk
and is severely depressed because he has no brain
although how is that possible
and also
HOLY SHIT A TALKING SCARECROW
jesus
anyway he agrees to come with Dorothy to see the wizard
because if the wizard has teleportation powers
he probably also has brain-transplanting powers
so they walk for a while
and the conversation kinda drags a little because hey
no brain

so they keep walking and pretty soon they run into this robot
the robot is rusted real bad
so he can’t move basically at all
but there’s some oil nearby
which they apply to the robot
and then the robot wakes up like HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AN UNSPEAKABLE HELL
I WAS THERE FOR LIKE 11 MILLION YEARS
AN EXPERIENCE LIKE THIS IS ENOUGH TO COMPLETELY DEVOUR ALL OF A MAN’S COMPASSION
AND I’M NOT EVEN A MAN
I DIDN’T HAVE COMPASSION TO BEGIN WITH
SO NOW I HAVE LIKE
NEGATIVE COMPASSION
I EXIST ONLY AS AN INSTRUMENT OF PURE UNBLINKING HATRED
I AM A TOOL OF A COLD STEEL SATAN IN A TITANIUM HELL
and Dorothy is like holy shit dude
you better come with us and see if the wizard can give you a heart or something
and the tin man is like GOOD
I DEVOUR HEARTS

so they roll out
and pretty soon they are passing through some spooky woods
and BAM
here comes a lion
except bam is not a sound lions make
more like GRUUUUARGH
except more like OH SHIT I AM ACTUALLY REALLY AFRAID RIGHT NOWWWWWW
because this is no ordinary lion
this is a lion with PTSD
i mean if you think about it
lions see some pretty fucked up shit
sometimes the lions are the ones DOING the fucked up shit
which is probably even worse
so this lion is a shell-shocked wreck
he basically lunges into the clearing just in time to start pissing himself
and Dorothea is like uh ok eww
um
we’re going to a wizard?
maybe he can give you some balls?
and the lion is like I WILL GO WHEREVER YOU SAY JUST PLEASE DON’T HURT ME

so now dorothea’s rolling along with a lobotomy patient, a sociopath and a lion
and also some jerk witch has been fucking with them this whole time
like setting them on fire and laughing her dumb witch laugh
and peering at them through her crystal ball like that evil chick from Power Rangers
until finally she just says fuck it
and just kidnaps everyone with flying monkeys
or maybe she steals something later in the story and they have to go get it?
I forget
the book and the movie are wildly different on this point
and then someone wrote another book that was like
despicable pro-witch propaganda or some shit
further confusing the point
which is
that Dorothea straight handles with witch
by like filling up a bathtub
but then fucking up while she’s filling it
and accidentally splashing water on the witch
because I guess she’s working for the witch or something?
and then the witch melts
because apparently she is made of cotton candy
which i suppose is a point in favor of her not being evil
but also raises the question:
HOW DID SHE LIVE THIS LONG????
1) Water is literally EVERYWHERE
2) Cotton candy is DELICIOUS
but anyway she’s dead now
we can get back to the story

SO THEY GET BACK ON THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD
and pretty soon they are in this big field full of poppies
which are famous for their super delicious opium
and they are like wading through these poppies
and just getting SO FUCKED UP
except just Dorothea and the lion
the Tin man and the scarecrow are constructs with no soul
plus they party harder than pretty much any living creature
so they are more or less unfazed
and they end up getting saddled with the task
of dragging Dorothea’s sweet zonked-out ass to safety
AND THEN THEY GET TO THAT EMERALD PLACE

so the emerald city is pretty sweet
it’s got like rainbow horses and more midgets and expert hair stylists
and also
THIS WIZARD THEY’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR
but it turns out this wizard is just a giant green head projected on some crystals
so basically like Zordon from the power rangers
in fact I’m pretty sure this story is just a cover of the power rangers
but anyway then it turns out he’s not even THAT
like, he’s being all snarky with his giant head
and then they run up and break his crystals and shit
and it turns out he’s just some balding motherfucker in a sound booth
pulling levers and shooting out flares and yelling about how great he is
and they’re like aww man
talk about disappointing
and the guy is like no, no, no
it’s totally cool guys
I can definitely solve all your problems
you
Scarecrow:
you are a scarecrow
you are not supposed to have a brain
that would be weird
and in fact
the fact that you walked all the way here
and are capable of making any semblance of conversation
is pretty remarkable/terrifying on its own
so I think you’re coming out ahead of the game
and you
Lion:
DRUG THERAPY!
and you
Tin Man:
you are a horrifying monstrosity of modern engineering
uh
you can kill all my midgets
I’m about to skip out of town anyway
on this hot air balloon I have
which I guess solves Dorothea’s problem
because we are about to totally balloon our way out of this technicolor crazyland

so they get on the balloon
or rather
the dude gets on the balloon
but he sucks at balloons
so Dorothea gets totally left behind
and she’s like aw fuck
now what
and the midgets
(at least the ones the tin man has not already destroyed)
are like HEY REMEMBER THAT GOOD FAIRY WITCH FROM THE BEGINNING
YOU SHOULD ASK HER
and so the good witch appears
and Dorothea is like sup witch
and the witch is like hey so remember those shoes you stole way back at the beginning
those are teleport shoes
they will teleport you to your house
and Dorothea is like SERIOUSLY?
YOU’RE TELLING ME I BUSTED MY ASS FOR LIKE WEEKS
MELTED A WITCH
GOT FUCKED UP ON OPIUM AND SET ON FIRE AND MOLESTED BY MONKEYS
TO SHOW UP AT A DRUNK WIZARD’S HOUSE AND WATCH HIM DESERT ME IN A HOT AIR BALLOON
ALL SO THAT YOU COULD SHOW UP AT THE LAST MINUTE
WITH YOUR FANCY PRANCY HOOP SKIRT
AND TELL ME THE POWER WAS INSIDE MY FUCKING SHOES THIS WHOLE TIME?
WHAT IF MY SHOES BROKE
WHAT IF I TRADED THEM IN FOR MORE COMFORTABLE SHOES
THESE ARE HIGH HEELS
MADE OF RUBIES
MY FEET ARE BASICALLY JUST GIANT BLISTERS AT THIS POINT
okay
whatever
I’m going home
and then she does
and her family is probably still dead
but at least she got to get fucked up on opium

so the moral of the story
is before you set off on any epic and dangerous journeys
probably check your shoes

THE END.

Hans-My-Hedgehog is Just Some Dude’s Crazy Acid Trip

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Hey guys
I know I have been slacking recently on site maintenance stuff
like specifically
I have not updated the smorgasbord in FOREVER
I have been busy getting laid or sleeping or something
look the point is that I will update that thing soon
like, TOMORROW

but so anyway
this gently vibrating pile of crazy comes courtesy of fierce culinary Majordomo
Col. Freddy “Eviscerlicious” Cannonfried
it is about uh
well
yes.

So there’s this farmer
his life is pretty okay
pretty standard farmer’s life
except for one problem
this guy’s dick don’t work
he cannot have kids FOR THE LIFE OF HIM
and every time he goes into town to buy shit or sell shit
all the other farmers are like HEY
IT’S SERGEANT DICK-DON’T-WORK REPORTING FOR DUTY
HEY SERGEANT
HEARD YOUR SERVICE RIFLE MIGHT BE A LITTLE FLOPPY
EH?
GET IT?
CAUSE YOUR DICK DON’T WORK?
SEE, BY SERVICE RIFLE WE MEANT YOUR PENIS
and obviously sergeant dick-don’t-work gets sick of this shit pretty fast

so one day he arrives home after a barrage of this shit
and he’s like OKAY
I AM GOING TO HAVE A KID
I DON’T EVEN CARE WHAT KIND OF KID
IT COULD BE A HEDGEHOG FOR ALL I CARE
and the NEXT FUCKING DAY his wife is pregnant
and then nine months later she gives birth to a fucking HEDGEHOG MINOTAUR
by which i mean a half-hedgehog half-human
everyone is pretty freaked out by the baby obviously
especially the mom
who just had to push this spiny monstrosity out her babyhole
and she’s like what did you do, husband?
how many times do I have to tell you
WE LIVE IN FAIRYTALE LAND
STUPID WISHES LIKE THAT COME TRUE ON A REGULAR BASIS
and sgt dick-don’t-work is like no honey it’s fine
we’ll just get him baptized and then hide him behind our stove for 8 years
SO THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY DO

so after 8 years of being stashed behind a cast iron box that shits fire
this hedgehog is pretty tough
also magical
so it is no suprise when he suddenly asks his father for bagpipes
wait, what?
first of all
what?
and second of all
I thought this was a german fairytale
what are bagpipes doing in here?
but anyway he says that if his dad buys him some bagpipes
and also puts horseshoes on this rooster he apparently owns
he will ride away on the rooster and never come back
and his dad is like NICE
WE WERE TOTALLY THINKING ABOUT USING THAT SPACE BEHIND THE STOVE FOR STORAGE
HERE’S AN INSTRUMENT AND SOME WEIRD HORSESHOES
NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE

so the hedgehog dude gets the fuck out of the house
actually he is named Hans-My-Hedgehog
because apparently that is the ONLY NAME HE IS ALLOWED TO HAVE BY LAW
they can’t just call him hedgehog
or mittens
no, no
ONLY THE NAME WITH ALL THE HYPHENS
but fuck that
this dude will be referred to as SONIC

so Sonic goes into the woods
with some pigs and some donkeys
and he flies up into a tree with his rooster
and he just sits down
and stares at those pigs and donkeys
FOR SEVERAL YEARS
until they all start fucking and breeding more pigs and donkeys
and meanwhile some local king gets lost in the woods
and he hears some beautiful bagpipe music
and he finds Sonic sitting pretty up in his tree
and he’s like HELLO MAGICAL HEDGEHOG MUSIC MAN
and Sonic is like YO, CROWN DUDE
and the king is like I WONDER IF YOU COULD DIRECT ME TO MY CASTLE
and Sonic is like yeah sure
i know where all that kind of shit is
but it’s gonna cost you
I want a written agreement
that says I get whatever greets you first when you get home
and the king is like hahaha what a douchebag
hedgehogs can’t read
so he says oh yeah, sure man
I totally agree to that
lemme just write it down right here…
and he just writes TITS TITS TITS TITS TITS all over the piece of paper
and signs it
and Sonic leads him home and he feels pretty good about himself
then his daughter turns out to be the first person/thing to greet him
PREDICTABLY
and he’s like haha that hedgehog guy wanted to bang you
but I TOTALLY tricked him and now it’s fine
TOTALLY FINE FOREVER

MEANWHILE
Sonic is back in his tree
playing the bagpipes and watching pigs fuck
classy times all around
when ANOTHER king comes stumbling into his woods
WOODS:
CAN’T FIND YOUR KING?
PROBABLY HE JUST SUCKS AT HIKING
and this other king sees Sonic and he’s like WHOA
CRAZY HEDGEHOG MUSIC GUY
and the whole scenario plays out almost exactly like before
except instead of trying to screw over sonic
the king just flat out agrees to the terms
and is really cool about the whole thing
even when it turns out he’s gonna have to marry his daughter
to a furry

but so several weeks pass
and at this point Sonic has so many pigs that they have FILLED THE ENTIRE FOREST
YEAH
LOTS
so he takes them all and he herds them all to his dad’s house
like
all eight billion pigs
and he’s like HEY DAD
COME SLAUGHTER THIS CLUSTERFUCK OF PIGS WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS
I HAVE RETURNED HOME
and his dad is like how about you return to my ballsack
oh shit I didn’t mean that to sound weird
I meant I wish you’d never been born
and Sonic is like hey dad
that’s totally cool
we all have our problems in life
your dick don’t work
I am a magic talking hedgehog child
let’s put our differences behind us like adults
and then you can go about putting horseshoes on my rooster again
and then once you do that
you don’t have to see me ever again if you don’t want
and his dad is like NIIIICE.

so then Sonic goes around to collect his booty
and he shows up at King 1’s place
but the king has ordered all his guards to just kill Sonic on sight
because the king is the type of king who likes to hoard sexy daughters
and a mutant hedgehog suitor kind of throws a wrench in that plan
but Sonic just runs REALLY FAST or something
and then flies his rooster up to the king’s window like YO
GIRL OR DEATH
and the king is like OKAY FINE TAKE THE GIRL JUST PLEASE DON’T HURT ME
so Sonic takes the girl
flies away on his rooster
then when they get a couple miles away
he proceeds to STRIP HER NAKED AND STAB HER WITH HIS SPINES
like THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING THE DAUGHTER OF A TOTAL JERK
then he leaves her in the middle of nowhere
and goes to the palace of King 2

so King 2
like i said
is WAYYY less of a jerk than king 1
he told all his guys to open the doors for Sonic
and give him food and whatnot
and also marry him to the princess
even though no one but Sonic is happy about this
but whatever
the wedding happens anyway
out of a perverted sense of duty or something
and the chick is totally freaked out by the SHARP SPIKES ALL OVER SONIC’S BODY
but it’s okay
because what he does
is before they do the nasty on their wedding night
he just RIPS OFF HIS SKIN
HAS FOUR DUDES THROW IT INTO A FIRE
AND THEN HE TURNS HUMAN
WAIT
WHY DID HE NOT DO THIS BEFORE
DID HE ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THIS OR IS THIS A NEW THING
WHAT THE FUCK SONIC
I USED TO GET MY LIFE ADVICE FROM YOU ON THE TELEVISION

so then he’s human suddenly
but also his skin is TOTALLY BLACK
and the king is like oh shit
if there’s one thing worse than my daughter marrying a hedgehog
it’s her marrying a BLACK MAN
so he sends for all his physicians
and they use doctor magic to turn him white
and then he and his wife live happily ever after
and he even comes by his dad’s house once to totally show off his sexy new face
and his dad is actually pleased
and for the first time ever
he is happy that he has a son

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is if you ever go walking in the woods
bring a compass
anyone you ask for directions is going to end up marrying your daughter
then tearing off his own face and setting it on fire
happy trails!

THE END.

Inanna Goes Through a Lot Of Effort To Visit Relatives

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A fellow named Huge Dickheart told me about this myth

Okay so Inanna is the Sumerian goddess of sexytimes pretty much
and one day she decides she’s gonna go down to hell to see her sister Ereshkigal
who is sort of the queen of hell or something
as a side note, Sumerian hell SUCKS
because basically how it is
is everyone that goes to it just has to live in a dreary clusterfuck of gloom
FOREVER
REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY DID DURING THEIR LIVES
like GREAT JOB PILING UP ALL THAT VIRTUE ASSHOLE
NOW IT IS TIME TO LANGUISH IN THE EMOPIT
the only thing you can even do to slightly mitigate your suffering
is make sacrifices to the dead while you are alive
although it is not clear whether the dead actually receive these sacrifices
or whether they are embezzled by hell’s shoddy management
man it is like a third world country down there let me tell you

so all of these factors work together
to make Inanna’s visit to hell TOTALLY INEXPLICABLE
in fact it is so inexplicable that even SHE cannot explain it
like one of the hell guards is like hey sexy lady
what’s a fine slice of butt like yourself doing in a place like this
and Inanna is like uhh
going to the funeral of my sister’s husband
I think his name is Gud-Gal-Ana?
The bull of heaven that Gilgamesh and Enkidu killed in that other story?
EXCEPT HERE’S THE THING GUYS
GUD GAL ANA IS NOT EVEN ERESHKIGAL’S HUSBAND
ERESHKIGAL IS ACTUALLY MARRIED TO THE PLAGUE GOD NURGAL
which is WAYYY worse for Ereshkigal
but also goes to show
that Inanna has NO FUCKING IDEA what she is doing down here
she clearly does not keep in touch with her sister or know anything about her life
plus she shows up to the gates of hell wearing ALL OF THE BLING
like a sparkly dress
and some kind of rhinestone thong
and a tape measure made of precious gems I think?
basically every single thing you can have or wear
that is in no way appropriate for a funeral

so naturally the guard at the gates of hell is mega suspicious
and he’s like hey
I’ll let you in to hell, sure
but you gotta give me that sweet tape measure you got there
and Inanna is like what
why?
and he’s like I dunno girl
that’s just the way shit goes down here in hell
SEE
WHAT DID I TELL YOU
HELL:
TOTALLY A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY

so Inanna gives this dude her ruler
and then goes down into hell
but it’s not long before she runs into ANOTHER gate
with ANOTHER guard
and that guard is like “gimme your dress”
and she does
and then the next guard is like “gimme your pants”
and she does
and this happens SEVEN TIMES
until Inanna is TOTALLY NUDE
and she is down in the inner sanctum
and Ereshkigal is like sup sis

so Inanna is like hey sis how’s it going
just wanted to drop by and see how you’re doing
and Ereshkigal is like seriously?
bitch you did not even remember my husband’s NAME
I am disinclined to believe you give two soggy shits about how I’m doing
plus you just came down to hell
and we have kind of a reputation down here that we need to uphold
vis a vis no one ever leaving
so guess what?
YOU’RE DEAD NOW
and Inanna is like AW FUCK

but luckily for Inanna she kinda saw this coming
and she had one of her servants go around petitioning all the gods
like hey Inanna is about to do something dumb
wanna bail her out when she inevitably fucks up?
and most of the gods are like uhhhh no
but Enki
who also features prominently in Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson
is like SURE
I WILL SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS
so he makes these two robots out of the dirt under the other gods’ fingernails
(some pretty grody gods, I guess)
and he sends them down to hell to go rescue Inanna
but when they get down there Ereshkigal is TOTALLY PREGNANT
and she is on the floor in labor and she is like GUYSSSS
HELP ME OUT HERE
I WILL TOTALLY HOOK YOU UP WITH ALL KINDS OF SWEET REWARDS
but they are robots and they cannot feel emotions
so they just take Inanna’s corpse out of hell and beep beep boop their way home

but see some demons follow them out of hell
they’re like hey
due to the alchemical law of equivalent exchange
you can’t have Inanna back without trading in a body of greater or equal value
so the robots and the demons go all over the place shopping for bodies
the first person they see is Inanna’s servant
and Inanna is like nope
don’t take her
she’s too loyal
YEAH
APPARENTLY INANNA CAN TALK?
I REALLY CANNOT FIGURE OUT IF SHE’S DEAD OR NOT
and then they come across Inanna’s hairdresser
who is still in mourning
and Inanna is like AW HELL NO WHO IS GONNA DO MY HIGHLIGHTS THEN
so finally they come across Inanna’s husband
who is just having a nap under a tree and minding his own business
and Inanna is like HOW DARE MY HUSBAND NOT MOURN FOR MY STUPID DECISIONS
DEMONS
KILLLL HIMMMM
so the demons drag her husband screaming into hell
and then her husband’s sister gets mad
and strikes up a deal wherein she spends half the year in hell
instead of her bro
and he spends the other half of the year in hell
and then for some reason Inanna starts to regret her dumb decision
so whenever her husband is in hell she spends all her time mourning
and since she is also the god of fertility
the results are very similar to the end of the story of persephone
to wit: WINTER
GREAT

so the moral of the story
is try to remember the names of your siblings’ spouses
otherwise they will strip you naked and imprison you in hell

THE END.