Tolkien’s Elves are So Dang Highschool

okay so when last we left our heroes
(man I am never going to get used to using the word “heroes”
to describe elves
it’s like using the word “food”
to describe anything that is not pizza)
they were dealing with a series of excruciating hundred-year truces
during which they had to suffer through unprecedented periods of peace and prosperity
and Morgoth had them in the palm of his gnarled hand
due to his brilliant strategy
of only attacking sporadically and with inferior forces
oh and also
two dudes had dreams and decided to build secret forts

So one of these dudes is called Finrod
he builds an enormous man-cave for all his bros
the other dude is named Turgon
and he builds a
well uh
it’s a little more complicated

so basically Ulmo tells Turgon that there’s this secret garden on top of a mountain
that is only accessible by going inside the mountain
using a tunnel caused by erosion from a river
which Ulmo makes behave so Turgon can go in
and the top of the hill where the garden is
is perfectly flat and stable
because it used to be a lake basin
except wait
it USED to be a lake basin?
so where is the water coming from that made the tunnel Turgon uses?
is this water flowing uphill?
also, where did the water from the lake go?
did it flow downhill somewhere?
if so, why didn’t that water make a canyon
thus rendering this inaccessible mountain retreat accessible?

okay I know what you’re thinking
“Ovid, this is a work of fantasy
you don’t gotta flip your shit over every boring detail”
EXCEPT GUYS
YOU ARE FORGETTING
THAT J.R.R. TOLKIEN IS A DUDE WHO DEDICATES A HUNDRED AND FIFTY PAGES
OUT OF A FOUR HUNDRED FIFTY PAGE BOOK
TO LISTING DUDE’S NAMES IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER
AND DEFINING THE ELVISH WORD FOR “NICE HAIR”
DUDE IS DETAIL ORIENTED
maybe i just misunderstood the geography though
that’s also possible

anyway Turgon builds a big fancy city up in them mountains
and then he goes there with all his dudes
and it turns out that all his dudes comprise about a THIRD OF THE ENTIRE NOLDOR
DUDE
THEY WERE USING THOSE GUYS TO FIGHT MORGOTH
but Ulmo is pleased as shit about this mass desertion
he’s like hey Turgon
your stronghold is gonna last like forever buddy
or at least it’s gonna be the last thing to go down when Morgoth starts burning shit
but lemme lay a prophecy on you:
eventually shit is gonna suck
and then a dude is gonna come and tell you how to fix it
so what I need you to do
is leave a special sword and some special armor in a special house
so that special dude can find it at a special time
and you will know who he is
here is a list of measurements for the armor
and Turgon is like dude
if you know this guy’s measurements why don’t you just describe him to me
and I’ll be sure to know who he is without all this armor bullshit
and Ulmo is like I AM THE LORD OF THE WATERS
and then he turns into mist and goes to hang out in a girl’s locker room or something

meanwhile, this chick Galadriel
(who is Fingon {the cave guy}’s sister)
is chilling with Melian
(who is the wife of Thingol
who rules over Beleriand
Which is the place the Noldor just randomly showed up in
on their way to find the Silmarils
which were made by Feanor
And then stolen by Morgoth
Who at the time was known as Melkor
And was originally one of the Valar
And all of them have names, too!)
and Melian and Galadriel are just shooting the shit
when suddenly Melian is like hey
we’ve talked a lot about Valinor, where you guys all used to live
but i feel like you guys aren’t telling us something
like about why you got kicked out?
and Galadriel is like oh uh
well
we didn’t get kicked out actually
we left of our own free will cuz Feanor’s dumb
and also because we are dumb enough to consider the Silmarils valuable
and Melian is like wait wait wait
are you saying the Noldor didn’t arrive here to save us from Morgoth’s first attack?
We totally thought that’s why you guys were here!
and Galadriel is like uh
well I mean that was a nice bonus, certainly
but we’re really just here for the bling.

So Melian is understandably pretty pissed
and she still thinks Galadriel is holding out, information-wise
and she totally is, because she managed to leave out the part
about how Feanor and his bros murdered a bunch of dudes and stole their ships
but Galadriel refuses to talk any more shit
so Melian just goes and tells her husband Thingol what she knows
and Thingol is like what the shit
what the unbelievable shit
I was already pissed off about these fancy high elves shitting up my countryside
but this is just too much
and then somebody else walks in
like hey has anyone told you guys about how Feanor murdered all those elves for their ships yet?
cause he totally did
that’s prolly something you should know
and suddenly the atmosphere in the room is REAL tense
because it turns out that Thingol has been in a meeting with some of the Noldor
THIS WHOLE TIME
so they’re all sitting there like uhhh
sorry?
and Thingol is like SORRY ISN’T GONNA CUT IT GUYS
YOU MURDERED DUDES FOR BOATS
FOR BOATS, GUYS
YOU CAN BUY THOSE
and then one of the Noldor who didn’t murder any guys is like HEY
WE’RE NOT ALL BOAT-OBSESSED MURDER ENGINES, OKAY?
SOME OF US ARE ALRIGHT DUDES
and Thingol is like OKAY I BELIEVE THAT
BUT WE’RE ALL SHOUTING SO MUCH THAT I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO DO SOMETHING RASH
SO HOW ABOUT THIS:
FROM NOW ON NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SPEAK NOLDOR-ESE I MY KINGDOM
OR ELSE THEY GET BANISHED
and all the Noldor are like Ah jeeze now we gotta learn another language
but they deal with it because whatever, that’s not really that big a deal

MEANWHILE
Fingon is down in his man-cave
and so naturally he has no wife with him
and Galadriel comes to visit
because Galadriel just goes around visiting everyone apparently
and she’s like hey dude
why no wife?
and he’s about to say “man, I dunno”
but instead he’s all of a sudden just like
BECAUSE I AM GOING TO SWEAR AN OATH AND THEN DIE HORRIBLY AND LEAVE NOTHING FOR MY CHILDREN TO INHERIT
and Galadriel is like oooookayyyyy
and Fingon is like oh shit what did I say
I hope it wasn’t a prophecy or anything

so the moral of the story
is that elves
are all gossipy bitches

NOT THE ENNNDDDDD

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The War With Morgoth Is Slow As Molasses-Soaked Balls

doing this shit twice in a row
cuz I didn’t do it at all for a while
and because i stopped in the middle of a chapter
because the chapter was long
because NAMES
anyway look:

so Maedhros gets brought back to the other elves by Fingon
and he goes to all of Feanor’s old dudes
(not old as in wizened and crotchety
but old as in Feanor’s dead now
so they can’t be his dudes anymore now can they)
and Maedhros is like ok guys
I know there has been some bad blood between us
or more accurately some bad set-on-fire ships
and then some really bad death-march-through-ice-covered-wilderness
but seeing as we are camped like ten yards from Morgoth’s front door
maybe we should go back to being bros?
in the interest of that
i’m gonna go ahead and say that I am not king of the noldor
even though I’m Feanor’s oldest son
instead I think the king should be Fingolfin
you know, the guy who lead half our army through a raging shitblizzard just to get here
also have you seen Fingolfin’s hair, you guys?
dudes
there is a reason his name has the word hair in it TWICE
this bro has some luscious lady locks
some luxurious scalp-pubes
some A+ skull-fuzz, ok
and that shit is important to us because we’re elves

so but like some of Feanor’s sons are not down with this hair-based anti-nepotism
specifically this dude Caranthir
ok so
if you notice as the story goes on
that one of the elves is being a dick
you should probably assume it’s Caranthir
because he has basically taken over responsibility for being a dick
now that Feanor is dead
and it gets worse
cause now that all these Noldor are up in the North
they need a place to crash
and the best place they know is this dude Thingol’s house
you remember Thingol, right?
he’s the dude who was going to lead his army to Valinor
but was too busy getting laid to actually get on the boat

and honestly that whole thing has worked out pretty well for him so far
he has a whole kingdom of happy dudes working for him
and a hot wife
and an awesome cave fortress
except now here come all these rough and rowdy god-elves tryna take his shit

so he calls up Fingolfin and his bros
because he trusts them more for some reason
and he’s like ok guys
I know you’re family and all
technically we’re all family I think
which always makes sex really weird
but my point is
I don’t have couch space for your whole frikkin army
you gotta go out in the countryside and hang out there
because I’m not about to have you dirty western elves coming over here
takin our jobs
diddling our hot wives
none o’ that
no no no

so Fingolfin goes back to the other elves like alright guys
this kind of sucks I know
but It IS kind of rude that we just showed up and wanted to live in his house
and Caranthir recognizes that this is a good opportunity to be a dick
so he’s like NO FUCK THAT
WE SHOULD KICK THE CRAP OUT OF HIM AND TAKE HIS LAND
but Maedhros is like no dude shhh
don’t do that right now
do it later when it will REALLY fuck all of us over
and Caranthir is like Ok that’s fair
and then he goes and meets up with some dwarves
(cause oh yeah, the dwarves woke up)
and gets rich as fuck by trading with them
even though he is a big racist and thinks they’re gross

oh and while this is happening, Finrod and this other dude are out in the woods
and they fall asleep and Ulmo the water guy gets up in their dreams
all like DOOM DOOM DOOM GUYS
and they wake up like oh shit
we gotta build us some fortresses
but instead of letting each other know about their dreams
and maybe helping each other out
they tell each other NOTHING and TOTALLY SPLIT UP
and Finrod decides to build some sweet caves just like where Thingol lives
so he goes to thingol like yo dude do you know some caves
and Thingol is like yeah you know it
so then Finrod builds a place in some caves
and the dwarves help him
like basically for free
and on top of that they make him a powerful magical necklace
the magic makes it super light
and it always sits perfectly on the wearer’s neck

WAIT
HOLD ON
WHY IS IT THAT ALL THE MAGIC ITEMS IN MIDDLE EARTH FUCKING SUUUUUUCK
you’ve got the silmarils, right
which are basically just ultra-shiny jewels
and you’ve got this necklace
which is like the most powerful thing since forever
and all it does is refuse to flop around when you’re wearing it
let’s take a trip over to Norse mythology for a second shall we
where the least useful thing anyone has ever made
is a golden ring
that SHITS OUT IDENTICAL GOLDEN RINGS ALL THE TIME
anyway Finrod wears his pretty pretty necklace
and is pretty as fuck for however long, I don’t even care
oh also the other guy builds a fortress on a mountain
Ulmo tells him where to go eventually, because that guy was being slow

meanwhile, morgoth is doing
… nothing?
for real guys
like fifty years pass
and all Morgoth does is make ONE ATTACK that no one is expecting
and even though no one is expecting it
they totally ruin his shit
and set up a big siege around his fortress in Angband
but they can’t get in because mountains
and so hey, more peace!
except Morgoth never really stops sending out little groups of dudes for the elves to kill
he seems to love getting his dudes slaughtered
but finally he figures out that his orcs really suck at killing elves
which leads to him starting what is basically the cold war
i mean the war was pretty damn cold to start with
seeing as it takes place in the north first of all
and second of all they’ve fought like two battles in like A HUNDRED YEARS
but I just report the facts, ladies and gentlemen
and the facts are that the elves stay camped outside Angband for like another hundred years
waiting for Morgoth to invent dragons

so finally he does
but one of these dragons is way too eager
and it’s still just a little fire-breathing baby when it launches out of Angband
pissing brimstone and laughing
and Fingon stabs it a bunch and it gets sad and goes home
and everyone is like yayyy we’re saved
when what they should be saying is oh shiiit dragons
then no one fights anyone for ANOTHER 200 YEARS

so the moral of the story is
i guess you’re a lot more reluctant to fight ceaseless wars
when you have infinite lifespans
except wait, no, fuck that
the norse proved that one wrong as well

(NOT) THE END

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J.R.R. Tolkein is a Goddamn Copy-Catter

fuck guys
fine
i get it
you want more Silmarillion
or if you don’t
you didn’t express your opinion loud enough
welcome to the internet
you have wandered into one of the bad parts

so when last we left our heroes
Feanor was burning bridges with the other half of his family
and by bridges i mean boats
and by burning
i mean actually fucking burning
he burned his boats
with fire
for real
what the perfect fuck
guys
you know what I want
more than almost everything else in the world besides infinite blowjobs?
A MOTHERFUCKING BOAT
and this dude is just setting them on fire for laffs
like i get it dude
you don’t want to give your bro Fingolfin a ride over to your side of ice hell
but you could just
you know
NOT GIVE HIM A RIDE
you don’t have to set fire to a bunch of perfectly good boats
god

anyway then Feanor is like EXCELLENT
THOSE PUSS-CLOWNS WERE THE ONLY THING STOPPING ME FROM ACHIEVING MY GOAL:
AN ALL-OUT ASSAULT ON MORGOTH’S IMPREGNABLE STRONGHOLD
WITH ONLY HALF OF OUR TOTAL FORCES
then he unleashes his fearsome war cry
which if you haven’t guessed by now
sounds like this:
DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

so he gets his ass handed to him
his literal ass gets literally handed to him
like a balrog lops it off with one of those crazy fire whips
and is like here dude
you seem to have dropped this
maybe because you were so distracted by all those mortal wounds you have
anyway have fun dying
and Feanor is like NO
and then he dies
but not before he makes all his sons swear to continue his dumb quest forever
because heaven forbid we let Morgoth have some fuckin shiny jewels or whatever
also when Feanor dies
he is so full of rage that his corpse seriously catches on fire and burns to cinders
so that part is rad at least

but then Morgoth sends a messenger like “hey guys, truce?”
and they’re all like haha we’ll totally bring a bigass army to the truce and fuck up Morgoth’s shit
but it turns out Morgoth was planning to do the EXACT SAME THING
only he betrays them harder than they betray him
because that’s what he do
and he ends up killing the whole ambush party and taking this dude Maedhros hostage
and hanging him from a rock
then all Feanor’s sons are like shit
maybe we should chill out for a while

meanwhile, Fingolfin and co are chilling out in a more literal way
they have made it across the gigantic hockey field of pain that is the northern passage
and they are searching for Feanor so they can fuck
shit
up
but then they get there and Feanor is dead
and Maedhros is captured
so instead of immediately killing each other
they kinda set up camp next to each other and it’s super awkward
and it’s at this point that Morgoth decides to fuck environmental regulations
and just start polluting like a mofo
so the sun is all blotted out
and dudes are miserable

Enter Fingon
Fingon feels like shit
because everyone’s fighting and he’s a wuss who doesn’t like fighting
so without consulting anyone
he decides to go rescue Maedhros
(Maedhros is one of Feanor’s sons, and Fingon is one of Fingolfin’s)
so he sneaks into Morgoth’s house to go get Maedhros
but he can’t find Maedhros cause Morgoth is not a dumbass who just leaves prisoners lying around
so basically what he does
is he hunkers down in a hidden crevice in Morgoth’s mountain fortress
and he dusts off his best singin’ voice
and he’s like
“SHE’S SO:”
and then he waits
with bated breath
until at last
almost imperceptibly
he hears the familiar voice of his long-lost friend, echoing down the halls:
“…HEAVYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY”
and that’s how he finds Maedhros

but Maedhros is chained to a rock
(HEY, JUST LIKE PROMETHEUS)
and he’s so miserable he just wants to be killed
so Fingon is like aw shit cuz
lemme take care of that for you
and he’s about to shoot Maedhros in the face with his bow
except that’s when Manwe, INSANELY PASSIVE KING OF THE VALAR, finally decides to intervene
see, Manwe knows what’s going on right now
because all the birds in the world fly back to him and tell him what’s up
(HEY, JUST LIKE FUCKIN’ ODIN)
so when Fingon lets his arrow loose
a fuckin EAGLE flies out of nowhere and grabs that shit and carries it away
and Fingon is like aw fuck
sorry about that, Maedhros
lemme just get another arrow real quick…
and Maedhros is like no no no dude
probably it’s a sign from the gods or something
totally a sign from the gods
and Fingon is like okay I guess
but they still can’t figure out how to set Maedhros free
cause fingon didn’t think to bring a metal file on his dungeon quest
so finally they come up with what they probably should have tried straight away
they cut off Maedhros’s shackled hand at the wrist
so he can just leave
and then he learns to wield his sword with his other hand
and rapidly becomes the biggest badass the world has ever seen
(OH HEY EXCUSE ME LADIES AND GENTLEMAN
BUT HAVE ANY OF YOU HEARD OF A FELLOW NAMED TYR?
WHAT THE FUCK TOLKIEN
WHAT, OUR HEARTS AND MINDS AREN’T ENOUGH?
YOU’VE GOT TO STEAL YOUR *IDEAS* TOO?
FOR REAL DOG
IT TAKES SOME SERIOUS NARRATIVE SKILL
TO STEAL THREE OF THE RADDEST CHARACTERS FROM MYTHOLOGY
AND CRAM THEM ALL INTO A SIX MILLION PAGE LEVIATHAN OF A STORY
THAT STILL SOMEHOW LACKS ANY QUALITY SEXY TIMES
BESTIALITY
EXPLOSIONS
DICK JOKES
OR BASICALLY ANYTHING THAT ISN’T A PROPER NOUN
OR A SYNONYM FOR A PROPER NOUN
THAT IS IN ITSELF
ALSO
A PROPER
FUCKING
NOUN.
CLOSE PARENTHESES.

anyway once Maedhros is back he’s like guys
Fingon totally saved my bacon
maybe we should stop hating each other
i mean true, he did cut off my hand
but darth vader did that shit to luke skywalker
and he was that dude’s DAD
so i think we can learn to forgive and forget
so let’s put our differences aside
and focus one what’s really important:
stealing back our shiny jewels from Fantasy Satan

so the moral of this part of the story
is that sometimes cutting off your friend’s hand
is exactly what you need to do to save your friendship
but it’s like
SUPER context-dependent

TO BE CONTINUED

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Men: Objectively Worse Elves

Okay so the Valar make the sun
and Melkor
oh shit I mean Morgoth
(sorry
I think I’m starting to reach critical mass with all these names
pretty soon my head is just going to explode
splattering double-Ls and apostrophes all over everything)
anyway M-guy is all bummed cause it’s not so shady anymore
so obviously the Valar press their advantage, right?
WRONG
they park their holy asses in Valinor and do exactly nothing
and meanwhile Humans are busy existing

it never really explains where any of the living races come from
with the exception of the dwarves
the dwarves are sleeping in a mountain though so who gives a fuck
as near as I can guess
humans were just hidden in a valley somewhere snoozing their asses off
and the first sunrise was their cue to end their infinite naptimes

the humans get a much less awesome reception than the elves did
the elves got to hang out with Valar
and go chill in valinor
and learn cool stuff and drink milk and honey and look at cool trees
actually when you really think about it
how long would you be happy just drinking milk and honey
i mean don’t get me wrong that stuff is good
but i think there’s a reason you can’t chug a gallon of milk without vomiting
plus one time I was trying to buy acid in golden gate park
and my conversation starter was to ask shady looking people
if they would rather eat nothing but milk and honey forever
or bread and water forever
and EVERYBODY said bread and water
granted they were all pretty high
but that seems like even more reason
look, whatever

the point is when the humans wake up they are on their own
there is no welcoming committee
no banners or fireworks
there is just
THE SUN
and they are all staring at it
because there is nobody to tell them not to
and they’re all like whoah
that looks awesome
let’s go over there

so they do
they just start wandering west
trying to walk into the sun
and on their way the most knowledgeable people they meet
are the dark elves
the ones that opted out of going to valinor back in the day
so really those guys don’t know shit either

oh and here’s the other thing
did I tell you about this before?
elves are immortal, okay
and humans ARE SO COMPLETELY NOT
what the fuck Iluvatar
you had one perfectly good race
could’ve just copy/pasted that one
why you gotta go and make shitty dying dudes
with abandonment issues and acute heliophilia?
for anyone with any doubts about whether humans suck
this
right here

so yeah the elves kinda get wind of these humans wandering around
and they give them all these nasty names
like The Second-Comers
(actually good if you interpret it wrong)
the Usurpers
(No way to spin that)
and the Heavy Handed
(which is probably where all that second coming is coming from
if you know what I mean)
meanwhile Morgoth is just goin’ nuts up in the north
but Feanor will be DAMNED if he’s gonna let Morgoth be the only one going nuts
i’ll tell you about that shit next week.

So the moral of this story
is that people are terrible
not morally terrible, necessarily
just objectively terrible

the end

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The Valar Fight Fire With Fire

Alright guys I’m still alive
barely
and here is a story about hurling fruit into outer space

so the story of Feanor is making me too sad and furious
let’s not talk about that guy for a while
let’s talk about the Valar and their problems
see, Feanor told everyone the Valar were being emo little bitches up on their mountain
just moping and not doing shit about the unending mystical bowel movement Melkor is perpetrating on the world
but that’s not entirely true
yes they are moping
yes they are on a mountain
but what feanor is forgetting is that these are dudes who wear flesh like a suit
they don’t need to be doing stuff with their bodies
they straight do shit with their MINDS

so what they do is
do you remember those trees Melkor burned down?
the ones with lights all up ins?
well they garden those trees SUPER HARD
and they get exactly one more fruit from each tree
and then both the trees die
and they leave them where they are so they can be sure never to forget to mope
but now they have these two weird radiant fruits
and they’re like what do we do with all this fruit
it is probably radioactive or something
and it is like wayyy too valuable/radioactive to eat
and if we don’t do anything it’s probably going to rot or give us cancer or something
OH
HEY
LET’S MAKE IT INTO PLANETS

so that’s what they do
they make the gold fruit into the sun
and the silver fruit into the moon
yes all these things have special names
but guys
I am just barely hanging on as it is
do not ask me to string fake elfy syllables together on top of everything

the problem though is that these people are not magic enough
they can grow weird atomic cantaloupes
and they can preserve them forever in the sky
but they can’t for the life of them make those fuckers drive themselves
so someone has to go pilot each of these things forever.
They get this chick Arien to drive the sun
because she’s a fire spirit anyway and her eyes are fire and she’s made of fire
and they get this dude Tilion to drive the moon
because … he really likes silver
i mean he REALLY likes silver
this dude is pretty much just like
an objectively worse dwarf
who is responsible for night time
seriously he’s terrible

let me tell you why he is terrible:
they try to give this guy some very simple instructions
like
do not get too close to the sun
she is a fire spirit and her eyes are fire and she is made of fire
and Tilion is like OOH SHINY
and just drives his moon-boat straight up Arien’s radiant ass
which singes the moon hardcore
which is why that thing is so dark
so then they make a rule
which is like okay
only one of you can be out at a time
when you’re done for the day you get to rest underneath the horizon for a bit
and then you have to take the subway to the other side of the world
so you can rise again tomorrow
and Arien is fine with this
it is not a very hard thing to do
but Tilion cannot fucking figure it out
he’s like wait
do you mean you want me to take turns with Arien
or like
fly all over the place at random and show up fuckin whenever
and then like sometimes fly in front of the sun and black shit out
and sometimes just not show up at all
and everyone is like uhh
the first option, please
and Tilion is like OPTION TWO IT IS

so that’s why the moon basically sucks ass
obviously melkor is not happy about this whole light thing
because i guess before this everything was just pitch black?
and that’s why all the crimes have been happening?
Melkor even goes so far as to send an army to the moon to fuck shit up
but Tilion is not a worthless asshole for once in his life and he keeps shit safe
and that’s good
because dudes are going to be showing up soon
and the Valar are trying to clean everything up because the place is a MESS and that is EMBARASSING

so the moral of the story
is do not hire someone to drive a thing around for you
just because they have an unhealthy obsession with the type of thing you want them to drive
that is not a job qualification
that is a fetish

THE END

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Feanor’s Arctic Roadtrip

Okay so when we talked about this shit last week
it seemed like Melkor had pretty effectively fucked everything up
but it turns out he didn’t actually fuck up everything
because if he had
then there wouldn’t be anything left over for Feanor to fuck up
and let me tell you
Feanor fucks up
PLENTY THINGS

so the Valinor and the Noldor elves are cleaning up after the party
and Yavanna is being all sad about how her light-trees got ate
but then she’s like holy shit wait a second
didn’t Feanor make those fancy Silmaril gems using the light of my trees?
if I got my hands on one of those gems I could totally fix these trees i bet
hey Feanor, wanna lend a sister a cup o’ gems?
and Feanor is like NAW
GET YOUR OWN IRREPLACEABLE GEMS OF LIGHT
and Yavanna is like dang
but then it turns out it doesn’t even matter
cause right then a messenger shows up
to tell everyone that Feanor’s dad Finwe just got dead
cause Melkor and professional spiderbitch Ungoliant romped right through Feanor’s castle
and guess what else guys
they took
ALL THE TREASURE

okay so lemme put this in perspective
let’s say you have a computer
(i do not think this is too challenging of a scenario for you to imagine)
and let’s say you are a diligent computer user
who regularly backs up all your important files onto an external hard drive
you keep your computer in your room in your house
and you keep the external hard drive in an iron room at the roots of your mountain stronghold
guarded by all the fiercest warriors in your kingdom
one day you go to a party
not because you want to party, but because it’s some kind of weird social obligation
like, it’s your friend’s boyfriend’s birthday or something
and you don’t really like him but you like your friend
and it would look really bitchy if you didn’t go
and while you are at this party
some dude and his giant spider go into your room and smash your computer
so you’re pretty bummed
but you’ve still got your external hard drive right?
nope, no
they blew that shit up too
and they killed your dad
and oh, i forgot to say
those important files you were backing up?
those were actually ALL THE LIGHT AND GOODNESS IN THE WORLD
so naturally Feanor is not really happy with anyone at this point in this story

he’s so pissed in fact
that he decides Melkor needs a new name
he’s like “hm, melkor is pretty evil sounding and all
but what with all the darkness he’s constantly creeping around in
I think we need something a little more goth
hey, that’s it! Moregoth!
but people might mispronounce that if we leave the E in
so we better just shorten it to Morgoth”
and that is what that dude gets called forever
because Feanor has him some fucking CHARISMA

he has so much charisma in fact
that when he climbs up on top of a mountain
and starts screaming at all the elves about how they should come with him
on a suicide mission to get the Silmarils back from Morgoth
only a few of them are actually like “Fuck you and fuck your treasure”
and most of them seem to think it’s a really good idea for some reason
probably because Feanor uses all the lies he heard from Melkor back in the day
and lies are great.

MEANWHILE
Morgoth and Ungoliant are back on the north side
on the way to Morgoth’s stronghold
and Ungoliant is like yo
you said you’d give me whatever I wanted
and I’m a huge spider with magic powers so you should keep your promises to me
and Morgoth is like fuuuuck what do you want
and Ungoliant is like FEED ME GEMS
so he does
but he keeps the silmarils for himself
even though they are totally burning his hands
and Ungoliant tries to put him in some webs to get the silmarils
but then all of Morgoth’s old pals from underground come running out and set her on fire
and she leaves
and goes and lives with some other evils spiders and fucks and eats them forever
Morgoth, meanwhile, rebuilds his fortress
and puts the silmarils in a big crown on his head
even though like I said they are INCREDIBLY PAINFUL
and then he basically just sits on a chair for years and years
waiting to be thwarted
like most supervillains

Looks like he’s gonna have to wait a long time though
cause the Noldor are not off to a good start
right out of the gate they have a little schism
cuz Feanor wants to be king of all the elves
and like two-thirds of the elves want their king to be Fingolfin
by the way I looked up some of the elements of elvish names in the appendix
and it turns out fin means “hair”
so fingolfin’s name actually means “Hairgolhair”
i don’t know what “gol” means
probably “hair” though.

But even though the noldor pick different leaders
they still all think it’s a good idea
to hurl themselves into a frozen morass full of orcs and demons
mainly because they’ve all been cooped up in valinor for a long-ass time
and they want to see what the actual world looks like

Now, Feanor made everyone leave pretty fast
cause he was worried that if he gave them too long to think
they’d realize how fucking stupid this whole thing was
and in fact Manwe even sent a messenger to remind them how fucking stupid it was
which Feanor ignored obviously
but after a few days of marching towards doomtowne Feanor starts to actually think
and he’s like fuuuuck
there are a lot of us
and in order to get to Melkor’s place we’re going to need boats
and I am too impatient to actually sit and make boats
good thing there’s a whole race of elves called the Teleri
(Swimmy elves)
who have tons of boats and will totally give them to us

except it turns out that the Teleri don’t want to just give away awesome boats for free
or for money, either
it’s pretty obvious to them how grade-a stupid Feanor’s plan is
and they paid good money for those boats
so Feanor is like fine, fine, that’s cool
I’ll just murder all your boat dudes and take your boats anyway
and all the swimmy elves are like what the fuuuuuck
and while he’s doing that Fingolfin’s part of the army catches up
and they see a big fight going on
and they don’t know why it’s happening, but dudes are getting killed
so they jump in and swarm on the Teleri
and get on the boats
and then Fingolfin is like hey what was that about?
and Feanor is like boat thievery
OBVIOUSLY
and then everyone feels terrible

then there’s storms, and more people die
then Mandos, the hand of fate, appears on a cliff
shouting DOOM DOOM DOOM MOTHERFUCKERS
THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO TURN BACK
and some of the dudes do turn back
but most of them stay
because they feel pretty shitty about killing all those Teleri
and they don’t want to go to jail for it or anything

here’s the problem though
now they’re at this awful river of ice and danger called the Helcaraxe
and there are not enough boats to get everyone across at once
even though I thought they sailed there on the boats?
I guess I’m missing something
anyway no one trusts anyone enough to let anyone else go ahead
so finally Feanor is like fuck this and just steals the boats AGAIN
he steals them from himself, basically
and he puts all the dudes who are loyal to him on the boats
and sails to the other side
and then when they get there one of his sons is like okay
so who are we sending back to pick up Fingolfin’s dudes?
and Feanor is like HAHAHA NO ONE
IN FACT
I’M SETTING THESE BOATS ON FIRE NOW
IT’S BRILLIANT DON’T YOU SEE??

no one does see, of course
because it’s pure idiocy on every level
but Fingolfin’s men DO see the fires
and it’s pretty obvious to them what’s happened
so they’re like what should we do?
should we go back to Valinor and live forever in peace and delight?
NAH FUCK THAT
LET’S WADE ACROSS THE HELCARAXE, TRACK DOWN FEANOR AND BEAT HIS ASS
and that is exactly what they decide to do

but also
that is a story for another time

moral of the story
is if you are gathering an army of your kin to enact revenge on a mortal enemy
you should plan at least far enough out in advance
to book plane tickets

THE END.

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Melkor Ruins the Party

So Feanor is kicked out of Party City
and Melkor is on the run trying to avoid Tulkas
who, if you remember, is a dude whose SOLE PURPOSE is to kill Melkor
everything is sort of bad, and people are bummed
which is why Manwe decides to throw THE ULTIMATE PARTY
they have these parties every year actually
it’s like a harvest festival
Yavanna schedules it down to the minute with her forest magic
and everyone chows down and it’s awesome
but Manwe feels like this has been a particularly bad year
what with releasing the king of doom metal into the world
and banishing the raddest elf
so he decides that this year he is going to spare no expense
bustin’ out champange jacuzzis, cocaine snowglobes and solid gold meat
everyone is invited, and everyone is bound to have an awesome time
there is only one thing that might ruin the party
(well okay two things but we’ll get to the other one)
and that one thing is that even though all the elves are invited
and even though Feanor is REQUIRED BY LAW TO ATTEND
none of Feanor’s bros show up
Like, feanor does
but he totally underdresses
and Finwe, his dad, is like “I’m not coming to any more parties
until you let my son back in the kingdom”
this shit is so highschool, seriously

Meanwhile, Tulkas and co are trying to chase down Melkor
they figure he’ll probably go back to his old fortress in the north
but when they get there they realize they are super wrong
and no one thinks to check the south side
which is apprently Middle Earth’s hotbed of crime
because literally none of the cops (by which I mean Valar) pay attention to it

see, not only is Melkor down there
but there is also this chick Ungoliant
she was one of Melkor’s key people back in the day
but she got sick of playing second-fiddle
(or second axe or whatever)
and decided to pursue a solo career as a giant tarantula that eats light and shits darkness
So Melkor goes and hits her up like hey
wanna help me fuck everything up?
and she’s like I don’t know
what’s in it for me?
and he’s like If you do it then I’ll straight up give you anything you want
literally anything
(he is lying
lying is great)
and that’s a pretty good deal, so Ungoliant agrees
and she spins them a bodysuit made of jet black hatred
and that makes them invisible or something so then they just go walk to Valinor

okay so back at the party
shit is real awkward
no one’s really seen Feanor since he got banished
and he’s not really in a partying kind of mood
but Fingolfin is determined to put a good face on the situation
so he goes up to Feanor and he’s like dude
I’m sorry about taking you to court and whatnot
let’s be bros from now on
and Feanor is like okay sure, bros forever
and they hug it out
and then right at that EXACT MOMENT is when Melkor and Ungoliant get to Valinor
and they cut open the trees of light that Yavanna made
and Ungoliant sucks out all the light-juice
and gets wayyy fat and sassy
so fat and sassy that Melkor is actually kind of spooked
and then Ungoliant sucks all the water out of all the wells
and darkness spreads across the land and whatnot
and then they’re like okay fuck let’s hit the road before the cops get here
and Manwe is like guys I was just trying to have a party I mean shiiiiiiiit
(Manwe, I am beginning to realize, is not a very effective king)
then they send Orome and all the other murder guys to go try to chase down Melkor
and meanwhile someone still has to clean up after the party

so the moral of the story
is never have parties
they are a dangerous distraction

THE END

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Feanor Invents Bling

sup wednesday people
it has been brought to my attention
that I haven’t been tagging all of the silmarillion posts
WELL NOW THEY ARE ALL TAGGED
YOU CAN ALL CLIMB OFF YOUR HIGH HORSES NOW
seriously guys
you got to stop smoking out your fucking steeds already
it is a danger

okay so Feanor is born
and Melkor is out of jail
what could possibly go wrong?
EVERYTHING
ALL THE THINGS

to start with, Feanor makes a bunch of jewels called the Silmarils
YEAH THAT’S RIGHT GUYS
WE HAVE BEEN POWERING THROUGH THE SILMARILLION FOR LIKE 2 MONTHS NOW
AND THIS WHOLE TIME WE WERE JUST BUILDING UP TO THE FUCKING SILMARILS
and what are these silmarils everyone is so wild about?
just some INDESTRUCTABLE GEMS
infused with the LIGHT OF THE TREES OF VALINOR
that’s pretty rad
but like
i’m not sure what it means in practical terms
as far as I can tell these is just some pretty-ass gems
that are enchanted so that evil people cannot handle them
without their hands melting off

WHICH MAKES IT REALLY WEIRD THAT MELKOR WANTS THEM
i mean i guess his general MO is just “fuck shit up”
with no consideration as to personal gain
like he’s passed straight on through self-interest into the hatefuck zone
but still
dude’s a musician
a speed metal guitarist, if history is to be believed
dude needs his hands

so instead of just jacking these pretty gems
Melkor begins an incredibly sneaky PR campaign
cause oh shit i forgot to tell you some stuff

so remember I said Feanor’s mom used 3 dudeworths of energy to make Feanor
well apparently that kills you when you do that
so Finwe (Feanor’s dad) is suitably bummed about this
but he’s not a fucking priest
he gets married again pretty quick
and has more kids
and since Finwe is king of the elves
(or at least king of the Noldor
who are the only elves this story is really about from now on)
that means that his sons are elf princes
which means they are going to have to be dicks to each other

so Melkor wisely takes advantage of this
and starts wandering around the kingdom
paying all kinds of backhanded compliments to the Valar
and totally negging on them in all kinds of subtle ways
making everybody think the Valar brought the elves to Party Island
just to keep them from having an awesome time all over the rest of the world
and so they could make the elves their slaves
he even tells them about humans
even though he doesn’t really know much about humans
because during the whole creation song he was pretty focused on his own riffs
he’s basically just like DUDES
HUMANS ARE GOING TO SHOW UP ON EARTH
AND THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE ALL TYPE OF SWEET PARTIES WHERE YOU USED TO LIVE
AND THE VALAR ARE GOING TO LET THEM
CUZ HUMANS ARE EASIER TO MANIPULATE THAN ELVES
even though that’s total bullshit
humans take no guff from anyone

anyway the elves are starting to get all grumpy at the Valar
and so Melkor moves on to stage 2
he goes to Feanor and he’s like yo dude
I think the Valar are going to try and help your bro Fingolfin stage a coup
because Fingolfin has agreed to be pussywhipped by the Valar forever
and then he goes over to Fingolfin and he’s like BRO
you should watch out for Feanor, man
dude is a loose cannon
so suddenly these two powerful elf dudes are all suspicious of each other
and they start making weapons and shit
and hiding them
and walking around with shields on all the time
and everybody thinks they are the only ones who know about this
because melkor has been so crafty with all his lies
but except how does no one realize what’s up
when EVERYONE STARTS WEARING SHIELDS ALL THE TIME

well according to tolkien
it’s because liars are guaranteed success
like check it out, here’s what he actually says:
“He that sows lies in the end shall not lack of a harvest
and soon he may rest from toil indeed while others reap and sow in his stead”
dude
lying sounds AWESOME
i need to get on that shit

anyway everybody finally flies off the handle
and Fingolfin goes to Finwe’s house like Dude
Feanor is totally a loose cannon and he is totally trying to stir up rebellion
and then Feanor busts in like HEY FINWE I’M A LOOSE CANNON WATCH ME STAB AT MY BROTHER
so obviously finwe calls the cops
by which I mean the Valar
and they are like Feanor
what the fuck are you doing man
who told you we were trying to enslave all the elves?
and Feanor is like uh
Melkor?
and everyone is like OH SHIT WHAT A SURPRISE

So they send Tulkas off to go try to kill Melkor
but he turns into some clouds and flies away
and meanwhile they can’t have Feanor running around being a loose cannon
so they kick him off the force
by which I mean they kick him out of the city for 12 years
and he takes his seven sons and goes and chills out inside a mountain with his treasure
and Finwe comes too because he likes Feanor better than his other lame sons
and Melkor really wants those Silmarils so he goes over to Feanor’s place
and he’s like yoooo buddyyyy
sorry about the whole exile thing
I can totally help you get back to the mainland and shit
i mean it’s not like those shiny jewels of yours are safe here in Valar towne
and Feanor is like DON’T YOU FUCKING TALK ABOUT MY JEWELS
THEY ARE MY JEWELS AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT THEM
and he calls the cops (by which I mean the Valar)
but Melkor turns into more clouds and escapes before they can catch him
and he leaves Valinor and everything is real nice for a real long time

BUT OBVIOUSLY THAT IS NOT THE END
because shit ain’t terrible yet
but just as obviously it is the end for tonight
because I am sleepy

So the moral of the story
is that lying is great and has no consequences

the end.

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Melkor is Way Too Convincing

WELL WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT
IT’S WEDNESDAY AGAIN ALREADY

in another time/place
wednesday would have been a day for thinking and talking about Odin
but the time is today
and the place is the motherfucking internet
so instead we will be discussing a best-selling fantasy kingdom
invented by a professional pothead
HOW AM I DOING TOLKIEN ARE YOU ROLLING IN YOUR GRAVE YET?
LET ME KNOW OK I’M ON TWITTER

so all the elves are chilling in Valinor
I told you about this already
I think I also told you about the big cheese in elf-land
the one named Finwe
but I definitely didn’t tell you about his son
so here goes:

Finwe is married to this chick Miriel
Miriel is awesome
she has this magical power
where she can get pregnant
(no that’s not the magical power guys
i’m not finished with my sentence yet
i know I don’t use a lot of punctuation
and i know childbirth is magical like friendship and the moon and shit
but Miriel is legit magical
like for real
and I don’t want you bringing this story down with your fucking assumptions
oh shit this parenthetical kinda got away from me lemme start over)
basically what Miriel does is she gets pregnant
and then she takes all the womb-power you would normally use for three kids
and she uses it all on ONE KID
and what’s even more amazing
is that the kid that comes hurtling out of her stomach cavity doesn’t even have like
three heads or eighteen thumbs or some nonsense
he’s just a normal dude
(i mean elf)
who is as badass as THREE DUDES
(elves)
His name is Curufinwe
but that is too much even for Tolkein
so he gets renamed to Feanor pretty quick

Feanor is probably the most awesome dude we’ve met so far
he pretty much spends all his time
either exploring the countryside from coast to coast or inventing telescopes
which basically makes him like a combination of Lewis and Clark plus Galileo
NONE OF WHOM WERE VERY GOOD HUSBANDS AS FAR AS I KNOW
which is why when Feanor gets married
to the unfortunately named Nerdanel
it takes all of fifteen minutes for her to get sick of his wild ways
and for them to become estranged
actually I exaggerated
it probably takes more than 15 minutes
it takes however long it takes to have seven kids
because that’s how many kids they have
so I guess they get along okay
but basically the problem is that Nerdanel is really chill
and Feanor is about as chill as a bottle of beer at the center of the sun
he’s hot-headed, basically
and that is why he has a DARK FATE

but we’ll talk about feanor’s dark fate later
right now let’s talk about the dark fate OF THE ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD
aka Melkor
remember how I said Melkor came up for parole in three ages?
Well no one remembers how long an age is, but they figure it’s been long enough
so they drag him out of the pit of despair and they’re like hey
give us one good reason not to put you back in the pit of despair
and he’s like BECAUSE I’M TOTALLY A GOOD GUY NOW
and Manwe is like OH MY
HOW TRUSTWORTHY YOU HAVE BECOME IN YOUR CAPTIVITY
HERE, HAVE FREEDOM
so the Valar put Melkor under house arrest basically
and he behaves himself SO WELL
giving everyone presents and relationship advice and shit
that they finally decide to release him completely

of course he’s still an asshole
we’ve been hearing about what a perpetual asshole he is for like a hundred pages now
but they’ve got to release him you see
because otherwise there would not be a book

what does this have to do with Feanor, you ask?
Well, not much honestly
mainly they’re just in the same chapter
but one thing that is important
is that later on
when all the bad stuff happens that I’m going to tell you about later
Melkor is like “Guys, I totally taught Feanor all his cool shit
he totally ripped off all my cool ideas”
but everyone knows he’s full of shit
because out of everyone who hates Melkor
Feanor is the hateiest
and like I kinda already said
and like you will see later on
he is a dude who is good at hate

so I guess the moral of the story
is that you need to not release pyromaniacal sociopaths
based solely on their own testimony
because pyromaniacs are very convincing people, my friends
convincing, handsome people
hey does anyone have a house they’re not really using?
no reason.

The end.

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The Elves Are Not Masters of Logistics

SO WHEN LAST WE LEFT OUR HEROES
(and by heroes I mean elves
who are like the least heroic type of fantasy humanoid
seriously I’m trying to think of ONE TIME
when elves are something other than supporting characters
in someone else’s rad adventure)
they all got invited to a party in orgyland
and they were repeatedly fucking up trying to get there
dudes were all wandering off
or getting lost
getting eaten by wolves
or just saying “fuck it” cause of too many mountains
but eventually they get to Valinor!

…I mean some of them do
Like I said there’s basically three kinds of elves
the high elves make it to Valinor just fine
and so do the deep elves
but the swimmy elves…
well…

okay so there’s this guy Elwe
he’s the king of the Teleri, aka the swimmy elves
and all the elves (high, deep, swimmy) are chilling on the beach
waiting for Ulmo to haul over a gigantic island
to use as a boat
to cruise to Valinor
so there’s some time to kill, obviously
and Elwe is fucking slaughtering it
by wandering around in the nearby forest

this is fine
this is what elves are supposed to do

here’s where shit goes south, though
(or rather, where shit fails to go north)
because Elwe is wandering the woods one day
when he runs across
a b-b-b-b-b-b-b-BABE
I am not talking about a babe: pig in the city type of babe
or a from-the-mouths-of-babes type of babe
(although she does have a pretty mouth)
this is a ten point
double-d
triple-a
36-24-36
HOT-TAY
she has all the best numbers you can have as a woman is what I’m saying
and not only that
but this babe in the woods has her some PIPES
she is singing so good
Elwe isn’t sure for a second whether he should start making out with her
because then she might have to stop singing
but then he figures she can probably just hum
and that’s good enough

so they start mackin’
and they DO NOT STOP
they continue macking FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR
meanwhile Ulmo shows up at the beach with that island cruise boat
and everybody gets on
except the swimmy elves
cause they kinda don’t know where their king is
so they don’t want to leave without him
he hasn’t called or emailed or anything
he’s being a really terrible king if you think about it
but the High elves and the Deep elves really can’t wait to get to orgyland
so they leave on the island boat and the swimmy elves stay behind
and a couple months later Elwe walks out of the woods
flanked by this smokin’ goddess Melian and afterglowing like crazy
and everyone is like DUDE WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
and he’s like
BALLIN’
and they totally understand

which is great, but now they’re stuck on the beach
it’s not that bad though, cause it’s a beach
and this dude Osse shows up and teaches them all kinds of cool shit
and in fact when Ulmo finally comes back with the island boat
they kinda don’t want to leave
and some of them stay behind
and the rest of them end up anchoring the island boat way off the coast of Valinor
so they can keep chilling with Osse, who is apparently tight
but eventually they miss their bros and move to Valinor
just in time for the Deep elves to get bored of Valinor
and go back to middle earth

so the moral of the story
is if you are moving your entire race all the way across the known world
invest in some fucking cell phones

THE END.

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