Author Archives: Ovid

ELVIS LIVES!

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ELVIS LIVES!

Now for those of you who think they don’t make myths like they used to
I offer you one compelling counterexample.
This counterexample is named
ELVIS PRESLEY.
This guy is equal parts Orpheus, Dionysis and Hercules.
(Don’t worry, it’ll all make sense by the end).
I mean, granted, he didn’t start out too great.
Like, his family is super poor
and if I had a nickel for every person who told young Elvis he couldn’t sing
Well, I’d still be nowhere near as wealthy as Elvis
but I’d at least have a little beer money, if you know what I mean.
But when he’s still a wee lad, his parents get him a guitar for his birthday
which he is actually pretty disappointed about
but only because what he really wanted was a GUN
and how American is that?
Anyway, he gets the guitar
and I cannot for the life of me figure out why
but he keeps practicing
even when everyone he runs up on seems intent on finding more and more creative ways
to tell him how bad he sucks.
He just keeps on losing singing contests
and styling his hair with a combination of vaseline and antigravity
until one day he struts into this record studio to record some songs
and he gets DISCOVERED.

Now, there is a reason why this happens
and that reason
is that at this time in ancient American history
white people and black people are not on the best of terms
especially in the south, where Elvis lives.
Like, black people can’t even go to a white people CONCERT, and vice versa.
But there are a bunch of white dudes who REALLY DIG the music black people are making
except they just wish it was a white guy who was singing it, is all
and along comes Elvis, who grew up listening to all this music black people are making
and has, like, the PERFECT VOICE for it
and so the white dudes who own the record label are like “Alright
we can make this work.”

AND MAKE IT WORK THEY DO.
They make it work to the tune of HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS
in a time where a hundred thousand dollars is pretty much an imaginary number
and not only that
but when Elvis starts doing concerts
it turns out that he is also SUPER SEXY
like, he starts waggling his hips because he is actually pretty nervous
but it turns out that with every waggle of his hips
he is also waggling the heartstrings of EVERY LADY IN THE ROOM.
He waggles their heartstrings so hard that they start throwing their underwears at him
and then making him sign his name on their sexyparts
which, in the 1950s, basically means anything above the ankle.
So of course he keeps doing these hip-waggles.
In fact, he starts waggling his hips MORE AND MORE
and it kinda freaks out the people who maybe don’t WANT ladies’ heartstrings getting waggled
like devout Christians and stuff
which is funny, because Elvis is ALSO pretty Christian.
He just happens to be a Christian who likes to waggle his hips is all.

Anyway, all the anti-wagglers in the world are not enough to stop Elvis’s rise to fame.
He gets super rich and well-known, and starts being in movies and stuff
but then DISASTER STRIKES:
Elvis Presley gets drafted into the US ARMY.
But he’s fine with that, because he is a GODDAMN AMERICAN HERO.
So he gets shipped over to Germany for a while
and every time he goes on leave, he pretty much records like a million top-selling records
and meanwhile he uses all of his crazy riches to buy all kinds of sweet gear for his army buddies
like new fatigues, and color TVs, and amphetamines.
He also manages to not get killed, which is good.

Then he comes back home and spends about seven years making TERRIBLE music/movies
until finally he’s like “Wait a second… Didn’t I used to be a total badass or something?”
At which point he puts on a white sequined jumpsuit
fit to outshine the combined glory of Zeus and King Ramses
and he does him some CONCERTS.
I’m sorry, did I say some concerts?
I meant all the concerts.
This guy is pulling off like a hundred and seventy concerts a year!
That is too many concerts!

And as if that wasn’t enough
he is also making constant improvements to his crazy huge mansion on Graceland Ranch
which is located at 3764 Elvis Presley Drive in Memphis Tennessee.
Wait, how is ELVIS FUCKING PRESLEY number 3764 on the street that BEARS HIS NAME??
Well, whatever.
The point is that this house is a modern-day pleasure palace
complete with plush purple drapes
an indoor waterfall
and limitless hamburgers.
Also, Elvis likes to sit in the basement and watch three TVs at once
and then change the channel by shooting the TVs WITH GUNS.
CHANNEL SURFING WITH GUNS IS PERHAPS THE MOST AMERICAN ACTIVITY THERE IS.

And as if THAT wasn’t enough
Elvis also gets wayyy into KARATE.
Yeah, he starts learning all these deadly moves
and jumping around and doing karate chops on stage
and at one point, some dudes try to bum-rush him during a performance
and he BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF THEM BY HIMSELF.
(Also one of his wives ends up cheating on him with her Karate instructor, so there’s that).

But yeah, mostly he’s doing WAY TOO MANY concerts/drugs.
He’s only about 40
but he is on so many drugs that his age is effectively doubled.
It’s like his circulatory system is the party house that everyone went to when you were in college
where they never had time to clean the poop off the walls because of too many parties.
You know what I’m talking about.
Well, even if you don’t, I’m sure Elvis would have.
He’s just stumbling up to the microphone at these concerts
holding on for dear life
and slurring his words like he’s giving a drunken blowjob to a horse.
It’s not pretty
nobody likes it
and his audiences are getting less and less sexy too.

So after selling over seventy-five million records
and topping even more charts with his albums than with his blood-toxicity levels
Elvis finally goes down.
He dies on the floor of his bathroom in Graceland
with about fifteen different drugs in his system
which is pretty legendary on its own.
But what happens afterwards is even more legendary.

So you remember Hercules, right?
You remember how he died, after a long and storied career
because his wife gave him POISON?
But then he didn’t really die
because the gods took pity on him
and put him in SPACE??
Yeah, I think you know where this is going.
Because Elvis may have died of a drug overdose
but he was such a radical musician
that ALIENS took pity on him
and put him
in space.

And to this day, his worshippers perform his rites
dressing in his traditional garb and re-enacting his greatest achievements
holding massive conventions in his name every year
saying prayers and bringing offerings to his final resting place in the meditation garden at Graceland.
And on top of all that
there’s his name
which is
say it with me now:
THE KING.

The end.

Billy the Kid is a Precocious Lad

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So it’s been a while since I’ve talked about America
let’s fix this
starting with a kid named Billy

So Billy gets born in New York City, way back in the day, to an Irish mom and an invisible dad.
He’s a mischievous little bastard
and by the time he’s like 12, he gets a little too mischievous and gets thrown in jail.
But it’s okay, because in addition to being a mischievous bastard
he is also a little bastard, like I said
so he escapes from prison by crawling out of the chimney
and then he goes WEST.

Now the West is a whole mythical realm all on its own
but let it just suffice to say
that at the time this story takes place
the west was pretty much just a glistening repository of guns, guff, and gumption.
So naturally, a mischievous little bastard like Billy is gonna fit right in.
And FIT RIGHT IN HE DOES.
First he shoots a blacksmith who’s trying to push him around
then he runs off and becomes a cattle rustler/cheesemaker
and then after doing that for a while
he gets hired by this lawyer named McSween to GUARD some cattle
because apparently they didn’t do background checks in those days.

But maybe they did do background checks
because as a cattle guard
Billy’s job description is to basically murder all the dudes who work for the OTHER cattle guys
who, granted, are classic mustache-twirling villains
who do things like shoot people
and then shoot their horses
and then cut off the heads of the horses and put them on the heads of the dudes.
Messed up, I know.

So yeah, bullets fly back and forth between these two posses of bad dudes for a while
and both sides do things that are pretty messed up
but the guys Billy is fighting against are way richer and know way more important government dudes
and also Billy makes the mistake of shooting at some US Cavalry
so in the end, he gets indicted
and has to make a plea bargain to get a pardon
where he totally sells out some of the other dudes in his gang.
But when he comes in to testify
THEY TOTALLY JUST ARREST HIM
so he’s just like “Psh, you guys clearly have not heard about me and chimneys.”
Then he climbs out the chimney and rides away on a horse someone brought for him.

So now Billy the Kid is widely known as a seriously bad dude
and the governor of New Mexico starts offering a really sweet reward for his arrest:
FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS.
DUDE.
Five hundred bucks?!
That’s barely enough to buy five hours with a very classy prostitute…
Wait, okay, I see how this could work.

ENTER PAT GARETT
he’s a buffalo hunter
but that does not mean he cannot also hunt DUDES.
Dudes are basically the same as buffalo
except with less legs and more bullets.
Some people say that Pat and Billy used to be best friends
but normally you do not form a posse to go arrest/kill your best friend for a measly 500 bucks.
Usually it takes like 600 at LEAST
So I don’t know.

Anyway, Pat chases Billy around for a while
while Billy is rustling cattle HARDCORE
and also pranking dudes with his guns
like this one time
when he’s hanging out in a bar
and this drunk jerk is like “I AM TOTALLY GOING TO KILL BILLY THE KID.”
Totally unaware of the fact that Billy is RIGHT THERE IN THE BAR.
So Billy walks up to him
and he’s like “Nice gun. Mind if I take a look?”
So the guy gives him the gun
LIKE AN IDIOT
and then instead of just shooting the dude with it, like a normal badass
Billy goes ahead and rotates the barrel so that the next chamber to fire will be empty
and then gives it back to him
and then he’s like “Oh, by the way, I’m Billy the Kid.”
And the guy is like “WHAAAAAAT” and starts shooting at him
but no bullets come out of his gun, obviously
so then Billy kills him
and everyone is like “Well, that was unnecessary
and therefore TOTALLY AWESOME.”

But all awesome things must come to an end.
One morning, Pat Garett tracks Billy and his gang to a little house on the Prairie
and he barricades the door with a dead horse
and then he starts cooking BACON.
And he’s like “Hey Billy, how would you like to come out and eat some tasty bacon?”
And Billy is like “Hey Pat, how would you like to GO TO HELL.”
And Pat is like “Well I’m sorry you feel that way, buddy.
I guess you can just starve to death inside that house of yours.”
But no one can withstand the smell of bacon for long
so eventually Billy and his gang surrender so they can get some breakfast.

Then Billy gets convicted, of course
for a whole bunch of murders
some of which he probably didn’t even commit
but that’s okay, because the number of murders he’s accused of
makes him a TOTAL CELEBRITY
he gets to go to Las Vegas and do interviews!
Granted, he spends a good portion of the interview denying a lot of those very same murders
but whatever, he’s famous!
Unfortunately, it also means that he gets sentenced to death for his crimes
and the prison where he’s being kept until he gets executed
DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A CHIMNEY.
So I guess he’s just boned, huh?

WRONG.
Because this is when Billy the Kid pulls some straight up action hero shit
like, his guards are walking him over to get executed
and he KNOCKS ONE OUT WITH HIS MANACLES
then he steals that dude’s gun, and shoots the other one in the face
after addressing him with a catchy one-liner BY NAME.
He then has to put off his escape for an hour
while he somehow manages to chew through his leg-irons.

But there is a natural law in the old West.
It is called the Conservation of Gumption.
It states that one man cannot hog all of the gumption for too long
before he has to die and let other people have a turn
and that’s why
three months later
Pat Garett finally catches up with Billy in some random house one night
and Billy goes down like a clown to a bullet in the stomach while yelling “Who’s there?” in Spanish.
At the time of his death, Billy is just shy of twenty-one years old
and according to some (wildly inaccurate) estimates
he has killed TWENTY-ONE MEN.
Dude
even if he only killed like five guys
dude has some serious work ethic.
I mean, I’ve already lived longer than he did
and I have yet to kill anything more intimidating than a spider.
Oh well
to each his own.

But I guess maybe that’s the moral of the story
that if you make a career out of killing dudes
eventually you are probably going to be one of the dudes who gets killed
but also
you will be REALLY AWESOME.

The end.

Dogs: Great Friends, Terrible Couriers

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So have you ever wondered why people have to die?
Well then you are clearly not one of the Kono people of Sierra Leon.
If you were, then you would know:
It’s because of SNAKES.

Okay, lemme back up a little.
So there’s this god named Yataa
(Which, up until now
I thought was just the thing Hiro Nakamura from Heroes yelled whenever he traveled through time)
and when our story begins, he has just gotten done making all the people.
He is super pleased with these people he just made
no problems at all, everything is great
nothing is going to go wrong you could just stop reading now.

But Yataa is one of those guys who can never put down a project
like my dad, or most serial killers
so he’s racking his brains for a way to really kick these dudes up a notch
and finally he’s like “Oh, duh
I’ll just make them immortal.”
But there’s a problem with this
which has been exhaustively explored by, like, a million science fiction writers already:
ETERNAL LIFE DOES NOT EQUAL ETERNAL YOUTH.
And Yataa is not gonna just stand idly by and watch his chosen people get ugly.
No, no, no.
So he gets out his sewing kit
and he pulls some straight-up Texas Chainsaw Massacre shit
by which I mean he sews new skins for everybody.

But that is not the end of Yataa’s logistical problems
because, see, he forgot to invent FedEx
and so if he wants to get this package of skins to his people
he’s got to use the next best thing:
a dog.
So he calls up this dog he knows
and he’s like “Hey dog
I need you to take these skins to my people.
It is very important.”
And the dog is like “WOOF WOOF I AM A DOG YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.”

So Yataa gives his skinsack to the dog
and the dog goes trotting along towards all Yataa’s dudes
but on the way he sees a bunch of his friend chilling by the river.
Let me be clear, guys
the dog’s friends are not other dogs.
They are, in fact, ALL THE OTHER ANIMALS.
So there’s a hippo there, and probably a lion and a gator and a jaguar
and DEFINITELY a snake
because I mentioned those earlier.
This is a very sociable dog, is what I’m saying.
Anyway, the animals are like “YO DOG I HEARD YOU LIKED RIVERS.”
And the dog is like “WOOF WOOF I AM A DOG YOU HEARD RIGHT.”
And the dog goes over and has a drink with his animal pals
and totally spills the beans about how he is carrying this precious sack of skins
and all his friends are totally impressed
except for snake
who is just totally EVIL.

So what snake does
is he starts yawning
and you know how yawns are contagious, right?
Well, snake yawns are some WEAPONS-GRADE SHIT
because within minutes, every single one of those animals is asleep
and then snake just grabs those skins and slithers away
and after that, Yataa totally loses steam, and he is too lazy to make any more skins.
So that’s why snakes get to do that gross thing now where their skin comes off.
Although now I don’t get why their sheddings don’t have arms and legs and thumbs.
Whatever
maybe snake just took the skins to a tailor for alterations or something.

Look,
the moral of the story
is that you should never trust a dog
who hangs out with snakes.

The end.

Whiskey Jack and the Flying Butt

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Guys this myth is totally real I swear
like I found it in a book and whatnot
yes I know the title is a little suspicious
but this is coming from the people who brought you the vagina house
so you’re gonna have to just go with it:

So Wisakedjak grows up in a pretty normal nuclear family.
I mean, normal inasmuch as he has one mom, one dad, and one little bro.
What is abnormal about this family
is that every day, the dad goes out hunting
and the mom goes down to the lake to get sexed up by snakes.
Now, it’s only a matter of time before Dad figures out what’s going on
probably because his wife keeps hissing during orgasm
if she even has orgasms
which is a legitimate question because what kind of sexually satisfied woman
goes out cruising for snake-booty
and then the other legitimate question
is where is the booty on a snake?
there is pretty much no part of a snake that you could call a butt
I mean i imagine poop comes out somewhere
unless they’re like hummingbirds
but my friends
there is a very large difference between a butt
and a BOOTY
so I guess my problem is
how do you objectively judge the sexiness of a particular snake?
are you just like “oh man
look at those cold lifeless eyes and skinny ineffectual tongue
hey cobra commander
why don’t you come on over here and pass some of my aromatic particles to your vomeronasal cavity
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
These are the sorts of thoughts that this woman’s husband does not have
because he is too busy freaking out that his wife is getting sexed up by snakes.

so what he does is he goes down to the lake when his wife’s not around
and he kills all the snakes, and chops them up
and makes them into soup and takes them back home and FEEDS THEM TO HIS WIFE.
Then he cuts off her head
tells his children to run away
and ASCENDS TO HEAVEN.
This is probably history’s most eventful divorce.

But apparently getting decaptiated didn’t used to kill you in ancient times.
Because what Momma does then, is she gets FURIOUS that her husband is leaving her
so she tears off her butt
and sends it flying after him to go bring him back
but her ass is too fat, so it can’t catch up with him
and meanwhile she sends her head rolling after her fleeing children
like “Come back, kids. I want to suckle you with my boobs.”
And the kids are like “You can’t fool us, you’re just a head.
Heads don’t have boobs!
We are babies! We know about boobs, ok”
Then they grab onto a heron and fly across a river
and the mom tries to do the same thing
but the heron just picks her up and drops her into the river, like a dick
and then she turns into sturgeon
which makes me a lot less excited about eating that kind of fish.

Anyway, Wisakedjak manages to calm his little brother down
after what is admittedly QUITE A FIASCO
and then he immediately abandons him to go kill a bunch of monsters
and while he is off doing that
his little brother turns into a wolf for some reason
and then gets kidnapped and skinned by water snakes
and his skin gets hung in the doorway of their tent.
Of course, when Wisakedjak hears about this he is none too pleased
so he uses all of his accumulated monster-killing skills to bust in and kill the chief of the water snakes
who then get REAL pissy and cause the world to flood
which is yet ANOTHER reason why that might have happened.

So the moral of the story
is that there is never a good reason to marry someone with a detachable butt.
It might seem neat
like, you might think you’ll be able to hide your drugs in there or something
but you’ve gotta plan ahead, my friend
for when you have to decapitate them for fornicating with snakes and then ascend to heaven.

The end.

Ohonamochi is an Impressionable Youth

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So I know y’all go cuckoo for norse myths
but right now I feel like telling Japanese myths
so you are just going to have to make friends with your inner otaku
pull up a pair of distended raccoon testicles
and get comfortable
because now this is happening:

So Susanoo
He’s the rough and rowdy storm god who gives 0% fucks about everyone
but somehow he has found someone willing to touch his lightning penis
and as a result, he now has A BUNCH OF KIDS
ALL OF WHOM ARE GODS
BECAUSE JAPAN CALLED, AND IT NEEDED A FEW MORE GODS.
Anyway, one of these gods is named Ohonamochi
which means “Great Name Posessor”
which is sort of cheating, as far as naming someone is concerned
I mean I have never seen an Oscar nominated feature film
called “Film With An Extremely Appropriate and Poigniant Title”
you don’t get to take that shortcut, Susanoo.
And ANYWAY
if this guy has such a great name
then how come when he and his eighty brothers go out courtin’
(Yes, he has eighty brothers.
Are you surprised?)
Mister Great Name over here is the one who has to carry ALL THEIR BAGS?
Also, as a side note
why are eighty bodacious Japanese gods
all going out to court A SINGLE HOT CHICK?
It’s not like there’s a shortage of goddesses to choose from.
Or maybe there is…
MYTHICAL JAPAN:
PERHAPS THE ULTIMATE SAUSAGEFEST?

Anyway
Ohonamochi is carrying the bag for all his awful bros
and they prank a rabbit so hard that it becomes SERIOUSLY INJURED
and Ohonamochi feels bad for the rabbit and heals it using his god powers
and then the rabbit is like “Thanks dude!
Turns out I am ALSO a god
BECAUSE SERIOUSLY EVERY LIVING THING IN JAPAN IS A FUCKING GOD RIGHT NOW
so I am going to give you holy dibs on that princess your bros are all going to try and woo!”

So then they all get to where the princess is
and the princess predictably refuses to marry ANY OF THESE DUDES other than Ohonamochi
so Ohonamochi’s bros get understandably pissed
and they decide to pull one of their patented HIGHLY INJURIOUS PRANKS.
So what they do is they go up to Ohonamochi and they’re like “Hey dude
we need you to catch this giant red boar up on that hill over there.
If you don’t, we’ll totally kill you.”
And then what they do is they carve a boulder to look like a boar
and then they set it on FIRE
and then they roll it down the hill
and when Ohonamochi tries to catch it
LIKE AN IDIOT
it burns him so bad that he dies.
PURE HILARITY.

Okay, wait
they got him to do that by threatening to kill him
and the end result was that they killed him.
Are these dudes just so hard up for laffs
that they couldn’t have just beaten him to death the regular way?
I mean, there’s EIGHTY OF THEM.
But actually, killing Ohonamochi is harder than you might think
because this dude has a super committed mom
who goes to a bunch of other gods
and gathers up all the necessary god-honey and magic juice necessary to resurrect her son.
So Ohonamochi comes back to life
and the first thing he does is go back and hang out with his murderous bros.
THREE MINUTES ALIVE
ALREADY MAKING TERRIBLE PLANS.
So his bros are like “Alright bro, welcome back.
We triple dog dare you to stand in the middle of this tree we split down the middle
and then we are going to remove the wedge that is holding the tree apart
and it is going to crush you.”
And Ohonamochi is like “DURR, OKAY.”
So he dies AGAIN
and his mom gets him brought back to life AGAIN
and this time he has the presence of mind to not hang out with a bunch of murdering dudes.
Instead he hides from them in the Land of Trees
which seems like an odd choice for a guy who just got killed by a tree
but anyway, after wandering around for a while
he ends up at SUSANOO’S PALACE
and this chick called Princess Forward
immediately locks eyes with him and then ten seconds later they’re married.
She is called Princess Forward for a reason.

But Susanoo is having none of it.
I think he has maybe even forgotten that Ohonamochi is his son
because as soon as he finds out about this marriage he’s like
“YOU WANNA MARRY MY DAUGHTER?
HERE’S WHAT YOU GET:
YOU GET TO SLEEP IN THE SNAKE HOUSE.”
Yeah, Susanoo is the kind of guy who builds a snake house
just so he can tell people to sleep in it.
But luckily, Princess Forward has some kind of magical snake-repellant scarf
so she just gives that to Ohonamoci, and he’s fine.
But then the next day
when Susanoo finds out he’s survived
he’s like “OKAY WELL GOOD JOB
NOW YOU GET TO SLEEP IN THE CENTIPEDE HOUSE.”
He’s apparently got a whole collection of houses full of terrible, terrible things.
But apparently, Princess Forward has a matching collection of scarves
because then she just gives Ohonamochi a centipede-repellant scarf, and he’s fine.

So the NEXT day, Susanoo decides to get a little creative
and instead of finding another terrible house for Ohonamochi to sleep in
he just fires a magic arrow into the middle of a swamp
and he’s like “Alright, dude, go get that arrow for me.”
So Ohonamochi goes into the swamp
and then Susanoo sets it on fire.
WHY DOES OHONAMOCHI KEEP DOING THESE THINGS PEOPLE TELL HIM TO DO?
LITERALLY NONE OF THEM HAVE TURNED OUT WELL.
IT IS LIKE THIS DUDE IS ADDICTED TO TERRIBLE DECISIONS.
But LUCKILY there is this hyperintelligent tribe of mice in the swamp
that find Ohonamochi and show him where to hide from the fire
and then dig up the arrow and bring it to him
and then he crawls out of the swamp, all gross and covered in soot
and he gives the arrow to Susanoo like “Now what?”
And Susanoo is like “Well, I have all these centipedes in my hair.
I don’t know why they’re in here.
Maybe because I live on an estate attached to a CENTIPEDE HOUSE.
Anyway, they are getting on my nerves
so I need you to remove them for me.”
And Ohonamochi predictably agrees.

But then PLOT TWIST
once he has lulled Susanoo to sleep with expert scalp massages
he proceeds to remove no centipedes at all
and instead tie all of Susanoo’s hair to different parts of his house
and then run away with Princess Forward
along with Susanoo’s sword, and his bow, and his magic harp.
But it turns out that a magic harp is a terrible thing to try and steal
because it knocks against something and then THE WHOLE EARTH RESOUNDS WITH ITS CALL
and then Susanoo wakes up
but he is tied to his house by the hair, so he doesn’t do a very good job of chasing them
and instead he ends up just standing in the doorway of his ruined house
yelling at his fleeing son, like “GREAT JOB, DICK.
WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND USE MY MAGIC SWORD TO KILL YOUR BROS
AND THEN TAKE THE NAME ‘GREAT MASTER GOD OF THE LAND’
AND SET UP A SWEET TEMPLE AND RECREATE THE EARTH AND STUFF?
HOW ABOUT THAT, ASSHOLE?”
So that’s exactly what Ohonamochi does
because he always does what people tell him to do.

So the moral of the story
is if all your friends are telling you to jump off a bridge
you probably SHOULD do it
because underneath all that rushing water and death
is a bunch of IMMORTALITY AND SEXY LADIES.

The end.

HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEEN

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Yeah ok I know it’s not technically Halloween
but there seems to be this weird, totally agreed-upon rule
that in the Adult World
(by which i mean the period of time
between when you can legally purchase alcohol
and when you begin actually having life responsibilities)
That regardless of when Halloween is
it is actually on a Saturday
because i guess most people in the Adult World
have foolishly organized their lives in such a way
that they can’t just be drunk and wearing sexy nurse outfits ALL THE TIME
yeah, fuck, right?
I totally got taken by surprise
much like the dude in this story you’re about to hear

MEET ICHABOD CRANE
he is one of those dudes who has the misfortune
of having a name that perfectly captures how ugly he is
dude is seriously like a scarecrow with body image issues
and not the kind of body image issues a scarecrow SHOULD have
i mean like the really really fashionable kind of body image issues
hey have you noticed that nobody ever seems to have like
reverse anorexia?
like where no matter how much they eat
they just don’t feel fat enough?
My suspicion is that these sorts of people do in fact exist
but that there existence is being covered
by MacDonalds and the liberal media

anyway, Ichabod Crane definitely doesn’t have reverse anorexia
although he is kind of disturbingly obsessed with food
but we’ll get to that
right now what is important is that he is a schoolteacher
in a tiny dutch town called Sleepy Hollow
which sounds like a really cutesy euphemism for daterape
and all the hot babes are totally into him
because he knows how to read and READING IS SEXY
DO YOU HEAR THAT LADIES?
WASHINGTON IRVING SAID IT IT MUST BE TRUE
COME OVER TO MY HOUSE I OWN AT LEAST LIKE FOUR BOOKS.

okay so anorexia, schoolteacher, hot bitches.
done done and done
what else do I need to tell you before we get to the murder part?
(^Spoilers)
Oh ok yeah
So even though Ichabod Crane has his pick of the crop
as far as ladies are concerned
(and also as far as actual crops are concerned
cause he gets to live with the farmers and totally mooch off them
and actually I think Ichabod views ladies and crops kind of the same
like he is always looking at pumpkins and imagining pies
and then looking at ladies and imagining giant lady-pies
in fact I think Ichabod Crane might be a cannibal
WOULDN’T THAT BE SPOOKY?)
he sets his grotesque bug-eyed sights on the hottest lady of them all
I don’t remember her name
I doubt Ichabod does either
considering the fact that he describes her to himself as
“plump as a partridge;
ripe and melting and rosy cheeked as one of her father’s peaches…”
Anyway, what’s important is that she is hot
or at least delicious
and also her dad is fucking loaded
with huge tracts of land
covered in all kinds of idyllic dutch farmer shit
most of which is also edible
which is a big plus for Ichabod Crane’s VORACIOUS METABOLISM
oh hey did I tell you this guy likes food?
He likes food guys
he uh
he really enjoys it.

but the problem is that this hot chick is also being courted
by Gaston from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast
except he’s dutch now for some reason and his name is Brom Bones
whatever
history is crazy sometimes
just go with it
But this strapping hunk of man can do nothing to stop Ichabod
despite a truly vicious campaign of practical jokes
because Ichabod gets himself hired as the chick’s singing instructor
and quickly goes about establishing a totally inappropriate student-teacher relationship.

all of this comes to a head one night
when Hot Chick’s dad has a really bangin party at his place
and Ichabod gets all dressed up and heads over
and busts such incredibly sick moves on the dance floor
that he is briefly mistaken for Shiva
and he is wowing Lady Hotness so hard
he is certain that tonight is the night he’s gonna get some
(and by “get some”
I mean “inherit all her lands
then sell it all and move to Kentucky”
because oh yeah
Ichabod is kind of a dick)
but then SOMETHING happens
I don’t know what it is
maybe he takes his dick out too soon
maybe he tells her she is a plump partridge and she takes it wrong
but whatever it is
by the end of the night Hotness makes it very clear that she is not going to take it any way at all
wrong or otherwise
and Ichabod has to get back on the shitty horse he stole from some farmer he’s staying with
and ride home in the spooky darkness

oh fuck guys I forgot all this backstory i was sposed to tell you
okay real quick
there’s a dude around here who rides on a horse and has no head
they say he got his head shot off with a cannonball in the war
but that’s bullshit
how would he still be alive
anyway, Ichabod is riding through the woods and he sees that guy
and he’s all “OH SHIT” and starts trying to get away
but his shitty horse malfunctions
and the horseman hits him in the head with a pumpkin and he dies
or at least disappears
although later some people say they saw him in New York
running for political office
which i guess fits
plenty of vampires in politics
oh and also Brom Bones acts really shady about the whole thing
so uh
who knows what happened!

I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
Ichabod Crane failed to spit sufficient Game
and the universe punished him for his lack of mojo
WITH DEATH

and that, my friends, is the moral of the story
so tonight, when you find yourself rubbin up against a nice honey
with whatever sexy bumps or nodules you find particularly attractive
remember
that if you do not spend the night at this person’s house
TONIGHT
you will be murdered on your way home by ghosts.

THE END.

There Are Not A Lot Of Things Odin Won’t Do For Secrets

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Alright guys
the format for my book is getting finalized
and unfortunately part of that finalization
means eliminating myths that are making me go over the page count
but your loss is your gain, actually
because that means that any myths I have to take out of the book
i can put up here
like for example
this one
So here’s a little story that illustrates just how different the Norse gods are
from ALL THE OTHER GODS EVERYWHERE:

So Odin, right?
He’s the Allfather
king of the gods
chopped up his giant dad and fed him to the sky.
Dude has friends in high places is what I’m saying
and all of those friends in high places
they are all WAY overshadowed by the high place that Odin is at
which is a big tower
equipped with a chair
that lets him check out ANY PERSON at ANY TIME
so if anyone is going to be omnipotent
it’s gonna be him, right?
WRONG, SUGARTITS.
THIS IS THE NORSE PANTHEON
WHERE EVEN YOUR PRECIOUS GODS SUCK ASS AND DIE.

Observe:
So Odin is a guy who likes knowledge.
He will do pretty much anything for knowledge
all the way from reading the entire encyclopedia
to this one time
when he NAILED HIMSELF TO A TREE.
YGDRASSIL, THE WORLD TREE, to be precise.
How does one even nail one’s self to a tree?
At a certain point I feel like you run out of hands to nail yourself with
although I guess Odin is the Allfather
and the least the Norse can do for their Allfather
is give him extra hands to help CRUCIFY HIMSELF WITH.

So why is he doing this?
Well apparently he is doing this in order to invent writing.
Yeah
he has to sacrifice himself
TO HIMSELF
in order for some invisible switch to flip in the universe
and unlock writing for everybody.
He has to sacrifice himself for NINE DAYS to do this
and during that time he does not eat or sleep or anything
and he only stops when the nails actually RIP THROUGH HIS BODY
and he falls down onto the ground
screaming
like you do when you’ve been nailed to a tree for nine days.
And then he knows all these runes
like the runes for increase and power and war
and most importantly
SEXUAL PROWESS.
Yep, guys
Odin stapled himself to a tree-stump for a week and a half
in order to make his dick work more efficiently.
That’s commitment.

So the moral of the story
is that you are not trying hard enough in bed.

The end.

Imagine You’re Receiving Oral Sex From Pinnochio And Then You Ask Him How Pretty You Are

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that last myth reminded me of this little doozy:

So this dude buys some wood
so far so good
he’s a carpenter, that’s what he do
where problems start happening is when he starts sawing that shit
and the wood is all OWW FUCK STOP THAT
and the carpenter is not a fucking sadist
so he sells it to someone who is:
GEPETTO THE HOBO
yeah this dude is so poor
that apparently the sole means of income still available to him
is puppeteering.
my friends
you know you have sunk low in this life
when your get-rich-quick scheme
is making little wooden midgets punch each other in the head

but so gepetto takes this wood home and starts whittling it
and all of a sudden this huge wooden dong starts growing out of it
and he figures that would only be useful for a certain kind of puppet show
so he quickly turns the block of wood upside down and makes that into the nose
but things soon take a turn for the worse
because when Gepetto is done whittling
what is sitting there in front of him
is a fucking FULLY SENTIENT TALKING PUPPET
like, this dude just invented Chucky
and what’s worse is that Gepetto HATES children
but that’s okay, because apparently Pinnochio hates everybody
so he immediately runs away and gets caught by the cops
probably fucking up a poodle or something because puppets don’t have souls
and then the cops turn around and arrest Gepetto for wooden child abuse
and Pinnochio is all alone in the house with all these knives and shit
and that’s when we are introduced to Pinnochio’s lovable Conscience,
Jiminy Cricket!

So pinnochio throws a hammer at him and he dies.
Then he burns his feet off in the fire to see what pain is like
then when gepetto gets out of jail he tells him he needs new feet
and also that he has decided to go to school
even though puppets can’t learn
then he pawns all his schoolbooks to see a puppet show
even though he could just look at himself in a fucking mirror for free
PINNOCHIO IS A FIRST CLASS CITIZEN IS WHAT I’M SAYING

then for some reason the puppeteer at the show gives pinnochio like 500 bucks
and this fox and this cat see him and they’re like YO
DID YOU KNOW THERE IS A CITY IN A FAR OFF LAND
CALLED IDIOT CITY
AND IF YOU BURY YOUR MONEY OUTSIDE OF IT THEN A MONEY TREE WILL GROW??
HERE, WE WILL SHOW IT TO YOU AND ON THE WAY WE WILL ROB YOU
and Pinnochio is a puppet, so he sees no problem with this

so they go traveling
and the fox and the cat try to rob him
which doesn’t work because he hides the money in his mouth
then they try to hang him
which doesn’t work because he is a puppet
and then the author realizes he’s gone like a million pages without any fairies
so this blue fairy shows up and scares off the filthy animals
and pinnochio is like “hey let’s be siblings”
because puppets have no concept of how families work
which is what makes them such efficient serial killers

so they decide to buy a house
but they need to make a down payment
so the blue fairy is like “do you have any money bro?”
and Pinnochio is like “what? no, i just got mugged”
and SPROING
it turns out that pinnochio has a secret disonesty fetish
that makes his dick-nose expand every time he fibs
man, doesn’t fib just sound like something really gross?
like man I went to take the trash out the other day
and there were these two naked hobos
just fibbin’ away at each other like a couple of scabby polecats
hm
maybe it’s only gross when it’s embedded in a really gross sentence.
ANYWAY
the blue fairy tells him to stop telling all those sexy lies
and he grudgingly obliges
and then the fair summons a flock of dick-dick birds
i mean woodpeckers
to whittle down Pinnochio’s raging lie-boner
and they buy the house and invite Gepetto to live with them

but then things are going to well, so the fox and the cat come back
and they’re like HEY PINNOCHIO DO YOU REMEMBER THAT MONEY TREE?
and he’s like YEAH
LEMME GO BURY ALL THE REST OF MY MONEY RIGHT QUICK
and then obviously those filthy animals steal it
and pinnochio goes to prison for being so stupid

but then he gets out of prison
he gives a snake a stroke and pranks the shit out of some dogs
and then goes back to his cottage
and EVERYONE IS GONE
the fairy is dead and Gepetto has been eaten by a shark
and pinnochio nearly drowns trying to follow him to his watery grave
and wakes up in a slave labor camp
where he has to work for the blue fairy
who is not only not dead apparently
and also his sister
but is now also his mother i guess?
cause that ain’t weird
and he’s so relieved that she’s not dead
that he agrees to go to school so he can become a real boy
except who the fuck is he kidding
who wants to be a real boy
when being a fake boy means you can’t be lynched
and you can burn off your feet in a fire and just buy new ones
and I assume this is why Pinnochio mainly uses his schoolbooks as projectile weapons
and then runs away to a vast carnival of sex, booze, and cigars
just like any real boy would

but then there’s some weird thing where the carnival turns him into a donkey
because fun is evil
and then he gets sold to a butcher
who tries to drown him
but then fish just eat all the donkey skin off him
and then he leaves
consequence-free, once again
all thanks to his wooden body and conspicuous lack of a soul
HONESTLY I DO NOT KNOW WHY THIS GUY WANTS TO BE A REAL BOY

so then Pinnochio is swimming in the ocean
and he manages to get himself eaten by a giant shark
which normally I wouldn’t consider an achievement
except that this happens to be the same shark who ate Gepetto
who is still living inside of it, on a giant boat which it also ate
(this, obviously, is why I was reminded of Jonah and the Whale)
and then the shark dies, obviously
of malnutrition
due to its apparent inability to digest anything it eats
coupled with an unfortunate tendency to eat things like boats
and pinnochio and Gepetto escape
and they end up working for a farmer
who has a donkey who actually used to be one of Pinnochio’s bros
back at the carnival, you know
and after long months of ceaseless labor
Pinnochio takes the 40 cents he has earned at this fucking sweatshop farm
and goes into town to buy himself maybe some food or something
but then he runs into a snail who says the blue fairy is sick and needs cash
and Pinnochio believes him
because snails are naturally trustworthy
because why would you spend like 36 hours crawling over to the corner
if you were going to fucking fib about it
so pinnochio wires her his 40 cents
and then the next morning he wakes up human
with a magic bag full of pimp clothes
and like a million dollars
because… it was time for the story to end?

so the moral of the story
is that being a soulless wooden puppet
may set you up for a life of rad adventures and zero consequences
but in the end
having a human heart
is super overrated

THE END.

Jonah Has a Right To Be Pissed

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I had a dream where Hunter S. Thompson dove into the ocean
to punch a giant shark in the eye again and again
and it reminded me of this myth
enjoy:

so there’s this dude Jonah
it’s not particularly clear who he is or where he’s from
he’s just another living canvas
for God’s continuous mural of divine jack-assery
so basically Jonah is minding his own business one day
and god shows up like JONAH
JONAH
THERE’S THIS CITY I DON’T LIKE CALLED NINEVEH
GO TELL THEM THEY’RE GONNA DIE
and Jonah is like Aw hellll no
i know how this story goes
you tell me to go fuck over this town
and then my wife disobeys some arbitrary rule you set
and turns into some kind of tasty breakfast seasoning
no
fuck this
i’m going to tahiti

so Jonah hops the first ship to tahiti
probably hoping to get out of God’s jurisdiction or something
but God is not like vampires
he can cross running water
so no sooner is Jonah on the boat
then god starts stirring up a WHOPPER of a storm
and all the sailors are losing their shit
or more accurately, tossing it overboard
and meanwhile Jonah is just taking a nap belowdecks
so the captain runs down and is like DUDE, JONAH
WHAT THE FUCK DUDE WHY ARE YOU NAPPING
GET UP HERE AND TELL GOD TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN OR SOMETHING

So Jonah gets up on deck
and it turns out that what everyone is doing
is rolling dice to see whose fault this is
and Jonah rolls a natural one
so everyone is like “alright dude, you gotta fix this”
and Jonah is like Oh, well that’s easy
just throw me in the water and God will chill out
he can’t get over the fact that I wouldn’t yell at some dudes for him
and the sailors are all like Welp
okay!
and then they throw him into the water and the storm stops
the end

oh wait no there’s more stuff I lied
so Jonah is in the water
and God rents this MASSIVE FISH to go eat him
but it’s not very good at eating
so it just swallows him completely intact
along with enough air for him to survive for THREE DAYS
(click here for highly plausible evidence that this actually happened
SPOILERS: it’s because jesus said it happened)
and Jonah is sitting in there like Alright God
you got me, buddy
you’re pretty great
sending giant fish after dudes and causing storms and shit
I’ll totally go tell dudes they’re going to hell or whatever
really whatever you want as long as you let me out of this whale
and god is like ALRIGHT DUDE
PREPARE TO BE WHALE VOMIT
MY MERCY IS TRULY GREAT.

So Jonah figures he can’t escape this time
and instead goes straight to Nineveh
where he tells everyone they’re gonna die for their sins
and they should stop sinning all the time
and guess what?
EVERYONE LISTENS
IMMEDIATELY
they all stop eating and start wearing shitty clothes
including the king
who literally, when he hears the news
stands up
strips naked
puts on a burlap sack
and sits down in some dirt
and god is like NICE
ALL IS FORGIVEN

and Jonah is like …What?
You trapped me in the stomach of a sea animal
for THREE DAYS
to get me to yell at a city full of dudes who were just gonna convert anyway?
What the fuck, man?
And what’s even so great about not eating and wearing shitty clothes?
Why is that a thing you like?
And god is like OK I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA BE LIKE THIS
JUST SIT DOWN FOR A MINUTE AND CHILL OUT
LET ME GROW A NICE PLANT OVER YOUR HEAD TO SHELTER YOU FROM THE SUN
and Jonah’s like Well that’s sort of a nice thing to-
PSYCHE, says god, GONNA MAKE WORMS EAT THAT SHIT TO DEATH WHILE YOU SLEEP
WHO’S THE GOD, MOTHERFUCKER? WHO?
and Jonah’s like Holy shit, man, what is your problem?
and God is like U MAD BRO?
and Jonah’s like Just kill me now, seriously
and God’s like NOPE.

So the moral of the story
is if you are trying to escape god
go by train.

THE END.

Freyr Cocks It All Up

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Feeling kinda sentimental today guys
so i’m just going to say
that I deeply appreciate y’all showing up here all the time
and assisting me in my project of mythological self-education
I started this thing as an excuse to learn a bunch of myths
like the way Neil Gaiman does, or other literary heroes
and then to shout said myths real loud into the internet
and you guys are largely responsible for the continued success of this project
so yeah, thanks

ANYWAY let’s talk about some really huge mistakes a guy made

What guy, you ask?
I will give you a hint:
HIS NAME IS IN THE TITLE OF THE POST
and to say he cocks it all up
really does not do justice to the sheer baby-in-a-blender incompetence
displayed by Freyr in this tale

so one day Freyr is out dicking around
the way you do when you’re a god
like really
what else are you gonna do?
none of these people seem to have jobs
basically it seems like the universe is run by a bunch of fucking trust fund babies
which really, now that I think about it, explains a lot

SO HE’S DICKING AROUND
and he sees a hot chick named Gerðr
I am not sure how he sees her
seeing as she lives all the way in Jotunheim
and I don’t know how she’s a hot chick
since her mom, Angrboda
is also responsible for birthing a giant wolf, a giant snake, and HELL
but somehow a bunch of improbable circumstances line up here
and he catches her in a really flattering light or something
and that light flatters Gerðr SO HARD
that it sends Freyr into a love coma

now, you know how it is when your friend is in a love coma
how it is
is that you cannot think of anything
except how much you wish your friend would stop being in a fucking love coma
so to that end, the gods get together
and they convince Freyr’s servant Skirnir
to go find out why his boss is being an emo bitch right now
and that’s what Skirnir does.

So Skirnir’s like Yo Freyr how’s it hangin
and Freyr is like DROOPY AS SHIT, MY FRIEND
I am trying to get all up on this chick Gerðr
but the problem is that I’m a huge pussy and I don’t know how to talk to girls
bro
will you be my wingman, bro?
and Skirnir’s like YES

Here’s the problem, though
Skirnir
is
A BASTARD
he’s like Oh man I’ll totally get you laid, dude
but first you have to hook me up with sweet loot
give me your magic sword, and I will deliver the tits

FOOTNOTE:
FREYR’S SWORD IS SOME SERIOUS MOJO
it is a sword that fights ALL BY ITSELF
seriously, you don’t even need to be there
you could go away
get a sandwich
come back, hey
more murders happened!
Honestly I don’t know why everyone doesn’t just get these
but if only one person is gonna have one
I guess it makes sense that it would be Freyr
because if you are too much of a pussnexus to talk to girls
chances are that you are also not too good at single combat
because nothing more closely resembles dating
than single combat
maybe that’s just me
maybe not everyone you’ve ever dated has brought landmines to the first date
if so then you can just disregard this aside
and go on with your PERFECT FUCKING LIFE.
BACK TO THE STORY AT HAND:

So Freyr agrees to these shitty terms
which is probably a good thing overall
because the sword only works if you’re wise
and any dude who would trade away a magic sword for boobs is definitely not that
and then Skimir goes away
and uses even more skeezy bargaining powers to convince Gerðr that this is a good idea
like, despite the fact that the dude who is apparently so into her
doesn’t even give enough fucks to show up himself
and then Gerðr and Freyr get married
and they live happily ever after
until ragnarok comes and Freyr dies because he doesn’t have a sword
man, I really wish there was an effective way to slowclap on the internet.

So the moral of the story
is that everyone is already knows
about bros before hos
but even more importantly in the long run
broadswords before broads.

THE END.