Last week I told you about what a larcenous lardass little Krishna is
so today I feel it is only fair
to explain to you why it is
that his foster momma Yasoda lets him get away with this shit
(spoilers: it’s because he’s a god)

Basically what it comes down to
is that butter is not the only thing Krishna is constantly stuffing in his mouth
matter of fact
there are few things Krishna WON’T shove through the ol’ tooth-hole
seriously, if you cut open the child-god’s stomach
it’d be a cross between candyland and a dead shark
mountains of sugar-butter just barely obscuring old boots and tires and less immortal children
so naturally Yasoda starts to get a little worried
cause she’s supposed to be taking care of this kid
and he’s just eating whatever shit comes his way
she’s never seen him eat actual shit, but she knows it’s just a matter of time
and at this time, Kansa is still king
so the department of child welfare is under his control
so she can’t afford another complaint from the neighbors

all this to say
that she gets a little paranoid about what Krishna is putting in his mouth
so one day she sees him out in the garden with a big handful of dirt
chewing thoughtfully
and she runs over like KRISHNA YOU SPIT OUT THAT DIRT RIGHT NOW
and Krishna is like what
what dirt?
and she’s like THE DIRT THAT IS IN YOUR MOUTH, YOU LITTLE PRICK
and he’s like I ain’t got no dirt in my mouth
and Yasoda is like oh come on you impudent baby
you are clearly eating soil right now
and he’s like no i’m not
and she’s like okay, prove it
open up your mouth and let me look inside
and NO SWALLOWING
(it just occured to me that there are probably a lot more situations in life
where you are encouraged to swallow, as opposed to discouraged
just something to ponder)

so Krishna is like fine
and he opens his mouth
and Yasoda looks inside
and sees
THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE
like there’s the earth
and space
and the ghosts of christmas past present and future
high-fiving the flying spaghetti monster
and Jesus and Sekhmet are having a boat race
and Cthulu is there
and there are supernovas going off all the time
and cosmic dust, and everybody’s embarassing secrets
all the shit you haven’t done yet, but could potentially do if you were drunk enough
plus all the booze to make it happen
plus all the oxygen
all the carbon
all the hydrogen, helium and goldfish snack crackers necessary for life as we know it
plus a really big gross tongue
and Yasoda is like
whoah

so Krishna closes his mouth
and Yasoda is like okay so obviously you’re the lord of the universe
that is what that means
but you know what else that means?
it means you were LYING, you little shit
you totally have dirt in your mouth!
you have literally ALL OF THE DIRT IN YOUR MOUTH
then she bends him over her knee
and spanks the crap out of him
it takes a while
there is a lot of crap to spank out.

So the moral of the story
is that you shouldn’t put everything you encounter in your mouth
but if you have everything in your mouth already
you’re pretty set
what I mean is, there’s always a loophole
and sometimes that hole is your mouth

the end.

So I told you a story last week
about how Krishna evaded a non-consensual abortion
with a mind-bendingly biological version of the cup-and-ball trick
and I’ve already told you about the lady who tried to kill Krishna shortly thereafter
using the unlikeliest/sexiest of all weapons:
her tits
but what I haven’t told you
is why all these people want Krishna dead.
see, according to a number of reliable sources
Krishna
8th incarnation of the lord of the universe
is a little prick.
allow me to illustrate:

Krishna loves butter
i mean he loves butter
like I feel as if we all know people
whose eating habits are so poor
that they might as well just be eating nothing but butter all the time
but Krishna is actually going whole hog on this losing proposition
he’s cashed in his god status for a set of teflon arteries
and is proceeding to further grease those arteries
with gallons and gallons of pure, high-octane butter

this would be marginally more okay
if Krishna had, like, a job
where he made money that might allow him to purchase butter
but Krishna has discovered a neat life hack called “stealing”
that allows him to slurp from the unlimited buttertrough
FREE OF CHARGE
ALL DAY EVERY DAY
HE DOESN’T NEED TO SLEEP OR ANYTHING EVEN
BECAUSE REMEMBER
HE’S A GOD
HE IS A GOD AND THIS IS WHAT HE IS DOING WITH HIS TIME.

now I don’t know how familiar you guys are with stealing
but generally it makes the people you are stealing from pretty mad
especially if in addition to stealing
you are also doing things like letting out their cows
and pissing on their floors
and pinching their babies if they don’t have any butter for you
real high-efficiency dickery, you know?
so finally everybody in town gets together
and they go over to Krishna’s foster mom Yasoda and they’re like Yo
your son is a menace
he’s stealing all our butter and there’s nothing we can do
we try hanging it up high
and he stands on the shoulders of his friends
we try hanging bells on the butter to warn us
but he commands the bells to be silent
we try putting the butter in pitch-dark rooms
but he ILLUMINATES THE ROOMS WITH THE DIVINE EFFULGENCE OF THE MANY PRECIOUS GEMS ON HIS BODY
LADY
WHY IS YOUR SON COVERED IN DIVINELY EFFULGENT GEMS
WHY IS HE USING HIS SUPERPOWERS FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF EATING OUR BUTTER
WHAT THE HELL LADY

and Yasoda’s like yeah I know
I know okay
you think he’s not stealing my butter too?
he steals my butter the worst of all!
he’s like a regular Jerry Mouse up in my cow product
and if I call him out on it
like hey kid you stole my butter
he’s just like I have no idea what you’re talking about
and if I point out the fact that he is literally COVERED in butter
he’s like oh that
yeah
well it’s probably your fault anyway
so then I tie him to a pillar, like you do in these situations
but the rope won’t fit
so he has to tie it for me
and then he looks at me all innocent and he’s like hey mom
if we own everything in our house
then how could I be stealing butter?
and I’m like KRISHNA
YOU ARE A FUCKING TODDLER
YOU DON’T OWN SHIT
THIS IS MY BUTTER, STEP THE FUCK BACK
and then he’s like But Mother
I’m tied to this pillar
I cannot step anywhere at all
AND GUYS
I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE JEWELS COME FROM EITHER
THEY’RE JUST KIND OF THERE
UGH

now I wish I could tell you that at some point Krishna learns his lesson
and stops stealing butter
and you know what? He does eventually stop stealing butter
but it’s not because he feels bad
it’s because he’s moved on to stealing poontang
(which is a whole other story)
but apparently the whole point of his butter stealing
is to teach everyone a valuable lesson about ownership or something
which is sort of like if I chopped your arm off and ate it
in order to teach you a valuable lesson about cannibalism

so the real moral of the story
is if your kid starts stealing all your butter
just stop buying food for a while
see how long that little fucker lasts

the end.

so a long long long time ago
the world sucked
and gods were pissed
but these particular gods were in India
home to a somewhat chiller breed of god
so instead of just flooding everything and starting over
they decide to send in their MVP to fix their problem

their MVP has a lot of names
like a thousand
seriously, dude has more names than the entire silmarillion
but most of them are irrelevant to our purposes here
so let’s just call him Vishnu
LORD OF THE UNIVERSE
(but only for a couple paragraphs
he’s gonna change names pretty quick)

so vishnu is just hanging out
on a snake in the middle of the milk ocean
when Brahma (another important god type dude)
paddles up in his meditation boat and is like hey man
earth is fucked right the hell up
I’m tagging you in
and Vishnu is like chill out dude
I know all about that shit
i was actually just making arrangements to get born down there
so I can simultaneously fix everything/steal massive quantities of butter
and Brahma is like oh awesome

and true to his word
Vishnu flies down to earth and shoves himself right up in some lady’s womb
this is not difficult for Vishnu
not only is he the god of everything
but he’s totally pulled this type of womb-foolery before
seven times, in fact
and each time he comes out as a different type of dude
with a different personality and everything
so for those of you keeping score at home
Vishnu is basically a cross between Jesus Christ and a Time Lord

but apparently even seven practice wombs have not made Vishnu very good at target selection
because the womb he selects belongs to a lady named Devaki
who happens to be in prison
because her brother (king Kansa) received a prophecy that said Devaki’s eighth kid would kill him
and prison is a tried and true method of dealing with this.

So Devaki is just chilling in her prison cell
pumping out babies like crazy
and Kansa is straight murdering all those babies
even though none of them are the eighth baby
and I assume that being able to count is a prerequisite for kingship
like, it’s definitely a prerequisite for being a count
and a king is a lot higher up on the food chain
but maybe not
maybe he just has his counts count shit for him
maybe that is the true secret of feudalism.

ANYWAY
Devaki gets up to baby number seven
and I guess she’s finally figured out that Kansa is going to murder her babies
so what she does
and this is really brilliant
is she takes her womb
and stuffs it in her friend rohini’s womb
like a pre-natal turducken
and rohini sneaks away with a covert baby inside her
and secretly gives birth
TO VISHNU??
no idiot
this is only the seventh baby
vishnu has to be the eighth baby because the eighth baby is the special one
plus we still have to come up with another name for him
because names are awesome

So Devaki tells Kansa that she totally miscarried on baby number 7
so Kansa isn’t sure whether the next baby will count as baby number 8
but it doesn’t really matter cause he’s just going to kill it regardless
plus it doesn’t really matter because Devaki just GAVE HER FUCKING WOMB AWAY
so it’s not like she’s gonna have any more babies
RIGHT?

WRONG
cause when your baby is Vishnu
LORD OF THE UNIVERSE
you need wombs like you need a hole in the crotch
I mean
wait
no you still need the hole though
but anyway so Vishnu just crawls into Devaki’s anti-womb
becomes Krishna
THINLY-DISGUISED LORD OF THE UNIVERSE
and then shoots out her snatch and out of the prison
before he can get snatched by Kansa and Ko and turned into baby powder
then he goes to live with his foster mother Yasoda
who just gave birth to another goddess, that being Durga
and they hang out and have crazy adventures
and eventually Krishna does kill Kansa, obviously
but all of that is a whole other story

the moral of this story meanwhile
is that most ladies DON’T have detachable plumbing
so if someone locks you in a room and says they’re gonna kill all your babies
perhaps abstinence is worth considering?
or at least the rhythm method?
like for real, six dead babies?
that’s a barbershop quartet and a half
think about THAT, you monsters.

the end.

So I have a desk
this desk groans under the weight of many a mythological tome
and from time to time i will select a tome at random
and plunder it for material
one of these books is called The Giant Book of Myths And Legends
and it’s sort of like the costco bulk toilet paper of mythology
like if Kirkland sold myths, this is the book they would sell
i’m not saying it’s bad
it’s just repackaged with a generic brand name and sold in quantity

so this is the book I opened up today
only to discover a story entitled
THE COUTESAN WHO WORKED A MIRACLE
HELL YES
and now, dear readers
i shall pass the savings on to you

so there’s this sage
he thinks he is the hottest shit since Danger Curry Night at Yoon’s House of Rectal Torment
and he is standing in front of a bigass crowd
all of whom concur re: the hotness of his shit
and he is further convincing them of his fecal febrility
by yelling smart words at them
he’s like “GUYS
Truth is great and everything
like, the emperor can pull mountains of tits out of thin air with the power of his sincerity
but that Truth doesn’t mean shit
unless the emperor actually produces the tits, see?
like, truth is fine and everything
but ACTION is where it’s at”
(Sidenote: this story takes place in a parallel universe
where being honest gives you superpowers)

and everyone is like YEAHHHH
except for one chick who is like NAWWWWW
and everyone is like WHAAAAAT?
and she’s like “Ok listen
I am a courtesan
which means I am a prostitute but with better jewelry
which means I am essentially a currency exchange that converts dollars into sex
my exchange rate is pretty good my friends
but this is not a sales pitch
this is a total verbal beatdown addressed to mister lavashits up on the podium
so point one:
I think we can all agree that charging a flat rate to let a dude touch your jibblies
is not a super pure thing to do
right?”
and everyone is like RIGHT
but they also think this lady is kind of a babe
so they say it in a polite way
and she’s like “Okay, so since I’m all impure and shit
I should not be able to … for example … turn the Ganges river backwards?”
and everyone is like “WHAT
NO
OF COURSE NOT”
and she’s like “okay
well I just did
also I gave you all handjobs without you noticing”
and everyone is like “WE ARE SMITTEN”
except the sage
who is like “…”

so the emperor is up in his castle
and he’s like “what the hell
the river is suddenly flowing backwards
this is terrible
everyone will die from the ecological consequences
i have to get to the bottom of this!”
but the only bottom he gets to
is the courtesan’s bottom
and he’s like “guhhhh”
and she’s like hey buddy my eyes are up here
what do you want
and he’s like “How you make river go backwards”
and she’s like “With the power of truth”
and he’s like “Okay well I’m familiar with that power
I have been known to use it to produce tits from thin air
but it seems like our city’s resident boner-silo should not be able to use it
you know
because her soul is too weighed down with all those boners”
and the courtesan is like “Look bro
I am what I am, and that’s all I can be
if a dude comes up to me and gives me cash money
and is like hey, I would like this money’s equivalent value in sex
I do not ask him where he went to college
or how much his dad makes
or any of that social status bullshit
I ask him whether he would like the lights on or off
and how he feels about pegging
and then we do it, and it’s awesome.
WHAT IS MORE TRUTHFUL THAN THAT?”
and the emperor is like “well normally i’d find a way to disagree
but you seriously just turned the whole river backwards
and I need you to turn that back around now so everyone doesn’t die
so uh
you win!”
and the courtesan is like “SWEET!
Now who wants their dick sucked from behind?”
and everyone lives happily ever after

so the moral of the story
is that it’s really hard to tell a lie
when there’s a dick in your mouth

the end.

Alright guys
so there’s a rumor going around about this book I am writing.
Well here’s the deal guys:
Because of the way publishers work
(which you should not ask me to explain, because I do not know)
My book is not going to be coming out until NEXT MARCH
so you are going to have to sit tight and try not to forget I exist
FOR LIKE A YEAR
which is bullshit, I know
but sometimes life is bullshit
sometimes it isn’t, though
sometimes it is hilarious and filled with rad explosions
like for example in this hindu story:

So fertility potions, right?

We’ve all heard of them
mostly while perusing our spam folders
but did you know
that shit is for CHICKS ONLY?
Yeah, dudes are not supposed to drink that stuff
sorry dudes
mannyxx74.horselegs@dickheaven.cx was lying to you.

Perhaps I should explain.
See back in ancient hindu times
this random dude gets the Brahmin to make a fertility potion for his wife
but then he gets thirsty/amnesia and just drinks it himself
and gets PREGNANT
and then has to have THE MOST BRUTAL C-SECTION.
Yeah
it’s not pretty.

But what IS pretty
is the son what gets birthed out his meathole.
This son is named King Muchukunda
because even before he is smart enough to stop shitting himself constantly
this dude is A-1 king material
the prevailing theory being
that there was no sissy vagina to wussify this baby out
which honestly I think is pretty sexist.

ANYWAY
true to form, it is not long before Muchukunda is king
and he is SUCH A GOOD KING
that the gods at one point get fed up with their constant war against demons
and they’re like “Hey Muchukunda
solve this for us?”
Dudes
if you are ever in a position where gods hit you up for advice
i feel like you have either won the universe
or found a universe with really weaksauce gods.
Maybe the two go hand in hand.
Whatever
the point is, Muchukunda solves the demon problem permanently and with the greatest of ease
so then the gods are like “Damn, dude
you just killed all the demons.
That’s more we could do in ALL OF OUR INFINITE LIFESPANS
HOW ABOUT SOME BOONS FOR THIS KING OVER HERE.
WHAT KIND OF BOONS WOULD YOU LIKE?
MEGABOONS, OR ULTRABOONS?”
and Muchukunda is like “Well actually
I’m pretty tired after solving all your problems.
I think I just want to go take a nap
FOREVER
AND ANYONE WHO WAKES ME UP GETS SET ON FIRE BECAUSE I WILL HAVE HEAT VISION.”
And all the gods are like “Okay, yeah, that sounds fair.”

So they put Muchukunda to sleep
and they give him heat vision and bury him under a mountain.
They don’t even pull a dick move and put him in the middle of like
a busy intersection or something
where he would constantly be getting woke up and setting dudes on fire
even though that would be hilarious
because these are GODS
not some bullshit genies.

So years and years and megayears pass
and Muchukunda is STILL asleep
and meanwhile that big hunk of ultragod, Vishnu
manages to get himself incarnated as this little rascal named Krishna
and since Krishna is basically just some dude-shaped godsauce
he has no problem becoming king of most of the things that are nearby
nearby the KNOWN WORLD, that is.
Anyway, shit is pretty sweet
(not literal shit
although maybe yes
they SAY Krishna’s kingdom was a utopia
although I don’t know if I’d EVER want to eat shit
even in a utopia
wait
ESPECIALLY in a utopia.)
until suddenly a barbarian shows up
and Krishna could just crush him with god powers
except instead he decides to be a rapscallion about it
and lure the dude into a cave
and then hide
and the cave he picks
happens to be where MUCHUKUNDA IS SLEEPING

so the barbarian lord busts into the cave and he’s like HA HA
THOUGHT YOU COULD DISGUISE YOURSELF AS A SLEEPING DUDE, DID YOU?
THAT IS SO STUPID I SHOULDN’T EVEN CONSIDER IT AS AN OPTION.
OH WELL, TIME TO WAKE YOU UP WITH MY SWORD.
So he does
and then Muchukunda incinerates him with his heat vision
and then he turns around to incinerate Krishna
because really it’s all Krishna’s fault
but then he realizes who Krishna is
and he’s like oh man
I almost made a BIIIIG mistake
i guess I better go outside and see what the world is like, huh?

so he does
but it turns out everyone just got real short
and he gets tired of bumping his head on doorways
so he moves to the mountains and becomes a sage
and probably takes many more successful naps.

so the moral of the story
is you need to get off your ass.
Come on
you can sleep when the gods grant you a boon after you destroy ALL THE DEMONS.

The end.

Okay so check it out

back in india land back in the day
there was this bigass demon called Mahish
he is a buffalo demon
which is apparently a pretty potent kind of demon
because he is invincible
and he has an army of like a million other demons
I had no idea
although I guess that explains why buffalo wings are SO GODDAMN delicious

but so all the gods are pretty upset about this
because you gotta understand guys
demons are to the hindu gods
as giants are to the norse
they simply cannot abide all these demons up in here
it is like how you feel when you have ants in your house
except the ants are as big as you and they shoot fire out of their eyes
it is actually pretty easy to sympathize with these hindu gods

but so like I said Mahish is impossible to kill
so the gods are like oh shit what do we do
and then Shiva is like whoa whoa whoa i have a great idea
how about we all put our heads together and beat this thing
and the other gods are like that’s what we’re doing already
and shiva is like no dude
like actually put our heads together
like cut our heads off and fucking glue them to each other
make a big boomerang out of heads
and just throw it at him and we can yell insults at the same time
and everyone is like okay
while that sounds like a great idea
maybe we should try to use parts of our bodies other than our heads
so what they do
is they take six of Vishnu’s arms
glue them to two of Brahma’s feet
and staple that octo-nonsense to SHIVA’S FACE
and the resulting Megazord of Ultimate Badassery
is named Durga
which means
INVINCIBLE

so durga floats on down from space
or wherever it is that gods live
let’s call it space
and she lands right in front of Bison Oshaugnessy
and his army of demon hipster chicks
and she’s like hey Bison
what’s good
you should take stock now of what is good
because soon
nothing will be good
nothing at all
and the Bison is like OH YEAH?
BITCH I AM INVINCIBLE
HAVEN’T YOU HEARD
I AM SO INVINCIBLE
THAT I WENT TO A COMEDY CLUB
TALKED FOR THIRTY MINUTES ABOUT MY CAT
AND I COULDN’T EVEN DIE ON STAGE
and durga is like uh
you keep tootin’ your demon horn over there bison buddy
I’m gonna go grab a glass of milk and you can call me when you’re done
oh are you done?
okay well uh
BITCH YOU CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO ACTIVATE THE NEURONS
NECESSARY TO COMMUNICATE TO YOUR LEG-MUSCLES
THAT THEY MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER
THE PREPARATORY STAGES
OF ATTEMPTING
TO STEP TO ME
OH LOOK AT YOU
ALL INVINCIBLE AND SHIT
SON WHILE YOU WERE BUSY APPENDING INVINCIBILITY TO YOURSELF AS A FUCKING ADJECTIVE
I WENT AHEAD AND MADE IT A PROPER NOUN
AND THEN USED IT AS MY
GOD
DAMN
NAME
WHAT NOW
COME ON
WHAT
and Mahish doesn’t say shit
because just looking at all of durga’s arms gave him an aneurism and he died

so the moral of the story
is that two heads are better than one
especially when those two heads are welded to a whole bunch of pissed-off arms

The end.

Okay I got bored of Greek myths so here’s a short one from India

alright so Krishna right?

He’s got some enemies
obviously
it’s hard not to have enemies when you’re a one man fiasco engine
running around cockslapping demons like it’s a drive-by orgy
but that doesn’t explain why Krishna has already started accumulating enemies
AT ZERO YEARS OLD
that’s right
this dude has not even learned not to shit himself at random
and he is already stocking up on nemeses
and what’s more
the particular nemesis in question right now
is his EVIL UNCLE KAMSA
i’ve heard some pretty good excuses for disowning family members
but having an Evil Uncle Kamsa pretty much tops the list

so what Kamsa does
is he pays this demoness named Putana
seriously
she’s named Putana
which means the people who wrote this myth either didn’t know any spanish
or totally did and thought it was hilarious
but anyway Kamsa pays this bitch to kill Krishna in his crib
so what Putana does is she dresses up like a cowherd lady
or maybe just a cow
i’m not entirely sure
but either way she just rolls into Krishna’s room and starts breastfeeding him
like HEY KID WANNA MOUTH MY TITS?
but see as you probably guessed
demon milk is WAYYYY POISONOUS
so baby Krishna is about to get a mouth full of boobs and arsenic
not a bad way to go honestly

but Krishna is having none of it
he figures out right away that there’s something wrong with these gazongas
so what does he do?
he proceeds to suck on them SO HARD HE EXTRACTS PUTANA’S SOUL THROUGH HER NIPPLES
YEAH
PRETTY SEXY
PRETTY WEIRD
and then she dies and then the poison doesn’t even have any effect
and Krishna just goes ahead and embarks on a career of wanton asskicking
and everyone is pretty grossed out by the whole thing

so the moral of the story
is the way to a woman’s soul is through her nipples
i always suspected this but now I know for sure

THE END.

first of all guys
if you live less than four hours away from Hollywood, CA
there is still time to come see me and other rad dudes perform
it is at 8PM tonight
and the address is 4319 Melrose Ave, Hollywood CA 90004
and it’s free and there’s cake
second of all
I am going back to using all the cusses now
Saturday was a failed experiment and i apologize
no wait actually fuck you i’m not sorry
this is my website and you can eat a leprotic dick

BUT OKAY SO RAM RIGHT

he goes back to his dad’s kingdom with his dirtwife Sita
and he helps his pops rule the land for like 12 years
but then daddy Dashratha gets super senile and junk
and he’s like welp
time to appoint my successor
obviously it is Ram
everybody loves him and he is my eldest son and whatever
but OH NO
this stupid bitch of a handmaiden Manthra decides to shit all over everyone’s party
by going to her mistress Kaikeyi
who is one of Dashratha’s wives
but not the one who pooped out Ram
and being like HEY KAIKEYI
IF RAM BECOMES PRESIDENT HIS MOM IS GOING TO BE THE ULTRAMOM
AND YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO SUCK BECAUSE OF THAT
and Kaikeyi is like oh shit you’re right
better do my best to fuck everything up
this is what happens when you have three wives
it is a tradeoff though
because you also get access to six tits
a sextet of tits
also known as a sextits
not to be confused with sexitis
which i think speaks for itself

but anyway
luckily for Kaikeyi and unluckily for EVERYONE ELSE
she saved Dashratha’s life in some battle back in the day
and he was like DAMN GIRL I TOTALLY OWE YOU TWO WISHES
BECAUSE I AM SO DELIRIOUS FROM BLOOD LOSS I THINK I’M A GENIE
OR AT LEAST TWO THIRDS OF A GENIE
so Kaikeyi is like oh husband
i’m finally gonna call in those wishes you promised me back in the day
i never cashed them in before because i anticipated that i might be able to use them
to fuck you over
so here goes
WISH ONE: my son Bharat gets to be king
WISH TWO: exile Ram
okay listen you steaming twat
you solved your problem with the first wish
the second wish could have been for anything
a sex robot
a gun that shoots out parties
the moon, but with a cock
ANYTHING
and you chose to needlessly exile your stepson
or is it a stepson if he is the son of one of your husband’s simultaneous wives?
or is it like
an unson
or a cocknephew or something
modern terminology does not account for this situation
maybe i should ask some mormons?
this is not a joke i am honestly curious

but so anyway
Ram finds out he’s exiled
and he’s like welp
guess i’m gonna go be poor somewhere now
oh and by the way Kaikeyi doesn’t specify how long he’s gotta be exiled for
so for some reason he ends up getting exiled for 14 years
i guess that is the standard length for exiles
and Ram is a little awkward about explaining this to his wife Sita
like hey babe
so uh
instead of being rich and the queen
you are going to get to either hang out here and get abandoned by me
or frolic in dirt and filth for 14 years
at the end of which
who knows?
but Sita is super chill about everything
just like yeah whatever i was sick of being rich anyway
let’s go die of dysentery together
and then Laxman busts in like DID SOMEBODY SAY THREESOME
and Ram is like naw bro
no one said threesome
but you can come with us anyway if you want

so the three of them go to poortowne for a while
and meanwhile Dashratha dies of sad and old
and then Bharat comes home
oh yeah
i forgot to tell you
BHARAT WASN’T EVEN IN THE KINGDOM WHEN HIS MOM DEMANDED THAT HE BE MADE KING
HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE KING FROM WHEREVER THE FUCK HE IS
THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE CELLPHONES YET
AND FAX MACHINES ARE A WAYYYY INEFFICIENT WAY TO RUN AN EMPIRE
but anyway he gets home
and he’s like aw mom what the fuck did you do
i don’t even want to be king
Ram was supposed to be king
and now my dad is dead
great job shitting in everyone’s milk you fucking harpy
now i gotta go get Ram back and be exiled in his place
like some kind of slick indiana jones switch
but with exiled sons instead of bags of sand and priceless statues
i’m sure the law won’t notice the difference
especially since I AM CURRENTLY THE DUDE RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING THE FUCKING LAWS
so he goes and finds Ram
and he’s like come be king dude
and Ram is like naw bro
gotta go ahead and stupidly adhere to a pronouncement my dad was coerced into making
i’m sure you understand
and Bharat is like no not really
but here’s what I’ll do
I will just go ahead and keep the throne warm for you until you get back
and meanwhile i will live in a fucking dirt hut as penance or whatever
and keep your sandals on the throne
to indicate that you would totally be king if you weren’t being a prick about this
so basically for fourteen years
no one is happy
but then after that I guess Ram comes back and everyone is happy

so the moral of the story
is I don’t care if your wife knocks you out from in front of a fucking TRAIN
reward her with sex
not wishes

the end.