THE MAD BEGGAR CHOU TIEN

This comes courtesy of one of the books on my desk
and also china, I guess

So Chou Tien is a pretty normal dude
but then he turns 14
and he gets the flu so bad he goes crazy
and his family doesn’t want to catch the crazy
so they make him go live on the streets forever

Chou Tien isn’t sad about this, though, cause he’s a crazy person
he just spends all day every day telling everyone how great life is
and every time a new dude becomes president
he just walks into that dude’s office
and he’s like “hey dude
life is great
welcome to being president!”
and the presidents just LET HIM DO THIS
because ancient China predates the secret service

but Chou Tien is wrong
life sucks in china at this point in history
because the mongols are there
and they are not down with the peasants
they are so afraid of a rebellion in fact
that they don’t let anyone have any weapons
and people have to share like 1 kitchen knife per seven houses
I KNOW
IT SUCKS

but so one day this dude name Chu Yuan-chang shows up
to tell the peasants to start killing mongols
and Chou Tien comes up to him like “good times ahoy!”
and Chu is like “I LIKE YOUR STYLE, SIR
PLEASE
COME WITH ME AND BE MY MILITARY ADVISER”
and that is exactly what this crazy homeless guy does

so Chu is about to fight a battle
not with the mongols, mind you
but with another rebel leader
because he uh
he got a little sidetracked
and he’s like “Yo crazy advisor
what are my chances of winning this battle?”
And Chou Tien yanks his head out of a jug of booze
and is like “Good times ahoy!”
and Chu Yuan-chang is like “GREAT!”
and that shit gives him the confidence he needs
to go out there and win the battle
and then become president!
(You should know that when I say president
I actually mean emperor
you cannot become president just by being good at war, guys
that is silly and never happens)

So Chu Yuan-chang is president now
and he’s freaking out
because he’s like “Chou Tien helped me become president
he could destroy me just as easily!
Like … like what if…
what if he starts saying BAD TIMES AHOY?
HOW WOULD I DEAL WITH THAT?
Oh, simple
kill him”
So he has his guards go get Chou Tien
and he’s like “Alright dude, sorry, gonna kill you”
and Chou Tien is like “Aw dude
major party foul
you can’t kill me
I’m immune to fire and water and weapons”
But of course this is exactly the kind of thing a crazy homeless guy would say
so Chu Yuan-chang just ignores him
and the way you ignore people in ancient China
is apparently to put them in a giant iron pot and cook them to death

so seven hours later Chu opens the pot
to try some of the delicious hobo soup he’s been making
except he gets surprised pretty good
cause Chou Tien is still super alive in there
NAPPIN’
And Chu is just like “okay fuck this
get thee to a nunnery”
but he doesn’t mean nunnery
he means buddhist monastery

so Chou is in the buddhist monastery
and all the monks are sposed to keep an eye on him
but a couple weeks later all the monks show up at Chu’s castle
like DUDE
we CANNOT HANDLE this rowdy hobo ANY MORE
shit is IN-TIGGITY-TOLERABLE
and Chu is like alright let me see what’s up
so he goes down to the monastery
and Chou Tien is running around doing mad kickflips and kegstands
tracking dirt all over the noble eightfold path
pissing on everyone’s nirvana
and Chu Yuan-chang suddenly realizes
that he is not going to get anywhere with this guy
and why the fuck did he even hire him in the first place
so he’s like “Hey Chou”
and Chou is like “Yeah Chu?”
And Chu is like “Name anything you want
I will give it to you in exchange for getting the fuck out of my face”
and Chou is like “WHAT A COINCIDENCE
ALL I WANT IS TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR FACE
SERIOUSLY DUDE WHY ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME
I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TELL FANTASY FROM REALITY”
and then he goes away and lives happily ever after
and Chu Yuan-chang kills all his other advisors
because apparently Chou Tien was the only thing keeping him from going off the deep-end

so the moral of the story
is if you want to kill a crazy homeless wizard
use acid
they’re immune to everything else

THE END.

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Chicken Little Is a Little High-Strung

so there’s this chicken
she’s a small chicken and animals don’t understand names
so this little chicken is named Chicken Little
great, off to a grand start
and then Chicken Little is hanging out under a tree
and an acorn falls out of the tree and hits her on the head
and instead of dying or discovering gravity
Chicken Little catapults her whole damn self into PSYCHOBILLY FREAKOUT MODE
so she’s all running around like GUYS GUYS
THE SKY IS FALLING
THE WHOLE DAMN SKY
WHATCHA GONNA DO
and her friend Henny Penny
(who, judging by her name, is tiny, brown, and worthless)
is like I’LL TELL YOU WHAT WE’RE GONNA DO
WE’RE GONNA FLIP OUT AND GO TELL THE PRESIDENT

So that is what they do
and on their way they run into their friend Ducky Lucky
“Lucky” is a kind of a misnomer
because if there was a single wishbone in this poor animal’s body
she would have had the good fortune to totally dodge Chicken Little’s nonsense train
but as it stands
Ducky Lucky stumbles right into fiasco central station
and straight ties herself to the tracks
Chicken Licken and Henny Penny are like THE SKY’S COMING OUT OF THE SKY
and Ducky Lucky is like THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR
MINDLESS PANIC.
TO THE PRESIDENT!!

Then they round up their two other friends
Goosey Loosey, the neighborhood prostitute
and the Turkey Lurkey, the rapist
and then Nostradumbass and her moron quartet
all fly screaming and flailing towards Washington DC

so they get off the airplane in Washington
and they meet this metrosexual fox by the name of Foxy Loxy
and these birds are not very self sufficient
so they decide to ask Foxy Loxy for directions
and Foxy’s all “Don’t worry guys
hop into my windowless van and I will take you right to the president”
Then he eats all the birds in his windowless van.

So the moral of the story
is don’t do a thing
just cause a fox told you to.

THE END.

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Odin Starts Acting a Little Zeusy

(Below this post is a post about how you should buy shirts)

Today’s myth comes courtesy of crafty norse monster
Lisa “Big Bad” Wolfsson
and it is about rape, murder, and technicalities

Okay so Baldur
he’s dead because of some bullshit Loki did
but instead of blaming it on loki
(as anyone who has read the NORSE CRISIS FLOWCHART rightly would)
they decide to blame it on Hodor
the dumb blind idiot who threw a spear into his brother’s chest
… okay I guess that’s fair, though.

Anyway
when you get blamed for shit in norse mythology
you don’t get off with just a slap on the wrist
you get off with a slap in the HEART
and by slap i mean KNIFE
but this raises a serious problem
which is that the norse are duty-bound
to execute this terrible revenge algorithm
wherein any dude who kills another dude
is fair game to be killed by the dead dude’s family
so anyone who kills Hodor to avenge Baldur
is gonna get cut up by Hodor’s family
and then the dude who cut up THAT dude is gonna get cut up
and on and on
til the break of ragnarok

But Odin is no fool
dude gave up his RIGHT EYE to not be a fool
which still seems to me like a pretty fucking foolish thing to do
but maybe that’s why he’s so wise now
like he took his eyeball out of his head
and then dropped it into a well
and was like “damn
that was seriously fucking silly
maybe I should stop making dumb decisions forever”
so what he does
is he digs up this dead chick
and he molests her skull
until she tells him
that what he needs to do
is get some russian princess pregnant
and then force her one-day-old baby to murder hodor
thus absolving everyone of responsibility

okay I think maybe the norse just have a different definition of dumb decisions

so Odin dresses up in some armor
and he goes over to russia to seduce this chick
(whose name is Rind)
and he gets mad respect from Rind’s dad by being a sick warrior
and then finally he’s like “hey rind’s dad
i would like to fondle your daughter’s tits”
and the king is like “yeah ok”
and Rind is like “HIGGITY HEL NO”
and smacks Odin right back to Asgard

This is where a wise person might have just abandoned the mission
but Odin is turned on by wanton violence
so instead he disguises himself as a jewelsmith
and goes back to Rind like “Hey girl
I will give you all this sweet jewelry
if you jump up and down on my wang”
but instead of that
Rind proceeds to jump up and down on Odin’s FACE
and not in the sexy way
because apparently not everyone is as much of a goldslut as Freyja

So finally Odin realizes
this chick must be a lesbian
and with that in mind
he disguises himself as a woman
and gets a job as Rind’s chambermaid
but he’s not taking any chances this time
so first he uses some magic runes to make her sick
and then he’s like “Hey king
I have a special potion that will cure your daughter
but it tastes so bad we’ll have to tie her down before i give it to her
and also you have to leave me alone in the room with her
for uh
science”
and the king is like “WHY YES THIS IS NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL”
and then Rind gets mysteriously pregnant!

Fast forward nine months
no sooner has Rind popped out this baby
then Odin is like YOINK
HERE BABY HAVE THIS KNIFE
and he duct tapes a knife to this baby
and throws it at Hodor
who is so bummed about killing Baldur
that he doesn’t even try to avoid the knifebaby
plus he’s blind, I think
and then he’s dead
and no one has the guts to kill a knifebaby
so Odin just totally gets away with this bullshit
and to make up for all the crafty rape
he steals Rind away from all her friends and family
and forces her to live in Asgard forever with her murder child

so the moral of the story
is that he who wants to be without sin
should cast the first knifebaby

THE END.

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Gamblin’ Hans

So there’s this guy Hans
he has a gambling addiction
and this is no normal gambling addiction
this addiction is straight up and no joke
SUPERNATURAL
let me explain:

So one night
two dudes show up at Hans’s house
like “hey man we were just passing through
we need a place to crash for a couple days”
and Hans is like “Sorry dudes
I have literally gambled away 100% of my possessions
I don’t even have food or a bed”
and the two dudes are like “oh that’s no problem”
because what Hans doesn’t know
is that these two dudes
are Saint Peter
and GOD.

Wait
what the fuck
what are these guys doing here
don’t they have more important things to be in charge of
like guarding the gates of heaven
and ADMINISTRATING THE FUCKING UNIVERSE?
and even if they’re on vacation or some shit
one would think that the creator of everything
might be able to secure fancier digs
than a GAMBLING HOVEL
so I guess the only explanation is that this is some kinda test

and sure enough, here comes the test
God gives Hans 20 bucks
and he’s like “alright dude, go get us some pizza”
but on the way to Pizza Hut
Hans passes the casino where he lost all his money
so now it’s decision time:
does Hans go buy pizza for god
or does he spend his 20 bucks on roulette?

GUYS I TOLD YOU HE HAD A GAMBLING ADDICTION
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE DOES
so God and Saint Peter start to wonder where Hans is at
and they go find him at the casino
like “hey what happened to our 20 bucks”
and Hans is like “uh
A BIRD STOLE IT
FUCKING BIRDS, AM I RIGHT?”
and while god DOES hate birds
he knows that Hans is full of shit
so he reaches into his back pocket of divine justice
and he pulls out
ANOTHER 20 DOLLARS
and he gives it to hans
like “Alright dude
watch out for birds this time.”
Wait what?
I thought this was a test
but it turns out it was just that god had too many Jacksons
and he needed some unreliable dude to help him get rid of them

but it turns out sorta okay
because Hans DOES come back with pizza this time
and then they eat their pizza and god is like
“hey man
thanks for the pizza
I probably could have gotten it faster myself
but apparently I am terrifyingly lazy
so as a reward for this errand
how about I give you three wishes?”
and he figures Hans will just wish to get into heaven
because i mean
eternal paradise is a pretty sweet deal
for a ten-minute pizza run
that you DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO PAY FOR
but instead
Hans immediately wishes for
a deck of cards that will never lose
a pair of dice that will always win
and … a fruit tree
that grows any kind of fruit imaginable
and uh
anyone who climbs up it needs his permission to get back down
because honestly
three wishes
is a lot of wishes to use up rationally.

so god is like whatever
and he and saint peter go back home
and meanwhile Hans proceeds to gamble SO HARD
that within a year
he literally owns HALF OF THE OBJECTS ON EARTH
and saint peter is up in heaven
and he’s like “whoah
god
I think we may have started some problems
by giving this pathological gambler infinite luck”
and God is like “whoa really?
why are people even still gambling with this guy?
You’d think they would’ve caught on by now.
Whatever, let’s just send Death after him.”

So death shows up at Hans’s palace
like “Yo dude, time to die”
and hans is like “Yeah man lemme just finish this hand
in the meantime
why don’t you climb up that fruit tree and get us some pineapples”
and death is like DURR OKAY
and then he climbs up the tree
and he can’t get down unless hans says so
so suddenly no one can die
FOR SEVEN YEARS
just like in that other story
and serious overpopulation shit starts to happen
and up in heaven Saint Peter is like “whoa
god
it seems like your death plan kinda backfired”
and god is like “shit, seriously?
why did death even want a pineapple?
we give him all the pineapples he wants down in hell
whatever, i’ll just tell Hans to let death out of the tree”

so God tells Hans to do that
and Hans is like “Okay fine”
and then death jumps out of the tree and strangles him to death
which seems inexcusably inelegant

So Hans dies
and he goes to hell
and he’s immediately like “hey satan
let’s gamble”
and Satan is apparently an idiot
because he agrees
so Hans wins hell
and then he tells all the demons to go ruin heaven
and Saint Peter is like “Whoah
God
it seems that putting a pathological gambler with infinite luck
in the kingdom of ultimate evil
along with another pathological gambler who does NOT have infinite luck
WAS A BAD IDEA”
and God is like “Really?
Shit man, what did Hans even have to bet against Satan with?
Whatever, just let him into heave.”
WHAT

So Hans gets into heaven
and he turns it into a gambling den pretty much immediately
angels are losing their shirts left and right
and that’s great
because have you ever seen pictures of angels?
those guys are fuckin’ CUT
but so Saint Peter looks down on this fiasco
and he’s like “God
buddy
we really need to come up with a more permanent solution for this guy”
and God is like “Well why didn’t you say so?”
And he flings Hans down to earth
and his soul shatters into a million pieces
and the shards all fly into poor unsuspecting dudes
causing gambling addictions
(kind of like how Thetans work)
and that is when Gamblin’ Hans
finally runs out of luck.

So the moral of the story
is there is no justice
only snake eyes

THE END.

THE END.

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Oerestes Is a Ladies’ Man

Whoa guys
I found another play I should have written
Lemme just write it real quick:
(Oh PS I’m gonna start trying to link to my source material on these)

ORESTES BY EURIPIDES

BY FAKE OVID

AHEM

The place is Argos. The time is way-the-fuck-old-times. Electra is here, being dumb because she’s female or something

ELECTRA:
HOLY SHIT I’M SO FUCKING DUMB. IT MUST BE BECAUSE I’M A WOMAN. Oh also my brother Orestes has been crazy for six days now because he killed our mom and I helped. He did that because our mom killed our dad, and she did that because our dad was Agamemnon and he was getting tail from all sides during the trojan war. Oh shit here comes Helen of Troy.

HELEN:
Yo girl you need to get laid

ELECTRA:
Yeah that seems to be working out real well for you so far. Hey how are all those wars you started?

HELEN:
Pretty good. Mostly over now. Hey could you do me a solid?

ELECTRA:
What?

HELEN:
Could you bring these flowers to your mom’s grave for me?

ELECTRA:
What? Why?

HELEN:
Because everyone in the city pretty much wants to kill me. You know, cause of all those wars I started.

ELECTRA:
Fuck you, do it yourself.

HELEN:
Nah. I’ll just make my daughter do it. Her name is Hermione, like in Harry Potter.

So that happens. Oh yeah, and Orestes was napping on the couch this whole time, but now he wakes up

ORESTES:
Hey Electra! I’m not crazy anymore!

ELECTRA:
Dude seriously? You are literally foaming at the eyes

ORESTES:
Oh no you’re right. Still crazy!

ELECTRA:
Fuck this, I’m going inside the castle.

ORESTES:
Wait, we aren’t in the castle? Where the fuck are we, then?

MENELAUS:
No time for that! I’m home from the Trojan war, what’s up?

ORESTES:
Oh not much dude. Just TOTALLY WEASELDICK CRAZY

MENELAUS:
Whoah, why?

ORESTES:
I killed my mom.

MENELAUS:
Go on…

ORESTES:
Dude I straight stabbed my mom in the neck. I’m like overcome with grief

MENELAUS:
I see. When did this grief begin?

ORESTES:
I dunno, probably right around when I set my mom’s corpse on fire.

MENELAUS:
Okay well I’m sure you’ll get over it. Anyway I gotta go bang my hot wife Helen, who everybody hates. See you later.

LATER:

RANDOM SOLDIER:
Holy shit everyone, Orestes just murdered Menelaus’s hot wife Helen, who everybody hates!

EVERYONE:
How unexpected!

RANDOM SOLDIER:
Yeah he was totally stabbing her and then her daughter was there too and then she like disappeared or something and I don’t know I’m pretty high right now. Good thing I escaped all that murder by running away.

ORESTES:
PSYCHE! NO YOU DIDN’T!

SOLDIER:
Oh noooooooo. Hey dude don’t kill me. I think it’s totally cool that you’re killing all these women all the time

ORESTES:
For real? You’re not just saying that?

SOLDIER:
I mean … yeah! Yeah! They totally had it coming or something.

ORESTES:
Sweet! Well, I’m off to go murder more women. Enjoy the rest of your life!

SOLDIER:
You too, buddy.

Menelaus shows up because where the fuck was he all this time

MENELAUS:
Oh no not more bullshit with Helen

ORESTES:
Yeah sorry dude. And now I’m standing on the roof like a supervillain, holding Hermione hostage.

MENELAUS:
Dude don’t kill her, she’s totally defenseless.

ORESTES:
Yeah I know, that’s kind of my thing.

MENELAUS:
Well shit, I’m out of ideas.

So is Euripides! Here comes Apollo, descending from space!

APOLLO:
Hey dudes, it turns out Helen isn’t actually dead. We just noticed that she was causing even more problems and we were like “fuck it, let’s put her in space where she can’t cause any more problems.” So she’s in space now. Sorry about that, Menelaus. You can have Sparta as a consolation prize. Oh and Orestes, you get to marry Hermione.

ORESTES:
Who?

APOLLO:
That girl you were just trying to stab.

ORESTES:
Oh yeah of course. Let’s get married.

EVERYONE:
IT LOOKS LIKE IT ALL WORKED OUT IN THE END.

HERMIONE:
Because women are currency!

CHORUS: The moral of the story is that Euripides probably did not get laid very much.

THE END.

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ELVIS LIVES!

ELVIS LIVES!

Now for those of you who think they don’t make myths like they used to
I offer you one compelling counterexample.
This counterexample is named
ELVIS PRESLEY.
This guy is equal parts Orpheus, Dionysis and Hercules.
(Don’t worry, it’ll all make sense by the end).
I mean, granted, he didn’t start out too great.
Like, his family is super poor
and if I had a nickel for every person who told young Elvis he couldn’t sing
Well, I’d still be nowhere near as wealthy as Elvis
but I’d at least have a little beer money, if you know what I mean.
But when he’s still a wee lad, his parents get him a guitar for his birthday
which he is actually pretty disappointed about
but only because what he really wanted was a GUN
and how American is that?
Anyway, he gets the guitar
and I cannot for the life of me figure out why
but he keeps practicing
even when everyone he runs up on seems intent on finding more and more creative ways
to tell him how bad he sucks.
He just keeps on losing singing contests
and styling his hair with a combination of vaseline and antigravity
until one day he struts into this record studio to record some songs
and he gets DISCOVERED.

Now, there is a reason why this happens
and that reason
is that at this time in ancient American history
white people and black people are not on the best of terms
especially in the south, where Elvis lives.
Like, black people can’t even go to a white people CONCERT, and vice versa.
But there are a bunch of white dudes who REALLY DIG the music black people are making
except they just wish it was a white guy who was singing it, is all
and along comes Elvis, who grew up listening to all this music black people are making
and has, like, the PERFECT VOICE for it
and so the white dudes who own the record label are like “Alright
we can make this work.”

AND MAKE IT WORK THEY DO.
They make it work to the tune of HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS
in a time where a hundred thousand dollars is pretty much an imaginary number
and not only that
but when Elvis starts doing concerts
it turns out that he is also SUPER SEXY
like, he starts waggling his hips because he is actually pretty nervous
but it turns out that with every waggle of his hips
he is also waggling the heartstrings of EVERY LADY IN THE ROOM.
He waggles their heartstrings so hard that they start throwing their underwears at him
and then making him sign his name on their sexyparts
which, in the 1950s, basically means anything above the ankle.
So of course he keeps doing these hip-waggles.
In fact, he starts waggling his hips MORE AND MORE
and it kinda freaks out the people who maybe don’t WANT ladies’ heartstrings getting waggled
like devout Christians and stuff
which is funny, because Elvis is ALSO pretty Christian.
He just happens to be a Christian who likes to waggle his hips is all.

Anyway, all the anti-wagglers in the world are not enough to stop Elvis’s rise to fame.
He gets super rich and well-known, and starts being in movies and stuff
but then DISASTER STRIKES:
Elvis Presley gets drafted into the US ARMY.
But he’s fine with that, because he is a GODDAMN AMERICAN HERO.
So he gets shipped over to Germany for a while
and every time he goes on leave, he pretty much records like a million top-selling records
and meanwhile he uses all of his crazy riches to buy all kinds of sweet gear for his army buddies
like new fatigues, and color TVs, and amphetamines.
He also manages to not get killed, which is good.

Then he comes back home and spends about seven years making TERRIBLE music/movies
until finally he’s like “Wait a second… Didn’t I used to be a total badass or something?”
At which point he puts on a white sequined jumpsuit
fit to outshine the combined glory of Zeus and King Ramses
and he does him some CONCERTS.
I’m sorry, did I say some concerts?
I meant all the concerts.
This guy is pulling off like a hundred and seventy concerts a year!
That is too many concerts!

And as if that wasn’t enough
he is also making constant improvements to his crazy huge mansion on Graceland Ranch
which is located at 3764 Elvis Presley Drive in Memphis Tennessee.
Wait, how is ELVIS FUCKING PRESLEY number 3764 on the street that BEARS HIS NAME??
Well, whatever.
The point is that this house is a modern-day pleasure palace
complete with plush purple drapes
an indoor waterfall
and limitless hamburgers.
Also, Elvis likes to sit in the basement and watch three TVs at once
and then change the channel by shooting the TVs WITH GUNS.
CHANNEL SURFING WITH GUNS IS PERHAPS THE MOST AMERICAN ACTIVITY THERE IS.

And as if THAT wasn’t enough
Elvis also gets wayyy into KARATE.
Yeah, he starts learning all these deadly moves
and jumping around and doing karate chops on stage
and at one point, some dudes try to bum-rush him during a performance
and he BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF THEM BY HIMSELF.
(Also one of his wives ends up cheating on him with her Karate instructor, so there’s that).

But yeah, mostly he’s doing WAY TOO MANY concerts/drugs.
He’s only about 40
but he is on so many drugs that his age is effectively doubled.
It’s like his circulatory system is the party house that everyone went to when you were in college
where they never had time to clean the poop off the walls because of too many parties.
You know what I’m talking about.
Well, even if you don’t, I’m sure Elvis would have.
He’s just stumbling up to the microphone at these concerts
holding on for dear life
and slurring his words like he’s giving a drunken blowjob to a horse.
It’s not pretty
nobody likes it
and his audiences are getting less and less sexy too.

So after selling over seventy-five million records
and topping even more charts with his albums than with his blood-toxicity levels
Elvis finally goes down.
He dies on the floor of his bathroom in Graceland
with about fifteen different drugs in his system
which is pretty legendary on its own.
But what happens afterwards is even more legendary.

So you remember Hercules, right?
You remember how he died, after a long and storied career
because his wife gave him POISON?
But then he didn’t really die
because the gods took pity on him
and put him in SPACE??
Yeah, I think you know where this is going.
Because Elvis may have died of a drug overdose
but he was such a radical musician
that ALIENS took pity on him
and put him
in space.

And to this day, his worshippers perform his rites
dressing in his traditional garb and re-enacting his greatest achievements
holding massive conventions in his name every year
saying prayers and bringing offerings to his final resting place in the meditation garden at Graceland.
And on top of all that
there’s his name
which is
say it with me now:
THE KING.

The end.

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Billy the Kid is a Precocious Lad

So it’s been a while since I’ve talked about America
let’s fix this
starting with a kid named Billy

So Billy gets born in New York City, way back in the day, to an Irish mom and an invisible dad.
He’s a mischievous little bastard
and by the time he’s like 12, he gets a little too mischievous and gets thrown in jail.
But it’s okay, because in addition to being a mischievous bastard
he is also a little bastard, like I said
so he escapes from prison by crawling out of the chimney
and then he goes WEST.

Now the West is a whole mythical realm all on its own
but let it just suffice to say
that at the time this story takes place
the west was pretty much just a glistening repository of guns, guff, and gumption.
So naturally, a mischievous little bastard like Billy is gonna fit right in.
And FIT RIGHT IN HE DOES.
First he shoots a blacksmith who’s trying to push him around
then he runs off and becomes a cattle rustler/cheesemaker
and then after doing that for a while
he gets hired by this lawyer named McSween to GUARD some cattle
because apparently they didn’t do background checks in those days.

But maybe they did do background checks
because as a cattle guard
Billy’s job description is to basically murder all the dudes who work for the OTHER cattle guys
who, granted, are classic mustache-twirling villains
who do things like shoot people
and then shoot their horses
and then cut off the heads of the horses and put them on the heads of the dudes.
Messed up, I know.

So yeah, bullets fly back and forth between these two posses of bad dudes for a while
and both sides do things that are pretty messed up
but the guys Billy is fighting against are way richer and know way more important government dudes
and also Billy makes the mistake of shooting at some US Cavalry
so in the end, he gets indicted
and has to make a plea bargain to get a pardon
where he totally sells out some of the other dudes in his gang.
But when he comes in to testify
THEY TOTALLY JUST ARREST HIM
so he’s just like “Psh, you guys clearly have not heard about me and chimneys.”
Then he climbs out the chimney and rides away on a horse someone brought for him.

So now Billy the Kid is widely known as a seriously bad dude
and the governor of New Mexico starts offering a really sweet reward for his arrest:
FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS.
DUDE.
Five hundred bucks?!
That’s barely enough to buy five hours with a very classy prostitute…
Wait, okay, I see how this could work.

ENTER PAT GARETT
he’s a buffalo hunter
but that does not mean he cannot also hunt DUDES.
Dudes are basically the same as buffalo
except with less legs and more bullets.
Some people say that Pat and Billy used to be best friends
but normally you do not form a posse to go arrest/kill your best friend for a measly 500 bucks.
Usually it takes like 600 at LEAST
So I don’t know.

Anyway, Pat chases Billy around for a while
while Billy is rustling cattle HARDCORE
and also pranking dudes with his guns
like this one time
when he’s hanging out in a bar
and this drunk jerk is like “I AM TOTALLY GOING TO KILL BILLY THE KID.”
Totally unaware of the fact that Billy is RIGHT THERE IN THE BAR.
So Billy walks up to him
and he’s like “Nice gun. Mind if I take a look?”
So the guy gives him the gun
LIKE AN IDIOT
and then instead of just shooting the dude with it, like a normal badass
Billy goes ahead and rotates the barrel so that the next chamber to fire will be empty
and then gives it back to him
and then he’s like “Oh, by the way, I’m Billy the Kid.”
And the guy is like “WHAAAAAAT” and starts shooting at him
but no bullets come out of his gun, obviously
so then Billy kills him
and everyone is like “Well, that was unnecessary
and therefore TOTALLY AWESOME.”

But all awesome things must come to an end.
One morning, Pat Garett tracks Billy and his gang to a little house on the Prairie
and he barricades the door with a dead horse
and then he starts cooking BACON.
And he’s like “Hey Billy, how would you like to come out and eat some tasty bacon?”
And Billy is like “Hey Pat, how would you like to GO TO HELL.”
And Pat is like “Well I’m sorry you feel that way, buddy.
I guess you can just starve to death inside that house of yours.”
But no one can withstand the smell of bacon for long
so eventually Billy and his gang surrender so they can get some breakfast.

Then Billy gets convicted, of course
for a whole bunch of murders
some of which he probably didn’t even commit
but that’s okay, because the number of murders he’s accused of
makes him a TOTAL CELEBRITY
he gets to go to Las Vegas and do interviews!
Granted, he spends a good portion of the interview denying a lot of those very same murders
but whatever, he’s famous!
Unfortunately, it also means that he gets sentenced to death for his crimes
and the prison where he’s being kept until he gets executed
DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A CHIMNEY.
So I guess he’s just boned, huh?

WRONG.
Because this is when Billy the Kid pulls some straight up action hero shit
like, his guards are walking him over to get executed
and he KNOCKS ONE OUT WITH HIS MANACLES
then he steals that dude’s gun, and shoots the other one in the face
after addressing him with a catchy one-liner BY NAME.
He then has to put off his escape for an hour
while he somehow manages to chew through his leg-irons.

But there is a natural law in the old West.
It is called the Conservation of Gumption.
It states that one man cannot hog all of the gumption for too long
before he has to die and let other people have a turn
and that’s why
three months later
Pat Garett finally catches up with Billy in some random house one night
and Billy goes down like a clown to a bullet in the stomach while yelling “Who’s there?” in Spanish.
At the time of his death, Billy is just shy of twenty-one years old
and according to some (wildly inaccurate) estimates
he has killed TWENTY-ONE MEN.
Dude
even if he only killed like five guys
dude has some serious work ethic.
I mean, I’ve already lived longer than he did
and I have yet to kill anything more intimidating than a spider.
Oh well
to each his own.

But I guess maybe that’s the moral of the story
that if you make a career out of killing dudes
eventually you are probably going to be one of the dudes who gets killed
but also
you will be REALLY AWESOME.

The end.

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Dogs: Great Friends, Terrible Couriers

So have you ever wondered why people have to die?
Well then you are clearly not one of the Kono people of Sierra Leon.
If you were, then you would know:
It’s because of SNAKES.

Okay, lemme back up a little.
So there’s this god named Yataa
(Which, up until now
I thought was just the thing Hiro Nakamura from Heroes yelled whenever he traveled through time)
and when our story begins, he has just gotten done making all the people.
He is super pleased with these people he just made
no problems at all, everything is great
nothing is going to go wrong you could just stop reading now.

But Yataa is one of those guys who can never put down a project
like my dad, or most serial killers
so he’s racking his brains for a way to really kick these dudes up a notch
and finally he’s like “Oh, duh
I’ll just make them immortal.”
But there’s a problem with this
which has been exhaustively explored by, like, a million science fiction writers already:
ETERNAL LIFE DOES NOT EQUAL ETERNAL YOUTH.
And Yataa is not gonna just stand idly by and watch his chosen people get ugly.
No, no, no.
So he gets out his sewing kit
and he pulls some straight-up Texas Chainsaw Massacre shit
by which I mean he sews new skins for everybody.

But that is not the end of Yataa’s logistical problems
because, see, he forgot to invent FedEx
and so if he wants to get this package of skins to his people
he’s got to use the next best thing:
a dog.
So he calls up this dog he knows
and he’s like “Hey dog
I need you to take these skins to my people.
It is very important.”
And the dog is like “WOOF WOOF I AM A DOG YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.”

So Yataa gives his skinsack to the dog
and the dog goes trotting along towards all Yataa’s dudes
but on the way he sees a bunch of his friend chilling by the river.
Let me be clear, guys
the dog’s friends are not other dogs.
They are, in fact, ALL THE OTHER ANIMALS.
So there’s a hippo there, and probably a lion and a gator and a jaguar
and DEFINITELY a snake
because I mentioned those earlier.
This is a very sociable dog, is what I’m saying.
Anyway, the animals are like “YO DOG I HEARD YOU LIKED RIVERS.”
And the dog is like “WOOF WOOF I AM A DOG YOU HEARD RIGHT.”
And the dog goes over and has a drink with his animal pals
and totally spills the beans about how he is carrying this precious sack of skins
and all his friends are totally impressed
except for snake
who is just totally EVIL.

So what snake does
is he starts yawning
and you know how yawns are contagious, right?
Well, snake yawns are some WEAPONS-GRADE SHIT
because within minutes, every single one of those animals is asleep
and then snake just grabs those skins and slithers away
and after that, Yataa totally loses steam, and he is too lazy to make any more skins.
So that’s why snakes get to do that gross thing now where their skin comes off.
Although now I don’t get why their sheddings don’t have arms and legs and thumbs.
Whatever
maybe snake just took the skins to a tailor for alterations or something.

Look,
the moral of the story
is that you should never trust a dog
who hangs out with snakes.

The end.

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Whiskey Jack and the Flying Butt

Guys this myth is totally real I swear
like I found it in a book and whatnot
yes I know the title is a little suspicious
but this is coming from the people who brought you the vagina house
so you’re gonna have to just go with it:

So Wisakedjak grows up in a pretty normal nuclear family.
I mean, normal inasmuch as he has one mom, one dad, and one little bro.
What is abnormal about this family
is that every day, the dad goes out hunting
and the mom goes down to the lake to get sexed up by snakes.
Now, it’s only a matter of time before Dad figures out what’s going on
probably because his wife keeps hissing during orgasm
if she even has orgasms
which is a legitimate question because what kind of sexually satisfied woman
goes out cruising for snake-booty
and then the other legitimate question
is where is the booty on a snake?
there is pretty much no part of a snake that you could call a butt
I mean i imagine poop comes out somewhere
unless they’re like hummingbirds
but my friends
there is a very large difference between a butt
and a BOOTY
so I guess my problem is
how do you objectively judge the sexiness of a particular snake?
are you just like “oh man
look at those cold lifeless eyes and skinny ineffectual tongue
hey cobra commander
why don’t you come on over here and pass some of my aromatic particles to your vomeronasal cavity
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
These are the sorts of thoughts that this woman’s husband does not have
because he is too busy freaking out that his wife is getting sexed up by snakes.

so what he does is he goes down to the lake when his wife’s not around
and he kills all the snakes, and chops them up
and makes them into soup and takes them back home and FEEDS THEM TO HIS WIFE.
Then he cuts off her head
tells his children to run away
and ASCENDS TO HEAVEN.
This is probably history’s most eventful divorce.

But apparently getting decaptiated didn’t used to kill you in ancient times.
Because what Momma does then, is she gets FURIOUS that her husband is leaving her
so she tears off her butt
and sends it flying after him to go bring him back
but her ass is too fat, so it can’t catch up with him
and meanwhile she sends her head rolling after her fleeing children
like “Come back, kids. I want to suckle you with my boobs.”
And the kids are like “You can’t fool us, you’re just a head.
Heads don’t have boobs!
We are babies! We know about boobs, ok”
Then they grab onto a heron and fly across a river
and the mom tries to do the same thing
but the heron just picks her up and drops her into the river, like a dick
and then she turns into sturgeon
which makes me a lot less excited about eating that kind of fish.

Anyway, Wisakedjak manages to calm his little brother down
after what is admittedly QUITE A FIASCO
and then he immediately abandons him to go kill a bunch of monsters
and while he is off doing that
his little brother turns into a wolf for some reason
and then gets kidnapped and skinned by water snakes
and his skin gets hung in the doorway of their tent.
Of course, when Wisakedjak hears about this he is none too pleased
so he uses all of his accumulated monster-killing skills to bust in and kill the chief of the water snakes
who then get REAL pissy and cause the world to flood
which is yet ANOTHER reason why that might have happened.

So the moral of the story
is that there is never a good reason to marry someone with a detachable butt.
It might seem neat
like, you might think you’ll be able to hide your drugs in there or something
but you’ve gotta plan ahead, my friend
for when you have to decapitate them for fornicating with snakes and then ascend to heaven.

The end.

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