Robin Hood Corrupts the Entire Government

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going kinda crazy getting ready for Gen Con
so let’s keep this quick:

So Robin Hood has been being a criminal for a while at this point
and getting away with it
and the king of England
(who in this story is named Richard
and actually has a legit claim to the throne
which makes Robin Hood look less like a cool rebel
and more like just a straight up criminal BUT WHATEVER)
is like “damn
how is this guy continually shitting in the milk of all my tax collectors?
could it be that my tax collectors LIKE having their milk shat in?
is my selection process somehow skewed towards shitmilk enthusiasts?
or is Robin Hood just a really dope dude who would be great to party with?
Occam’s razor suggests that option b is the correct one
but how can I be sure?
OH!
I’ll disguise myself as the one thing Robin Hood hates more than me:
A PRIEST
and then I’ll go hit him up with a bunch of other fake priests
in the middle of his home turf
and then not get murdered and robbed by a band of career highwaymen!
and all of his advisors are like
“…eh”

so Robin Hood is chilling in his baller forest mansion
getting yet another sick neck tat
when one of his boys runs up and is like “HEY
THERE’S A BUNCH OF PRIESTS UP IN OUR WOODS”
and Robin Hood jumps up like “HO-LEE SHIT
LOOKS LIKE I’M GONNA HAVE TO FINISH THIS SWEET NECK TAT LATER
THIS IS LIKE MURDER CHRISTMAS”
then he throws on a pair of roller blades and skates off to meet them.

So the king and all his dudes are walking along
when suddenly Robin Hood hits a sick ramp and does a flip in front of them
and then he’s like “STOP
STOP BEING PRIESTS IN MY WOODS
AND START BEING DUDES GIVING ME MONEY”
and king Richard is like “No dude you misunderstand
we are here to see Robin Hood
we are messengers from King Richard!”
and Robin Hood
who is not nearly as bad at seeing through disguises as everybody else
is like “Uh … huh.
Boy, that sure changes things!
I sure do like the king!
Hey, I bet you guys dig parties, right?
Come party with me, it will be great.”

And that’s what they do
they party ALL NIGHT LONG
they drink so much wine
they eat so much food
Richard is seriously impressed
it’s almost like Robin Hood isn’t giving all his ill-gotten gains to the poor
and is instead spending it on wild parties to bribe government officials
SHOCKER.

Anyway pretty soon Richard is like “Dude I am so hammered
I love you, Robin Hood
what do you say I get you a pardon from the king
will you come work for me I mean him in that case?”
and Robin Hood is like “I SURE WILL DUDE.”
and Richard is like “Great.
Hey
Hey:
I’m actually king Richard”
and Robin Hood is like “WHOA I HAD NO IDEA.
I WAS JUST THROWING YOU A HUGE PARTY BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT
NOT OUT OF SELF-INTEREST OR ANYTHING
anyway thanks for the pardon
let’s go rub it in the Sheriff’s face.”
Then they go into town and eat all the Sheriff’s food
and there’s nothing the Sheriff can do
and then Robin goes to the capitol to pursue what was obviously his true calling all along:
politics

the moral of the story is that lobbying is older than hygiene.

The end.

Robin Hood Takes Care Of His Own, By Which I Mean Other Criminals

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Right so Robin Hood is riding his skateboard through the forest
and he almost runs it straight into this old woman
she is not looking where she is going because she is too busy CRYING
so robin hood whips off his sunglasses and he’s like “WHOA
LADY
Why are you moistening my forest with your tears?
Did the AARP revoke your membership?
Did Walgreens run out of Werther’s originals?”
and she’s like “NO MY 3 SONS ARE GONNA GET HANGED YOU PRICK”
so Robin Hood is like “Whoa
damn lady
what did they do?
punch a couple babies?
fuck a pope?”
and she’s like “NO THEY JUST SHOT THE KING’S DEER THAT’S ALL”
and Robin Hood is like “Oh fuck
THAT’S ILLEGAL????”

Because, see, here’s the thing
Robin Hood shoots the king’s deer like ALL THE TIME
it’s basically all he eats
as far as he is concerned, sherwood forest is one huge grocery store
and all the grocery store sells is deer meat
just a huge shitty grocery store where the food runs from you
and apparently you can get arrested for chasing it.
Now Robin Hood has a keen legal mind
(you need one of those as a career criminal)
and he understands that if he lets these dudes get hanged
for doing a thing he does ALL THE TIME
it is going to set a really bad precedent
(also in some versions the three dudes work for him so there’s that)
so Robin Hood IMMEDIATELY jumps back on his skateboard
and shreds his way to Nottingham

On the way to Nottingham he runs into a Palmer
which is a fancy medieval name for a Pilgrim
which is a fancy medieval name for a dude who wanders from holy place to holy place
asking people for free food and a place to crash in the name of god
so basically it’s what you do if you want to be a professional homeless person
(you can still do this, actually
I did it for a while
it was pretty cool)
so Robin Hood is like “YO DUDE
SWITCH CLOTHES WITH ME
I’LL GIVE YOU 40 DOLLARS”
now this homeless dude is no idiot
he takes one look at Robin Hood’s sweet shades and his leather jacket
and he’s like “Dude, your clothes are fly as hell
and my clothes are fucking flightless
they are like the penguins of the clothing world
so either you’re trying to prank me
in which case fuck you
or you REALLY NEED MY SHITTY CLOTHES for some reason
in which case 40 bucks is a little low don’t you think?”
and Robin Hood is like “FINE
I’LL GIVE YOU 400 BUCKS.
GO GET HAMMERED.”
and the Palmer is like “Way ahead of you bro”

So Robin Hood shows up in Nottingham wearing these nasty clothes
and he runs up to the Sheriff of Nottingham
who has a bizarre medical condition which prevents him from recognizing faces
and Robin Hood is like “Yo sheriff
I heard you’re about to execute some dudes
how much will you pay me to execute them for you?”
Apparently this is a way you could make money in medieval tymes
just show up to executions and offer to press the button
no background check necessary
so the sheriff is like “Yeah dude totally
I’ll give you like 13 bucks, plus you can have their clothes and wallets”
so robin hood climbs up on the gallows where the dudes are
and then he’s like “13 dollars?
I don’t want your thirteen dollars
all I wanna do is blow my horn three times
and summon my huge army of criminals to release these dudes
I don’t know why my plan required getting into this shitty disguise
because I appear to command like ten thousand guys
but it just doesn’t really feel like a caper until I switch clothes with somebody
you know?
Anyway let’s drag the sheriff into the woods and hang him instead of these dudes.
That seems reasonable.”

So that’s what they do
and Robin Hood burns his clothes
leaving him with nothing but an emerald-studded thong and gold nipple rings.

The moral of the story
is that precedent is the cornerstone of the legal system
precedent and murder.

The end.

Robin Hood is the Most Aggressive Wedding Planner

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I might as well level with you
I’m running a Robin Hood themed Leverage game at Gen Con
so I’ve been reading a lot of Robin Hood to get in the spirit
and I might as well get Content out of that research, right?
so here, for your enjoyment
is yet another TRUE CRIME TALE FROM THE ENGLISH WOOD

Right so Robin Hood and his boys are chilling in the forest
like they do all the time
and they see this dude in fancy red clothes
running around
singing
getting his joy on
just generally being gay as hell
but then the NEXT day they see the same dude
and he is all goth’d out
moping his way through the tall grass
no longer even a little gay
and Robin Hood is like “whoa, look at that dude
who prayed his gay away, am I right?
Never fear, I know just what to do:
let’s go rob him.”

So Robin Hood and co jump out of the bushes like “Ha HA!
Got any money?”
and the dude
(whose name is Alan, btw)
is like “No I don’t have any money do I look like I have money?”
and Robin Hood is like “Bummer”
and Alan is like “You don’t even know what a bummer my life is.
I was gonna marry this chick, right
but now all of a sudden she has to marry this other dude
because he’s rich or super handsome or something
all I really know is that it’s unfair.”
and Robin Hood is like “it sounds very unfair, yes
I will get you your lady back for a hundred bucks.”
and Alan is like “dude I just told you I’m broke
but I guess I can be your servant forever or something.”
and Robin Hood is like “YES!
SLAVERY!
YET ANOTHER CRIME FOR ME TO HASTILY JUSTIFY!
Alright dude, you got yourself a deal
now go polish my arrows.”

So Robin Hood rolls into town where the wedding is happening
dressed all fancy and carrying a guitar
and he knocks on the door of the church and the bishop comes out
and Robin Hood is like “Yo I hear there’s a wedding here today.”
and the bishop is like “Yeah I’m gonna do a wedding, who are you?”
and Robin Hood is like “Oh i’m just the best guitarist in the land”
and the bishop is like “YOU’RE EDDIE VAN HALEN?
DUDE! COME IN RIGHT NOW, YOU GOTTA PLAY AT THIS WEDDING.”
and Robin Hood is like “Nuh uh uh
I don’t play at a wedding until I see and approve of the bride and groom
bring them out here right now.”
and the bishop is like “Anything you say mister Van Halen”
so he brings out the chick and the handsome knight she’s marrying
and Robin Hood takes a look at them and he’s like “Nope. Nope.
The chick is fine, but this dude? He is the wrong dude.
I brought a better dude, here he is”
and he pulls out Alan.

So obviously the bishop is upset
he’s like “Eddie Van Halen, you can’t just bring your own groom to a wedding
that’s not how weddings work”
and Robin Hood is like “I’M EDDIE FUCKING VAN HALEN
I WROTE HOT FOR TEACHER
I SMASHED A GUITAR
I CAN MARRY WHOEVER I WANT TO WHOEVER I WANT.
Also I’m actually Robin Hood and I command a small army of thugs
here they are!”
and then all of Robin Hood’s boys show up and the bishop is like “oh my”

So now that Robin Hood has the situation thoroughly in hand
he goes over to the bishop and is like “Your clothes
give them to me”
and the bishop does what he’s told
and then Robin Hood throws the cassock over Little John’s head
and he’s like “Alright Little John
you’re wearing the cassock
you’re the bishop now, you can do the wedding
that is definitely how that works”
and then they go inside the church
and Little John runs Alan and his disturbingly silent wife through the ceremony
he does it seven times just to make sure it sticks
and also because he is not a minister and has no right officiating a wedding.
Then the ceremony is over
and Robin Hood shreds a wicked guitar solo and drowns in sex.

The moral of the story
is if you can’t be
with the one you love
hire a bunch of criminals to strong arm her into marrying you anyway.

The end.

Robin Hood and Friar Tuck are Two Violent Morons

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Okay so Robin Hood again:
Dude is hanging out with his boys in the woods
shooting arrows at shit because that’s all they ever do
and they manage to kill a bunch of animals really fast at great distances
it would be better if they had guns but I guess they like a challenge
anyway Robin Hood is SUPER STOKED about these dead animals
because he loves yeomanry/fucking hates animals
and he starts being like “Man, Little John
you are the best at arrows
I bet I could ride a hundred miles and never find somebody who’s better at arrows.”
But then Will Scarlet
who is sort of the third wheel in the bromance between Robin Hood and Little John
is like “uhh actually …”
And Robin Hood is like “WHAT?
WHAT ACTUALLY?”
And Will is like “There’s this monk over by the river who is –“
“WHO IS WHAT, SHITSMITH? WHAT IS HE?”
“He’s … better at arrows.”
And Robin Hood is like “OH IS HE?
WELL IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE’S ABOUT TO GET …
SHOT DOWN.”
And then he puts on some sunglasses and rides his motorcycle over to Fountains Dale
which is where this Friar is supposed to be.

So he gets to this river
And there’s a friar there.
Seems to be the friar he’s looking for
because he’s got hella armor on and he’s carrying weapons
so Robin Hood does the only sensible thing:
He runs up to the friar and says “CARRY ME ACROSS THE RIVER”
So the friar does the only sensible thing:
He picks up Robin Hood and carries him across the river.
SILENTLY.
Then, when they get to the other side of the river
he turns to Robin Hood and he says
“Carry me across the river.”
So Robin Hood does the only OKAY NO.
NONE OF THIS IS SENSIBLE.
TWO DUDES IN ARMOR ARE TAKING TURNS PLAYING HORSEY IN A RIVER
LIKE A SHITTY MEDIEVAL OREGON TRAIL
THIS IS LIKE IF I SHOWED UP TO A JOB INTERVIEW
AND I WAS LIKE “HEY
INTERVIEWER:
CARRY ME ACROSS A RIVER.”
AND THEN HE DID IT.
BECAUSE GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
As soon as Robin Hood gets the friar across the river
he turns around and he’s like “CARRY ME AGAIN”
and the friar is like “Sure I’ve got nothing going on today”
so he starts carrying Robin back
But then he gets to the middle of the river and he’s like “PSYCHE”
And he tosses Robin into the river
and Robin is like “You FUCK I am going to KILL YOU”
(PS: Why does Robin Hood only seem to make friends by fighting them in rivers?)

So Robin starts shooting arrows at the friar
and the friar keeps deflecting them with his shield until Robin runs out
then they beat each other with swords until Robin gets tired
And Robin is like “Okay dude time out
Can you do me a favor?”
And the friar is like “Well I carried you across a river on my back so why not”
And Robin is like “Great. Let me pull out this horn and blow on it 3 times”
And the friar is like “Sounds non-suspicious to me!”
so Robin Hood blows on the horn
which obviously summons his whole gang
and the friar is like “Oh shit time out
Can you do me a favor?”
And Robin Hood is like “I’d be a dick if I said no”
And the friar is like “Great. Let me whistle three times
you know the whistle where you put your fingers in your mouth?
That’s the one I’m gonna do.”
And Robin Hood is like “Wow, you can do that?
I tried for like an hour and I couldn’t get it.
That’s why I have to carry this big shitty horn with me all the time.
Anyway yeah, that sounds fine.”
So the friar whistles three times
and all of a sudden A SWARM OF DOGS APPEARS
ONE DOG FOR EVERY DUDE IN ROBIN’S BAND
BARKING AND BITING AND CATCHING ARROWS IN THEIR FUCKING TEETH
and the friar is like “HAHA FUCK YOU I’M A DOG LORD”
and Robin Hood is like “OH NO A DOG LORD”
but Little John is like “WHHHHHHAT?”
and Robin Hood is like “Hey dude do you see all those dogs?”
and Little John is like “YEEEEEAH”
and Robin Hood is like “Kill them for me?”
and Little John is like “OKAY”
and he shoots like twenty of them
because he IS pretty good at arrows
And the friar is like “Whoa dude stop shooting my dogs”
And Robin Hood is like “Only if you join our medieval crime syndicate.”
And the friar is like “will there be violence?”
And Robin Hood is like “Excessive amounts.”
So the friar is like “Okay sweet.”
And from then on, he is known as …
FRIAR TUCK.

So the moral of the story
is never bring a dog to a bowfight.

The end.

Everybody Trusts Robin Hood for Some Reason

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It’s been a long time since I talked about everybody’s favorite green forest burglar
I think the last story I told about him was pretty violent
like unnecessarily so
and the one before that was 80% sex and disguises
but Robin Hood is supposed to be about tricking dudes and stealing shit
he was played by a fox in the Disney movie for christ’s sake
like they brought in an actual live fox to model for that character
they lost three animators trying to put it in a green tunic
it was an incredible waste of money and life.
Anyway here’s a story where Robin does something clever for once.

So Robin Hood and Little John are walking through the forest
(and now you have that song stuck in your head)
when they see this potter driving a cart down the road.
Now, I went and looked up what a potter is, just to make sure
because sometimes ye olde jobbe tittles don’t mean what they seem to mean
like a cooper makes barrels and a cockswain is not a gay porn director
but it turns out a potter is exactly what it sounds like:
a dude who makes pots and then sells the pots.
The reason I bothered to look this up
is that I can think of no reason why a dude who makes pots all day
would be better at fighting than two dudes who FIGHT AND ROB PEOPLE ALL DAY
but this is the world these people live in I guess
because Little John sees the potter and he’s like “OH FUCK
ROBIN
THIS IS THAT POTTER I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT”
and Robin is like “Chill out baby
you mean the Potter you tried to rob
but instead of getting robbed by you he broke three of your ribs?”
and little john is like “Yeah dude, he really fucked me up
just like he’ll fuck you up if you try to rob him”
and Robin’s like “Oh yeah?
I bet you 40 bucks I can get him to give me his money”
and Little John is like “Ok dude but when I win
I am not going to use any of that money to pay your medical bills”

so Robin hood jumps out of the forest in front of the potter like “sup”
and the potter’s like “nm, you?”
and Robin is like “Oh you know, just running this invisible toll booth here
right in the middle of the forest.
Give me 40 bucks and you can pass by.”
Guys, this is how Robin Hood makes his money:
by extorting working class travelers in “his” forest.
If anybody did this today we would be fucking horrified
but somehow this guy gets to skate by because occasionally he robs bad guys.
Obviously the potter refuses
because nothing about Robin Hood says “licensed toll collector”
so Robin Hood is like “awesome” and pulls out his sword
and the potter pulls out a big stick and fucks him with it.

So Robin Hood is lying on the ground bleeding from everywhere
and Little John runs up like “haha pay up cripple”
so Robin Hood pays him
and then the potter is like “dude
that was a real dick move, trying to rob me like that”
and Robin Hood is like “Your violence has convinced me that you are right
let’s be bros
let’s wear each other’s clothes”
and the potter is like “…what?”
and Robin Hood is like “Dude I’m serious
switch clothes with me
I’ll go to Nottingham and pretend to be you
we’re bros now this is what bros do.”
and the shrewd potter is like “Alright
but only if …
you take all my merchandise too
and sell it in town on my behalf”

so that’s what happens.
Robin Hood puts on the potter’s clothes and goes to town
with all the potter’s pots
and he rolls right up to the Sheriff of Nottingham’s house
(played by a fat wolf in the Disney version)
and sets up his stand.
It turns out, to no one’s surprise, that Robin Hood doesn’t know shit about pots
he is selling them for so cheap that everyone thinks he is an idiot
but as my grandpappy used to say:
idiot pots work just as well as non-idiot pots
(my grandpappy had a lot of really specific ceramics-related sayings)
so everybody buys all of the dumb idiot’s stupid pots
ALL BUT FIVE, THAT IS.
Robin Hood has been saving his last five pots
so he can give them away for free
to the wife of his mortal enemy
THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM.

So Robin gets invited to dinner because of his gifts
and because Robin is not dressed like a jolly green asshole
the Sheriff does not recognize him at all
and is instead very thankful for the nice pots.
Meanwhile two of the sheriff’s guys start arguing about who can shoot better
and they start betting each other money
so Robin Hood is like “move over shitbirds” and takes them to arrow school
and the Sheriff is like “HOLY SHIT THAT BOY CAN BOW”
and Robin Hood is like “yeah dude I shoot bows with robin hood all the time
I can take you to meet him if you want”
and the Sheriff is like “I WILL ACCEPT THIS UNCRITICALLY”

Now I’m sure you can guess how this is going to go at this point:
Robin Hood leads the Sheriff to the potter dressed in his clothes
the Sheriff arrests the potter and Robin Hood flips everybody off with both hands
EXCEPT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GUESSED WRONG.
Robin Hood just leads the Sheriff into the forest
has his dudes ambush him
and then takes all his loot and sends him home on a shitty horse
then he gives like half the money he made on heavily discounted pots to the potter
which means the potter basically got paid minimum wage to get drunk with criminals all day
so everybody goes home happy
except the Sheriff of Nottingham
but at least he gets to go home.

So the moral of the story
is if you’re getting mugged
just start taking off all your clothes and offering them to your mugger
it will turn out super well
history has shown this.

The end.

Peter Pan is as Shitty as Every Other Child

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Hello boys and girls

today I am going to tell you a story
about a racist sociopath from your childhood
he is not that special as far as racist sociopaths go
other than HE CAN FLY AND IS IMMORTAL
but yeah anyway
this story doesn’t start with Peter Pan
it starts with this girl named Wendy
and her brothers, Michael and John
they live in boring old London
which we are going to need to get out of ASAP
in order for this story to be any fun.

Luckily, Peter Pan decides to KIDNAP Wendy and her brothers
because he likes going over to her house to listen to bedtime stories
but he hates the commute.
The first time he comes by to hang out
she scares him so hard HIS SHADOW FALLS OFF
because he is a SHODDILY CONSTRUCTED PERSON
but she glues that shit back on
and then he’s like “Awesome, come to Neverland with me
you can be my mom.”
and Wendy is like “Uh”
and he’s like “No it’s okay
look I’m gonna cover you in magic dust and now you can FLY”
[just so you know
so many children thought they could fly after seeing this play
that the fairy dust rule had to be added in as a fucking safety measure
WRITERS: CHILDPROOF YOUR STORIES
CHILDREN ARE DUMBER THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE.]

So by bribing her with performance enhancing drugs
Peter is able to convince Wendy to come back to his place
along with her two bros.
Unfortunately, Peter has already been shacking up with a fairy
a literal magic fairy named Tinkerbell
and Tinkerbell is NOT about to be usurped by some gullible sky-tramp
so when she sees Wendy coming
she rounds up Peter’s crew
(a gang of perfect idiots called the Lost Boyz)
and she’s like “HEY LOOK THERE IN THE SKY
IT’S A BIRD
PETER WANTS YOU TO SHOOT IT”
and boys love to fucking kill shit for no reason i guess
because they shoot wendy and she almost dies
but then they feel bad and make her their mother.

Here’s the problem
WENDY IS A GOD-DAMN CHILD STILL
SHE IS BARELY OLDER THAN ANYONE ELSE
so she starts doing all the things she thinks a mother does
like “give them medicine”
(actually just water in a bowl)
“feed them food”
(actually just pretend to feed them food)
and “force them to take naps.”
(there is no way to fuck this up because naps are amazing)
but her most important job
is to tell them bedtime stories
which she is really good at because her mom knows a ton of them.

But why the fuck do these kids care about bedtime stories?
THEY LIVE WITH A FAIRY, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE
THEY FIGHT PIRATES
THEY KILL PEOPLE LIKE EVERY DAY
nothing Wendy is telling them is more interesting than their actual lives
like one time they go out to the beach
and while they’re hanging out there some pirates show up
with a tied-up indian chick named Tiger Lily
(Tiger Lily is an indian as in native american
not as in actually from india
but it’s weird to call her a native american
because these people are nowhere near america.
The book calls them redskins
which is probably even worse.
They also call them Picaninnys
which i think is a little better
but ultimately what they are
are the products of the imagination of a racist child.)
So Peter is like “OH SHIT PIRATES GOTTA KILL EM”
and then he starts flying around punching pirates
ESPECIALLY a pirate named Captain Hook.

Captain Hook cannot possibly be this guy’s real name
he got ‘Captain’ from being a captain
and ‘Hook’ because he has a hook for a hand
which is like if I called my grandpa “Captain Cane”:
RUDE.
The reason Hook is missing a real hand
is that Peter Pan RIPPED IT OFF AND FED IT TO A CROCODILE.
Maybe you were waiting for the part where Peter was actually a sociopath
because you missed the part where he drugged and kidnapped three kids
well, here it is.
You don’t have to do that to someone’s hand
like, if you chop off someone’s hand
there is absolutely no reason to pick it up
unless you made a big mistake and you want to sew it back on.
Every other reason for picking up a severed hand is a bad reason
pretending to shake the hand? NOT OKAY.
dismembered high five? IN POOR TASTE.
feeding it to a live fucking crocodile
who then develops a taste for the flesh of the hand’s owner
and follows that dude around FOREVER AFTER?
ULTIMATE PARTY FOUL.

So naturally Hook wants to murder Peter
and Peter is such a cocky asshole
he almost pushes Hook off a cliff
but then sticks out his hand to save him
so Hook STABS HIM IN THE HAND
and then leaves him and wendy to die
on a rapidly-submerging rock.
Wendy gets away because there’s a little life raft there or something
but Peter has to die
which he’s totally okay with, because in his words,
“To die will be an awfully big adventure”
PROVING ONCE AGAIN THAT HE HAS NO REAL UNDERSTANDING OF DEATH.
Then a bird sacrifices its children to save him though
so it looks like Peter gets to spend another day
not learning about consequences.

Peter comes back home
and the whole Picaninny tribe is super pleased with him
because Tiger Lily is safe
(PS: the pirates caught her trying to sneak on board and murder them all
by herself
so she’s pretty cool)
so by way of saying thanks
they agree to guard Peter’s underground base
in case the pirates show up.

GUESS WHAT? THE PIRATES SHOW UP.
They show up at the worst possible time:
right when Wendy has told Peter that she’s going back to boring London
and taking all his friends with her.
See, she was actually kinda starting to have a thing for Peter
so she was like “Hey Peter, how do you feel about me”
and he was like “You are like a mom to me”
and she was like “AW FUCK, FRIENDZONED”
and also it turns out she has no idea how to be a mom
and she misses living in a house instead of a dirthole
and she is worried about PIRATES
and all the Lost Boys sort of see her point
because at this point they have been kids for god knows how long
and the whole time they have been killing pirates basically nonstop
so they are seriously warped
they have no idea what normal life is like
and they would like to give it a try.

But right when they’re all about to leave
the pirates jump on the Picaninnies and kill most of them
instead of adhering to what the book calls a time-honored tradition
of waiting until morning and letting the indians ambush them to death.
Then they steal the war-drums
and start beating on them like the Picaninnies won
so Wendy and co are like “Oh I guess it’s safe to go out now”
and then they get kidnapped by pirates
and Peter has no idea
b/c he’s already decided that his friends are disposable and gone to sleep.

When Hook is tying up the prisoners, shit gets even worse
because he discovers that Slightly, one of the lost boys, is fat
(dunno how he got fat when all their meals are imaginary
the book says he drank a lot of water
which makes me think of him as a balloon filled with warm piss)
what this means is that there must be a way into peter’s hole
that is big enough for a fat child/Captain Hook to fit through
so he finds that hole
and sneaks down to murder Peter in his sleep
but for some reason he can’t get through the door
so instead he just poisons peter’s “medicine”
which he refused to take because fuck wendy
and also because IT’S JUST WATER.

Then Captain Hook leaves and Tinkerbell shows up
(she was gone because fuck wendy)
and she’s like “PETER, EVERYONE IS KIDNAPPED”
and Peter is like “DANG”
and Tink is like “ALSO YOUR MEDICINE IS POISONED”
and Peter is like “LOL NO IT’S NOT”
and he starts to drink it
so Tinkerbell has to take one for the team and chug the poison instead
and peter is pretty pissed until she starts dying
but then he’s just sad
except it turns out Tinkerbell can’t die if children believe in faries
and luckily children will believe fucking anything
so she comes back to life with no problems
(this part is way more dramatic in the play.
you can tell he tried to make it work in the book but it’s pretty dumb.)

Once again saved from the consequences of his dumb actions
Peter sneaks onto the Pirate ship by pretending to be the crocodile
frees all the prisoners
kills all the pirates
and then front-kicks Captain Hook into the real crocodile’s mouth
which Hook gets all smug about because it isn’t sporting.
SPORTING?
YOU’RE A PIRATE, BRO
ALSO DEAD.

So Wendy is like “Wow thanks for saving us, Peter
you’re still an asshole though, bye.”
But Peter’s like “I’LL SHOW YOU WHO’S THE ASSHOLE
I’LL RACE YOU HOME AND LOCK YOUR WINDOW
SO YOU’LL THINK YOUR MOM FORGOT ABOUT YOU AND COME BACK AND LIVE WITH…
Oh wow, it’s me. I’m the asshole.”
So Wendy goes home and her mom is very stoked
she is so stoked she agrees to adopt four new children on the spot
and she raises all of them and they all get high-paying adult jobs
and then many years later Peter shows up
and he’s still a kid but Wendy is a grown-up
and Peter is like “AW FUCK WHAT HAPPENED”
and Wendy is like “It’s okay Peter
you can have my daughter”
and Peter’s like “Any port in a storm i guess.”

So he takes Wendy’s daughter until she gets sick of him
and then later she gives him HER daughter
and so on and so on
like the way some tribes sacrifice virgins to volcanoes.

So the moral of the story is lock your fucking windows.

The end.

The Kalevala is SERIOUS ABOUT BEER

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(Today’s mythos was selected by Patreon backers!)

Everybody loves weddings
weddings are great
I used to bartend at weddings
it’s cool because you get to watch people in suits get hammered
but guys
can you imagine going to a wedding
where like thirty percent of the guests
are FUCKING WIZARDS?
I KNOW
IT WOULD BE A TOTAL SHIT SHOW
IT ALMOST ALWAYS IS
I USED TO BARTEND AT WIZARD WEDDINGS
IT’S COOL BECAUSE YOU GET TO WATCH PEOPLE IN SUITS TURN INTO ACTUAL HAMMERS

uh anyway
let me tell you about the one wizard wedding that only ALMOST went terribly
it is the wedding of Ilmarinen and the Maiden of the Rainbow.
Ilmarinen is prolly one of the less shitty wizards in the Kalevala
which isn’t saying much
because as the Finnish like to say,
“With great power
comes the ability to be a huge asshole constantly with no consequences.”
So naturally people are overjoyed when Ilmarinen gets hitched
they are SO OVERJOYED
that they set about causing themselves infrastructure problems
just to throw a bangin’ party.

The first thing they do is they breed this ox.
Now the text says that this ox is not the smallest or the biggest
but it is at least big enough
that it cannot be killed by conventional weapons
it is the godzilla of livestock
it eats all the grass normally reserved for the cows
and probably also accidentally eats some cows
and every time a dude goes out to kill it
that dude quickly ends up inside the nearest bush
shitting himself in mortal terror
until this one dude literally washes up on the sea shore.
According to the text this dude is not the smallest or the biggest
but he is at least small enough
that he can sleep inside a seashell
and another interesting fact about him is that he is mostly made of steel
so he’s basically a combination and man/iron man
which is incredibly sweet
and raises the question
of why tony stark didn’t just build those suits for everybody
like, he clearly has the money
and dozens and dozens of suits lying around
at least make a suit for hawkeye
hawkeye is literally just a normal guy with a suboptimal weapon
he needs all the help he can get
nobody cares about any of those characters besides iron man anyway
if you put them all in suits it might fool people for a second.

WHERE WAS I?
Oh yeah, Ant Man jumps out of the sea and kills the ox with one punch
so meat for the party is covered.
BUT WHAT ABOUT BOOZE?
The hostess for this wedding
(Louhi)
is flipping the hell out trying to answer that very important question.
So she runs around town yelling “HOW I MAKE BOOZE”
until some old dude is like “Oh I’ll tell you
I’ll tell you a really long story
about the first time someone made booze
when she just tried to boil hops and barley
and it was shitty
so she kept scraping off wood from the beer barrels
and giving it to a wizard she knew
and the wizard kept turning it into animals
and the animals kept bringing back leaves and bark and bear spit and acorns
until finally the wizard turned the wood into a bee
and the bee got some honey and the beer turned out great
so yeah the answer is honey
put honey in your beer, problem solved.”

So Louhi is like “Great, thanks dude
you probably could have just skipped to that last hot tip
but i guess it’s hard to fit a practical beer recipe
into trochaic quadrameter
so i should prolly cut you some slack.”
Then she goes and makes the beer
and it’s GREAT

PERHAPS TOO GREAT
this beer is so great that it has developed RUDIMENTARY INTELLIGENCE
the beer is like “HEY LOUHI
GET ME A DOPE-ASS SINGER TO SING ABOUT HOW GREAT I AM”
so Louhi brings in a big bag of fish
but fish can’t sing
so she bring in a child
but fuck children
and then she’s out of ideas
and is totally starting to freak out
when Ilmarinen finally shows up.
Everybody is so excited
they physically rip off the door to make it easier for him to get in
and then his guest room turns into a chromed out bang palace
because that’s why wizards study magic
and then the party gets started
and everybody drinks the great beer
which has remained woefully unsung this whole time
and this dude Wainamoinen is like “HOLY SHIT WAIT
SOMEBODY NEEDS TO SING ABOUT THIS FUCKING BEER
NOT SINGING ABOUT BEER
IS BASICALLY LIKE SAYING THE BEER IS SHITTY
AND THIS BEER HAS EARS, MY FRIENDS
IT WILL FUCK YOU UP
AFTER FUCKING YOU UP.”
but everybody is too chickenshit to sing about the beer
so this one little kid is like “I mean I could -”
and Wainamoinen is like “NO, FUCK YOU KID
SOMEBODY GET THIS KID OUT OF HERE.”
and this old dude is like “well i used to be a singer
but now I -”
and Wainamoinen is like “Okay fine i’ll sing about the beer
jesus you guys, take a music class.”

It turns out Wainamoinen is actually a legendary bard
so i dunno why he was bugging everybody else
could have just sung and not made a fucking scene
but anyway it’s great
everybody agrees its great
and the beer fails to erupt out of their chests like an alien.

The moral of the story
Is that you should only go to karaoke bars
it is the safest way to drink.

The end.

Death Awaits Us All!

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So today I was just hanging out
you know
contemplating my mortality
and I was like man
it sure would be cool if I could cheat death
I wonder if there are any stories about that.
It turns out there are
there are a ton of stories about that
but this one is better so here it is:

One time in Baghdad
like, before it was shitty
there was this merchant with loads of dough
(I am using dough here to refer to money
although maybe he traded in actual dough too
I dunno
I’m a storyteller, not an economist)
and one day he is feeling pretty chill
so he tells his servant to go out to the market and get some brews.
The servant goes to the market alright
but he comes back WOEFULLY UN-BREWED
plus he is flipping the hell out
he is like “BOSS
BOSS
I just saw DEATH.
Like, the actual personification of death was walking through the market.
I ran into her
and she turned and saw me
and she was like ‘WHOA!
YOU!’
which is NOT A THING YOU WANT TO HEAR DEATH SAY
in fact I am pretty sure there is NOTHING I WANT TO HEAR DEATH SAY
I would MUCH PREFER if death was too far away for me to hear.
Boss, please
lemme borrow one of your horses
I am gonna ride all night to Samarra
which is really far away
so death will totally not find me.”
Now, this is a pretty bullshitty story
plus the servant’s endgame here isn’t clear
like, is he gonna come back to Baghdad once he’s no longer worried about death?
is he gonna hole up in a little cottage with “NO DETH ALLOWED” scrawled on a sign out front?
but the merchant is an economist, not a sorcerer
he doesn’t think about these obvious problems.
Instead he’s just like “Sure dude, I have a ton of horses
borrow one, I don’t care.
You’ve got some saved up PTO anyway.
Technically this might even count as medical leave.
Go nuts.”
and the servant is like “WAY AHEAD OF YOU”
and then he grabs a horse and rides as fast as he can to Samarra.

So once his servant is gone
along with his fastest horse
it finally occurs to the merchant that maybe he should check out the servant’s story
so he goes down to the marketplace
just kind of searching for somebody who looks like death
and what do you know, death’s still hanging out in the marketplace
having a burger
and the merchant is like “yo, death
what the fuck
why’d you threaten my employee?”
and death is like “lol
what?
You mean that dude from earlier?
I didn’t threaten him
I was just surprised to see him
BECAUSE I’M SUPPOSED TO MEET UP WITH HIM TONIGHT IN SAMARRA.”
and the merchant is like “Oh DAAAAAAAAAMN.”
and then he never gets his horse back.

The moral of the story is don’t lend your horses to people
horses are valuable and people are idiots.

The end.

Where Was This Little Dutch Boy During Katrina?

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A dutch person emailed me today
and it reminded me of this story
which is a dutch story
in the same way that “pocahontas” is a native american story
but it’s the first thing I think of when I hear “dutch”
other than “good weed”
and I am already so high I’m nearing government controlled air space
so THE LITTLE DUTCH BOY IT IS

okay so there’s this kid
he lives in a misspelled version of Harlem called Haarlem
and his parents are so neglectful
they send him off alone with a bunch of baked goods
which he is supposed to give to some random blind dude across town
he is like a blond male Little Red Riding Hood
except instead of grandma it’s a TOTAL FUCKING STRANGER
but anyway this kid makes it out of the blindhaus
totally molestation free
and starts wandering back towards his house
wasting time like little kids do
picking flowers and making airplane noises and pooping himself
when all of a sudden
he hears water
TRICKLING

now in order for you to understand how terrifying this noise is
I have to tell you something about Holland:
Holland is not a place where people are supposed to live
it is a place where fish are supposed to live
but a long time ago some people were like “hey
fuck fish”
and they forcibly removed all the water from a bunch of land
and then built there houses there
below sea level.
this is widely known as
“a bad idea”
because all that water is pretty pissed about being exiled
so it’s just hanging out on the outside of these huge dykes
(which is a really offensive term for walls that keep water out)
just WAITING for a hole to open up
so it can pour roll in and piss on everybody’s beds.
So when Little Blond Walking Hood hears water trickling
it’s like when you’re on a nearly abandoned spaceship by yourself
and you hear a faint dripping noise
and you immediately know that it is either your friend’s blood
or alien saliva

So this kid looks over at the dyke
and he sees a little trickle of water coming out of it
and since he doesn’t just carry caulk around with him
(and also dykes don’t really like caulk)
he does the only sensible thing for a young boy to do:
he shoves his finger in that hole.
This is a great plan
this kid is a fucking hero
except there is literally NOBODY ELSE OUT HERE
and it is rapidly getting dark
so this little numbnuts is stuck outside
in the dark
in the cold
with a city-destroying amount of water
gently lapping at his fingertip.
This is a form of torture
the CIA uses this on all their dutch prisoners to this day.
the boy’s mind is utterly destroyed
his muscles seize up
he begins to hallucinate from sleep deprivation
ironically, he becomes dehydrated

by the morning, there is nothing left of the boy’s once bright personality
he stands shackled to the uncaring dyke by his one numb finger
convulsing with cold, thirst and exhaustion
he longs for nothing more than the sweet release of death
at which point a priest walks by
ON TOP of the dyke
because apparently that’s also an option
and he sees the kid and he’s like WHOA WHAT THE FUCK
and the kid is like “k-k-k-kill me
or send people to fix this dyke i guess.”

So then they fix the dyke
the child is never the same again
the accolades of the town fall on deaf ears
his development is arrested
and he goes through his life a mere shell of a human
but at least his town is saved, right?

This boy’s eternal suffering
brings us to the moral of this story
which is that sometimes
to quote the Geto Boys
“you gotta let a hole be a hole.”

Thank you.