Hey guys I’m back
you may notice that the unspeakable things for money page is also back
it’s way different now though, so check it out
also, check this out:

I REMEMBERED ANOTHER GREEK MYTH
IT IS A FAIRLY WELL-KNOWN ONE TOO
What the hell was i doing
fucking around with all these obscure–as–hell greek tales
with this populist gem glimmering the hell out of itself over here
it’s like all this time
I have been scrambling for change and half-melted hard candies in my couch cushions
when it turns out the couch cushions themselves were made of COTTON CANDY
CAN YOU IMAGINE GUYS
A COTTON CANDY COUCH
WHAT A TERRIBLE THING TO PUT IN YOUR HOUSE
THAT COUCH WOULD BE A PULSATING MASS OF ANTS WITHIN A WEEK
so uh
yeah
let’s talk about how Athens got its name

now back in the day, Athens was not named Athens
it was like when you form a band with your friends
and you have a few practices
and someone is like damn
we should come up with a name for our band
and then for the next week or month or whatever
everyone in the band is constantly dishing out the stupidest names possible
like Sandwich Mafia or Assnectar or Painful Bowel Obstruction
and it’s just not working
because you have to just let that shit happen, you know
so everyone in not-Athens is just wandering around for months
going “hey, what about High Five City?
Funky Town?
Painful Bowel Obstruction?”
until finally the gods are like fuck this
we’re naming your city after one of us and there’s nothing you can do about it

but there’s a problem
the problem is that gods are competitive as fuck
so they pretty much have a UFC-style throwdown to determine who gets to name the city
and finally there’s only two challengers left
Poseidon, god of wet
and Athena, goddess of exploding people’s foreheads
it is going to be the match of the century, my friends
but then Athena has to go and fuck it all up
by presenting a PEACEFUL ALTERNATIVE
SNORE

she’s like hey
how about we actually go down to the city
and we each offer them something really rad
and the city goes to whoever’s offering they like more
but hm … we need a judge
good thing the city is currently ruled over by a half-man half-snake named Cecrops
he doesn’t sound evil at all!
Hey Cecrops, wanna judge this contest?
and Cecrops is like YESSSSSSSS
GOOOOOOOOOD

so Athena and Poseidon both land on a mountain in the middle of town
and they flip a coin and Poseidon has to go first
so he just stabs the ground with his trident
and the ground is like AHHHGH I’M BLEEDING
and all this water comes gushing out
and everyone is like yayyyy, water
but then they taste it and they’re like what the fuck
this is salt water
and Poseidon is like WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
I AM POSEIDON
GOD OF THE SEA AND EARTHQUAKES
FUCK FRESH WATER
I FRANCHISED OUT ALL THE FRESHWATER TO A BUNCH OF LESSER GODS A LONG TIME AGO
TRY TO KEEP UP

so then it’s Athena’s turn
and all she does is plant a little seed in the ground
and then she uses god magic to make it grow real fast
and it’s an olive tree
and everyone’s like oh yay
olives
I mean, we already have those
like, we live in fucking Greece
but it’s better than this stupid salt-geyser poseidon made
so I guess you win
and Athena is like YESSSSSS
and then they go to type her name in as the name of the city
but some dumbass makes a typo, cause the s key is right next to the a
and that’s why it’s called Athens

so the moral of the story
is I guess not all snake-men are evil
Cercops turned out to be a pretty okay dude, actually

the end.

happy Saturday jerks
today you’re gonna hear a greek myth
another one of those plays by that dude Sophocles actually
because some New York lady who calls herself a classicist
is too lazy to read it herself
WELCOME TO BETTERMYTHS.COM, WHERE I DO YOUR FUCKING HOMEWORK FOR YOU

okay ahem

PHILOCTETES BY SOPHOCLES

by Fake Ovid

The Time: Right between the Iliad and the Odyssey
The Place: Lemnos, aka Nobody-Gives-A-Fuck Island
Cast: NO TIME FOR THAT HERE THEY COME NOW!

ULYSSES: Yo Neoptolemus, thanks for coming with me to the middle of bumfuck nowhere on these boats we have
NEOPTOLEMUS: Yeah, why are we here again?
ULYSSES: Cause this is where Philoctetes is at
NEOPTOLEMUS: How do you know?
ULYSSES: Cause i was here with him like ten years ago
NEOPTOLEMUS: Ten years!? Why the fuck is he still here?
ULYSSES: Uh well we sort of ditched him
NEOPTOLEMUS: Well that’s shitty.
ULYSSES: We had to! He stepped on a snake and it bit him
NEOPTOLEMUS: Where’s Tiresias when you need him?
ULYSSES: I know right? And then Philoctetes was all whining and complaining all night and nobody could take a nap or sacrifice to zeus or anything so we just had to leave him.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Still pretty shitty, not gonna lie. So I guess we’re here to apologize?
ULYSSES: Well sort of. I mean really it’s gonna be less of an apology and more of a forced conscription into the greek army
NEOPTOLEMUS: Uh
ULYSSES: Dude listen: we have this prophet named Helenus who we stole from the Trojans. He says Troy won’t fall until we get you and Philoctetes there to make it happen.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Well I do want Troy to fall…
ULYSSES: Great! So you’ll go over and lie to Philoctetes so we can prank him onto our ship!
NEOPTOLEMUS: Wait, what? You’re the lying guy, dude. You go do some lies.
ULYSSES: Bro he totally knows me already. Also he is not my biggest fan because of the whole abandonment thing. Point three, he is the best archer in the world and he has Hercules’s old bow so I am not going anywhere near that dude ok
NEOPTOLEMUS: Doesn’t this seem really shitty to you?
ULYSSES: You mean like when I abandoned a dude on an island because he got bit by a snake? Maybe you haven’t noticed, Neoptolemus, but I’m kind of an asshole.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Hey, you’re right!
ULYSSES: Great, I’m glad we’re on the same page. So get on over there and start lying!
NEOPTOLEMUS: Wait, dude, what do I even say?
ULYSSES: Just tell him you’re Achilles’ son and you’re pissed cuz I took his armor instead of giving it to you like I should have.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Hey, that’s not even really lying!
ULYSSES: Yeah the lying part is when you tell him you’re taking him back to greece so he’ll get on the boat and then we take him to Troy instead and make him fight for us.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Still shitty, Ulysses.
ULYSSES: You know it buddy. ULYSSES, AWAYYYYYY!

Ulysses goes away. Neoptolemus approaches Philoctetes’ cave with like a hundred armed dudes.

PHILOCTETES: Whoah, who the fuck are you guys?
NEOPTOLEMUS: Just some dudes who really hate Ulysses. How bout yourself?
PHILOCTETES: Oh man what a coincidence. I hate Ulysses too!
NEOPTOLEMUS: Cool. Wanna go to greece?
PHILOCTETES: Sure!
NEOPTOLEMUS: Awesome, let’s go
PHILOCTETES: No wait, I’m having a siezure
CHORUS: Oh noooooooooooooo
PHILOCTETES: Quick dude hold my bow, i’m bout to black out for a minute

This happens

NEOPTOLEMUS: Shout we … should we just put him in the boat while he’s sleeping?
CHORUS: That sounds like a good i-
PHILOCTETES: HEY I’M AWAKE NOW WHAT A NICE NAP THANK YOU TRUSTED FRIENDS FOR BEING SO TRUSTWORTHY
NEOPTOLEMUS: Shit man I’m sorry
PHILOCTETES: For what?
NEOPTOLEMUS: Remember that dude we both hate?
PHILOCTETES: You mean Ulysses? You could say I remember him.
ULYSSES: WELL I’VE BEEN HIDING IN THESE BUSHES THE WHOLE TIME! COME ON BITCH WE’RE GOING TO TROY
PHILOCTETES: SHIT. WHAT THE FUCK NEOPTOLEMUS
NEOPTOLEMUS: Oh my god I feel like such a jerk
ULYSSES: Yeah, feels good right?
NEOPTOLEMUS: Not really no
PHILOCTETES: YOU GUYS BOTH SUCK AND I’M NOT COMING WITH YOU
ULYSSES: That’s fine dude. I’m pretty sure we just need your bow.

Ulysses and Neoptolemus leave

CHORUS: Hey Philoctetes, how you feelin?
PHILOCTETES: Dude I have a snakebite on my foot and my sole means of survival just got jacked by the only friend I’ve made in ten years of island-bound loneliness. I feel like a million butts.
CHORUS: Well you could just go with them you know. You’d get to be a hero and shit.
PHILOCTETES: I have two words for you: FUCK

Pause

PHILOCTETES: NO. I’d rather stay here and die
CHORUS: Alright dude whatever

Meanwhile

ULYSSES: Whoa whoa neoptolemus what are you doing
NEOPTOLEMUS: I’m going to go give this bow back to Philoctetes
ULYSSES: What, why?!
NEOPTOLEMUS: Because this is shitty and you are shitty
ULYSSES: That has literally never stopped me from doing ANYTHING
NEOPTOLEMUS: That’s sort of my point man
ULYSSES: I’m gonna stab you if you do this. I’ll totally do it. Look, my hand is on the hilt of my sword.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Oh hey what a coincidence, my hand is on the hilt of my sword
ULYSSES: Hey I just decided I don’t want to die today.

Ulysses goes back to hiding in the bushes

NEOPTOLEMUS: Hey Philoctetes I brought your bow back
PHILOCTETES: What the fuck is even happeningggggg
NEOPTOLEMUS: I fell bad so I brought it back. I still think it would be cool if you would go to Troy with us though
PHILOCTETES: You know what would be cool is if you would go fuck yourself
NEOPTOLEMUS: Alright dude, if you really want me to I’ll give you a ride back to Greece instead

Ulysses jumps out of the bushes again

ULYSSES: I WON’T ALLOW IT
PHILOCTETES: BITCH YOU BEST STEP OFF BEFORE I PUT AN ARROW RIGHT THROUGH YOUR WISDOM

Ulysses runs off yelping like a kicked puppy. Ulysses is a chump in this play.

PHILOCTETES: Alright, so are we going to greece or what?
NEOPTOLEMUS: You know, if we go to greece then the whole greek army is going to come kick my ass for betraying them.
PHILOCTETES: Yeah whatever. You have my bow.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Ok sure, but this is kind of a selfish decision you’re making buddy.

Philoctetes and Neoptolemus go to leave. Neoptolemus is surrounded by assholes.

HERCULES: STOP! EVERYBODY STOP BEING ASSHOLES!
EVERYONE: Hercules! Where the hell did you come from?

Hercules came from SPACE, where he lives. He did this because Sophocles has written himself into a corner.

HERCULES: Listen guys, I know everyone basically hates everyone else right now, but Philoctetes you seriously need to get over your shit and go win the Trojan war. You can trust me on this because I’m Space-Hercules.
PHILOCTETES: Hey, you’re right. Thanks, Space-Hercules!
HERCULES: No problem dude. HERCULES AWAYYYYYYYYY.

CHORUS: The moral of the story is that you can be a huge asshole all the time, but only if you’re Ulysses!

THE END.

Yes guys I heard you
you want me to translate more of Tolkien’s dense jungle of fancy names for you
and you will GET more Silmarillion
I guarantee
except you are going to have to wait til Wednesday
because today I dug up a Greek myth you might also dig.

So Daedalus
you may remember him as the very smart guy with the very dumb sperm
but before he was that guy
he was the royal arch-nerd of Athens
trained by Athena herself
and he had an apprentice

this apprentice was named Perdix
or Talos
or Calus
or Circinus
or … Tantalus?
You know, maybe there were more than one of these dudes
and Daedalus just went through them like blueprint paper
which he probably also used as toilet paper
because he was too lazy to go to two different stores
you know how geniuses are.

But that is all baseless conjecture
so we’ll pretend these dudes were all the same person
because it makes the story easier
and we will call them all Perdix
because it sort of sounds like bird dicks
and now you have to think about that.

Perdix is twelve years old
and he is mad smart
I mean Daedalus is smart
he can build handjob robots and do math and parallel park like a motherfucker
but Perdix is so smart
one day he finds a fish skeleton on the beach
and he discovers he can use it to cut sticks in half
and then invents the saw
HOLY SHIT
this kid is so smart he can cut sticks in half with some brittle-ass fish remains
he is performing construction work
armed only with the type of shit satiated cats pull out of their gullets in cartoons
fuck inventing saws
who gives a shit about that, you can buy those at the store
who is this guy who can CONQUER WOOD WITH GARBAGE??

So Daedalus hears about this and is like aw hell no
I have been trying to figure out how to chisel granite with a rusty tin can for like
AGES
this kid is going DOWN
and then it turns out Daedalus is right
except what Perdix is going down on
turns out to be Perdix’s MOM
who is also Daedalus’s sister
DUDE IS LIKE TWELVE
HE HAS SO MUCH GAME.
and Daedalus is like okay
so not only is this guy better than me at science
he is also better than me at sex?
fuck this, everybody dies

so he’s like hey perdix
come with me up to this high tower so i can give you a geography lesson
and Perdix is like okay what’s the lesson
and Daedalus is like the lesson is that geography is very dangerous
when you are hurtling towards it at high speeds
ka-PUSH!

so perdix dies
and Daedalus stuffs him in a bag and starts dragging him to the dump
and people are like whoa dude what’s in that bag
and Daedalus is like “oh well I saw a snake on the ground
and it is against the law to leave snakes lying around
so i picked it up and put it in this bag”
but friends
take it from me
there is a big difference between a bag full of snakes and a bag full of dead kids
people figure out daedalus’s crafty ploy
about the same time the bag starts leaking copious amounts of blood
seriously for a genius inventor he is pretty bad at disposing of bodies.
I guess he does pretty good with Icarus, though, now that i think of it.

Anyway, Athena is not a big fan of this whole scenario
but all she does about it is turn Perdix into a partridge
and that is why partridges always stay low to the ground
or in pear trees or whatever
it’s because they don’t want to get pushed out of any more buildings
even though they can FUCKING FLY NOW.

As for Daedalus, he gets kicked out of the city
which is not a big deal because he just moves town the road to Crete
where he makes his living building anatomically correct fursuits for the nobility
until he gets in even more trouble

So the moral of the story
is you can either be successful in science
or successful in bed
being both is just asking your friends and instructors to defenestrate you

THE END.

Whoa guys
I found another play I should have written
Lemme just write it real quick:
(Oh PS I’m gonna start trying to link to my source material on these)

ORESTES BY EURIPIDES

BY FAKE OVID

AHEM

The place is Argos. The time is way-the-fuck-old-times. Electra is here, being dumb because she’s female or something

ELECTRA:
HOLY SHIT I’M SO FUCKING DUMB. IT MUST BE BECAUSE I’M A WOMAN. Oh also my brother Orestes has been crazy for six days now because he killed our mom and I helped. He did that because our mom killed our dad, and she did that because our dad was Agamemnon and he was getting tail from all sides during the trojan war. Oh shit here comes Helen of Troy.

HELEN:
Yo girl you need to get laid

ELECTRA:
Yeah that seems to be working out real well for you so far. Hey how are all those wars you started?

HELEN:
Pretty good. Mostly over now. Hey could you do me a solid?

ELECTRA:
What?

HELEN:
Could you bring these flowers to your mom’s grave for me?

ELECTRA:
What? Why?

HELEN:
Because everyone in the city pretty much wants to kill me. You know, cause of all those wars I started.

ELECTRA:
Fuck you, do it yourself.

HELEN:
Nah. I’ll just make my daughter do it. Her name is Hermione, like in Harry Potter.

So that happens. Oh yeah, and Orestes was napping on the couch this whole time, but now he wakes up

ORESTES:
Hey Electra! I’m not crazy anymore!

ELECTRA:
Dude seriously? You are literally foaming at the eyes

ORESTES:
Oh no you’re right. Still crazy!

ELECTRA:
Fuck this, I’m going inside the castle.

ORESTES:
Wait, we aren’t in the castle? Where the fuck are we, then?

MENELAUS:
No time for that! I’m home from the Trojan war, what’s up?

ORESTES:
Oh not much dude. Just TOTALLY WEASELDICK CRAZY

MENELAUS:
Whoah, why?

ORESTES:
I killed my mom.

MENELAUS:
Go on…

ORESTES:
Dude I straight stabbed my mom in the neck. I’m like overcome with grief

MENELAUS:
I see. When did this grief begin?

ORESTES:
I dunno, probably right around when I set my mom’s corpse on fire.

MENELAUS:
Okay well I’m sure you’ll get over it. Anyway I gotta go bang my hot wife Helen, who everybody hates. See you later.

LATER:

RANDOM SOLDIER:
Holy shit everyone, Orestes just murdered Menelaus’s hot wife Helen, who everybody hates!

EVERYONE:
How unexpected!

RANDOM SOLDIER:
Yeah he was totally stabbing her and then her daughter was there too and then she like disappeared or something and I don’t know I’m pretty high right now. Good thing I escaped all that murder by running away.

ORESTES:
PSYCHE! NO YOU DIDN’T!

SOLDIER:
Oh noooooooo. Hey dude don’t kill me. I think it’s totally cool that you’re killing all these women all the time

ORESTES:
For real? You’re not just saying that?

SOLDIER:
I mean … yeah! Yeah! They totally had it coming or something.

ORESTES:
Sweet! Well, I’m off to go murder more women. Enjoy the rest of your life!

SOLDIER:
You too, buddy.

Menelaus shows up because where the fuck was he all this time

MENELAUS:
Oh no not more bullshit with Helen

ORESTES:
Yeah sorry dude. And now I’m standing on the roof like a supervillain, holding Hermione hostage.

MENELAUS:
Dude don’t kill her, she’s totally defenseless.

ORESTES:
Yeah I know, that’s kind of my thing.

MENELAUS:
Well shit, I’m out of ideas.

So is Euripides! Here comes Apollo, descending from space!

APOLLO:
Hey dudes, it turns out Helen isn’t actually dead. We just noticed that she was causing even more problems and we were like “fuck it, let’s put her in space where she can’t cause any more problems.” So she’s in space now. Sorry about that, Menelaus. You can have Sparta as a consolation prize. Oh and Orestes, you get to marry Hermione.

ORESTES:
Who?

APOLLO:
That girl you were just trying to stab.

ORESTES:
Oh yeah of course. Let’s get married.

EVERYONE:
IT LOOKS LIKE IT ALL WORKED OUT IN THE END.

HERMIONE:
Because women are currency!

CHORUS: The moral of the story is that Euripides probably did not get laid very much.

THE END.

Hey guys
some sexy human named Maxguns Sexhorse left a comment the other day
reminding me that why the fuck haven’t I done this story yet
so I’m going to
and it’s a play
so I’m gonna try that thing again
where I just rewrite the whole play.
this is kind of an experiment though
because I’m not really sure
if my particular brand of raunchy chatroom inspired cliff notes
can possibly outdo the parade of thinly-veiled boners that populate Aristophanes’ original
ANYWAY HERE GOES NOTHING:

LYSISTRATA

OR: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE DONG

Adapted for Internet by Fake Ovid Naso

SCENE ONE: A room full of hot chicks

actually the room is not full of hot chicks yet
right now it’s just LYSISTRATA and she’s kinda pissed
then her slutty friend CLEONICE shows up

LYSISTRATA: Man, why is nobody here yet?
CLEONICE: Who did you invite?
LYSISTRATA: All of the women. One hundred percent of the women in the world.
CLEONICE: Oh, well maybe that’s why.
LYSISTRATA: Fuck you.
CLEONICE: Oh is that what we’re doing? Cause if so you should have put that in the invitation, and then everyone would totally be here with their tits out by now.
LYSISTRATA: Is this what you’re gonna do? Are you just gonna hang out and turn everything I say into innuendo?
CLEONICE: I’LL IN YOUR END-O
LYSISTRATA: Shut up, here comes hot chicks.

Enter HOT CHICKS FROM EVERY DAMN PLACE. CLEONICE measures their boobs with calipers.

HOT CHICKS: Okay what’s up
LYSISTRATA: Guys, I came up with a plan to stop all wars forever
HOT CHICKS: That sounds rad. Finally we can get our husbands home for some quality boner-bending. What’s the plan?
LYSISTRATA: Uh, yeah … see, think of this in terms of economics. In order to stop the wars, we have to get through to all the dudes, because they’re the ones who keep fighting wars. But in order to do that, we have to make them an offer they can’t refuse. So what do we, as women, have a monopoly on?
HOT CHICKS: OOH OOH! COMMON SENSE! EMPATHY! PERIODS!
LYSISTRATA: Okay, but try to limit it to things that men want.
CLEONICE: VAGINAS!
LYSISTRATA: Yes, Cleonice. This is why I invited you. Okay now bear with me here, guys. In order to get the dudes to stop fighting all these wars, we are going to have to levy an embargo … ON VAGINAS.
HOT CHICKS: AW HELL NO.
CLEONICE: What’s the point of peace if you can’t get a piece huh?
LYSISTRATA: Guys, guys, don’t pussy out on me now! We only have to keep our legs shut until everyone agrees to stop having wars!
HOT CHICKS: Don’t you think that maybe a sex embargo will only make everyone more irritable, resulting in even MORE wars over smaller things?
LYSISTRATA: NO TIME FOR THINKING. Instead, I propose that we all get ceremonially drunk on this wine I brought, and then we’ll go occupy the federal reserve and camp out there with a bunch of other drunk horny hot chicks!
HOT CHICKS: Wow when did this plan get good all of a sudden?

AND SO

MAGISTRATE: Dudes, how come all the hot chicks are all up in our gold and not in our pants?
DUDES: I DUNNO, BUT LET’S SET THEM ON FIRE.
HOT CHICKS: NO.
DUDES: Fuck, okay. How bout a handjob, though?
HOT CHICKS: ALSO NO.
DUDES: Well shit.

MEANWHILE, INSIDE THE FEDERAL RESERVE

HOT CHICKS: Dude, Lysistrata, can we just go home and totally not sleep with our husbands real quick? We’re all sick or bored or pregnant or something.
LYSISTRATA: NO. You are going to STAY HERE until WAR IS OVER FOREVER.
HOT CHICKS: Dag.

BUT BACK OUTSIDE:

DUDES: Holy shit, how are we going to deal with all these boners?

Seriously, these dudes have like 8-foot boners.

MAGISTRATE: Just hold on guys. If we let our boners get just a little more distended we might be able to suck our own dicks.
DUDES: Come to think of it, why haven’t we already resorted to sucking each other’s dicks? Or, you know, just masturbating or something?
MAGISTRATE: THERE IS NO TIME FOR THINKING WHEN YOU HAVE AN ERECTION, MY FRIENDS. No, the only solution is to immediately vote for peace.

Enter PEACE, lowered onto the stage on a rope. Like at least fifty percent of the things in this play, PEACE is a hot chick.

DUDES: Quick! Everyone sign the peace treaty so we can all gangbang Peace!

They do, and they do.

HOT CHICKS: Looks like that’s the end of war forever and ever! Thanks Lysistrata!
LYSISTRATA: Don’t mention it.
EVERYONE: The moral of the story is that as soon as someone invents gay sex we can have wars forever!

THE END.

Okay guys
gonna be honest
I set out to tell you the story of “Amphitryon” by Plautus
but frankly
that shit is LONG
and I still have to go grocery shopping today
so I just read the summary at the beginning
and the rest I am going to make up

ALRIGHT SO
Alcmene is a chick whose name you should be familiar with
but if you aren’t then I’m not gonna spoil it right away
what’s important to know right now is that she has a husband
and her husband’s name is Amphitryon
and Amphitryon is King Creon’s bitch

So one day King Creon is like Hey Bro
bout to fight a war with some guys.
not sure which guys
maybe the Teleboans or maybe the Taphians
it’s a T-name though, for sure
anyway, I need you to go do war stuff on my behalf
and Amphitryon is like YES SIR WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CRADLE YOUR BALLS AS WELL?

But before he goes off to war
he does the smart thing and gets his wife pregnant
I guess so there will be someone to avenge his probable death
and then it’s war time
but see, Amphitryon has made one mistake:
(and in ancient greece, this is an easy mistake)
Amphytrion has married a woman Zeus wants to bone.

So Zeus sees Amphytrion leaving to die
and he’s like Sweet!
This looks like an opportunity for SHENANIGANS.
And ten minutes later he has transformed himself into Alcmene’s husband
and he’s up in her room like Yo
and Alcmene is like I thought you were in a war?
and Zeus is like Uh
Very short war, yeah
as a matter of fact, honeyass
that war was exactly as short
as my boners for you are long
and Alcmene is not one to look a gift-dick in the mouth
although actually…
…
ANYWAY they have sex
and he whole time they are engaged in this incognito intercourse
Hermes is out guarding the door
because Hermes truly is
THE ULTIMATE WINGMAN.
like, check this out:

So he’s guarding the door, right
that’s already pretty solid wingman behavior
but then it turns out Amphytrion is coming home early from war
and he sends a messenger to go tell his wife about it
and the messenger runs all the way to Alcmene’s room
only to find HIMSELF standing guard
and he’s like, Uhh hey
I’m here to tell the queen her husband’s back?
and hermes, who is impersonating the very person he is now speaking to
is like NO, IDIOT
CAN’T YOU SEE??
I’M YOU.
YOU MUST BE AN IMPOSTOR.
GO AWAY, SEX IS HAPPENING.
And guess what?
That messenger TOTALLY GOES AWAY.
and then this dude named Merlin walks by
and he’s like HEY THIS GIVES ME A GREAT IDEA FOR SOME ADULTERY I WAS PLANNING

So the messenger goes instantly mad, obviously
and returns to Amphytrion to convey the eldritch horror he has just experienced
leaving our beloved title character with no option
other than busting down his wife’s door all on his own.

So okay
I want you to put yourself in Amphytrion’s place for a moment
you just got back from a nice war
you’re ready for a relaxing victory shag in the royal quarters
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
and you walk in to find your wife
who, let me remind you, you just got pregnant
getting remorselessly drilled
BY YOU.

You guessed it: Insta-insane
Amphytrion loses all capacity to evaluate reality as a result of this
and this is in no way helped by the fact that Zeus CONTINUES TO INSIST
that he is the real Amphytrion
even though this seems like the perfect excuse for him to hit it and quit it
but anyway, no one can make sense of this literal clusterfuck
so they call a wise man named Blepharo to fix this shit

Guess what
Blepharo can’t figure this shit out either
I mean what the fuck is he supposed to do?
You better believe Zeus isn’t gonna half-ass his disguise
when getting laid is in the balance
this is a guy who has no problem turning into rape-birds
or gold with dicks
just for the joy of constantly starring in his own private espionage porno:
EMISSION: IMPOSSIBLE
so yeah, everyone is super perplexed.

but Alcmene fixes everything
by choosing this moment to squirt two babies out of her body
also lightning, apparently
which causes the already emotionally weakened Amphytrion to have a siezure
and then while he’s twitching on the ground
Zeus shows up like By the way guys
I did this.
Now lemme just jack one of these babies right quick
so I can make him suckle on my wife’s tits and become immortal
because guess who this baby is:
That’s right
FUCKING HERCULES.

But that’s a whole other story.

So the moral of this story
is if you’re gonna cheat on your spouse
try and do it with someone who looks exactly like them
because at least then you have some plausible deniability.

THE END.

(this is my new update schedule, by the by
Tuesdays and Fridays
get that tattooed on your arms so you will never forget)

Holy canoles you guys
never in my life have I read something
that so badly needed to be written by me instead of Sophocles
seriously this dude is captain of the S.S. Longwords
paddling liesurely along a lazy river ride of verbosity
on its way to a bunch of dead bodies
(the dead bodies being the bloodstained carrot
at the end of the proverbial stick this play has shoved up its ass)

For those of you who don’t know
which included me until like yesterday
Antigone is the sequel to Oedipus Rex
and what it lacks in clever plot twists
it makes up for in PATENTLY IRRATIONAL BEHAVIOR
so I’m gonna try something a little different today
and instead of paraphrasing the whole play, like a chump
I going to write my own play
it is called Antigone by Sophocles
LET’S DO THIS

ANTIGONE BY SOPHOCLES

By Ovid

(But not the real Ovid, though, the fake one)

(by which I mean me)

Enter ANTIGONE. You can tell she’s important because her name is almost the whole title. Her sister ISMENE is also here.

ANTIGONE: BOO HOO MY FAMILY SUCKS

ANTIGONE is Oedipus’s daughter, so this is a pretty reasonable complaint

ISMENE: Whoah, hey, I’M in your family, you know.
ANTIGONE: Oh yeah, that’s true. Wanna help me bury our brother’s body?
ISMENE: You wouldn’t happen to be referring to the brother who got exiled from the kingdom by our other brother and then came back with an army to enslave everyone and now both our bros are dead, would you?”
ANTIGONE: THAT IS EXACTLY WHO I AM TALKING ABOUT! You had a 50-50 shot and you got it on the first guess!
ISMENE: Dude, the new king Creon very specifically told everyone not to bury that guy. You know, cause of the whole “returning with an army to enslave everyone” thing. Pretty sure Creon actually promised to kill anyone who tried to bury that guy.
ANTIGONE: Okay, which is more important: not being executed, or putting dirt all over our dead treacherous brother?
ISMENE: Uh…
ANTIGONE: You know what, Ismene, YOU’RE A WUSS. Looks like I’m gonna have to go on this suicide mission all by myself!
ISMENE: No, stop, come back.

Both of them leave, but Antigone leaves harder, cause she’s going to go bury bodies, whereas her sister is gonna go be a wuss up in a tower or whatever. Now here comes king CREON, and then this GUARD runs up to him.

GUARD: King Creon! Holy shit!
CREON: What’s up
GUARD: You know that body you wanted to let rot in the middle of town for personal reasons? SOMEBODY FUCKING POURED DIRT ALL OVER IT.
CREON: FUCK!!!
GUARD: Please don’t kill me.
CREON: Thinking about it.
GUARD: Wait hold on.

GUARD leaves, comes back carrying ANTIGONE

GUARD: It was her. She did it. We dug up the body and she did it again, like an idiot.
CREON: Whoah Antigone, what the fuck. Did you do this?
ANTIGONE: Ayup. Dead bodies are gross and they need to have dirt on them.
CREON: I’m glad you feel so strongly about dead bodies, cause you’re about to BECOME ONE.
ANTIGONE: Worth it.

GUARD drags ANTIGONE away. Now here comes HAEMON. He is not a digimon, even though his name sounds like one. He is actually CREON’s son, and also engaged to ANTIGONE, so this is gonna be awkward.

CREON: Hey son, hope you aren’t mad that I’m gonna execute your fiancee.
HAEMON: Why would I be mad? You’re just keeping it real.
CREON: I’m glad you see it that way.
HAEMON: No wait I lied, what the fuck is wrong with you?
CREON: Uhh … just a little something called JUSTICE. Think about it. If we buried the bodies of all our horrible traitors instead of letting them rot in the streets, what would our city be like then, huh?
HAEMON: More sanitary, mainly. Dude just put some dirt on that body already. It’s not that big a deal, even.
CREON: I’M THE KING, I DO WHAT I WANT.
HAEMON: Alright, good luck with that.

Meanwhile, ANTIGONE gets buried alive in a pit or something.

ANTIGONE: I’M BEING BURIED IN A PIT AND I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

Oh shit here comes TIRESIAS. He is being led around by a little boy, because he is blind and he likes little boys.

CREON: Yo Tiresias, my main man, what is cracking?
TIRESIAS: I heard there was some bad decisions getting laid down here so I had to just stop by and warn everyone not to make those again.
CREON: Yeah, that is kind of what you’re always doing. That’s why I always listen to your prophecies and do what you tell me.
TIRESIAS: Oh man, that’s a relief. I was just gonna tell you that you shouldn’t bury your son’s girlfriend and leave corpses rotting in your streets, because burying dudes really isn’t a big deal.
CREON: FUCK YOU, I’M THE KING, I DO WHAT I WANT.
TIRESIAS: Okay dude, well I hate to tell you this but everybody you love is going to die, starting right now. Alright, come on Bobby, let’s go back to the mountains and watch snakes have sex.

TIRESIAS leaves, along with his BOY-SLAVE. Everyone is now fucked.

CREON: Yo advisors, I am suddenly very nervous about my terrible decisions. What do you think?
ADVISORS: We think you should probably listen to Tiresias. And your son, and Antigone, actually. Also us. In fact, the more we think about it, the more sure we are that you are the only person who agrees with what you are doing right now.
CREON: Oh shit, you’re right. Guess I’ll just go release Antigone now and live happily ever after.

CREON leaves. Then a MESSENGER shows up

MESSENGER: Oh shit guys, everyone killed themselves.
GUYS: Who’s everyone?
MESSENGER: Oh, well, first Antigone killed herself. Anyone who didn’t see that coming raise your hand. Then Haemon busted into her pit and found her dead, so first he tried to kill Creon, but he must not have tried very hard because he ended up just stabbing himself. And now in a couple minutes I’m gonna tell Creon’s wife Eurydice (no relation) about this and she’s gonna stab herself too.

That happens. Oh, and here comes CREON again. What does this guy want?

CREON: I’m back from witnessing the suicide of my son! …Aaaaand more dead bodies. Great. All up in my house. Guys, my life is pretty much the worst now. I’m going to my room.

CREON leaves forever

ISMENE: Remember me? I’m still alive!

CHORUS: The moral of the story is that if someone tells you they are going to kill you if you do a thing, maybe don’t do that thing!

THE END.

(Bonus points if someone does a staged reading of this and films it.)

So here’s one I totally glossed over back in the day

Okay, so there’s this kingdom with some dumb rulers
the queen (Cassiopeia) is real pretty
and the king (Cepheus) is just kinda there
so Cassiopeia gets it into her head that she’s not just real pretty
she is THE GODDAMNED PRETTIEST PRINCESS IN THE WHOLE GALAXY
This is wrong for a number of reasons.

ONE: She is not a princess
she is a queen.
TWO: These are greeks we’re talking about
I don’t think they even had any idea what a galaxy was
THREE: Oh yeah, gods get pissed when you say shit like that.
WE ARE GOING TO BE FOCUSING MAINLY ON PROBLEM THREE TODAY.

So one of Poseidon’s nymphs pricks up her ears and hears this nonsense
or rather, she digs poseidon’s prick out of her ears
how did poseidon get his prick in both of her ears, you ask?
what do you think that trident is MADE OF, my friends?
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS MADE OF

Anyway, this nymph hears Cassiopeia gettin’ all titflated over her beauty stats
and she’s like “HIGGITY-HELL NO.
POSEIDON:
SOLVE THIS BITCH’S MISCONCEPTIONS
WITH VIOLENCE.”
And Poseidon is like what’s that?
I can’t hear you over the sound of my dicks in your ears
and the nymph is like “I SAID KILL SOME MORTALS”
and Poseidon is like oh yeah ok
I do that all the time anyway.

So poseidon shows up at Cepheus’s palace like “Bad news, guys.
Looks like I’m gonna make a sea monster eat your daughter cause of some things your wife said
It would be nice if you could chain your daughter to a rock
you know
for the sea monster’s convenience.”
and Cepheus and Cassiopeia are bummed
but they have long ago come to terms with the fact
that sometimes they are going to have to give up daughters
in order to keep being arrogant all the time
so they chain their daughter Andromeda to a rock and they wait

but HOLY DEUS EX MACHINA, BATMAN
who happens to fly by right at this very moment but PERSEUS HIMSELF
he is sailing through the sky on a mile-high violence-boner
having just murdered medusa and taken her head
so he seas that sea monster getting ready to devour a hot chick
and he’s like “Holy shit, time to use my hero skills to nab some poon.”
so he runs down to Andromeda’s parents like “Hey guys
I will save your daughter from that monster
but then
FINDERS KEEPERS”
and the king and queen are both like “Okay okay sure”
So Perseus dive bombs that beast
and cuts its face open
and then he’s like “ALRIGHT, IT’S MARRIAGE TIME”
but then this other dude named Agenor pops up like HEY
ANDROMEDA PROMISED TO MARRY ME FIRST
and Perseus is like “Oh yeah?
Well pop quiz, douchelegs:
which one of us has a magic monster head that turns people to stone?
Oh man
are you having trouble answering my question?
Perhaps it is because I JUST TURNED YOU TO STONE WITH THIS MONSTER HEAD
HAHAHAHA”
then he grabs Andromeda and flies into space on his murderboner
and the rest is history
(and by history I mean constellations)

So the moral of the story
is that it would be a lot easier for you to get a date
if you had a monster head that turned people to stone.

Just sayin’

Hahaha holy shit
I totally forgot about this one
(see below for sad news about shirts, by the way)

Okay so there’s this nymph named Callisto
she’s hangin’ out, minding her own business
and for ZEUS: GOD OF LIGHTNING
hangin out minding your own business is the SEXIEST THING IN THE WORLD
so he’s got his dick out and everything
but he knows he’s gotta be super crafty
because Callisto has already been warned about the likes of him
by ARTEMIS HERSELF
the goddess of NO SEXY-TIMES FOREVER
so here’s what he does
are you ready for this?
okay
so Zeus turns into Artemis
and he goes down to Callisto like “Hey
remember all that stuff I said earlier about no sex?
Haha what a wacky miscommunication!
What i meant was every sex
all the time
starting NOW”
at which point Zeus leaps out of his ladysuit and
(in the words of one of the more watered-down versions I found)
“Makes Callisto his girlfriend.”
wow
that’s gotta be the creepiest euphemism for the nonconsensual crotch-gouge I’ve ever heard.

Anyway, Callisto gets pregnant
like ya do
and then she happens to run into her old pal Artemis
who’s like “hey girl what’s up where have you been?
not having any sex, I hope!
HAHAHAHAHA!”
and callisto is like “Uh yeah.”
and Artemis is like “Great!
Let’s celebrate by getting naked and rubbing soap all over each other
and then killing any men who happen to stumble upon our incredibly sexy bath routine”
and Callisto is like “Uh”
and Artemis is like “NONSENSE. TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES”
but when Callisto takes off her clothes, it is pretty obvious she’s preggo
cause Zeus’s manbatter rises quickly, if you know what I mean
so Artemis is like “YOU SLAG
GET OUT”
Wow
way to support a woman who has just been raped, Artemis
you do a real bang-up job of sticking up for your girls.
Anyway then Callisto goes off on her own and has a baby named Arcus.

MEANWHILE
Artemis is up on Olympus gossiping with Hera
and she’s like “OH. MY. GOD, Hera
I had this one nymph in my posse, right
her name was Callisto
and what did she do?
she went and got herself RAPED
by your HUSBAND.
God, the nerve of some people”
and Hera is like “YES.
THE NERVE.”

Awesome
so now justice is about to be served for real
let’s cut on over to Zeus’s place to watch the shit hit the fan.
… Wait
nothing’s happening over here
Zeus is just hangin’ out listening to his favorite jams
where’s Hera?
Where could she possibly be?
Oh
there she is
over there, where Callisto is
REVENGIN’

she’s like “Oh hey there, slankblanket
so you like humping my husband, huh?
well how about I turn you INTO A BEAR
RAAAAAAR”
and at first Callisto is like SWEET, BEARS ARE AWESOME
but then she’s like RAAAAAR I’M A BEAR
and then even later she’s like RAAAAAR I’M A BEAR AND I’M SAD
because she misses her son
who didn’t turn into a bear
and got raised by his grandpa instead
but then it’s okay
because one day fifteen years later
Arcus is out hunting and he TOTALLY RUNS INTO HIS MOM
and his mom is like YAYYYY MY SON
and her son is like OH FUCK A BEAR
and he shoots an arrow at her
like ya do
and she’s about to get TOTALLY MURDERED
when Zeus hears the sounds of her screaming over his favorite jams
and he’s like OH SHIT
PROBLEMS
QUICK:
BULLET TIME
and then the arrow goes into SLOOWWWWW MOTION
and Zeus comes down and he’s like ok let’s see
I could just move this arrow so it doesn’t kill Callisto
but that’s LAAAAAME
FUCK IT
EVERYONE IS CONSTELLATIONS NOW
So Callisto becomes Ursa Major
and Arcus becomes that other bear constellation
even though he wasn’t a bear and that kinda sucks for him but oh well

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is that bears are people too
really gnarly radical people with sharp claws who will try to murder you
and then time stops and you turn into bears also.

THE END.