At the behest of Patreon
today I will be filling in some holes in the story of Baldur’s death
as originally told by cowardly murder victim Snorri Sturluson
(hehe holes)
(I’m sorry)
(I didn’t want to turn this opening paragraph into sexual innuendo)
(do you ever feel like you’re trapped in your life?)
(like every successive boner joke sucks out a little more of your life force?)
(hehe, suck)

Right so Baldur is dead
we covered this years ago
but what we didn’t talk about
was his FUNERAL
WOOO FUNNNNNN

okay I was being sarcastic when i said woo fun
but actually the funeral is pretty dope
I mean you guys know what a viking funeral is right?
it’s when you put a dead body in a boat
and then set the boat on fire
aka THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE WAY TO BE CREMATED

obviously Baldur is a viking so he is getting a viking funeral
but the problem is that Baldur is the most viking viking ever
which would not be a problem if he was alive obviously
but is a problem now because he has THE BIGGEST BOAT IN THE WORLD
his boat even has a NAME i don’t give a shit about
so the gods load Baldur’s body into the boat
but then they’re like “shit
how are we going to get this boat into the water?”
and Thor’s like “Uh, hey”
and the gods are like “If only one of us was strong enough to push it”
and Thor’s like “Hello guys, hey”
and the gods are like “Hmm … looks like we’re going to need a giantess for this”
and Thor’s like “HEY COME ON.”

But they do it
they invite a giantess named Hyrrokin
and she shows up riding a wolf
with DEADLY SNAKES as a bridle
probably wearing a leather jacket and smoking like 9 cigarettes
and Thor is like “Somebody’s trying a little too hard”
but nobody hears him because the motor on Hyrrokin’s wolf is too loud

So then Hyrrokin gets off her wolf
and Odin sends four berserkers to hold it
(and remember
berserkers are the elite viking warriors who are SO VIOLENT
that if you’re sending them into battle
you better make sure there are enough enemies to kill
because if there aren’t, they’ll make up the quota with your dudes)
and the four berserkers can’t calm the wolf down
without beating it totally fucking senseless
so Hyrokkin walks away from this bloody wolf melee
not even looking back
takes off her shades
and is like “Yo
Somebody call for a boat moving specialist?”
and everybody’s like “SO COOL”
and Thor is like “I mean i have a hammer only I can lift but whatever”

Then Hyrrokin goes up to the boat
and she’s like “Haha is this the boat you need moved?
I almost didn’t see it because it’s SO SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT
it’s like a rowboat had a baby with another, smaller rowboat
fucking adorable
now watch this drive”
and she punches that boat into the water SO HARD
that the logs they put under the boat to help it go into the water
CATCH FUCKING FIRE
and there’s an EARTHQUAKE
and Hyrrokin is like “Wow that was easy
what’s next?
yall got some jars you need opened or anything?”
and Thor’s like “I’LL OPEN YOUR JAR YOU FUCKING SHOW-STEALER”
but before he can whip out his hammer everybody’s like “Whoa dude
chill out
don’t know what you’ve got against our cool new best friend Hyrrokin
no need to get mad
just because she was literally the only one strong enough to do this”
and Thor is like “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALRIGHT THEN
JUST GONNA BLESS THIS FUNERAL PYRE WITH MY HAMMER THEN
YOU KNOW
THE HAMMER I HAVE BECAUSE I’M THE STRONGEST”
and everyone’s like “Cool dude whatever”

Then Baldur’s wife is really sad for some reason
so she throws herself on the fire and immediately dies
and they throw Baldur’s horse in the fire too
and that golden ring that shits out other rings
so basically all their best stuff
and during the ceremony
Thor kicks a dwarf named Litur into the fire too
and nobody says anything about it
because fuck dwarves.

So the moral of the story
is next time you go to a funeral
show up riding a fucking wolf

the end

Someone told me about this myth
so now I will tell it to you
this is great, see
this is like you are all little children
sitting around my internet rocking chair
and you are all like TELL US A STORY UNCLE OVID
and I am like sure kids get me another beer
and then I inhale some cherry pipe tobacco
and exhale some dope myths
LIKE THIS

So Thor has a wife
remember her?
she’s the one who loki shaved as a joke
that’s about all I know about her
other than she has a pretty unfortunate name
it is Sif
this story is not about her
it is about some other chick named Jarnsaxa
who Thor made some sex with and then babies came out
Jarnsaxa is a giant
because none of the norse gods ever seem to hook up with other norse gods
come to think of it
most gods in most mythologies
only hook up with other gods on special occasions
like the beginning of the world or the trojan war or whatever
I think this must be
because they all secretly realize how unpleasant they all are

anyway Thor puts some babies in Jarnsaxa
and being that he is thor, god of thunder
the babies that he forces her to incubate are MODI AND MAGDI
for those of you who do not speak norse
that’s ANGRY AND STRONG
TWO GREAT TRAITS FOR A FEARSOME WARRIOR
TWO TERRIBLE TRAITS FOR A SCREAMING MEAT-BULLET YOU’RE TRYING TO BLAST OUT YOUR BABY CANNON
anyway Modi is a good young lad
and behaves himself and doesn’t end up in any stories until ragnarok
which he survives
I guess because ANGER IS FOREVER
Magdi, on the other hand, is a whole other story
or i guess he’s the story I was gonna tell you guys
cause ok check it out:

one day Thor is putting his hammer through things, like usual
and on this particular day the things he is putting his hammer through are giants
also like usual
today it is this giant named Hrungir
who’s weapon is a giant whetstone
which is a terrible weapon
because you’re just gonna make the other dude’s weapon more sharp
except thor’s weapon is a hammer and you don’t sharpen hammers
so I guess Thor is doing this shit the hard way
AS USUAL
anyway Hrungnir throws his whetstone at Thor
again, not a great weapon
it’s basically like a regular rock
except shittier because then thor hits it an it shatters
and pieces of it go right into the inside of Thor’s FACE
OW
I mean WHATEVER though
Thor doesn’t need his face
you don’t murder with your face
or at least, you murder much less effectively with your face than with hammers
so thor uses his hammer to murder Hrungir
by straight shattering his head
lotta shattering in this story
then Thjalfi just kinda nudged Hrungnir a little and he falls over
“with little glory”
which is ancient norse for
“Like a chump”

the shitty part is where he falls though
namely, on top of thor
now there is a big giant foot on Thor and he cannot lift it
because yes
there are certain things Thor cannot lift
so Thjalfi is like dude whatever
I can lift a giant foot
i just knocked him over with little glory
lemme just get a good grip on HRRRUNNGGHHHHHHH
but it’s no use
Thjalfi is some seriously weak shit
so he does calls up the Aesir like yo
you guys like being strong right
come be strong at this giant foot that is on top of thor
and the Aesir are like WE’LL BE RIGHT OVER

so the gods start showing up
like 100% of the gods
and they take turns tugging on these titanic toes
to no
fucking
avail
and to be clear
these are the kinds of dudes who can bench press Miami
bite the heads off statues and trap racecars between their taut buttcheeks
they are capital s-t-r-o-n-g MUSCULAR
but they are failing harder than I failed english the year i discovered what boobs were

finally
while all the gods are sitting around feeling sorry for themselves
this fucking baby shows up
yeah guys
a fucking baby
because i forgot to like line this up for you timewise
Modi and Magdi were born like THREE DAYS AGO
and it is Magdi who has just showed up to the feet party
he just sort of babystruts over to Thor
lightly lifts up that foot
and tosses it over way the fuck nowhere
and he’s like damn guys
I wish i’d gotten here earlier
but i was busy being born and stuff
maybe next time you plan on failing a whole bunch really rapidly
give me a call and I’ll come by and watch
anyway, peace
i gotta go poop myself and put my mouth on boobs
and Thor is like oh my gods
children are such a good investment
here Magdi, have Hrungnir’s golden horse
and Magdi is like awesome
I mean I’m a fucking baby, but it’s the thought that counts
and then he leaves and Odin is like THOR
THORRRRR
YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GIVE HORSES TO FUCKING BABIES
YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM TO YOUR DAD
AND THAT DAD IS ME
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THOR
and Thor is like whatever dad you don’t own me

so the moral of the story
is that if you find a dude trapped under the rock
you need to make sure to steal his stuff BEFORE someone frees him
because otherwise he’s just going to give it to that dude
and then what do you have
REGRETS

THE END

So there’s this giant named Skrymir
which, yes, is pretty much an anagram for Skyrim
so have fun with that lawsuit, ancient norse dudes
but anway, one day Skrymir just runs up to a dude
who is standing in the middle of a thunderstorm
because he didn’t check the weather report before going apple-picking
and Skrymir is like DUDE
I WILL PLAY YOU CHESS FOR YOUR LIFE

now this dude is a dude who goes apple-picking in thunderstorms
which means he’s not what you would call a chess grand master
but it also means he’s too stupid to realize that
so despite the fact that he doesn’t even know the rules of chess
he agrees to play

AND HE WINS
I don’t know what kind of dude runs around
challenging people to life-or-death chess games
despite the fact that he is TERRIBLE AT CHESS
but apparently his name is Skrymir
and he has yet to grasp the finer points of hustling

So Skrymir is like bro, bro
let me buy my life back from you, yeah?
and the dude is like sure
but it’s gonna cost you
it’s gonna cost you ALL OF THE BOOZE
and ALL THE BACON
and by bacon I mean ACTUAL BACON
not bacon as in money
although actually I want all the money too
and build me a huge hollywood dream house
and make it so no one in my house ever dies either
and Skrymir is like YES, WONDERFUL
WHAT A FAIR AND TOTALLY NON-IMPOSSIBLE PRICE YOU HAVE SET

so the dude goes home to his wife
and his wife is like hey honey where have you been
and he’s like oh you know
just picking apples in a rainstorm and pissing off giants for profit
the usual
and his wife is like oh cool cool
i’m just gonna head down to the cellar for a bit
to wait out the vengeful shitstorm you’ve called down upon us

meanwhile, Skrymir is traveling all over the world
reaming treasure out of mountains like a 14-karat enema
building this fantasy castle the dude has commissioned
and getting very, VERY pissed.

But he still builds the castle
because giants are basically the ultimate contractors
and the dude takes one look at its shiny majesty
struts inside
and proceeds to abide.

YEARS PASS
the dude gets a reputation as a pretty chill fellow
throwing sick feasts and inviting whoever
when suddenly Skrymir shows up like DUDE
LET’S PLAY CHESS
I HAVE BEEN TAKING LESSONS

I don’t think I need to remind you about how dumb this guy is
he plays another game of chess against the giant
and this time
HE LOSES
luckily he wasn’t playing for his life or his castle
just a little thing called his SON

naturally the dude can’t be arsed to pay up
so instead
he calls up the number one dude for getting out of deals with giants:
ODIN
he’s like Odin, buddy, hide my son for me
and Odin is like well you’re rich, so okay
and then he makes a huge field of wheat grow up overnight
and he hides the kid inside a single grain of a single stalk of wheat
instead of just letting the kid crash at Asgard for a couple nights
because in case it isn’t clear already
Odin is a phenomenal cheapass

so the next day Skrymir comes to get the kid
and the kid is nowhere around
but there IS this suspicious wheat field that wasn’t there yesterday
so he’s like HMMM
and just puts the whole wheatfield in his mouth
which understandably freaks out the kid hiding in the wheatfield
so Odin is like okay dude, okay, just come out and run over to me
I’ll take you back to your dad
then he goes back to the castle and hands over the kid
like welp
problem solved, right?

WHAT? NO! There is still an angry giant looking for this kid
but Odin called no tag-backs, so they have to go bug another god
Hoenir
who has never done anything useful for anyone ever
and Hoenir’s big plan is to just do what Odin did
except with seagulls instead of wheat
and feathers instead of grains
but here’s the problem with this plan:
BIRDS ARE BASICALLY AT MOUTH-HEIGHT FOR GIANTS
so Skrymir is just going through his morning routine
walking around swallowing pelicans
when the kid he’s looking for just ends up inside his mouth
(this is one of those “I swear it’s not what it looks like officer” situations)
at which point Hoenir is like okay that went bad
here kid, teleport back to me real quick
I’ll take you back to your parents

what i don’t get at this point
is if they can just teleport the kid whenever they want
why bother hiding him inside things that giants like to eat?
it’s like they’re charging by the hour or something
anyway then Hoenir dumps the kid with his parents
and is like there, problem solved
that will be six million gold, parts and labor

so Hoenir peaces out
thus once again failing to be at all useful
which is when the dude and his wife bust out plan Z
the plan you only enact if you want all your shit stolen
sold for a profit
stolen again
and then stacked in a big heap so horses can have sex on it
that’s right
THEY CALL LOKI
and Loki is like here is what I need you to do, dude:
first, build a boathouse with a wide door
then hang a metal club or spike or something over the door
and then leave the rest to me
I’ve got this like I’ve got horse-herpes

then Loki goes and pulls some Hoenir/Odin shit
but with fish and their eggs instead of wheat and birdhair
and then he invites Skrymir to come fishing with him
which is dumb, because Skrymir catches the fish the kid is hid in
and loki asks him for the fish
and he’s like no I’m going to find the kid in this fish
I know he’s in there
but then loki just has the kid get out of the fish egg
and stand behind him so the giant can’t see him
and when they land, the kid jumps out of the boat and starts running
and the giant chases him, but he’s way too fat to run on sand
so he sinks in
and the kid runs into the boathouse
and Skrymir follows
and just impales his face on that metal spike
or club
or whatever was in there
and then loki chops off his legs
except they grow back together
until loki stuffs a bunch of sticks and stones in there
and puts an end to that.
then Skrymir dies of legless
and the problem is ACTUALLY solved

So the moral of the story
is that sticks and stones may break your bones
but CHESS is really deadly

the end.

(Below this post is a post about how you should buy shirts)

Today’s myth comes courtesy of crafty norse monster
Lisa “Big Bad” Wolfsson
and it is about rape, murder, and technicalities

Okay so Baldur
he’s dead because of some bullshit Loki did
but instead of blaming it on loki
(as anyone who has read the NORSE CRISIS FLOWCHART rightly would)
they decide to blame it on Hodor
the dumb blind idiot who threw a spear into his brother’s chest
… okay I guess that’s fair, though.

Anyway
when you get blamed for shit in norse mythology
you don’t get off with just a slap on the wrist
you get off with a slap in the HEART
and by slap i mean KNIFE
but this raises a serious problem
which is that the norse are duty-bound
to execute this terrible revenge algorithm
wherein any dude who kills another dude
is fair game to be killed by the dead dude’s family
so anyone who kills Hodor to avenge Baldur
is gonna get cut up by Hodor’s family
and then the dude who cut up THAT dude is gonna get cut up
and on and on
til the break of ragnarok

But Odin is no fool
dude gave up his RIGHT EYE to not be a fool
which still seems to me like a pretty fucking foolish thing to do
but maybe that’s why he’s so wise now
like he took his eyeball out of his head
and then dropped it into a well
and was like “damn
that was seriously fucking silly
maybe I should stop making dumb decisions forever”
so what he does
is he digs up this dead chick
and he molests her skull
until she tells him
that what he needs to do
is get some russian princess pregnant
and then force her one-day-old baby to murder hodor
thus absolving everyone of responsibility
…
okay I think maybe the norse just have a different definition of dumb decisions

so Odin dresses up in some armor
and he goes over to russia to seduce this chick
(whose name is Rind)
and he gets mad respect from Rind’s dad by being a sick warrior
and then finally he’s like “hey rind’s dad
i would like to fondle your daughter’s tits”
and the king is like “yeah ok”
and Rind is like “HIGGITY HEL NO”
and smacks Odin right back to Asgard

This is where a wise person might have just abandoned the mission
but Odin is turned on by wanton violence
so instead he disguises himself as a jewelsmith
and goes back to Rind like “Hey girl
I will give you all this sweet jewelry
if you jump up and down on my wang”
but instead of that
Rind proceeds to jump up and down on Odin’s FACE
and not in the sexy way
because apparently not everyone is as much of a goldslut as Freyja

So finally Odin realizes
this chick must be a lesbian
and with that in mind
he disguises himself as a woman
and gets a job as Rind’s chambermaid
but he’s not taking any chances this time
so first he uses some magic runes to make her sick
and then he’s like “Hey king
I have a special potion that will cure your daughter
but it tastes so bad we’ll have to tie her down before i give it to her
and also you have to leave me alone in the room with her
for uh
science”
and the king is like “WHY YES THIS IS NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL”
and then Rind gets mysteriously pregnant!

Fast forward nine months
no sooner has Rind popped out this baby
then Odin is like YOINK
HERE BABY HAVE THIS KNIFE
and he duct tapes a knife to this baby
and throws it at Hodor
who is so bummed about killing Baldur
that he doesn’t even try to avoid the knifebaby
plus he’s blind, I think
and then he’s dead
and no one has the guts to kill a knifebaby
so Odin just totally gets away with this bullshit
and to make up for all the crafty rape
he steals Rind away from all her friends and family
and forces her to live in Asgard forever with her murder child

so the moral of the story
is that he who wants to be without sin
should cast the first knifebaby

THE END.

Alright guys
the format for my book is getting finalized
and unfortunately part of that finalization
means eliminating myths that are making me go over the page count
but your loss is your gain, actually
because that means that any myths I have to take out of the book
i can put up here
like for example
this one
So here’s a little story that illustrates just how different the Norse gods are
from ALL THE OTHER GODS EVERYWHERE:

So Odin, right?
He’s the Allfather
king of the gods
chopped up his giant dad and fed him to the sky.
Dude has friends in high places is what I’m saying
and all of those friends in high places
they are all WAY overshadowed by the high place that Odin is at
which is a big tower
equipped with a chair
that lets him check out ANY PERSON at ANY TIME
so if anyone is going to be omnipotent
it’s gonna be him, right?
WRONG, SUGARTITS.
THIS IS THE NORSE PANTHEON
WHERE EVEN YOUR PRECIOUS GODS SUCK ASS AND DIE.

Observe:
So Odin is a guy who likes knowledge.
He will do pretty much anything for knowledge
all the way from reading the entire encyclopedia
to this one time
when he NAILED HIMSELF TO A TREE.
YGDRASSIL, THE WORLD TREE, to be precise.
How does one even nail one’s self to a tree?
At a certain point I feel like you run out of hands to nail yourself with
although I guess Odin is the Allfather
and the least the Norse can do for their Allfather
is give him extra hands to help CRUCIFY HIMSELF WITH.

So why is he doing this?
Well apparently he is doing this in order to invent writing.
Yeah
he has to sacrifice himself
TO HIMSELF
in order for some invisible switch to flip in the universe
and unlock writing for everybody.
He has to sacrifice himself for NINE DAYS to do this
and during that time he does not eat or sleep or anything
and he only stops when the nails actually RIP THROUGH HIS BODY
and he falls down onto the ground
screaming
like you do when you’ve been nailed to a tree for nine days.
And then he knows all these runes
like the runes for increase and power and war
and most importantly
SEXUAL PROWESS.
Yep, guys
Odin stapled himself to a tree-stump for a week and a half
in order to make his dick work more efficiently.
That’s commitment.

So the moral of the story
is that you are not trying hard enough in bed.

The end.

Feeling kinda sentimental today guys
so i’m just going to say
that I deeply appreciate y’all showing up here all the time
and assisting me in my project of mythological self-education
I started this thing as an excuse to learn a bunch of myths
like the way Neil Gaiman does, or other literary heroes
and then to shout said myths real loud into the internet
and you guys are largely responsible for the continued success of this project
so yeah, thanks

ANYWAY let’s talk about some really huge mistakes a guy made

What guy, you ask?
I will give you a hint:
HIS NAME IS IN THE TITLE OF THE POST
and to say he cocks it all up
really does not do justice to the sheer baby-in-a-blender incompetence
displayed by Freyr in this tale

so one day Freyr is out dicking around
the way you do when you’re a god
like really
what else are you gonna do?
none of these people seem to have jobs
basically it seems like the universe is run by a bunch of fucking trust fund babies
which really, now that I think about it, explains a lot

SO HE’S DICKING AROUND
and he sees a hot chick named Gerðr
I am not sure how he sees her
seeing as she lives all the way in Jotunheim
and I don’t know how she’s a hot chick
since her mom, Angrboda
is also responsible for birthing a giant wolf, a giant snake, and HELL
but somehow a bunch of improbable circumstances line up here
and he catches her in a really flattering light or something
and that light flatters Gerðr SO HARD
that it sends Freyr into a love coma

now, you know how it is when your friend is in a love coma
how it is
is that you cannot think of anything
except how much you wish your friend would stop being in a fucking love coma
so to that end, the gods get together
and they convince Freyr’s servant Skirnir
to go find out why his boss is being an emo bitch right now
and that’s what Skirnir does.

So Skirnir’s like Yo Freyr how’s it hangin
and Freyr is like DROOPY AS SHIT, MY FRIEND
I am trying to get all up on this chick Gerðr
but the problem is that I’m a huge pussy and I don’t know how to talk to girls
bro
will you be my wingman, bro?
and Skirnir’s like YES

Here’s the problem, though
Skirnir
is
A BASTARD
he’s like Oh man I’ll totally get you laid, dude
but first you have to hook me up with sweet loot
give me your magic sword, and I will deliver the tits

FOOTNOTE:
FREYR’S SWORD IS SOME SERIOUS MOJO
it is a sword that fights ALL BY ITSELF
seriously, you don’t even need to be there
you could go away
get a sandwich
come back, hey
more murders happened!
Honestly I don’t know why everyone doesn’t just get these
but if only one person is gonna have one
I guess it makes sense that it would be Freyr
because if you are too much of a pussnexus to talk to girls
chances are that you are also not too good at single combat
because nothing more closely resembles dating
than single combat
maybe that’s just me
maybe not everyone you’ve ever dated has brought landmines to the first date
if so then you can just disregard this aside
and go on with your PERFECT FUCKING LIFE.
BACK TO THE STORY AT HAND:

So Freyr agrees to these shitty terms
which is probably a good thing overall
because the sword only works if you’re wise
and any dude who would trade away a magic sword for boobs is definitely not that
and then Skimir goes away
and uses even more skeezy bargaining powers to convince Gerðr that this is a good idea
like, despite the fact that the dude who is apparently so into her
doesn’t even give enough fucks to show up himself
and then Gerðr and Freyr get married
and they live happily ever after
until ragnarok comes and Freyr dies because he doesn’t have a sword
man, I really wish there was an effective way to slowclap on the internet.

So the moral of the story
is that everyone is already knows
about bros before hos
but even more importantly in the long run
broadswords before broads.

THE END.

Guys guys
I found a new norse myth
thanks to dedicated follower FellatioFlower69
I totally thought I was out of those!
So yeah, if you know any I haven’t done, totally tell me about those
cause as you are about to see, this one is pure quality
(also if you know any favorite Japanese or Hindu myths, I’m all ears)

ANYWAY

So when last we left our heroes
they had just blown up this giant named Thjazzi
who was also an eagle for some reason
but PLOT TWIST, my sexy friends
you see, it turns out Thjazzi had a FAMILY.
FAMILY? WHAAAAAAT??
Thjazzi can’t have a family!
He’s one of the enemies!
Enemies don’t have families!
That’s what makes killing them so righteous and easy!

But I guess Tjazzi didn’t get the memo about that
because he just went ahead and got bizzy with some giant lady
and had himself a girl named Skadi
also known as Öndurguð
which means SKI GOD

So Skadi is tearing the shit out of some truly righteous slopes
when she finds out her dad caught on fire and died
which makes her go WHAAAAAAT
and immediately haul ass off those prolapsed slopes
and down to Asgard where she wastes no time yelling at dudes
she’s like DUDES
THAT EAGLE YOU JUST SET ON FIRE WAS MY DAD
and the dudes are all like OH NO WHATEVER
but Skadi’s about to blow the whole place up with her ferocious skiing
so Odin just does what he normally does in these situations
he offers marriage as a consolation prize!

so Skadi’s like All right
I like where this is going
but as my dead eagle dad always used to say
good things come in threes
like juggling balls and threesomes
so condition 1 is I get to marry one of your dudes
condition 2 is that you have to memorialize my dad somehow
and condition THREE is that you have to make me laugh

SO FOR CONDITION ONE
all the dudes in Asgard line up to potentially bone this hot brutal ski lady
but the thing is
Skadi has a SERIOUS foot fetish
so she decides to choose a dude based SOLELY on the condition of his feet
(haha get it? sole like feet? Yeah man I went to college for this shit)
so she sees some absolutely toe-tacular shoestuffers
and assumes they must be the feet of Baldur
and so immediately agrees to marry him
but then it turns out to be this other god Njord
who no one cares about
and eventually they get divorced

so that’s 0 for 1 right there for Skadi
but the good news is she’s still got 2 more conditions to fill
so for the next one Odin’s like ALRIGHT
I am going to memorialize your father in the only way I know how
which is to tear out his eyeballs and throw them into the sky
and hopefully they become stars or something
and Skadi is like I don’t know how I feel about that
and Odin is like this is what you signed up for
when you entered the Norse pantheon
this is how we do funerals in brutal scandanavian ice-hell

alright, so zero for two now
things aren’t looking too good for Skadi
but there’s still hope
because if the gods can’t meet Skadi’s last request
she wins like infinite handjobs or something
I don’t know
that’s generally how these things work, right?
well whatever
the point is that Skadi is feeling pretty confident
because she is a SERIOUSLY SOMBER DAME
like for real
this chick would not laugh if you stapled her to a tank of nitrous oxide
stripped naked and surrounded on all sides by the whirling feathers of the hilarity pelican
although to be honest I don’t think anyone would be able to laugh in that situation
because of all the staples
WHATEVER
the point is that Skadi’s condition is not unique
these are NORSE gods after all
none of them even know what joy IS
none of them, that is, except for loki
Loki is the straight up macguyver of making people bust a gut
he just steps up like “alright guys
all I need is a piece of string, and a goat”
now for many people, just those words would be enough
but this is a tough crowd Loki is dealing with
and he is used to dealing with them
he knows that he is going to have to jape harder than he has ever japed before
he is going to have to tap into his deepest reserves of jocularity
he is going to have to hone his comedian’s wit to a razor’s edge

so he ties the goat to his balls.
that is – no fooling – what happens in this ancient myth about familial honor
Loki ties a goat to his balls and runs around screaming until Skadi cracks a smile
which means she has to go away and be happy about her ugly husband
and never again mention the fact that the Aesir set her dad on fire
and then threw his bleeding eyeballs into space

SO
FINAL SCORE:
Odin: 3
Skadi: 0
Loki: still has his balls tied to a goat
I hope that works out well for him.

THE END.

Alright so good afternoon guys
I hope you are having a good rapture
I’m autoposting this in case I ascend to heaven
although honestly
i do not expect my blog’s readership to be noticeably effected by this cosmic event
I hear ragnarok is scheduled for next thursday at three though
so uh
watch out for that

But so Ho-lee shit

I don’t know why they even called it thor
I probably would have titled it
LOOSE CONFEDERATION OF WUSSES
i mean
i understand it’s an adaptation of a comic book
which is an adaptation of the actual myth
and that’s why I’m not going to complain about little things
like how loki is not Odin’s son
or how Odin has no need to crown a new king because he’s NOT DYING
or how the frost giants are only like 7 feet tall tops
or how Sif is supposed to be thor’s wife
or how they call the Aesir “Asgardians”
or how Heimdall allows thor on the bifrost with Mjolnir
even though that would fucking BREAK THE WHOLE THING
or how Mjolnir is apparently “forged in the heart of a dying star”
instead of by some goldhungry dwarves who keep getting bitten on the eyes by flies
or how they decided to invent Fandral the Dashing
and Volstagg the Fat Idiot
while simultaneously ommitting Tyr, Baldur and Freyr
or how Thor refers to Midgard as “earth”
or how they came up with some bullshit called the Odin Sleep
which is basically just extended plot device nappytimes for Odin
or how people are actually afraid thor might die at any point
despite the fact that he is not prophesied to die until FUCKING RAGNAROK

no

I’m not going to complain about any of those things
i’m not even going to complain about how the only two characters I liked
were a dimensional gatekeeper who says maybe ten words over the course of the movie
and a female poli sci major
with the same first name as the main male protagonist from PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

and to be fair,
they actually did Loki pretty spot on
he started out with a really clever ploy:
get Thor to idiot his way all the way out of asgard
and then Odin Nappytimes happened so that made things work out even better
and then
right when he has the opportunity to put the win in the bag
he just stats shitting all over himself
like literally
he contracts the frost giants to come kill his sleeping dad
he BRINGS THEM INTO ASGARD
they get into the sleepytimes room
and BAM
that is when loki kills all of the giants
to make his father proud?
POINT ONE:
NOT YOUR DAD ASSHOLE
POINT TWO:
WEREN’T YOU TRYING TO BE KING A MINUTE AGO? THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF DOING THAT
POINT THREE:
YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO BRING THEM ALL THE WAY HERE TO KILL THEM
THERE IS A WHOLE ICEWORLD FULL OF THESE FUCKERS JUST RIPE FOR THE MURDERING

but again
not complaining about Loki’s shitty plan
because that’s pretty much the only kind of plan loki ever makes
no
you wanna know what pisses me off?
I’ll give you a hint:
his name is in the title
give up?
ahem

THOR IS A HUUUUUUUUGE PUSSY
huge
we’re talking hotdog down a hallway status
cucumber down a mineshaft
whatever
pick any phallic object
pair it with the cavernous passageway of your choice
and you’ve got a pretty good idea of Thor’s MO in this movie
seriously
here’s what happens in the movie:
Thor’s gonna get kinged
but then OH NO OOPS GIANTS ATTACK
now instead of being king thor gets pranked by loki into attacking the giants
and Odin
who for some reason DOESN’T WANT ANY DEAD GIANTS ANYWHERE
banishes him
then falls asleep because i guess banishing makes you tired
Loki decides he is king
which pisses everyone else off but they do not respond with violence for some reason
thor prances around on earth
talking in a british accent
occasionally behaving in an anachronistic manner
punching a couple dudes
but ultimately adjusting remarkably quickly
to a world with domesticated electricity and laws against murder
he falls in love with some chick
who ALMOST has the name as the author of Pride and Prejudice
and she falls in love with him because pecs
then there’s a huge fire robot and a handful of punches
then thor proves that the power was inside him all along
or actually it was in mjolnir
which is programmed to return to his hand as soon as he becomes pure of heart
then thor goes home and punches loki a lot
which isn’t much of a feat honestly
loki is trying to blow up Jotunheim with the bifrost
which is a gun now i guess
but then thor becomes king by destroying that gunbridge
and his dad wakes up and loki falls off a cliff
WHATEVER

if I had written this movie
it would have been ten minutes long
here is the script:

THOR: Hey dad i just found some frost giants trying to steal our shit so I killed them
ODIN: THIS IS TROUBLING INDEED
THOR: I figured I’d go over to Jotunheim and kill all the other frost giants
ODIN: SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN SON
(They high five. Thor goes to Jotunheim and kills all the giants. FADE TO BLACK.)

now ok
I realize this is more of a gripe about ODIN being a pussy
I mean what Aesir wants peace with ANYONE EVER?
but i swear Thor is a huge pussy too
I mean he finds himself in new fucking mexico
surrounded by puny earth people who hit him with TWO CARS
and he miraculously agrees to wear shirts and not constantly kill people
to prove my point I am going to be taking selected quotes from the IMDB page
and rewriting them as they should have been written to begin with:

Thor: How dare you threaten the son of Odin with such a puny weapon!
Darcy: [Darcy tasers him]
Thor: I’M THE MOTHERFUCKING GOD OF THUNDER
Thor: [Thor bites off Darcy’s face]

Thor: [tasting coffee for the first time] This drink… I like it! More!
[smashes the cup]
Jane Austen: What are you doing?
Thor: It was good, I want another.
Jane: Then ask for one, don’t smash the cup on the ground.
Thor: DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Thor: [Proceeds to rampage through the diner, chucking patrons out of windows]

Thor: For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do…
Thor: Oh wait.
Thor: Punching.
Thor: How could I forget?
Thor: [Resumes Punching]

Thor: Can I come home?
Loki: The truce with Jotunheim is conditional upon your exile.
Thor: Oh. Well … Uh…
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
Thor: [Punches straight through Loki’s sternum and then flies back to Asgard]

so
the verdict:
thor is a pretty good movie
if you’re really into movies that suck a whole lot

THE END.