Jonah Has a Right To Be Pissed

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I had a dream where Hunter S. Thompson dove into the ocean
to punch a giant shark in the eye again and again
and it reminded me of this myth
enjoy:

so there’s this dude Jonah
it’s not particularly clear who he is or where he’s from
he’s just another living canvas
for God’s continuous mural of divine jack-assery
so basically Jonah is minding his own business one day
and god shows up like JONAH
JONAH
THERE’S THIS CITY I DON’T LIKE CALLED NINEVEH
GO TELL THEM THEY’RE GONNA DIE
and Jonah is like Aw hellll no
i know how this story goes
you tell me to go fuck over this town
and then my wife disobeys some arbitrary rule you set
and turns into some kind of tasty breakfast seasoning
no
fuck this
i’m going to tahiti

so Jonah hops the first ship to tahiti
probably hoping to get out of God’s jurisdiction or something
but God is not like vampires
he can cross running water
so no sooner is Jonah on the boat
then god starts stirring up a WHOPPER of a storm
and all the sailors are losing their shit
or more accurately, tossing it overboard
and meanwhile Jonah is just taking a nap belowdecks
so the captain runs down and is like DUDE, JONAH
WHAT THE FUCK DUDE WHY ARE YOU NAPPING
GET UP HERE AND TELL GOD TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN OR SOMETHING

So Jonah gets up on deck
and it turns out that what everyone is doing
is rolling dice to see whose fault this is
and Jonah rolls a natural one
so everyone is like “alright dude, you gotta fix this”
and Jonah is like Oh, well that’s easy
just throw me in the water and God will chill out
he can’t get over the fact that I wouldn’t yell at some dudes for him
and the sailors are all like Welp
okay!
and then they throw him into the water and the storm stops
the end

oh wait no there’s more stuff I lied
so Jonah is in the water
and God rents this MASSIVE FISH to go eat him
but it’s not very good at eating
so it just swallows him completely intact
along with enough air for him to survive for THREE DAYS
(click here for highly plausible evidence that this actually happened
SPOILERS: it’s because jesus said it happened)
and Jonah is sitting in there like Alright God
you got me, buddy
you’re pretty great
sending giant fish after dudes and causing storms and shit
I’ll totally go tell dudes they’re going to hell or whatever
really whatever you want as long as you let me out of this whale
and god is like ALRIGHT DUDE
PREPARE TO BE WHALE VOMIT
MY MERCY IS TRULY GREAT.

So Jonah figures he can’t escape this time
and instead goes straight to Nineveh
where he tells everyone they’re gonna die for their sins
and they should stop sinning all the time
and guess what?
EVERYONE LISTENS
IMMEDIATELY
they all stop eating and start wearing shitty clothes
including the king
who literally, when he hears the news
stands up
strips naked
puts on a burlap sack
and sits down in some dirt
and god is like NICE
ALL IS FORGIVEN

and Jonah is like …What?
You trapped me in the stomach of a sea animal
for THREE DAYS
to get me to yell at a city full of dudes who were just gonna convert anyway?
What the fuck, man?
And what’s even so great about not eating and wearing shitty clothes?
Why is that a thing you like?
And god is like OK I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA BE LIKE THIS
JUST SIT DOWN FOR A MINUTE AND CHILL OUT
LET ME GROW A NICE PLANT OVER YOUR HEAD TO SHELTER YOU FROM THE SUN
and Jonah’s like Well that’s sort of a nice thing to-
PSYCHE, says god, GONNA MAKE WORMS EAT THAT SHIT TO DEATH WHILE YOU SLEEP
WHO’S THE GOD, MOTHERFUCKER? WHO?
and Jonah’s like Holy shit, man, what is your problem?
and God is like U MAD BRO?
and Jonah’s like Just kill me now, seriously
and God’s like NOPE.

So the moral of the story
is if you are trying to escape god
go by train.

THE END.

Freyr Cocks It All Up

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Feeling kinda sentimental today guys
so i’m just going to say
that I deeply appreciate y’all showing up here all the time
and assisting me in my project of mythological self-education
I started this thing as an excuse to learn a bunch of myths
like the way Neil Gaiman does, or other literary heroes
and then to shout said myths real loud into the internet
and you guys are largely responsible for the continued success of this project
so yeah, thanks

ANYWAY let’s talk about some really huge mistakes a guy made

What guy, you ask?
I will give you a hint:
HIS NAME IS IN THE TITLE OF THE POST
and to say he cocks it all up
really does not do justice to the sheer baby-in-a-blender incompetence
displayed by Freyr in this tale

so one day Freyr is out dicking around
the way you do when you’re a god
like really
what else are you gonna do?
none of these people seem to have jobs
basically it seems like the universe is run by a bunch of fucking trust fund babies
which really, now that I think about it, explains a lot

SO HE’S DICKING AROUND
and he sees a hot chick named Gerðr
I am not sure how he sees her
seeing as she lives all the way in Jotunheim
and I don’t know how she’s a hot chick
since her mom, Angrboda
is also responsible for birthing a giant wolf, a giant snake, and HELL
but somehow a bunch of improbable circumstances line up here
and he catches her in a really flattering light or something
and that light flatters Gerðr SO HARD
that it sends Freyr into a love coma

now, you know how it is when your friend is in a love coma
how it is
is that you cannot think of anything
except how much you wish your friend would stop being in a fucking love coma
so to that end, the gods get together
and they convince Freyr’s servant Skirnir
to go find out why his boss is being an emo bitch right now
and that’s what Skirnir does.

So Skirnir’s like Yo Freyr how’s it hangin
and Freyr is like DROOPY AS SHIT, MY FRIEND
I am trying to get all up on this chick Gerðr
but the problem is that I’m a huge pussy and I don’t know how to talk to girls
bro
will you be my wingman, bro?
and Skirnir’s like YES

Here’s the problem, though
Skirnir
is
A BASTARD
he’s like Oh man I’ll totally get you laid, dude
but first you have to hook me up with sweet loot
give me your magic sword, and I will deliver the tits

FOOTNOTE:
FREYR’S SWORD IS SOME SERIOUS MOJO
it is a sword that fights ALL BY ITSELF
seriously, you don’t even need to be there
you could go away
get a sandwich
come back, hey
more murders happened!
Honestly I don’t know why everyone doesn’t just get these
but if only one person is gonna have one
I guess it makes sense that it would be Freyr
because if you are too much of a pussnexus to talk to girls
chances are that you are also not too good at single combat
because nothing more closely resembles dating
than single combat
maybe that’s just me
maybe not everyone you’ve ever dated has brought landmines to the first date
if so then you can just disregard this aside
and go on with your PERFECT FUCKING LIFE.
BACK TO THE STORY AT HAND:

So Freyr agrees to these shitty terms
which is probably a good thing overall
because the sword only works if you’re wise
and any dude who would trade away a magic sword for boobs is definitely not that
and then Skimir goes away
and uses even more skeezy bargaining powers to convince Gerðr that this is a good idea
like, despite the fact that the dude who is apparently so into her
doesn’t even give enough fucks to show up himself
and then Gerðr and Freyr get married
and they live happily ever after
until ragnarok comes and Freyr dies because he doesn’t have a sword
man, I really wish there was an effective way to slowclap on the internet.

So the moral of the story
is that everyone is already knows
about bros before hos
but even more importantly in the long run
broadswords before broads.

THE END.

No myth today guys

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Yeah
sorry
it came down to sleeping or writing a shitty myth
I chose sleeping
with the added caveat that when I wake up there will be great myths
instead of shitty ones
but right now I think I hear a sound that means my hands are falling off
from too much not-sleep or whatever
so I gotta go deal with that
before my imminent lack of hands renders me unable to deal with anything at all

the end

Balls Well That Ends Well

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Guys guys
I found a new norse myth
thanks to dedicated follower FellatioFlower69
I totally thought I was out of those!
So yeah, if you know any I haven’t done, totally tell me about those
cause as you are about to see, this one is pure quality
(also if you know any favorite Japanese or Hindu myths, I’m all ears)

ANYWAY

So when last we left our heroes
they had just blown up this giant named Thjazzi
who was also an eagle for some reason
but PLOT TWIST, my sexy friends
you see, it turns out Thjazzi had a FAMILY.
FAMILY? WHAAAAAAT??
Thjazzi can’t have a family!
He’s one of the enemies!
Enemies don’t have families!
That’s what makes killing them so righteous and easy!

But I guess Tjazzi didn’t get the memo about that
because he just went ahead and got bizzy with some giant lady
and had himself a girl named Skadi
also known as Öndurguð
which means SKI GOD

SKIING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN OF MY HEART

So Skadi is tearing the shit out of some truly righteous slopes
when she finds out her dad caught on fire and died
which makes her go WHAAAAAAT
and immediately haul ass off those prolapsed slopes
and down to Asgard where she wastes no time yelling at dudes
she’s like DUDES
THAT EAGLE YOU JUST SET ON FIRE WAS MY DAD
and the dudes are all like OH NO WHATEVER
but Skadi’s about to blow the whole place up with her ferocious skiing
so Odin just does what he normally does in these situations
he offers marriage as a consolation prize!

so Skadi’s like All right
I like where this is going
but as my dead eagle dad always used to say
good things come in threes
like juggling balls and threesomes
so condition 1 is I get to marry one of your dudes
condition 2 is that you have to memorialize my dad somehow
and condition THREE is that you have to make me laugh

SO FOR CONDITION ONE
all the dudes in Asgard line up to potentially bone this hot brutal ski lady
but the thing is
Skadi has a SERIOUS foot fetish
so she decides to choose a dude based SOLELY on the condition of his feet
(haha get it? sole like feet? Yeah man I went to college for this shit)
so she sees some absolutely toe-tacular shoestuffers
and assumes they must be the feet of Baldur
and so immediately agrees to marry him
but then it turns out to be this other god Njord
who no one cares about
and eventually they get divorced

so that’s 0 for 1 right there for Skadi
but the good news is she’s still got 2 more conditions to fill
so for the next one Odin’s like ALRIGHT
I am going to memorialize your father in the only way I know how
which is to tear out his eyeballs and throw them into the sky
and hopefully they become stars or something
and Skadi is like I don’t know how I feel about that
and Odin is like this is what you signed up for
when you entered the Norse pantheon
this is how we do funerals in brutal scandanavian ice-hell

alright, so zero for two now
things aren’t looking too good for Skadi
but there’s still hope
because if the gods can’t meet Skadi’s last request
she wins like infinite handjobs or something
I don’t know
that’s generally how these things work, right?
well whatever
the point is that Skadi is feeling pretty confident
because she is a SERIOUSLY SOMBER DAME
like for real
this chick would not laugh if you stapled her to a tank of nitrous oxide
stripped naked and surrounded on all sides by the whirling feathers of the hilarity pelican
although to be honest I don’t think anyone would be able to laugh in that situation
because of all the staples
WHATEVER
the point is that Skadi’s condition is not unique
these are NORSE gods after all
none of them even know what joy IS
none of them, that is, except for loki
Loki is the straight up macguyver of making people bust a gut
he just steps up like “alright guys
all I need is a piece of string, and a goat”
now for many people, just those words would be enough
but this is a tough crowd Loki is dealing with
and he is used to dealing with them
he knows that he is going to have to jape harder than he has ever japed before
he is going to have to tap into his deepest reserves of jocularity
he is going to have to hone his comedian’s wit to a razor’s edge

so he ties the goat to his balls.
that is – no fooling – what happens in this ancient myth about familial honor
Loki ties a goat to his balls and runs around screaming until Skadi cracks a smile
which means she has to go away and be happy about her ugly husband
and never again mention the fact that the Aesir set her dad on fire
and then threw his bleeding eyeballs into space

SO
FINAL SCORE:
Odin: 3
Skadi: 0
Loki: still has his balls tied to a goat
I hope that works out well for him.

THE END.

And People Ask Me Why I Hate Birds

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Okay guys, it’s time we had a talk
come here guys
yes, yes, sit down
hoo, okay…
now, your mothers and I have noticed that you’re starting to get to that certain age
where your body will start to undergo humiliating changes
changes that have never happened to anyone else ever
and we have also noticed
that you have some disturbing ideas about where babies come from
garnered from books, no doubt
Feh!
Well don’t worry guys, I got this covered
this is how sex works:

so when a man and a woman
or a man and a man
or a woman and a cow
love each other very very much
they start out by giving each other a special kind of hug
this hug is called a suplex, but with penetration
it’s great, you should try it all the time
but then comes the weird part
because then the woman gets so excited about the baby she’s gonna get
that she eats a whole bunch of cake and balloons
and her stomach gets all large and tumescent
and it’s hard to poop out fully inflated balloons
so that shit stays in there for NINE MONTHS
and meanwhile, THE NEGOTIATIONS BEGIN

What negotiations, you ask?
Well, surely you didn’t think procreation was merely a matter of putting a penis in a vagina?
why, if it was that simple, EVERYONE would be having babies, all the time!
No no no, only shrewd diplomats like me and your mothers get to have babies
and this is because of the storks.

Ever wonder why birds aren’t extinct yet?
I sure used to.
They’re basically tiny feathered problem machines
that exist solely to shit in your hair and attack schoolchildren in horror movies
we have guns, let’s get on this, right?
WRONG.
Because what you don’t realize
is that storks have taken EVERY BABY IN THE WORLD HOSTAGE
and made themselves the sole proprietors of human reproduction
in exchange for the continued survival of phylum Birdseria.
So how this works is that anyone who wants to have a baby
must go to a pond in the middle of the night
with a nondescript suitcase full of at least two hundred thousand dollars in nonsequential herring
and then a representative from the Baby Dispensary Committee comes with a contract
and you have to sign it in blood
and then they go back to their secret baby vault
and they pick out a baby based on how much money you give them
and how hot they think you are
which is why sexy people have sexy babies
and rich people have gold-plated racecar babies
but then they have to wait nine months to deliver the baby to your house
because before that your wife is still full of balloons and shit
and that would freak the baby out.

So the moral of the story
is that condoms are a conspiracy perpetrated by birds
to prevent us from discovering their underground Fort Knox for babies.

Goodnight.

The Word “Purloin” Always Makes Me Think of Cat Groins

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[bad news guys
due to some crazy Neverending Story shit
I got sucked into a really bad Edgar Allen Poe piece
called The Purloined Letter
so today’s myth is being broadcast from inside of this travesty]

Okay, let me tell you about my bro August Dupin

He is actually sort of a tool and I don’t know why we’re bros
wait, SORT of a tool?
This guy is a 1000 volt multitool
a megatool that slices, dices, and condescends with superhuman rapidity
He’s a dick, is what I’m trying to get across here
but don’t let that sour you on him, friends
because he is apparently also the only person in the whole world
who is not 100% prime retard
ALLOW ME TO RELATE AN ANECDOTE THAT ILLUSTRATES THIS:

So me and Dupin are chilling in the study in the middle of the day
with big curtains over the windows cause we’re goths
when the chief of police busts in like DUPIN DUPIN
SOLVE CRIMES FOR ME
and Dupin is like Whoah chill out
what crimes are you referring to?
And the detective is like “OKAY CHECK IT:
so I am in the employ of the queen or something
and this dude she knows just stole a letter from her
he stole it literally right in front of her
while she was sitting at her desk talking to someone else
he is THAT SLICK
and that letter
hoo boy
that letter is basically like the analog equivalent of phone sex
wait
is the analog equivalent of phone sex just real sex?
what about sexy telegrams? Where do those fit in?
Whatever
the point is that letter has sex all up ins
and so this guy who stole this letter has been blackmailing the SHIT out of this queen
and she just offered me like a million bucks to get it back.
so far so good, right
but this thief dude is WAYYYY too smart for me and my army of police
seriously we searched all up IN that guy’s house
like under the tables
behind the walls
inside his dog
we fucking trucked in a sonar machine, dude
I am not even exaggerating
we went through the whole house square foot by square foot
and stuck needles into everything to see if they were letters
because that is how you identify letters
NO
JOKE”

and Dupin is all “Hmm.
Yes.
I see.
Did you search the papers on his desk?”

and the police guy is like “DURRR
Yeah of course we searched his desk.
We are looking for a letter, why wouldn’t we do that
we’d have to be mighty stupid not to have scrutinized the number one place where paper lives in a house.”

so Dupin is all “Mmhmm.
I see.
Yes.
Go search it all again.”

A WHOLE MONTH PASSES while the police chief goes and does that
at which point he comes back like “Hey Dupin
shitty advice, buddy.
We didn’t find it and now a month of my life is gone.”
And Dupin is like “I’ll tell you why you didn’t find it
you didn’t find it because I HAVE IT
I will give it to you for HALF OF THE REWARD MONEY.”
So that happens.

Now my bro Dupin likes to talk a lot, so let me summarize why he has the letter:
basically,
everyone is a fucking idiot
guess where the letter was hidden?
ON THE FUCKING DESK WITH ALL THE PAPERS.
How was it so cleverly disguised that an army of policemen who were looking for letters did not find it?
I DON’T KNOW, MAN
ALL THE GUY DID WAS TURN IT INSIDE OUT AND PUT A DIFFERENT SEAL ON IT
YOU WOULD THINK
THAT IF YOUR JOB WAS TO GO INTO A HOUSE AND FIND A LETTER
YOU MIGHT MAKE A PARTICULAR STUDY
OF ANY LETTERS YOU HAPPENED TO FIND
but no
apparently we live in moron world
and that’s okay, because we get paid

oh but how did Dupin get the letter back?
Good question, friends
what he did is he went over to the thief dude’s house
and then he paid a CRIMINAL
to discharge a BLUNDERBUSS
in a CROWD of WOMEN and CHILDREN
all for the purpose of distracting that one guy while Dupin stole the letter back
great job everyone
really, great
seriously I don’t know why I live with this guy.

I guess if I had to come up with a moral for this story
it would probably be
that in the kingdom of the blind
the one-eyed man is Dupin.

Someone get me out of the 1800s, seriously
it’s terrible here and everything is steam engines.

Lysistrata in: Boners for Peace

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Hey guys
some sexy human named Maxguns Sexhorse left a comment the other day
reminding me that why the fuck haven’t I done this story yet
so I’m going to
and it’s a play
so I’m gonna try that thing again
where I just rewrite the whole play.
this is kind of an experiment though
because I’m not really sure
if my particular brand of raunchy chatroom inspired cliff notes
can possibly outdo the parade of thinly-veiled boners that populate Aristophanes’ original
ANYWAY HERE GOES NOTHING:

LYSISTRATA

OR: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE DONG

Adapted for Internet by Fake Ovid Naso

SCENE ONE: A room full of hot chicks

actually the room is not full of hot chicks yet
right now it’s just LYSISTRATA and she’s kinda pissed
then her slutty friend CLEONICE shows up

LYSISTRATA: Man, why is nobody here yet?
CLEONICE: Who did you invite?
LYSISTRATA: All of the women. One hundred percent of the women in the world.
CLEONICE: Oh, well maybe that’s why.
LYSISTRATA: Fuck you.
CLEONICE: Oh is that what we’re doing? Cause if so you should have put that in the invitation, and then everyone would totally be here with their tits out by now.
LYSISTRATA: Is this what you’re gonna do? Are you just gonna hang out and turn everything I say into innuendo?
CLEONICE: I’LL IN YOUR END-O
LYSISTRATA: Shut up, here comes hot chicks.

Enter HOT CHICKS FROM EVERY DAMN PLACE. CLEONICE measures their boobs with calipers.

HOT CHICKS: Okay what’s up
LYSISTRATA: Guys, I came up with a plan to stop all wars forever
HOT CHICKS: That sounds rad. Finally we can get our husbands home for some quality boner-bending. What’s the plan?
LYSISTRATA: Uh, yeah … see, think of this in terms of economics. In order to stop the wars, we have to get through to all the dudes, because they’re the ones who keep fighting wars. But in order to do that, we have to make them an offer they can’t refuse. So what do we, as women, have a monopoly on?
HOT CHICKS: OOH OOH! COMMON SENSE! EMPATHY! PERIODS!
LYSISTRATA: Okay, but try to limit it to things that men want.
CLEONICE: VAGINAS!
LYSISTRATA: Yes, Cleonice. This is why I invited you. Okay now bear with me here, guys. In order to get the dudes to stop fighting all these wars, we are going to have to levy an embargo … ON VAGINAS.
HOT CHICKS: AW HELL NO.
CLEONICE: What’s the point of peace if you can’t get a piece huh?
LYSISTRATA: Guys, guys, don’t pussy out on me now! We only have to keep our legs shut until everyone agrees to stop having wars!
HOT CHICKS: Don’t you think that maybe a sex embargo will only make everyone more irritable, resulting in even MORE wars over smaller things?
LYSISTRATA: NO TIME FOR THINKING. Instead, I propose that we all get ceremonially drunk on this wine I brought, and then we’ll go occupy the federal reserve and camp out there with a bunch of other drunk horny hot chicks!
HOT CHICKS: Wow when did this plan get good all of a sudden?

AND SO

MAGISTRATE: Dudes, how come all the hot chicks are all up in our gold and not in our pants?
DUDES: I DUNNO, BUT LET’S SET THEM ON FIRE.
HOT CHICKS: NO.
DUDES: Fuck, okay. How bout a handjob, though?
HOT CHICKS: ALSO NO.
DUDES: Well shit.

MEANWHILE, INSIDE THE FEDERAL RESERVE

HOT CHICKS: Dude, Lysistrata, can we just go home and totally not sleep with our husbands real quick? We’re all sick or bored or pregnant or something.
LYSISTRATA: NO. You are going to STAY HERE until WAR IS OVER FOREVER.
HOT CHICKS: Dag.

BUT BACK OUTSIDE:

DUDES: Holy shit, how are we going to deal with all these boners?

Seriously, these dudes have like 8-foot boners.

MAGISTRATE: Just hold on guys. If we let our boners get just a little more distended we might be able to suck our own dicks.
DUDES: Come to think of it, why haven’t we already resorted to sucking each other’s dicks? Or, you know, just masturbating or something?
MAGISTRATE: THERE IS NO TIME FOR THINKING WHEN YOU HAVE AN ERECTION, MY FRIENDS. No, the only solution is to immediately vote for peace.

Enter PEACE, lowered onto the stage on a rope. Like at least fifty percent of the things in this play, PEACE is a hot chick.

DUDES: Quick! Everyone sign the peace treaty so we can all gangbang Peace!

They do, and they do.

HOT CHICKS: Looks like that’s the end of war forever and ever! Thanks Lysistrata!
LYSISTRATA: Don’t mention it.
EVERYONE: The moral of the story is that as soon as someone invents gay sex we can have wars forever!

THE END.

Hotness and the Yeti

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
allow me to take you back
back to a time when princes roamed the earth
and shit didn’t have to make sense.
A lot of stories took place during this time
but this one is one of the dumbest
okay, let’s go:

so this chick has two sisters and a rich dad
they’re not very close though
in fact, they’re pretty estranged
so estranged
that no one remembers this chick’s name
and instead they just call her by her sole distinguishing trait
her Hotness

it’s not like Hotness is just two rad tits in a ladyskin, though
she’s got smart brains, too
and also like
a personality and shit
her sisters are not so lucky
they are ugly and everyone calls them the Bitch Twins

so naturally the Bitch Twins hate Hotness with a vengance
but she doesn’t hate anyone
cause it’s hard to hate when you’ve got such a nice rack.

but oh shit
looks like the rich dad just got a lot less rich
so now they’re living out in the country being all poor and shit
but then it’s okay because a ship full of Dad’s valuable goods is coming in
and he’s like “Alright daughters, I’m gonna go pick that stuff up
want me to buy you anything while I’m out?”
and the Bitch Twins are like “YES
EVERYTHING.”
and Hotness is like “Uh … a pretty flower?”
because it is hard to desire material riches when you have such a nice rack.

so Dad goes out to pick up his riches
but then he gets involved in a lawsuit
for running over a pedestrian on his way home
and all the goods have to go to pay for legal fees
and then he gets lost in the forest
and as we know
anyone who gets lost in a forest automatically ends up SOMEPLACE MAGIC

so Dad rolls up on this sweet sweet castle
and he goes inside and there’s a megafat feast laid out
and nobody in sight
and he’s like “Uh hello?
Scary castle ghosts?
Please remain silent to indicate that I should eat all your food.”
then he eats all the food
drinks all the booze
and passes out in the first bed he sees
then he gets eaten by scary castle ghosts.

Oh shit
no, wait
I did that thing again where I write what I wanted to happen
instead of what actually happened
what actually happens is that Dad wakes up with a brand new pimp suit
and a mug of hot chocolate absolutely free
and he is like “Gee, thanks scary castle ghosts!”
and he walks out into the garden to leave
and sees some pretty roses
and he’s like “Oh yeah
my sexy daughter totally asked for one of these
and they’re totally free anyway
YOINK”
and THIS IS WHEN PROBLEMS START HAPPENING

cause all of a sudden this huge angry yeti busts into the garden
like NOOOO THOSE ARE MINE
NOW I WILL EAT YOU
and the dad is like NO DON’T KILL ME
THINK OF MY HOT DAUGHTERS
and the yeti is like HOT DAUGHTERS YOU SAY?
I WILL GLADLY ACCEPT A HOT DAUGHTER IN EXCHANGE FOR NOT KILLING YOU
and the Dad is like YES
I KNEW there was a reason I had daughters
and then he gets to fill a sack with riches and go home to say goodbye to his family
(in the original version he’s kind of sad about this actually
but fuck that
who needs daughters when you have your daughters’ weight in gold?)

so Dad gets home and he’s like Welp
I hope this rose was worth it, Hotness
cause now you get to be enslaved to a Yeti forever
and Hotness is like Aw dang
but she’s like pathologically obedient so she just deals with it
because it’s hard to think for yourself when you have such a nice rack

CUT TO INSIDE CASTLE VON YETI
There’s another sweet feast laid out
and Hotness and her dad eat it
and then the yeti shows up in a suit
all like “Okay dad, time to leave your daughter alone with a yeti”
and that’s what happens

except it turns out not to be so bad
there isn’t even any rape or anything
Hotness gets a totally legit library
and a magic mirror for spying on her sisters
and basically any other shit she can think of
and all she has to do in return
is repeatedly turn down the yeti’s marriage proposals
seriously, every night this loser shows up to dinner
like “hey Hotness
where are your standards at today?
Getting lower?”
and Hotness is like “Ooh… still pretty high actually.
Sorry …”
and he’s like “SIIIIIIIGHHHHHHHHHH.
It’s cool, it’s cool.
Same time tomorrow?”
and she’s like “I want CAVIAR.”

So this goes on for three months
and Hotness comes to think of the yeti as a pretty nice guy
(nice here being a code-word for “rich and magical”)
but she still kinda misses her dad
so she asks to be teleported back to her house for a week
so she can escape Creepy McUgg-Uggs and his castle
I MEAN … so she can reunite with her beloved family that sold her out to yetis
and the Yeti is like “okay that’s fine
but you better come back after a week.
just put your ring on your bedside table after that and you’ll wake up here
thanks to my nigh-omnipotent army of fairy spies and flying helper monkeys”
and Hotness is like “Yeah okay whatever”

so she goes home and everyone is super jazzed
or at least pretending to be jazzed
cause see, her sisters are totally pissed that Hotness gets to live in a castle
because they have succeeded in marrying the two worst dudes possible
(one is Narcissus, and the other one is Oscar Wilde)
and they figure that if they’re real nice to Hotness
then she’ll stay longer than week
thus breaking her promise and leading to some yeti-induced dismemberment
and it totally works
except that then on the 10th night
Hotness goes to sleep and dreams that the yeti is dying in his garden
and she wakes up like SHIT
TELEPORTING TIME
and she puts her ring on the bedside table and wakes up in the castle

but where the fuck is the yeti?
DEAD IN THE GARDEN, THAT’S WHERE
so she runs to the garden and dumps water on his head
to bring him back to life because it’s magic water or whatever
and she’s like What the fuck happened
and he’s like Oh hey
I was so bummed that you left me that I decided to starve myself to death

OKAY GUYS
MAJOR RELATIONSHIP RED FLAG
IF HOTNESS WAS WONDERING WHETHER OR NOT TO MARRY THIS GUY
THIS SHOULD DEFINITELY REMOVE ANY DOUBT FROM HER MIND

and it DOES!
because you know what they say?
they say her standards dropped 100% that day!
and she’s all “Yes, you emo mountain goblin!
Yes I’ll marry you!
Because I love you!
And also because I have been emotionally blackmailed into doing this!
Also, you’re rich!”
(Somehow I feel like Beauty and the Beast is the 1760s’ answer to Twilight)

and no sooner do these words leave her mouth
when a bunch of fireworks start going off everywhere
and then the yeti
turns into a SMOKIN’ HOT DUDE!
and he’s like CONGRATULATIONS, HOTNESS
YOU HAVE PROVED THAT TRUE LOVE TRIUMPHS OVER WORLDLY TRIFLES SUCH AS BEAUTY
YOUR REWARD IS A HOT GUY
ALSO WORLDLY RICHES
ENJOY
and then this fairy shows up and turns the Bitch Twins into statues
specifically statues that will remain conscious of their hellish torment forever
which is sort of redundant because they were already married.

So the moral of the story
is that if you really love someone
win them over with your magic and riches
and if that fails
kill yourself.

THE END.

Alcmene Gets Doubleteamed

Posted on by
9

Okay guys
gonna be honest
I set out to tell you the story of “Amphitryon” by Plautus
but frankly
that shit is LONG
and I still have to go grocery shopping today
so I just read the summary at the beginning
and the rest I am going to make up

ALRIGHT SO
Alcmene is a chick whose name you should be familiar with
but if you aren’t then I’m not gonna spoil it right away
what’s important to know right now is that she has a husband
and her husband’s name is Amphitryon
and Amphitryon is King Creon’s bitch

So one day King Creon is like Hey Bro
bout to fight a war with some guys.
not sure which guys
maybe the Teleboans or maybe the Taphians
it’s a T-name though, for sure
anyway, I need you to go do war stuff on my behalf
and Amphitryon is like YES SIR WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CRADLE YOUR BALLS AS WELL?

But before he goes off to war
he does the smart thing and gets his wife pregnant
I guess so there will be someone to avenge his probable death
and then it’s war time
but see, Amphitryon has made one mistake:
(and in ancient greece, this is an easy mistake)
Amphytrion has married a woman Zeus wants to bone.

So Zeus sees Amphytrion leaving to die
and he’s like Sweet!
This looks like an opportunity for SHENANIGANS.
And ten minutes later he has transformed himself into Alcmene’s husband
and he’s up in her room like Yo
and Alcmene is like I thought you were in a war?
and Zeus is like Uh
Very short war, yeah
as a matter of fact, honeyass
that war was exactly as short
as my boners for you are long
and Alcmene is not one to look a gift-dick in the mouth
although actually…
…
ANYWAY they have sex
and he whole time they are engaged in this incognito intercourse
Hermes is out guarding the door
because Hermes truly is
THE ULTIMATE WINGMAN.
like, check this out:

So he’s guarding the door, right
that’s already pretty solid wingman behavior
but then it turns out Amphytrion is coming home early from war
and he sends a messenger to go tell his wife about it
and the messenger runs all the way to Alcmene’s room
only to find HIMSELF standing guard
and he’s like, Uhh hey
I’m here to tell the queen her husband’s back?
and hermes, who is impersonating the very person he is now speaking to
is like NO, IDIOT
CAN’T YOU SEE??
I’M YOU.
YOU MUST BE AN IMPOSTOR.
GO AWAY, SEX IS HAPPENING.
And guess what?
That messenger TOTALLY GOES AWAY.
and then this dude named Merlin walks by
and he’s like HEY THIS GIVES ME A GREAT IDEA FOR SOME ADULTERY I WAS PLANNING

So the messenger goes instantly mad, obviously
and returns to Amphytrion to convey the eldritch horror he has just experienced
leaving our beloved title character with no option
other than busting down his wife’s door all on his own.

So okay
I want you to put yourself in Amphytrion’s place for a moment
you just got back from a nice war
you’re ready for a relaxing victory shag in the royal quarters
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
and you walk in to find your wife
who, let me remind you, you just got pregnant
getting remorselessly drilled
BY YOU.

You guessed it: Insta-insane
Amphytrion loses all capacity to evaluate reality as a result of this
and this is in no way helped by the fact that Zeus CONTINUES TO INSIST
that he is the real Amphytrion
even though this seems like the perfect excuse for him to hit it and quit it
but anyway, no one can make sense of this literal clusterfuck
so they call a wise man named Blepharo to fix this shit

Guess what
Blepharo can’t figure this shit out either
I mean what the fuck is he supposed to do?
You better believe Zeus isn’t gonna half-ass his disguise
when getting laid is in the balance
this is a guy who has no problem turning into rape-birds
or gold with dicks
just for the joy of constantly starring in his own private espionage porno:
EMISSION: IMPOSSIBLE
so yeah, everyone is super perplexed.

but Alcmene fixes everything
by choosing this moment to squirt two babies out of her body
also lightning, apparently
which causes the already emotionally weakened Amphytrion to have a siezure
and then while he’s twitching on the ground
Zeus shows up like By the way guys
I did this.
Now lemme just jack one of these babies right quick
so I can make him suckle on my wife’s tits and become immortal
because guess who this baby is:
That’s right
FUCKING HERCULES.

But that’s a whole other story.

So the moral of this story
is if you’re gonna cheat on your spouse
try and do it with someone who looks exactly like them
because at least then you have some plausible deniability.

THE END.

Goliath gets Stoned

Posted on by
10

so first of all
this is kinda short notice
but if you live in Chicago
and you like running screaming through the night
being chased by people pretending to be evil robots
that’s happening tomorrow
It’s called Journey to the End of the Night
and you can learn about it here

Second of all
I am still working on making a new run of shirts
but the screen I use to print them just ripped
so I have to make a new one
so be patient

THIRD OF ALL
it’s BIBLE TIME.

So there’s these dudes called the Philistines, right
I have never bothered to look up what their deal is in Isaac Asimov’s Guide to the Bible
but from context clues
their deal seems to be running around threatening the children of Israel
and having way too much skin wrapped around their penises.
so obviously this is a foolproof recipe for total war
and as our story begins, the army of the Philistines
is facing off against the army of the Israelites
except instead of just hauling off and nuking the shit out of each other
like REAL armies would
these dudes just sit on their little hills staring at each other
until finally the Philistines are like FUCK THIS
and they send out GOLIATH

Goliath
is
real big
he has a chest the size of two chests
and each of his arms could have had a successful solo career as a refrigerator
he is essentially hulk hogan wrapped in a life vest made of biceps
this guy
is LARGE.

So Goliath is just standing out there like YO
ISRAELITES
GONNA MAKE THIS REAL EASY FOR YOU GUYS:
IF ANY ONE OF YOU CAN KILL ME, WE WILL ALL SURRENDER TO YOU FOREVER
BUT IF I KILL ONE OF YOU INSTEAD, THEN YOU HAVE TO DO THAT
THOSE ARE THE RULES
and everyone I think can agree
those are terrible rules
so the Israelites are up on their hill like Oh shit what do we do

ENTER DAVID
he’s the youngest son of a dude named Jesse
(when did everyone in the bible start having super normal names?)
and whereas all his older bros got to go be soldiers
David was stuck herding all his dad’s sheep
but then one day his dad is like Yo David
go take this bag of sandwiches to your brothers and find out what’s up
like with the war and whatever
so OFF HE GOES

so David shows up with a bag of sandwiches and a head full of gumption
just in time to find the entire nation of israel pissing its pants over Goliath’s abs
and he’s like YO FUCK THIS
WHAT DOES A GUY HAVE TO DO TO GET THE NATION OF ISRAEL TO STOP PISSING ITSELF AROUND HERE
and everyone is like uh
maybe kill Goliath?
in fact, I hear whoever kills goliath gets a bunch of sweet prizes
like for example the daughter of our general, Saul
and also no taxes forever
and David is like NO TAXES?!
HOLY SHIT, LET’S DO THIS.

So he goes over to Saul and he’s like Yo
I hear you have a giant problem
and where I come from
they call me the Giant Solution
(they are referring to my penis)
and Saul is like PISH POSH MY LAD
you are way too young to kill that guy
and David is like no fuck that
look at that guy
look at his dick
it’s got way too much skin on it for him to be dangerous
his boy is just smothering under all that foreskin there
how can you be deadly with a smothered johnson?
and Saul is like HM YES I BELIEVE YOU ARE CORRECT
BUT STILL YOU ARE ONLY A BOY
and David is like no look:
whatever
as a shepherd, I routinely have to chase down bears and punch them until they die
[SERIOUSLY NO JOKE THIS IS WHAT HE SAYS]
and this guy should go down just as easy
because lions and bears have plenty skin round their members
and this guy has AT LEAST that much
and Saul is like HM YES I SEE YOUR POINT
BUT AT LEAST TAKE SOME ARMOR
and David is like Nah
when I make bad decisions I like to make them all the way.

So david goes out to fight Goliath
and Goliath is like WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS
and David is like this, my friend
is called a projectile weapon
and then he throws a rock at Goliath and Goliath dies before he can even get over there
and David is like Now THAT
is the power of a dick that can really breathe.

so the moral of the story
is that nothing beats rock
good ol’ rock.

But you know, that’s not actually the end of David’s adventures
or his strange relationship to dick skin
remind me to tell you about that some other time, though
I’m sleepy.