so it took me a while to get back into the silmarillion
because when i opened it up
the first sentence I read
was almost FORTY PERCENT PROPER NOUNS
no really, check it out:
“Aredhel Ar-Feiniel, the White Lady of the Noldor, daughter of Fingolfin, dwelt in Nevrast with Turgon her brother, and she went with him to the Hidden Kingdom”
which is really just tolkein’s way of saying
“this chick you haven’t heard of before lives with her bro Turgon in his secret base”
anyway this whole chapter is pretty much about her
so i guess we do have to use her name
I GUESS

so the problem with living in a secret base
is that in order for it to stay secret
nobody who lives in the secret base can ever ever leave
because otherwise people might figure out where it is
and Aredhel is not down with this
so she goes to Turgon like dude
I am so bored in here i’m bout to twiddle my thumbs right OFF
lemme go out and see the sons of Feanor
those dudes are certifiably crazy, it’ll be an awesome party
and Turgon is like NAH BITCH NOBODY EVER LEAVES
and Aredhel is like you’re not the boss of me
and Turgon is like ok fine but ima send some dudes with you

so Aredhel leaves the secret base with a couple dudes
and they try to take a shortcut through Thingol’s place
but Thingol is still pissed because the Noldor killed all those other elves
and stole their boats
and then ditched half their dudes
and then burned the boats they stole
so he’s like nah guys
we’re still not on speaking terms
yall best go around

so they go around
THROUGH THE HAUNTED WOODS
because there are HAUNTED WOODS
and what’s the point of having haunted woods
if people aren’t being forced to go through them all the time
so the dudes who are with Aredhel get spooked and go home
and Aredhel rides through and meets up with Feanor’s kids
is it just me
or is this a lot of effort to go through just to party with some dudes?

so Aredhel gets there
but the party can’t start yet
cause one of Feanor’s sons isn’t there yet
so she’s hanging out waiting
and as we’ve already established
this is a girl who gets bored real easy
so she starts wandering further and further from town
and finally she gets lost
in MORE HAUNTED WOODS
i swear there are more haunted woods than regular woods up in this
i don’t know where everyone gets their lumber
prolly everybody’s house is just like a 24 hour ghost party

except this haunted forest is not haunted by ghosts
it’s haunted by ONE ELF
this elf is named Eol
and he sees Aredhel riding through his hood
i mean wood
and is like DING DONG DIGGITY DAMN
I WANNA PUT MY DING DONG IN THAT DIGGITY DAME
but Eol is a kind of creeper
as anyone who lives alone in the haunted woods is apt to be
so instead of like
buying her a drink or writing her a poem or some shit
he uses his evil forest magic to guide her to his house
and then when she arrives all lost and tired
he’s like hey lady
welcome to my creepy forest castle
price of admission: one marriage
and Aredhel
who has yet to let anything force her to stay in one place
is like fuck it, why not

so they get married
and tolkein is very careful to tell us that it’s not all bad
even though Eol forces Aredhel to only go out at night
and she’s not allowed to visit the sons of Feanor
even though those are the exact dudes she came all this way to see!
girl needs to get her life under control
like for real, she’s got to set some goals and fucking stick to them
cause in the real world
behavior like this gets you a ritalin perscription

but so i guess the main proof that it’s not so bad
is that Aredhel lets Eol put a baby in her
and that baby comes out and he is ONE SEXY BABY
his name is Maeglin
and it turns out that HE is the ACTUAL point of this chapter
he has crazy eyes that let him see into people’s brains
and he looks more like his mom than his dad
which makes his dad pissed
but his dad is a pretty weird guy anyway
so no one really pays attention

it doesn’t take too long for Maeglin and Aredhel to get sick of the haunted forest
seeing as Aredhel holds the world record
for number of places she is sick of
and Maeglin is her son
so one day when Eol is out at a party somewhere else
they just peace out without warning anyone
and make a break for Turgon’s secret base
but Eol gets home early
and he’s like what the fuck where did they go
and the servants are like oh I think they went to go see Feanor’s kids
and Eol is like AW HELL NO
so he goes to Feanor’s kids
who hate him
and he’s like guys
guys where is my wife
and Feanor’s kids are like dude
she went that way
get off our fucking lawn before we make you part of it

so now Aredhel and Maeglin are running
and Eol is running after them
and they’re running and running and running
(on horses)
until they get to the mountain where the secret base is hid
and Eol is just close enough that he sees how they get in
so when they get inside he comes running after them like AAAAA GIMME MY SHIT
and Turgon is like GENTLEMEN
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
and Eol is like I WILL TELL YOU WHAT IS GOING ON
MY WIFE IS TRYING TO ESCAPE MY PERFECTLY GOOD HAUNTED FOREST
ALSO MY SON
I WANT THEM BACK
and Turgon is like well that’s all well and good
but the problem with having a secret base is
NO ONE EVER LEAVES
so you are either going to live here forever
or die right now
and Eol, being a sensible gentleman
is like alright
and then steals someone’s spear and chucks it at his son
and Aredhel dives in front of him, secret-service style
and takes the javelin in the shoulder
and then everyone is like ok Eol
clearly you have chosen the “die right now” option

but you know who else has chosen the “die right now” option?
Aredhel
cause even though the spear only hit her in the shoulder
it was tipped with POISON
WHO POISONS THEIR SPEAR WHEN THEY’RE HANGING OUT IN A SECRET BASE?
Well i guess … the type of person who hangs out in a secret base
anyway Maeglin’s mom is dead
and they’re about to shove his dad off a cliff
and his dad is like SON:
FUCK YOU FOR NOT SAVING ME
CURSES FOREVER
and then he dies
and even though Eol was a dick
everyone still thinks Maeglin is pretty weird for not giving a shit

and Maeglin IS pretty weird
but not just for that reason
he’s weird cause he has a crush on his first cousin Idril
who lives in the secret base as well
and unlike in most mythologies
there is actually a law against that type of incest
even though if no one leaves the secret base
shit is bound to get incestuous sooner or later
still though
Idril thinks he is mad creepy
and he knows this
so he takes all the energy he would’ve spent on love
and instead spends it on being an AWESOME WARRIOR
and developing a TWISTED, EVIL HEART
all of which I’m sure will become super important later

so the moral of the story
is you should never leave your house
cause everything else is haunted woods

TO BE CONTINUED

okay so when last we left our heroes
(man I am never going to get used to using the word “heroes”
to describe elves
it’s like using the word “food”
to describe anything that is not pizza)
they were dealing with a series of excruciating hundred-year truces
during which they had to suffer through unprecedented periods of peace and prosperity
and Morgoth had them in the palm of his gnarled hand
due to his brilliant strategy
of only attacking sporadically and with inferior forces
oh and also
two dudes had dreams and decided to build secret forts

So one of these dudes is called Finrod
he builds an enormous man-cave for all his bros
the other dude is named Turgon
and he builds a
well uh
it’s a little more complicated

so basically Ulmo tells Turgon that there’s this secret garden on top of a mountain
that is only accessible by going inside the mountain
using a tunnel caused by erosion from a river
which Ulmo makes behave so Turgon can go in
and the top of the hill where the garden is
is perfectly flat and stable
because it used to be a lake basin
except wait
it USED to be a lake basin?
so where is the water coming from that made the tunnel Turgon uses?
is this water flowing uphill?
also, where did the water from the lake go?
did it flow downhill somewhere?
if so, why didn’t that water make a canyon
thus rendering this inaccessible mountain retreat accessible?

okay I know what you’re thinking
“Ovid, this is a work of fantasy
you don’t gotta flip your shit over every boring detail”
EXCEPT GUYS
YOU ARE FORGETTING
THAT J.R.R. TOLKIEN IS A DUDE WHO DEDICATES A HUNDRED AND FIFTY PAGES
OUT OF A FOUR HUNDRED FIFTY PAGE BOOK
TO LISTING DUDE’S NAMES IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER
AND DEFINING THE ELVISH WORD FOR “NICE HAIR”
DUDE IS DETAIL ORIENTED
maybe i just misunderstood the geography though
that’s also possible

anyway Turgon builds a big fancy city up in them mountains
and then he goes there with all his dudes
and it turns out that all his dudes comprise about a THIRD OF THE ENTIRE NOLDOR
DUDE
THEY WERE USING THOSE GUYS TO FIGHT MORGOTH
but Ulmo is pleased as shit about this mass desertion
he’s like hey Turgon
your stronghold is gonna last like forever buddy
or at least it’s gonna be the last thing to go down when Morgoth starts burning shit
but lemme lay a prophecy on you:
eventually shit is gonna suck
and then a dude is gonna come and tell you how to fix it
so what I need you to do
is leave a special sword and some special armor in a special house
so that special dude can find it at a special time
and you will know who he is
here is a list of measurements for the armor
and Turgon is like dude
if you know this guy’s measurements why don’t you just describe him to me
and I’ll be sure to know who he is without all this armor bullshit
and Ulmo is like I AM THE LORD OF THE WATERS
and then he turns into mist and goes to hang out in a girl’s locker room or something

meanwhile, this chick Galadriel
(who is Fingon {the cave guy}’s sister)
is chilling with Melian
(who is the wife of Thingol
who rules over Beleriand
Which is the place the Noldor just randomly showed up in
on their way to find the Silmarils
which were made by Feanor
And then stolen by Morgoth
Who at the time was known as Melkor
And was originally one of the Valar
And all of them have names, too!)
and Melian and Galadriel are just shooting the shit
when suddenly Melian is like hey
we’ve talked a lot about Valinor, where you guys all used to live
but i feel like you guys aren’t telling us something
like about why you got kicked out?
and Galadriel is like oh uh
well
we didn’t get kicked out actually
we left of our own free will cuz Feanor’s dumb
and also because we are dumb enough to consider the Silmarils valuable
and Melian is like wait wait wait
are you saying the Noldor didn’t arrive here to save us from Morgoth’s first attack?
We totally thought that’s why you guys were here!
and Galadriel is like uh
well I mean that was a nice bonus, certainly
but we’re really just here for the bling.

So Melian is understandably pretty pissed
and she still thinks Galadriel is holding out, information-wise
and she totally is, because she managed to leave out the part
about how Feanor and his bros murdered a bunch of dudes and stole their ships
but Galadriel refuses to talk any more shit
so Melian just goes and tells her husband Thingol what she knows
and Thingol is like what the shit
what the unbelievable shit
I was already pissed off about these fancy high elves shitting up my countryside
but this is just too much
and then somebody else walks in
like hey has anyone told you guys about how Feanor murdered all those elves for their ships yet?
cause he totally did
that’s prolly something you should know
and suddenly the atmosphere in the room is REAL tense
because it turns out that Thingol has been in a meeting with some of the Noldor
THIS WHOLE TIME
so they’re all sitting there like uhhh
sorry?
and Thingol is like SORRY ISN’T GONNA CUT IT GUYS
YOU MURDERED DUDES FOR BOATS
FOR BOATS, GUYS
YOU CAN BUY THOSE
and then one of the Noldor who didn’t murder any guys is like HEY
WE’RE NOT ALL BOAT-OBSESSED MURDER ENGINES, OKAY?
SOME OF US ARE ALRIGHT DUDES
and Thingol is like OKAY I BELIEVE THAT
BUT WE’RE ALL SHOUTING SO MUCH THAT I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO DO SOMETHING RASH
SO HOW ABOUT THIS:
FROM NOW ON NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SPEAK NOLDOR-ESE I MY KINGDOM
OR ELSE THEY GET BANISHED
and all the Noldor are like Ah jeeze now we gotta learn another language
but they deal with it because whatever, that’s not really that big a deal

MEANWHILE
Fingon is down in his man-cave
and so naturally he has no wife with him
and Galadriel comes to visit
because Galadriel just goes around visiting everyone apparently
and she’s like hey dude
why no wife?
and he’s about to say “man, I dunno”
but instead he’s all of a sudden just like
BECAUSE I AM GOING TO SWEAR AN OATH AND THEN DIE HORRIBLY AND LEAVE NOTHING FOR MY CHILDREN TO INHERIT
and Galadriel is like oooookayyyyy
and Fingon is like oh shit what did I say
I hope it wasn’t a prophecy or anything

so the moral of the story
is that elves
are all gossipy bitches

NOT THE ENNNDDDDD

doing this shit twice in a row
cuz I didn’t do it at all for a while
and because i stopped in the middle of a chapter
because the chapter was long
because NAMES
anyway look:

so Maedhros gets brought back to the other elves by Fingon
and he goes to all of Feanor’s old dudes
(not old as in wizened and crotchety
but old as in Feanor’s dead now
so they can’t be his dudes anymore now can they)
and Maedhros is like ok guys
I know there has been some bad blood between us
or more accurately some bad set-on-fire ships
and then some really bad death-march-through-ice-covered-wilderness
but seeing as we are camped like ten yards from Morgoth’s front door
maybe we should go back to being bros?
in the interest of that
i’m gonna go ahead and say that I am not king of the noldor
even though I’m Feanor’s oldest son
instead I think the king should be Fingolfin
you know, the guy who lead half our army through a raging shitblizzard just to get here
also have you seen Fingolfin’s hair, you guys?
dudes
there is a reason his name has the word hair in it TWICE
this bro has some luscious lady locks
some luxurious scalp-pubes
some A+ skull-fuzz, ok
and that shit is important to us because we’re elves

so but like some of Feanor’s sons are not down with this hair-based anti-nepotism
specifically this dude Caranthir
ok so
if you notice as the story goes on
that one of the elves is being a dick
you should probably assume it’s Caranthir
because he has basically taken over responsibility for being a dick
now that Feanor is dead
and it gets worse
cause now that all these Noldor are up in the North
they need a place to crash
and the best place they know is this dude Thingol’s house
you remember Thingol, right?
he’s the dude who was going to lead his army to Valinor
but was too busy getting laid to actually get on the boat
and honestly that whole thing has worked out pretty well for him so far
he has a whole kingdom of happy dudes working for him
and a hot wife
and an awesome cave fortress
except now here come all these rough and rowdy god-elves tryna take his shit

so he calls up Fingolfin and his bros
because he trusts them more for some reason
and he’s like ok guys
I know you’re family and all
technically we’re all family I think
which always makes sex really weird
but my point is
I don’t have couch space for your whole frikkin army
you gotta go out in the countryside and hang out there
because I’m not about to have you dirty western elves coming over here
takin our jobs
diddling our hot wives
none o’ that
no no no

so Fingolfin goes back to the other elves like alright guys
this kind of sucks I know
but It IS kind of rude that we just showed up and wanted to live in his house
and Caranthir recognizes that this is a good opportunity to be a dick
so he’s like NO FUCK THAT
WE SHOULD KICK THE CRAP OUT OF HIM AND TAKE HIS LAND
but Maedhros is like no dude shhh
don’t do that right now
do it later when it will REALLY fuck all of us over
and Caranthir is like Ok that’s fair
and then he goes and meets up with some dwarves
(cause oh yeah, the dwarves woke up)
and gets rich as fuck by trading with them
even though he is a big racist and thinks they’re gross

oh and while this is happening, Finrod and this other dude are out in the woods
and they fall asleep and Ulmo the water guy gets up in their dreams
all like DOOM DOOM DOOM GUYS
and they wake up like oh shit
we gotta build us some fortresses
but instead of letting each other know about their dreams
and maybe helping each other out
they tell each other NOTHING and TOTALLY SPLIT UP
and Finrod decides to build some sweet caves just like where Thingol lives
so he goes to thingol like yo dude do you know some caves
and Thingol is like yeah you know it
so then Finrod builds a place in some caves
and the dwarves help him
like basically for free
and on top of that they make him a powerful magical necklace
the magic makes it super light
and it always sits perfectly on the wearer’s neck

WAIT
HOLD ON
WHY IS IT THAT ALL THE MAGIC ITEMS IN MIDDLE EARTH FUCKING SUUUUUUCK
you’ve got the silmarils, right
which are basically just ultra-shiny jewels
and you’ve got this necklace
which is like the most powerful thing since forever
and all it does is refuse to flop around when you’re wearing it
let’s take a trip over to Norse mythology for a second shall we
where the least useful thing anyone has ever made
is a golden ring
that SHITS OUT IDENTICAL GOLDEN RINGS ALL THE TIME
anyway Finrod wears his pretty pretty necklace
and is pretty as fuck for however long, I don’t even care
oh also the other guy builds a fortress on a mountain
Ulmo tells him where to go eventually, because that guy was being slow

meanwhile, morgoth is doing
… nothing?
for real guys
like fifty years pass
and all Morgoth does is make ONE ATTACK that no one is expecting
and even though no one is expecting it
they totally ruin his shit
and set up a big siege around his fortress in Angband
but they can’t get in because mountains
and so hey, more peace!
except Morgoth never really stops sending out little groups of dudes for the elves to kill
he seems to love getting his dudes slaughtered
but finally he figures out that his orcs really suck at killing elves
which leads to him starting what is basically the cold war
i mean the war was pretty damn cold to start with
seeing as it takes place in the north first of all
and second of all they’ve fought like two battles in like A HUNDRED YEARS
but I just report the facts, ladies and gentlemen
and the facts are that the elves stay camped outside Angband for like another hundred years
waiting for Morgoth to invent dragons

so finally he does
but one of these dragons is way too eager
and it’s still just a little fire-breathing baby when it launches out of Angband
pissing brimstone and laughing
and Fingon stabs it a bunch and it gets sad and goes home
and everyone is like yayyy we’re saved
when what they should be saying is oh shiiit dragons
then no one fights anyone for ANOTHER 200 YEARS

so the moral of the story is
i guess you’re a lot more reluctant to fight ceaseless wars
when you have infinite lifespans
except wait, no, fuck that
the norse proved that one wrong as well

(NOT) THE END

fuck guys
fine
i get it
you want more Silmarillion
or if you don’t
you didn’t express your opinion loud enough
welcome to the internet
you have wandered into one of the bad parts

so when last we left our heroes
Feanor was burning bridges with the other half of his family
and by bridges i mean boats
and by burning
i mean actually fucking burning
he burned his boats
with fire
for real
what the perfect fuck
guys
you know what I want
more than almost everything else in the world besides infinite blowjobs?
A MOTHERFUCKING BOAT
and this dude is just setting them on fire for laffs
like i get it dude
you don’t want to give your bro Fingolfin a ride over to your side of ice hell
but you could just
you know
NOT GIVE HIM A RIDE
you don’t have to set fire to a bunch of perfectly good boats
god

anyway then Feanor is like EXCELLENT
THOSE PUSS-CLOWNS WERE THE ONLY THING STOPPING ME FROM ACHIEVING MY GOAL:
AN ALL-OUT ASSAULT ON MORGOTH’S IMPREGNABLE STRONGHOLD
WITH ONLY HALF OF OUR TOTAL FORCES
then he unleashes his fearsome war cry
which if you haven’t guessed by now
sounds like this:
DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

so he gets his ass handed to him
his literal ass gets literally handed to him
like a balrog lops it off with one of those crazy fire whips
and is like here dude
you seem to have dropped this
maybe because you were so distracted by all those mortal wounds you have
anyway have fun dying
and Feanor is like NO
and then he dies
but not before he makes all his sons swear to continue his dumb quest forever
because heaven forbid we let Morgoth have some fuckin shiny jewels or whatever
also when Feanor dies
he is so full of rage that his corpse seriously catches on fire and burns to cinders
so that part is rad at least

but then Morgoth sends a messenger like “hey guys, truce?”
and they’re all like haha we’ll totally bring a bigass army to the truce and fuck up Morgoth’s shit
but it turns out Morgoth was planning to do the EXACT SAME THING
only he betrays them harder than they betray him
because that’s what he do
and he ends up killing the whole ambush party and taking this dude Maedhros hostage
and hanging him from a rock
then all Feanor’s sons are like shit
maybe we should chill out for a while

meanwhile, Fingolfin and co are chilling out in a more literal way
they have made it across the gigantic hockey field of pain that is the northern passage
and they are searching for Feanor so they can fuck
shit
up
but then they get there and Feanor is dead
and Maedhros is captured
so instead of immediately killing each other
they kinda set up camp next to each other and it’s super awkward
and it’s at this point that Morgoth decides to fuck environmental regulations
and just start polluting like a mofo
so the sun is all blotted out
and dudes are miserable

Enter Fingon
Fingon feels like shit
because everyone’s fighting and he’s a wuss who doesn’t like fighting
so without consulting anyone
he decides to go rescue Maedhros
(Maedhros is one of Feanor’s sons, and Fingon is one of Fingolfin’s)
so he sneaks into Morgoth’s house to go get Maedhros
but he can’t find Maedhros cause Morgoth is not a dumbass who just leaves prisoners lying around
so basically what he does
is he hunkers down in a hidden crevice in Morgoth’s mountain fortress
and he dusts off his best singin’ voice
and he’s like
“SHE’S SO:”
and then he waits
with bated breath
until at last
almost imperceptibly
he hears the familiar voice of his long-lost friend, echoing down the halls:
“…HEAVYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY”
and that’s how he finds Maedhros

but Maedhros is chained to a rock
(HEY, JUST LIKE PROMETHEUS)
and he’s so miserable he just wants to be killed
so Fingon is like aw shit cuz
lemme take care of that for you
and he’s about to shoot Maedhros in the face with his bow
except that’s when Manwe, INSANELY PASSIVE KING OF THE VALAR, finally decides to intervene
see, Manwe knows what’s going on right now
because all the birds in the world fly back to him and tell him what’s up
(HEY, JUST LIKE FUCKIN’ ODIN)
so when Fingon lets his arrow loose
a fuckin EAGLE flies out of nowhere and grabs that shit and carries it away
and Fingon is like aw fuck
sorry about that, Maedhros
lemme just get another arrow real quick…
and Maedhros is like no no no dude
probably it’s a sign from the gods or something
totally a sign from the gods
and Fingon is like okay I guess
but they still can’t figure out how to set Maedhros free
cause fingon didn’t think to bring a metal file on his dungeon quest
so finally they come up with what they probably should have tried straight away
they cut off Maedhros’s shackled hand at the wrist
so he can just leave
and then he learns to wield his sword with his other hand
and rapidly becomes the biggest badass the world has ever seen
(OH HEY EXCUSE ME LADIES AND GENTLEMAN
BUT HAVE ANY OF YOU HEARD OF A FELLOW NAMED TYR?
WHAT THE FUCK TOLKIEN
WHAT, OUR HEARTS AND MINDS AREN’T ENOUGH?
YOU’VE GOT TO STEAL YOUR *IDEAS* TOO?
FOR REAL DOG
IT TAKES SOME SERIOUS NARRATIVE SKILL
TO STEAL THREE OF THE RADDEST CHARACTERS FROM MYTHOLOGY
AND CRAM THEM ALL INTO A SIX MILLION PAGE LEVIATHAN OF A STORY
THAT STILL SOMEHOW LACKS ANY QUALITY SEXY TIMES
BESTIALITY
EXPLOSIONS
DICK JOKES
OR BASICALLY ANYTHING THAT ISN’T A PROPER NOUN
OR A SYNONYM FOR A PROPER NOUN
THAT IS IN ITSELF
ALSO
A PROPER
FUCKING
NOUN.
CLOSE PARENTHESES.

anyway once Maedhros is back he’s like guys
Fingon totally saved my bacon
maybe we should stop hating each other
i mean true, he did cut off my hand
but darth vader did that shit to luke skywalker
and he was that dude’s DAD
so i think we can learn to forgive and forget
so let’s put our differences aside
and focus one what’s really important:
stealing back our shiny jewels from Fantasy Satan

so the moral of this part of the story
is that sometimes cutting off your friend’s hand
is exactly what you need to do to save your friendship
but it’s like
SUPER context-dependent

TO BE CONTINUED