The War With Morgoth Is Slow As Molasses-Soaked Balls

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doing this shit twice in a row
cuz I didn’t do it at all for a while
and because i stopped in the middle of a chapter
because the chapter was long
because NAMES
anyway look:

so Maedhros gets brought back to the other elves by Fingon
and he goes to all of Feanor’s old dudes
(not old as in wizened and crotchety
but old as in Feanor’s dead now
so they can’t be his dudes anymore now can they)
and Maedhros is like ok guys
I know there has been some bad blood between us
or more accurately some bad set-on-fire ships
and then some really bad death-march-through-ice-covered-wilderness
but seeing as we are camped like ten yards from Morgoth’s front door
maybe we should go back to being bros?
in the interest of that
i’m gonna go ahead and say that I am not king of the noldor
even though I’m Feanor’s oldest son
instead I think the king should be Fingolfin
you know, the guy who lead half our army through a raging shitblizzard just to get here
also have you seen Fingolfin’s hair, you guys?
dudes
there is a reason his name has the word hair in it TWICE
this bro has some luscious lady locks
some luxurious scalp-pubes
some A+ skull-fuzz, ok
and that shit is important to us because we’re elves

so but like some of Feanor’s sons are not down with this hair-based anti-nepotism
specifically this dude Caranthir
ok so
if you notice as the story goes on
that one of the elves is being a dick
you should probably assume it’s Caranthir
because he has basically taken over responsibility for being a dick
now that Feanor is dead
and it gets worse
cause now that all these Noldor are up in the North
they need a place to crash
and the best place they know is this dude Thingol’s house
you remember Thingol, right?
he’s the dude who was going to lead his army to Valinor
but was too busy getting laid to actually get on the boat
and honestly that whole thing has worked out pretty well for him so far
he has a whole kingdom of happy dudes working for him
and a hot wife
and an awesome cave fortress
except now here come all these rough and rowdy god-elves tryna take his shit

so he calls up Fingolfin and his bros
because he trusts them more for some reason
and he’s like ok guys
I know you’re family and all
technically we’re all family I think
which always makes sex really weird
but my point is
I don’t have couch space for your whole frikkin army
you gotta go out in the countryside and hang out there
because I’m not about to have you dirty western elves coming over here
takin our jobs
diddling our hot wives
none o’ that
no no no

so Fingolfin goes back to the other elves like alright guys
this kind of sucks I know
but It IS kind of rude that we just showed up and wanted to live in his house
and Caranthir recognizes that this is a good opportunity to be a dick
so he’s like NO FUCK THAT
WE SHOULD KICK THE CRAP OUT OF HIM AND TAKE HIS LAND
but Maedhros is like no dude shhh
don’t do that right now
do it later when it will REALLY fuck all of us over
and Caranthir is like Ok that’s fair
and then he goes and meets up with some dwarves
(cause oh yeah, the dwarves woke up)
and gets rich as fuck by trading with them
even though he is a big racist and thinks they’re gross

oh and while this is happening, Finrod and this other dude are out in the woods
and they fall asleep and Ulmo the water guy gets up in their dreams
all like DOOM DOOM DOOM GUYS
and they wake up like oh shit
we gotta build us some fortresses
but instead of letting each other know about their dreams
and maybe helping each other out
they tell each other NOTHING and TOTALLY SPLIT UP
and Finrod decides to build some sweet caves just like where Thingol lives
so he goes to thingol like yo dude do you know some caves
and Thingol is like yeah you know it
so then Finrod builds a place in some caves
and the dwarves help him
like basically for free
and on top of that they make him a powerful magical necklace
the magic makes it super light
and it always sits perfectly on the wearer’s neck

WAIT
HOLD ON
WHY IS IT THAT ALL THE MAGIC ITEMS IN MIDDLE EARTH FUCKING SUUUUUUCK
you’ve got the silmarils, right
which are basically just ultra-shiny jewels
and you’ve got this necklace
which is like the most powerful thing since forever
and all it does is refuse to flop around when you’re wearing it
let’s take a trip over to Norse mythology for a second shall we
where the least useful thing anyone has ever made
is a golden ring
that SHITS OUT IDENTICAL GOLDEN RINGS ALL THE TIME
anyway Finrod wears his pretty pretty necklace
and is pretty as fuck for however long, I don’t even care
oh also the other guy builds a fortress on a mountain
Ulmo tells him where to go eventually, because that guy was being slow

meanwhile, morgoth is doing
… nothing?
for real guys
like fifty years pass
and all Morgoth does is make ONE ATTACK that no one is expecting
and even though no one is expecting it
they totally ruin his shit
and set up a big siege around his fortress in Angband
but they can’t get in because mountains
and so hey, more peace!
except Morgoth never really stops sending out little groups of dudes for the elves to kill
he seems to love getting his dudes slaughtered
but finally he figures out that his orcs really suck at killing elves
which leads to him starting what is basically the cold war
i mean the war was pretty damn cold to start with
seeing as it takes place in the north first of all
and second of all they’ve fought like two battles in like A HUNDRED YEARS
but I just report the facts, ladies and gentlemen
and the facts are that the elves stay camped outside Angband for like another hundred years
waiting for Morgoth to invent dragons

so finally he does
but one of these dragons is way too eager
and it’s still just a little fire-breathing baby when it launches out of Angband
pissing brimstone and laughing
and Fingon stabs it a bunch and it gets sad and goes home
and everyone is like yayyy we’re saved
when what they should be saying is oh shiiit dragons
then no one fights anyone for ANOTHER 200 YEARS

so the moral of the story is
i guess you’re a lot more reluctant to fight ceaseless wars
when you have infinite lifespans
except wait, no, fuck that
the norse proved that one wrong as well

(NOT) THE END

J.R.R. Tolkein is a Goddamn Copy-Catter

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fuck guys
fine
i get it
you want more Silmarillion
or if you don’t
you didn’t express your opinion loud enough
welcome to the internet
you have wandered into one of the bad parts

so when last we left our heroes
Feanor was burning bridges with the other half of his family
and by bridges i mean boats
and by burning
i mean actually fucking burning
he burned his boats
with fire
for real
what the perfect fuck
guys
you know what I want
more than almost everything else in the world besides infinite blowjobs?
A MOTHERFUCKING BOAT
and this dude is just setting them on fire for laffs
like i get it dude
you don’t want to give your bro Fingolfin a ride over to your side of ice hell
but you could just
you know
NOT GIVE HIM A RIDE
you don’t have to set fire to a bunch of perfectly good boats
god

anyway then Feanor is like EXCELLENT
THOSE PUSS-CLOWNS WERE THE ONLY THING STOPPING ME FROM ACHIEVING MY GOAL:
AN ALL-OUT ASSAULT ON MORGOTH’S IMPREGNABLE STRONGHOLD
WITH ONLY HALF OF OUR TOTAL FORCES
then he unleashes his fearsome war cry
which if you haven’t guessed by now
sounds like this:
DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

so he gets his ass handed to him
his literal ass gets literally handed to him
like a balrog lops it off with one of those crazy fire whips
and is like here dude
you seem to have dropped this
maybe because you were so distracted by all those mortal wounds you have
anyway have fun dying
and Feanor is like NO
and then he dies
but not before he makes all his sons swear to continue his dumb quest forever
because heaven forbid we let Morgoth have some fuckin shiny jewels or whatever
also when Feanor dies
he is so full of rage that his corpse seriously catches on fire and burns to cinders
so that part is rad at least

but then Morgoth sends a messenger like “hey guys, truce?”
and they’re all like haha we’ll totally bring a bigass army to the truce and fuck up Morgoth’s shit
but it turns out Morgoth was planning to do the EXACT SAME THING
only he betrays them harder than they betray him
because that’s what he do
and he ends up killing the whole ambush party and taking this dude Maedhros hostage
and hanging him from a rock
then all Feanor’s sons are like shit
maybe we should chill out for a while

meanwhile, Fingolfin and co are chilling out in a more literal way
they have made it across the gigantic hockey field of pain that is the northern passage
and they are searching for Feanor so they can fuck
shit
up
but then they get there and Feanor is dead
and Maedhros is captured
so instead of immediately killing each other
they kinda set up camp next to each other and it’s super awkward
and it’s at this point that Morgoth decides to fuck environmental regulations
and just start polluting like a mofo
so the sun is all blotted out
and dudes are miserable

Enter Fingon
Fingon feels like shit
because everyone’s fighting and he’s a wuss who doesn’t like fighting
so without consulting anyone
he decides to go rescue Maedhros
(Maedhros is one of Feanor’s sons, and Fingon is one of Fingolfin’s)
so he sneaks into Morgoth’s house to go get Maedhros
but he can’t find Maedhros cause Morgoth is not a dumbass who just leaves prisoners lying around
so basically what he does
is he hunkers down in a hidden crevice in Morgoth’s mountain fortress
and he dusts off his best singin’ voice
and he’s like
“SHE’S SO:”
and then he waits
with bated breath
until at last
almost imperceptibly
he hears the familiar voice of his long-lost friend, echoing down the halls:
“…HEAVYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY”
and that’s how he finds Maedhros

but Maedhros is chained to a rock
(HEY, JUST LIKE PROMETHEUS)
and he’s so miserable he just wants to be killed
so Fingon is like aw shit cuz
lemme take care of that for you
and he’s about to shoot Maedhros in the face with his bow
except that’s when Manwe, INSANELY PASSIVE KING OF THE VALAR, finally decides to intervene
see, Manwe knows what’s going on right now
because all the birds in the world fly back to him and tell him what’s up
(HEY, JUST LIKE FUCKIN’ ODIN)
so when Fingon lets his arrow loose
a fuckin EAGLE flies out of nowhere and grabs that shit and carries it away
and Fingon is like aw fuck
sorry about that, Maedhros
lemme just get another arrow real quick…
and Maedhros is like no no no dude
probably it’s a sign from the gods or something
totally a sign from the gods
and Fingon is like okay I guess
but they still can’t figure out how to set Maedhros free
cause fingon didn’t think to bring a metal file on his dungeon quest
so finally they come up with what they probably should have tried straight away
they cut off Maedhros’s shackled hand at the wrist
so he can just leave
and then he learns to wield his sword with his other hand
and rapidly becomes the biggest badass the world has ever seen
(OH HEY EXCUSE ME LADIES AND GENTLEMAN
BUT HAVE ANY OF YOU HEARD OF A FELLOW NAMED TYR?
WHAT THE FUCK TOLKIEN
WHAT, OUR HEARTS AND MINDS AREN’T ENOUGH?
YOU’VE GOT TO STEAL YOUR *IDEAS* TOO?
FOR REAL DOG
IT TAKES SOME SERIOUS NARRATIVE SKILL
TO STEAL THREE OF THE RADDEST CHARACTERS FROM MYTHOLOGY
AND CRAM THEM ALL INTO A SIX MILLION PAGE LEVIATHAN OF A STORY
THAT STILL SOMEHOW LACKS ANY QUALITY SEXY TIMES
BESTIALITY
EXPLOSIONS
DICK JOKES
OR BASICALLY ANYTHING THAT ISN’T A PROPER NOUN
OR A SYNONYM FOR A PROPER NOUN
THAT IS IN ITSELF
ALSO
A PROPER
FUCKING
NOUN.
CLOSE PARENTHESES.

anyway once Maedhros is back he’s like guys
Fingon totally saved my bacon
maybe we should stop hating each other
i mean true, he did cut off my hand
but darth vader did that shit to luke skywalker
and he was that dude’s DAD
so i think we can learn to forgive and forget
so let’s put our differences aside
and focus one what’s really important:
stealing back our shiny jewels from Fantasy Satan

so the moral of this part of the story
is that sometimes cutting off your friend’s hand
is exactly what you need to do to save your friendship
but it’s like
SUPER context-dependent

TO BE CONTINUED

Man I Thought Reynard and Isengrin Were Just Characters From Gunnerkrigg Court

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quick one today
cause i’m about to spend all night writing a play:

so there’s this fox named Reynard
you can already tell he’s trouble
because he has a person name
ain’t no good ever comes of giving people names to animals
don’t believe me?
just watch

Reynard is thirsty
cause it’s thirsty work being an asshole all the time
and he runs across a well
but OH NO
THERE’S NO WATER IN THE BUCKET
jesus, calm down guys
let me explain to you how wells work
wells have two buckets, wound around a pulley
when you lower one bucket into the water
the other bucket comes up, full of water
then
you drink the water

now let me explain to you how Reynard uses the well
step one is he jumps into the empty bucket
step two is he falls down into the well
step three is he drinks all the water his stupid face and contain
and step four is ….
well, shit

so Reynard is stuck in the well because he’s a moron
but all is not lost
because what Reynard realizes
is that if someone gets into the other bucket
that bucket will fall down, while his bucket will go up
or, you know, he could just ask someone to hoist up his bucket
but everyone hates him because he’s an asshole
so that plan is right out

as luck would have it, this is when Isengrin the wolf comes strutting by
and Reynard is like SWEET
i’ve fucked this dude over MANY A TIME
one more should be no problem
HEY ISENGRIN
YO
ISENGRIN
IT’S YOUR BUDDY REYNARD
I’M DOWN IN THIS WELL
EATING A DELICIOUS CHEESE
COME JOIN ME
and Isengrin looks down in the well
and he sees the reflection of the moon in the water of the well
and thinks it is an enormous cheese

see, this is the problem when you give animals people names and teach them to talk
they’re still dumb animals

so Isengrin is like CHEESE?!
I FUCKING LOVE CHEESE
and he jumps in the bucket and falls in the well
and Reynard gets hoisted out of the well like HAHA ENJOY YOUR CHEESE BITCH
and then in the morning a bunch of farmers come along and stone Isengrin to death
HAHA REAL FUNNY RIGHT

so I guess the moral of the story
is you should always look before you leap
unless you don’t care about murdering your friends
then you can pretty much leap into whatever

the end

The Two Boys Who Were Olympic-Class Swimmers/Murderers

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It’s warming up here in chicago
but still I am nostalgic for the winter
that special time of year
when all the unimportant things
like joy and hope
vanish from the mind
and you are left free to focus on the important decisions
like whether or not to eat your roommate’s cat
it is in the service of this deeply ironic nostalgia
that I have elected to tell you yet another Angmagsalik myth
this time with less poop

so there’s this negligent father right
he has two sons
i don’t know how old they are
so let’s say they’re seven
it makes this all funnier
anyway this father takes his sons out to the ice-lake one day
and he’s like hey guys
let’s see if you can go down under water

one:
yes, they can
it’s called drowning and people do it every day
two:
these are your children, dude
why would you encourage this

so anyway these two boys jump in the water
and HEY
BIG SURPRISE:
they don’t come back up
so the dad hangs out for a while
and then he’s like oops
more dead kids I guess
guess i’m gonna have to go home and fuck my wife again
and off he goes

but HEY
BIG SURPRISE:
when he gets home his sons are sitting in the living room
chilling out
i mean literally chilling out
because they have just been submerged in ice water for like 5 hours
and the dad is like HOLY COW
DO THAT AGAIN
OH MAN WAIT TIL I TELL ALL THE OTHER DADS ABOUT THIS

so they do it some more times
and meanwhile the dad keeps flagging down kayakers like HEY
HEY
GUESS WHAT MY SONS CAN DO
and all the kayakers are just like whatever dude
but then the next morning the boys look out their window
and there are ALL THE KAYAKERS
because some time during the night
all of these dudes went from not giving a fuck
to believing that these two children MUST BE DESTROYED

so the kayakers are like “we hear you can hold your breath real long
prove it”
and the boys are like ok
and they dive down
and all the kayakers grab rocks to beat them with when they come up
if it was me i would have just shot them straight away
but i guess nothing these guys have done so far has been reasonable
and they don’t want to break their streak

but so obviously the boys don’t come back up
that’s their thing
and everyone gets tired and goes home
and by home
i mean the boys’ home
where they find the boys
because duh
but before everyone can kill them
someone runs up like GUYS GUYS
HOLY SHIT
THERE’S A WALRUS
and everyone is like WALRUS?!
LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOO

so they run back to the water
and the walrus is like oh shit time to peace out
and someone throws a harpoon in its ass
but it is giving no fucks
and then suddenly here come those two boys
they jump the walrus out in the water
drag it down to the bottom
butcher it with knives
take some meat
and then put the rest under the rock
just so no one else can have it
seriously
everyone is just being a dick to everyone else for no reason
it’s like in this village that is just the rule
like
if someone has a nice thing
you try and fuck that up for them
i guess this is what endless winter does to people

so obviously when the kayakers find out about this
they are even more determined to kill these boys
so they see the boys out in the water eating their seal meat
and they start paddling at them with their rocks
and the boys are like oh shit
better dive again
and they keep diving and going out deeper and deeper
until it gets REAL COLD
like i mean it was cold before
it was, say, ice-cube-tray-full-of-polar-bears cold
but now it is like
you go to tastee freeze and you order a large vanilla soft serve
and old man winter comes out of the back room
carrying the largest and most preposterously perfect vanilla soft-serve cone you have ever laid eyes on in your pathetic life
and then proceeds
to eat it in front of you
that’s COLD

so they have to start getting crafty
what they do is they pop out of the water right behind some of the pursuing kayakers
and they tip over their boats
and the dudes drown
they do this to EVERY SINGLE KAYAKER
so everybody is dead
and they never have to worry about getting murdered again
they just have to worry about who the fuck is gonna catch all the food
you know after having read this story
i think it might actually be the prequel of this one

anyway the moral of the story
is that you can’t just run away from your problems forever
sometimes you have to drown them in the freezing ocean

the end.

The Two Angmagsalik Sisters Have Every Fetish

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Welcome back to lovely Icefuck Island
[Greenland]
where the state bird is abject misery
and the official sport is cannibalism
from this floating sea-lozenge or arctic pain comes a lovely little tale
about doing sex with animals
here we go:

so there’s these two sisters
they are outside
which was their first mistake
their second mistake is that one of them is like hey
look at that eagle up there
and that whale skull down there
hey sis
I’m totes gonna marry that eagle
but YOU are gonna marry that whale skull
FATTY
and apparently FATTY is the magic word
because the whale skull turns into a whale and abducts the sister
and then the eagle comes flying down and picks up the other sister
like crazy north-pole zeus.
i think we can all agree
that this is total bullshit
i mean people say dumb shit all the time
if i got abducted by everything I said I was gonna marry
I would be married to a racecar, a case of gin, and a bag of pork cracklins AT LEAST
then again I would also be married to Kevin Spacey and whoever invented blowjobs
so maybe the problem isn’t that you can marry anything just by expressing the desire
maybe the problem
is that a whale skull and an eagle are two DEEPLY STUPID THINGS to want to marry
ok i need to stop talking about how fucked up this is
so I can get to talking about how fucked up THIS is:

the whale will not let his wife leave the house
not so bad, right?
that’s because you have forgotten that Greenland doesn’t have indoor plumbing at this time
so where does wife go to pee, you might wonder
does she just go in the corner?
nuh uh
the whale keeps her from having any excuse to go outside
by making her piss IN HIS MOUTH
GUYS:
WHAT??
IS THIS WHAT PEOPLE DID BEFORE THERE WAS INTERNET PORN?
LIKE
IF YOU WERE AN ANGMAGSALIK TEEN BACK IN THE DAY
DID YOU HAVE TO STASH STORYTELLERS UNDER YOUR MATTRESS
SO YOU COULD PULL THEM OUT WHEN MOM AND DAD WERE AWAY
AND HAVE THEM TELL YOU THE ONE WHERE THE HOT CHICK PISSES IN A WHALE’S MOUTH
WHILE YOU FURIOUSLY COCKED YOUR PLEASURE-RIFLE?
oh I know what you’re wondering
“Ovid, ovid
what about poops?
does she poop in his mouth too?”
no of course not you cretin
that would be unsanitary
she shits in his HANDS
come on guys

meanwhile the sister with the eagle has it pretty good
every day the eagle goes to the river and catches THREE NARWHALS
what kind of jumbo-jet eagle is this
that can carry a narwhal in each talon and one in its beak?
well i guess whatever kind of eagle can understand human speech
and likes to abduct young girls
…okay I am becoming more and more convinced that this is just zeus’s crazy northern vacation

anyway when the eagle is on his way home every day
he drops one narwhal at the girl’s parents’ house
which is good cause food is scarce up there
and then he brings the other two to his wife
so basically the joke is on her
she called her sister a fatty
and now it is her who is stuffing her face with actual blubber every night
obviously she won’t stand for this
so she makes a rope out of whale meat
and bungee jumps out of the nest one day when her husband is gone
and runs home
and later the eagle shows up at her house like WHAT THE FUCK
and her dad shoots him in the heart

RAD

but the other sister is still married to a perverted undead whale
so what the family does is they build a whaling boat
and they keep racing it against birds until it’s faster than birds
and then they go to the whale’s house
does anyone else think it’s weird that the whale has a house?
whales don’t live in houses, guys
that’s not something that whales
oh wait
just remembered what story this is
carry on

so the wife sees her family outside
and she’s like hey husband
let me go outside so I can piss
and the whale is like WOMAN
YOU CAN PISS IN MY MOUTH
and she’s like ok I need to make poop
and he’s like WOMAN
YOU CAN SHIT IN MY HANDS
and she’s like dude look
I have been shitting in your hands for like three months now
and you’re not leaving the house either
i can’t even see your hands under this mound of my shit
just tie a rope around me and you can pull me back in if I’m gone too long
and the whale is like OK FINE

so she goes outside with this rope
and he IMMEDIATELY starts yanking it
and she’s like DUDE
IT’S BARELY POKING OUT, JUST GIMME A SECOND
and then she starts tying the rope to a rock
but the whale starts pulling again
and she’s like MAN
FIVE MORE MINUTES
A BUTT-BABY LIKE THIS CAN’T BE RUSHED
and then she finishes tying it to a rock and jumps in the boat

so eventually the whale figures out what’s up
and he gets all pissed and climbs in the water
where whales are SUPPOSED to be
and he swims FAST
he swims SO FAST
that pretty soon he is about to eat the boat
and the girl’s family is like QUICK
GIVE HIM A STRIPTEASE
so she takes off her boots and throws them in the water

now friends
I have at times been accused of stigmatizing mental illness on this website
this is a fair claim
I want to take this opportunity to let you all know
that I have had a great deal of experience with mental illness
seeing as it runs in my family
real mental illness is not a thing I take lightly
with that in mind
here is the line that comes right after the girl throws her shoe in the water:
“The whale sniffed at it and examined it, and was thus retarded a little.”
Thank you.

but the whale is only a little retarded, so pretty soon he catches up
which means this girl has to take off more
(ie SEXIER)
articles of clothing
she takes off her
WOOLEN MITTENS
and her
ANORAK COAT
and her
FUR SCARF
and her
SOCKS
and her
NATIT
wait wait whoa what
what is a “natit”?

well thanks to the internet, I can tell you:
“natit, an article of dress that covers the sexual organs
and is applied by the young East-Greenlanders when they,
he or she , think themselves and are thought by their cognates
to be full-grown. Søren Hansen found for 31 men and 15 women
the average size to be 1647 and 1551 (max.: 1760 and 1650,
min.: 1540 and 1450), thus 23 and 60™°^ more. ”
in other words
it’s PANTIES
after the bestiality and the necrophilia
and the pissing in the mouth and the shitting in the hands
she throws her fucking panties at him
and he of course develops an overpowering nosebleed
crashes into the shore
and dies
bam
problem solved

so the moral of the story
is maybe you can’t fight fire with fire
but you can sure as shit fight fetish with fetish

the end

Joseph Smith is like John Smith but with a slightly less generic name

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Hey guys I’m back
I just saw a really popular musical
see if you can guess which one

Okay so it’s 600 BC
there’s some jews hanging out in jerusalem
cause where else are they gonna hang out, right?
oh wait
how about AMERICA?
yeah see cause this prophet Lehi has a vision
where god is like DUDES
I MADE THIS GREAT PLACE CALLED AMERICA
IT’S JUST SITTING OVER THERE BETWEEN THE PACIFIC AND THE ATLANTIC
SERIOUSLY GUYS WHY ARE YOU NOT THERE YET
IT IS BUMMING ME OUT
I MEAN I MADE IT A LONG-ASS TIME AGO
AND IT’S JUST LANGUISHING OUT THERE
WOEFULLY UN-JEWED

so Lehi gets onto a boat with some bros and heads for america
because everyone has always known
that america is the place to be

but when they get to america, they notice a problem
it is the same problem that european colonists will notice
when they show up about 2 thousand years later
it is this:
America has abundant food and water
the deers and the antelopes are cavorting like hell
amber waves of grain all up ins
they’ve even got purple mountains
and where the fuck do you even find those, outside an acid trip?
AMERICA, THAT’S WHERE
but there is one thing that America seems to lack:
BRUTAL WARS
so the colonists are like shit
we better get on this

so they waste no time
they split up into two rival factions
the Nephites and the Lamanites
I think the Nephites are the good guys but I am too lazy to check
it seems to me like they’re all pretty sucky though
cause how are you gonna try and fight a war
after you already traveled like a million thousand miles together
that’s like if I wanted to punch you in the face
and i was like hey man
let’s fly to Singapore
and then when we got off the plane in singapore
I punched you in the fucking face
…okay you know what that would actually be hilarious

anyway they fight and fight
dudes die, it’s awesome
but this whole time the Nephites have been writing this shit down
in a book with golden pages
i dunno how they found the time to get all that gold
seems like they’re pretty busy fighting
but anyway they’re writing and fighting
fighting and writing
in a language that no one else in the history of anything has ever heard of
called “reformed Egyptian”
which
from what I can tell
is made up mostly of sideways boobs, exclamation points, and different versions of the letter T

but then all of a sudden
JESUS APPEARS
cause he just got killed
and he is taking a vacation in america
when he sees all these dudes fighting and he is like WHOAH
WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH
NO FIGHTING
and then he has to explain everything to them that he already explained to the other jews
just to get them up to date
and I guess maybe he makes up some other stuff about how you should have a ton of wives
and some other stuff he forgot to say the first time

but all good things must come to an end
Jesus goes to heaven
and everybody else dies
but not before making sure to bury their golden book under a hill in upstate new york
you know, for posterity

CUT TO 1832
some dude named Joe Smith is hanging out in his house in upstate new york
when all of a sudden God is like JOE
JOE!!!
THERE’S SOME GOLD PLATES IN THAT HILL OVER THERE
I HAVE CHOSEN YOU TO GO DIG THEM UP SUDDENLY
GOOOOOOOO JOOOOOOOOOOOOE

so joe goes over to the hill and this angel appears like WHAT UP
I AM THE ANGEL MORONI
(Moroni is one of the guys who wrote the book with the gold plates
and also the last name of an italian mob boss played by Carl Weintraub on days of our lives
The Face of An Angel
COINCIDENCE?)
so Joe is pretty impressed
but then the Angel is like LISTEN UP KID
I GOT THESE PLATES FOR YOUSE
BUT YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ JACK SHIT TIL YOU SPEND FOUR YEARS COMING BACK HERE AND TAKING CLASSES WITH ME
CAPICE?
and that is exactly what happens

so Joseph finally digs up these golden plates
but like I said they’re in “Reformed Egyptian”
so it’s not like he can read it, right?
WRONG
clearly you have not heard of SEER STONES, my friends

here is how seer stones work:
step 1: take a rock
step 2: put the rock in a hat
step 3: put your face in the hat
step 4: TRANSLATION COMPLETE

I am not exaggerating
for several months Joseph Smith sits in his room
with his face inside a white stovepipe hat
shouting words at his scribe/investor Michael Harris
yes of course Joseph Smith needs investors
not like he could just sell pages from that golden book he found
that would be SACRILEGE

so this goes on for a couple months
with only one false start
which only happens because Michael Harris’s wife
(A confirmed FEMALE)
becomes suspicious of the fact that no one except Joe has seen the gold book
which he apparently doesn’t need to have in the house with him in order to translate
and which is written in a fake language
and is made out of gold and claims that ancient jews built boats and sailed to America
and so she has the audacity to ask to see the translation
and finally does
and then STEALS it
which makes Joe SO MAD
that he decides not to re-translate the part that she stole
and instead write a whole other part in 2 months
and then he has to get his buddy Harris to take out some more loans to get the book printed
but that doesn’t go so well
and Harris loses his house and his wife
which is okay because his wife pretty much sucked anyway

ANYWAY
people are somewhat reluctant to believe in a book
that was written by staring into a hat full of rocks for two months
but a lot of people are willing to make an exception
because it’s the true word of god/they are really bored
at which point the angel Moroni shows up in front of Joe again and is like YO KIDDO
I SEE YOU GOT A NICE THING GOING IN NEW YORK AND ALL
BUT THE TROUBLE WITH NEW YORK IS
IT IS NOT NEARLY ENOUGH LIKE ANCIENT JERUSALEM
BY WHICH I MEAN
DRY AS A BULLFROG’S COOTER AND WAYYY UNPOPULATED
ALLOW ME TO DIRECT YOU TO SALT LAKE CITY
except he’s way more cagey than that
and actually joseph dies on the way
and his buddy Bringham Young
who has a name like an evangelical pedophile
has to take over and lead them through the desert until everyone gets sick of wandering around
and is just like fuck it
this is where we live now
let’s wear white button down shirts and part our hair on the side
AND THAT’S WHERE MORMONS COME FROM

so the moral of the story is
give a man a fish
and he’ll eat for a day
give a man a hat full of rocks
and he’ll move to a place where there are no fish

THE END

Everybody Poops/Dies

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Here’s a myth I stole from one of my students
who stole it from Grimm’s, so it’s all good:

okay so there is a giant
he is stomping through the hills doing giant shit
which basically amounts to being naked
swinging a club
and taking giant shits
but suddenly his blissful morning routine is interrupted
by this impudent jerk standing in his path
the jerk is like YO STOP
and the giant is like FUCK YOU I’M A GIANT
I KILL PEOPLE
and the jerk is like OH YEAH WELL I’M DEATH
I UH
KILL PEOPLE
and the giant is like DUDE I’M NOT EVEN REAL
I CAN’T DIE
KA-PUNT
(he doesn’t make that noise with his mouth
he makes it with his club
well actually it is a collaborative effort
between the giant’s club and death’s face)
then the giant walks away to go be naked somewhere else
thus ending the only recorded mythical instance
of a giant ACTUALLY WINNING ANYTHING

so death just got chumped
and he is feeling pretty down
dude is made out of all bones, you see
he is not super durable
so he’s basically a pile of really deadly powder right now
wondering what’s gonna happen to the world when nobody can die
perhaps overpopulation will strangle humanity once and for all
or perhaps earth will turn into a rad valhalla where everyone parties forever
but we don’t get to find out
because this is when some jackass walks by and sees death all messed up
and is like here dude let me help you with those multiple fractures

so death gets up and is like dude
thank you so much for shitting all over the greatest boon humanity has ever received
how can I ever re-pay you
and the dude is like uhh
how about immortality?
and death is like naw bro that ship has sailed
tell you what
you’ll still die
but I’ll let you know I’m coming before I kill you
so you won’t be taken by surprise
and the dude is like okay I can deal

so this near-death experience obviously has an effect on this dude’s life
whereas most people go through a phase of life called a “mid-life crisis”
this man goes through a similar but importantly different phase
called “never-gonna-die sex party”
he drinks all the booze
gets all the laid
this dude becomes so committed to partying
that if the beastie boys were to force him to fight for his right to do so
the result would be WORLD WAR THREE

but then he gets sick
at first he’s pretty sure it’s just the mother of all hangovers
come to reprimand her most precocious of children
but it goes on for a WHILE
every part of his body seems determined to let him know what a terrible asshole he is
except for his asshole
which is determined to let him know what a terrible asshole IT is
so he’s curled up around the toilet, hating his life
but he takes solace in the fact
that he knows he’s not gonna die
cause death said he’d get a warning first

so eventually the tornado in his bowels clears up
and he goes right back to boozing and whoring
except the very next day someone taps him on the shoulder
and HOLY SHIT IT’S DEATH
death is like alright dude it’s time to die
and the man is like wait wait wait hold on
I did not get any type of warning
I have a date with siamese twins at 6:00 man
you can’t block my cock like that
and death is like dude
I’ve blocked mightier cocks than yours
plus I totally did warn you
what do you call two months of intense gastrointestinal distress, huh?
and the man is like oh COME ON
and death is like no YOU come on
we are going to hell together and I will not hear another word about it

so the moral of the story
is that if you see death lying on the ground
do not help that dude up
cause he gives bullshit prizes

THE END

Lady Isabels and the Elf Knights

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Today’s myth was brought to my attention
By burlesque rapper MC Double-Ds
she actually wanted me to tell you this story
but apparently Wiki Translate is staffed by the same people who made this
so I am going to do the next best thing
and tell you about some chick named isabel and her penchant for bad dudes

so this Isabel broad right
she’s sitting up in a tower
because that is one of the two accepted pastimes for women in the middle ages
(the other one of course being getting beheaded)
and meanwhile there’s this elf knight sitting outside soloing on his horn
and Isabel is like dayum
that dude can sure swoggle that horn
i wonder what else he can swoggle
i wish he were up here in my room
so I could find out right now with my vagina

and it looks like someone forgot to tell this chick she was in a legend
cause she is totally shocked to find that her wish has just come true
here is this strapping elf dude all up in her room
like damn girl
can’t a dude lay down some beats around here without some chick wishing he was up in her room
seriously
these are hide times for an up-and-coming musician like myself
oh well
as long as I’m here we might as well elope
you down?
And Isabel is like well I dunno
i don’t feel like I’ve been really sufficiently wooed yet
and the elf is like BITCH I’MA WOO YOU

and true to form, he woos her HARD
according to one text, in addition to wooing her “in the ha”
he also “wood her butt”
which is just
great
i mean
I can’t improve on that
so obviously this elf knight is quite the zesty lover
and Isabel finds herself sufficiently wood
or wooed or whatever
and she steals a bunch of her dad’s money and runs away with this guy

so okay
so far this sounds like some pretty solid fanfic
hot elfin buttsex in a tower
followed by a romantic getaway on horses
you can practically hear the bodices gettin’ ripped
but hold on
what’s going on
it looks like they’re stopping at a lake
and the elf knight is asking isabel to get naked
okay, okay, good start
he’s asking her to get naked
SO HE CAN DROWN HER IN THE LAKE?
BECAUSE HE HAS ALREADY DONE THIS TO SEVEN OTHER WOMEN??
HOLY SHIT WHY DID THIS STORY GO FROM BLUEBALLS TO BLUEBEARD ALL OF A SUDDEN?

yeah
apparently this jackass is in the habit of making chicks take off their nice clothes
before he drowns them
because the clothes are too nice to be ruined by all that water
what does he do with the clothes, you ask?
does he sell them?
does he wear them?
probably both
he seems like a pretty strange dude

anyway there’s a big hole in this plan
and i’m not talking about any of the holes he already wooed
the hole is this:
you abduct a super hot chick
then you take her to a lake and make her get naked
and then you are expecting HER to do what YOU say?
no no no
see Isabel is smart
she is like Hey elf guy
now that I’m all naked and stuff
it would be a shame not to make use of all these ladybits i’ve got hanging out
DON’T YOU AGREE?
And oh boy does he agree
he agrees so hard he tires himself out pretty good
and then he settles down for a nap
and then she drowns him
because duh

but that is not the end
because see there’s like fifteen million versions of this story
with one important difference between them
remember how I said Ol’ Elfdick had drowned seven dames before this one?
well in some versions he’s only drowned six
and in some he’s drowned eight
you know what I think?
I think we’ve got a dread pirate roberts situation on our hands
where the lady who kills the old elf knight
tapes down her boobs and straps on a wood dong
and starts the whole cycle over again
this would explain why in some versions of the story
the lady is able to distract the knight by telling him he shouldn’t be seeing her naked
and then she drowns him when he’s looking the other way
and then she goes home to her family and bribes her parrot to keep quiet about the whole thing
and then tells her parents anyway
and they go bury the knight in the sand so that no one will ever know
actually wait
that doesn’t explain that at all
nothing explains that

so I guess the moral of the story
is that you can lead a ho to water
but you can’t make her sink

THE END.

Alexander The Great is a Torrent of Testosterone

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9

Hello jerks
did you know that today
is somebody’s BIRTHDAY?
well yes you could probably have guessed that
babies are just popping off ALL THE TIME around here
but what is different about the particular baby I am referring to
is that this one has a fabulously wealthy husband
who has paid me top dollar to serenade his (not actually a baby) wife
with a bawdy yarn about history’s agreed-upon king of everything
that’s right
I’m talking about the man himself
the Ragin’ Eurasian Invasion
ALEXANDER “The Great” THEGREAT
(also this birthday girl’s day job
is to spend her days looking at crude illustration of monkey anuses for Britain
so i think my pity/awe would have motivated me to do this anyway
whether or not I was paid
haha dude i already have your money)

So Alexander the Great
holy
fucking
shit
This guy’s ass is so bad
chairs refuse to let him sit on them
for fear they might burst into flames
his ass is so bad
the only kind of pants he can wear
are those baby pants with the trapdoor for your poop
and the trapdoor always has to be open
his ass is so bad
he is constantly asking people if they want to swap asses
because honestly all of that stuff i mentioned is supremely inconvenient
luckily he is king of basically anything
which means he can have whatever ass he wants
(more on this later)

we’ll begin our tale with the day Alexander wakes up and is like hey
I just took over greece and most of europe or whatever
but you know what would really hit the spot right now?
A LAND WAR IN ASIA
GO GO GO GO
so he sprints into Asia
literally chucking spears at ground just to have stuff to chuck spears at
and basically the first thing that happens
is he gets ambushed by this Persian king named Darius
(let me explain this whole thing with Darius
in case you are not too hot on your ancient history
you remember 300?
well those spartan dudes were great and all
but they eventually lost because come on
and Persia eventually steamrolled Greece
despite everyone’s best efforts
and then Darius
but then Alexander!
but then still Darius
kind of)

anyway Darius tries to kill Alexander
by doing stupid things like attacking with swords and outnumbering him eight to one
and Alex just swats the persian army aside with his enormous dong
bangs Darius’s wife
then bangs Darius’s MOM
(okay that last one is conjecture
but he does take her captive
and then when she has a chance to go back to the persians
she’s just like nah
so my informed historical hypothesis
is that dick was gettin laid DOWN
maybe hot incestuous THREE-WAY dick
which we all know is the best kind)

but pretty soon alexander runs into trouble
the trouble is that he wants to take over this island called Tyre
and none of his dudes are mermaids or boats or zepplins
so he’s sort of stuck
or at least that’s what the citizens of Tyre think
what ALEXANDER thinks, on the other hand
is something like “MURDER MURDER MURDER BALLS BALLS KILL”

so after a less-than-satisfying negotiation with the people of Tyre
Alexander stomps back to his army
grabs a handful of dirt
drops it in the bay
and is like START BUILDING, ASSHOLES
so they do
they drop sand into that bay for SEVEN MONTHS
building a land bridge that ACTUALLY STILL EXISTS
and the whole time the Tyrians are throwing boiling sand at them
and making mean faces and talking shit
and finally Alexander is like fuck it
let’s just build some boats
prolly should’ve done this to begin with
and then he and his 40,000 men take over Tyre and kill ABSOLUTELY EVERYBODY
because like
that’s seven months none of those dudes are ever gonna get back
not like they could’ve just walked on by and conquered something else
no, see that would have made SENSE
real men do not make sense
they make THREATS
and then they DELIVER ON THOSE THREATS

then he takes over the cliff fortress of Oxyartes
with an elite force of 300 pissed off mountain climbers
and defeats King Porus’s army by fake attacking him every night for a SOLID MONTH
like a massive high-stakes game of i’m-not-touching you
before finally running over and murdering everyone when they get too bored
and I guess on top of being a military badass
alexander is also a pretty nice dude
because he becomes best bros with pretty much all the kings he conquers
except the king of Tyre because that dude is SUPER DEAD

but let’s get back to what really matters:
asses
specifically three hundred of the choicest asses in the known world
these asses belong to a cadre of babealicious amazons
(when will spell check finally recognize babealicious as a valid word)
and this cadre is lead by that most licious of babes
THALESTRIS
THE (totally fictional) QUEEN OF THE AMAZONS
what is this foxy battalion of confirmed lesbians doing in Alexander’s war camp?
obviously not fighting
that is not what women are for in these types of tales
these ladies are here
for SEXING
because see, not many people know this
but Alexander the Great and his contemporaries
lived in a time before test-tube babies
if you wanted fire screaming meat-pucks out your honeypot
it didn’t matter how much of a stone-cold lesbian you were
you had to do sex with a dude
and if you’re gonna break your vag streak for any dude
it might as well be the acknowledged king of everything, right?

so alexander and Thalestris bone
for THIRTEEN DAYS
they say she was not super impressed by his physique
but she was at least THIRTEEN DAYS worth of impressed
so I’d say that’s a win for everybody
and finally
after what must have been a fantastically exhausting two weeks
Thalestris finally announces that she’s preggo
which is good
because if you can’t get preggo after banging Alexander the great for thirteen days
you are probably a witch
(or a dude
but I think Alexander would have maybe noticed that)

Anyway
Alexander continues to romp and stomp for many years
before finally getting bored/shot with arrows/riddled with malaria
and heading home
where he proceeds to die from partying way too hard
all of which just goes to show
that if you live a life based solely on booze, boning, and wanton murder
you may live an incredibly sweet life
but when it finally comes time for you to die
it is still going to be incredibly sweet

happy birthday, miss biggs
and may your husband make sweet love to you for at LEAST thirteen straight days

THE END

The Grimm’s Brothers Present: THE INJUSTICE LEAGUE

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So this guy gets kicked out of the army
he gets kicked out of the army because he has no talents
and they are not about to give him any talents
those shits are expensive
so instead they give him three pennies
and he’s like WHOAH
THREE PENNIES?!
THIS DOES NOT SQUARE AT ALL WITH MY RIDICULOUS SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT
FUCK THIS, I’M TAKING OVER THE GOVERNMENT

so he goes walking around try’na get an army together
for this incredibly self-serving mission of his
and pretty soon he sees a dude in the forest
who is just straight PLUCKING TREES FROM THE EARTH
and our hero goes up to this German Hercules like hey man
come join my army
we’re gonna steal the government, it’s gonna be great
and Hercules is like ok dude sure
lemme just bring these trees to my mom first
WHAT THE FUCK
WHY DOES YOUR MOM NEED SIX ENTIRE TREES DUDE
IS YOUR MOM JUST LIKE
A WOODCHIPPER?
WOULD MAKE SENSE
CONSIDERING YOUR TOTALLY INHUMAN TALENTS
anyway he does that and they leave

pretty soon they see a dude squatting in the forest pointing a gun at nothing
normally these dudes are what are known as schizophrenics
but today is crazy bullshit day in germany
so instead this guy is a hunter SO SKILLED
that he is taking aim at a fly on a branch two miles away
to shoot out it’s fucking EYE
so our hero goes up to German Apollo like hey dude wanna help steal the government?
and Apollo is like SURE

then they meet a guy who can power windmills with his nose
and a guy whose legs have to be removed because otherwise he runs too fast
and a guy who has to keep his cap cocked at a jaunty angle or else the world turns to ice
and none of these guys really have anything going on i guess
so they decide to help this talentless asshole steal the government

so okay, you know how I keep saying this story is in germany
well i think maybe I was too quick to assume
cause when these dudes finally get to the king’s castle
he is holding a contest
where whoever beats his daughter in a footrace gets to marry her
and if they lose they get executed
SOUND FAMILIAR?
yeah
i think at some point the protagonist of this story
must have stumbled upon a time portal into ancient greece
maybe right around the time he met FUCKING HERCULES

so anyway these guys have an unfair advantage in this race scenario
seeing as they have what amounts to sonic the hedgehog meets bionic man on their team
so the leader of the group goes to the king like hey
i want to marry your daughter
but i’m gonna have my servant run the race with you instead
WHOAH WHOAH SLOW DOWN
are you telling me this army reject
has put himself in CHARGE of this group?
like he gets all the bitches and riches
while they do all the work?
man i don’t understand how this guy got kicked out of the military
seems like good officer material to me

anyway the king agrees
and the race begins
but it turns out that in addition to being inhumanly fast
this runner guy is also inhumanly lazy
so he gets halfway through the race
and then just lies down on a cow skull and goes to sleep
and the chick passes him
but then the hunter is on the roof of the castle, and he sees that shit
so he just takes out his gun and shoots the cow skull out from under the runner’s head
and the runner wakes up and stomps large quantities of ass
or I guess just one ass
the ass of the princess
there is no evidence one way or the other about the size of the princess’s ass
although i would appreciate more of that sort of evidence in my mythology

so the race is one and the deal is done
but the king is not happy about his daughter marrying some army reject
(neither is the princess for that matter
but who cares about her, right?)
so what he does is he invites all six of these crazy dudes to a feast
inside a locked iron room
with a fire underneath it
WHAT
WHY DOES HE HAVE ONE OF THESE
WHO THINKS ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS WHEN THEY’RE BUILDING A CASTLE?
anyway the room starts getting pretty hot
but that’s when Mr. Freeze decides to spin his cap around
and everything gets nice and icy
and they all bust out of the room like THANKS FOR THE FREE FOOD DUDE

so the king is rapidly running out of schemes
and his final scheme
is just to try and buy these guys off
so he agrees to pay them as much gold as one of them can carry
in exchange for leaving him and his daughter alone
I think you know where this is going
the leader of the pack hires every tailor in the kingdom
to make him an ENORMOUS SACK
and then he gives the sack to hercules
who proceeds to walk off with the entire gold content of the kingdom
the king is none too pleased with this so he sends his army after them
at which point windmill guy blows (on) everybody in the army until they give up and go home
and everyone in the kingdom dies of starvation
and these six bastards party until they die too

so the moral of the story
is that you should never let your lack of talent
get in the way of your shameless acquisition of other people’s stuff

the end.