Melkor Knocks Some Shit Over

Posted on by
9

Hey guys
welcome back to JRR Tolkien’s answer to fun: THE SILMARILLION
Seriously
by the time you get three books into this
every paragraph is like fifty percent proper nouns
like I know you’re a linguist dude
I get it
I read about it on wikipedia
that does not mean you have to give everything THREE NAMES
DUDE DO YOU REALIZE
IF EACH THING HAS THREE NAMES
THERE ARE GOING TO BE THREE TIMES AS MANY NAMES AS THERE ARE THINGS
WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO PUT ALL THOSE THINGS DUDE
YOU ARE GOING TO NEED A WHOLE OTHER UNIVERSE
AND THAT UNIVERSE
IS GONNA NEED ABOUT THREE MORE NAMES

maybe it gets better, i dunno
you’re getting my gut reaction on this
which i am honestly playing up a little for comedic effect
shit i just ruined it

ANYWAY
last time I kinda glossed over the part about how the world got made
and this time I am not going to make that same mistake
so let’s see…
yeah so Ulmo is king of the water
he makes all the water stuff happen
and he’s sort of a loner
this is because of the fourteen major gods that have chosen to reside on earth
twelve of them are married
and the remaining two are Ulmo, god of water
and Nienna, goddess of CEASELESS WEEPING
and even the god of the ocean can have enough saltwater, you know?
anyway he’s not important at all to this story
because his job is pretty much to lay low
and make sure nothing catches fire permanently

speaking of fire
let’s talk about that dickhead Melkor again
he’s just arrived on earth
and he’s real pissed because of the sweet gems this dude Aule is making
he’s real pissed because out of all the gods
Melkor’s powers are most similar to Aule’s
Melkor’s being heavy metal
and Aule’s being, of course, hard rock
so Melkor starts tearing up all of Aule’s shit
and Aule is building it back up as best he can
when along comes this dude Tulkas
whose WHOLE JOB
is just to wreck Melkor’s shit whenever Melkor shows up
so he does that
pretty much singlehandedly
and Melkor runs away and hides in space

so everyone’s like sweet! Awesome!
now that we don’t have to worry about everything exploding
let’s pimp out this rad planet we got
so they start jamming out hardcore
this hippie chick Yavanna starts making all these plants and shit
Aule is stacking up sweet hills like geology tetris
and they put these two huge spotlights on giant pillars to illuminate everything.
they are making excellent progress
and in no time at all, everything is basically as sick as it can possibly be
but like, the good meaning of sick
the bad one comes later
i am sorry for the confusion, but i was running out of synonyms for “sweet”

with that finished, the gods shift their prime directive
to the time-tested pastime of gods everywhere:
PARTYING
HEARTILY
so they all head over to this giant feast at Manwe’s and Varda’s place
(Manwe being king of the gods, and Varda being the queen)
and they are all chowing down and having a great time
and Tulkas (who has been fighting Melkor pretty much nonstop for like a week)
and Yavanna (who has been making plants pretty much nonstop for like a week
and is also pretty stoned)
both crash on the couch
for some well deserved rest
and it is THIS MOMENT that Melkor chooses to strike.
Seriously
when we the last time you heard about a celestial hoedown
that was not interrupted by some sort of cataclysmic party-foul?
(I was going to link to another myth there too
a Sumerian one about the origin of fetal alcohol syndrome
but then i realized it is only available in my book
coming March 5th!)

But Melkor doesn’t try to crash the party
no, he’s to crafty for that
instead he takes all his dudes
(cause he has dudes apparently)
and he has them all burrow under the ground way up to the north
and they make a huge fortress there
then he changes his name to Morgoth
because Melkor was not evil-sounding enough?
also he knocks over the pillars with the big spotlights on them
and the spotlights are not properly secured
so they fall over and light everything on fire
which is why you should always have your light fixtures installed by professionals.

So the gods shrug off their big ol’ hangovers
and they are like shiiiiiiiit
how did all this evil get up in our land?
seriously
plants are dying
animals are growing gross horns and murdering each other
mountains are shitting out lava and exploding everywhere
I tell you, this land used to be sick as hell
but now it is AS SICK AS HELL.
(haha I told you that shit was coming back)

but they can’t do anything about it
cause Melkor is in this invincible underground bunker
and it’s not like these are the guys that shaped the earth or anything
they’re powerless to stop him
so they do the next best thing
which is they uh
leave

YUP
the benevolent creators and protectors of the world
when faced with the main thing the world needs to be protected from
move to basically middle-earth’s equivalent of the bahamas
surround it in an impassible mountain range
and then spend the next age turning it into a deathless party pad for them and their crew
NICE

during this time they do shit like
Manwe puts his throne on top of the highest mountain of all
so he can eat popcorn and watch the world burn
while eagles and ravens fly up to deliver him news
because Tolkien realized he wasn’t ripping off enough norse mythology
and also Yavanna makes these two trees
called Telperion and Laurelin
which are actually sort of gross-looking if you think about it
i mean one has gold leaves and one has silver leaves
and the flowers on each of them sort of
…ooze light onto the ground?
I don’t care if it’s light or marzipan or fucking thousand dollar bills
anything that trickles or oozes out of a plant’s orifice
I do not want.
but anyway those things are basically the sun and the moon
the gods put them on this crazy 12-hour dimmer cycle
and thus invent time
which is redundant
because in their new kindom of Valinor
every time is partytime

BUT NOT FOR EVERYONE
shockingly there are still people who give a shit
about how Melkor is fucking everything to death
for example Ulmo gives a shit
because he’s never invited to any of the parties anyway
and Yavanna gives a shit
because she’s a goddamn treehugger
and Aule gives a shit
because someone has got to keep the rock alive
and this guy Orome kind of cares too
inasmuch as he occasionally rides through Middle earth just killing animals
and most of those animals are mutant beasts so i guess he’s helping?
but none of that matters
because everyone else is too busy partying
and it is hard to save the world
when all your roommates just keep dropping acid and shitting in your fridge

so the moral of the story
is if at first you don’t succeed
relocate to the equator and drown your failure in orgies

THE END…?

Daedalus is a Way Bigger Asshole Than You Suspected

Posted on by
2

Yes guys I heard you
you want me to translate more of Tolkien’s dense jungle of fancy names for you
and you will GET more Silmarillion
I guarantee
except you are going to have to wait til Wednesday
because today I dug up a Greek myth you might also dig.

So Daedalus
you may remember him as the very smart guy with the very dumb sperm
but before he was that guy
he was the royal arch-nerd of Athens
trained by Athena herself
and he had an apprentice

this apprentice was named Perdix
or Talos
or Calus
or Circinus
or … Tantalus?
You know, maybe there were more than one of these dudes
and Daedalus just went through them like blueprint paper
which he probably also used as toilet paper
because he was too lazy to go to two different stores
you know how geniuses are.

But that is all baseless conjecture
so we’ll pretend these dudes were all the same person
because it makes the story easier
and we will call them all Perdix
because it sort of sounds like bird dicks
and now you have to think about that.

Perdix is twelve years old
and he is mad smart
I mean Daedalus is smart
he can build handjob robots and do math and parallel park like a motherfucker
but Perdix is so smart
one day he finds a fish skeleton on the beach
and he discovers he can use it to cut sticks in half
and then invents the saw
HOLY SHIT
this kid is so smart he can cut sticks in half with some brittle-ass fish remains
he is performing construction work
armed only with the type of shit satiated cats pull out of their gullets in cartoons
fuck inventing saws
who gives a shit about that, you can buy those at the store
who is this guy who can CONQUER WOOD WITH GARBAGE??

So Daedalus hears about this and is like aw hell no
I have been trying to figure out how to chisel granite with a rusty tin can for like
AGES
this kid is going DOWN
and then it turns out Daedalus is right
except what Perdix is going down on
turns out to be Perdix’s MOM
who is also Daedalus’s sister
DUDE IS LIKE TWELVE
HE HAS SO MUCH GAME.
and Daedalus is like okay
so not only is this guy better than me at science
he is also better than me at sex?
fuck this, everybody dies

so he’s like hey perdix
come with me up to this high tower so i can give you a geography lesson
and Perdix is like okay what’s the lesson
and Daedalus is like the lesson is that geography is very dangerous
when you are hurtling towards it at high speeds
ka-PUSH!

so perdix dies
and Daedalus stuffs him in a bag and starts dragging him to the dump
and people are like whoa dude what’s in that bag
and Daedalus is like “oh well I saw a snake on the ground
and it is against the law to leave snakes lying around
so i picked it up and put it in this bag”
but friends
take it from me
there is a big difference between a bag full of snakes and a bag full of dead kids
people figure out daedalus’s crafty ploy
about the same time the bag starts leaking copious amounts of blood
seriously for a genius inventor he is pretty bad at disposing of bodies.
I guess he does pretty good with Icarus, though, now that i think of it.

Anyway, Athena is not a big fan of this whole scenario
but all she does about it is turn Perdix into a partridge
and that is why partridges always stay low to the ground
or in pear trees or whatever
it’s because they don’t want to get pushed out of any more buildings
even though they can FUCKING FLY NOW.

As for Daedalus, he gets kicked out of the city
which is not a big deal because he just moves town the road to Crete
where he makes his living building anatomically correct fursuits for the nobility
until he gets in even more trouble

So the moral of the story
is you can either be successful in science
or successful in bed
being both is just asking your friends and instructors to defenestrate you

THE END.

The Jam Session That Created the Universe, by J.R.R. Tolkien

Posted on by
11

So there’s some dudes
oh wait shit i got ahead of myself
first there’s only one dude
his name is Iluvatar
(but with an accent over the u
but fuck accents this is america)
but then Iluvatar has him some thoughts
and those thoughts turn into other dudes
and those other dudes are called the Ainur

so Iluvatar lines up all these Ainur
and he’s like alright dudes
I have called you all here today
because I have a great idea for a band
you see
some bands rock hard
some bands even rock out with their cocks out
my friends
we are going to rock out so hard
we are going to INVENT COCKS
and EVERYTHING ELSE, actually.
Everyone thinks this is mad sweet
so they all gather round
and Iluvatar teaches them
A MIGHTY RIFF
and then he’s like okay dudes
now it is time
for you
to JAM

so all these Ainu are jamming out
busting mad solos on their celestial instruments and whatnot
and Iluvatar is sitting in his arm chair all pleased
but then this one Ainu named Melkor has to come along
and stick his dick in the porridge, so to speak

Here’s Melkor’s deal:
he is by far the most gifted musician out of all these dudes
he’s like if Orpheus was playing a Bach concierto on a piano made of Mozarts
dude is a prodigy is what I am trying to say
so obviously he doesn’t feel the need to show up to celestial band practice
and instead spends most of his time wandering through the void
looking for the sacred flame that animates all creation
you know
like ya do.

But if H.P. Lovecraft has taught us anything
(and I’m not saying that he has)
it is that wandering through the void is an excellent way to go TOTALLY CRAZY
so Melkor basically morphs into a huge asshole
and shows up at the big important Ainu dress rehearsal totally wasted
and with an ELECTRIC GUITAR
[warning: electric guitars are not strictly a canonical part of this myth
but they are a strictly canonical part of any totally sweet band
so suck it]

so everyone is jamming with the sweet riffs Iluvatar gave them
and meanwhile Melkor is just shredding over there on his axe
paying less than no attention to the rhythm or key or anything
and eventually the dudes who are standing near him are like holy shit
this music makes my blood want to shoot out my skull and start doing pushups
fuck Iluvatar’s pussy-ass music of creation
it is time for some goddamn THRASH METAL UP IN HERE

so dudes start drop-tuning their harps and lyres and organs
and whatever other lame shit you use when you’re not playing speed metal
and within ten minutes Iluvatar’s sweet heavenly orchestra
has become Melkor’s doombattle moshpit slaughterhouse
so Iluvatar stands up
all slow and confident
and he puts up his left hand
and suddenly this new riff starts up
and it’s pretty sweet, and it’s actually managing to pull the song together a bit
but then Melkor is like FUCK DAT
and starts biting the heads off chickens and whatnot
beating his guitar against his face and eating rusty nails
so Iluvatar stands up again
and this time he looks a little peeved
and he puts up his right hand
and ANOTHER riff starts up
all beautiful and placid and harmonic and shit
but Melkor is having none of it
he is just mashing power chords with the amps turned up to gazillion
so finally Iluvatar gets REAL PISSED
and he puts BOTH hands up
and the music just STOPS
and he’s like way to go guys
look what you did:

so he gives them all the power of sight
because up to this point
we were just dealing with an entire orchestra of brilliant Stevie Wonders
and BAM
they all see the world that their music has apparently been making
no one told them this would happen
they just thought they were having a sweet jam sesh
and the world is AWESOME
and Iluvatar is like yeah i know it’s awesome
guys this was my plan
even your shit, Melkor
I planned that too
like all that fire and ice and lava and shit?
that is where we get snowflakes and rain and … and rad lava
so everyone wins!
and everyone is looking at this world
and all their licks and riffs and meedlies are encoded in the terrain
and they are totally getting their minds blown
and then DUDES start showing up
humans and elves!
and Iluvatar is like okay who wants to go live in this new world
and everyone is like OH ME ME ME
so they go to earth and become the Valar
except joke’s on them
because that shit they saw?
that was just a vision of how things are GOING to be
so now earth is just a screaming ball of magma and junk
and they are the ones who have to do the hard work of building it
so humans and elves can just show up and party

so naturally these dudes are pretty pissed
the main guys who got suckered into this
are Ulmo, who is mainly in charge of water
Manwe, who does wind stuff
Aule, who is a geology nerd
and Melkor who is an asshole
also Melkor invents fire
which is good
but he invents it by torching all of the other stuff
so, not as good

so imagine yourself in this situation
you’ve just been promised a paradise based on a sweet track you recorded
you pay the security deposit, sign the lease
and now you are stuck in a hell of fire and low property values
while your dick friend tries to immolate everything you own
and you are PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR RENNOVATING THIS PLACE

naturally the outcome is ceaseless wars
the Valor keep trying to build shit
and Melkor just keeps setting it on fire
over and over again
until finally the valor succeed in making something vaguely resembling a world
and all the humans and elves show up
and the valor all put on human and elf skins
because when they’re naked they’re just invisible
which is actually a pretty okay superpower depending on your body image
and Melkor doesn’t want them to have all the fun
so he tries to assume physical form too
but he is too metal for humanity, so he turns into a VOLCANO
and then more wars
but eventually less wars
and now, people!

So the moral of the story
is that shitty music is literally destroying the world.

the end.

In Which Eating Kids is Not a Big Deal

Posted on by
18

I just looked out my window
the one window that is not completely obscured
by the plastic bags and broken dreams we have used to insulate our house
and it is a god damn winter wonderland out there
by which I mean
it is about t-minus ten minutes until my room-mates and I start drawing straws to see who gets eaten
AND WITH THAT IN MIND
allow me to re-introduce you to the people who pretty much invented being cold
THE ESKIMOS OF ANGMAGSALIK

Okay so there’s this dude
he is a pretty lonely dude
cause last winter all his neighbors starved to death and he ate them
so yeah
that’s some messed-up shit for a person to have to go through
and now it’s summer
(by which I mean slightly less terrible winter)
and he is back to catching seals and all is good
except he gets home one day with some seals
and he gives them to his wife to cut up
(yeah his wife is still alive too
which means you can’t blame any of the shit he’s about to do
on not getting laid)
but his wife is taking SOOOO LOOOONG to cut up those seals
and that boiling water looks SOOOO GOOOOD
and he gets to thinking “man, you know what I really miss?
the taste of human flesh.”
so he grabs his son and boils him alive
and then his wife comes back in like “hey where’s our son?”
and he hides the boiled child behind his back like “uh, uh…
who knows?
probably out playing with his friends or something”
and his wife is like “honey he doesn’t have any friends
we ate all his friends
but whatever, i guess
let’s eat dinner”

so they sit down for dinner
and the husband is real sly
and sneaks all that tasty child meat onto the table somehow
like i don’t know
maybe in a paper bag or something
and he decides that instead of eating the tasty seal meat
he is going to exclusively eat his own son
because i mean
if you go through the trouble to kill your son
you don’t want to let that meat go to waste
and it’s not like their whole nation is a vast refrigerator or anything
so leftovers are definitely not an option
which is why they end up throwing all the uneaten seal meat outside
where this old dude finds it and chows the fuck DOWN

now, this is no ordinary old dude.
This dude is the ONLY OTHER SURVIVOR of last winter’s cannibal holocaust
so he’s basically starving his ass off
in fact his ass long ago left him for greener pastures
what i mean is, he’s real skinny
(and someone ate his ass)

so this old starving dude eats all this steaming fresh seal meat
and then he goes inside and they give him MORE seal meat
and the whole time, cannibal dad is like “hmmm
maybe I’ll eat this guy too”
except he doesn’t
he just lets him crash at his place
and in the morning he kicks him out
because i guess the temptation would be TOO GREAT
and he gives the old man a ride back to his own house
and rows back in his kayak
and later they find out that the old man died
because he ate too much after starving for too long.
The end.

…wait
WAIT
THAT’S the end of the story?
There are literally NO consequences for filicide/cannibalism??
The whole time I was reading this story I was like damn
this dude is a grade A sociopath
good thing this is a fable designed to teach us lessons
and so he will not be allowed to escape unscathed
but as far as this myth is concerned
cooking and eating your own son
is about as dramatic as going to the fucking grocery store
ESKIMOS
I HAVE TWO WORDS FOR YOU:
WHATIS
WRONGWITHYOU

so the moral of the story
is obviously that the most efficient path to becoming a virtuous person
is to kill and eat everyone within a nine-mile radius
then you can’t help but be virtuous
because there’s no one left to kill and eat.

THE END.

Timun Mas Does Not Know What Food is For

Posted on by
7

So continuing with last Saturday’s theme of giants stealing children
here’s a story about love, loss, and culinary ineptitude
it comes from indonesia,
(and therefore this website)
which someone told me gives it hipster cred

So there’s this childless couple
they really want kids
which seems to be the problem with most childless couples
at least according to all these stories
seriously
why can’t people in folklore just chill out and focus on their careers?
anyway one day a giant shows up
and is like guys
I have heard you crying about your baby problems
and I have here a baby solution
no I am NOT talking about my semen for once
I am actually talking about this bag of CUCUMBER SEEDS
HOORAY, CUCUMBER SEEDS

so he leaves the seeds with them
without any explanation
and since there’s no instruction manual or anything
the couple decides to plant the seeds and see what happens
what happens is this:
a cucumber plant grows
but not just any cucumber plant
a GOLDEN cucumber plant
with a GOLDEN veggie-wang dangling right off it
and it gets pretty big
and these people are both sort of unsure what to do with it
when it pops open and a BABY comes out of it
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH OH FUCK POD PEOPLE

but instead of killing the baby with fire before it can fully develop and supplant the populace
they decide to raise it as their own
and it becomes a she
and she is named Timun Mas
which means something like Cucumber Face
which is not a nice thing to name your baby.

Anyway all goes well for seventeen years
Cucumber Face is getting way hotter than her name would imply
and she is getting ready to start pulling more wang than a rickshaw driver in downtown Hong Kong
when all of a sudden that fucking giant comes back
like HAHA THOSE SEEDS WERE A LOAN AND I’VE COME TO COLLECT
and Timun’s parents are all like SHIT SHIT SHIT
QUICK, CUCUMBER FACE
RUN AWAY
TO ASSIST YOUR ESCAPE, HERE IS A BAG OF CONDIMENTS!

Seriously
their master plan is to give her a sack which contains salt
chili powder
cucumber seeds
and shrimp paste
and instead of using these things to cook the giant a spicy people stew
Timun wisely runs away before shit can get any stupider
so she’s running
and the giant is chasing her
and this bag of useless shit is getting pretty heavy
so she chucks all the salt at the giant
because salt is cheap
and the salt TURNS INTO AN OCEAN
holy balls
where did Timun’s parents get this shit
ocean-causing salt has all kinds of really terrifying military applications.
so she keeps running
and the giant swims across the sea and keeps chasing
so she throws the chili powder at him
and it turns into TREES
which does not even make the minimum amount of sense required for a fairytale
so the giant just ignores them
which forces her to chuck all the cucumber seeds
which turn into
…wait for it…
CUCUMBERS
which the giant eats
and then he gets sleepy and passes out

but wait
didn’t we already establish that cucumbers are where babies come from?
so Timun just saved her own life
at the cost of like A THOUSAND BABIES?
GREAT JOB CUCUMBER-FACE
GREAT JOB BEING THE JOSEPH STALIN OF AGRICULTURE

but the problem with naps is that eventually you wake up
so the giant gets up and KEEPS CHASING
and all Timun has left is that shrimp paste
so she throws it
and it turns into a swamp
and the giant drowns, the end

so the moral of the story
is that if you are running from some kind of loan-sharking goliath
and you need to lighten your load
throw away your grossest posession FIRST
because it is probably also the most magical
and also who the fuck wants to carry shrimp paste around?

the end.

Loki is Sort of Okay, I GUESS

Posted on by
12

So there’s this giant named Skrymir
which, yes, is pretty much an anagram for Skyrim
so have fun with that lawsuit, ancient norse dudes
but anway, one day Skrymir just runs up to a dude
who is standing in the middle of a thunderstorm
because he didn’t check the weather report before going apple-picking
and Skrymir is like DUDE
I WILL PLAY YOU CHESS FOR YOUR LIFE

now this dude is a dude who goes apple-picking in thunderstorms
which means he’s not what you would call a chess grand master
but it also means he’s too stupid to realize that
so despite the fact that he doesn’t even know the rules of chess
he agrees to play

AND HE WINS
I don’t know what kind of dude runs around
challenging people to life-or-death chess games
despite the fact that he is TERRIBLE AT CHESS
but apparently his name is Skrymir
and he has yet to grasp the finer points of hustling

So Skrymir is like bro, bro
let me buy my life back from you, yeah?
and the dude is like sure
but it’s gonna cost you
it’s gonna cost you ALL OF THE BOOZE
and ALL THE BACON
and by bacon I mean ACTUAL BACON
not bacon as in money
although actually I want all the money too
and build me a huge hollywood dream house
and make it so no one in my house ever dies either
and Skrymir is like YES, WONDERFUL
WHAT A FAIR AND TOTALLY NON-IMPOSSIBLE PRICE YOU HAVE SET

so the dude goes home to his wife
and his wife is like hey honey where have you been
and he’s like oh you know
just picking apples in a rainstorm and pissing off giants for profit
the usual
and his wife is like oh cool cool
i’m just gonna head down to the cellar for a bit
to wait out the vengeful shitstorm you’ve called down upon us

meanwhile, Skrymir is traveling all over the world
reaming treasure out of mountains like a 14-karat enema
building this fantasy castle the dude has commissioned
and getting very, VERY pissed.

But he still builds the castle
because giants are basically the ultimate contractors
and the dude takes one look at its shiny majesty
struts inside
and proceeds to abide.

YEARS PASS
the dude gets a reputation as a pretty chill fellow
throwing sick feasts and inviting whoever
when suddenly Skrymir shows up like DUDE
LET’S PLAY CHESS
I HAVE BEEN TAKING LESSONS

I don’t think I need to remind you about how dumb this guy is
he plays another game of chess against the giant
and this time
HE LOSES
luckily he wasn’t playing for his life or his castle
just a little thing called his SON

naturally the dude can’t be arsed to pay up
so instead
he calls up the number one dude for getting out of deals with giants:
ODIN
he’s like Odin, buddy, hide my son for me
and Odin is like well you’re rich, so okay
and then he makes a huge field of wheat grow up overnight
and he hides the kid inside a single grain of a single stalk of wheat
instead of just letting the kid crash at Asgard for a couple nights
because in case it isn’t clear already
Odin is a phenomenal cheapass

so the next day Skrymir comes to get the kid
and the kid is nowhere around
but there IS this suspicious wheat field that wasn’t there yesterday
so he’s like HMMM
and just puts the whole wheatfield in his mouth
which understandably freaks out the kid hiding in the wheatfield
so Odin is like okay dude, okay, just come out and run over to me
I’ll take you back to your dad
then he goes back to the castle and hands over the kid
like welp
problem solved, right?

WHAT? NO! There is still an angry giant looking for this kid
but Odin called no tag-backs, so they have to go bug another god
Hoenir
who has never done anything useful for anyone ever
and Hoenir’s big plan is to just do what Odin did
except with seagulls instead of wheat
and feathers instead of grains
but here’s the problem with this plan:
BIRDS ARE BASICALLY AT MOUTH-HEIGHT FOR GIANTS
so Skrymir is just going through his morning routine
walking around swallowing pelicans
when the kid he’s looking for just ends up inside his mouth
(this is one of those “I swear it’s not what it looks like officer” situations)
at which point Hoenir is like okay that went bad
here kid, teleport back to me real quick
I’ll take you back to your parents

what i don’t get at this point
is if they can just teleport the kid whenever they want
why bother hiding him inside things that giants like to eat?
it’s like they’re charging by the hour or something
anyway then Hoenir dumps the kid with his parents
and is like there, problem solved
that will be six million gold, parts and labor

so Hoenir peaces out
thus once again failing to be at all useful
which is when the dude and his wife bust out plan Z
the plan you only enact if you want all your shit stolen
sold for a profit
stolen again
and then stacked in a big heap so horses can have sex on it
that’s right
THEY CALL LOKI
and Loki is like here is what I need you to do, dude:
first, build a boathouse with a wide door
then hang a metal club or spike or something over the door
and then leave the rest to me
I’ve got this like I’ve got horse-herpes

then Loki goes and pulls some Hoenir/Odin shit
but with fish and their eggs instead of wheat and birdhair
and then he invites Skrymir to come fishing with him
which is dumb, because Skrymir catches the fish the kid is hid in
and loki asks him for the fish
and he’s like no I’m going to find the kid in this fish
I know he’s in there
but then loki just has the kid get out of the fish egg
and stand behind him so the giant can’t see him
and when they land, the kid jumps out of the boat and starts running
and the giant chases him, but he’s way too fat to run on sand
so he sinks in
and the kid runs into the boathouse
and Skrymir follows
and just impales his face on that metal spike
or club
or whatever was in there
and then loki chops off his legs
except they grow back together
until loki stuffs a bunch of sticks and stones in there
and puts an end to that.
then Skrymir dies of legless
and the problem is ACTUALLY solved

So the moral of the story
is that sticks and stones may break your bones
but CHESS is really deadly

the end.

The Second-Rapiest Moon Story Ever

Posted on by
10

Here’s another story from the mystical ice-gauntlet of Angmagssalik
wait did I say mystical
I meant miserable
hey, here’s another fact about Angmagssalik
(known today as Tasiilaq, which is NO EASIER TO SPELL):
according to google, there is a hotel there where you can stay.
also according to google, there are no roads.
so uh
you take the good with the bad I guess

Now Friends,
if you’re anything like me
you’ve probably looked up at the moon at night
and thought to yourself
holy shit what is that thing
what is it doing there
aah aah aah
and maybe you’ve looked up at the sun and thought
aaaah I’m looking at the sun why did I think this would work
well friends
allow me to answer two of your three dumb questions
with this story:

The sun and the moon are siblings
the sun is a chick
and the moon is her brother
and every night the moon is like okay
I COULD climb all the way up into the sky
OR
I could climb all the way up on my SISTER
and get LAID.
This is a perfect plan
because since the moon is not in the sky
it is totally pitch black
and so the sun has no idea whose boner she is getting the benefit of

but eventually she gets curious
like you do when an invisible dude is balling you night after night
so her brilliant plan is to smear her hands with lamp oil
and then give her mysterious lover/rapist a sexy shoulder massage
so she can identify him in the morning
by how goddamn filthy he is

so this plan goes off without a hitch
until it hits the biggest hitch of all
which is that now the sun knows she has been doing the lap-clap with her bro
so she does the only reasonable thing:
she cuts off her left boob and throws it at him
like “HEY IF YOU LIKE ME SO MUCH WHY DON’T YOU EAT ME”
and her bro is like “Aw dammit sis
that sentence was RIFE with innuendo
and I DO like your boobs
but this is just the worst possible combination of all those sexy elements
like a diamond-studded handjob
or a peanut-butter and KY-jelly sandwich”
his sister doesn’t hear him though
because she has just taken a stick
dipped it in TRAIN OIL
and set it on fire
and now she is running into space

so rather than let his sister achieve escape velocity in peace
the moon decides to follow her example
except he is way less skilled with the train oil
so his torch goes out during the launch protocol
so he just keeps blowing on it
and sending off mad sparks
and those sparks are where STARS come from
(yeah that’s right kids
not only am I answering two of your dumb questions
I am giving you a BONUS answer
to a dumb question you DIDN’T EVEN ASK)
so that’s why the moon doesn’t shine so brightly
and also he has to go down to the earth sometimes to hunt seals
and meanwhile his sister is just chuggin’ through the cosmos
somehow being both hot and boobless

So the moral of the story
is you can hit up all the gloryholes you want
as long as you are willing to self-immolate
when you find out you’ve been blowing your bro

THE END

Imerasuguk is a Hungry Man

Posted on by
3

Today’s myth comes from here
and i only know about it thanks to manual labor powerhouse Megamax Hardwork
who mailed me the course reader from her Scandanavian 170 class
yeah guys
if you mail me books I will read them
get on that

So Imerasuguk is a dude who goes through wives like toilet paper
this is because he always kills and eats them
them and their children
yeah guys
Imerasuguk is basically a cannibalistic Bluebeard
living in a trackless winterhell in the middle of a giant, ironically named island
(seriously “Greenland?”
sometimes I feel bad when I’m playing Civilization
and I name one of my new cities something like “Pooptropolis” or “Weiner”
but then I remember how some real-ass jerks named the capital of snow and pain “Greenland”
and my self-doubt just melts away)

so let me explain how Imerasuguk handles his wives:
first of all he is trying to fatten them up ASAP
and his strategy for doing this
is to not allow them to drink water
which is not a good strategy I don’t think
unless he’s also making them drink lard or something
but the text does not mention any lard so I dunno
anyway then he goes out hunting all day
and if he doesn’t catch any meat
he comes home and catches his WIFE
and not in the sexy way
and then he goes back into town like
“Now I have again lost my wife”
and dudes straight GIVE HIM MORE WIVES
they are handing this ballsy cannibal their woman HAND OVER FIST
and he is then eating their hands and their fists

so one day Imerasuguk gets a new wife named Misana
and Misana is like a bonus catch because she comes with her little brother
so pretty soon Imerasuguk kills her brother and eats him
and he gives her some of the meat
which she wisely doesn’t eat
because she is too full from all the lard she’s been drinking
and then Imerasuguk leaves to go be shitty at hunting again
and Misana is like shiiiit
that’s where all his wives have been going

so she comes up with a plan
what she does is she takes a bunch of straw and fat
and wraps it in her anorak
which i thought was some kind of sweater
but I guess is some kind of sentient sweater-beast
because before she goes and hides in a hole
she tells it to scream when stabbed
and it’s like “sure no problem I’m a sweater”

then papa mcCannibal comes home
and he stabs that anorak all over
and the anorak is like “AAIIEEE OH GOD I’M A SWEATER”
and Imerasuguk is like HEY
THAT’S NOT WHAT MY WIFE WOULD SAY
YOU’RE NOT MY WIFE
YOU’RE A SWEATER
and the sweater is like yeah duh dude I already said that

so Misana is hiding in the walls
and Imerasuguk is stabbing the walls like in a horror movie or the Matrix
but he doesn’t find her so he’s like “Fuck this” and goes out looking for her
at which point she does what she should have done a while ago:
she fucking RUNS

so she’s running
and her husband hears her and starts chasing her
but Misana has a distinct advantage in this chase
which is that she is magical as fuck
so she sees a tree
and she’s like hey I’m down with trees
I think I’ll turn into a tree
and BAM
CHICK’S GOT MORE WOOD THAN A LUMBERJACK AT A CHIPPENDALE’S

after a while Imerasuguk comes up to the tree
and he tries stabbing it
and it hurts a little
but you don’t stab trees, guys
that’s just not what you do
so he goes back to his house to get an axe

and what does Misana do?
does she pull some weak-ass Daphne shit and stay a tree forever?
NO DOG
SHE TURNS HER ASS BACK INTO AN ASS AND STARTS RUNNING THAT ASS OFF
and Imerasuguk starts chasing her again
and right as he’s about to catch her she sees some seaweed
and she’s like hey
I’m down with seaweed
and BAM
CHICK IS ALL UP IN DEM WEEDS

so Imerasuguk can’t find her obviously
because he is looking for a chick and not some dumb weeds
so he goes home again
and Misana turns her ass BACK INTO AN ASS
AND STARTS RUNNING IT OFF
LIKE SHE’S ON A GOD DAMN PHOTOCOPIER AND SHE JUST GOT FIRED
but oh shit
looks like Imerasuguk is bout to catch up AGAIN
so she throws herself into a pit full of ravens and foxes
carefully maintained by one of her brothers for some stupid reason
and her plummeting body kills all the ravens and foxes
and her brothers come over like who the fuck ruined all my foxes and ravens
and Misana is like DUDES IT’S ME
MY HUSBAND IS TRYING TO EAT ME

so they hide her in their house
and Imerasuguk rolls in
all like
“Now I have again lost my wife”
and they’re like “Whatever dude, come join our drum circle
and by drum circle we mean ACCUSATION OF MURDER/CANNIBALISM”
and Misana jumps out of her hiding place like “I’M THE STAR WITNESS”
and Imerasuguk is like “YOU’RE AN ACCESSORY TO MUDRDER
YOU TOTALLY ATE YOUR BRO”
and she’s like “OBJECTION: NO I DIDN’T”
and then everyone’s like “ENOUGH COURTROOM DRAMA
LET’S WHIP IMERASUGUK UNTIL HE DIES”
and that’s pretty much what happens.

So the moral of the story
is I guess more of a diet tip
which is
never eat any animal that can shapeshift into plants
because then you might accidentally end up a vegetarian
and nobody wants that

THE END.

The Speckled Bull is Like The Speckled Band Except Not At All

Posted on by
7

Hey Ladies
(and dudes I GUESS)
Today’s myth comes from the noisy mind
of musical carpet-bomber Sonata A. Helicopter
(The A stands for Apocalypse)
it is called The Speckled Bull
and it is about the trouble with monogamy

okay so there’s this hot dude
(yes ladies, you asked and I listened)
and this dude is macking on a couple of babes
and these babes
are SISTERS
awwwwwwwww yeeeeeeaahhhh

but seeing as this myth was not filmed in the san fernando valley
it does not immediately devolve into a hot celtic threesome
instead it devolves into a hot celtic LOVE TRIANGLE
now with INFANTICIDE
because see the hot dude ends up marrying the younger sister
and the older sister has problems moving on
and also problems moving out, apparently
so when the prince is out hunting one day
(oh yeah the hot dude is a prince because duh)
and the younger sister has a baby all of a sudden
the older sister steals the baby
and throws it in the river

so this chick just drowned a baby
she needs a mighty good alibi
and that’s why when the prince comes home
and is like oh shit what happened
the older sister is like oh man
you married some kind of craaazy wife there
because instead of having a child
like you wanted
she had a kitten
it had to be destroyed
and the prince
who is basically the ancient celtic version
of the archetypal beer-commercial husband
is like well … if that’s what you think is best
then he goes and has sex with his traumatized wife again

so cut to a few weeks later
this younger (apparently mute) sister has ANOTHER baby
and the prince is STILL out hunting
so the evil sister
(because let’s face it
she’s definitely evil at this point
it’s not like you accidentally slip on a pebble and drown your nephew)
she takes the new baby
puts it in a box with some airholes
and throws THAT in the river
because that kinda shit NEVER COMES BACK TO BITE ANYONE IN THE ASS

then the prince comes home
and the evil sister is like whoah damn
remember how I said your wife was fucked up
well this time instead of having a baby or a kitten
she pooped out a PUPPY
IT HAD TO BE DESTROYED

okay now hold on
if I had a wife
and instead of having human children
that require shit like parenting and health insurance
she had adorable puppies and kittens
I would do everything in my power to hold onto that woman
and start some kind of adorable puppy mill/sex factory
but instead
what this beer-commercial prince does
is he authorizes this older sister to destroy his wife with magic
(because everyone in ireland has magic wands
that turn their sisters into green rocks)
then he marries a woman who has openly confessed to murdering puppies and kittens
DUDE YOUR BAD DECISIONS ARE SORT OF PILING UP OVER HERE

But remember that baby with the airholes?
of course you do
how could you not
that baby is the single remaining loose end in this tapestry of blood and failure
and he has just been caught by a fisherman because duh

so the fisherman is like sweet a baby
my wife loves these things
and he brings it home and his wife like flips her shit and tells everyone
and word gets back to the evil sister
and she knows that the baby everyone’s talking about is the river baby
because come on, where else do babies come from
so she goes over to the fisherman’s wife
while the fisherman is out fishing
and she’s like yo that baby isn’t yours
and the fisherman’s wife is like hey shut up, that’s way rude
and the sister is like look I know you stole this baby
it doesn’t matter how I know
what matters is that it is a changeling and it is evil
so you should give it to me
and the fisherman’s wife is like well, if that’s the only way
so the sister takes the baby
KILLS the baby
and buries it out in the yard
yes
for those keeping track at home
this raggedy ur-bitch has just murdered two babies
THREE TIMES

and that would have been the end of that
except someone forgot that ireland is composed ENTIRELY OF MAGIC
so where that baby is buried
a crazy tree grows
covered in all kinds of crazy fruit
and this speckled cow shows up and starts eating the fruit
yeah
it is an unusual cow
(i imagine it as being purple
but you can imagine it whatever color you want
because that is the magic of your imagination)
and then that cow starts shooting milk out everywhere
way too much milk
and when it runs out of milk it starts shooting out babies
or actually just one baby
which is weird cause no one even had sex with it
and this baby is a dude cow
and they can’t castrate him because he is just TOO ROWDY

so obviously the evil sister knows this cow is trouble
so she comes up with a plan to take it out
which is she bribes a doctor
and then slaughters a chicken and drinks its blood
like you do
and then when her idiot husband comes home she spits blood all over him
like OH SHIT I’M BLEEDING OUT MY MOUTH
THE ONLY CURE IS FOR YOU TO MURDER THAT BULL AND GIVE ME ITS HEART
and the prince is like but honey we can’t even cut off its balls
and the doctor is like dude
you have a choice between recruiting every dude in ireland
to kill this magic purple bull
or letting your puppy-murdering wife die of acute blood-itis
so the prince makes the obvious choice

OBVIOUSLY DUMB THAT IS
so these irish dudes try to lasso this bull
which responds by flying to china
where it joins a herd of tiny chinese cows
and scares the SHIT out of the populace

so the king of china hears about this weird bull
and his curiosity is straight PIQUED
so he tells everyone to get the fuck away from the bull
and he goes over there with his daughter
because see his daughter has a curse
like basically fifty percent of the characters in this story
the curse is that if she looks at any dude other than her dad
she has to marry that dude
so the king shows her this bull
and she’s like fuck dad
what is wrong with you
now I have to marry this hot prince you just showed me
and the king is like what hot prince
but then he touches his daughter’s shoulder
and sees that the BULL is actually a MEGA-HOT PRINCE
THAT’S RIGHT LADIES
HOT PRINCES COMIN’ OUT OF LIVESTOCK UP IN HERE

so the princess has blown her load as far as her curse is concerned
so she figures she should help the prince blow his load
by marrying him
but that only half-undoes the curse
which means she has to decide whether he will be a bull by day and a man by night
or a man by day and a bull by night.
the princess chooses man by night
OBVIOUSLY
cause she’s not a weird bovinophile like SOME PEOPLE
and they carry on like this for a while
until the prince starts to get pretty sleep deprived
and they decide they have to find a more permanent solution

luckily the king of china has a druid who knows everything
less luckily, the druid only tells him shit once every seven years
to avoid prophecy overload
you know like
today you are going to trip on your shoe and your soda will be flat and etc.
but LUCKILY
today is the day the druid answers all the questions
so the king is like yo how do I fix my son-in-law
and the druid is like oh that’s simple
just tell the prince to start a fight in bull form
and then his horn will get broken off
and you need to go get it
and there will be a single drop of liquid inside
and then you put that in a flask
and go to the other side of the field and hold out a red flag
and the bull will charge you
and then you throw the liquid into the exact center of his ead
and he will turn into a dude forever!

… so the king does that
and then the prince is like dude thanks!
time to go make my mom not be a green rock anymore!
(oh yeah
in case it wasn’t clear
the prince in the bull was the baby from the box who got killed
and then turned into a fruit tree
and then got eaten by a cow and then born as a bull
I don’t know why that wouldn’t be clear though)

so he goes back home and they’re having some kind of party
and he shows up in disguise
by which I mean, not looking like a bull
and everyone is telling stories
and he’s like hey I know a story
it’s about how one time my aunt tried to kill me THREE TIMES
and then I was some fruit and a cow and some other stuff
and isn’t that fucked up?
(except he changes everyone’s names to protect the innocent
but the evil sister STILL knows who he’s talking about)
then he’s like hey party people
if you had to punish that bitch sister
what would you do to her?
and everyone has different ideas
so finally he asks the bitch sister herself
and this is her chance to totally get away scott free
so of course she says
“I would tie her to a chimney naked
with no food or water except what blows in on the breeze”
and uh
that’s what they do to her
then the prince makes his mom not be a rock anymore
and he goes back to china with his princess
and no one ever speaks of his dumb dad ever again

so the moral of the story
is if at first you don’t succeed
try try again
unless what you’re trying is infanticide
in which case maybe just leave well enough alone

THE END.