Melkor is Way Too Convincing

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WELL WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT
IT’S WEDNESDAY AGAIN ALREADY

in another time/place
wednesday would have been a day for thinking and talking about Odin
but the time is today
and the place is the motherfucking internet
so instead we will be discussing a best-selling fantasy kingdom
invented by a professional pothead
HOW AM I DOING TOLKIEN ARE YOU ROLLING IN YOUR GRAVE YET?
LET ME KNOW OK I’M ON TWITTER

so all the elves are chilling in Valinor
I told you about this already
I think I also told you about the big cheese in elf-land
the one named Finwe
but I definitely didn’t tell you about his son
so here goes:

Finwe is married to this chick Miriel
Miriel is awesome
she has this magical power
where she can get pregnant
(no that’s not the magical power guys
i’m not finished with my sentence yet
i know I don’t use a lot of punctuation
and i know childbirth is magical like friendship and the moon and shit
but Miriel is legit magical
like for real
and I don’t want you bringing this story down with your fucking assumptions
oh shit this parenthetical kinda got away from me lemme start over)
basically what Miriel does is she gets pregnant
and then she takes all the womb-power you would normally use for three kids
and she uses it all on ONE KID
and what’s even more amazing
is that the kid that comes hurtling out of her stomach cavity doesn’t even have like
three heads or eighteen thumbs or some nonsense
he’s just a normal dude
(i mean elf)
who is as badass as THREE DUDES
(elves)
His name is Curufinwe
but that is too much even for Tolkein
so he gets renamed to Feanor pretty quick

Feanor is probably the most awesome dude we’ve met so far
he pretty much spends all his time
either exploring the countryside from coast to coast or inventing telescopes
which basically makes him like a combination of Lewis and Clark plus Galileo
NONE OF WHOM WERE VERY GOOD HUSBANDS AS FAR AS I KNOW
which is why when Feanor gets married
to the unfortunately named Nerdanel
it takes all of fifteen minutes for her to get sick of his wild ways
and for them to become estranged
actually I exaggerated
it probably takes more than 15 minutes
it takes however long it takes to have seven kids
because that’s how many kids they have
so I guess they get along okay
but basically the problem is that Nerdanel is really chill
and Feanor is about as chill as a bottle of beer at the center of the sun
he’s hot-headed, basically
and that is why he has a DARK FATE

but we’ll talk about feanor’s dark fate later
right now let’s talk about the dark fate OF THE ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD
aka Melkor
remember how I said Melkor came up for parole in three ages?
Well no one remembers how long an age is, but they figure it’s been long enough
so they drag him out of the pit of despair and they’re like hey
give us one good reason not to put you back in the pit of despair
and he’s like BECAUSE I’M TOTALLY A GOOD GUY NOW
and Manwe is like OH MY
HOW TRUSTWORTHY YOU HAVE BECOME IN YOUR CAPTIVITY
HERE, HAVE FREEDOM
so the Valar put Melkor under house arrest basically
and he behaves himself SO WELL
giving everyone presents and relationship advice and shit
that they finally decide to release him completely

of course he’s still an asshole
we’ve been hearing about what a perpetual asshole he is for like a hundred pages now
but they’ve got to release him you see
because otherwise there would not be a book

what does this have to do with Feanor, you ask?
Well, not much honestly
mainly they’re just in the same chapter
but one thing that is important
is that later on
when all the bad stuff happens that I’m going to tell you about later
Melkor is like “Guys, I totally taught Feanor all his cool shit
he totally ripped off all my cool ideas”
but everyone knows he’s full of shit
because out of everyone who hates Melkor
Feanor is the hateiest
and like I kinda already said
and like you will see later on
he is a dude who is good at hate

so I guess the moral of the story
is that you need to not release pyromaniacal sociopaths
based solely on their own testimony
because pyromaniacs are very convincing people, my friends
convincing, handsome people
hey does anyone have a house they’re not really using?
no reason.

The end.

The Daughter of the Sun is HOT

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Sup guys

Haven’t done a native american myth in a while
and this one comes with a rather lengthy introduction
so if you want to you can click here to skip to the story
anyway:

I have been thinking today
(I have done other things besides thinking, just to be clear
I have eaten food and taken dumps and stuff)
I have been thinking because this very insightful lady
posted a very insightful review of this website you are reading
and one of the critiques levied in this review
is that my mythology site
telling the myths I tell, in the particular way I tell them
runs the risk of cultural appropriation
(because I do things like lump all of africa into a single category
and call the lord of the chinese underworld “Chinese Satan.)
and also that I have an unfortunate tendency to slut-shame

Okay so
I’m a middle class cis white dude living in america
I am speedrunning life on basically the lowest difficulty setting there is
and with that difficulty setting comes the power
to offend a billion different kinds of people in a billion different unintentional ways
I mean shit
I didn’t even know what “slut-shaming” meant until a couple months ago
I could pretty much spend my whole life being a total dick and NEVER KNOW
if I didn’t have the internet

The point being
that I know there is this idea in humor
where if a joke offends you you should suck it up because fuck you
but you/I need to face the possibility
that I may be offending you because I have NO IDEA I’M BEING OFFENSIVE
I NEED TO BE TOLD
I am acting in good faith here
I like to think I have gotten more judicious with my words
and that I’m helping to spread knowledge and good times
and not prejudice and bullshit
so I really appreciate
when people let me know where my problems are at.

ANYWAY HERE’S A STORY ABOUT FRIENDZONE BOOBS

this story comes courtesy of the Tlingit people of the Pacific Northwest
mostly they hang out in Alaska
but not on reservations like most of the native dudes we fucked over
these dudes are majority shareholders in a corporation called Sealaska
with its tendrils all up in the lumber and injection-molded plastics businesses
and this corporation has purchased huge tracts of land for these dudes to live on

yeah i know
it sort of sounds like a sci-fi plot to me too
but this is what happens when you have a whole secret other america
populated by dudes and ladies who have spent LITERAL GENERATIONS
figuring out lifehacks for not getting totally buried under guns and hamburger wrappers
AND DESPITE THAT MONUMENAL TASK
these dudes have still found time to tell them some stories
so without further ado
ladies and gentlemen
I give you
the one and only
story by the Tlingit people of the Pacific northwest
entitled
summarily
…

THE DAUGHTER OF THE SUN
SHIT YEAH

oh man sorry guys
I am going to have to tease all your cocks a little more
because the daughter of the sun doesn’t show up until the end of the story
and right now we are at the beginning
and at the beginning everybody sucks.

There’s this dude Sun Cloud
he has a cousin named Snow Flower
and being that this is a myth
he is of course all over that shit like zeus on cows
or cows on cows
or cows on your wife
but enough about cows

the problem for Sun Cloud is that Snow Flower is an even bigger cocktease than I am
I do not say this lightly my friends
I am like a fucking snakecharmer for cock
but this girl teases cock like a gradeschool bully in a men’s locker room
Sun Cloud’s all like “Hey girl wanna catch a movie?”
And Snow Flower’s like “Only if you do a million pushups and punch a bear in the nuts”
and then he goes and does those things
and comes back all sweaty and mutilated like “Okay, tits please”
and she’s just like “Hm.
Nah.”

So naturally Sun Cloud gets a little peeved
and the next time Snow Flower tells him to go out and do some ridiculous shit
he’s like “Look
I totally see what you’re doing and it is not going to fly”
and Snow Flower is like “Aw but if you just do one more thing I’ll totes slip you some tongue”
and Sun Cloud is like “OKAY SOUNDS PLAUSIBLE
WHAT SHALL I DO?”
and she’s like “Just get your hair cut, that’s all”
and Sun Cloud is like “Holy shit, that’s all?”

But then he remembers
that in his village
the only people with short hair are the SLAVES
and facial recognition is nobody’s strong suit
so naturally Sun Cloud is faced with a quandary
make himself indistinguishable from a SLAVE
or give up on trying to bone his cousin

…GUESS WHICH ONE HE CHOOSES
and the kicker is that he goes back over to her place
like “Hey I got rid of all my hair
so now it won’t get tangled in our mouths when we smooch
your hair will still probably do that though
so like, tie it back maybe?”
and Snow Flower is like “I AIN’T TYIN’ BACK SHIT
AND YOU BEST STEP BACK
CAUSE AIN’T NO WAY I’M HOOKING UP WITH A SLAVE”
so that’s a pretty decisive “no,” i think.

Obviously this does not make Sun Cloud happy
so he’s moping his way back home
when an old woman pops out of her house like DUDE
WHY YOU LOOK SO SAD
and he tells her EVERYTHING
LITERALLY EVERYTHING I JUST TOLD YOU
minus a lot of the swears
and most of the good similes
and that long preamble at the beginning
but like, all the important parts
and the old woman is like CONGRATULATIONS
BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T LEAVE ANYTHING OUT OF YOUR STORY
YOU GET TO MARRY THE DAUGHTER OF THE SUN
SHE’S STRAIGHT DOWN THAT ROAD OVER THERE, AT THE TOP OF THAT MOUNTAIN
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PICK THE RIGHT ONE
so of course Sun Cloud believes her
because remember
this is the dude who believed his untouchable cousin would marry him
if he just punched enough bears and got a haircut

So he follows the road
and he stops at the bottom of the mountain and he’s like man
I’m too scared to climb this mountain
but then he remembers that at the top of the mountain there are boobies
so he SUCKS IT UP
and at the top the gods are like CONGRATULATIONS SUN CLOUD
YOU HAVE REACHED THE TOP OF HOT CHICK MOUNTAIN
NOW IT’S TIME TO PLAY EVERYONE’S FAVORITE GAME:
WHICH OF THESE HOT CHICKS IS THE DAUGHTER OF THE SUN?
And there’s three hot chicks
so of course Sun Cloud picks the third one
because that’s how stories work
and he’s totally right and she’s like the sexiest ever
but also she’s just sort of a good person
and that is a rare thing in this world my friends
so Sun Cloud counts himself lucky to have found her
and meanwhile time passes and Snow Flower’s boobs get all saggy
and she doesn’t really have much else going for her so she dies cold and alone
while Sun Cloud and Sun Lady get to be president or something

So the moral of the story
is I know we’ve all done our time in the friendzone
believing with all of our shriveled black hearts
that if we just act real nice and bring lots of presents
we will eventually get to come out of the friend zone
and into what I like to call THE SEX ZONE
but that’s unrealistic guys, that just doesn’t happen
what DOES happen
is you tell your problems to a crazy old woman
and then you get to marry the SUN

the end

The Elves Are Not Masters of Logistics

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SO WHEN LAST WE LEFT OUR HEROES
(and by heroes I mean elves
who are like the least heroic type of fantasy humanoid
seriously I’m trying to think of ONE TIME
when elves are something other than supporting characters
in someone else’s rad adventure)
they all got invited to a party in orgyland
and they were repeatedly fucking up trying to get there
dudes were all wandering off
or getting lost
getting eaten by wolves
or just saying “fuck it” cause of too many mountains
but eventually they get to Valinor!

…I mean some of them do
Like I said there’s basically three kinds of elves
the high elves make it to Valinor just fine
and so do the deep elves
but the swimmy elves…
well…

okay so there’s this guy Elwe
he’s the king of the Teleri, aka the swimmy elves
and all the elves (high, deep, swimmy) are chilling on the beach
waiting for Ulmo to haul over a gigantic island
to use as a boat
to cruise to Valinor
so there’s some time to kill, obviously
and Elwe is fucking slaughtering it
by wandering around in the nearby forest

this is fine
this is what elves are supposed to do

here’s where shit goes south, though
(or rather, where shit fails to go north)
because Elwe is wandering the woods one day
when he runs across
a b-b-b-b-b-b-b-BABE
I am not talking about a babe: pig in the city type of babe
or a from-the-mouths-of-babes type of babe
(although she does have a pretty mouth)
this is a ten point
double-d
triple-a
36-24-36
HOT-TAY
she has all the best numbers you can have as a woman is what I’m saying
and not only that
but this babe in the woods has her some PIPES
she is singing so good
Elwe isn’t sure for a second whether he should start making out with her
because then she might have to stop singing
but then he figures she can probably just hum
and that’s good enough

so they start mackin’
and they DO NOT STOP
they continue macking FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR
meanwhile Ulmo shows up at the beach with that island cruise boat
and everybody gets on
except the swimmy elves
cause they kinda don’t know where their king is
so they don’t want to leave without him
he hasn’t called or emailed or anything
he’s being a really terrible king if you think about it
but the High elves and the Deep elves really can’t wait to get to orgyland
so they leave on the island boat and the swimmy elves stay behind
and a couple months later Elwe walks out of the woods
flanked by this smokin’ goddess Melian and afterglowing like crazy
and everyone is like DUDE WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
and he’s like
BALLIN’
and they totally understand

which is great, but now they’re stuck on the beach
it’s not that bad though, cause it’s a beach
and this dude Osse shows up and teaches them all kinds of cool shit
and in fact when Ulmo finally comes back with the island boat
they kinda don’t want to leave
and some of them stay behind
and the rest of them end up anchoring the island boat way off the coast of Valinor
so they can keep chilling with Osse, who is apparently tight
but eventually they miss their bros and move to Valinor
just in time for the Deep elves to get bored of Valinor
and go back to middle earth

so the moral of the story
is if you are moving your entire race all the way across the known world
invest in some fucking cell phones

THE END.

Bodies are Gross

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So some lady named Mandar Sharkfist accused me of not having any Aesop’s fables
And while that is a total lie
she did link me to a really good one
so that’s what I’m doing today.

So there’s this complaining sack of organs, right?
All your favorite organs are there
there’s hands and teeth and brain and belly
even your old pal scrotum
it is a party my friends let me tell you
it is a very particular kind of party
the kind of party that is called
BEING A FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BODY

but not too functional my friends
oh no no no NO
because much like our old friends the mouse the bird and the sausage
these squishy giblets are suffering from LOW JOB SATISFACTION
everyone is like what the fuck
we have to work our fingers to the bone
or our livers to the bone
or our boners to the um
and meanwhile belly gets to hang out down there
eating all the delicious food and not boning ANYTHING
THIS MUST BE STOPPED
so all these dumb fleshy problem machines decide to fix this
with the magic of collective bargaining

so first the hands stop grabbing food
which means the teeth have nothing to chew
and the scrotum just keeps right on truckin
because there is no way for a scrotum to be more of a nuisance to the body
beyond just continuing to be a functioning scrotum.
basically it all adds up to one comatose body
with an admirably supple ballsack

so yeah, everyone dies
because it turns out you need food to live
and everyone was so focused on fucking over belly
that they forgot to not be stupid
which might not have been helped by the fact that brain went on strike too
then the whole body rots away
or maybe ends up in the belly of something less dumb
and the whole time no one considered going on strike against tongue
even though it gets to taste food AND touch vaginas

so the moral of the story
is that unions are doomed.

THE END.

The War Against Melkor is a Lot Like World War Two

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Yes friends, it is silmarillion time again
I am running out of space in my brain for all these names
yesterday I tried to order tea at a coffee shop
and ended up asking for a double Elothlulien with extra Llalloc and a B’bjrggk
It’s been a tough week is what I’m saying
ANYWAY:

When last we left our heroes they were chilling in this sweet kingdom they made
as far away as divinely possible
from the firey hatefuck Melkor was laying down all over middle earth
but all good things must come to an end
and while the Valinor DO come into plenty of ends during their eons-long orgy
eventually they have to sit up and handle shit
because the elves are coming over and Middle Earth is a total mess
this is like when you keep putting off cleaning your room
and then you have a sexy guy/girl/salamander (i don’t know what you like) over for dinner
and you are like fuck shit
I need to get all these gerbil carcasses out of my carpet
how did all these gerbil carcasses even get here
I guess I didn’t notice them under all the cold pizza and fingernails I have lying around
so yeah
the Valinor have to finally clean up

They try to put it off for a while
like people keep being like Guys, guys
Melkor is basically just pooping all over that nice world we made
and his poop is like made out of lava
because of how hardcore he is
and I know lava poop eventually hardens
but it’s still poop
and it’s still lava
and that’s gross and dangerous and we should stop it
but Manwe just keeps being like GUYS
I KNOW THE ELVES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE COMING OVER SOME TIME THIS AGE
BUT LIKE
…
WHATEVER
WE’LL DEAL WITH IT LATER
then the elves show up and everyone is totally unprepared.

i guess I should explain how the elves get to Middle Earth
OH WAIT
CAN’T
BECAUSE TOLKIEN DOESN’T EXPLAIN EITHER
they just show up one day
totally out of nowhere
and in fact the Valar don’t even know about it until like months later
when that hunter dude Orome is riding around
and happens to run into some of them
and the elves are all like FUUUUUUCK
cause Melkor has been killing them off for a WHILE now
and like stealing their babies and turning them into orcs
and telling them Orome did it
so they’re like pretty afraid
but they aren’t super afraid because Orome is too handsome to fear

So orome goes back to the Valinor
like dudes
the elves are totally already here
we need to do something about all those gerbil carcasses Melkor’s been throwing everywhere
and the gods are all like shit you’re right
TIME FOR WAR.

The elves have no idea what’s going on by the way
one day they meet this dude Orome
and he chills with them for a bit
then all of a sudden
like a HUNDRED PISSED OFF GODS are stomping across their lawns
on their way to a war with some dude they’ve never heard of
so yeah, that happens

I mean it’s a big war and it’s super crazy and blah blah blah
Melkor has dug all these big holes in the ground
and he is in charge of one of them
and this dude named Sauron is in charge of the other one
and they put up a pretty good fight
but eventually the Valar just dump a bunch of asbestos and bees down those holes
and Melkor has to give up and get arrested
Sauron escapes though
they need him for the sequel

Okay so they drag Melkor back to orgyville
which is what I am calling the Valar’s home base cause I don’t remember the real name
and Melkor is like dudes, don’t imprison me
and Manwe is like NUP
TOTALLY IMPRISONING YOU
for THREE WHOLE AGES
then you get a parole hearing.

Okay here’s what I’m wondering
how long is an age?
Everyone’s always talking about ages
like they know exactly how long one is
but like
sometimes waiting for the bus feels like an age
and sometimes people are very young ages
like twelve or sperm
it is not a good system.

anyway they throw him in jail
then they are like fuck
we can’t have the elves just wandering around in middle earth
even though that’s the whole point of elves
we need to bring them all to our place
and lock them up real tight so they can’t fall in holes or step in poop lava
Orome, go tell them we’ve decided this for them

so Orome goes to elftowne and he’s like guys
come live in our scary crystal god palace and have orgies forever
and some of the elves are like SWEET
but some of the elves are like NAW
and then on the way to orgyland a bunch more elves get lost
and some wander off on purpose
because they don’t want to have to climb any more mountains
or go in any more caves
The elves split up into a bunch of clubs, based on what they like
there are the swimmy elves, the ones who like the ocean
and there are the high elves, who don’t get much done
and there are the deep elves, which is what the high elves THINK they are
and then there’s the Other Elves
who are all the ones who didn’t make it to orgy land and have to keep dealing with reality
bummer.

So the moral of the story
is maybe try cleaning your room a little bit every day
so you don’t have to fight an epic war against your dirty socks
every time you have company.

THE END.

J is for Jackal, and Also Jerkass

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[hey go click that button over there and buy my book]
[over there] —————————————->

So today’s myth was lovingly hand-translated for me
by this guy
who is some kind of language wizard I think so don’t fuck with him
It is a berber myth
which means it comes from ancient Berbaria
which is actually not called that
and is not exactly a place
and is really just a bunch of dudes in North Africa who speak a language
whatever
it’s about what would happen if someone told Loki he could be whatever animal he wanted

okay so there’s this Jackal and he is FAMISHED
his stomach is emptier than my shriveled black heart
you could drop a quarter down his gullet and never hear it hit bottom
and he wouldn’t even grant you any wishes
because in addition to being hungry
he is also a huge asshole
with no powers more magical than the ability to speak and start shit

so this Jackal is walking along and he sees a lion
and he’s like “Yo man does your face hurt?”
(preparing to lay down some sick burns on this chump)
but the lion totally ruins the joke by saying “Yes actually
my face hurts real bad
mainly my eyes”
So the Jackal is like DUDE
sounds like you’ve got a serious case of leonine glaucoma
what you need
is some MEDICINE
and out here in the middle of the fucking desert
the best kind of medicine we have is hyena hearts
because weed has not yet been invented
hold on, I’ll be right back.

So the jackal goes out and finds a hyena
(PS: Hyena is apparently a dirty word in Berberese
because every time anyone says it they feel the need to apologize
Someone needs to teach these dudes how to say crusty ballsack or something
are you reading this, mister language wizard?
can you teach me how to say crusty ballsack in Berber?
For research, obviously.)
anyway the jackal is like YO HYENA MY MAN
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR FOOT?
(Jackal is not known for his tact)
And Hyena is like man I sprained it doing backflips and shit
I don’t know, what do hyenas do?
anyway I need a doctor
(Holy shit this desert is just chock full of miserable animals)
and Jackal is like YOU’RE IN LUCK MY FRIEND
FOLLOW ME
And Hyena follows him
like an idiot

three hours later Hyena and Jackal arrive at Lion’s place
and Jackal is like alright man
here’s the doctor
and Hyena is like I don’t know
that looks less like a doctor and more like one of my natural predators
and the Jackal is like dude
DUDE
we live in the middle of a fucking DESERT
the best medicine we have is Hyena hearts
and the best doctors we have are lions
and the Hyena is like what was that about hyena hearts
and Jackal is like NOTHING SHUT UP
IT’S GOING TO BE FINE
HE TOOK THE HIPPOCRITIC OATH OR WHATEVER
and Hyena is like okay, I guess I’ll trust you
and he goes over to the lion
and the lion hits him on the head with a shovel and kills him
just like bam
and Jackal is like okay Lion
you go over there for a minute
I’ll just cut this dude up for you right quick
and then he does
but before the lion gets back
Jackal EATS THE FUCKING HEART HIMSELF
holy shit man
the one fucking part of the body you promised to the lion
and that is the part you eat
I thought this guy was being clever
convincing the lion to just take a small part of a big meaty corpse
but no
just being an asshole
all across the desert
yup.

Oh, consequences?
You want to hear about the consequences?
There are none.
No consequences at all for jackal.
What, you thought this story was going to have a moral or something?
Well it does
it’s this:
you wanna make an assload of money fast?
fuck impersonating a doctor
impersonate an insurance agent.

THE END.

Aule and Yavanna Have a Passive Agressive Relationship

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YES
WELCOME TO WEDNESDAY
WHERE TOLKIEN IS GOD AND SHIT DON’T MAKE SENSE
TODAY I AM GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT EVERYONE’S FAVORITE GOLDFUCKING MONSTROSITIES
THE DWARVES!!!
oh jesus that’s where the capslock key is thank god
i mean thank Tolkien?

okay so Aule right
he’s the rock god responsible for mountains and gold and chainsaws
basically all of the sweetest things are a direct consequence of this dude
and he’s sitting inside a mountain like FUCK
I have all of these completely legit skills I have totally mastered
and NO ONE TO TEACH THEM TOO
and the children of Iluvatar
meaning: the humans and the elves
aren’t supposed to get here for like EVER
SIGHHHHHHHHHHH

BUT WAIT
I’m really good at making stuff, right?
why don’t I just make some dudes
oh man this is gonna be so awesome
so he sits down and his forge
and he INVENTS DWARVES
but see
his memory is a little hazy on what people are supposed to look like
so he ends up abandoning most of the positive traits of the other two species
and replacing them all with BEARDS
and they’re all so weird-looking and sturdy and shit
that he figures he should probably give them a gold fetish
so they won’t be so bummed about how they have to have sex with each other
but so he’s putting the finishing touches on these things
when Iluvatar shows up like AULE WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE
and Aule is like UH DEFINITELY NOT CREATING A SENTIENT SPECIES
and Iluvatar is like dude that looks like exactly what you are doing
and Aule is like fuck dude i’m sorry i got bored
look I’ll smash them all right now with a huge hammer
and all the dwarves are like DUDE NO NOT COOL
and Iluvatar is like look what you did
you gave them feelings and shit
we can’t kill them now, that would be totally lame
… alright
i guess you can keep them
but they have to go in cryo-freeze until the other races show up
because i have spent countless milennia planning this whole thing
and you are NOT going to fuck it up with your army of gifted midgets
and Aule is like okay I GUESS

so all the dwarves go to sleep
(and when I say all I mean seven)
and Aule’s wife Yavanna comes over like hey
heard you were making some dwarves
why didn’t you tell me?
I’m your wife
communication is key to a healthy relationship
plus now
since you kept them a secret the whole time you were making them
I didn’t get any input on them at all
which means they’re not going to be down with nature like AT ALL
I can already tell that they are gonna straight mutilate all my beautiful trees
and then set them on fire and laugh about it
and Aule is like well yeah
I mean
so are the humans
dudes need firewood, woman
it’s nice that you made so much of it
but uh
try not to get attached
and Yavanna is like THAT’S BULLSHIT
but it’s ok
cause i just had a great idea
which is that I’m going to make some trees that have FEELINGS
and not just feelings
but feelings and WEAPONS
and those trees are going to be able to stand up and kick ass at will
and Aule is like whoa that sounds SWEET
and Iluvatar
who has been dropping mad eaves because that’s what he do
is like AULE IS RIGHT
THAT SOUNDS
THE SWEETEST
WE ARE SO TOTALLY MAKING THOSE
so they invent ents
by just stuffing a bunch of souls in some trees
and then Yavanna goes to Aule’s forge
and she’s like ha HA
the trees have souls now
they’re totally gonna romp anyone who tries to chop them down
and Aule’s like yeah that’s great honey
people are still gonna need firewood though
so uh
good luck with that
and then he just goes right back to inventing chainsaws

so the moral of the story
is if you find yourself having to remake the fabric of the world itself
just to keep your spouse from destroying everything you believe in
well
that’s why Iluvatar invented divorce

THE END.(?)

The Pied Piper is the Reason You Always Pay Your Contractors

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Yo:
Silmarillion Wednesday
today, fairytales
i am trying to establish a pattern here guys how’s it working

OKAY SO TODAY
I’m going to tell you a tale I can’t believe i haven’t told you yet
it was suggested to me by self-proclaimed erotic queen, Elizabeth Sexx
and it is about proper labor practices

okay so there’s this village called Hamelin
it is in germany
and rats travel there from all around
probably because it’s got ham RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME
but it’s okay
because the cats pretty much have that shit on lock.

UNTIL THEY DON’T
yeah suddenly the rat population just SEXTUPLES
probably because of sex-tupples
which is a term i just made up
but I’m like a thousand percent sure you already know what it means.
anyway all the cats DIE
and all the food DIES
i mean gets eaten
and then the rats are out of food to eat
so they just start eating anything that is not either tied down or on fire
and then they eat the tied down and on fire things too
pretty much the only things they don’t eat are bullets and swords
which would be kinda ideal
if bullets and swords did anything against “a black sea of rats”

wow.
so the whole town goes down to city hall
and they’re like dude, mayor, fix this shit
and the mayor is like what do you want me to do
bullets and swords don’t work
all our cats have died of terror/shame
we don’t have enough food left to poison
things are NOT LOOKING GOOD MY FRIENDS

but then
this dude throws open the door of town hall
scattering like a hundred rats
and then like a thousand rats are dislodged from the ceiling
it is like a big rat party
with a rat pinata full of rat confetti and more rats
and the mayor is like WHO INVITED YOU TO THE RAT PARTY
and the stranger is like I INVITED MYSELF
I AM THE PIED PIPER, AND CRASHING RAD PARTIES IS WHAT I DO
and the mayor is like NO DUDE YOU MISHEARD ME
I SAID RAT PARTY NOT RAD PARTY
and the pied piper is like OH
WELL IN THAT CASE I HAVE A FEE FOR EJECTING THE RATS FROM YOUR PARTY:
A THOUSAND BUCKS
and the mayor is like dude
a THOUSAND?
I will give you fifty thousands of bucks
just get all these fucking rats out the village
and the piper is like DEAL

so everyone goes to bed in their seething beds of rats
and early in the morning
the pied piper runs through the village, soloing on his pipes
and all the rats are like HOLY SHIT
WHAT A RAT SOLO
I MEAN RAD*
and they all swarm out from everywhere to stage rush the piper
who leads them all out of town
and into a river
where they all drown.
BOOM.

okay, so awesome
the rats are gone, and the piper gets $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
right?
WRONG
because the mayor takes this opportunity to execute the time-tested strategy of kings everywhere
NOT
PAYIN
FOR SHIT
seriously why are kings such cheap assholes??
anyway the pied piper is like ok bro you are going to regret that
and he leaves
and everyone is like oh fuck dude what did you do
and the mayor is like uh
I just got rid of all our rats
FOR FUCKING FREE
what does it look like?
and they’re like it looks like you pissed off someone who is probably a wizard
FOR FUCKING FREE
and the mayor is like yeah well everyone has an opinion

so that night
while everyone is sleeping
the pied piper rolls back through town
(by the by
why the fuck is he the “pied” piper?
I don’t see him passing out any pies
or getting into any fights with clowns
or even being slightly delicious
dude plays tunes for rats
he needs to fix his damn name
although who wants to be groupies for The Rat Piper I guess)
anyway he’s rolling through town
playing his tunes
and everyone is so relived cause of no more rats
that they don’t notice when their children all turn into zombies and sneak out the house
to follow these sick tunes
and the piper leads all the children out of town
through a door he opens up in a mountain
and then he closes it behind all of them
and the only one who escapes is a little gimpy kid
because he was too slow to get inside before the door closed
so he tells everyone and everyone is sad
but hey, no more rats!
and at least it was free, right?
right?

Okay so the moral of the story
is break your children’s legs
all the legs
it will help keep them from being kidnapped by wizards

the end

Melkor Knocks Some Shit Over

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Hey guys
welcome back to JRR Tolkien’s answer to fun: THE SILMARILLION
Seriously
by the time you get three books into this
every paragraph is like fifty percent proper nouns
like I know you’re a linguist dude
I get it
I read about it on wikipedia
that does not mean you have to give everything THREE NAMES
DUDE DO YOU REALIZE
IF EACH THING HAS THREE NAMES
THERE ARE GOING TO BE THREE TIMES AS MANY NAMES AS THERE ARE THINGS
WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO PUT ALL THOSE THINGS DUDE
YOU ARE GOING TO NEED A WHOLE OTHER UNIVERSE
AND THAT UNIVERSE
IS GONNA NEED ABOUT THREE MORE NAMES

maybe it gets better, i dunno
you’re getting my gut reaction on this
which i am honestly playing up a little for comedic effect
shit i just ruined it

ANYWAY
last time I kinda glossed over the part about how the world got made
and this time I am not going to make that same mistake
so let’s see…
yeah so Ulmo is king of the water
he makes all the water stuff happen
and he’s sort of a loner
this is because of the fourteen major gods that have chosen to reside on earth
twelve of them are married
and the remaining two are Ulmo, god of water
and Nienna, goddess of CEASELESS WEEPING
and even the god of the ocean can have enough saltwater, you know?
anyway he’s not important at all to this story
because his job is pretty much to lay low
and make sure nothing catches fire permanently

speaking of fire
let’s talk about that dickhead Melkor again
he’s just arrived on earth
and he’s real pissed because of the sweet gems this dude Aule is making
he’s real pissed because out of all the gods
Melkor’s powers are most similar to Aule’s
Melkor’s being heavy metal
and Aule’s being, of course, hard rock
so Melkor starts tearing up all of Aule’s shit
and Aule is building it back up as best he can
when along comes this dude Tulkas
whose WHOLE JOB
is just to wreck Melkor’s shit whenever Melkor shows up
so he does that
pretty much singlehandedly
and Melkor runs away and hides in space

so everyone’s like sweet! Awesome!
now that we don’t have to worry about everything exploding
let’s pimp out this rad planet we got
so they start jamming out hardcore
this hippie chick Yavanna starts making all these plants and shit
Aule is stacking up sweet hills like geology tetris
and they put these two huge spotlights on giant pillars to illuminate everything.
they are making excellent progress
and in no time at all, everything is basically as sick as it can possibly be
but like, the good meaning of sick
the bad one comes later
i am sorry for the confusion, but i was running out of synonyms for “sweet”

with that finished, the gods shift their prime directive
to the time-tested pastime of gods everywhere:
PARTYING
HEARTILY
so they all head over to this giant feast at Manwe’s and Varda’s place
(Manwe being king of the gods, and Varda being the queen)
and they are all chowing down and having a great time
and Tulkas (who has been fighting Melkor pretty much nonstop for like a week)
and Yavanna (who has been making plants pretty much nonstop for like a week
and is also pretty stoned)
both crash on the couch
for some well deserved rest
and it is THIS MOMENT that Melkor chooses to strike.
Seriously
when we the last time you heard about a celestial hoedown
that was not interrupted by some sort of cataclysmic party-foul?
(I was going to link to another myth there too
a Sumerian one about the origin of fetal alcohol syndrome
but then i realized it is only available in my book
coming March 5th!)

But Melkor doesn’t try to crash the party
no, he’s to crafty for that
instead he takes all his dudes
(cause he has dudes apparently)
and he has them all burrow under the ground way up to the north
and they make a huge fortress there
then he changes his name to Morgoth
because Melkor was not evil-sounding enough?
also he knocks over the pillars with the big spotlights on them
and the spotlights are not properly secured
so they fall over and light everything on fire
which is why you should always have your light fixtures installed by professionals.

So the gods shrug off their big ol’ hangovers
and they are like shiiiiiiiit
how did all this evil get up in our land?
seriously
plants are dying
animals are growing gross horns and murdering each other
mountains are shitting out lava and exploding everywhere
I tell you, this land used to be sick as hell
but now it is AS SICK AS HELL.
(haha I told you that shit was coming back)

but they can’t do anything about it
cause Melkor is in this invincible underground bunker
and it’s not like these are the guys that shaped the earth or anything
they’re powerless to stop him
so they do the next best thing
which is they uh
leave

YUP
the benevolent creators and protectors of the world
when faced with the main thing the world needs to be protected from
move to basically middle-earth’s equivalent of the bahamas
surround it in an impassible mountain range
and then spend the next age turning it into a deathless party pad for them and their crew
NICE

during this time they do shit like
Manwe puts his throne on top of the highest mountain of all
so he can eat popcorn and watch the world burn
while eagles and ravens fly up to deliver him news
because Tolkien realized he wasn’t ripping off enough norse mythology
and also Yavanna makes these two trees
called Telperion and Laurelin
which are actually sort of gross-looking if you think about it
i mean one has gold leaves and one has silver leaves
and the flowers on each of them sort of
…ooze light onto the ground?
I don’t care if it’s light or marzipan or fucking thousand dollar bills
anything that trickles or oozes out of a plant’s orifice
I do not want.
but anyway those things are basically the sun and the moon
the gods put them on this crazy 12-hour dimmer cycle
and thus invent time
which is redundant
because in their new kindom of Valinor
every time is partytime

BUT NOT FOR EVERYONE
shockingly there are still people who give a shit
about how Melkor is fucking everything to death
for example Ulmo gives a shit
because he’s never invited to any of the parties anyway
and Yavanna gives a shit
because she’s a goddamn treehugger
and Aule gives a shit
because someone has got to keep the rock alive
and this guy Orome kind of cares too
inasmuch as he occasionally rides through Middle earth just killing animals
and most of those animals are mutant beasts so i guess he’s helping?
but none of that matters
because everyone else is too busy partying
and it is hard to save the world
when all your roommates just keep dropping acid and shitting in your fridge

so the moral of the story
is if at first you don’t succeed
relocate to the equator and drown your failure in orgies

THE END…?

Daedalus is a Way Bigger Asshole Than You Suspected

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Yes guys I heard you
you want me to translate more of Tolkien’s dense jungle of fancy names for you
and you will GET more Silmarillion
I guarantee
except you are going to have to wait til Wednesday
because today I dug up a Greek myth you might also dig.

So Daedalus
you may remember him as the very smart guy with the very dumb sperm
but before he was that guy
he was the royal arch-nerd of Athens
trained by Athena herself
and he had an apprentice

this apprentice was named Perdix
or Talos
or Calus
or Circinus
or … Tantalus?
You know, maybe there were more than one of these dudes
and Daedalus just went through them like blueprint paper
which he probably also used as toilet paper
because he was too lazy to go to two different stores
you know how geniuses are.

But that is all baseless conjecture
so we’ll pretend these dudes were all the same person
because it makes the story easier
and we will call them all Perdix
because it sort of sounds like bird dicks
and now you have to think about that.

Perdix is twelve years old
and he is mad smart
I mean Daedalus is smart
he can build handjob robots and do math and parallel park like a motherfucker
but Perdix is so smart
one day he finds a fish skeleton on the beach
and he discovers he can use it to cut sticks in half
and then invents the saw
HOLY SHIT
this kid is so smart he can cut sticks in half with some brittle-ass fish remains
he is performing construction work
armed only with the type of shit satiated cats pull out of their gullets in cartoons
fuck inventing saws
who gives a shit about that, you can buy those at the store
who is this guy who can CONQUER WOOD WITH GARBAGE??

So Daedalus hears about this and is like aw hell no
I have been trying to figure out how to chisel granite with a rusty tin can for like
AGES
this kid is going DOWN
and then it turns out Daedalus is right
except what Perdix is going down on
turns out to be Perdix’s MOM
who is also Daedalus’s sister
DUDE IS LIKE TWELVE
HE HAS SO MUCH GAME.
and Daedalus is like okay
so not only is this guy better than me at science
he is also better than me at sex?
fuck this, everybody dies

so he’s like hey perdix
come with me up to this high tower so i can give you a geography lesson
and Perdix is like okay what’s the lesson
and Daedalus is like the lesson is that geography is very dangerous
when you are hurtling towards it at high speeds
ka-PUSH!

so perdix dies
and Daedalus stuffs him in a bag and starts dragging him to the dump
and people are like whoa dude what’s in that bag
and Daedalus is like “oh well I saw a snake on the ground
and it is against the law to leave snakes lying around
so i picked it up and put it in this bag”
but friends
take it from me
there is a big difference between a bag full of snakes and a bag full of dead kids
people figure out daedalus’s crafty ploy
about the same time the bag starts leaking copious amounts of blood
seriously for a genius inventor he is pretty bad at disposing of bodies.
I guess he does pretty good with Icarus, though, now that i think of it.

Anyway, Athena is not a big fan of this whole scenario
but all she does about it is turn Perdix into a partridge
and that is why partridges always stay low to the ground
or in pear trees or whatever
it’s because they don’t want to get pushed out of any more buildings
even though they can FUCKING FLY NOW.

As for Daedalus, he gets kicked out of the city
which is not a big deal because he just moves town the road to Crete
where he makes his living building anatomically correct fursuits for the nobility
until he gets in even more trouble

So the moral of the story
is you can either be successful in science
or successful in bed
being both is just asking your friends and instructors to defenestrate you

THE END.